How do I get grandma home from Nigeria when she doesn't want help?

January 15, 2018 6:31 PM

Entire family is worried sick about Grandma. She's been courted the last 6 months by a scammer in Nigeria. Yesterday she left in the middle of the night without telling anyone, got on a plane, and is now in Nigeria. Help us get grandma back safe.

Grandma is 77 and he is 27. They started talking 6 months ago and it's been a nightmare on the family. She's isolated herself, driven away her closest friends & family, and refuses to get help. They're "deeply in love", he's her "soul mate, the only one who cares about her", and "they'll be together forever". We get that she's lonely and we don't know what to do.

Yesterday she left in the middle of the night. She left her pets alone in the house, disconnected her utilities, and told no one. She's now in Nigeria posting pictures of herself with this 27 year old (family shots, nude shots, etc) and we don't know what to do. She has implied she would be there anywhere from one month to nine, as long as it takes to get married and get her new husband to America. The only way she is communicating with anyone is via Facebook.

We are trying to find any resources that might help. We don't want to spook him or endanger her in any way. This is a very uncomfortable situation and we're at a complete loss.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (19 answers total)

Have you talked to the Embassy? I have no idea what they could do, but they might have run into this kind of problem before.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 6:36 PM on January 15, 2018 [10 favorites]

On preview: what chesty says.
At the very least, they might be able to point you towards help, even if they can't do anyhing themselves.
posted by ELind at 6:39 PM on January 15, 2018

If her safety is the priority, and you feel she would be safer in the U.S., and you don't think her mind can be changed by persuasion, wouldn't you want to expedite the process of both of them coming here? It just occurs to me that making the wrong statements to State Department officials may impede or prevent him from coming to the U.S., in which case if they're genuinely inseparable will also delay her return.

It seems like you need the advice of some sort of expert, if only an immigration lawyer. I don't know anything about immigration but I would wonder whether the process of getting a visa for him would be smoother if he fits some sort of criteria other than being your grandmother's fiancee.
posted by XMLicious at 6:51 PM on January 15, 2018

Get a grip. I can understand how upsetting this feels to you, but unless you think you can legally prove that Grandma is mentally incapacitated, or would be a danger to herself or others, it is none of your business. Your literally have no right to interfere.

Two thoughts: leaving pets alone in her house does seem does seem to show possible mental incapacity. And have you considered one family member designated to try to get in touch with the young man? "How much will it take for you to leave our family member alone?" is a time-honored family tradition.
posted by kestralwing at 7:14 PM on January 15, 2018 [6 favorites]

This is a family member. I absolutely think this is your business, as both family and as a human being. I do not think you are overreacting, at all. I think the most important thing is to maintain communication, by not being too adversial or confrontational, while you figure out what to do in the meantime. I would also contact adult protective services, or an elder law attorney, or any local resources specializing in the elderly, not because they can directly help, but they may be famiiar with this situation and can give you more specific resources.
posted by Aranquis at 7:25 PM on January 15, 2018 [34 favorites]

Get a grip. I can understand how upsetting this feels to you, but unless you think you can legally prove that Grandma is mentally incapacitated, or would be a danger to herself or others, it is none of your business. Your literally have no right to interfere.

This is true, however romance scams occur and the isolation and grooming the OP reports definitely raise warning signals. You should absolutely contact the embassy, reach out in your networks for Nigeria-specific contacts, and look for any resources for elder abuse. If it were my family we would be looking into whether it would be helpful for one of us to travel to Nigeria to see if (a) this relationship is legit and if so to offer assistance in getting the spousal visa as quickly as possible and 'meet the family' etc and (b) working with the embassy to get her out of a potentially dangerous situation.
posted by tavegyl at 7:25 PM on January 15, 2018 [35 favorites]

Get a grip. I can understand how upsetting this feels to you, but unless you think you can legally prove that Grandma is mentally incapacitated, or would be a danger to herself or others, it is none of your business. Your literally have no right to interfere.

I'm all about respecting others' personal autonomy, but you would have to have a level of naivete that would embarrass a six-year-old child to believe that under these particular circumstances this man has any interests other than hustling whatever he can out of OP's grandmother. And one needn't be legally incompetent to suffer from the kind of declining judgment that leaves one vulnerable to a skillful scammer--it happens every day, though usually it involves writing somewhat too large checks to fake charities, not abandoning house for a foreign country. Leaving a 77-year-old relative to be used in a foreign country until she has nothing left to hand over would be a terrible dereliction of duty. God forbid she develop a serious health issue and have no one to look after her and no resources to secure good care.

This guy probably doesn't actually think he can get U.S. citizenship out of this--there are many bad things to be said about ICE, but they are not total morons. So I agree with other advice. Get someone over there and see what it will take to buy him off. If she were younger, you might get off cheaper if you let the scam play out to its end, but she's just too vulnerable to be over there by herself.
posted by praemunire at 8:13 PM on January 15, 2018 [35 favorites]

Just as an aside, I believe Nigeria is considered a high-fraud country when it comes to the business of US Spousal Visas so it is likely going to take a lot longer than that to get him to the USA (legally). I went through the entire process from a low-fraud country (NZ), with no real obstacles (it was pretty obvious we were 100% legit) and it still took 8+ months.
posted by BeeJiddy at 8:22 PM on January 15, 2018

I'm not sure legally what you can do to protect her bank account/pension/social security deposits but I would check with a lawyer and her bank. A scammer's aim will be to drain her accounts and then abandon her.
posted by TWinbrook8 at 8:52 PM on January 15, 2018 [12 favorites]

Can you send her links on FB to 1 or 2 stories about romance scammers? Google turns up plenty of examples. In a tactful way, ideally. I understand your concern. Good luck, OP.
posted by Bella Donna at 9:44 PM on January 15, 2018

From a romance scam survivor

One of the most important understandings about scams came via a newspaper article which interviewed an ex – scammer. In this he talked about the strategy they had of “taking the brain”, and how they methodically and deliberately sought to get people to fall in love, because once in that state, they knew they had control of them. They knew that they could do and ask anything, and they would be believed and supported.

The exercise of love-bombing until a successful state of ‘taking the brain’ is achieved is, from my experience, the foundation of the altered state that many scam victims find themselves in. This exercise has been honed by tried and tested scripts of emails, conversations, actions that the scammers know will work. When in this altered state victims do things outside their normal rational self, and go to lengths that are self-damaging, illegal, detrimental to their future, though they do not believe so at the time. They will sell anything and everything they have to give money to their scammer, they push friends and relatives away, in the belief that their scammer is their only true love and they can provide whatever they will need for their future. In reality, the relationship is based on lies, effectively delivered by very skilled emotional manipulators who know what works.

The hardest part, and one that still challenges me today, is to know how, when contacted by relatives of victims, to break through this altered state to reach the victim. Because of the trust the victim has in their scammer, its very difficult to reach the victim to have them understand they are being scammed. There is no ready answer that I have found to this conundrum.

There may not be a ready answer, but I urge you to keep trying to ensure your grandmother is physically safe. Try to stay in contact. Maybe even say things like "I'm glad you are happy" to gain/keep her trust. She will need your non-judgemental support later when she has to deal with her shame (see the link at top). She has been brainwashed, love bombed. Her only fault is being vulnerable.
posted by Thella at 10:21 PM on January 15, 2018 [24 favorites]

I’m from Cameroon and could write a book about similar marriages (usually a 60-something European dude falling for a 20-something local woman) we see around here regularly.

First, relax. Your nan is not in immediate danger. The young man is after an opportunity to get to America (I see you’re from Utah) and his entire family has a vested interest in her well being. But the man’s plan won’t work: because of the age difference, no Consular officer in their right mind will grant him a fiance visa. And that’s assuming they can get married in Nigeria which is not a given at all (well found suspicion of fictitious marriage). Once your grandmother realises that, or has no more money to spend, she’ll come back home.

In the mean time, see how you can stop her from depleting her savings, and also contact your Embassy on the ground. They will let you know if there’s anything they can do, and recommend a lawyer. The suggestion for a family member to travel to Nigeria to assist her is a good one.

Also, let your nan know that you’ll be taking care of her pets and plants and wish her well. She needs to know that someone is still on her side and love her unconditionally.

Please let us know how this went.
posted by Kwadeng at 10:45 PM on January 15, 2018 [36 favorites]

it would be helpful for one of us to travel to Nigeria to see if (a) this relationship is legit

Seriously? A 77 year old falling for a 27 year old?

Op, your best avenue is to contact a lawyer in Nigeria and take it from there. I’m sure there are ways to prevent even the marriage from happening.

Alternatively, kestralwing’s suggestion to buy her out is an excellent one.
posted by Kwadeng at 10:54 PM on January 15, 2018 [2 favorites]

Another thought on the lawyer/bank acct front. If it *is* possible to freeze her account (sorry, I'm not optimistic) then theoretically her only option is to go to US Embassy to be repatriated and she'll be spitting mad. I wonder if throttling her account to eg, $50 per day, enough for food and a hotel room but not enough $ as far as scamming boyfriend is concerned, will cause him to move on to better prospects and leave her disillusioned but safe.

The abandoned pets and the nude photos need to be stressed. It's obviously not normal Grandma behavior.
posted by TWinbrook8 at 1:05 AM on January 16, 2018 [5 favorites]

Please call one of these numbers to get the U.S. Embassy, assuming she is a U.S. citizen:

Telephone:
Abuja ACS worktime line [phone]
Abuja emergency line [phone] (and press 0)

Lagos ACS worktime line [phone] or 460 3600, follow prompts
Lagos emergency line [phone]

The people who answer will be experienced with this situation. They will very be limited in what they can do, but they can at least tell you what your options are (and aren’t).
posted by whitewall at 6:04 AM on January 16, 2018 [3 favorites]

Has your 77-year-old grandmother appointed a power-of-attorney? If so, I would definitely recommend they speak with a manager at her bank and see what, if anything, they might be able to do in order to safeguard her account.

A few years ago, I had to take steps to safeguard my mother's funds from being drained by my brother. The fly in the ointment was that, because reasons, there had two PoA's drawn up, each giving PoA to different brothers. But, I happened to be working with a very sympathetic management team at the bank, who saw by the records showing her accounts were steadily being drained. They helped me secure mom's accounts. They had to bend a few rules to do it, but they thought it better to save her funds rather than let someone steal it all from her.
posted by Thorzdad at 7:43 AM on January 16, 2018 [2 favorites]

My company works with the elderly and their families on a daily basis. In my experience families often have good luck simply calling on their loved one's banker and letting them know what's going on. In line with federal "Know Your Customer" policies, banks may freeze accounts or refuse to follow clients' transfer orders if they believe they are part of a scam. I would first try to get a police report of any kind - perhaps for the abandoned pets? - it helps to have something official in hand when talking to a branch manager.

Also seconding that you should call her county Adult Protection Services for advice, asap.
posted by rada at 10:38 AM on January 16, 2018 [10 favorites]

Aside from those of us concerned for your grandmother specifically, could you post updates for anyone who might find your experience useful in similar situations involving family members who have been taken advantage of in this way (abroad or domestically)?
posted by ellenaim at 9:20 AM on January 19, 2018 [4 favorites]

Any update on this?
posted by blueberry at 8:36 PM on February 4, 2018 [2 favorites]