New life, new...absence of feeling?
January 29, 2018 5:04 PM Subscribe
Ever embark on an exciting and empowering new life change that should have you feeling totally psyched and then feel...nothin'? Flakes of snow inside.
After having my sights set on it for quite a while, I just moved to Los Angeles after four years in San Francisco. I never really fell in love with SF, but my time there was certainly significant for me, marked by major professional/personal growth, beautiful new friendships, being in love, getting married, and then getting divorced. (a little over a year ago.) When that relationship ended, I set an intention to explore opportunities in LA as soon as I felt ready to a) leave the job I'd been at for three years, b) say goodbye to that city, aaand c) emotionally/financially handle moving and starting fresh. As soon as I started exploring my options, everything fell into place - got the job I wanted, the apartment I wanted, in the timeline I wanted. I felt so happy and lucky that it all came together so easily and frankly, pretty proud of myself for moving on and doing me.
After a pretty stress-free move, I'm now in said new city with said new apartment and said new job. The weather is better and the energy is better and my neighborhood is beautiful and there is so much to do. I'm way closer to family and have a few close friends and several acquaintances here. Moving here very much feels like it was the correct decision and everything is objectively great! But I'm not feeling all that excited or energized by any of it. I feel like I'm just going through the motions and I'm not really connecting with what I'm doing any given time. I like my new gig and I'm doing everything I should be doing there, but I don't feel fully emotionally invested or connected to the work. I seem to prefer spending most evenings lazing at home and have been nudging myself toward making dinner plans with friends and going to social gatherings I'm so kindly invited to, but when I do go I don't feel super present. I feel like I'm in some kind of adjustment-related slump. I don't feel sad at all. Sadness would make sense to me and I'd know what to do with that. It's the absence of feeling that concerns me. The nothingness is weird and kind of frustrating.
It's only been a month and as my therapist wisely pointed out, I'm probably just adjusting and recalibrating after so many big life changes at once. This makes a lot of sense! But I'm wondering - has anyone else experienced this? How long until you felt psyched about all the new great stuff happening in your life? I'd like to feel a bit more joyful about it all, especially considering everything I went through last year. I have a good life and so much to be grateful for. But I'm also trying to be patient with myself.
Thanks!
After having my sights set on it for quite a while, I just moved to Los Angeles after four years in San Francisco. I never really fell in love with SF, but my time there was certainly significant for me, marked by major professional/personal growth, beautiful new friendships, being in love, getting married, and then getting divorced. (a little over a year ago.) When that relationship ended, I set an intention to explore opportunities in LA as soon as I felt ready to a) leave the job I'd been at for three years, b) say goodbye to that city, aaand c) emotionally/financially handle moving and starting fresh. As soon as I started exploring my options, everything fell into place - got the job I wanted, the apartment I wanted, in the timeline I wanted. I felt so happy and lucky that it all came together so easily and frankly, pretty proud of myself for moving on and doing me.
After a pretty stress-free move, I'm now in said new city with said new apartment and said new job. The weather is better and the energy is better and my neighborhood is beautiful and there is so much to do. I'm way closer to family and have a few close friends and several acquaintances here. Moving here very much feels like it was the correct decision and everything is objectively great! But I'm not feeling all that excited or energized by any of it. I feel like I'm just going through the motions and I'm not really connecting with what I'm doing any given time. I like my new gig and I'm doing everything I should be doing there, but I don't feel fully emotionally invested or connected to the work. I seem to prefer spending most evenings lazing at home and have been nudging myself toward making dinner plans with friends and going to social gatherings I'm so kindly invited to, but when I do go I don't feel super present. I feel like I'm in some kind of adjustment-related slump. I don't feel sad at all. Sadness would make sense to me and I'd know what to do with that. It's the absence of feeling that concerns me. The nothingness is weird and kind of frustrating.
It's only been a month and as my therapist wisely pointed out, I'm probably just adjusting and recalibrating after so many big life changes at once. This makes a lot of sense! But I'm wondering - has anyone else experienced this? How long until you felt psyched about all the new great stuff happening in your life? I'd like to feel a bit more joyful about it all, especially considering everything I went through last year. I have a good life and so much to be grateful for. But I'm also trying to be patient with myself.
Thanks!
Well, I'm going through this myself. My wife, daughter and I made the exit from SF last year (at different times, with me being the last to move out). We bought a beautiful house, are closer to family and old friends, fell into the right jobs and college, adopted a great new dog, love our neighborhood and community, everything turned out just right to an almost eerie degree.
But even after four months out of SF, I still feel dazed and unsettled. Our time in San Francisco was objectively successful, never boring and full of great moments, but it was also a real treadmill, full of the pressures that everyone of modest means in that city faces - financial uncertainty, terrible commutes, work schedules that overwhelm, dealing with all the trash and vandalism and daily awfulness that city provides.
Part of me has adapted quickly to our new home - I'm *so* much less stressed than I was in San Francisco, where I think I would have a heart attack had I stayed - but there's a part of me that doesn't quite understand that I'm off of that treadmill, outside of that system of massive frustrations and massive rewards, that can't quite settle down and enjoy this place where everything is "merely" very good instead of the endless mix of transcendent and terrible that San Francisco is.
The good news is that I do feel less shell-shocked than I was just a few months ago - and I suspect that will be the same for you, too. It does take a while to adjust. But it's not just you.
posted by eschatfische at 6:03 PM on January 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
But even after four months out of SF, I still feel dazed and unsettled. Our time in San Francisco was objectively successful, never boring and full of great moments, but it was also a real treadmill, full of the pressures that everyone of modest means in that city faces - financial uncertainty, terrible commutes, work schedules that overwhelm, dealing with all the trash and vandalism and daily awfulness that city provides.
Part of me has adapted quickly to our new home - I'm *so* much less stressed than I was in San Francisco, where I think I would have a heart attack had I stayed - but there's a part of me that doesn't quite understand that I'm off of that treadmill, outside of that system of massive frustrations and massive rewards, that can't quite settle down and enjoy this place where everything is "merely" very good instead of the endless mix of transcendent and terrible that San Francisco is.
The good news is that I do feel less shell-shocked than I was just a few months ago - and I suspect that will be the same for you, too. It does take a while to adjust. But it's not just you.
posted by eschatfische at 6:03 PM on January 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
I'm in a similar place. I just moved cities, got the job I feared I wasn't good enough for over the last six or seven years, and I should feel great. I'm independent! I'm living on my terms! I'm paying off debts!
However, life isn't that simple. I'm scared I'll screw up my new job. I'm scared about making new friends. And the cold saps my energy and enthusiasm to go out and try to befriend people on the weekends or after work.
I'm pretty obviously adapting. And that's fine. I'm nesting in my apartment and trying my best to get up to speed at my job. And if that's the most I can do right now, at least I'm doing a few constructive steps for the future.
Maybe that's how it is for you. Let's both feel better in a few months.
posted by ikea_femme at 8:17 PM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
However, life isn't that simple. I'm scared I'll screw up my new job. I'm scared about making new friends. And the cold saps my energy and enthusiasm to go out and try to befriend people on the weekends or after work.
I'm pretty obviously adapting. And that's fine. I'm nesting in my apartment and trying my best to get up to speed at my job. And if that's the most I can do right now, at least I'm doing a few constructive steps for the future.
Maybe that's how it is for you. Let's both feel better in a few months.
posted by ikea_femme at 8:17 PM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
I think the joy will come once you hit your stride and get into a rhythm. Just because you move to a new place you like doesn't mean all the pieces have come together. You need time. I think you should try to push yourself to see friends and make plans when you can. Push yourself to get to know your co-workers and feel like you're contributing at work too. That's how you will start to lay down the roots that it sounds like you're missing right now.
posted by AppleTurnover at 8:20 PM on January 29, 2018
posted by AppleTurnover at 8:20 PM on January 29, 2018
Not much advice to offer but your question definitely resonated with me - I just landed a fantastic new job opportunity and I'm really struggling to feel excited by it. I suspect it won't come until I actually feel secure in the new role.
The only other thing I'd say is that moving to a new city is a big change in its own right. Even if it's a good move I think that alone can take months or even a year or so to really get to a point where you feel "at home" in the new place. Do try to get out there and meet people though - I think it's those connections that build your sense of belonging where you are.
posted by crocomancer at 2:34 AM on January 30, 2018
The only other thing I'd say is that moving to a new city is a big change in its own right. Even if it's a good move I think that alone can take months or even a year or so to really get to a point where you feel "at home" in the new place. Do try to get out there and meet people though - I think it's those connections that build your sense of belonging where you are.
posted by crocomancer at 2:34 AM on January 30, 2018
For me, sometimes it's easier to be working toward something than actually achieving that thing, because it means I need to go find a new goal/dream/etc. Could you make a list of things you actually want to do in LA?
posted by LoonyLovegood at 3:52 AM on January 30, 2018
posted by LoonyLovegood at 3:52 AM on January 30, 2018
Best answer: I think it’s really common with all types of life changes. You expect it to sweep through everything you do, and you expect your initial feelings - or how you think you’re supposed to feel - to dominate, but then you get there and it’s not happening and you find yourself eating a party-size bag of chips for dinner just like in your old life. And it’s puzzling and stressful when your feelings are flatter than your expectations; maybe you feel a lot like you did before the change, but now it feels wrong.
People talk about “transplanting” and “putting down roots” in new cities and it’s a useful metaphor: you can plant yourself in the nicest, sunniest spot, trim your withered leaves, give yourself regular water and fertilizer and all the rest. This prepares you for growth, and gives you the best possible chance, but the growth itself happens on its own timeline and can’t be forced.
In my experience, moves take about three to six months to adjust to. It helps me to label any negative feelings (“I hate it here” and “this was a mistake”) as the adjustment talking, and to consciously remind myself to avoid letting those feelings take hold. If you feel like you’re just going through the motions in social settings, that’s no cause for alarm: all of them are new to you, and new settings often don’t provide instant feelings of connection or familiarity. It’s normal to meet a bunch of new people and try new things and have none of them take. Keep trying, but don’t worry if you run into dead ends.
It’s great that you’re talking to a therapist! Even if you feel like you don’t need it right now, they can be a lot of help when you’re going through changes and want to track your progress.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:51 AM on January 30, 2018 [6 favorites]
People talk about “transplanting” and “putting down roots” in new cities and it’s a useful metaphor: you can plant yourself in the nicest, sunniest spot, trim your withered leaves, give yourself regular water and fertilizer and all the rest. This prepares you for growth, and gives you the best possible chance, but the growth itself happens on its own timeline and can’t be forced.
In my experience, moves take about three to six months to adjust to. It helps me to label any negative feelings (“I hate it here” and “this was a mistake”) as the adjustment talking, and to consciously remind myself to avoid letting those feelings take hold. If you feel like you’re just going through the motions in social settings, that’s no cause for alarm: all of them are new to you, and new settings often don’t provide instant feelings of connection or familiarity. It’s normal to meet a bunch of new people and try new things and have none of them take. Keep trying, but don’t worry if you run into dead ends.
It’s great that you’re talking to a therapist! Even if you feel like you don’t need it right now, they can be a lot of help when you’re going through changes and want to track your progress.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:51 AM on January 30, 2018 [6 favorites]
Aaaaaactually, when I found myself feeling this way a while ago it took a surprisingly long time for me to connect the dots and realize that this feeling, this 'inability to take pleasure in things that would normally be pleasurable'? That's the 'anhedonia' thing they talk about when they talk about depression. Once I approached it as 'my depression is flaring up' it opened up a ton of treatment options and I felt better really soon. Not saying that's what's happening here, but it's worth exploring.
posted by Ausamor at 6:50 AM on January 30, 2018
posted by Ausamor at 6:50 AM on January 30, 2018
Yup. Made a huge move to a city I always wanted to live in (Chicago) doing work that pays way more than I think I am qualified to earn, going out and LIVING, and I am experiencing ups and downs with my mood to the point where sometimes I am euphoric and sometimes I feel depressed and sometimes I feel absolutely nothing. I'm also experiencing some identity issues and a lot of regret for not doing this sooner but also fear and the desire to run back to my home town where everything was SAFE and OK and EASY. This is a month in.
Take care of yourself and realize that even positive change is still sometimes linked to "trauma" in the brain and you need to give yourself way more time to adjust than 4 months. You still need to grieve the loss of your old life, even if you're going to be happy in time.
posted by Young Kullervo at 8:00 AM on January 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
Take care of yourself and realize that even positive change is still sometimes linked to "trauma" in the brain and you need to give yourself way more time to adjust than 4 months. You still need to grieve the loss of your old life, even if you're going to be happy in time.
posted by Young Kullervo at 8:00 AM on January 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
It takes me almost a year to settle into a new place -- even if you appear to like everything and have activities and friends, you just need time to acclimate, develop routines, and get rid of the unopened boxes at the back of the guest room.
Sure, if you're actuallly anhedonic, that's one thing. But exhiliration isn't the normal response to change, let alone a sustainable state. You've improved your life -- give yourself a substantial chunk of time to really own it.
posted by acm at 8:01 AM on January 30, 2018
Sure, if you're actuallly anhedonic, that's one thing. But exhiliration isn't the normal response to change, let alone a sustainable state. You've improved your life -- give yourself a substantial chunk of time to really own it.
posted by acm at 8:01 AM on January 30, 2018
And I second the possibility of anhedonia. There are a lot of negative connotations when people use the word "depression" but unless you're feeling hopeless and sad all the time, this is just your brain working through something important to preserve itself. It's adjusting to NEW LIFE STRESS.
posted by Young Kullervo at 8:03 AM on January 30, 2018
posted by Young Kullervo at 8:03 AM on January 30, 2018
Something I've noticed when coming out of a stressful situation is that once the dust settles on the change I have a bunch of pent-up emotions to deal with. It's like my brain pushes them out of mind until it's 'safe' to process them.
It's a pretty good coping skill, but it can have some weird results, like feeling depressed or dazed even when you *think* you should feel great. Give yourself some time, and don't push yourself too hard to feel better. Let your brain and body go through what it needs to go through. If you still feel like this in 6 months, that might be a good time to seek (temporary) medication to get you over the last hump.
Anecdata: I moved back to SF after 5 years abroad, just after a big, important relationship ended and I walked away from a company I founded. It took me over a year and some medication before I really felt like I'd "arrived". I feel fine now, but MAN that transition sucked.
posted by ananci at 10:37 AM on January 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
It's a pretty good coping skill, but it can have some weird results, like feeling depressed or dazed even when you *think* you should feel great. Give yourself some time, and don't push yourself too hard to feel better. Let your brain and body go through what it needs to go through. If you still feel like this in 6 months, that might be a good time to seek (temporary) medication to get you over the last hump.
Anecdata: I moved back to SF after 5 years abroad, just after a big, important relationship ended and I walked away from a company I founded. It took me over a year and some medication before I really felt like I'd "arrived". I feel fine now, but MAN that transition sucked.
posted by ananci at 10:37 AM on January 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
I experienced something similar after successfully completing cancer treatment. After an intense period of focusing on one obviously important thing, there was a huge sense of, "OK, I'm not dead - now what?" I had to slowly push myself to focus on doing positive, productive things.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:15 AM on January 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:15 AM on January 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
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That contentment could maybe—if I were temperamentally more energetic or self-starting than I am now—lead to me doing things that feel joyful or adventurous, but moving into my best possible situation didn't change who I was.
If you used to be less of a homebody, more ready to go out and do things, etc., I think it'll probably come eventually. But I will say—and will say it happily, not as a cautionary tale or a sign I'm depressed or you should be depressed or anything else—that one of the things my great new life situation taught me was that I was much less ambitious and... stimulus-seeking, I guess, than I used to be. For me, at least, it was more peace than joy.
posted by Polycarp at 5:49 PM on January 29, 2018 [3 favorites]