I have a problematic relationship with alcohol, how do I fix it?
February 9, 2018 11:07 PM
I drink too much. I’m not having bad problems now, but I know I need to change something and I don’t know how to get there.
I’m a woman in my mid-30s. I have two school-age children with my ex-husband and am re-married to a man who has two children. All four kids live with us most of the time. I have a big job; it pays well which is important to me, but the hours and stress are significant. I have struggled with anxiety my whole life. I’ve done a lot of very, very helpful therapy, but anxiety is something that I’m wired for and I feel like it’s part of the reason I drink. My mother is a recovering alcoholic (she hasn’t been drinking for most of my life), her family has a history of adddiction. I’m a good, engaged mom, my work and health are not suffering, but I don’t feel good about my relationship with alcohol and I don’t know how to fix it with my available resources.
I drink 3-4 drinks a night, sometimes more on weekends. I can drink less, or not at all, but it’s rare and it’s a challenge. I usually have a drink after work and just ... keep drinking slowly until bed. I have a small benzo prescription for anxiety from my doctor, and I can take that when I tuck the kids in and go to bed without drinking and without feeling like my sanity is crumbling or stress will consume me. Otherwise I just ... can’t quite exist sober in the evenings, that’s the best way I can put it.
Over the last four months I’ve finally carved out time for exercise most days, hoping that would help with anxiety and drinking. It hasn’t made me drink less, but I’m realizing the calories impact my waistline more and more as I get older. So I’m also practically motivated to solve the problem.
Other things that seem relevant:
-My husband drinks too much in a similar way. We talk about it and both think it’s not long-term sustainable. He’s happy to drink less, and probably more able than me to follow through on that. I like drinking with him and feeling happy and relaxed together.
-I grew up with AA, and I think it has a lot of helpful information, but it doesn’t resonate with me. My mom still goes to several meetings a week, and we talk about drinking and anxiety, and I just ... don’t think it’s my solution. I’d be happy to hear your opinion if you disagree.
-I want to be healthier and not voluntarily shorten my life. I want to be more engaged with my kids instead of feeling like a need a glass of wine before I can enjoy them. I don’t want them to remember their mom always smelling boozy.
-I am very, very, very short on time. Getting parenting and work and exercise and laundry and cooking and cleaning and sleeping in feels impossible.
Things I’ve considered:
-AA
-Leveling with my doctor and asking for a couple of weeks of daily benzos to get over the habit. I’m worried she’ll push SSRIs on me instead. I’m not super into that.
-Stopping cold turkey and letting everything else go for a few weeks ... I can keep up the basics of work, parenting and marriage, but I’d be bring my C- game. Which is honestly good enough for a finite period of time, I could make it work.
What would you do? Where do I go from here? I’m not having an emergency right now, but I feel like I urgently need to make a change and I don’t know how to do it. Thank you.
I’m a woman in my mid-30s. I have two school-age children with my ex-husband and am re-married to a man who has two children. All four kids live with us most of the time. I have a big job; it pays well which is important to me, but the hours and stress are significant. I have struggled with anxiety my whole life. I’ve done a lot of very, very helpful therapy, but anxiety is something that I’m wired for and I feel like it’s part of the reason I drink. My mother is a recovering alcoholic (she hasn’t been drinking for most of my life), her family has a history of adddiction. I’m a good, engaged mom, my work and health are not suffering, but I don’t feel good about my relationship with alcohol and I don’t know how to fix it with my available resources.
I drink 3-4 drinks a night, sometimes more on weekends. I can drink less, or not at all, but it’s rare and it’s a challenge. I usually have a drink after work and just ... keep drinking slowly until bed. I have a small benzo prescription for anxiety from my doctor, and I can take that when I tuck the kids in and go to bed without drinking and without feeling like my sanity is crumbling or stress will consume me. Otherwise I just ... can’t quite exist sober in the evenings, that’s the best way I can put it.
Over the last four months I’ve finally carved out time for exercise most days, hoping that would help with anxiety and drinking. It hasn’t made me drink less, but I’m realizing the calories impact my waistline more and more as I get older. So I’m also practically motivated to solve the problem.
Other things that seem relevant:
-My husband drinks too much in a similar way. We talk about it and both think it’s not long-term sustainable. He’s happy to drink less, and probably more able than me to follow through on that. I like drinking with him and feeling happy and relaxed together.
-I grew up with AA, and I think it has a lot of helpful information, but it doesn’t resonate with me. My mom still goes to several meetings a week, and we talk about drinking and anxiety, and I just ... don’t think it’s my solution. I’d be happy to hear your opinion if you disagree.
-I want to be healthier and not voluntarily shorten my life. I want to be more engaged with my kids instead of feeling like a need a glass of wine before I can enjoy them. I don’t want them to remember their mom always smelling boozy.
-I am very, very, very short on time. Getting parenting and work and exercise and laundry and cooking and cleaning and sleeping in feels impossible.
Things I’ve considered:
-AA
-Leveling with my doctor and asking for a couple of weeks of daily benzos to get over the habit. I’m worried she’ll push SSRIs on me instead. I’m not super into that.
-Stopping cold turkey and letting everything else go for a few weeks ... I can keep up the basics of work, parenting and marriage, but I’d be bring my C- game. Which is honestly good enough for a finite period of time, I could make it work.
What would you do? Where do I go from here? I’m not having an emergency right now, but I feel like I urgently need to make a change and I don’t know how to do it. Thank you.
AA meetings really differ by meeting. Maybe you could find one you like if you look at more than one. Good luck to you.
posted by kerf at 11:43 PM on February 9, 2018
posted by kerf at 11:43 PM on February 9, 2018
This is a great question and one that I have often wanted to ask, but lacked the courage to do so. The answer is, as we know deep inside ourselves, is that we must stop drinking all together, period. Quite how we do that is the issue. From Bklyn suggests the answer: find out the "why" we drink, and deal with that. The answer to that question maybe very painful, and I suspect has something to do with, for me at least, in self-annihaltion. But your C-game sober, is infinitely better that your A-game drunk(ish). That is the truth. I haven't (yet) dealt with that the fact for myself, but I, with all my heart, wish that you will deal with this and be sober.
posted by vac2003 at 11:53 PM on February 9, 2018
posted by vac2003 at 11:53 PM on February 9, 2018
My therapist believes that a large percentage of alcoholics only drink to sleep, that is, to numb their anxiety enough to be able to fall asleep. Does that ring true to you? I don't know if this is helpful, but your question reminded me of this, especially since you only seem to drink at night.
Trading in alcohol for benzos is just trading in one unhealthy habit for another. Both successfully numb anxiety, but in the end are not healthy and sustainable solutions.
If you can afford it, individual therapy would be a good idea, I think. A therapist can help you get to the root of your anxiety and why you're drinking as well as give you excercises to help reduce stress and help you build healthy and most importantly sustainable habits to deal with your anxiety. I too am wired for anxiety and don't think I'll ever completely get rid of it, but going to therapy and finding ways to deal with it helps. I am in control now, the anxiety doesn't control me.
Lastly, benzos can be a reasonable short term solution, to get a few good night's sleep or to create some space in your mind to actually deal with underlying problems. As a long term solution though, it is not much better than alcohol and they are definitely not free of side effects.
posted by leopard-skin pill-box hat at 1:07 AM on February 10, 2018
Trading in alcohol for benzos is just trading in one unhealthy habit for another. Both successfully numb anxiety, but in the end are not healthy and sustainable solutions.
If you can afford it, individual therapy would be a good idea, I think. A therapist can help you get to the root of your anxiety and why you're drinking as well as give you excercises to help reduce stress and help you build healthy and most importantly sustainable habits to deal with your anxiety. I too am wired for anxiety and don't think I'll ever completely get rid of it, but going to therapy and finding ways to deal with it helps. I am in control now, the anxiety doesn't control me.
Lastly, benzos can be a reasonable short term solution, to get a few good night's sleep or to create some space in your mind to actually deal with underlying problems. As a long term solution though, it is not much better than alcohol and they are definitely not free of side effects.
posted by leopard-skin pill-box hat at 1:07 AM on February 10, 2018
You really sound to me as though you are self-medicating your stress and anxiety. That means that, though it won't be the only factor, successfully quitting drinking must involve substantially reducing your anxiety and/or stress, permanently.
I can understand not being into anxiety medications, though I have to say, SSRIs are generally considered to be far less addictive and dangerous than benzos. If they're absolutely not for you, that's fair, but do consider thoroughly why that is.
Individual therapy would be a Really Good Idea here, and specifically a therapist specializing in cognitive behavioral therapy for anxiety reduction. CBT is probably your best non-medication option for permanently reducing anxiety. Your ideal therapist would also have experience dealing with addiction issues, but honestly that sounds less critical than getting your anxiety under some kind of control-- which, at the moment, it absolutely is not.
posted by Rush-That-Speaks at 1:30 AM on February 10, 2018
I can understand not being into anxiety medications, though I have to say, SSRIs are generally considered to be far less addictive and dangerous than benzos. If they're absolutely not for you, that's fair, but do consider thoroughly why that is.
Individual therapy would be a Really Good Idea here, and specifically a therapist specializing in cognitive behavioral therapy for anxiety reduction. CBT is probably your best non-medication option for permanently reducing anxiety. Your ideal therapist would also have experience dealing with addiction issues, but honestly that sounds less critical than getting your anxiety under some kind of control-- which, at the moment, it absolutely is not.
posted by Rush-That-Speaks at 1:30 AM on February 10, 2018
Hi there, I think your question will resonate with a lot of people - it certainly does to me - so you are not alone and one that takes a lot of courage to ask.
I have often felt exactly the same as you - I would drink most nights - and could feel the pull of wanting to creeping in more and more. I don't have kids, but my partner and I would get into the habit of having a drink at home and it was easy to do that most nights.
I decided, with a very similar thought process to you, to do something about it and so, like a lot of people, decided this New Year, to give up for a bit and really think about why I drink. I read this book "Mindful Drinking" by Rosamund Dean. It's geared towards a British audience but focuses on women, and I liked its practical approach. For example, it makes you think practically about what makes it easy to have a drink, what makes you want one, and what alternatives there are - having something (fizzy water, hot bath, etc) ready as an alternative. The 'mindfulness' parts are quite minimal but outlined in an accessible way (I am super sceptical about anything that veers towards woo, and I found it all very palatable). The book is geared towards eventually drinking (mindfully) again, but suggests you take at least a 28 day break.
I'm on day 34 of not drinking and haven't decided yet if I will go back to it. I am thinking of staying sober until at least a big trip in March. I am still in a kind of disbelief that I have managed it and that it is getting easier! So I am at an early stage but I'm hoping my thoughts will be useful.
The first couple of weeks I was probably on my C game - as you suggest - and I think that is actually a good thing. I didn't worry too much about other stuff (i.e. dieting, vigorous exercise, side projects etc). I think that was quite helpful - if you and your husband quit for a while, you can admit to yourselves it will be hard! And that it will require willpower and mental effort! I was a bit worried about replacing alcohol with food, but I think if you give yourself a grace period of a few weeks, it is nice to have a few treats given you would be drinking your calories otherwise! I got pretty into making real hot chocolate.
After that, I have found it much, much easier. I think part of what I have realised is that not drinking actually frees up a lot of mental energy - I'm not thinking about whether I will drink or not, will it end up being too much, feeling guilty if I overdo it, feeling tired if I don't sleep well (never mind hungover!).
So, I would suggest quitting for a while and see how it goes. At least a month - and admit to yourself that it will be difficult but it might not be forever. I think it's the admitting that it will be tough that is the scary part.
In a practical sense, you can:
- get rid of any alcohol you have in the house (I didn't get rid of everything, but I put some of it away out of sight)
- maybe buy in some alternatives (this was more important for me - I don't usually drink soft drinks, but it was helpful to have some tomato juice/sprite/tea and a couple of no-alcohol beers)
- really think about alternative activities (i.e. perhaps you or your husband can go for a walk once the kids have settled, cue up some favourite TV, set aside a favourite book?). I would suggest something different to what you normally do when you have a drink (i.e. for me, I would often start playing a game and have a beer, so I avoided that for a week or so. Now, I've replaced that association so it seems to be fine!)
-think of alternatives for social drinking - like you, I found drinking at home to be more problematic, but having a soft drink with friends over or out at a pub was easy once you've done it once! I've also been driving a bit more than usual, because in my mind that takes away all effort to not drink - I never have anything to drink if I am driving.
So far, benefits have included: I've lost 8lbs; I sleep much better; I feel calmer and more in control of my life; I have freed up some time where I would normally just be vegging out; I've done a lot of niggling things around the house.
I hope this has been helpful and I truly wish you all the best. You are not alone.
posted by sedimentary_deer at 1:33 AM on February 10, 2018
I have often felt exactly the same as you - I would drink most nights - and could feel the pull of wanting to creeping in more and more. I don't have kids, but my partner and I would get into the habit of having a drink at home and it was easy to do that most nights.
I decided, with a very similar thought process to you, to do something about it and so, like a lot of people, decided this New Year, to give up for a bit and really think about why I drink. I read this book "Mindful Drinking" by Rosamund Dean. It's geared towards a British audience but focuses on women, and I liked its practical approach. For example, it makes you think practically about what makes it easy to have a drink, what makes you want one, and what alternatives there are - having something (fizzy water, hot bath, etc) ready as an alternative. The 'mindfulness' parts are quite minimal but outlined in an accessible way (I am super sceptical about anything that veers towards woo, and I found it all very palatable). The book is geared towards eventually drinking (mindfully) again, but suggests you take at least a 28 day break.
I'm on day 34 of not drinking and haven't decided yet if I will go back to it. I am thinking of staying sober until at least a big trip in March. I am still in a kind of disbelief that I have managed it and that it is getting easier! So I am at an early stage but I'm hoping my thoughts will be useful.
The first couple of weeks I was probably on my C game - as you suggest - and I think that is actually a good thing. I didn't worry too much about other stuff (i.e. dieting, vigorous exercise, side projects etc). I think that was quite helpful - if you and your husband quit for a while, you can admit to yourselves it will be hard! And that it will require willpower and mental effort! I was a bit worried about replacing alcohol with food, but I think if you give yourself a grace period of a few weeks, it is nice to have a few treats given you would be drinking your calories otherwise! I got pretty into making real hot chocolate.
After that, I have found it much, much easier. I think part of what I have realised is that not drinking actually frees up a lot of mental energy - I'm not thinking about whether I will drink or not, will it end up being too much, feeling guilty if I overdo it, feeling tired if I don't sleep well (never mind hungover!).
So, I would suggest quitting for a while and see how it goes. At least a month - and admit to yourself that it will be difficult but it might not be forever. I think it's the admitting that it will be tough that is the scary part.
In a practical sense, you can:
- get rid of any alcohol you have in the house (I didn't get rid of everything, but I put some of it away out of sight)
- maybe buy in some alternatives (this was more important for me - I don't usually drink soft drinks, but it was helpful to have some tomato juice/sprite/tea and a couple of no-alcohol beers)
- really think about alternative activities (i.e. perhaps you or your husband can go for a walk once the kids have settled, cue up some favourite TV, set aside a favourite book?). I would suggest something different to what you normally do when you have a drink (i.e. for me, I would often start playing a game and have a beer, so I avoided that for a week or so. Now, I've replaced that association so it seems to be fine!)
-think of alternatives for social drinking - like you, I found drinking at home to be more problematic, but having a soft drink with friends over or out at a pub was easy once you've done it once! I've also been driving a bit more than usual, because in my mind that takes away all effort to not drink - I never have anything to drink if I am driving.
So far, benefits have included: I've lost 8lbs; I sleep much better; I feel calmer and more in control of my life; I have freed up some time where I would normally just be vegging out; I've done a lot of niggling things around the house.
I hope this has been helpful and I truly wish you all the best. You are not alone.
posted by sedimentary_deer at 1:33 AM on February 10, 2018
Weed's getting legal in more and more states. I have just starting trying edibles, and they're delightful! And don't fuck with sleep! You get that little "everything is more-or-less okay" thing in the head that alcohol, at your point, just can't provide, and it breaks up the alcohol habit enough to feel significant.
posted by goofyfoot at 1:59 AM on February 10, 2018
posted by goofyfoot at 1:59 AM on February 10, 2018
Last September/October, I was in kind of a similar place... I was drinking wine on most evenings after work, and sort of mid-grade worrying about where it was going. But I didn't want to just go "I don't drink!" full-stop, forever. So I just decided to stop drinking on school nights and chose to substitute herbal tea instead, and see how that went. I think that having the tea plan in place was really key for me -- one, it was a similar nightly ritual to do after I got home, and two, tea was in the house and wine was not. The thing is that it kind of wound up bleeding over -- at first I still had wine on the weekends, but I got out of the habit of picking up wine when I did grocery shopping so it's not usually in the house, and I now just mostly don't drink at home at all. Yesterday I decided I wanted some wine since it was the end of a looong week, and I barely made it through a glass and a half (the second half got dumped down the sink when I went to bed). For me, I guess diversion worked really well, and I feel better about getting hold of myself without requiring outside intervention, tbh. The thing about saying cold turkey means you bring your C-game -- you might be underestimating yourself. Although the drinking started to calm down/relax (I'm also anxiety-prone) and fall asleep more easily, within a week of the "no drinking on school nights" thing I was sleeping markedly better. The anxiety is about the same level, so I guess it helped to point out that the wine wasn't helping that, either. You might not perform at your topmost level after making a change like this, but you also might surprise yourself with the unexpected benefits of less dehydration and better quality sleep.
I will say though, that since I didn't cut off all drinking, I do still go out with friends occasionally (around once a month), and then I give myself a really nasty day after because after 6 months, my tolerance is gone but I haven't changed my mental "I can have X drinks before getting stupid" (especially after the first drink). Like, I had four Belgian beers one night about a month ago and that was too much. Recognizing that is the next challenge, I guess.
posted by sldownard at 2:02 AM on February 10, 2018
I will say though, that since I didn't cut off all drinking, I do still go out with friends occasionally (around once a month), and then I give myself a really nasty day after because after 6 months, my tolerance is gone but I haven't changed my mental "I can have X drinks before getting stupid" (especially after the first drink). Like, I had four Belgian beers one night about a month ago and that was too much. Recognizing that is the next challenge, I guess.
posted by sldownard at 2:02 AM on February 10, 2018
Your life sounds really stressful to me. I think folks have given you good ideas regarding the drinking, but I wonder if those steps will be easier to take if you do some things to relieve some of the stress in your life.
As you describe it, you have a high stress job, 4 kids in the house, come home and cook dinner each night and put them all to bed with no/little help? My lord. Consider using some of the money from your well-paying job to relieve some of this stress.
Do you have a housekeeper? With 4 kids they should be coming 1-2 times a week. Do you have someone helping you in the evenings? You should have someone helping to cook dinners and put the kids to bed every night. Do you have a regularly scheduled date night with sitter set up and pizza delivery pre-ordered? Automate this. This could all be the same person, or it could be different people. How are you handling self-care? Exercise is fine, but not always relaxing. Do you take a sauna at the gym? Spend time at the hot tub? Have a regularly scheduled massage? Anything that is just for you? Start somewhere and find one thing - and schedule it in advance to happen regularly.
I feel like if you do these things while you are working on reducing your alcohol intake, it will make the process go smoother as you will be inserting new and healthier ways to deal with your stress as you take the alcohol away.
posted by Toddles at 2:33 AM on February 10, 2018
As you describe it, you have a high stress job, 4 kids in the house, come home and cook dinner each night and put them all to bed with no/little help? My lord. Consider using some of the money from your well-paying job to relieve some of this stress.
Do you have a housekeeper? With 4 kids they should be coming 1-2 times a week. Do you have someone helping you in the evenings? You should have someone helping to cook dinners and put the kids to bed every night. Do you have a regularly scheduled date night with sitter set up and pizza delivery pre-ordered? Automate this. This could all be the same person, or it could be different people. How are you handling self-care? Exercise is fine, but not always relaxing. Do you take a sauna at the gym? Spend time at the hot tub? Have a regularly scheduled massage? Anything that is just for you? Start somewhere and find one thing - and schedule it in advance to happen regularly.
I feel like if you do these things while you are working on reducing your alcohol intake, it will make the process go smoother as you will be inserting new and healthier ways to deal with your stress as you take the alcohol away.
posted by Toddles at 2:33 AM on February 10, 2018
A friend of mine swears by One Year No Beer. Until recently they would have described their situation a lot like you do, and now they're about 3-4 months alcohol free. It's a very different approach to AA, which also didn't appeal to my friend.
posted by rd45 at 2:46 AM on February 10, 2018
posted by rd45 at 2:46 AM on February 10, 2018
Good on you for realizing that this has the potential to be a problem. I think that, given your family history of alcoholism and addiction, you may want to stop drinking entirely. It is so hard to "drink less" when you are wired for addiction. It's demoralizing to keep failing. I found it so much easier to just quit.
Given the amount you currently drink on a daily basis you should definitely talk to your doctor before quitting cold turkey. SHe may indeed want to give you a short course of benzos while you are detoxing.
I agree that it sounds like you have a lot on your plate and are self-medicating your anxiety with alcohol. Don't write off an SSRI, they are life changing.
posted by pintapicasso at 4:12 AM on February 10, 2018
Given the amount you currently drink on a daily basis you should definitely talk to your doctor before quitting cold turkey. SHe may indeed want to give you a short course of benzos while you are detoxing.
I agree that it sounds like you have a lot on your plate and are self-medicating your anxiety with alcohol. Don't write off an SSRI, they are life changing.
posted by pintapicasso at 4:12 AM on February 10, 2018
Bear in mind that it may feel like alcohol helps your anxiety but in the long run it's probably making it worse. Once you get over the initial hump of quitting, you'll probably find yourself calmer and with more energy. Could you take a couple of weeks holiday and go cold turkey then perhaps?
posted by KateViolet at 5:13 AM on February 10, 2018
posted by KateViolet at 5:13 AM on February 10, 2018
There are a couple of medications (naltrexone, for example) that can reduce one's desire to drink.
posted by yarntheory at 6:07 AM on February 10, 2018
posted by yarntheory at 6:07 AM on February 10, 2018
Seconding KateViolet. I don't need the SSRI's and other meds as much since I stopped drinking , they really aren't effective if you keep drinking heavily while taking them. That lesson took a while to sink in.
I also have a high stress job, and thought I needed the alcohol to "wind down" and get to sleep at night. It's a self re-enforcing vicious cycle that ended up with me waking up in the middle of the night and drinking more to get back to sleep.
Now, I take a trazadone before bed. Not addictive, not a narcotic, used to be used as an SSRI anti-depressant. They didn't help much when I was drinking, now, I get good sleep soon after lights out.
I finally did chase down the reason I drank. I drank because I'm an alcoholic. Pretty simple really.
posted by rudd135 at 6:17 AM on February 10, 2018
I also have a high stress job, and thought I needed the alcohol to "wind down" and get to sleep at night. It's a self re-enforcing vicious cycle that ended up with me waking up in the middle of the night and drinking more to get back to sleep.
Now, I take a trazadone before bed. Not addictive, not a narcotic, used to be used as an SSRI anti-depressant. They didn't help much when I was drinking, now, I get good sleep soon after lights out.
I finally did chase down the reason I drank. I drank because I'm an alcoholic. Pretty simple really.
posted by rudd135 at 6:17 AM on February 10, 2018
It may be worth asking your doctor about naltrexone :
In the United States, doctors generally prescribe naltrexone for daily use and tell patients to avoid alcohol, instead of instructing them to take the drug anytime they plan to drink, as Sinclair would advise. There is disagreement among experts about which approach is better—Sinclair is adamant that American doctors are missing the drug’s full potential—but both seem to work: naltrexone has been found to reduce drinking in more than a dozen clinical trials, including a large-scale one funded by the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism that was published in JAMA in 2006. The results have been largely overlooked. Less than 1 percent of people treated for alcohol problems in the United States are prescribed naltrexone or any other drug shown to help control drinking.posted by lazuli at 7:15 AM on February 10, 2018
The human being is naturally anxiety free. Anxiety only comes when we behave in ways that go against our true feelings, values, and self.
Seconding others who say drinking is making your anxiety worse. Instead of addressing and confronting your pain, you're drowning in it. You're in the alcohol shame cycle.
You say that you like drinking with your husband and "feeling happy and relaxed together." Can you feel happy and relaxed without alcohol? If not, you have a problem and you're truly not happy and relaxed. You're numb for a moment, and then you're terribly unhappy again.
I've been around alcoholics enough to know that they are suffering greatly and numbing traumatic pain. Many have histories of trauma and PTSD. Keep seeing your therapist. Having said that, realize that drunks can't grow. Therapy doesn't work when you're drinking every day. Alcoholism and substance abuse keeps you suspended in shame, helplessness, immaturity and victimhood. Sobriety and a willingness to address your pain helps you to be free.
My sister is an alcoholic. I remember vividly when she was against AA. I remember when she didn't want to take SSRIs. She wasn't into them either. I remember when she saw her doctor and got Librium and thought she was going to take them and get sober on her own. (I went with her to the doctor.) Her method didn't work. A few years later and she was still boozing daily, lost two jobs, and her drinking progressed to unimaginable levels.
Here is alcoholic thinking: I will happily take benzodiazepines, which are addictive and dangerous to quit cold turkey. I will drink every day and ruin my liver, my relationships and my life, except I won't take antidepressants because "I'm not super into that". My sister didn't want to feel numbed down or lose her creativity. Meanwhile she was guzzling booze that was destroying her life and body. SSRIs might not be the answer, but destroying yourself with one substance and refusing another (that might help you) is illogical.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Alcoholism clouds your judgement. Alcoholics rationalize and bargain. Alcoholic parents are sad -- It's children raising children. You're not a bad person. You're not alone. You are in pain just like every other human. You aren't different from others. You are a wonderful human being who deserves love and the best things from life. There are healthier ways to cope and to live.
My sister is 7 months sober. Her life was unmanageable. She finally surrendered and realized she didn't have all of the answers. If she did have the answers, she would have gotten sober a long time ago. She got help, went to rehab, and attends AA daily.
I commend you for wanting to get help and wanting to be sober. Wishing you love, sobriety, good health and healing. Don't write off AA. It can help you get your life back.
posted by loveandhappiness at 7:23 AM on February 10, 2018
Seconding others who say drinking is making your anxiety worse. Instead of addressing and confronting your pain, you're drowning in it. You're in the alcohol shame cycle.
You say that you like drinking with your husband and "feeling happy and relaxed together." Can you feel happy and relaxed without alcohol? If not, you have a problem and you're truly not happy and relaxed. You're numb for a moment, and then you're terribly unhappy again.
I've been around alcoholics enough to know that they are suffering greatly and numbing traumatic pain. Many have histories of trauma and PTSD. Keep seeing your therapist. Having said that, realize that drunks can't grow. Therapy doesn't work when you're drinking every day. Alcoholism and substance abuse keeps you suspended in shame, helplessness, immaturity and victimhood. Sobriety and a willingness to address your pain helps you to be free.
My sister is an alcoholic. I remember vividly when she was against AA. I remember when she didn't want to take SSRIs. She wasn't into them either. I remember when she saw her doctor and got Librium and thought she was going to take them and get sober on her own. (I went with her to the doctor.) Her method didn't work. A few years later and she was still boozing daily, lost two jobs, and her drinking progressed to unimaginable levels.
Here is alcoholic thinking: I will happily take benzodiazepines, which are addictive and dangerous to quit cold turkey. I will drink every day and ruin my liver, my relationships and my life, except I won't take antidepressants because "I'm not super into that". My sister didn't want to feel numbed down or lose her creativity. Meanwhile she was guzzling booze that was destroying her life and body. SSRIs might not be the answer, but destroying yourself with one substance and refusing another (that might help you) is illogical.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Alcoholism clouds your judgement. Alcoholics rationalize and bargain. Alcoholic parents are sad -- It's children raising children. You're not a bad person. You're not alone. You are in pain just like every other human. You aren't different from others. You are a wonderful human being who deserves love and the best things from life. There are healthier ways to cope and to live.
My sister is 7 months sober. Her life was unmanageable. She finally surrendered and realized she didn't have all of the answers. If she did have the answers, she would have gotten sober a long time ago. She got help, went to rehab, and attends AA daily.
I commend you for wanting to get help and wanting to be sober. Wishing you love, sobriety, good health and healing. Don't write off AA. It can help you get your life back.
posted by loveandhappiness at 7:23 AM on February 10, 2018
-Leveling with my doctor and asking for a couple of weeks of daily benzos to get over the habit. I’m worried she’ll push SSRIs on me instead. I’m not super into that.
I went to the doctor for my anxiety and they mentioned SSRIs, which I have done in the past and did not feel like starting again in that moment. They then suggested taking a very low dose of a beta blocker used for high blood pressure. My blood pressure was slightly elevated anyway. (They have changed the blood pressure guidelines recently, to the point where it's very feasible that your blood pressure reads high after drinking the night before.) Now it's not elevated, and the beta blocker takes the edge off of my anxiety which had started to manifest itself physically.
Also, as KateViolet points out, alcohol increases your anxiety overall. When I stopped the daily drinking, I realized how much it had been highjacking my nervous system. I could feel normal the morning after a few drinks, but I would not react as well if things went sideways at work or something.
posted by BibiRose at 7:25 AM on February 10, 2018
I went to the doctor for my anxiety and they mentioned SSRIs, which I have done in the past and did not feel like starting again in that moment. They then suggested taking a very low dose of a beta blocker used for high blood pressure. My blood pressure was slightly elevated anyway. (They have changed the blood pressure guidelines recently, to the point where it's very feasible that your blood pressure reads high after drinking the night before.) Now it's not elevated, and the beta blocker takes the edge off of my anxiety which had started to manifest itself physically.
Also, as KateViolet points out, alcohol increases your anxiety overall. When I stopped the daily drinking, I realized how much it had been highjacking my nervous system. I could feel normal the morning after a few drinks, but I would not react as well if things went sideways at work or something.
posted by BibiRose at 7:25 AM on February 10, 2018
I stopped drinking a little less than five years ago. What helped for me was doing my exercise at the time of night I'd usually be drinking. I joined a 24 hour gym and would go for runs between 10 and 12. (Not for two hours, I just mean that's the approximate time of day I'd go.)
You say you're already exercising, but is there a way you could do it at night? Since your job is well-paying, could you hire help to take care of dinner/laundry/babysitting to make this happen for, say, a month?
posted by alphanerd at 7:48 AM on February 10, 2018
You say you're already exercising, but is there a way you could do it at night? Since your job is well-paying, could you hire help to take care of dinner/laundry/babysitting to make this happen for, say, a month?
posted by alphanerd at 7:48 AM on February 10, 2018
It sounds like the biggest source of stress in your life is your job. What's stressful about it? There's the stress of having a lot to do, there's the stress of not feeling supported by your management, the stress of uncertainty during transitional times, and the working environment itself can be stressful (open-plan offices, for example). It might not hurt to look at your work stressors, what you value about your job and what you don't care for, and ask what changes you can make that would increase your satisfaction and reduce your stress.
Could be asking for an assistant if you don't have one already, moving to a new job which has more of the things you love and less of the things you hate, delegating more, negotiating to work from home a couple of days a week, or something else entirely.
A few years ago I was incredibly stressed out with my job and had a boss who was toxic for me. I did all kinds of things to manage my anxiety but once I got laid off, I discovered that pretty much took care of my anxiety. I found another job with more growth opportunity where I still had stress but had a non-toxic boss with a healthier management style (less passive aggressive BS, more honesty and support) and my anxiety was no longer An Issue. I was still anxious and stressed at times, but not all day every day.
Separate from that, do you and your husband do connecting, de-stressing things together? Nature walks, couples massage, meditation, yoga, stuff that makes you laugh?
posted by bunderful at 7:51 AM on February 10, 2018
Could be asking for an assistant if you don't have one already, moving to a new job which has more of the things you love and less of the things you hate, delegating more, negotiating to work from home a couple of days a week, or something else entirely.
A few years ago I was incredibly stressed out with my job and had a boss who was toxic for me. I did all kinds of things to manage my anxiety but once I got laid off, I discovered that pretty much took care of my anxiety. I found another job with more growth opportunity where I still had stress but had a non-toxic boss with a healthier management style (less passive aggressive BS, more honesty and support) and my anxiety was no longer An Issue. I was still anxious and stressed at times, but not all day every day.
Separate from that, do you and your husband do connecting, de-stressing things together? Nature walks, couples massage, meditation, yoga, stuff that makes you laugh?
posted by bunderful at 7:51 AM on February 10, 2018
I was drinking to self-medicate my anxiety and depression (but of course, booze exacerbates anxiety and depression when during the times of day when you're not drinking). Topamax helped quell the craving for alcohol, and benzos short-term helped me get used to not drinking at night. And on those nights that the anxiety is still unbearable, I'll vape some weed, but it doesn't happen much anymore.
posted by elsietheeel at 7:59 AM on February 10, 2018
posted by elsietheeel at 7:59 AM on February 10, 2018
I used to drink in a very similar way. Never during the day, rarely to the point of being flat-out drunk, but just maintaining a functional level of intoxication during the evening. For me it was about dealing with work stress, managing my anxiety problems and coping with the depression and isolation of living in a place I really dislike.
What has helped me kick that habit is basically just enabling myself to realize how much better I feel when I don't drink. It takes a few days to kick in. But after three or four days sober, I feel so much happier, more energetic, clear-headed, and I sleep better. It's much easier for me to tackle challenges and work productively. Then I'll have an evening where I drink a bit and the next morning I'll feel sluggish and tired and blah, and I'm like... Oh, yeah. And I remember I don't want to feel like that anymore.
So I guess it helps to reframe it as getting something I want, rather than giving up something I want. Just telling yourself "Don't drink because it's bad for you," that's hard, it's not good psychology, it just makes you feel miserable and deprived. Telling yourself "Choose to have a better night's sleep tonight, and feel more energetic and peaceful tomorrow," ... it feels more like you're giving yourself a gift because you deserve it, instead of punishing yourself for some perceived weakness.
I suggest you do give it up cold turkey (it doesn't sound like you're physically dependent or anything). After a week of sobriety, really take some time to consider all the ways you feel better, physically and mentally, all the opportunities and moments you got to appreciate because you were totally present. Then use that as your motivation to go forward.
posted by the turtle's teeth at 8:00 AM on February 10, 2018
What has helped me kick that habit is basically just enabling myself to realize how much better I feel when I don't drink. It takes a few days to kick in. But after three or four days sober, I feel so much happier, more energetic, clear-headed, and I sleep better. It's much easier for me to tackle challenges and work productively. Then I'll have an evening where I drink a bit and the next morning I'll feel sluggish and tired and blah, and I'm like... Oh, yeah. And I remember I don't want to feel like that anymore.
So I guess it helps to reframe it as getting something I want, rather than giving up something I want. Just telling yourself "Don't drink because it's bad for you," that's hard, it's not good psychology, it just makes you feel miserable and deprived. Telling yourself "Choose to have a better night's sleep tonight, and feel more energetic and peaceful tomorrow," ... it feels more like you're giving yourself a gift because you deserve it, instead of punishing yourself for some perceived weakness.
I suggest you do give it up cold turkey (it doesn't sound like you're physically dependent or anything). After a week of sobriety, really take some time to consider all the ways you feel better, physically and mentally, all the opportunities and moments you got to appreciate because you were totally present. Then use that as your motivation to go forward.
posted by the turtle's teeth at 8:00 AM on February 10, 2018
I think it might be useful to frame this less as being an alcohol problem and more that you have an anxiety problem that you're self-medicating with alcohol.
I've been there. I spent much of much adult life with increasingly severe anxiety that eventually became crippling. I wound up drinking in the evenings more than I felt comfortable with, though less than you describe. I would have done so more, except that my anxiety was worst during the day. So I just suffered at work, usually drank some when I got home, and got perilously close to losing my job. Intrusive thoughts and physical symptoms made it almost impossible to concentrate.
I've never found therapy to be terribly effective (my stressors were largely things that I couldn't change about the world). What helped was going to a psychiatrist. I had long been scared of SSRIs and how they might change my personality. But I finally got the point where, like many people with chronic physical pain, any side effects of treatment seemed less miserable than what I was already experiencing. Realizing that I was already self-medicating with alcohol made me more open to taking more effective medication.
My psychiatrist did do therapy, but also put me on a benzodiazepine (Klonopin) immediately, twice a day at the lowest effective dose. This alone was a huge help. I started SSRIs (Prozac at first) and within a couple months the intrusive thoughts were significantly reduced. I think some of the success also came from being able to think of my anxiety as a reaction I had some control over, rather than as an inevitable response to the world. But I never could have done that without the medication.
I reduced the Klonopin dosage after a few months, but only recently tapered off it entirely, after three years of daily usage. My psychiatrist was not concerned about the side effects at low dosages, which we discussed at some length. Of course they do have addiction risk depending on the person. In my experience this was never a problem, nor was moderate alcohol consumption while on them. It probably helped that that I don't like the feeling of being drunk; it was just better than feeling anxious. A standard treatment would include just a month or two of benzos, tapering off as the SSRI took effect.
I have no regrets about the SSRIs (I'm on Lexapro now). I don't feel that I've experienced personality changes, or numbing of mood. It helped me get rid of the anxiety, and otherwise left my brain alone. The only significant side effect is lowered libido. (Wellbutrin helps some people, but not me.) That can be frustrating, but being a functional human being is far more important.
So I would strongly encourage you to talk to a psychiatrist about medication options. They're going to have a better sense of intricacies than a GP, especially when alcohol dependency is involved. And MeMail me if you'd like to talk.
posted by serathen at 8:25 AM on February 10, 2018
I've been there. I spent much of much adult life with increasingly severe anxiety that eventually became crippling. I wound up drinking in the evenings more than I felt comfortable with, though less than you describe. I would have done so more, except that my anxiety was worst during the day. So I just suffered at work, usually drank some when I got home, and got perilously close to losing my job. Intrusive thoughts and physical symptoms made it almost impossible to concentrate.
I've never found therapy to be terribly effective (my stressors were largely things that I couldn't change about the world). What helped was going to a psychiatrist. I had long been scared of SSRIs and how they might change my personality. But I finally got the point where, like many people with chronic physical pain, any side effects of treatment seemed less miserable than what I was already experiencing. Realizing that I was already self-medicating with alcohol made me more open to taking more effective medication.
My psychiatrist did do therapy, but also put me on a benzodiazepine (Klonopin) immediately, twice a day at the lowest effective dose. This alone was a huge help. I started SSRIs (Prozac at first) and within a couple months the intrusive thoughts were significantly reduced. I think some of the success also came from being able to think of my anxiety as a reaction I had some control over, rather than as an inevitable response to the world. But I never could have done that without the medication.
I reduced the Klonopin dosage after a few months, but only recently tapered off it entirely, after three years of daily usage. My psychiatrist was not concerned about the side effects at low dosages, which we discussed at some length. Of course they do have addiction risk depending on the person. In my experience this was never a problem, nor was moderate alcohol consumption while on them. It probably helped that that I don't like the feeling of being drunk; it was just better than feeling anxious. A standard treatment would include just a month or two of benzos, tapering off as the SSRI took effect.
I have no regrets about the SSRIs (I'm on Lexapro now). I don't feel that I've experienced personality changes, or numbing of mood. It helped me get rid of the anxiety, and otherwise left my brain alone. The only significant side effect is lowered libido. (Wellbutrin helps some people, but not me.) That can be frustrating, but being a functional human being is far more important.
So I would strongly encourage you to talk to a psychiatrist about medication options. They're going to have a better sense of intricacies than a GP, especially when alcohol dependency is involved. And MeMail me if you'd like to talk.
posted by serathen at 8:25 AM on February 10, 2018
Hi! Congrats, it takes courage to take a hard look at habits and ask for ideas and support. I have been on a bit of a similar path and decided over the past year that I didn't like my relationship with alcohol and have been gradually working to change it. Similar contributors: big job, problems with anxiety, crowded schedule - a few glasses of wine easily go from an occasional relaxation option to a steady habit.
There's a lot of good news for you. First, you are very much not alone. Part of the issue is our surrounding culture. Recent studies indicate people are turning more and more to alcohol as a means of relieving stress. This is true for women in particular; very recently, women's levels of alcohol consumptions reached a point where they equal men's, levels of cirrhosis in women are approaching equal as well, and doctors are increasingly becoming concerned about the resulting health effects and the patterns they are seeing, even as pop culture celebrates the likes of "wine o'clock" and other efforts to normalize overdrinking among women. As a woman in your 30s with a lot of demands and responsibilities, you are squarely in a demographic in which drinking has become a really common OTC medication self-prescribed for getting through day to day life. And this in a culture in which everybody is drinking more.
Second, there has never been a wider array of resources for tackling an unwanted alcohol habit. Twenty years ago, with a bit of a family history, I used to swear up and down that AA was the only effective road. I have changed my opinion 180 degrees - partly through being educated here on MetaFilter that its record of effectiveness is not really better than any other comprehensive approach (and comes with a lot of problematics for many people), and partly because I've come to see it as just one option (and probably a dated and patriarchal one at that) among a growing array of helpful tools. "Alcoholic" is a chosen identity but not a medical diagnosis, and you don't need to identify with that label at all to seek support. Addiction science and cognitive psychology have come a long way since the basic AA program was developed. You're definitely not alone in feeling like it and its orthodoxies are "not me." Some people do find it very helpful, even a lifesaver, and that is wonderful. But it is not one-size-fits-all. Where it works, it works because it mobilizes a certain set of tools - honesty, 24/7 access to support, research and reading, sense of community - that can be structured in other ways.
So what is there? Well, I stumbled across a terrific Australian public-health initiative called Hello Sunday Morning. It's focused on promoting healthier relationships with alcohol and changing the culture of drinking - whether people want to reduce their consumption, quit entirely, or just drink more appreciatively and attentively. Underlying it is a CBT approach, making use of personal reflection, trying experiments that shift behavior, and observing the results. They run a fun Facebook page that posts good essays and science articles and health/lifestyle stuff. But for me, by far their best tool is an app called Daybreak, which is basically a community forum for support and discussion. It's pretty active. There are coaching sessions available on the app (I haven't done those yet, but people seem to appreciate them), and lots of discussion about strategies for change and other useful resources. What I appreciate about the whole Hello Sunday Morning package is that it's less focused on the notion of doing without/reducing/abstinence/quitting and more on really embracing life, being fully present, enjoying the feeling of good health and positive experiences, without the frustrating effects of alcohol.
There is another online toolset/community called Hip Sobriety that is worth checking out. They've got a podcast, too.
This is like anything in that once you get started you uncover a whole set of additional resources. I haven't checked most of these out, but on Daybreak I learned about this person Annie Grace, who has a book out called This Naked Mind that people seem to love. She also runs online coaching programs, for a fee. Joyce Maynard wrote a recent book about choosing sobriety. There's also The Sober Diaries: How One Woman Stopped Drinking and Started Living and tons of others you'll hear of once you start checking out the resources.
Here's where I am: over the course of the past year, I decided that alcohol was becoming a problem for me, mainly because it was getting in the way of my goals and threatening to cause some health problems. Over a few years of ever more intense work and projects, I had developed a pretty regular nightly wine habit, most nights a week, as a wind-down/"reward." But it was starting to make things harder, not easier. A lot of calories, for one thing, which is hard to keep up with in working out, so I started gaining weight. Also, it made me sleepy and groggy in the mornings, meaning I was more irritable and less productive each day. Finally, I just didn't want to be that regular of a drinker. After a few different approaches to create rules around curbing drinking (school nights v. not, etc), I started poking around Hello Sunday Morning and other related readings for a while. Finally late last year, I decided to take a solid break and committed to doing Dry January, which originated as a UK public health campaign and has become a startlingly common practice. Results? (a) much easier than I expected it to be. It took focus and planning, but it was not like tooth-gnashingly hard once the commitment was made. Honestly, quitting smoking was far harder for me. (b) I've lost nearly 10 pounds without changing much about my diet at all. Probably even eating more sweets because as an alternate indulgence for the time being. (c) I had NO IDEA how much energy I was losing due to drinking even a middling amount. After the first week or so, I was sleeping a lot better, waking more rested and in a better mood. In the evening, I seemed to gain back a lot of time and not drinking and vegging at the computer or TV opened up many more choices about how to spend the evening - which I had the energy to do. And as a result of both these changes, my mood has improved a lot, and believe it or not, the anxiety has lessened. Turns out that drinking creates a physical cycle in your body that actually builds and abets anxiety, even though it seems to temporarily relieve it. Once it's a source of anxiety in itself, it really can't help. So oddly enough, you might find you are less stressed without doing the thing you think is supposed to reduce stress.
So all in all, I plan to keep on going. I might drink now and then for some celebrations coming up this year, but I've discovered to my somewhat surprise that I really prefer not drinking at all. It just removes a whole big set of complications from life. Trying to constantly calculate an appropriate number of drinks/drinking occasions was really more complicated than just skipping it entirely. And it was easier than I expected to make the change, once I reached the point where I really wanted to and felt prepared. So, be encouraged. It's hard to say what exact set of tools will be right for you, so start exploring. Talking about it with your doctor would be a great start. Reading around some of the online resources or one of the books about drinking/sobriety could be interesting. Choosing one of the short-term experiments with abstinence might be helpful. Talk therapy could help long-term, but honestly you don't need to start there - figuring out what contributes to the feeling of wanting to drink can take a back seat to actually stopping first, and then looking at the role it played. But the roots of the issue aren't necessarily in your personality. Alcohol is just a really addictive substance -- it's not always some horrifying hole in your soul that causes it to become a habit in your life, and it doesn't always reflect deep psychological wounds. Drinking's a learned habit that has a way of growing and is fueled by certain conditions, and it can be unlearned, too. One thing you don't need to be feeling is fear or shame about yourself or how you ended up in a place where you wanted to make a change. Be proud that you're willing to change something that isn't working for you - even if it takes a few experimental tries to find a relationship with alcohol that works, whether it's taking a break, committing to long-term sobriety, or finding strategies for moderation. A lot of people have done it - and here's a really moving MeFi thread about some people right here who have. Be encouraged! And if you want to chat about any of it, feel free to MeMail.
posted by Miko at 8:44 AM on February 10, 2018
There's a lot of good news for you. First, you are very much not alone. Part of the issue is our surrounding culture. Recent studies indicate people are turning more and more to alcohol as a means of relieving stress. This is true for women in particular; very recently, women's levels of alcohol consumptions reached a point where they equal men's, levels of cirrhosis in women are approaching equal as well, and doctors are increasingly becoming concerned about the resulting health effects and the patterns they are seeing, even as pop culture celebrates the likes of "wine o'clock" and other efforts to normalize overdrinking among women. As a woman in your 30s with a lot of demands and responsibilities, you are squarely in a demographic in which drinking has become a really common OTC medication self-prescribed for getting through day to day life. And this in a culture in which everybody is drinking more.
Second, there has never been a wider array of resources for tackling an unwanted alcohol habit. Twenty years ago, with a bit of a family history, I used to swear up and down that AA was the only effective road. I have changed my opinion 180 degrees - partly through being educated here on MetaFilter that its record of effectiveness is not really better than any other comprehensive approach (and comes with a lot of problematics for many people), and partly because I've come to see it as just one option (and probably a dated and patriarchal one at that) among a growing array of helpful tools. "Alcoholic" is a chosen identity but not a medical diagnosis, and you don't need to identify with that label at all to seek support. Addiction science and cognitive psychology have come a long way since the basic AA program was developed. You're definitely not alone in feeling like it and its orthodoxies are "not me." Some people do find it very helpful, even a lifesaver, and that is wonderful. But it is not one-size-fits-all. Where it works, it works because it mobilizes a certain set of tools - honesty, 24/7 access to support, research and reading, sense of community - that can be structured in other ways.
So what is there? Well, I stumbled across a terrific Australian public-health initiative called Hello Sunday Morning. It's focused on promoting healthier relationships with alcohol and changing the culture of drinking - whether people want to reduce their consumption, quit entirely, or just drink more appreciatively and attentively. Underlying it is a CBT approach, making use of personal reflection, trying experiments that shift behavior, and observing the results. They run a fun Facebook page that posts good essays and science articles and health/lifestyle stuff. But for me, by far their best tool is an app called Daybreak, which is basically a community forum for support and discussion. It's pretty active. There are coaching sessions available on the app (I haven't done those yet, but people seem to appreciate them), and lots of discussion about strategies for change and other useful resources. What I appreciate about the whole Hello Sunday Morning package is that it's less focused on the notion of doing without/reducing/abstinence/quitting and more on really embracing life, being fully present, enjoying the feeling of good health and positive experiences, without the frustrating effects of alcohol.
There is another online toolset/community called Hip Sobriety that is worth checking out. They've got a podcast, too.
This is like anything in that once you get started you uncover a whole set of additional resources. I haven't checked most of these out, but on Daybreak I learned about this person Annie Grace, who has a book out called This Naked Mind that people seem to love. She also runs online coaching programs, for a fee. Joyce Maynard wrote a recent book about choosing sobriety. There's also The Sober Diaries: How One Woman Stopped Drinking and Started Living and tons of others you'll hear of once you start checking out the resources.
Here's where I am: over the course of the past year, I decided that alcohol was becoming a problem for me, mainly because it was getting in the way of my goals and threatening to cause some health problems. Over a few years of ever more intense work and projects, I had developed a pretty regular nightly wine habit, most nights a week, as a wind-down/"reward." But it was starting to make things harder, not easier. A lot of calories, for one thing, which is hard to keep up with in working out, so I started gaining weight. Also, it made me sleepy and groggy in the mornings, meaning I was more irritable and less productive each day. Finally, I just didn't want to be that regular of a drinker. After a few different approaches to create rules around curbing drinking (school nights v. not, etc), I started poking around Hello Sunday Morning and other related readings for a while. Finally late last year, I decided to take a solid break and committed to doing Dry January, which originated as a UK public health campaign and has become a startlingly common practice. Results? (a) much easier than I expected it to be. It took focus and planning, but it was not like tooth-gnashingly hard once the commitment was made. Honestly, quitting smoking was far harder for me. (b) I've lost nearly 10 pounds without changing much about my diet at all. Probably even eating more sweets because as an alternate indulgence for the time being. (c) I had NO IDEA how much energy I was losing due to drinking even a middling amount. After the first week or so, I was sleeping a lot better, waking more rested and in a better mood. In the evening, I seemed to gain back a lot of time and not drinking and vegging at the computer or TV opened up many more choices about how to spend the evening - which I had the energy to do. And as a result of both these changes, my mood has improved a lot, and believe it or not, the anxiety has lessened. Turns out that drinking creates a physical cycle in your body that actually builds and abets anxiety, even though it seems to temporarily relieve it. Once it's a source of anxiety in itself, it really can't help. So oddly enough, you might find you are less stressed without doing the thing you think is supposed to reduce stress.
So all in all, I plan to keep on going. I might drink now and then for some celebrations coming up this year, but I've discovered to my somewhat surprise that I really prefer not drinking at all. It just removes a whole big set of complications from life. Trying to constantly calculate an appropriate number of drinks/drinking occasions was really more complicated than just skipping it entirely. And it was easier than I expected to make the change, once I reached the point where I really wanted to and felt prepared. So, be encouraged. It's hard to say what exact set of tools will be right for you, so start exploring. Talking about it with your doctor would be a great start. Reading around some of the online resources or one of the books about drinking/sobriety could be interesting. Choosing one of the short-term experiments with abstinence might be helpful. Talk therapy could help long-term, but honestly you don't need to start there - figuring out what contributes to the feeling of wanting to drink can take a back seat to actually stopping first, and then looking at the role it played. But the roots of the issue aren't necessarily in your personality. Alcohol is just a really addictive substance -- it's not always some horrifying hole in your soul that causes it to become a habit in your life, and it doesn't always reflect deep psychological wounds. Drinking's a learned habit that has a way of growing and is fueled by certain conditions, and it can be unlearned, too. One thing you don't need to be feeling is fear or shame about yourself or how you ended up in a place where you wanted to make a change. Be proud that you're willing to change something that isn't working for you - even if it takes a few experimental tries to find a relationship with alcohol that works, whether it's taking a break, committing to long-term sobriety, or finding strategies for moderation. A lot of people have done it - and here's a really moving MeFi thread about some people right here who have. Be encouraged! And if you want to chat about any of it, feel free to MeMail.
posted by Miko at 8:44 AM on February 10, 2018
Echoing what alphanerd said above, both points.
If you have a well paying job and have the means (even temporarily), perhaps carve out more time at least in the short term to help remove a source of time pressure and stress? To some extent laundry, cooking, cleaning can all be solved with money instead of time. Pre-made meals? A housekeeper for a few weeks? A cleaning person once a week for a few months? If doing all of those things by yourself seems impossible, just remember that money can be exchanged for goods and services. And the value of your time is higher than you think it is.
Also, I find that on nights when I exercise later in the evening I tend to naturally avoid drinking. I don't want to do it after work and before I work out, and I don't want to have anything between that and going to bed. Combining that with a hard stop on how late I'll have a drink on weeknights naturally cut down on my consumption.
posted by true at 9:28 AM on February 10, 2018
If you have a well paying job and have the means (even temporarily), perhaps carve out more time at least in the short term to help remove a source of time pressure and stress? To some extent laundry, cooking, cleaning can all be solved with money instead of time. Pre-made meals? A housekeeper for a few weeks? A cleaning person once a week for a few months? If doing all of those things by yourself seems impossible, just remember that money can be exchanged for goods and services. And the value of your time is higher than you think it is.
Also, I find that on nights when I exercise later in the evening I tend to naturally avoid drinking. I don't want to do it after work and before I work out, and I don't want to have anything between that and going to bed. Combining that with a hard stop on how late I'll have a drink on weeknights naturally cut down on my consumption.
posted by true at 9:28 AM on February 10, 2018
As toddles said, can you find ways to outsource some of your at-home responsibilities so it's more pleasant to be there without drinking? Cleaning services, laundry services, takeout food, hiring someone to drive kids to activities if that's relevant, having your after school child care provider ensure that anything the kids have to do for school is taken care of in that period so you don't have to think about it, etc.
And this may or may be relevant to you and your family dynamic, but I f'ing hated parenting young children, and one of mine was also very aggressive toward the other so trying to interact with both of them together was objectively miserable. I didn't drink when they were small but may have been better off if I had! If this sounds like you, then there might be ways to make parenting less of a chore. What exactly works best would depend on you and your kids, but consider some of the following possibilities:
Clear routines
Or, if that's not right for them, letting all evening schedules go
Pre defined activities; like after dinner every night everyone knows they'll play a game
One-on-one activities with each kid (such as one helping with dinner each night)
Setting up clear parenting divisions of labor with your spouse (like one of you is always in charge of maintaining calendars and keeping track of school papers, one is always in charge of maintaining their basic hygiene, etc.)
Finding at least one thing that you consistently enjoy with each kid (for me that meant logic games like Mastermind, for you it might be physical activities, crafts, singing, whatever)
Training the kids to handle their own bedtime routines if they don't already
posted by metasarah at 9:35 AM on February 10, 2018
And this may or may be relevant to you and your family dynamic, but I f'ing hated parenting young children, and one of mine was also very aggressive toward the other so trying to interact with both of them together was objectively miserable. I didn't drink when they were small but may have been better off if I had! If this sounds like you, then there might be ways to make parenting less of a chore. What exactly works best would depend on you and your kids, but consider some of the following possibilities:
Clear routines
Or, if that's not right for them, letting all evening schedules go
Pre defined activities; like after dinner every night everyone knows they'll play a game
One-on-one activities with each kid (such as one helping with dinner each night)
Setting up clear parenting divisions of labor with your spouse (like one of you is always in charge of maintaining calendars and keeping track of school papers, one is always in charge of maintaining their basic hygiene, etc.)
Finding at least one thing that you consistently enjoy with each kid (for me that meant logic games like Mastermind, for you it might be physical activities, crafts, singing, whatever)
Training the kids to handle their own bedtime routines if they don't already
posted by metasarah at 9:35 AM on February 10, 2018
This seems significant: I am very, very, very short on time. Getting parenting and work and exercise and laundry and cooking and cleaning and sleeping in feels impossible
It sounds like you're doing most of the household work with 4 kids and an intense job? No wonder you're stressed, anxious, and self-medicating with drinking. In addition to exercise and establishing a more fair division of domestic labor at home, hire some people to help you. Give yourself some room to explore what's driving your drinking and then give yourself room to change those things.
posted by quince at 10:19 AM on February 10, 2018
It sounds like you're doing most of the household work with 4 kids and an intense job? No wonder you're stressed, anxious, and self-medicating with drinking. In addition to exercise and establishing a more fair division of domestic labor at home, hire some people to help you. Give yourself some room to explore what's driving your drinking and then give yourself room to change those things.
posted by quince at 10:19 AM on February 10, 2018
I recommend AlcoDroid. It keeps track of your drinks. Tells you how buzzed you are. Also use a calorie tracker.
posted by Ironmouth at 3:29 PM on February 10, 2018
posted by Ironmouth at 3:29 PM on February 10, 2018
Whatever you decide to do long term about your anxiety, please don't go cold turkey off the alcohol. You are having 3-4 drinks, at least, a day, and taking a benzo on top of that, you could find yourself in a world of hurt if you try to handle this on your own. If your anxiety increases when you lower the amount of alcohol you consume that is a sign of two problems. One, untreated anxiety. Two, withdrawal. I really encourage you to get professional help with both.
Sometimes the worst carriers of the message of AA are our relatives. They just make it seem so know-it-all-e. But no matter what it isn't for everybody. I hope you find what works for you.
posted by cairnoflore at 10:32 PM on February 10, 2018
Sometimes the worst carriers of the message of AA are our relatives. They just make it seem so know-it-all-e. But no matter what it isn't for everybody. I hope you find what works for you.
posted by cairnoflore at 10:32 PM on February 10, 2018
I am guessing that your husband can help with (read: do his fair share of, at least) the parenting, cooking, cleaning, laundry, and other tasks. You don't say what the mix of effort is there, so I'm just guessing based on men I have been with, read about, seen movies and tv about, and heard about from those who know them first-hand. Not all men are this way, but it's very common. If you can get him to step up, that would likely help reduce your stress. If he's unwilling, then professional household help as others suggested would be a great idea.
I used to date a guy who has a heavy relationship with alcohol. I found that if he was drinking, I would want to also drink, for fear of missing out on a good time. I knew it was not a healthy compulsion, but he had zero desire to moderate his consumption, so I had no leverage there. Just wanted to mention it because it might be difficult to maintain resolve to abstain if your husband is still drinking in the evenings, so you might want to have a plan for that.
Also if SSRIs are not your cup of tea, there are other types of antidepressants that could help. I went on the SSRI merry-go-round for years and years, where they would poop out on me and then I'd be switched to another one. And then finally I found a doc who switched me to wellbutrin and I turned the corner and got my life back. There are other types as well. YMMV.
posted by cats are weird at 11:38 PM on February 10, 2018
I used to date a guy who has a heavy relationship with alcohol. I found that if he was drinking, I would want to also drink, for fear of missing out on a good time. I knew it was not a healthy compulsion, but he had zero desire to moderate his consumption, so I had no leverage there. Just wanted to mention it because it might be difficult to maintain resolve to abstain if your husband is still drinking in the evenings, so you might want to have a plan for that.
Also if SSRIs are not your cup of tea, there are other types of antidepressants that could help. I went on the SSRI merry-go-round for years and years, where they would poop out on me and then I'd be switched to another one. And then finally I found a doc who switched me to wellbutrin and I turned the corner and got my life back. There are other types as well. YMMV.
posted by cats are weird at 11:38 PM on February 10, 2018
Meant to include this essay by Kristi Coulter in my earlier comment and couldn't find it then. Some interesting commentary here on drinking and pressures on women.
posted by Miko at 8:58 PM on February 11, 2018
posted by Miko at 8:58 PM on February 11, 2018
Since no one else has mentioned it yet, I will tell you about SMART Recovery, another secular alternative to 12-step that is based on a variant of cognitive behavioral therapy called rational-emotive behavior therapy. It is one of the more evidence-based approaches to changing peoples' relationships with various substances and behaviors. Online forums as well as in-person meetings.
Another option is Mindful Moderation.
Best of luck to you!
posted by acridrabbit at 3:38 PM on February 12, 2018
Another option is Mindful Moderation.
Best of luck to you!
posted by acridrabbit at 3:38 PM on February 12, 2018
Late to the game, but there is a Buddhist based sobriety group and a book called Refuge Recovery. Really helped me quit, and to quit feeling like I was the horrible, flawed person AA encouraged me to think of myself as.
posted by k8oglyph at 2:22 PM on February 13, 2018
posted by k8oglyph at 2:22 PM on February 13, 2018
What would you do? Where do I go from here?
What would I do? What did I do? ---- Draw a line in the sand and don't let alcohol into your body come hell or high fucking water. There's too much to gain and too much to lose. It's not working anymore. Fuck alcohol- That was MY decision. Others can do what they want. But for ME, the drop-dead, scary-as-hell, decision was the best one for me, my marriage, my daughters, my career, my creativity, my sanity, my self-esteem, my health, my sleep, my social life, my attractiveness, my spirituality, my Presence, my peace. I completely understand the anxiety. For me, drinking helped soothe- until it didn't. Then it made it worse. There are other, real, paths to lessen anxiety. My final break-up with alcohol was one of the best decisions of my life. No more bargains, no more lies, no more bullshit.
I could make it work.
Then I strongly encourage you to please do so. It'll suck at first, I won't lie, but then, as your mind clears, body detoxifies, the sleep improves, situations mastered, the momentum will come and the new mandala of your life will, one day at a time, grow and blossom --and your new light will shine.
posted by mrmarley at 8:32 PM on February 16, 2018
What would I do? What did I do? ---- Draw a line in the sand and don't let alcohol into your body come hell or high fucking water. There's too much to gain and too much to lose. It's not working anymore. Fuck alcohol- That was MY decision. Others can do what they want. But for ME, the drop-dead, scary-as-hell, decision was the best one for me, my marriage, my daughters, my career, my creativity, my sanity, my self-esteem, my health, my sleep, my social life, my attractiveness, my spirituality, my Presence, my peace. I completely understand the anxiety. For me, drinking helped soothe- until it didn't. Then it made it worse. There are other, real, paths to lessen anxiety. My final break-up with alcohol was one of the best decisions of my life. No more bargains, no more lies, no more bullshit.
I could make it work.
Then I strongly encourage you to please do so. It'll suck at first, I won't lie, but then, as your mind clears, body detoxifies, the sleep improves, situations mastered, the momentum will come and the new mandala of your life will, one day at a time, grow and blossom --and your new light will shine.
posted by mrmarley at 8:32 PM on February 16, 2018
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Best of luck.
posted by From Bklyn at 11:32 PM on February 9, 2018