Hitched with a hitch...

February 2, 2006 6:44 PM

I just got married. We did a private ceremony for legal reasons, but are planning a ceremony of vows later for the families. Anybody have experiences with this?

It turns out we were standing on a grey area of military regulations. Both of us are Army, but I'm an officer and she's enlisted. Although we knew each other for a while outside of the service, there were some curious legal questions. In order to get around any ambiguity, drastic measures were required.

So we got married. Las Vegas style.* On my birthday.**

And now my lovely wife Christine and I are looking into doing a ceremony of vows for family and friends at a later date. I'm wondering what to expect of this situation. As it turns out, due to some of her family's classical Chinese traditions, as well as trying to get enough of her family together, we may not be able to do a ceremony until December 06 - January 07. Most of my friends know, and my family knows, but she is the first member of her family married outside of rural China and to need a legal marriage separate from the social marriage may confuse her family.

I'm wondering, first off, what we should tell to a family that's unfamiliar with such a situation. I'm also wondering what to do about being a couple (social conventions in public/around family) in the intervening period if the public ceremony may be almost a year out.

* Not really that odd. I was born and raised in Vegas, and still call it home.

** That's what I get for letting her pick the day.

PS: Any MeFites want to attend the final ceremony?

posted by mystyk to society & culture (12 comments total)

Congratulations! I don't have any experience with this kind of an issue, but I just wanted to tell you that I think this is a great story - you guys love each other so much!
posted by MeetMegan at 6:50 PM on February 2, 2006

FWIW this is incredibly common where I live (near Fort Bragg.) As far as I know the couples all lived as husband and wife in the intervening time.
posted by konolia at 7:00 PM on February 2, 2006

Miss Manners has some thoughts.

I'm not entirely sure I agree with them, but I throw them out there for your consideration.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:13 PM on February 2, 2006

My husband and I got married in June (1988!) in a private ceremony, then had a big luffy thing for family the following September. From our experience, my advice would be to make sure that those who are invited to your family ceremony are aware that you're already married and that the ceremony is for symbolic/family purposes. We still have relatives who don't know our proper anniversary and/or think it was a shotgun wedding because I happened to be pregnant at the symbolic ceremony.
posted by Dreama at 7:16 PM on February 2, 2006

best wishes! I might be going through something similar in the next year or so, so I've been reading up on it.

Since you may have to push it until January anyway, why not have the ceremony on your first anniversary? It might not clear it completely up for everyone, but at least you'll only have one anniversary.
posted by lampoil at 7:52 PM on February 2, 2006

We eloped (to Central Park!) and then had a reception five months later. We called everyone family-wise the evening after we got married and broke the news of the elopement and most everyone was excited and supportive. (There were hard feelings about not being included in the elopement from one sibling and they've not yet mended, seven years later.) Everyone else, though, was genuinely thrilled or they were convincing actors. At the big, fun reception five months later, we exchanged rings and some poetry was read before the dancing and eating and laughing. Neither of us comes from a background like your wife's, but I'd have to believe that even if her family is rural and traditional and unsophisticated, they're aware of the fact that she lives in the US and it's different there. I'm always a big fan of the truth-- you don't feel like you've done something shameful or illicit, just something exciting and loving, so tell them that-- they'll probably follow your lead and be happy. Be respectful that they don't know you and know their daughter still as the girl she was when she left them, so no public displays of tongue or anything, but let them know that you love her and are a good man. It's such good and happy news! Congratulations.
posted by eve harrington at 8:28 PM on February 2, 2006

lampoil: "Since you may have to push it until January anyway, why not have the ceremony on your first anniversary? It might not clear it completely up for everyone, but at least you'll only have one anniversary."

Actually, that idea has already occurred to us, we're just unsure about feasability at this point. It turns out my birthday next year will be on a Saturday, which at least makes it possible.
posted by mystyk at 8:39 PM on February 2, 2006

The people who matter to you should know that you are married. You can add that you hope they will look forward to a celebration of your new happiness which will be delayed due to difficulties of travel etc.
The idea of a First Anniversary party is not a bad one. If you were married in jeans and sweat shirts, you could of course wear any fancy clothing you want to your observance.
My sense of humor would bill that as a "and they said it wouldn't last" party, but ymmv, and that probably would not translate well into Chinese.
posted by Cranberry at 11:13 PM on February 2, 2006

My wife's American, we live in the UK. We got married in a civil ceremony a few months before holding a proper celebration. All to do with work permits and immigration status - potentially a big pain unless you can show you are married.

For the latter ceremony we did the usual big party thing and had a religious blessing - to the casual onlooker this was indistinguishable from a proper marriage - the exception was that the paper work was already done.

The key thing, I think, is not to let bureaucrats stand in the way of wanting to hold a big celebration on your own terms. Part of that may well include electing not to tell people that you are already married when it comes to having a public celebration. We told close family some friends we were already married but pointed out that we wanted to regard the latter ceremony as our real marriage.

Of course nothing you do will quite get over the problem of having two anniversaries - that will be a separate one to solve between you.
posted by rongorongo at 4:14 AM on February 3, 2006

I needed to work in Canada for a year while my wife was studying there. In order to file the visa application in time, we got married at the courthouse several months before our planned wedding date, alone except for our two witnesses. The actual wedding with family and friends took place as planned the following summer.

We treated the courthouse trip as a minor technical procedure, and thought of the big ceremony as the "real" wedding, where we were married in the eyes of the community rather than just the state. We didn't widely publicize the fact that we were legally married before the wedding, and we didn't let it affect our wedding plans. I think this mindset was important for us and our family. (Another couple I know did basically the same thing, for similar reasons.)
posted by mbrubeck at 8:49 AM on February 3, 2006

We did this. We got married with only a few friends present, then had a reception several months later with "everyone".

In our case it was an "appease the parents and grandparents by not having a child out of wedlock" wedding combined with an "appease the parents by having a big party". Kind of obnoxious that they wanted their cake and to eat it too, as it were, but it was fun and we don't regret doing it. We consider the actual legal ceremony date to be our anniversary. What other people consider to be our anniversary isn't relevant, as we don't really think anyone should be observing our anniversary but us.

We planned our reception/celebration during the winter and hosted it in a warm climate, so it was a great opportunity for our winterbound family to get some sunshine. Also, the baby who started it all was born by this time and it was a chance for any family and friends who hadn't had a chance to meet her to get some babyloving.

We chose not to exchange rings at our legal ceremony, and instead, at our reception, we stood up, thanked everyone for joining us to celebrate, said some goofy and romantic things to one another, and handed over the jewelry. No minister or anything necessary. I actually don't remember what was said, I kind of made it up as I went along but I believe the gist of it was that I was proud and happy to have a family with my husband, happy to be a part of his family and proud to have him as a part of mine.

We had a small backyard cocktail party. It was in Arizona where I grew up, so I themed it with things I've always loved--Mexican finger foods, huge pots of sangria, and mariachis. Later that evening my inlaws hosted a sit-down dinner at a steakhouse and my sister and my husband's sister gave toasts, as they would have done had we had a "traditional" wedding.

Our first wedding was flipflops and jeans (and maternity clothes), and our second was a chance to dress up, though not so much in "wedding clothes"--he wore his father's vintage tux, I turned my mom's wedding dress into a Jackie Kennedy-style cocktail dress. Everyone else just had the opportunity to get dressed up for once.

We were very careful to couch this second event as a celebration and reception, not as the wedding itself, and it was very clear that we were already legally married and this was just an opportunity to party down with everyone.

I had some run-ins with my mother in law about gift registries and such--I didn't feel it was proper to register under the circumstances, she wanted me to. In the end she agreed to tell anyone who asked about a registry that we were working on our house and that Home Depot gift cards would be a perfect gift.
posted by padraigin at 9:04 AM on February 3, 2006

I wouldn't necessarily worry about confusing her family - I have met a lot of Chinese that had to have small, quick legal marriages for different reasons without going through a more traditional marriage ceremony. Just tell them you got maried, and that you are going to have the banquet to celebrate at a later date. Some people in her family may be disappointed that you didn't go through a morre traditional engagement ceremony and wedding, so you will have to be on your best behavior to help them get used to the idea, but you would have had to do that anyways. How to handle it will always depend on the specific family quirks involved - I'm sure you will find out what you need to do to make it OK in the eyes of the family. If they are sticklers for the lunar calendar and fortune-tellers to pick the right date for these things, though, make sure to get that figured out before you make any reservations.

And congratulations!
posted by babar at 12:53 PM on February 3, 2006