What is 'home'? And how do I choose mine?
March 17, 2018 8:26 AM Subscribe
I am reaching a crossroads about where I want to put down roots in the next year or two. But I am seriously torn on staying in Spain or moving back to Scotland. Help me decide, or begin the thinking process? Or tell me your experience?
Six years ago, I came to Madrid for 1 month on a freelance travel writing stint. I fell in love with the city & returned as soon as feasibly possible, working here for one year as an English teacher. Afterwards, I returned to Scotland (my home country) & started my own online marketing business. While I made many positive experiences, I came to hate the sedentary & social media heavy aspects of the job, so decided that I would stick it out for one more year but put the wheels in motion to return to Madrid.
During that time I met my recent ex. I loved him, but could find our city weighing me down to a point of intolerable inertia. He 100% encouraged me to take this 9 month contract abroad with one of the most prestigious schools in the city. So I returned to Madrid for the third time and feel I have grown a lot & don't regret the experience, although I do somewhat regret choosing this career over staying for our relationship. Until one month ago, I thought my ex and I had chosen to live in a small city we both liked in Scotland, but then he broke up with me saying he was moving to the countryside. I supposed I viewed him as my 'home' and was looking forward to beginning that chapter together.
Things I like here in Madrid:
- The weather: a fairly consistent level of sun, compared with the grey wet skies in Scotland. Not the end of the world, but does affect the mood massively (my dad gets SAD every Autumn/Winter).
- I am able to pursue a range of hobbies here, from music and dance, to art, sports and hiking.
- Overall I love the city, more than I love any other city I've been to. This may sound trite, but just walking down the street brings me a lot of happiness. I never felt this way living in my home city in Scotland...although I find a lot of joy in the more North, quieter parts of Scotland whenever I visit.
- I am very happy teaching on a day to day basis.
Negatives:
- The expat lifestyle is fairly transient. The friend group you make here is not completely reliable as many people feel they want to return home eventually. But my social life overall is much better than it was at home, more opportunities etc.
- The political landscape. Scotland is generally very liberal & forward-thinking. In many ways I find Madrid is not like this and I always wonder how likely I am to meet someone romantically here, who shares my core values. I would still like to meet someone I can settle down with. I am 26 now, 27 towards the end of this year. In my last relationship I met my ex but found my heart was in Spain. I don't want to fall in love again, and then feel once again, that I want to live somewhere else...no more LDR for me.
- The pollution. At least once or twice a week this actively bothers me.
- Career progression is going to be difficult. What am I going to do if I don't want to teach English forever or go back into marketing? I am doing a scuba diving course this summer & am very interested in marine biology, but not sure I could make a career out of it given I don't have a previous science background. I do enjoy teaching but I am also a writer/journalist who wants complete her novels and get them published (a process I don't see happening in Spain?).
Another side of me still yearns for working in a little school in Scotland, where the atmosphere is healthier and there is more of a community feel to things (but leaving here for the third time again would mean giving up my life & friends here as I did before). I am at least going back to Scotland for the Summer, but need to decide what I am going to do fairly soon. Advice and thoughts?
Six years ago, I came to Madrid for 1 month on a freelance travel writing stint. I fell in love with the city & returned as soon as feasibly possible, working here for one year as an English teacher. Afterwards, I returned to Scotland (my home country) & started my own online marketing business. While I made many positive experiences, I came to hate the sedentary & social media heavy aspects of the job, so decided that I would stick it out for one more year but put the wheels in motion to return to Madrid.
During that time I met my recent ex. I loved him, but could find our city weighing me down to a point of intolerable inertia. He 100% encouraged me to take this 9 month contract abroad with one of the most prestigious schools in the city. So I returned to Madrid for the third time and feel I have grown a lot & don't regret the experience, although I do somewhat regret choosing this career over staying for our relationship. Until one month ago, I thought my ex and I had chosen to live in a small city we both liked in Scotland, but then he broke up with me saying he was moving to the countryside. I supposed I viewed him as my 'home' and was looking forward to beginning that chapter together.
Things I like here in Madrid:
- The weather: a fairly consistent level of sun, compared with the grey wet skies in Scotland. Not the end of the world, but does affect the mood massively (my dad gets SAD every Autumn/Winter).
- I am able to pursue a range of hobbies here, from music and dance, to art, sports and hiking.
- Overall I love the city, more than I love any other city I've been to. This may sound trite, but just walking down the street brings me a lot of happiness. I never felt this way living in my home city in Scotland...although I find a lot of joy in the more North, quieter parts of Scotland whenever I visit.
- I am very happy teaching on a day to day basis.
Negatives:
- The expat lifestyle is fairly transient. The friend group you make here is not completely reliable as many people feel they want to return home eventually. But my social life overall is much better than it was at home, more opportunities etc.
- The political landscape. Scotland is generally very liberal & forward-thinking. In many ways I find Madrid is not like this and I always wonder how likely I am to meet someone romantically here, who shares my core values. I would still like to meet someone I can settle down with. I am 26 now, 27 towards the end of this year. In my last relationship I met my ex but found my heart was in Spain. I don't want to fall in love again, and then feel once again, that I want to live somewhere else...no more LDR for me.
- The pollution. At least once or twice a week this actively bothers me.
- Career progression is going to be difficult. What am I going to do if I don't want to teach English forever or go back into marketing? I am doing a scuba diving course this summer & am very interested in marine biology, but not sure I could make a career out of it given I don't have a previous science background. I do enjoy teaching but I am also a writer/journalist who wants complete her novels and get them published (a process I don't see happening in Spain?).
Another side of me still yearns for working in a little school in Scotland, where the atmosphere is healthier and there is more of a community feel to things (but leaving here for the third time again would mean giving up my life & friends here as I did before). I am at least going back to Scotland for the Summer, but need to decide what I am going to do fairly soon. Advice and thoughts?
Six years ago, you could take free movement between Scotland and Spain for granted. Now, your long-term position is up in the air until a final Brexit deal in settled. I think you might be better to hold off on any final decision until the situation is a bit clearer.
posted by Azara at 9:23 AM on March 17, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by Azara at 9:23 AM on March 17, 2018 [6 favorites]
Howdy, Willow251. Why can't you finish your novels in Spain? Also, I am going to the Stockholm Writers Festival in April; feel free to join me at the festival!
Here is my story. I recently moved back to Europe for the second time. I never expected to leave the US again but my kid and grandchildren live here and I wanted to be near them and, luckily, they wanted me nearby as well.
It was hard to say goodbye to family and friends back in California. No matter where I live, I will always love people who happen to be far from me because I have emotional and families ties to two different locations. I am coping with that by planning to visit the US at least once a year. You are lucky in that Spain and Scotland aren't as far apart.
Home can be a challenging concept but luckily, life is an experiment. You can try things out. If they don't work, you can do different things. Sometimes they don't work out the first time you try them but work out later. Or something else works out.
So you can keep going back to Scotland in the summers but stay in Spain the rest of the year if you like (depending on Brexit). Please note, you can be a self-employed marketing person in Spain, if that is what you want. Or do marketing remotely for a company that uses remote employees for marketing and other jobs such as those listed on WeWorkRemotely.
There will be issues no matter where you decide to live. In Madrid, the pollution already bothers you and you might not want to raise children in the most polluted nation in Europe in the most polluted city in Spain. Supposedly Madrid spews more nitrogen dioxide into the air on an hourly basis than any other Spanish city.
But maybe you will want to raise children in Spain. Maybe you will fall in love with another resident of Spain, citizen or not. Madrid feels conservative to you. Perhaps you will want to try living in more laid-back, less conservative Barcelona to see how that feels.
You have lots of choices, and you don't actually need to make any right now, do you? Is there any actual urgency? Either way, consider discussing your situation with local expats who stayed--there should be some. Try the American Women's Club of Madrid, which is open to non-American English-speaking woman as well. Get the perspective from slightly older women about the challenges and joys of staying in Spain, especially when it comes to family life if you want to consider staying there for the long haul.
Keep in mind that there may never be a single right answer to your question. In Stumbling on Happiness, Daniel Gilbert argues that people can find happiness whether they choose Plan A or Plan B. And questions may linger, whatever you decide. A European friend of mine who had a British dad and a Swedish mom never felt at home in either country. She went to Spain several times and eventually settled there, because it was where she felt most alive and most at home. But she still wondered, years later, if she should be living somewhere else.
This may sound trite, but just walking down the street brings me a lot of happiness.
That does not sound trite. That sounds amazing! That sounds like an argument for staying put if not forever, at least until that feeling wears off. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 10:14 AM on March 17, 2018 [16 favorites]
Here is my story. I recently moved back to Europe for the second time. I never expected to leave the US again but my kid and grandchildren live here and I wanted to be near them and, luckily, they wanted me nearby as well.
It was hard to say goodbye to family and friends back in California. No matter where I live, I will always love people who happen to be far from me because I have emotional and families ties to two different locations. I am coping with that by planning to visit the US at least once a year. You are lucky in that Spain and Scotland aren't as far apart.
Home can be a challenging concept but luckily, life is an experiment. You can try things out. If they don't work, you can do different things. Sometimes they don't work out the first time you try them but work out later. Or something else works out.
So you can keep going back to Scotland in the summers but stay in Spain the rest of the year if you like (depending on Brexit). Please note, you can be a self-employed marketing person in Spain, if that is what you want. Or do marketing remotely for a company that uses remote employees for marketing and other jobs such as those listed on WeWorkRemotely.
There will be issues no matter where you decide to live. In Madrid, the pollution already bothers you and you might not want to raise children in the most polluted nation in Europe in the most polluted city in Spain. Supposedly Madrid spews more nitrogen dioxide into the air on an hourly basis than any other Spanish city.
But maybe you will want to raise children in Spain. Maybe you will fall in love with another resident of Spain, citizen or not. Madrid feels conservative to you. Perhaps you will want to try living in more laid-back, less conservative Barcelona to see how that feels.
You have lots of choices, and you don't actually need to make any right now, do you? Is there any actual urgency? Either way, consider discussing your situation with local expats who stayed--there should be some. Try the American Women's Club of Madrid, which is open to non-American English-speaking woman as well. Get the perspective from slightly older women about the challenges and joys of staying in Spain, especially when it comes to family life if you want to consider staying there for the long haul.
Keep in mind that there may never be a single right answer to your question. In Stumbling on Happiness, Daniel Gilbert argues that people can find happiness whether they choose Plan A or Plan B. And questions may linger, whatever you decide. A European friend of mine who had a British dad and a Swedish mom never felt at home in either country. She went to Spain several times and eventually settled there, because it was where she felt most alive and most at home. But she still wondered, years later, if she should be living somewhere else.
This may sound trite, but just walking down the street brings me a lot of happiness.
That does not sound trite. That sounds amazing! That sounds like an argument for staying put if not forever, at least until that feeling wears off. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 10:14 AM on March 17, 2018 [16 favorites]
You don't seem to be considering Brexit. Staying in Spain long term may not be possible long term. Conversely, are you comfortable moving back to the UK considering the rise of xenophobia?
posted by DarlingBri at 10:53 AM on March 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 10:53 AM on March 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
Don't rule out possible third solutions. There are places with better weather than Scotland and better politics than Spain.
posted by zadcat at 10:56 AM on March 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by zadcat at 10:56 AM on March 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I have not witnessed xenophobia in Scotland, nor have I heard of many instances of it. Remember, Scotland overwhelmingly voted to remain in the EU and while there are political issues present, I am still fairly happy with the way things are run there for now.
I suppose I find it hard to believe that it will suddenly become impossible to stay long-term (my mother lived abroad in Europe pre-EU and thinks its not going to be an impassable obstacle, but I suppose you are right in relation to the wait and see approach. Brexit really is a nightmare).
posted by Willow251 at 11:01 AM on March 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
I suppose I find it hard to believe that it will suddenly become impossible to stay long-term (my mother lived abroad in Europe pre-EU and thinks its not going to be an impassable obstacle, but I suppose you are right in relation to the wait and see approach. Brexit really is a nightmare).
posted by Willow251 at 11:01 AM on March 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
How is your Spanish? Are you fluent or see yourself becoming fluent in the near future?
posted by serathen at 11:37 AM on March 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by serathen at 11:37 AM on March 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I'm not fluent yet, although I have improved since I was here last. In fact, I somewhat resisited doing everything I could to improve because I didn't want to feel too rooted due to the belief that I was going back to Scotland to be with my boyfriend (before he broke it off). I would do everything I could to become fluent if I stayed, including some intensive courses to make up for lost time.
posted by Willow251 at 11:53 AM on March 17, 2018
posted by Willow251 at 11:53 AM on March 17, 2018
Best answer: If I was in this situation at this particular point in time, I would choose Spain for the medium duration. Brexit is largely the reason I would choose that, and whatever Brexit might do to Scotland's political roadmap and the economy that's going to play out in the next few years. It will always be possible for you to go back to Scotland, but it may not be possible to leave it again so easily, while being elsewhere during the transition phase may broaden your ultimate options.
I would plan to stay at least another two years, that should be enough to start to know how things are shaking out, and likely if Spain/the EU is going to kick you out it would probably be about the deadline. Plan to spend those two years preparing yourself for whatever comes after that. If you want to publish via traditional publishing, you have to finish and polish and edit something before you're going to get an agent, and all those things can be done from anywhere on the planet so long as it's conducive to your butt getting into the chair to get the work done. If you need to pursue additional career experience/training, start doing research on the top 5 ideas you currently have about what you might do with your life. (And yeah, you need to start early for marine biology but also nobody's going to have funding for science anymore. Will science even be legal? These are questions you need to be considering.)
You should also spend that two-year period thinking about the type of life you want to live, and do consider whether there are other parts of Spain that might be even better suited to that life and your priorities. If you know what you want, when you eventually start dating again you'll be able to assess from the beginning whether these people fit your values and priorities rather than contorting yourself to fit to someone just because he's there. If you partner up with someone who more or less shares your objectives, dealing with the larger question of where to settle down together isn't so hard.
You will need to, at least for that two year period, keep one eye on the door. You may have to leave the EU, and if you feel that's the direction things are tipping you need some kind of Plan B in your head already, you need to know what your options are in Scotland, so you are going to have to include that possibility in your planning, but staying in Spain for now may mean you get grandfathered.
There's nothing wrong with working hard to build community wherever you are, no matter how long you might stay. Every additional person in your life will be a source of information and inspiration and it seems like you could really use that in your world right now. And don't limit your involvement just to the expat community; find a neighborhood cause to support, talk to your neighbors, make some Spanish friends. Feel rooted! Feel it even if you know you'll transplant one day, because all you get is this one life, you're not banking any kind of life credit now that you can spend later. Plan for later, because being a prepared person is often a nicer life than being an unprepared one, but live now. Worst case scenario, one day you'll get to look back at a time when it was easy to live abroad, don't you want those memories to be active and engaged rather than some kind of cosmic bus stop you stood at waiting for something to happen?
posted by Lyn Never at 12:34 PM on March 17, 2018 [9 favorites]
I would plan to stay at least another two years, that should be enough to start to know how things are shaking out, and likely if Spain/the EU is going to kick you out it would probably be about the deadline. Plan to spend those two years preparing yourself for whatever comes after that. If you want to publish via traditional publishing, you have to finish and polish and edit something before you're going to get an agent, and all those things can be done from anywhere on the planet so long as it's conducive to your butt getting into the chair to get the work done. If you need to pursue additional career experience/training, start doing research on the top 5 ideas you currently have about what you might do with your life. (And yeah, you need to start early for marine biology but also nobody's going to have funding for science anymore. Will science even be legal? These are questions you need to be considering.)
You should also spend that two-year period thinking about the type of life you want to live, and do consider whether there are other parts of Spain that might be even better suited to that life and your priorities. If you know what you want, when you eventually start dating again you'll be able to assess from the beginning whether these people fit your values and priorities rather than contorting yourself to fit to someone just because he's there. If you partner up with someone who more or less shares your objectives, dealing with the larger question of where to settle down together isn't so hard.
You will need to, at least for that two year period, keep one eye on the door. You may have to leave the EU, and if you feel that's the direction things are tipping you need some kind of Plan B in your head already, you need to know what your options are in Scotland, so you are going to have to include that possibility in your planning, but staying in Spain for now may mean you get grandfathered.
There's nothing wrong with working hard to build community wherever you are, no matter how long you might stay. Every additional person in your life will be a source of information and inspiration and it seems like you could really use that in your world right now. And don't limit your involvement just to the expat community; find a neighborhood cause to support, talk to your neighbors, make some Spanish friends. Feel rooted! Feel it even if you know you'll transplant one day, because all you get is this one life, you're not banking any kind of life credit now that you can spend later. Plan for later, because being a prepared person is often a nicer life than being an unprepared one, but live now. Worst case scenario, one day you'll get to look back at a time when it was easy to live abroad, don't you want those memories to be active and engaged rather than some kind of cosmic bus stop you stood at waiting for something to happen?
posted by Lyn Never at 12:34 PM on March 17, 2018 [9 favorites]
I'd stay where you are. Purely because of that happiness you get walking down the street. I am in Scotland and get that here.
Another thing I'd say though, is that Madrid is not Spain. It's only Madrid. I have lived on Orkney, on the east coast and now live in Glasgow. All Scotland, but this is my home, these are my people (I was born in England and my entire family live there still, though I'm married with kids so habe my own Scottish family now too). I don't know which city you felt crushed by, and if Madrid makes your heart sing it's moot, but Scotland is a lot of places.
posted by intergalacticvelvet at 12:59 PM on March 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
Another thing I'd say though, is that Madrid is not Spain. It's only Madrid. I have lived on Orkney, on the east coast and now live in Glasgow. All Scotland, but this is my home, these are my people (I was born in England and my entire family live there still, though I'm married with kids so habe my own Scottish family now too). I don't know which city you felt crushed by, and if Madrid makes your heart sing it's moot, but Scotland is a lot of places.
posted by intergalacticvelvet at 12:59 PM on March 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
I'm in the U.S. but have been doing serious research into moving abroad permanently. I did settle on Europe, but haven't fully decided which country. Right now, all things lean toward Germany for us. Scandinavia has the highest rated... everything... and while I don't want to be in the cold, Germany does reach far enough south to satisfy me (I think). My first inclinations were Portugal, Spain or Italy (I speak Spanish decently). But looking into it, the politics and general societal attitudes there ruled them out, plus they have shakier economies than most of Western Europe. We visited Germany, Denmark, Czech Republic and Austria while we were on our honeymoon. Out of those, it kind of just came down to climate, cost of living, and what language was spoken. None of us knows German, but it's the most wide spread of German, Danish, or Czech, and therefore the most useful to my kids long term. Minor bonus: I was born there, though to US parents, but it might still buy me a little love on the permanent residency journey.
Anyway, not much help, but wanted to share some of my thought process.
If you're set on Spain, why not see if a different city might suit you? Seville? Bilbao?
posted by wwartorff at 1:14 PM on March 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
Anyway, not much help, but wanted to share some of my thought process.
If you're set on Spain, why not see if a different city might suit you? Seville? Bilbao?
posted by wwartorff at 1:14 PM on March 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
I have traveled to over 60 countries and lived in 6. Time and time again, I have found the problems follow me no matter where I am.
You said you were a budding journalist. Have you considered pursuing freelance journalism in Spain? A lot of interesting things to cover in the country, and the cost of living in Spain would likely be low enough to support an early-career lifestyle.
Just a thought.
posted by lecorbeau at 4:14 PM on March 17, 2018 [3 favorites]
You said you were a budding journalist. Have you considered pursuing freelance journalism in Spain? A lot of interesting things to cover in the country, and the cost of living in Spain would likely be low enough to support an early-career lifestyle.
Just a thought.
posted by lecorbeau at 4:14 PM on March 17, 2018 [3 favorites]
Live in Madrid for now. It doesn't need to be a permanent decision. You love it, you're currently allowed to live there but who knows for how much longer, and you're young enough that (imo) you don't need to worry too much about meeting a partner (and who knows, you could surprise yourself and meet a like-minded partner in Madrid anyway).
posted by sunflower16 at 5:23 PM on March 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by sunflower16 at 5:23 PM on March 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you to everyone that responded.
I am seriously considering Barcelona, as I've been enjoying spending time there lately and it has both mountains and sea closeby (because I have taken up scuba diving and surfing, this is becoming a bigger part of my life). I feel stuck in a bit of an urban jungle at the moment, as much I love many aspects of Madrid. Either way I'm definitely thinking I'll return to Spain and try to make serious headway with freelance journalism over the next year.
The only issue is that the career prospects aren't going to be very expansive. Likely, I will need to return to studying in Scotland next year. Here's hoping I don't meet anyone romantically, as happened last time (ie. leaving the country, long distance etc!). That would be a nightmare...
posted by Willow251 at 1:59 PM on April 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
I am seriously considering Barcelona, as I've been enjoying spending time there lately and it has both mountains and sea closeby (because I have taken up scuba diving and surfing, this is becoming a bigger part of my life). I feel stuck in a bit of an urban jungle at the moment, as much I love many aspects of Madrid. Either way I'm definitely thinking I'll return to Spain and try to make serious headway with freelance journalism over the next year.
The only issue is that the career prospects aren't going to be very expansive. Likely, I will need to return to studying in Scotland next year. Here's hoping I don't meet anyone romantically, as happened last time (ie. leaving the country, long distance etc!). That would be a nightmare...
posted by Willow251 at 1:59 PM on April 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Also, why do you feel you can't write your novels in Spain? Publishing might be easier in the UK, sure, but writing can happen anywhere. Maybe you think you'd find more time to write in Scotland? But my experience is that no matter where you are, writing is something you really have to make happen. There will be distractions in Scotland too.
posted by lunasol at 8:58 AM on March 17, 2018 [11 favorites]