Tired of wearing my heart on my sleeve
March 14, 2018 1:50 PM Subscribe
I'm tired of showing every emotion on my face. How do I not?
A coworker recently made a joke to me which made me panic. I didn't say anything, but I know my eyes must've dilated, my face turned brilliant red and my voice went up a few octaves. This happens a lot whenever I'm in unfamiliar situations, and I'm tired of it. How do I stop - or disguise - the panic/embarrassment flush, at least? I am extremely fair-skinned and freckled and people have commented my entire life on how brilliantly, powerfully red I turn at the drop of a hat.
P.S. Please do not suggest psychotherapy!
A coworker recently made a joke to me which made me panic. I didn't say anything, but I know my eyes must've dilated, my face turned brilliant red and my voice went up a few octaves. This happens a lot whenever I'm in unfamiliar situations, and I'm tired of it. How do I stop - or disguise - the panic/embarrassment flush, at least? I am extremely fair-skinned and freckled and people have commented my entire life on how brilliantly, powerfully red I turn at the drop of a hat.
P.S. Please do not suggest psychotherapy!
You can't stop blushing once it starts, really, because it's involuntary, but thinking of yourself as a blusher makes you more likely to do so.
I used to disguise blushing by rubbing my eyes and cheeks with one hand, like I was tired or had an itch. Sometimes I'd "yawn" while covering the lower half of my face with my hand and comment "Oh, I'm SO sorry for yawning, it's not you, it's me." I could sell this really well because I can make my eyes water with pretend yawns.
Then I just stopped caring if I was blushing. So what, I blush. If someone comments on it in a particularly obnoxious fashion I will sometimes respond with "Yes, I'm a terrible blusher, I'll turn red even if someone else should be ashamed of themselves" while looking somewhat pointedly at them. Mostly I just shrug.
posted by xyzzy at 2:17 PM on March 14, 2018 [22 favorites]
I used to disguise blushing by rubbing my eyes and cheeks with one hand, like I was tired or had an itch. Sometimes I'd "yawn" while covering the lower half of my face with my hand and comment "Oh, I'm SO sorry for yawning, it's not you, it's me." I could sell this really well because I can make my eyes water with pretend yawns.
Then I just stopped caring if I was blushing. So what, I blush. If someone comments on it in a particularly obnoxious fashion I will sometimes respond with "Yes, I'm a terrible blusher, I'll turn red even if someone else should be ashamed of themselves" while looking somewhat pointedly at them. Mostly I just shrug.
posted by xyzzy at 2:17 PM on March 14, 2018 [22 favorites]
Practice. Improv really is great for this, but if you have game and creative friends you can do it with them like a party game, too. It's training, it's exposure therapy; it's good for you.
(True tangential story: my mom took this Self Defense For Ladies type class in the 80s, thinking it was going to be "yell fire and punt 'em in the 'nards" type training, and it sort of was, but one of the exercises they did was to pair up and scream intimidating things in each other's faces in order to feel the fight-or-flight-or-freeze response and learn to do something other than freeze, and as a demonstration the instructor - who was a sedate-looking middle-aged woman - abruptly bellied up to my mother and screamed "C*NT!!!!" in her face. In retelling that story, my mother considered the lesson and said, "I imagine that will never startle me quite that way again.")
posted by Lyn Never at 2:40 PM on March 14, 2018 [26 favorites]
(True tangential story: my mom took this Self Defense For Ladies type class in the 80s, thinking it was going to be "yell fire and punt 'em in the 'nards" type training, and it sort of was, but one of the exercises they did was to pair up and scream intimidating things in each other's faces in order to feel the fight-or-flight-or-freeze response and learn to do something other than freeze, and as a demonstration the instructor - who was a sedate-looking middle-aged woman - abruptly bellied up to my mother and screamed "C*NT!!!!" in her face. In retelling that story, my mother considered the lesson and said, "I imagine that will never startle me quite that way again.")
posted by Lyn Never at 2:40 PM on March 14, 2018 [26 favorites]
A former supervisor of mine talked about standing in front of her bathroom mirror, saying awful things to herself and watching her face for reactions. She had amazing poker face.
posted by emkelley at 2:50 PM on March 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by emkelley at 2:50 PM on March 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
While the involuntary aspect of emotional reaction could be a tough nut to crack, I think you would make progress of expanding the space between stimulus and response through a meditation practice.
Mindfulness meditation helps to control emotions, says study
How to Use Meditation to Control Emotional Reactions
previously:
Gimme a brake (for my emotions)
How to stop blushing when coworkers talk about sex
also - it might sound strange, but explore cold shower therapy to build space between stimulus/ response. It might also be an X factor in the skin-dynamic.
posted by mrmarley at 3:27 PM on March 14, 2018 [4 favorites]
Mindfulness meditation helps to control emotions, says study
How to Use Meditation to Control Emotional Reactions
previously:
Gimme a brake (for my emotions)
How to stop blushing when coworkers talk about sex
also - it might sound strange, but explore cold shower therapy to build space between stimulus/ response. It might also be an X factor in the skin-dynamic.
posted by mrmarley at 3:27 PM on March 14, 2018 [4 favorites]
I also am a wildly red blusher. A few years ago I started wearing MAC foundation and it covers up the worst of my blushing pretty well, enough that I worried about it much less, so it happens much less!!
posted by fairlynearlyready at 10:23 PM on March 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by fairlynearlyready at 10:23 PM on March 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
I’ve been a regular improv actress for over a decade, and in my experience it isn’t the panacea others insist it is. (My complexion has two modes, default white and aroused-state red, like a sad binary mood ring.)
I mean, it’s still a wonderfully useful skill, and I probably blush far less when I’m onstage than off, but that’s the thing: in my daily life, I will still blush head to toe if I feel a strong feeling, think a naughty thought, eat spicy food, or exert myself physically. I’m pale and I’m a live wire and it’s not going anywhere.
Now for the glimmer of hope:
One thing I’ve noticed from my rare dalliances into scripted theatre is, if I have a JUDICIOUS amount of well-coordinated blush/rouge on, over a not-crazy base/foundation, it makes the inevitable natural reddening less of a contrast against my ivory baseline.
Most days I don’t bother with such, because redhead-compatible cheek makeup is hard to find. But when I actually do...well, imagine painting sheer black lacquer over a mood ring. It doesn’t mask, but it does camouflage.
posted by armeowda at 10:32 PM on March 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
I mean, it’s still a wonderfully useful skill, and I probably blush far less when I’m onstage than off, but that’s the thing: in my daily life, I will still blush head to toe if I feel a strong feeling, think a naughty thought, eat spicy food, or exert myself physically. I’m pale and I’m a live wire and it’s not going anywhere.
Now for the glimmer of hope:
One thing I’ve noticed from my rare dalliances into scripted theatre is, if I have a JUDICIOUS amount of well-coordinated blush/rouge on, over a not-crazy base/foundation, it makes the inevitable natural reddening less of a contrast against my ivory baseline.
Most days I don’t bother with such, because redhead-compatible cheek makeup is hard to find. But when I actually do...well, imagine painting sheer black lacquer over a mood ring. It doesn’t mask, but it does camouflage.
posted by armeowda at 10:32 PM on March 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
Purely anecdotal but I grew up with a mother who yelled and screamed at me both calculatedly and randomly, with bonus physical abuse, and that trained out my freeze response in panic situations. In spite of that, I am still a blusher at age 40.
It hasn't hurt my life at all. People who remark on it negatively are few and far between, and those who have? They weren't nice people, to put it mildly. Accepting the blush has been a big plus and made my life much happier. It's part of who I am, and accurately reflects that I'm sensitive and sincere alongside being the badass who keeps her calm when large men scream obscenities. Never underestimate the strength of gentleness and sensitivity. We women have been sold nonsense in societal views on those – they aren't weaknesses.
Example: I was once in a situation where a bigwig lunged at me while I was seated, getting an inch from my face and shouting quite believable threats at me. I kept firm eye contact, stood up silently – keep in mind the physical space, there was none, I just claimed mine with eye contact – turned and left the office without saying a word, but never letting go of his eyes. He was literally shaking, beet red, gasped and collapsed into a chair. He never bothered me again, and none of his threats were ever made real.
I of course had turned beet red right away, but eh, what's that in the larger scheme of things?
posted by fraula at 1:10 AM on March 15, 2018 [6 favorites]
It hasn't hurt my life at all. People who remark on it negatively are few and far between, and those who have? They weren't nice people, to put it mildly. Accepting the blush has been a big plus and made my life much happier. It's part of who I am, and accurately reflects that I'm sensitive and sincere alongside being the badass who keeps her calm when large men scream obscenities. Never underestimate the strength of gentleness and sensitivity. We women have been sold nonsense in societal views on those – they aren't weaknesses.
Example: I was once in a situation where a bigwig lunged at me while I was seated, getting an inch from my face and shouting quite believable threats at me. I kept firm eye contact, stood up silently – keep in mind the physical space, there was none, I just claimed mine with eye contact – turned and left the office without saying a word, but never letting go of his eyes. He was literally shaking, beet red, gasped and collapsed into a chair. He never bothered me again, and none of his threats were ever made real.
I of course had turned beet red right away, but eh, what's that in the larger scheme of things?
posted by fraula at 1:10 AM on March 15, 2018 [6 favorites]
Relating so hard to this - no way could I ever play Poker!
About the only thing I've found that works for me, is the "thousand yard stare". I focus on the space between the person's eyebrows, and stare until I've paused long enough to regain my bearings, before responding. Sometimes, it is response enough.
Hope this helps, even a little.
posted by Amor Bellator at 6:58 AM on March 16, 2018
About the only thing I've found that works for me, is the "thousand yard stare". I focus on the space between the person's eyebrows, and stare until I've paused long enough to regain my bearings, before responding. Sometimes, it is response enough.
Hope this helps, even a little.
posted by Amor Bellator at 6:58 AM on March 16, 2018
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You can't really disguise a fear/embarrassment/panic response -- it's a basic, visceral, autonomic response. You CAN expose yourself to things that will help move the dial on what invokes that response.
posted by erst at 2:09 PM on March 14, 2018 [11 favorites]