She likes me, she likes me not

January 16, 2018 12:02 AM

I'd like to stop thinking about whether or not a friend is romantically interested in me.

I'm not really a physical person-- I know some people don't like to be touched and I'm too awkward to ask for permission. When I was younger, I avoided physical contact with my parents (for unrelated reasons) and did not have many friends, so I'm not used to close contact. I get flustered when it happens.

A friend of mine has become sort of physically touchy (?) with me and not with other people in our friend group. Since I'm not used prolonged contact, in my head I can't help but construe it as a sign of romantic interest. But I don't think she's actually interested in me, judging from her body language.

I'd like to stop thinking about whether she's interested in me because it makes me feel bad about myself. I don't know how to describe it, but it doesn't feel "safe" to entertain such thoughts, so I end up mentally putting myself down and telling myself I'm unlovable, that there is no way she is interested in me.

(Notes: I'm on therapy and medication. The medication has improved my mood a lot, but not my self image.)

Is this a question of boundaries? If so, how do I approach that conversation? Other than this issue, I don't mind being touched, and it feels nice. Is there a good way of mentally framing this situation so I'm not bothered? Or is this a problem for therapy? I would like to throw this whole issue under a bridge.

posted by typify to Human Relations (10 answers total)

It's hard to tell from what you've written- are you at all romantically interested in her? It kinda sounds like you're shutting down a bit- but it also sounds like that's based more on low self-esteem than out of not feeling that way towards her. If you knew things would work out romantically with your friend, would you be into it?
posted by pseudostrabismus at 12:18 AM on January 16, 2018 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: To answer: Yes, if I knew it would work out. I was interested in her before this, but I also am completely fine if our relationship doesn't develop into a romantic one. Until she makes anything explicit, I just don't want to think about it too much.
posted by typify at 12:43 AM on January 16, 2018

Best answer: For mental framing, could you process it as her being helpful for both of you, and you are rolling with it until one or both of you wants to change it. Either one of you can make an offer to do something like go to a movie you both are interested in and see what might spark. Having an occasion to step away from the group with some privacy might provide an opportunity for a connecting or clarifying conversation.

If the touching becomes unwelcome, you can gently point that out, too.
posted by childofTethys at 4:41 AM on January 16, 2018 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Maybe frame it as, "I like the touching and it feels good. She likes touching me. It may or may not be a signal that she's interested in me. Either way, I don't want a relationship right now because I'm working on loving myself and taking care of myself by being in therapy and taking meds. Right now I'm just going to enjoy the physical sensations of her touching."
posted by foxjacket at 5:46 AM on January 16, 2018 [4 favorites]

Best answer: In your shoes, I've found it useful to think in these terms:

"She might be signaling that she likes me, or she might not. If this is her way of showing her interest, then I'm not really interested in being with someone who can't communicate their intentions in a more candid way. If she's not interested, then I'd rather not devote energy to trying to decipher her actions. Best to assume that regardless of her intentions, it wouldn't be a great match right now."
posted by schroedingersgirl at 6:19 AM on January 16, 2018 [4 favorites]

I would address the root of the matter by saying to her, "I'm starting to be interested in you as more than a friend. Would you be open to going out on a date with me?" She'll say yes or no. If yes, yay, you know she likes you and you get to enjoy the touching thing with probably much more touching to come! If she says no, you can say, "Okay, I'm fine with our just being friends," and then she'll likely rein in the touching because the two of you have set a definite boundary.
posted by orange swan at 6:51 AM on January 16, 2018 [4 favorites]

If you- but no one else- is being touched, she's into you. Doesn't mean she wants to date you necessarily, but she's into you at least a little. It's OK to be flustered- that happens to everyone to some degree. If it were me, I'd touch her back. Purely reciprocal, the same way she touches you. See how she reacts. It's easier said than done for everyone, believe me. Just give it a try.

If that's too much, say something kind like "your hand feels nice and warm." Let her know you like it- if you don't in any way reciprocate she may take that as a sign you aren't interested- and she could stop.

Try to enjoy it while it's happening. Human touch between anyone- family, friends, lovers- is one of the greatest joys out there.
posted by Patapsco Mike at 7:33 AM on January 16, 2018 [2 favorites]

Orange swan has it: addressing your own feelings/desires directly is the way to go. Decide what you want and talk to her about it.

To answer: Yes, if I knew it would work out. ... Until she makes anything explicit, I just don't want to think about it too much.

You want her to do what you want done. Her touching you has raised a question. The only person who can answer it is her.
posted by headnsouth at 10:53 AM on January 16, 2018 [1 favorite]

I agree with headnsouth agreeing with Orange Swan, except I'd change it to "The way you touch me makes me wonder if you're interested in being more than friends... I'm interested if you are...".
posted by at at 3:26 PM on January 16, 2018

Response by poster: Belated update: Thank you everyone, your answers were really helpful. psuedostrabismus was right-- I was shutting down.
I waited and thought about it and asked her out. Now we're dating! Apparently it was obvious to others in our friend group. The shy lesbian trope is real.
posted by typify at 11:51 PM on April 7, 2018 [3 favorites]