What are the rules of etiquette for a Mormon wedding-related open house?

February 3, 2006 1:43 AM

I've been invited to an "open house" in celebration of a wedding between two Mormons and have no idea what the etiquette is for such a function, particularly considering my past relationship (and current lack thereof) with the groom.

I understand that there's a Mormon wedding ceremony that will happen in a temple that I, a non-Mormon, won't be attending and there's a reception for that as well which I also won't be attending. (It's in Utah, I'm in California.) I'm guessing this open house is a kind of reception for the California-area people who know the groom. The open house I'm going to is happening for a couple hours in the afternoon at the groom's parents house.

I'm assuming I should dress nice but not go all out in a tuxedo or anything like that. Yea or nay? Any specific recommendations are appreciated but I'm basically just wondering how formal to be.

Should I bring a gift? Here's where the thing about my relationship with the groom comes in. He and I used to be best friends years ago but eventually drifted apart. Nothing bad happened, we just went different ways with our lives and eventually didn't talk anymore. Aside from this invitation and a five minute phone conversation a few weeks ago, I've had no contact with him for probably at least a couple years. I would assume, for this reason, that a gift isn't expected of me. I don't want to come across as a jerk though for showing up empty-handed. If I should bring something, anyone have any suggestions for something nice yet relatively inexpensive and appropriate for the situation?

In addition, is there anything else I should know about the event that's traditional for something of this type?

My apologies if this sort of stuff is easily Google-able but most of what I found was either related to Mormon temple open houses or wasn't at all specific.

posted by DyRE to society & culture (15 comments total)

If you are invited to someone's wedding reception, it is always expected that you should bring a gift. However, there's no law saying it has to be fabulously expensive. Are they registered anywhere? That'd be a good place to start. But a monetary gift with a card is appropriate as well. As for the Mormon thing, I can only tell you from my experience of knowing a few that they tend to be very "clean cut". A tux isn't necessary, but a suit probably wouldn't be a bad idea.
posted by katyggls at 2:04 AM on February 3, 2006

Normally the best gift in these sorts of situations is a bottle of wine, but due to Mormon dietary restrictions (scroll down), that's obviously out of the question. A similarly expensive foodstuff might be suitable - you're looking to spend $15-20, and to get something that isn't just off a supermarket shelf, but that also isn't going to go bad overnight (you want something that'll last a week or two, so they can forget about it when they go on the honeymoon and still come back and enjoy it). Whatever you do, avoid a collection of sauces or spices.

If you can't find any suitable food, a good book might be suitable. Try not to get something too specific to his tastes though - ideally, you give him a book both he and his wife will be interested in (this is obviously complicated if you don't know the wife at all). Your safest bet is always cookbooks. Here's a Mormon themed cookbook from Deseret Books.

If you still can't think of anything or any of the above are unsuitable for whatever reason, then get whatever you please, so long as it fulfills one simple guideline: Make it something the wife would want. Works like a charm everytime. If you don't know anything about her, get a teapot. Everybody loves a teapot. Just don't get it at Ikea.

And no matter what you get, don't forget to remove the price-tag!

For clothes, I'd at least wear a blazer, collared shirt and clean (preferably pleated) khakis. A suit might be too formal, but a collared shirt alone is probably too informal. If it's not, you can always take off the blazer.
posted by Pseudoephedrine at 3:25 AM on February 3, 2006

I've been to a few of these. If it's at the parent's house, you'll be most comfortable dressed somewhere between business casual and a suit...a pair of slacks and a dress shirt is all you need. This will cover you for 99.9% of mormon functions. As for the gift, a modest acknowledgement of their wedding is appropriate and appreciated whether it's expected or not -- cash or a gift card to target or some such store is always a safe way to go.
posted by jgee at 3:28 AM on February 3, 2006

If you get a teapot, include some nice herbal tisanes. Makes a nice gift. (No caffeine.)

A really nice card and some cash with a "use this for something both of you enjoy" would be nice, too, especially since you've fallen out of touch. $50 +/- whatever you can afford is fine.
posted by desuetude at 6:08 AM on February 3, 2006

On the gift front - it's not customary to *bring* gifts to wedding receptions, but rather to send them in advance or shortly after. Though this is not quite the actual wedding reception, I think you could avoid bringing something on that grounds and send something after if other people did.

An invitation usually gives some clue to the formality of the event. Is it engraved? Are the words very formal and all the dates spelled out like 'The third day of February'? Then it's a more formal event. If the invitation is more casual, it's probably a more casual event. It's my understanding though, that California might have slightly different definitions of formal and casual than the rest of the continent, so I can't tell you what formal and casual actually correspond to.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:16 AM on February 3, 2006

Look nice & bring a small-to-medium gift. While it's not technically a wedding reception, if you go to someone's home to celebrate their marriage, it's just polite not to arrive empty-handed.

I wouldn't say you have to dress up majorly, just don't wear jeans or t-shirts.
posted by catfood at 6:27 AM on February 3, 2006

Everyone is right so far. Button-down collar shirt and some sort of slacks are all you need clothing wise. Bring a card, maybe with a gift certificate for a movie? That's my gift of choice for mormon weddings. Relax, mingle and then go home, open houses are for people to stop by, wish the couple a happy life together, and then leave. No major time commitments are expected, and there will be a lot of people coming and going. Enjoy the refreshments.
posted by blue_beetle at 6:52 AM on February 3, 2006

Being a mormon from california and getting married in utah, I did this same exact thing. The open house is usually a business casual type environment, slacks and a nice sweater, or a button up shirt and a jacket will be more than fine, I doubt anyone will be wearing a tie unless its the groom or family members.

And yes usually a gift is nice at these kind of things, my wife and I loved getting gift cards at our reception, because of all the little things we needed to get our new place in order. We did a ton of shopping at places like target and bed bath & beyond. 15 - 25 bucks is fine, just include a nice little card so they can send you a thank you note.
posted by skrike at 7:50 AM on February 3, 2006

I'm not an expert on Mormon dogma, but I know more than one Mormon who takes the "no hot drinks" thing to include even drinks without caffeine. I'd say a teapot would be a risky gift. Just call the groom's parents and ask where they are registered. If you can't find something there in your price range, get them a gift card for a place where they are registered, so that they can fill in the gaps in their registry.
posted by ambrosia at 7:53 AM on February 3, 2006

Buy them some nice bath towels- everybody showers.

Do NOT wear pleated pants. Nobody should wear pleated pants, ever.
posted by elisabeth r at 8:09 AM on February 3, 2006

All of the advice above is good. Open houses are not very formal, and so all of the advice about what to wear is completely accurate. Business casual is a nice rule of thumb.

On the gift front, it is always nice to give a gift, but I don't think anyone would be offended if you didn't bring a gift either. You were probably invited because your friend wanted you to know about his marriage and this happy time, and that although you are not still close, he still remembers your friendship. Just coming to the open house would be a nice gift. Although if you do want to bring a gift, something small is fine. We Mormons often marry when we are young and broke and every little bit helps.
posted by bove at 8:27 AM on February 3, 2006

Ambrosia> As I understand it, the two contentious elements in teas are tannins and caffeine (IANAMormon though). I'm fairly sure you can get tannin-free, caffeine-free herbal tea.

I was unaware though, that some Mormons interpreted the dietary restrictions as an actual ban on warm beverages. Are we talking nutty fringes, or is it actually semi-common down in America? The Mormons I've met seemed to believe that it was the chemical constituents, not the temperature, that mattered.
posted by Pseudoephedrine at 1:55 PM on February 3, 2006

Pseudoephedrine: Total side note, strict adherence to the "warm beverages" thing is a way to justify the massive consumption of certain caffienated beverages .
posted by jgee at 2:09 PM on February 3, 2006

You can make hot cocoa in a tea pot. Mormons like hot cocoa.
posted by fatbobsmith at 3:55 PM on February 3, 2006

Thanks, everyone. I ended up going with a nice sweater and slacks. Most people were in button-up shirts, usually with ties, and a few people were wearing suits, but there were people dressed around my level of formality as well, and a few going very casual. So while I wasn't the most formally-dressed person there, what I wore was fine.

I ended up going the gift card route as well. The groom was telling me they hadn't bothered to register anywhere because they preferred gift cards as they were moving to Utah and wouldn't have to haul a bunch of new stuff with them that way.

Anyway, thanks again.
posted by DyRE at 2:17 PM on February 5, 2006