My boyfriend is immature but showing signs of improvement, should I stay
January 29, 2018 11:26 AM Subscribe
I am 25, he is 24. I have asked other questions about him before...
We have been dating for about 8 months now... Our background is that we used to date when we were teenagers, broke up, then he contacted me last spring after not talking for 9 years to catch up, because he was moving back to our hometown where I was and said he missed me.
My personal story is that after high school I stayed home with my dad and stepmom, got a general transfer degree on a scholarship, couldn’t decide what to do for a bachelors and didn’t want to go into debt, so got a corporate office job. Last April I moved into my first apartment by myself and have been living by myself since then. Just signed another year lease. I also started back up my education and am taking online classes towards a business degree. My life is coming together slowly. I have a pet cat and a nice apartment.
His story is that he went away to university at 18, his parents are both wealthy pharmacists and paid for his school, he changed his mind on a major many times for a few years and got kicked out due to bad grades. He became depressed and decided to move back to his parents and go to community college for a culinary degree, though he never cooked much, but just felt that after all time time in school he needed to have something to show for it. They are paying for this too. He is currently living with them.
So anyways, I know that I am so bad with relationships and terrible at leaving them. My issue is that I am unsure how I really feel, doubt myself, and just seem unable to speak my truth. I feel I may be too judgemental. But anyways, about our relationship issues:
-Money: When we started going out, he was terrible with money. He had debt collectors calling him, would buy things he didn’t need when he had bills to pay, etc. He has gotten better after I’ve talked to him about his irresponsibility and how his ruined credit will affect him. He’s almost done paying off his debt now, which was for a pocket watch, his credit card, and him owing his old roommate, after 5 months of living with his parents and working part time and going to school. This is good, but I wish I didn’t have to coach him on this. I’d respect someone who had their stuff together and is self motivated, but it is great that he’s trying and improving.
- Personality: He is a sweet guy, he is cute and charming and fun loving. But honestly I don’t think he’s the smartest in certain ways or mature, I don’t feel that I can have deep conversations with him really, he mostly cares about entertainment topics that I don’t have much of an interest in, like movies and actors and music. I’m more practical, but it is nice that he introduces me to things. He doesn’t keep up with current events or anything. I listen to npr podcast daily. He is people smart and I’m a bit awkward, so we do balance a bit.
- Style: I am more conservative and traditional as I get older. I have a hipster side but am trying to build a more adult wardrobe and decorate my home like a sensible adult as my income allows. He wears a lot of black, has his ears pierced and a tattoo, and dyes his hair a lot. It is currently dark blue. He wears sweats and muscle shirts. I mean he is cute and endearing and I hate to sound superficial but I kind of want someone whom dresses like me, more plain and nice. It sounds really superficial, I’m sorry. I think he looks great with undyed hair, and wish he would take his earrings out. His room is full of tapestries, colored lights and action figures and masks... I mean he makes a cool environment but I feel I would respect a man whom was more my definition of mature. He also buys me jewelry with glow in the dark pendants, hippie like stuff when I really want a simple nice necklace I can wear to work.
- Cleanliness: He is really messy, and his parents are the same. Their house is full of stuff. His room and car are always a giant mess filled with random stuff and trash. I am a super clean freak, and can’t stand a messy home. I feel I would like someone to balance me out and not be so neat, but I feel I might have to constantly clean up after him.
- Job: I am trying to build a career in business with a Monday through Friday schedule. He wants to be a restaurant manager. Opposite schedules more than likely. He’s hardly attended family events with me this year due to him working every weekend.
- Family: His family is well meaning and sweet but also a bit different. They embrace hippie culture and seem to all have a thing with being different from the crowd. They let their young kids play games and watch movies that are totally inappropriate in my opinion. Not to judge, it’s just that I want kids someday and I feel we’d want to parent differently...
Are we too different? I adore him in some ways. The sex life is amazing and I think he’s a good person. But I really need to make a decision now. It’s been enough time I think.
We have been dating for about 8 months now... Our background is that we used to date when we were teenagers, broke up, then he contacted me last spring after not talking for 9 years to catch up, because he was moving back to our hometown where I was and said he missed me.
My personal story is that after high school I stayed home with my dad and stepmom, got a general transfer degree on a scholarship, couldn’t decide what to do for a bachelors and didn’t want to go into debt, so got a corporate office job. Last April I moved into my first apartment by myself and have been living by myself since then. Just signed another year lease. I also started back up my education and am taking online classes towards a business degree. My life is coming together slowly. I have a pet cat and a nice apartment.
His story is that he went away to university at 18, his parents are both wealthy pharmacists and paid for his school, he changed his mind on a major many times for a few years and got kicked out due to bad grades. He became depressed and decided to move back to his parents and go to community college for a culinary degree, though he never cooked much, but just felt that after all time time in school he needed to have something to show for it. They are paying for this too. He is currently living with them.
So anyways, I know that I am so bad with relationships and terrible at leaving them. My issue is that I am unsure how I really feel, doubt myself, and just seem unable to speak my truth. I feel I may be too judgemental. But anyways, about our relationship issues:
-Money: When we started going out, he was terrible with money. He had debt collectors calling him, would buy things he didn’t need when he had bills to pay, etc. He has gotten better after I’ve talked to him about his irresponsibility and how his ruined credit will affect him. He’s almost done paying off his debt now, which was for a pocket watch, his credit card, and him owing his old roommate, after 5 months of living with his parents and working part time and going to school. This is good, but I wish I didn’t have to coach him on this. I’d respect someone who had their stuff together and is self motivated, but it is great that he’s trying and improving.
- Personality: He is a sweet guy, he is cute and charming and fun loving. But honestly I don’t think he’s the smartest in certain ways or mature, I don’t feel that I can have deep conversations with him really, he mostly cares about entertainment topics that I don’t have much of an interest in, like movies and actors and music. I’m more practical, but it is nice that he introduces me to things. He doesn’t keep up with current events or anything. I listen to npr podcast daily. He is people smart and I’m a bit awkward, so we do balance a bit.
- Style: I am more conservative and traditional as I get older. I have a hipster side but am trying to build a more adult wardrobe and decorate my home like a sensible adult as my income allows. He wears a lot of black, has his ears pierced and a tattoo, and dyes his hair a lot. It is currently dark blue. He wears sweats and muscle shirts. I mean he is cute and endearing and I hate to sound superficial but I kind of want someone whom dresses like me, more plain and nice. It sounds really superficial, I’m sorry. I think he looks great with undyed hair, and wish he would take his earrings out. His room is full of tapestries, colored lights and action figures and masks... I mean he makes a cool environment but I feel I would respect a man whom was more my definition of mature. He also buys me jewelry with glow in the dark pendants, hippie like stuff when I really want a simple nice necklace I can wear to work.
- Cleanliness: He is really messy, and his parents are the same. Their house is full of stuff. His room and car are always a giant mess filled with random stuff and trash. I am a super clean freak, and can’t stand a messy home. I feel I would like someone to balance me out and not be so neat, but I feel I might have to constantly clean up after him.
- Job: I am trying to build a career in business with a Monday through Friday schedule. He wants to be a restaurant manager. Opposite schedules more than likely. He’s hardly attended family events with me this year due to him working every weekend.
- Family: His family is well meaning and sweet but also a bit different. They embrace hippie culture and seem to all have a thing with being different from the crowd. They let their young kids play games and watch movies that are totally inappropriate in my opinion. Not to judge, it’s just that I want kids someday and I feel we’d want to parent differently...
Are we too different? I adore him in some ways. The sex life is amazing and I think he’s a good person. But I really need to make a decision now. It’s been enough time I think.
You should break up! You're at really different life stages, you've pretty much clarified your values and they don't match the ones he has right now and it seems silly to wait, also it seems like he has some underlying values in re fashion and interests that are unlikely ever to match yours. He doesn't need to be an awful monster for you to break up with him - it's okay to break up with someone because they're a combination of not mature enough and not a good enough fit for you.
Many perfectly fine people spend their early-mid-twenties getting themselves figured out. Many reliable, solid people who take care of their finances and living situations have piercings and collect toys. You're not making a judgment on all those people - you're just dating someone who is not a good fit for you.
posted by Frowner at 11:32 AM on January 29, 2018 [12 favorites]
Many perfectly fine people spend their early-mid-twenties getting themselves figured out. Many reliable, solid people who take care of their finances and living situations have piercings and collect toys. You're not making a judgment on all those people - you're just dating someone who is not a good fit for you.
posted by Frowner at 11:32 AM on January 29, 2018 [12 favorites]
It sounds like you are two very different people (not good or bad, just different) which is not inherently bad for a relationship, but you are striving for two very different paths in life, which look like they will generate conflict. It is OK to end this relationship over that.
posted by Fig at 11:36 AM on January 29, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by Fig at 11:36 AM on January 29, 2018 [5 favorites]
But I really need to make a decision now.
Can I ask why? You are only 25 and you should do what you want on your own timeline. I get that you may be thinking about marriage and having a family and you don't want to waste your time, but you didn't actually mention that as the motivating factor. Can you just keep having the "amazing" sex and enjoying the companionship for now?
Look, I think in the long run this is probably not the guy you're going to marry. It sounds more "good enough" than what you truly want out of a partner. Just the fact that you wrote this question makes me think you already know the answer. But you should do what you feel in your gut.
posted by AppleTurnover at 11:38 AM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
Can I ask why? You are only 25 and you should do what you want on your own timeline. I get that you may be thinking about marriage and having a family and you don't want to waste your time, but you didn't actually mention that as the motivating factor. Can you just keep having the "amazing" sex and enjoying the companionship for now?
Look, I think in the long run this is probably not the guy you're going to marry. It sounds more "good enough" than what you truly want out of a partner. Just the fact that you wrote this question makes me think you already know the answer. But you should do what you feel in your gut.
posted by AppleTurnover at 11:38 AM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Break up and move on. A great sex life isn't enough to carry you through all the fundamental differences you have with this guy. And wasting years with a guy who's sorta right but not really is a very typical way many women find themselves older, wanting marriage, wanting a child, not having a great partner and feeling like they got on the wrong path somewhere years ago. You're doing yourself a major service by having these realizations now. Move on.
posted by BlahLaLa at 11:46 AM on January 29, 2018 [8 favorites]
posted by BlahLaLa at 11:46 AM on January 29, 2018 [8 favorites]
I just want to say that the mid-20s are a time of transition and can be a difficult time. Rich, wimpy parents often make this worse.
You can enjoy yourself, keep your eyes open, and model the behavior you want in the relationship, and then move on. Maybe give yourself a time limit. One thing: if he's indeed having trouble growing up, honor your history by addressing it either along the way or in the breakup.
posted by rhizome at 11:49 AM on January 29, 2018
You can enjoy yourself, keep your eyes open, and model the behavior you want in the relationship, and then move on. Maybe give yourself a time limit. One thing: if he's indeed having trouble growing up, honor your history by addressing it either along the way or in the breakup.
posted by rhizome at 11:49 AM on January 29, 2018
This is not going to work out. You can keep it going for a while if the sex is that good, but in the long run you're going to have to find somebody else, so you might want to cut your losses and bite the bullet now.
posted by languagehat at 12:30 PM on January 29, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by languagehat at 12:30 PM on January 29, 2018 [4 favorites]
Best answer: It's just a bad fit. Break up now. Or be one of those people writing a really really sad AskMe in 10 years about wasting their 20's with someone they've come to hate in every way.
posted by French Fry at 12:33 PM on January 29, 2018 [9 favorites]
posted by French Fry at 12:33 PM on January 29, 2018 [9 favorites]
Sounds like a bad match and you don't respect him. First one's reason enough but the second is just cruel. Break up.
posted by fritillary at 12:40 PM on January 29, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by fritillary at 12:40 PM on January 29, 2018 [7 favorites]
Best answer: So, ok:
what you like about him:
-good at fucking
-not an actual human monster
What you dislike about him:
-Every single other thing
Look I know it definitely seems, when you look at the media and internet etc., like almost all straight men actually are human monsters and/or are terrible at fucking. And ... this is actually largely true. Hetero women are in a pretty lamentable bind right now re: partners, and it is garbage.
BUT.
I promise it is easier to teach an otherwise compatible partner to be better at fucking than it is to teach someone who's good at fucking to be different in literally every other part of life. Drop this dude before you hate him. You are like a month away from hating him.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:44 PM on January 29, 2018 [80 favorites]
what you like about him:
-good at fucking
-not an actual human monster
What you dislike about him:
-Every single other thing
Look I know it definitely seems, when you look at the media and internet etc., like almost all straight men actually are human monsters and/or are terrible at fucking. And ... this is actually largely true. Hetero women are in a pretty lamentable bind right now re: partners, and it is garbage.
BUT.
I promise it is easier to teach an otherwise compatible partner to be better at fucking than it is to teach someone who's good at fucking to be different in literally every other part of life. Drop this dude before you hate him. You are like a month away from hating him.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:44 PM on January 29, 2018 [80 favorites]
From Frowner: "Many reliable, solid people who take care of their finances and living situations have piercings and collect toys." Hi, yes, this is me, I have a toy collection and a bunch of piercings and some tattoos and purple & blue hair and I generally dress like a 12 year old boy. I am also a successful investor at the end of my 20s and spend within my means in order to not have any credit card debt, etc. I would not stay in the relationship if I were in your shoes, based on the information in the post.
You are not a good fit for this guy because his priorities/values & taste are different from your own. It's not that important *why* they are different (ie, he can afford to not prioritize financial responsibility because his rich family bails him out, or he takes his style cues from their family style), just recognize that they are different and move on. You will be so much happier when you're dating someone whose priorities/values are similar to your own. And there's no point in seriously committing to someone without that in common...you shouldn't start a family with someone whose values don't match yours, no matter how good the sex is.
posted by zdravo at 12:46 PM on January 29, 2018 [7 favorites]
You are not a good fit for this guy because his priorities/values & taste are different from your own. It's not that important *why* they are different (ie, he can afford to not prioritize financial responsibility because his rich family bails him out, or he takes his style cues from their family style), just recognize that they are different and move on. You will be so much happier when you're dating someone whose priorities/values are similar to your own. And there's no point in seriously committing to someone without that in common...you shouldn't start a family with someone whose values don't match yours, no matter how good the sex is.
posted by zdravo at 12:46 PM on January 29, 2018 [7 favorites]
This sounds like the absolute perfect fuckbuddy (double up on birth control methods) while you find a guy more suited to you.
posted by I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today! at 12:58 PM on January 29, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today! at 12:58 PM on January 29, 2018 [5 favorites]
Being saddled with a romantic partner you don't respect is a recipe for disaster.
The world is large and full of people you genuinely find interesting and with whom you share a significant part of a world view. Some of them will also be fantastic sexual partners. (Some of them won't. And you'll have to decide how much that matters.)
Nostalgia and obligation are mind poison. They'll ruin your life if you let them.
posted by eotvos at 1:27 PM on January 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
The world is large and full of people you genuinely find interesting and with whom you share a significant part of a world view. Some of them will also be fantastic sexual partners. (Some of them won't. And you'll have to decide how much that matters.)
Nostalgia and obligation are mind poison. They'll ruin your life if you let them.
posted by eotvos at 1:27 PM on January 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
Break up with him. You don’t seem to respect him or like him, and this early on, it should still feel exciting and fun most of the time.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 1:36 PM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by schroedingersgirl at 1:36 PM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Sounds like you want an adult (or at least someone on the way to being an adult)
What are the odds he will grow into an adult you respect as well as like, without you dragging him by the hand constantly?
Can you respect him and the relationship if you have to keep dragging... Or at least mothering him.. A few years?
posted by Jacen at 1:40 PM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
What are the odds he will grow into an adult you respect as well as like, without you dragging him by the hand constantly?
Can you respect him and the relationship if you have to keep dragging... Or at least mothering him.. A few years?
posted by Jacen at 1:40 PM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
This sounds like the absolute perfect fuckbuddy (double up on birth control methods) while you find a guy more suited to you.
It’s one thing to have a fuckbuddy (assuming both parties are fully aware that they are FWBs and not partners) and another to use another human being to avoid being lonely until Mr. Right comes along.
Cut him loose and buy a vibrator.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 1:41 PM on January 29, 2018 [6 favorites]
It’s one thing to have a fuckbuddy (assuming both parties are fully aware that they are FWBs and not partners) and another to use another human being to avoid being lonely until Mr. Right comes along.
Cut him loose and buy a vibrator.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 1:41 PM on January 29, 2018 [6 favorites]
A fuckbuddy (of course be up front about it) is hanging out for sex and taco bell until situations change. That's pretty much the definition. It's not using a human.
posted by I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today! at 1:42 PM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today! at 1:42 PM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
Best answer: You can do so much better than this guy.
posted by seasparrow at 1:47 PM on January 29, 2018
posted by seasparrow at 1:47 PM on January 29, 2018
If you're not into life with a hippie, then you're not. I can think of some folks you could pass him off to that would like it. If you want a normal straight conventional guy, then...they're easier to find.
Normally I am first on the bandwagon to be all "don't date a money disaster dude," but I do think it says well of him that he has been cleaning up his act, though. That is RARE, let me tell you.
Other than having rich parents paying for him and that he lives with them, he doesn't sound that bad off at this point...but again, if you want a more conventional dude, this isn't the guy.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:55 PM on January 29, 2018
Normally I am first on the bandwagon to be all "don't date a money disaster dude," but I do think it says well of him that he has been cleaning up his act, though. That is RARE, let me tell you.
Other than having rich parents paying for him and that he lives with them, he doesn't sound that bad off at this point...but again, if you want a more conventional dude, this isn't the guy.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:55 PM on January 29, 2018
Best answer: He sounds like the perfect guy for you. All he needs to change is his clothes, his physical appearance, his job, his living space, his family, and his interests.
Now that I say it out loud, it actually kind of sounds like the two of you are a terrible match and you will either drive yourself crazy trying to ignore all of the myriad ways in which you aren't into him or you will drive him crazy trying to make him into someone that better suits your tastes.
There are so many different categories in which you find this dude unsuitable and deficient that you could grab any random person off the street and have a good chance that they would check more of your boxes than he does. Nothing that you wrote above suggests that he has done anything wrong, but that is not at all the same as the two of you being right for each other.
Find someone that you like, and give him the space to find someone who likes him.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 2:07 PM on January 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
Now that I say it out loud, it actually kind of sounds like the two of you are a terrible match and you will either drive yourself crazy trying to ignore all of the myriad ways in which you aren't into him or you will drive him crazy trying to make him into someone that better suits your tastes.
There are so many different categories in which you find this dude unsuitable and deficient that you could grab any random person off the street and have a good chance that they would check more of your boxes than he does. Nothing that you wrote above suggests that he has done anything wrong, but that is not at all the same as the two of you being right for each other.
Find someone that you like, and give him the space to find someone who likes him.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 2:07 PM on January 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
There doesn't need to be anything wrong with him to mean you shouldn't be in a relationship with him. If you've sat down and figured out what you want, how you want your life to be, and who you want to be with, then you should partner up with something who jibes with that. It really sounds to me like you just like him well enough and get on well enough that it doesn't seem bad enough to split up. But things don't need to be bad--if it's not what you want, it's not what you want.
Also, I find that sometimes when it feels like we're being too judgmental, what's really happening is that you actually take issue with the person on a general level--maybe your values or lifestyles don't align or whatever--and then every little thing that is a reflection of that piles on like a big flashing sign. Like if he gives you a glow in the dark pendant it really sticks out and maybe irks you, but if you were with someone who was a better fit for you who you absolutely adored gave you a necklace you didn't want then you might not even think anything of it.
posted by Polychrome at 2:13 PM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
Also, I find that sometimes when it feels like we're being too judgmental, what's really happening is that you actually take issue with the person on a general level--maybe your values or lifestyles don't align or whatever--and then every little thing that is a reflection of that piles on like a big flashing sign. Like if he gives you a glow in the dark pendant it really sticks out and maybe irks you, but if you were with someone who was a better fit for you who you absolutely adored gave you a necklace you didn't want then you might not even think anything of it.
posted by Polychrome at 2:13 PM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
I remember you! (and this guy!) - The advice still stands; it's great he's paid his debt down, kinda. But I do't think he's ever gonna be a position to give you the kind of stability/lifestyle/cleanliness etc that you want.
This is a values clash, and no one's at fault, but staying around is gonna be bad for you both, and build up tonnes of resentment over time - and you'll end up breaking up anyway I'm pretty darned confident.
Your desires in a relationship are valid - and honestly they aren't even that unusual - you can find someone who is closer to meeting them.
Best of luck,
posted by smoke at 2:28 PM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
This is a values clash, and no one's at fault, but staying around is gonna be bad for you both, and build up tonnes of resentment over time - and you'll end up breaking up anyway I'm pretty darned confident.
Your desires in a relationship are valid - and honestly they aren't even that unusual - you can find someone who is closer to meeting them.
Best of luck,
posted by smoke at 2:28 PM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
Don't date someone for their potential of one day becoming the person you want; date them for who they are now. And you're struggling to find anything at all that you like about who they are now, which means both of you deserve to move on and find someone who loves you for who you are. Do it with kindness, but leave him.
posted by Jubey at 3:11 PM on January 29, 2018
posted by Jubey at 3:11 PM on January 29, 2018
Best answer: Sexual passion fades pretty quickly when you stop being a partner and start having to act like a mom to an immature man. This guy isn't grown up enough for partner material. Perhaps after a discussion you can just do sex,but you if that's not your style, then break up. Don't date people you hope will change.
posted by Crystalinne at 4:13 PM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Crystalinne at 4:13 PM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I mean having an unconventional outlook is okay, I can respect that if you have reasoning for how’ve you live your life, and it relates to your goals. But he doesn’t have any goals or dreams. And he’s never examined himself or his life. He told me he doesn’t have values when I asked (he probably just didn’t know what I meant I guess and never thought about it?). I’ve always tried to operate in my life from my core values. I had a shitty upbringing and parented myself, and my values have always been innate and strong. He doesn’t have self awareness like I do, nor does he care to.
He’s also said things like, he hates how successful his parents are because it gives him a lot to live up to, and why couldn’t they be more average. This made me so mad, because my family is so dysfunctional and toxic and I only dream of having a semi normal family. I dream of creating one one day. He’s said that he hates responsibility and wishes he was a child again. I just can’t. I really need to end it... I can’t stay with him while I feel like this. It’s not right to him either.
posted by anon1129 at 4:38 PM on January 29, 2018 [4 favorites]
He’s also said things like, he hates how successful his parents are because it gives him a lot to live up to, and why couldn’t they be more average. This made me so mad, because my family is so dysfunctional and toxic and I only dream of having a semi normal family. I dream of creating one one day. He’s said that he hates responsibility and wishes he was a child again. I just can’t. I really need to end it... I can’t stay with him while I feel like this. It’s not right to him either.
posted by anon1129 at 4:38 PM on January 29, 2018 [4 favorites]
> He’s said that he hates responsibility and wishes he was a child again. I just can’t. I really need to end it... I can’t stay with him while I feel like this.
There's your answer. I think you knew it when you posted in the first place but the cultured internet that is MeFi is happy to confirm. You will both be in a better place if you do this.
posted by giraffeneckbattle at 4:57 PM on January 29, 2018 [4 favorites]
There's your answer. I think you knew it when you posted in the first place but the cultured internet that is MeFi is happy to confirm. You will both be in a better place if you do this.
posted by giraffeneckbattle at 4:57 PM on January 29, 2018 [4 favorites]
I think it would be hard to maintain a relationship with someone who doesn't have any insight about their values or want responsibility. It doesn't seem like he could make a fair contribution to a relationship. Breaking up with him makes sense.
posted by Eevee at 7:08 PM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Eevee at 7:08 PM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
Best answer: First, you sound really awesome. Congratulations on all you have accomplished, for becoming such an independent adult and succeeding in your career without having first gone the college route. You are truly a role model in many ways! Your boyfriend clearly sees this in you: he loves you for you and also is inspired by your success and ambition and focus. However, as you said, he has a lot of growing up to do and it's not your job to coach or parent him. (Been there, done that, no thanks!)
He sounds like a fine human who is just taking longer to find his way; as others have said, you guys have some different values and interests right now. It doesn't sound like a good fit and it seems clear that, while you care about him, you want to break up. That's totally fine; breaking up is hard but it can be the right, loving thing to do (even if it doesn't feel like it at the time.) You can always just be friends and you can offer some support if you'd like but without the pressure. Continue living your life as you see fit and see where it takes you! Ten years from now he could be a successful restaurant manager/owner who's happy, confident, and put-together; you could meet again and end up happily together if the timing is right. While I don't think we should wait for people, you also never know what could happen. BUT the bottom line is that you're not a good match in the now and immediate future, and that's enough to go by when you're ready to decide.
posted by smorgasbord at 7:35 PM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
He sounds like a fine human who is just taking longer to find his way; as others have said, you guys have some different values and interests right now. It doesn't sound like a good fit and it seems clear that, while you care about him, you want to break up. That's totally fine; breaking up is hard but it can be the right, loving thing to do (even if it doesn't feel like it at the time.) You can always just be friends and you can offer some support if you'd like but without the pressure. Continue living your life as you see fit and see where it takes you! Ten years from now he could be a successful restaurant manager/owner who's happy, confident, and put-together; you could meet again and end up happily together if the timing is right. While I don't think we should wait for people, you also never know what could happen. BUT the bottom line is that you're not a good match in the now and immediate future, and that's enough to go by when you're ready to decide.
posted by smorgasbord at 7:35 PM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
I just can’t. I really need to end it... I can’t stay with him while I feel like this. It’s not right to him either.
It seems like you have your answer. Break up with him.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 8:37 PM on January 29, 2018
It seems like you have your answer. Break up with him.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 8:37 PM on January 29, 2018
I hate to sound superficial but I kind of want someone whom dresses like me, more plain and nice. It sounds really superficial, I’m sorry. I think he looks great with undyed hair, and wish he would take his earrings out. [...] His family is well meaning and sweet but also a bit different. They embrace hippie culture and seem to all have a thing with being different from the crowd.
I sounds like you'd have a major problem with this even if he magically became a 40 under 40 finance mogul overnight. His lifestyle and creative values and interests make you uncomfortable. It isn't superficial to recognize that, and you don't need to justify being uncomfortable with different aesthetics by trying to make the case that they're symptomatic of immaturity or financial disaster. I'm not just saying this to defend the hippies and blue haired people and art weirdos of the world, but because it sounds like resorting to being judgmental about aesthetic things is a defense mechanism you're using to cope with "being unable to speak my truth"-- like if there isn't a list of things that are undeniably, objectively bad about this guy, you don't have a justifiable reason to not be with him, because "I don't like this" doesn't feel like a sufficient reason for you to speak up or say no. This sounds like something you might want to work on by yourself, possibly in therapy, possibly just being more mindful about it. You deserve to feel like your preferences and needs are important, like your voice is enough.
Also, just an aside, I am definitely on the super art weirdo end of the aesthetic spectrum, and I would not be giving my preppy friends LED lightup raver necklaces or whatever the "hippie type" gifts your bf is getting for you when you wish he would get you something that's actually your style, something you will actually like, that you will be able to wear. It sounds like both of you are trying to change the other-- you want him to go back to his natural hair color, he wants you to wear the kind of "cool" jewelry he likes. The good relationships I've seen between two people with wildly different personal aesthetics always involve both people respecting and cherishing the other's style and personality. A good and very, very flamboyantly goth friend of mine is really excited right now because she just found a Valentine's Day gift for her fiance, whose style is somewhere between professorial and professional-- it's not something she would ever choose for herself, but it is something he will love. She isn't going to go get him a crescent moon warlock necklace (or whatever) because that's something she likes, and wants him to like, too. They're both professionals, and are both OK with being in a relationship with each other without feeling like they need to aesthetically match, or like they need to bring the other person's aesthetics in line. It doesn't sound like you're there, but, I want to point out because you spend the entire body of this Ask beating yourself up for it, it doesn't sound like your boyfriend is there either. You deserve a relationship where you can respect your partner, and also have them love and respect you for who you are.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 8:50 AM on January 30, 2018 [5 favorites]
I sounds like you'd have a major problem with this even if he magically became a 40 under 40 finance mogul overnight. His lifestyle and creative values and interests make you uncomfortable. It isn't superficial to recognize that, and you don't need to justify being uncomfortable with different aesthetics by trying to make the case that they're symptomatic of immaturity or financial disaster. I'm not just saying this to defend the hippies and blue haired people and art weirdos of the world, but because it sounds like resorting to being judgmental about aesthetic things is a defense mechanism you're using to cope with "being unable to speak my truth"-- like if there isn't a list of things that are undeniably, objectively bad about this guy, you don't have a justifiable reason to not be with him, because "I don't like this" doesn't feel like a sufficient reason for you to speak up or say no. This sounds like something you might want to work on by yourself, possibly in therapy, possibly just being more mindful about it. You deserve to feel like your preferences and needs are important, like your voice is enough.
Also, just an aside, I am definitely on the super art weirdo end of the aesthetic spectrum, and I would not be giving my preppy friends LED lightup raver necklaces or whatever the "hippie type" gifts your bf is getting for you when you wish he would get you something that's actually your style, something you will actually like, that you will be able to wear. It sounds like both of you are trying to change the other-- you want him to go back to his natural hair color, he wants you to wear the kind of "cool" jewelry he likes. The good relationships I've seen between two people with wildly different personal aesthetics always involve both people respecting and cherishing the other's style and personality. A good and very, very flamboyantly goth friend of mine is really excited right now because she just found a Valentine's Day gift for her fiance, whose style is somewhere between professorial and professional-- it's not something she would ever choose for herself, but it is something he will love. She isn't going to go get him a crescent moon warlock necklace (or whatever) because that's something she likes, and wants him to like, too. They're both professionals, and are both OK with being in a relationship with each other without feeling like they need to aesthetically match, or like they need to bring the other person's aesthetics in line. It doesn't sound like you're there, but, I want to point out because you spend the entire body of this Ask beating yourself up for it, it doesn't sound like your boyfriend is there either. You deserve a relationship where you can respect your partner, and also have them love and respect you for who you are.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 8:50 AM on January 30, 2018 [5 favorites]
Best answer: He’s said that he hates responsibility and wishes he was a child again. I just can’t.
Wow, I missed this. Well, there's your non-superficial answer. Luck and strength, you need to end it and the green has faith in you to do it.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 10:43 AM on January 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
Wow, I missed this. Well, there's your non-superficial answer. Luck and strength, you need to end it and the green has faith in you to do it.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 10:43 AM on January 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: @moonlight on vermont, that was a very insightful comment, thank you. For some reason I've never seen so clearly that yes, he wants me to be different too, just like I do him. Example, for Christmas, I got him gifts totally his style and things I knew he would like and use but I didn't personally like and wish he didn't like (long black gloves, a rainbow light up speaker), but he got me things I didn't really like at all (a goth strappy necklace and wax burner shaped like a butterfly). I do feel he wants me to be someone I'm just not and am not comfortable being and don't see the value in me being personally. And although I don't really speak up and tell him I want him to be different, I think it and I really don't understand or relate to his choices, and honestly can't accept them in a life partner. Everyone is different, and that is wonderful but I think I need for my partner to be understandable and similar to me. This gives me something to say in the break up, that I just feel that we want each other to be different people, and that it's not fair to either of us, and we'd be happier with people we totally accepted, respected, and loved. You're right, that even if he totally cleaned up his financial life, I still would be uncomfortable with pursuing anything serious with him.
And yes, the hating-responsibility comment irks me a lot. It really is a deal-breaker. Thanks again for the comments.
posted by anon1129 at 10:54 AM on January 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
And yes, the hating-responsibility comment irks me a lot. It really is a deal-breaker. Thanks again for the comments.
posted by anon1129 at 10:54 AM on January 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
You two are fundamentally incompatible and would be better off looking for other people to be with who actively LIKE preppy clothes/blue hair rather than both trying to change each other. Sounds like at the least it's time for a "seeing other people" phase.
posted by oblique red at 2:06 PM on January 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by oblique red at 2:06 PM on January 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Final Update: I broke up with him last week. I realized deeply that we were totally incompatible, did not share values, goals, or a future vision. I realized that I actually kind of hated who this guy was. I didn't like how messy, lazy, childish, irresponsible he was. I didn't like his clothes, music taste, family, friends. I guess I just really liked how nice we could be, sweet, cuddly, and the sex and I found him attractive. I realized I had to be very strong and leave him. I think the neglect and abuse I experienced as a child has led me to be disconnected from and mistrustful of my feelings/needs/preferences. I think that is why I just couldn't admit to myself that I just didn't like him. Now I admit it. I don't understand, relate to, or respect that guy, as harsh as it sounds. I am so glad to be single, I don't want to date anyone for a long while, I just want to work on ME. and goddamn I deserve it.
Here's to my future full of so much opportunity, I'm so excited. :)
posted by anon1129 at 10:42 AM on May 5, 2018 [6 favorites]
Here's to my future full of so much opportunity, I'm so excited. :)
posted by anon1129 at 10:42 AM on May 5, 2018 [6 favorites]
Congrats! And thank you for taking the time to post an update.
I just want to work on ME. and goddamn I deserve it
Damn right you do. Well done and good luck.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 7:23 PM on May 6, 2018
I just want to work on ME. and goddamn I deserve it
Damn right you do. Well done and good luck.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 7:23 PM on May 6, 2018
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posted by metahawk at 11:29 AM on January 29, 2018 [52 favorites]