Advice on reconnecting with a 14yo niece after her mom’s death
March 2, 2018 7:11 PM Subscribe
I recently found out that my older half-sister, whom I hadn’t spoken to in 8 years, passed away last December. I found her 14-year-old daughter on instagram and I’d like to reconnect with her, but what can do for/with a grieving 14-year-old girl who doesn’t really know me? HALP.
My sister stopped answering my calls sometime after my last visit with her 8 years ago...it was a nice visit, I thought—I was pregnant at the time and she talked about how much we’d get our kids our together and how great it would be...and then I never heard from her again. Every once in a while, I’d try to google her to see if she joined Facebook or anything (she didn’t own or even want a cell phone or computer when I last saw her). Well, this time, googling her name led me to an obituary. So.
Some pretty intensive internet sleuthing finally led me to my niece. I sent her a message saying how sad I was to find out about her mom, letting her know that I’m here if she needs anything, and that I’d like to be a part of her life if she wants. She seemed open to that, said her mom talked about me all the time and she’d like to meet me again, so I’m going to plan some time to make the 4-hour trip to her town, but...then what???
She’s living with her dad, who’s remarried and has younger kids...he wasn't in the picture at all when I last visited, and I don’t know when that changed. Her private Instagram page has 17 photos, 600 followers, and not a single mention of her mom or a hint of sadness. Which is just to say I don’t understand Kids These Days. And I certainly don’t understand much about losing your mom as a young teen. So while I would love to grow to become close eventualy, I could definitely use any advice in getting there. What kinds of things should I suggest we do when I visit? Should it just be me or the whole family including my crazy monkey children? Would giving her the old photos I have of my sister be a nice gesture or too much? Should I try to talk about my sister with her or just act like I’m visiting for fun?? So many questions and I’m terribly awkward and I just really don’t want to do anything to cause her any more sadness or pain.
My sister stopped answering my calls sometime after my last visit with her 8 years ago...it was a nice visit, I thought—I was pregnant at the time and she talked about how much we’d get our kids our together and how great it would be...and then I never heard from her again. Every once in a while, I’d try to google her to see if she joined Facebook or anything (she didn’t own or even want a cell phone or computer when I last saw her). Well, this time, googling her name led me to an obituary. So.
Some pretty intensive internet sleuthing finally led me to my niece. I sent her a message saying how sad I was to find out about her mom, letting her know that I’m here if she needs anything, and that I’d like to be a part of her life if she wants. She seemed open to that, said her mom talked about me all the time and she’d like to meet me again, so I’m going to plan some time to make the 4-hour trip to her town, but...then what???
She’s living with her dad, who’s remarried and has younger kids...he wasn't in the picture at all when I last visited, and I don’t know when that changed. Her private Instagram page has 17 photos, 600 followers, and not a single mention of her mom or a hint of sadness. Which is just to say I don’t understand Kids These Days. And I certainly don’t understand much about losing your mom as a young teen. So while I would love to grow to become close eventualy, I could definitely use any advice in getting there. What kinds of things should I suggest we do when I visit? Should it just be me or the whole family including my crazy monkey children? Would giving her the old photos I have of my sister be a nice gesture or too much? Should I try to talk about my sister with her or just act like I’m visiting for fun?? So many questions and I’m terribly awkward and I just really don’t want to do anything to cause her any more sadness or pain.
Best answer: With some not-exactly-similar but relevant life experience, this is my advice:
Perhaps think not in terms of "what does this 14 year old need from me (a person whom she doesn't really know) this year" but in terms of "how can i demonstrate to this 14-year-old that i will be happy to be an older-person stable resource for her now, 5 years from now, 10 years from now, etc."
And the way to do that, I think, is by modeling openness and honesty and humility and caring. By saying (by text or email or whatever) things like "i don't know what exactly i can do to be the best aunt i can be for you. i want to help you now and for a long time, because your mom meant a lot to me even though life is complicated. if you have ideas i would love to hear them. but meanwhile please tell me about yourself. what are you into?" I would do that, rather than presuming to send her pictures or your own thoughts. After some days or weeks of conversation you will find out more about whether she wants old pictures, or your reminiscences, or just a nice aunt. But don't pretend that you would just be visiting for fun, because that wouldn't be honest either.
posted by sheldman at 7:55 PM on March 2, 2018 [28 favorites]
Perhaps think not in terms of "what does this 14 year old need from me (a person whom she doesn't really know) this year" but in terms of "how can i demonstrate to this 14-year-old that i will be happy to be an older-person stable resource for her now, 5 years from now, 10 years from now, etc."
And the way to do that, I think, is by modeling openness and honesty and humility and caring. By saying (by text or email or whatever) things like "i don't know what exactly i can do to be the best aunt i can be for you. i want to help you now and for a long time, because your mom meant a lot to me even though life is complicated. if you have ideas i would love to hear them. but meanwhile please tell me about yourself. what are you into?" I would do that, rather than presuming to send her pictures or your own thoughts. After some days or weeks of conversation you will find out more about whether she wants old pictures, or your reminiscences, or just a nice aunt. But don't pretend that you would just be visiting for fun, because that wouldn't be honest either.
posted by sheldman at 7:55 PM on March 2, 2018 [28 favorites]
She’s 14, but before you presume anything, get the parents before you visit. Teens are spacey about family plans in general so help keep things smooth. Bring photos of your sister when she was 14, as a young adult and more. Be ready for this kiddo to pull on memories of your sister - you probably have stories that your sister would want you to share, so set up time with her so it’s easier to share them. Maybe go to a zoo, garden, or walk a loop around a nearby lake or pond and don’T be surprised if dad is interested with checking that you are ok - the first outing could be with everyone. Find out what her interests are and build from there. Did your sister have any favorite board or card games?
posted by childofTethys at 8:03 PM on March 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by childofTethys at 8:03 PM on March 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
Best answer: As a teacher of teenagers, and an aunt of them too, I would just advise you to expect a fair but of awkwardness regardless of what you attempt because teenagers are generally extremely self conscious and socially inexperienced. So they tend to exacerbate difficult situations (making critical comments, offering no suggestions for socialising but scoffing at all yours) as a defence mechanism. This doesn't mean that they don't want or need you. I think this is a really kind gesture and I think pics are a great idea.
posted by jojobobo at 11:11 PM on March 2, 2018 [8 favorites]
posted by jojobobo at 11:11 PM on March 2, 2018 [8 favorites]
Honestly, I'd both talk a bit with her parents as suggested above to get a sense of who she is and how she's been dealing, and at the same time make the visit with a minimum of "agenda." Go with the flow that she sets, follow her lead, don't worry or take it personally if she isn't into everything that you do or suggest. If you ask her to tell about herself and she doesn't give particularly open answers, don't interpret that in any way other than 'not everybody likes or is able to report on themselves'. Just get to know her as an individual, be as open as you can toward her, and be accepting and patient with whatever level of openness she's able to give you.
I wouldn't come with kids on this first visit, and would definitely come with pictures.
(FWIW, I wouldn't read the Instagram thing as Kids These Days - to me it reads more like "not the sort of person who posts their deepest feelings for public consumption". But neither of us knows her, and it's best to hold off on explanatory narratives.)
posted by trig at 12:40 AM on March 3, 2018 [3 favorites]
I wouldn't come with kids on this first visit, and would definitely come with pictures.
(FWIW, I wouldn't read the Instagram thing as Kids These Days - to me it reads more like "not the sort of person who posts their deepest feelings for public consumption". But neither of us knows her, and it's best to hold off on explanatory narratives.)
posted by trig at 12:40 AM on March 3, 2018 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Knowing that there's someone out there who isn't your parents is huge during the 16-22 year old phase. The 14 year old phase in my memory is more like still being preoccupied with the entry into high school, whether to do band or go out for softball, etc.
I think that consistency and being a decent listener and kind person are more important than anything. So think about what traditions you could keep up every year without dropping the ball. Birthday cards? A special fancy winter holiday dinner of just the two of you? More / something else?
Giving her (copies of) the photos sounds great. You could also tell her that you miss your sister and if she ever wants to call and talk about her, you're there for that. I'd suggest doing something where your focus is outward but you can still talk, like going for a walk. I'd leave your kids home but invite her to come up for a visit next so that she can meet them and also get a sense of your house as a home she could come to if she ever needed it.
posted by salvia at 2:09 AM on March 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
I think that consistency and being a decent listener and kind person are more important than anything. So think about what traditions you could keep up every year without dropping the ball. Birthday cards? A special fancy winter holiday dinner of just the two of you? More / something else?
Giving her (copies of) the photos sounds great. You could also tell her that you miss your sister and if she ever wants to call and talk about her, you're there for that. I'd suggest doing something where your focus is outward but you can still talk, like going for a walk. I'd leave your kids home but invite her to come up for a visit next so that she can meet them and also get a sense of your house as a home she could come to if she ever needed it.
posted by salvia at 2:09 AM on March 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
Get her one on one and show her this. I think she'd cotton to you that you thought that hard about her situation. Don't engage with her on social media. Phone calls and ftf across a good meal. Bet nobody else is doing that.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 3:41 AM on March 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Mr. Yuck at 3:41 AM on March 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Frankly, she doesn’t know you at all. Why would she open up to you about her grief at this very early stage of your relationship? My mother died when I was a similar age and I had a good but not close relationship with my aunt but we were living a long way away, she at times overseas, so she was not a regular presence when I was young.
At this point in my life she is as close to me as a mother. But that did not happen over night. And she never brought up my mother’s passing but was always happy to talk about her whenever I wanted to. We didn’t live in the same country and this was basically achieved by me calling her every now and then over the landline telephone. Later I also went to see her and ended up living with her at a later point.
So I‘d recommend you be guided by her and focus on open lines of communication but she gets to determine how close or otherwise she wants to be(come) and how fast she might want to do that.
posted by koahiatamadl at 3:45 AM on March 3, 2018 [4 favorites]
At this point in my life she is as close to me as a mother. But that did not happen over night. And she never brought up my mother’s passing but was always happy to talk about her whenever I wanted to. We didn’t live in the same country and this was basically achieved by me calling her every now and then over the landline telephone. Later I also went to see her and ended up living with her at a later point.
So I‘d recommend you be guided by her and focus on open lines of communication but she gets to determine how close or otherwise she wants to be(come) and how fast she might want to do that.
posted by koahiatamadl at 3:45 AM on March 3, 2018 [4 favorites]
My mom died when I was about that age.(All other circumstances were different, though.) One suggestion is to provide support in tangible ways in addition to the general "if there is anything I can do..." Nthing the advice to treat her the way one might treat a friend - lend her a book you thought she might like, go out for coffee, send a funny card. Go see a movie together so you can spend time without having to be in conversation the whole time. Let her pick but make a suggestion if she seems indecisive. Give her attention. You may feel awkward about how to navigate this but it is probably nothing compared to how she feels figuring out how much grief to reveal to which people at which times. In my experience, it was tough being sad around people I didn't know well, but also tough to know whether it was ok to sometimes be happy in front of people who might also be grieving. Please try not to let your grief take center stage, or let this death be the driver of the relationship. It sucks when people who gave care and support initially fade away after the loss isn't so present!
posted by phisbe at 4:01 AM on March 3, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by phisbe at 4:01 AM on March 3, 2018 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I was 10 when my mom died, and my mom was largely estranged from her family, due to some bigoted ideas about beliefs and who she married. I would have liked to have had my aunts involved, but not because they're my aunts - genes aren't everything and genes don't generate caring. It would be strange to have someone pop up out of nowhere, that I didn't know, and suddenly take an interest in me.
My advice would be to be careful to not make this about you, and wanting to make up for lost time, to use it to heal your grief, or even wanting to "help" her. Start slow. Take her to lunch. A movie is a good idea, so she can let it soak in without pressure of conversation. Or an activity/local event. Spending a little shared time together is a good start, to avoid things getting too much like an interview. Don't unload a bunch of photos and stories on her immediately, as I can near guarantee it will be overwhelming. Ask her if it would be ok if you gave/sent her a few photos next time. If you saw a part of her that reminds you a lot of your half sister, tell her (her eyes, smile, cheekbones, or personality etc). Look for the moments of connection. Remember to try and get to know her outside of who she is as your sister's daughter. Is she excited to get her driver's permit next year? Pets, hobbies, classes, interests, etc.
posted by raztaj at 4:33 AM on March 3, 2018 [4 favorites]
My advice would be to be careful to not make this about you, and wanting to make up for lost time, to use it to heal your grief, or even wanting to "help" her. Start slow. Take her to lunch. A movie is a good idea, so she can let it soak in without pressure of conversation. Or an activity/local event. Spending a little shared time together is a good start, to avoid things getting too much like an interview. Don't unload a bunch of photos and stories on her immediately, as I can near guarantee it will be overwhelming. Ask her if it would be ok if you gave/sent her a few photos next time. If you saw a part of her that reminds you a lot of your half sister, tell her (her eyes, smile, cheekbones, or personality etc). Look for the moments of connection. Remember to try and get to know her outside of who she is as your sister's daughter. Is she excited to get her driver's permit next year? Pets, hobbies, classes, interests, etc.
posted by raztaj at 4:33 AM on March 3, 2018 [4 favorites]
Don't bring your kids. She's already dealing with her half-siblings and probably right now, especially if she only went to live with them after her mom died, she doesn't need any more younger kids in her life. I'm assuming your kids are younger.
Take her out to a nice lunch or dinner if you can afford it, it can make a kid feel really special. Go for a walk in a park if there's one nearby and the weather is conducive. If she's into girly things and you are too go for a manicure. If she likes to read go to a bookstore. Is there a museum in her town you'd like to visit? If so, ask her if she'd like to go there.
Drive somewhere with her. I know from experience that teenagers will often open up if they don't have to face you when they're talking.
You and your sister had a parent in common. Is that person in the picture?
Invite her to come spend a week with you over the summer. Your profile says you live in SF, that would probably be exciting for her.
And stay in touch. Don't bombard her with contact, just send her short messages. As you get to know her you can send her little gifts.
posted by mareli at 5:20 AM on March 3, 2018 [5 favorites]
Take her out to a nice lunch or dinner if you can afford it, it can make a kid feel really special. Go for a walk in a park if there's one nearby and the weather is conducive. If she's into girly things and you are too go for a manicure. If she likes to read go to a bookstore. Is there a museum in her town you'd like to visit? If so, ask her if she'd like to go there.
Drive somewhere with her. I know from experience that teenagers will often open up if they don't have to face you when they're talking.
You and your sister had a parent in common. Is that person in the picture?
Invite her to come spend a week with you over the summer. Your profile says you live in SF, that would probably be exciting for her.
And stay in touch. Don't bombard her with contact, just send her short messages. As you get to know her you can send her little gifts.
posted by mareli at 5:20 AM on March 3, 2018 [5 favorites]
I wouldn't read much into the Instagram thing... Even speaking as a person who is quite open on social media, Instagram for most people is for pretty pictures, not talking about big emotional stuff or even significant events.
posted by intensitymultiply at 9:35 AM on March 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by intensitymultiply at 9:35 AM on March 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Agree with mareli. Even if it's a bit awkward, which it may be, stay in touch. Don't EVER make a promise that you can't keep--certainly something as important as a visit, even if you have to turn around and leave nearly right a way. If it somehow doesn't flow naturally to call, text or write, put it on your calendar to at least say hi and send a funny gif or something once a month. As a teen without parents in a bad situation, the sister that promised to keep in touch and then faded was a huge loss. It took at least 18 months to firm up a relationship with my aunt, and she is still Aces in my book.
posted by BlueHorse at 10:28 AM on March 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by BlueHorse at 10:28 AM on March 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
I think everyone's missing a big huge point here. This girl is 14. She's a minor. The last time she saw you, she was 6- likely young to remember you. Now imagine with what "kids these days" know of internet safety... imagine a stanger contacts you through social media, indicates with confidential/personal info to some extent that she's been online stalking you, pokes wounds about your recently deceased mother and offers emotional support, claims she's a long lost relative, and asks to meet you. I'm sorry to say, but this teen is going to be creeped the F out and should be.
I can guarantee you, you're not going to get best scenario response out of this. Contact her parent first please. And perhaps reexamine your own motives and expectations here.
posted by OnefortheLast at 11:06 AM on March 3, 2018
I can guarantee you, you're not going to get best scenario response out of this. Contact her parent first please. And perhaps reexamine your own motives and expectations here.
posted by OnefortheLast at 11:06 AM on March 3, 2018
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I would say to bring your children. They are her cousins after all. It may be best to bring your spouse or another adult with you so they could supervise your children if you wanted to have a quieter moment with her.
If you could, I would suggest scanning the pictures of her mother and perhaps making a digital booklet of them for her.
I would let her define the boundaries of your relationship, but let her know you are willing to be there for her if she wants. She has a step mother, but she will be going through a lot of teen stuff in the next few years that she might be more comfortable talking to a distant aunt about.
I wouldn’t try to dig to hard into why her mother cut contact with you, but if she brings it up, try not to get too defensive if it does not seem true to you.
posted by Short End Of A Wishbone at 7:27 PM on March 2, 2018 [4 favorites]