Co-worker thinks I'm dumb and doesn't try to hide it
January 29, 2018 4:00 PM Subscribe
I'm new as a customer service representative for a company. I've only been working for a couple weeks. Because of my ADHD I have a hard time remembering some of the information. My coworker is usually very polite but sometimes I hear him snickering about the questions I ask.
I have awful short term memory so I have to have things repeated to me several times. I feel very self conscious when hes around me and it's effecting my performance. Should I ask my manager to maybe put us in different shifts? How do I handle this without too much drama?
I have awful short term memory so I have to have things repeated to me several times. I feel very self conscious when hes around me and it's effecting my performance. Should I ask my manager to maybe put us in different shifts? How do I handle this without too much drama?
Couple of options:
(a) You definitely could just ask to be on another shift. That's the least aggressive option, perfectly valid if you don't want to do more.
(b) The next time he snickers, turn and ask EXTREMELY POLITELY, "Oh, what's the joke?" You can't ask it in an aggressive way. You have to ask like you have no idea what's going on. He'll say something like "nothing," and you just accept that at face value. The idea is to alert him to the fact that you can hear him, which will probably embarrass him into stopping. This is a little more assertive, but, as long as you are confident you can ask it calmly, will probably not result in drama.
posted by praemunire at 4:13 PM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
(a) You definitely could just ask to be on another shift. That's the least aggressive option, perfectly valid if you don't want to do more.
(b) The next time he snickers, turn and ask EXTREMELY POLITELY, "Oh, what's the joke?" You can't ask it in an aggressive way. You have to ask like you have no idea what's going on. He'll say something like "nothing," and you just accept that at face value. The idea is to alert him to the fact that you can hear him, which will probably embarrass him into stopping. This is a little more assertive, but, as long as you are confident you can ask it calmly, will probably not result in drama.
posted by praemunire at 4:13 PM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
> I have awful short term memory so I have to have things repeated to me several times.
I think you need to reframe this to "I know have awful short-term memory, so I take careful notes and write everything down."
If you need people to repeat simple things to you over and over, you're making your ADHD their problem instead of yours. Your coworker is rude for laughing at you, but you need to take some responsibility for this issue so your coworker has nothing to laugh at you about.
posted by erst at 4:18 PM on January 29, 2018 [78 favorites]
I think you need to reframe this to "I know have awful short-term memory, so I take careful notes and write everything down."
If you need people to repeat simple things to you over and over, you're making your ADHD their problem instead of yours. Your coworker is rude for laughing at you, but you need to take some responsibility for this issue so your coworker has nothing to laugh at you about.
posted by erst at 4:18 PM on January 29, 2018 [78 favorites]
It's really rude and unkind of your coworker to snicker at you, but you need to take ownership of the problem and find a solution i.e. taking notes. You shouldn't have to ask people to repeat themselves. Maybe use another askme question for tips about how best to take notes/remember details.
It's ok to ask follow up questions later on if you need more detail, I don't want to put you off that. It's making people repeat the same thing that drives them nuts.
posted by kitten magic at 4:26 PM on January 29, 2018
It's ok to ask follow up questions later on if you need more detail, I don't want to put you off that. It's making people repeat the same thing that drives them nuts.
posted by kitten magic at 4:26 PM on January 29, 2018
This sounds like a crappy situation but part of being a professional is making a workflow that works for you and minimizes distractions for your teammates. Definitely take lots of notes, and ask for clarification on anything you need help with. When asking for help on things that you've been trained on already, be sure to say what you have done/tried already, like "I know we have discussed what to do when someone needs a refund but I can't find in my notes if we issue the refund first, or wait for the return to show up. Mind refreshing my memory? I'll write it down this time!"
posted by masquesoporfavor at 4:29 PM on January 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by masquesoporfavor at 4:29 PM on January 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
Best answer: "you need to take some responsibility for this issue so your coworker has nothing to laugh at you about."
yikes, please do not listen to this. Yeah, you probably need to work on a system that helps you with remembering stuff either alone or with your supervisor's help but it's in no way your responsibility to...have less symptoms of your illness so your co-worker doesn't tease you like a schoolyard bully. Assuming everyone is a grown-ass adult, the ideal (if not the reality) of a normal, healthy workplace is nobody laughs at anyone cruelly for any reason????
posted by colorblock sock at 4:34 PM on January 29, 2018 [34 favorites]
yikes, please do not listen to this. Yeah, you probably need to work on a system that helps you with remembering stuff either alone or with your supervisor's help but it's in no way your responsibility to...have less symptoms of your illness so your co-worker doesn't tease you like a schoolyard bully. Assuming everyone is a grown-ass adult, the ideal (if not the reality) of a normal, healthy workplace is nobody laughs at anyone cruelly for any reason????
posted by colorblock sock at 4:34 PM on January 29, 2018 [34 favorites]
I agree with the folks who recommend you not ask to change shifts. It probably isn't the way you want to begin.
There's no easy answer-- laughing makes him a jerk. What I might do is something like this:
Sit down with him in the break room and say, "I really like my new job here at XCorp, but I'm very nervous! I'm working on a system for writing things down, but when the customer questions come in very quickly I still have a hard time answering them! Do you have any tips, or are you just naturally good at answering questions?"
If he is open to that conversation, and if you can do it, then you might later add: "I realise some of my questions must sound funny to you."
I've had a lot of luck with people in the office who started off nasty by just showing my vulnerability and signalling to them I was aware of their reaction to me. The combination is often effective to give them the room to stop being a jerk.
However, you should only try this kind of conversation if you feel confident to do it and you can read from his attitude and body language that he would be open to it. To be clear, it isn't your obligation to do this in any way-- he's the one in the wrong. But in a corporate environment it might be more effective than talking to your manager at this stage.
posted by frumiousb at 4:48 PM on January 29, 2018 [5 favorites]
There's no easy answer-- laughing makes him a jerk. What I might do is something like this:
Sit down with him in the break room and say, "I really like my new job here at XCorp, but I'm very nervous! I'm working on a system for writing things down, but when the customer questions come in very quickly I still have a hard time answering them! Do you have any tips, or are you just naturally good at answering questions?"
If he is open to that conversation, and if you can do it, then you might later add: "I realise some of my questions must sound funny to you."
I've had a lot of luck with people in the office who started off nasty by just showing my vulnerability and signalling to them I was aware of their reaction to me. The combination is often effective to give them the room to stop being a jerk.
However, you should only try this kind of conversation if you feel confident to do it and you can read from his attitude and body language that he would be open to it. To be clear, it isn't your obligation to do this in any way-- he's the one in the wrong. But in a corporate environment it might be more effective than talking to your manager at this stage.
posted by frumiousb at 4:48 PM on January 29, 2018 [5 favorites]
Can you ask questions via chat or email? That way the answer is documented for you. Were you provided with any procedures/documentation? Make sure you check them before asking. Then you can say "I've reviewed my notes and the process document, and I need clarification on X."
Can you take some time to organize your notes in a way that makes sense to you, create checklists if that would help, stuff like that? I have ADD and it's helped me to take charge of organizing my material and my work instead of relying on other people's methods.
I have also had to push myself to ask questions regardless of what other people think. BUT I've also worked with a lot of people who don't think to use the tools they already have at their disposal before asking, and that can be frustrating to deal with - so make sure you take time to make the effort on your own.
Personally I'd say something to him along the lines of "When you laugh at me for asking questions, it makes me uncomfortable about approaching you." But I cannot tell you whether this is a good thing to do or appropriate for your particular situation. It's just what I might do. (On preview, frumiousb's approach is probably better).
posted by bunderful at 4:54 PM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
Can you take some time to organize your notes in a way that makes sense to you, create checklists if that would help, stuff like that? I have ADD and it's helped me to take charge of organizing my material and my work instead of relying on other people's methods.
I have also had to push myself to ask questions regardless of what other people think. BUT I've also worked with a lot of people who don't think to use the tools they already have at their disposal before asking, and that can be frustrating to deal with - so make sure you take time to make the effort on your own.
Personally I'd say something to him along the lines of "When you laugh at me for asking questions, it makes me uncomfortable about approaching you." But I cannot tell you whether this is a good thing to do or appropriate for your particular situation. It's just what I might do. (On preview, frumiousb's approach is probably better).
posted by bunderful at 4:54 PM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
Do NOT show vulnerability to bullies. It just gives them ammunition to make you more miserable.
Take notes, as people above have said, and ignore the guy as much as you can. This isn't about you, it's about him being a not very good person.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 5:00 PM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
Take notes, as people above have said, and ignore the guy as much as you can. This isn't about you, it's about him being a not very good person.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 5:00 PM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
Take notes, and offer to write protocols or scripts for the department (ask your manager). Having this documented will benefit everyone, it will buy you some time to organize notes, and the review process will ensure there's agreement on how situations should be handled.
Please do not have the sit down talk with your coworker described above. I train people, and I'd be annoyed to have to do emotional labor for you on top of training someone who is struggling. He should not be laughing, and I encourage you to push back on that with something like "what's so funny?" But this person is already clearly not happy to be training you. Make his job easier, not harder.
posted by momus_window at 5:02 PM on January 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
Please do not have the sit down talk with your coworker described above. I train people, and I'd be annoyed to have to do emotional labor for you on top of training someone who is struggling. He should not be laughing, and I encourage you to push back on that with something like "what's so funny?" But this person is already clearly not happy to be training you. Make his job easier, not harder.
posted by momus_window at 5:02 PM on January 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
It's also true that everyone in a new job has to ask some things to be repeated more than once. It's not fair that just because it's harder for you, and he's noticed you asking more than might be typical, for him to use all your questions as ammunition, when of course you do deserve what everyone does: some repeats in the normal learning curve. Take notes as best you can, preferably on a device you can search easily, and then for the remainder that you still need repeated: Absolutely don't let him make you feel crappy about your questions. Own the fact that you have the right to the learning curve too and hold your head up high -- he looks bad for laughing, not you.
posted by velveeta underground at 5:11 PM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by velveeta underground at 5:11 PM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
I don't see anywhere in your question that this guy is a trainer or supervisor. If that's the case, and he's just an equal, ignore it. Get constant feedback from the actual authorities to make sure you're doing ok, and ignore everything else. Usually, managers and trainers understand that things are hard to learn and it takes time. The people who think you ask stupid questions are the people who have been there so long that they know everything, and they're bitter about their own lack of a career path. Don't let their crap affect you.
That's easier said than done, of course, so here's a practical tip: Try phrasing your questions in such a way that show you have an idea of the answer. E.g., "n behavior isn't permitted, right?" If you don't have an idea of the answer, you can say something like "I know we do x in y situation, but what about z situation?" Show off what you do know before admitting what you don't.
posted by kevinbelt at 5:46 PM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
That's easier said than done, of course, so here's a practical tip: Try phrasing your questions in such a way that show you have an idea of the answer. E.g., "n behavior isn't permitted, right?" If you don't have an idea of the answer, you can say something like "I know we do x in y situation, but what about z situation?" Show off what you do know before admitting what you don't.
posted by kevinbelt at 5:46 PM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
Is there any other resource for looking things up other than someone telling you? You're blaming yourself for not having a good memory, but people have different learning styles and a single verbal explanation is not adequate training or documentation. Keep a notebook with you. When something is explained, make notes. If the explanation is too fast, ask the person to slow down so you can take notes. This is totally reasonable. If you have time, type up the notes. Listening to the explanation, writing it down, then typing it will help you remember. It's the company's job to provide adequate training and documentation.
Blame isn't useful in this instance. Mockery is a dick move. Lots of people have Attention Deficits and such people are often well suited to customer service jobs, which are by nature distracting, and where you generally handle the call, write it up, and move on. When you blame yourself, when you assume you are the problem, it's easier for people to treat you badly, co-workers, customers, managers. Tell yourself as often as needed I deserve respect. I'm working hard and doing my best. I deserve civility and kindness because you do. Be cheerful and kind to others, and demand that you be treated with common decency at the very least.
posted by theora55 at 6:20 PM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
Blame isn't useful in this instance. Mockery is a dick move. Lots of people have Attention Deficits and such people are often well suited to customer service jobs, which are by nature distracting, and where you generally handle the call, write it up, and move on. When you blame yourself, when you assume you are the problem, it's easier for people to treat you badly, co-workers, customers, managers. Tell yourself as often as needed I deserve respect. I'm working hard and doing my best. I deserve civility and kindness because you do. Be cheerful and kind to others, and demand that you be treated with common decency at the very least.
posted by theora55 at 6:20 PM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Don't over-apologize, if you even apologize at all. Act like you're not bothering people or doing anything unusual, even if you can't feel that way because he's trying hard to make you uncomfortable . Sorry, what was that thing again? = fine. I'm so sorry, I have a really hard time remembering details, can you tell me that thing again? I know you told me before, I'm sorry to bother you again = no no no no.
I have been an unhappy manager with highly dependent direct reports (I don't think they had memory troubles, they were just terrified to do anything without checking each step with me first, for a really long time). and yes, I was frustrated and annoyed. but I would never, ever, no matter what, deliberately have let them know it. It's just a stage you get used to if you work with a lot of new people, and this jerk is showing off his own inexperience and ignorance.
answering questions from new people is part of the job, whether you're their supervisor or not, period. in any functional workplace with any kind of worker solidarity, where the new person is not being deliberately disruptive, which you clearly aren't. Sure, write stuff down, but it's much better to ask the same question five times in a row now than to let six months go by and then let on that you never learned the basics because you were scared to ask for a repeat explanation.
try to ask different people and not the same person every time, if you have a choice. but if you're not even asking him, and he's just eavesdropping to be a dick, he is making himself look bad and the manager will judge him more harshly than you.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:16 PM on January 29, 2018 [6 favorites]
I have been an unhappy manager with highly dependent direct reports (I don't think they had memory troubles, they were just terrified to do anything without checking each step with me first, for a really long time). and yes, I was frustrated and annoyed. but I would never, ever, no matter what, deliberately have let them know it. It's just a stage you get used to if you work with a lot of new people, and this jerk is showing off his own inexperience and ignorance.
answering questions from new people is part of the job, whether you're their supervisor or not, period. in any functional workplace with any kind of worker solidarity, where the new person is not being deliberately disruptive, which you clearly aren't. Sure, write stuff down, but it's much better to ask the same question five times in a row now than to let six months go by and then let on that you never learned the basics because you were scared to ask for a repeat explanation.
try to ask different people and not the same person every time, if you have a choice. but if you're not even asking him, and he's just eavesdropping to be a dick, he is making himself look bad and the manager will judge him more harshly than you.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:16 PM on January 29, 2018 [6 favorites]
Snickering at new talent in customer service is not unheard of, those who have gone through the motions a million times often tease new people who are just figuring out the procedure, it's just a thing.
Short term memory is required in customer service. You'll need a workable personal notation and reference system.
posted by ovvl at 8:14 PM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
Short term memory is required in customer service. You'll need a workable personal notation and reference system.
posted by ovvl at 8:14 PM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
I think you ignore the co-worker and focus on doing your job better. In this case, that means not forgetting stuff constantly. Bring a pen and pad with you to meetings, and use your cell phone to keep notes. I like Google Keep, because you can make lists and notes on your phone, but you can also access it online too via keep.google.com when logged into your Google account.
I don't think any confrontation because a guy laughed to himself is going to help you. I agree the best course of action is to not forget stuff all the time and to stop worrying about the co-worker. The answer you marked as the "best answer" doesn't actually offer advice or a solution for you, I'm afraid.
posted by AppleTurnover at 8:24 PM on January 29, 2018
I don't think any confrontation because a guy laughed to himself is going to help you. I agree the best course of action is to not forget stuff all the time and to stop worrying about the co-worker. The answer you marked as the "best answer" doesn't actually offer advice or a solution for you, I'm afraid.
posted by AppleTurnover at 8:24 PM on January 29, 2018
Look at this from your co-worker's perspective. His laughing, while certainly cruel, is probably intense frustration that you, the new guy, aren't taking any personal accountability in learning how to do your job. To him, if he doesn't know you have ADHD, then it looks like you haven't bothered to learn the basics, are potentially lazy, and will be mooching off his experience for the foreseeable future without taking steps to improve your performance.
If you want to handle this without drama, then I would tell him "Look, I have ADHD. Trying to commit things to memory isn't working for me, it turns out! I know that I need to change how I'm learning here, to make sure I can perform my job. What I'm going to do is take really great notes every time I ask a new question, to make sure I don't have to ask you it again. Can you help me? While I'm making these notes, I might need to ask you a question that I've already asked - but this should be the last time! After that, if I ask you something I've already asked, it would be helpful if you can remind me that I've already written down the answer, so I can check my notes. Thanks so much for helping me."
posted by citands at 4:29 AM on January 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
If you want to handle this without drama, then I would tell him "Look, I have ADHD. Trying to commit things to memory isn't working for me, it turns out! I know that I need to change how I'm learning here, to make sure I can perform my job. What I'm going to do is take really great notes every time I ask a new question, to make sure I don't have to ask you it again. Can you help me? While I'm making these notes, I might need to ask you a question that I've already asked - but this should be the last time! After that, if I ask you something I've already asked, it would be helpful if you can remind me that I've already written down the answer, so I can check my notes. Thanks so much for helping me."
posted by citands at 4:29 AM on January 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
Don't be hard on yourself. Your struggle with remembering things may have nothing to do with ADHD. It's a fact that most things are not memorable with only one repetition. This article recommends that school children encounter a word 17 times to memorize it. The guy training you is just clueless. Don't be hard on yourself. *Do* look for strategies and do your best, but don't give his opinion any weight.
Before telling anyone in your work environment that you have ADHD do a little research and make sure that's what you want to do. Not everyone understands that adult ADHD is a real issue, and there's still some stigma attached to it.
posted by bunderful at 5:50 AM on January 30, 2018 [5 favorites]
Before telling anyone in your work environment that you have ADHD do a little research and make sure that's what you want to do. Not everyone understands that adult ADHD is a real issue, and there's still some stigma attached to it.
posted by bunderful at 5:50 AM on January 30, 2018 [5 favorites]
He's probably going to do this to the next new person, too. Not to say this shouldn't bother you; just, the fact that your learning curve may be a little steeper than some people's is not causing him to act this way. Talking/laughing about people where they can hear is really tacky. I would ask him, "Is there a problem?" but that is just me.
By the way, most people have a steep learning curve in customer service, unless they have done that exact job before. Some people are better at covering it up, or else they really believe they are on top of it when they are not.
posted by BibiRose at 8:22 AM on January 30, 2018
By the way, most people have a steep learning curve in customer service, unless they have done that exact job before. Some people are better at covering it up, or else they really believe they are on top of it when they are not.
posted by BibiRose at 8:22 AM on January 30, 2018
Best answer: I think you have two issues here: your co-worker behaving like a jerk, and what you need to do to be successful in your new job by working the way your brain needs to work to succeed.
For the jerk issue: People with ADHD tend to have very intense emotions, and we can also experience something called rejection-sensitive dysphoria where we are extremely affected by perceived rejection. If this is something you struggle with, it might be helpful to look up resources specifically tailored to helping ADHD people manage intense emotion and/or RSD.
I bring this up because you mention that your co-worker is polite to you but you hear him snickering over your questions - I assume from your phrasing that you OVERhear him. Someone being polite to you and then laughing a little to themselves after is a different level of rude from being polite to you and then laughing at you to other people, or just straight up mocking you to your face. Especially if you don't hear everything, it could be possible he isn't laughing at you at all - he might be laughing ruefully because he just yesterday told someone that the training materials weren't clear and you proved his point, or he might be laughing because he's trained 13 new people in two years and they all ask the same things, or he might have gotten a funny text, or any number of things that aren't necessarily "this co-worker thinks I, personally, am The Worst." It may not be as personal as your brain thinks it is.
And even if it is: I wouldn't suggest asking to change shifts for something like this unless the other person is actually mocking you to others. Quiet laughing to himself, if that is what is happening, is going to seem minor to most managers and you don't want to start out by making people think of you as "high-maintenance" or "not a team player" or "prickly" or anything like that.
My advice is to take his politeness at face value, ignore what you overhear if it's just him by himself, and if he tries to get digs in, just act as though you assume good intentions. "Yes, I do have to ask a lot of questions while I'm learning. I want to get things right! Thanks for being patient with me. I look forward to the day when I know this as well as you do."
Also a GREAT piece of advice I got from How To ADHD: don't say "sorry." Say "thank you." Apologies are useless at best and annoying at worst when they aren't followed by behavior change, so if you are apologizing for the symptoms of your disorder - symptoms that you try to manage but that are never going to go away - that's going to eventually irritate people. "She always says she's sorry for running late," they think, "but she's always late the next time, so she obviously doesn't mean it. She must just not think that I'm important enough to bother." But if you're anything like me, you ARE sorry that they have been inconvenienced by your symptoms. (you're even sorrier that YOU are inconvenienced by them, but that's another matter.) But instead of tripping over yourself to apologize, express appreciation to them for their patience, or for reminding you about plans or assignments, or whatever it is that they are doing. "I know I have a lot of questions. Thank you for explaining so patiently." "Scheduling this has been tough. Thank you for working with me to find a good time." "I appreciate your flexibility." This way you're making them feel heard and appreciated, and you are subtly reinforcing that they SHOULD be patient and flexible, that they are a patient and understanding person, which will make them more likely to behave that way in the future because you're reinforcing it.
Re the ADHD coping strategies part:
I also have ADHD and taking profuse notes all the time is absolutely vital to me in a professional setting. You don't say whether you are using notes and asking repeated questions to either clarify or make sure you can capture everything, or if you are trying to rely on repeated verbal questioning. If the latter, you're going to struggle a lot, because ADHD brains are the WORST for taking in information that way.
In the interests of sharing what works for me, both for you and for anyone else who is looking for help on this question, here are some tips for helping out with the note-taking portion (AKA My Guide To Fooling Everyone Into Thinking That You Are Super Organized And On Top of Things When You Have ADHD) (seriously, this works, I get GLOWING reviews for project management and organization using this system.)
1) Get a notebook or planner. Carry it with you everywhere that you will be talking about work. This notebook is your lifeline. Looking into a modified bullet journal or bujo approach might be helpful, or any of the many different planner layouts. Bullet Journal (the original kind, not the Pinterest kind where you spend so much time decorating it you never use it) was invented by someone with ADHD and I really like the way it can flex to work with my stream-of-consciousness, jumping-all-around brain.
2) If you have a handout, written instructions, meeting notes, or any similar materials in a meeting? take notes on the handout. Annotate the handout. If you have a question about something on the handout, ask in the meeting and write the answer down right next to the place you had the question. At the end of the meeting, fold the handout in half and stick it in your notebook. You will process it later.
3) When you go into a meeting, always have a pen. If possible, have two pens in two different colors, or a pen and a highlighter. This is in addition to your notebook. If you can, have a notebook with a pen loop (either built in or stick-on) so the pen lives with the notebook and you won't lose it. If you have to, buy one of those pens on a chain like at the bank and chain it to the notebook.
4) When I say "meeting" I mean everything from a full out formal training to a small conversation where you are asking a colleague a question about something in the job.
5) When you are in a meeting, at the beginning, find an open section in your notebook. At the top of the notebook write the date and a description of your meeting. "Team meeting, 2/23/18" or "Convo with Sally about Travel Request Process" or something like that. If you can, jot down who is in the meeting.
6) Consider obtaining small, silent, subtle fidgets to use in meetings. I find that this can really help me focus. The "bike chain" or "flippy chain" style is great for this - doesn't make noise and you can hide it totally in your hand while you use it and it easily slips into a pocket when you're done.
7) If you have time before the meeting, consider taking your contrasting color pen and writing the question you need to get answered or the top thing you need to take away from the meeting. ("Do I submit my travel request before or after my training request?" "When does the issue get escalated?" "What do I do if a customer won't stop chatting?" "What are my top priorities this week?")
8) During the meeting, listen for ACTION ITEMS that are ASSIGNED TO YOU. Write these down in your notebook. Put a star by them in your contrasting color pen or highlight them. If there is no due date given, ask for one. Write it down.
9) the other thing you should listen for is important information that applies to everyone and/or answers your big question (the thing you wrote at the top in #7). Write that down in your own words. If you aren't sure if your interpretation is correct, ask. "Just to make sure I'm understanding, you're saying that going forward, instead of coding renewals as customer support, we're coding them as sales, right? What if they renew and have a support question in the same conversation?"
10) If the meeting or the portion of the meeting you are most interested in seems to be winding down and your Big Question hasn't been answered yet, ask something like "I had some questions about XYZ. Is this a good time to go over that, or should I schedule a different time to discuss it?" If they say to schedule a different time, write down an action item for yourself: "Schedule 30 minutes with Sue to discuss the teapot procurement process at the end of a fiscal year."
11) Toward the end of the meeting, when there are about 5 minutes left and you're starting to wrap up, say something like, "Just to recap and make sure I've got everything, I am responsible to do item A by Friday, item B by the 24th, and item C before March 12." This is to verify your action items.
12) Toward the end of your day, go through your notebook and process it.
a) take all your action items and copy them onto your master to-do or task list.
b) take the notes you took on handouts and either copy them into your reference materials or put the handout somewhere you can find it again. I use a wire bin. When I need something I dig through the stuff and find it, then put it back on the top. When the bin is full I throw away the bottom half because I haven't needed it.
c) Any Big Question answers or similar info that you will need again, re-copy somewhere. It could be nice to have special pages in your notebook, maybe one for each project or type of process, or maybe you have digital notes: whatever works for you.
d) you may also want to make a list of "tickler" items - this is for when you hear things like "we should discuss the teapot spout issue at our next project planning meeting." You would have a list somewhere called "project planning meeting topics" and you'd open it up or turn to it in your notebook and write down "discuss teapot spout issue." Then when in two weeks someone says "anyone have agenda items for the project planning meeting?" you can reply and say "we need to discuss the teapot spouts".
e) if this sounds like a lot of re-copying things, that's on purpose. Writing it down helps you remember.
f) If any of your to-dos are really short, like sending a document out in email, do it right then and then check it off your task list.
g) At least once a day, look at your task list and use it to guide your work for the day.
If you follow these steps, people will think that you are super organized and have everything together. You are basically making your notebook be a prosthetic for the parts of your ADHD brain that don't work as well as you wish they did. The notebook IS your short-term memory now. This system will get people to see you as someone who follows through, who is careful and conscientious, who is organized and well prepared - EVEN WHEN YOUR BRAIN IS FULL OF SQUIRRELS. Your brain CAN be full of squirrels (mine sure is) because your NOTEBOOK is doing the heavy lifting of memory. It's not a cure-all because you still have to remember your notebook, manage to not lose it, remember to check it, etc - but it's easier to encode into long term memory "whenever I hear something important, I write it in my notebook" than it is to remember a bunch of one-off things.
And to wrap up this super long comment, here are a few useful phrases to practice and remember:
"I didn't catch that, could you say it again?" (possibly cupping your ear and leaning forward) - I have some sensory processing issues with my ADHD that mean sometimes I lose part of a sentence and this can help. Also, if you only missed a few words, you can repeat the part you did hear: "I didn't quite catch that - you said twenty-five, or thirty-five?"
"Just to make sure we're on the same page... [repeat back the thing in your own words, the way you understand it]"
"Hang on, I need to write this down - could you repeat that last part, please?"
GOOD LUCK! Sending you positive thoughts from across the Internet.
posted by oblique red at 1:34 PM on January 30, 2018 [18 favorites]
For the jerk issue: People with ADHD tend to have very intense emotions, and we can also experience something called rejection-sensitive dysphoria where we are extremely affected by perceived rejection. If this is something you struggle with, it might be helpful to look up resources specifically tailored to helping ADHD people manage intense emotion and/or RSD.
I bring this up because you mention that your co-worker is polite to you but you hear him snickering over your questions - I assume from your phrasing that you OVERhear him. Someone being polite to you and then laughing a little to themselves after is a different level of rude from being polite to you and then laughing at you to other people, or just straight up mocking you to your face. Especially if you don't hear everything, it could be possible he isn't laughing at you at all - he might be laughing ruefully because he just yesterday told someone that the training materials weren't clear and you proved his point, or he might be laughing because he's trained 13 new people in two years and they all ask the same things, or he might have gotten a funny text, or any number of things that aren't necessarily "this co-worker thinks I, personally, am The Worst." It may not be as personal as your brain thinks it is.
And even if it is: I wouldn't suggest asking to change shifts for something like this unless the other person is actually mocking you to others. Quiet laughing to himself, if that is what is happening, is going to seem minor to most managers and you don't want to start out by making people think of you as "high-maintenance" or "not a team player" or "prickly" or anything like that.
My advice is to take his politeness at face value, ignore what you overhear if it's just him by himself, and if he tries to get digs in, just act as though you assume good intentions. "Yes, I do have to ask a lot of questions while I'm learning. I want to get things right! Thanks for being patient with me. I look forward to the day when I know this as well as you do."
Also a GREAT piece of advice I got from How To ADHD: don't say "sorry." Say "thank you." Apologies are useless at best and annoying at worst when they aren't followed by behavior change, so if you are apologizing for the symptoms of your disorder - symptoms that you try to manage but that are never going to go away - that's going to eventually irritate people. "She always says she's sorry for running late," they think, "but she's always late the next time, so she obviously doesn't mean it. She must just not think that I'm important enough to bother." But if you're anything like me, you ARE sorry that they have been inconvenienced by your symptoms. (you're even sorrier that YOU are inconvenienced by them, but that's another matter.) But instead of tripping over yourself to apologize, express appreciation to them for their patience, or for reminding you about plans or assignments, or whatever it is that they are doing. "I know I have a lot of questions. Thank you for explaining so patiently." "Scheduling this has been tough. Thank you for working with me to find a good time." "I appreciate your flexibility." This way you're making them feel heard and appreciated, and you are subtly reinforcing that they SHOULD be patient and flexible, that they are a patient and understanding person, which will make them more likely to behave that way in the future because you're reinforcing it.
Re the ADHD coping strategies part:
I also have ADHD and taking profuse notes all the time is absolutely vital to me in a professional setting. You don't say whether you are using notes and asking repeated questions to either clarify or make sure you can capture everything, or if you are trying to rely on repeated verbal questioning. If the latter, you're going to struggle a lot, because ADHD brains are the WORST for taking in information that way.
In the interests of sharing what works for me, both for you and for anyone else who is looking for help on this question, here are some tips for helping out with the note-taking portion (AKA My Guide To Fooling Everyone Into Thinking That You Are Super Organized And On Top of Things When You Have ADHD) (seriously, this works, I get GLOWING reviews for project management and organization using this system.)
1) Get a notebook or planner. Carry it with you everywhere that you will be talking about work. This notebook is your lifeline. Looking into a modified bullet journal or bujo approach might be helpful, or any of the many different planner layouts. Bullet Journal (the original kind, not the Pinterest kind where you spend so much time decorating it you never use it) was invented by someone with ADHD and I really like the way it can flex to work with my stream-of-consciousness, jumping-all-around brain.
2) If you have a handout, written instructions, meeting notes, or any similar materials in a meeting? take notes on the handout. Annotate the handout. If you have a question about something on the handout, ask in the meeting and write the answer down right next to the place you had the question. At the end of the meeting, fold the handout in half and stick it in your notebook. You will process it later.
3) When you go into a meeting, always have a pen. If possible, have two pens in two different colors, or a pen and a highlighter. This is in addition to your notebook. If you can, have a notebook with a pen loop (either built in or stick-on) so the pen lives with the notebook and you won't lose it. If you have to, buy one of those pens on a chain like at the bank and chain it to the notebook.
4) When I say "meeting" I mean everything from a full out formal training to a small conversation where you are asking a colleague a question about something in the job.
5) When you are in a meeting, at the beginning, find an open section in your notebook. At the top of the notebook write the date and a description of your meeting. "Team meeting, 2/23/18" or "Convo with Sally about Travel Request Process" or something like that. If you can, jot down who is in the meeting.
6) Consider obtaining small, silent, subtle fidgets to use in meetings. I find that this can really help me focus. The "bike chain" or "flippy chain" style is great for this - doesn't make noise and you can hide it totally in your hand while you use it and it easily slips into a pocket when you're done.
7) If you have time before the meeting, consider taking your contrasting color pen and writing the question you need to get answered or the top thing you need to take away from the meeting. ("Do I submit my travel request before or after my training request?" "When does the issue get escalated?" "What do I do if a customer won't stop chatting?" "What are my top priorities this week?")
8) During the meeting, listen for ACTION ITEMS that are ASSIGNED TO YOU. Write these down in your notebook. Put a star by them in your contrasting color pen or highlight them. If there is no due date given, ask for one. Write it down.
9) the other thing you should listen for is important information that applies to everyone and/or answers your big question (the thing you wrote at the top in #7). Write that down in your own words. If you aren't sure if your interpretation is correct, ask. "Just to make sure I'm understanding, you're saying that going forward, instead of coding renewals as customer support, we're coding them as sales, right? What if they renew and have a support question in the same conversation?"
10) If the meeting or the portion of the meeting you are most interested in seems to be winding down and your Big Question hasn't been answered yet, ask something like "I had some questions about XYZ. Is this a good time to go over that, or should I schedule a different time to discuss it?" If they say to schedule a different time, write down an action item for yourself: "Schedule 30 minutes with Sue to discuss the teapot procurement process at the end of a fiscal year."
11) Toward the end of the meeting, when there are about 5 minutes left and you're starting to wrap up, say something like, "Just to recap and make sure I've got everything, I am responsible to do item A by Friday, item B by the 24th, and item C before March 12." This is to verify your action items.
12) Toward the end of your day, go through your notebook and process it.
a) take all your action items and copy them onto your master to-do or task list.
b) take the notes you took on handouts and either copy them into your reference materials or put the handout somewhere you can find it again. I use a wire bin. When I need something I dig through the stuff and find it, then put it back on the top. When the bin is full I throw away the bottom half because I haven't needed it.
c) Any Big Question answers or similar info that you will need again, re-copy somewhere. It could be nice to have special pages in your notebook, maybe one for each project or type of process, or maybe you have digital notes: whatever works for you.
d) you may also want to make a list of "tickler" items - this is for when you hear things like "we should discuss the teapot spout issue at our next project planning meeting." You would have a list somewhere called "project planning meeting topics" and you'd open it up or turn to it in your notebook and write down "discuss teapot spout issue." Then when in two weeks someone says "anyone have agenda items for the project planning meeting?" you can reply and say "we need to discuss the teapot spouts".
e) if this sounds like a lot of re-copying things, that's on purpose. Writing it down helps you remember.
f) If any of your to-dos are really short, like sending a document out in email, do it right then and then check it off your task list.
g) At least once a day, look at your task list and use it to guide your work for the day.
If you follow these steps, people will think that you are super organized and have everything together. You are basically making your notebook be a prosthetic for the parts of your ADHD brain that don't work as well as you wish they did. The notebook IS your short-term memory now. This system will get people to see you as someone who follows through, who is careful and conscientious, who is organized and well prepared - EVEN WHEN YOUR BRAIN IS FULL OF SQUIRRELS. Your brain CAN be full of squirrels (mine sure is) because your NOTEBOOK is doing the heavy lifting of memory. It's not a cure-all because you still have to remember your notebook, manage to not lose it, remember to check it, etc - but it's easier to encode into long term memory "whenever I hear something important, I write it in my notebook" than it is to remember a bunch of one-off things.
And to wrap up this super long comment, here are a few useful phrases to practice and remember:
"I didn't catch that, could you say it again?" (possibly cupping your ear and leaning forward) - I have some sensory processing issues with my ADHD that mean sometimes I lose part of a sentence and this can help. Also, if you only missed a few words, you can repeat the part you did hear: "I didn't quite catch that - you said twenty-five, or thirty-five?"
"Just to make sure we're on the same page... [repeat back the thing in your own words, the way you understand it]"
"Hang on, I need to write this down - could you repeat that last part, please?"
GOOD LUCK! Sending you positive thoughts from across the Internet.
posted by oblique red at 1:34 PM on January 30, 2018 [18 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by bleep at 4:11 PM on January 29, 2018 [17 favorites]