How to encourage more personal conversations at parties

January 20, 2018 2:05 PM

I regularly attend and host gatherings where no one gets past small talk, even though all the attendees have known each other well for years, and each of us have more personal and/or interesting conversations when we meet one-on-one. Are there ways to encourage this, as either a host or an attendee?

In the situations I'm thinking of, I do not think that either noise levels or discomfort with sharing private things with the whole group (ranging between three and twenty people) are an issue. It's more that everyone is maintaining a cheerful "party" atmosphere, and it's possible that's just the preference of everyone other than me. But if there are ways I might get them talking more about the things they really care about, I'd find that a lot more rewarding.

posted by metasarah to Human Relations (20 answers total)

Uh, I think getting people drunk usually encourages more personal, freewheeling exchanges at parties. Results may vary.
posted by cakelite at 2:19 PM on January 20, 2018 [11 favorites]

Gamiify it.

People aren't that creative in response to open-ended abstract tasks. We mostly just flounder unless clearly directed and tightly constrained. "Have more personal conversations!" will just leave people blinking vapidly.. But announce "Hey everyone, let's try something!" and suggest a fun-sounding, easily-understood "game" activity where people are encouraged to creatively work within your boundaries (especially if you make it somehow competitive) and people will impress you with their cleverness and transformative power.

You'd need to think of something clever, and polish it carefully. If you feel nothing but a brain fart at this prospect, well, at least you'll sympathize with your guests' likely reaction to being encouraged to "hold personal conversations"! :)
posted by Quisp Lover at 2:26 PM on January 20, 2018 [1 favorite]

As attendee, the simplest (and most powerful) thing is to take the conversation in that direction either by asking a question that you are genuinely curious about or by answering a question in a deeper, more authentic way that the usual "party" response.
posted by metahawk at 2:26 PM on January 20, 2018 [5 favorites]

As a host, try to be much more proactive about introducing people to each other and suggesting specific topics that they might both find interesting. Interject a few comments or questions and then when it is well established, move on to someone else. The trick is to focus your energy on being a good host and making that a higher priority above getting engaged in specific conversations or hanging out with any given friend.

By the way, logistics can get in the way. Noise, as you said, makes a difference. Group size - I have had some great conversations with 4-6, maybe 8 people sitting around in a circle but that's the max. Standing the groups size is smaller. My feeling is that balancing food and drink in your hands sends a signal to keep things in "party" mode but others may respond differently. So, quiet corners will people can sit and talk are probably best.
posted by metahawk at 2:39 PM on January 20, 2018 [2 favorites]

Have you tried bringing up things you care about at parties? Maybe people would follow your lead and be more comfortable bringing up stuff they care about if you break the ice for them.
posted by Eevee at 2:39 PM on January 20, 2018

Are you willing to try more of a salon approach? Because sometime when I'm asked what I think about a topic I feel strongly about, I keep it low key to avoid going too deep, especially if I don't think others present are really interested in the topic. I'd probably be willing to be more open if I thought others really wanted to hear my opinions.
posted by beaning at 2:44 PM on January 20, 2018 [6 favorites]

Deep conversations are outside the social norm for parties. It's like saying "I'd like to see more competitive eating" or "why aren't people taking their pants off." As beaning says, if you want deeper conversations, host a "salon" instead of a party. Give a prompt (not too trivial but not too tragic either, this isn't the time for What's Wrong With Our World); plenty of wine, low lighting and comfy seating. It sounds like a nice evening!
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:00 PM on January 20, 2018 [35 favorites]

Are you looking for serious, earnest deep conversation, or just to get a bit more personal while maintaining the cheerful, party atmosphere? If the latter: have you ever played "never have I ever"?
posted by snorkmaiden at 3:50 PM on January 20, 2018

I’m moderately social, and attend a monthly gathering of media types in LA—we’ve all known each other for years. I really don’t think anyone wants a party police officer to be monitoring our chit-chat. If you want deeper conversations, start one yourself with another person or two.
posted by Ideefixe at 4:38 PM on January 20, 2018 [24 favorites]

I think about house parties I would attend in my twenties where there was liberal wine and weed and guests had the run of the entire apartment, and sometimes the adjoining apartment. Being able to tuck away into an already intimate space, like a bedroom, led to very deep conversation. But these gatherings were very casual, no food was served, it was really just a gathering of local people and an open door.
posted by pintapicasso at 4:48 PM on January 20, 2018 [4 favorites]

One of the best awkward small-talk-turned-warm parties happened when I asked someone (It happened to be my mom, so I knew she would be game) to share a story of her most embarrassing moment. It led to everyone around the table sharing some highly entertaining stories.
posted by oxisos at 6:09 PM on January 20, 2018 [1 favorite]

Party games help break this ice, if your crowd is a gaming sort. We really like The Voting Game - it leads to the telling of stories - but you may well need to pull cards from the deck beforehand (cards that don't play in our group: "Which of your friends has the most in common with Hiltler?" "Which of your friends is a closet racist?" anything about the 'opposite sex', because we're all really queer; cards that do play well for us: "Which of your friends is really a spy?" "Which of your friends is really from the future?" "Who is the oldest child?" etc)
posted by joycehealy at 7:26 PM on January 20, 2018 [1 favorite]

Oh god, don't do this. Your parties are working as intended. No one wants to get stuck at a party with the one person who insists on talking about "non-shallow" things, because no one will ever care as much about the things you find important, as much you do.

It's like asking why no one is fascinated by your vacation photos.

Also, small talk allows everyone to participate. "Interesting" conversations, generally do not. Parties aren't conference panel discussions.
posted by danny the boy at 9:08 PM on January 20, 2018 [18 favorites]

What time do you typically host these gatherings? If it's possible for peoples' schedules, can you wrangle later in the night instead of, say, dinnertime?

In my experience, the closer to midnight it gets — especially if everyone's been hanging out for a while, some people have left, making it more intimate, drinks have come out, etc. — the more likely people are to have in-depth conversations.
posted by fire, water, earth, air at 10:55 PM on January 20, 2018

I heard about a kind of presentation-focused activity via Twitter recently.

It sounds really interesting and gives individuals an opportunity to talk about something they're passionate about, a prompt for other people to discuss.
posted by sacchan at 4:08 AM on January 21, 2018 [1 favorite]

and each of us have more personal and/or interesting conversations when we meet one-on-one

This is because it's very easy/pleasant to have a connection with just one person. What you're suggesting is a form of group therapy, and will suck pretty much any enjoyment out of a party.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 4:38 AM on January 21, 2018 [13 favorites]

Traditional duty of the host: travel around the crowd introducing people to each other. Mention interests and shared experiences when you do. For certain conversational pairs or groups seek them out and deliberately match them up.

What you can do is start conversations. Your guests have to take it from there.
posted by bonehead at 5:11 AM on January 21, 2018

Keep in mind that you run the risk of alienating a percentage of your guests if you implement any of these suggestions. Many people go to parties expecting food and drink and small-talk with friends and would be serious put off if it turned into some kind of amateur TED talk. Also consider the current state of the country and how much you feel like risking having your party turn into a loud angry political argument. I love talking politics here on the Blue but if I hear any politics being discussed at a party I try to move as far away as possible because I just can't.
posted by octothorpe at 6:37 AM on January 21, 2018 [9 favorites]

Any involved party activities of course should be announced in advance so participants can decide whether or not they want to participate in that activity.
posted by sacchan at 6:53 AM on January 21, 2018 [3 favorites]

Don't frame it as a "party," since that is already a very strong cue for what the attendees should expect and act on. As others have already pointed out, there are a lot of norms that are already attached to the frame of a "party," and it's not really going to be feasible to change those expectations. "Salon" could be an alternative, though I'm not sure how many people think of that word in that early 20th-century usage rather than as e.g. a beauty salon. You might have to get a little more creative with how you set up expectations.

Another thing is: do the other people want to have this kind of experience in a group setting? You mentioned that "it's possible that's just the preference of everyone other than me." Maybe try bringing this up with some of those folks when you have them one-on-one and gauge their interest, hear out what their concerns and ideas might be. If it turns out they just don't want to do anything like that, you might have to get this sort of deeper-connection experience elsewhere.
posted by obliterati at 10:32 AM on January 21, 2018 [1 favorite]