church etiquette with a baby

January 15, 2018 2:21 PM

I am a new churchgoer with an 8 month-old baby, and I would like some advice on church etiquette when you have a baby.

I'm thinking about starting to attend church more regularly. I've gone to the service twice at a small Episcopalian church nearby and was really impressed by the preaching. It's a small congregation, but a relatively young one. It seems like a lot of the people attending are students from the local divinity school, and it was a fairly casual, low-church (I think that's the term) atmosphere. Since it's a small congregation, there's only one service a week, and it's at 6:30 pm on Sunday.

I grew up in an atheist family, so going to church is, in general, unfamiliar territory to me. So I feel awkward enough just being in church by myself, and bringing a baby along with me adds to my awkwardness. He's a pretty chill baby and has slept through the first half of the service both times, and the preacher has welcomed us both times at the entrance to the church very warmly.

So, my questions: if my baby starts fussing in, say, the middle of the sermon, and doesn't just settle down with a bit of rocking, what's the best thing for me to do? Get up with him and walk into the foyer? Walk him up and down in the back of the church? I'm already sitting in the back, so I can leave without bothering people too much. If I have to leave, is it ok to bring him back in once (or if) he's settled? Is it inappropriate to bring a soft, non-squeaky toy with me to entertain him a bit?

My husband is an adamant atheist, so he's not coming to church with us. I might be able to leave the baby with him some evenings, but probably not every Sunday.

Any other advice about going to church with a baby?

posted by colfax to Society & Culture (26 answers total)

Get up with him and walk into the foyer?

I'm not a mother, but I've been to a lot of churches. Lots of churches. And, I can tell you, this is pretty much what 99.99999% percent of mothers do.

If I have to leave, is it ok to bring him back in once (or if) he's settled? Is it inappropriate to bring a soft, non-squeaky toy with me to entertain him a bit?


These are both perfectly fine in my experience. If not, every single mother in every church (of all denominations) is rude.
posted by General Malaise at 2:24 PM on January 15, 2018 [21 favorites]

I would advice that you call the church during the week and ask. Some (usually larger) churches have a special room where parents can take a fussy child and still hear the service.
posted by tman99 at 2:25 PM on January 15, 2018 [16 favorites]

It is perfectly fine to leave and come back. Many churches offer nursery care during the service, maybe yours does.
posted by ApathyGirl at 2:25 PM on January 15, 2018 [3 favorites]

Yes, if he cries just get up with him and take him into the foyer, or as far as you need to go so he's not distracting the leader or bothering the people trying to listen.

Absolutely fine and desirable to bring small (silent) distraction toy, bag of cheerios, or any other thing that helps him stay quiet and doesn't bother others. (But if he makes crumbs, pick them up.)

If walking him keeps him quiet then it's totally fine to just walk him in the back while you listen!

Everyone loves a (quiet) baby.
posted by fingersandtoes at 2:28 PM on January 15, 2018 [5 favorites]

Also, may be a good opportunity to chat with the minister if they have kids, their spouse, or one of the other church leaders. First, because I'd bet they're absolutely dying to get to know you, but also they'll definitely make you feel better about having the child with you, share with you any advice and stories of the other kids who've grown up in the church, and probably even offer you things to make it easier for you, like maybe they have some toys in the back they'd love to share, or they've been thinking of restarting a nursery service but they're just one kid shy of making it worthwhile, etc.

On preview, apparently echoing what's been said since my last post, so yeah, that.
posted by General Malaise at 2:31 PM on January 15, 2018 [1 favorite]

This varies a lot from church to church. In a small, low-church congregation the tolerance for a bit of fussing is probably higher than in a very formal context, but the presence of a lot of theology students may make this unpredictable. Does the minister have kids?

Basically yes, go outside if the baby starts to be disruptive, and absolutely do come back in when he's settled. Yes, bring quiet toys and snacks if needed. If you stick around and form ties to this congregation, you may find that there are people who are pleased (nay, delighted) to carry him around and entertain him for you - though depending on age and stage and your particular kid's temperament, this may or may not be helpful.
posted by Cheese Monster at 2:33 PM on January 15, 2018

My synagogue provides quiet,soft toys for some holidays.
posted by brujita at 2:38 PM on January 15, 2018

Response by poster: Trying not to threadsit but: yes, I believe the minister has a wife and two kids.
posted by colfax at 2:41 PM on January 15, 2018

Unlike a theater or similar venue, people generally welcome the presence of babies in church. They are glad to see kids being raised in the faith, and learning how to behave in church is just a part of growing up. And of course, they may feel that it is spiritually important. So yes, take the baby out if he is fussing too much, but don't feel self-conscious about disruptions.
posted by acidic at 3:13 PM on January 15, 2018 [12 favorites]

The church I currently attend has child care and also has a family area where you can watch the service on a monitor while tending a baby, but in other churches I've seen parents take their kids out of the sanctuary - from infants on up to middle-school-age - when they started fussing, crying or, in the case of the older kids, misbehaving. Breastfeeding babies were sometimes taken into a side room for feeding. Parents and offspring generally returned to the service after feeding/soothing/etc. Some churches have rooms with with rocking chairs and soft toys.

I agree with the above comments that this is a nice opportunity to chat with the minister and/or his wife. They can tell you about any resources or protocols particular to their congregation and put your mind at ease.
posted by bunderful at 3:30 PM on January 15, 2018

The (larger) church I attended when growing up had a 'crying room' off the foyer that had a window into the sanctuary with speakers so you could still hear. If no such room existed then foyer/lobby was totally acceptable. Coming back in was/is totally fine for any church I attended.
posted by token-ring at 3:35 PM on January 15, 2018 [3 favorites]

I can’t speak to your particular church but: everything you’ve said suggests to me that the minister and congregation would not just be understanding but actively delighted to have you and your child as part of their congregation, and you basically should not worry beyond that. Churches are families and families are messy and imperfect and if the minister has kids themselves, they should totally understand this. Ministers have a pastoral role too: a good minister will understand and be able to help you and your child feel part of the congregation - and will bring the congregation along with them in that.

More practically: if there’s no explicit crèche or other childcare provision, bringing your own (quiet) distractions is a good idea. Don’t get at all hung up on tantrums/crying/etc - if you need to step out to the foyer, do so, and then absolutely return. I more-or-less guarantee the congregation are less bothered about minor child-related distractions than you worry they are.
posted by parm at 3:42 PM on January 15, 2018 [5 favorites]

I'll echo everything else people have said. We go to an Episcopal Church with our daughter and have since she was born. Loud fussiness (like she decided to deploy during her mom's handbell performance, thanks sweetheart) gets her taken outside but lighter noise (and most happy noises/playing) we just roll with. Church people mostly love kids, as our deacon said "we were all crying kids in church once." We have a nursery but it only goes until the offering/beginning of communion; I'd check if you have something similar. The mechanics of a church so low you've only got a Sunday evening service are beyond my experience, but if it's anything like Sunday morning any service with music and young people should be very child friendly. Show up with the old folks at 8 am, and maybe it's a little different.

Given the state of the Episcopal Church if you find one that's turning away families with kids someone call the bishop, that's criminal. I'm not sure if I'm kidding about that.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 4:31 PM on January 15, 2018 [7 favorites]

My husband has taken our daughter to (Catholic) church on his own since she was a few months old, and he’s pretty much never had a problem - he takes a little bag for her with (not messy) snacks, water, a book, and a quiet toy and she is usually sufficiently entertained by that (now at age 3 she tries to ballet dance to the hymns at her seat as well; ymmv). Generally when she does start fussing it’s my understanding that there’s often a nice grandmotherly type who is happy to hold her, walk her a bit, entertain her with keys, or whatever. He’s only told me of a couple of instances where he got dirty looks when she wasn’t perfectly still and quiet, but that was in a congregation with very few kids. Otherwise people have been chill about it and there’s no issue taking a kid out if they’re really disruptive.

Consider it an opportunity to strike up a conversation with the priest or with other parents you see!
posted by olinerd at 4:45 PM on January 15, 2018

I'm an Episcopalian, and VP of our Board (which is what my somewhat arcane title translates to) and we love having children during the service. Your average baby chirps and fusses are just taken in stride. Snacks and toys are expected. Prolonged screaming and tantrums, yes, those should probably be dealt with outside. We're also fine with mothers nursing right in their pews, if that's what your comfortable doing.

I would definitely ask the priest (or deacon, if you have one) if there's child care or a nursery for when your little guy gets older. It's a great way to make friends for both him and for you.

Please MeMail me if you have any questions.
posted by dancing_angel at 4:50 PM on January 15, 2018 [3 favorites]

"Get up with him and walk into the foyer? Walk him up and down in the back of the church? I'm already sitting in the back, so I can leave without bothering people too much. If I have to leave, is it ok to bring him back in once (or if) he's settled? Is it inappropriate to bring a soft, non-squeaky toy with me to entertain him a bit? "

All of these are acceptable and good ideas! Catholic churches are somewhat more likely to have crying rooms (where you can watch the Mass from behind soundproof glass); Protestant churches are somewhat more likely to have staffed nurseries. You can definitely ask the minister about what he prefers, but don't feel like you have to -- all of your self-help remedies are well within good manners for church. (Some ministers, as a theological point, prefer fussing babies NOT be taken out, since they're part of the Body of Christ and a fussy baby has as much right to be there as a well-behaved dowager, but as a practical matter this theology must often give way for acoustics. So if the church building kinda swallows up baby's fussing/crying, feel free to stay put. If it echoes or carries, moving somewhere less noisy is considerate.)

Snacks and toys are totally normal and common. Breast or bottle feeding should be pursued as needed with no self consciousness. A lot of parents of toddlers bring "quiet books," and you can get church-themed ones if you want to be extra on-point! If you can sew even a little bit, there are INFINITE quiet book church-themed page suggestions on Pinterest.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:12 PM on January 15, 2018 [1 favorite]

I grew up in the Anglican Church (basically Episcopalian outside the US) and it was very normal for parents to do as you are with your child. We had a crying room and a nursery as well. In my experience (my parents are still members) children and babies are very welcome and people are very understanding. The priests are always understanding; babies are understood to be babies and they do baby things.

may be a good opportunity to chat with the minister if they have kids

This varies a lot from church to church. In a small, low-church congregation the tolerance for a bit of fussing is probably higher than in a very formal context, but the presence of a lot of theology students may make this unpredictable. Does the minister have kids?

Churches are families and families are messy and imperfect and if the minister has kids themselves, they should totally understand this.

I know you updated to say your minister does have kids, but for other future readers, tolerance of babies and knowing how to help parents integrate into the services does not depend on your minister having kids. The minister's role is such that they will understand your baby's place in the congregation even if they don't have kids themselves. This is a good opportunity to chat with them even if they don't have kids.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 6:16 PM on January 15, 2018 [2 favorites]

Things may have changed in the past two decades or so, but when I was a kid the nerdy sound guy could usually hook you up with a wireless earpiece tied into the soundboard so you could bail and sit in the foyer or wherever else and still hear things.

Dudes who are volunteering to man the sound board are usually very nerdy, and like solving problems. They'll probably just figure out a solution for you if they don't have on in place already.
posted by furnace.heart at 6:48 PM on January 15, 2018 [1 favorite]

Our pastor says if he can preach while chickens are running through the pews, the laity can have patience with any fussing baby. He has preached in remote areas of India, Korea & more Yes, you are fine on all variations, just set yourself up so the in & out is easier for you. Some set-ups have a “cry-room” but there can be a ton of distractions so it can be better to be with the congregation if all is well.

Also, regarding the kiddo’s other parent-religion is full of teaching values, regardless of theism or atheism. He can engage in a couple of hours a week? Month? as part of the kiddo’s moral development, which includes not piling on the childcare when joining a community could be an additional support for not just the spouse, but the family. This is presuming he is only an atheist and is not a bigot against religion. I get that atheists can have a tough run if theists don’t respect others’ beliefs, but there has to be some balance. Just my two cents.
posted by childofTethys at 7:13 PM on January 15, 2018

If I may, and I might sound presumptuous, don’t sweat it. God himself put the wiggle in children. And Jesus himself said to let the little children come to Him. Granted, when my kids were little I sweated it. Now that they’re older I can wish for the parents around me that they wouldn’t sweat it.
posted by tayknight at 7:34 PM on January 15, 2018 [2 favorites]

I've never been to a church--and, for an atheist, I've been in a lot--where anyone looked twice at a parent taking out a fussy baby and then coming back. Even the ones where the choir is way more stellar than is going to be the case in a congregation full of students. Church isn't a performance to be listened to in silence, it's a coming together of a community to offer themselves to God. That includes little kids.
posted by praemunire at 8:35 PM on January 15, 2018 [1 favorite]

Does the church have a cry room? A lot of churches have a room in the back that has a window so that you can still see the service, plus a speaker so that you can still hear the service.

You can ask the pastor's wife, or another mom, or one of the ushers about where they would direct you to go in the event that the baby gets fussy. This has the bonus of being an easy way to break the ice and introduce yourself to people.

You shouldn't feel self-conscious about offering a bottle while seated in the pew if that would help settle your baby. My pastor insisted (unsolicited, but we knew each other well by then) that it would be perfectly fine to nurse in the pews if I cared to; I'm a veteran at nursing in public, but I still never felt comfortable nursing in church, so I always went to the cry room.
posted by vignettist at 8:53 PM on January 15, 2018

I'm a Quaker and we do silent worship (if you're unfamiliar, we literally sit in near silence for 50 minutes). I have been repeatedly told by my fellow Friends that we do NOT have to remove our baby when he cries/fusses/plays/makes noise. They love to hear it. We do usually take him out but literally everyone will tell us afterwards that it wasn't necessary.

Churchgoers and church staff generally love to hear and see families with young children and should be VERY tolerant of their noises. Honestly, if anyone give you a problem, leave. They are not a nice congregation. It's totally fine to bring a quiet toy or book, to give the baby a bottle, small snack or to nurse during services. It's fine to leave and come back. It's fine to walk around in the back of the sanctuary with the baby if you still want to listen to the sermon.

Don't change a diaper on the pew, is really the only thing you shouldn't do. I hope you have a wonderful time!
posted by Aquifer at 9:37 PM on January 15, 2018

I bring a small army of children to church every week and can confirm all the comments above: church people love having kids there.
I wander in and out when I need to with fussy kids, the one exception being that if a prayer is happening I wait at the door for a minute to let them finish before going back to my seat.

Oh, and I wanted to say one thing about provisions for families with kids. If your church has a nursery or cry room you should remember that they're conveniences for you to use if you want to, and not an indication that your baby isn't welcome in worship.
posted by gerstle at 9:55 PM on January 15, 2018

We go to a mainline Presbyterian church, and children of all ages and noise levels are very welcome during service. We believe the sound of children is the sign of a healthy congregation. But if your little one has an especially explosive meltdown, just try to slip out of the sanctuary as quietly as possible. I would probably have the same tolerance as if I was at a sit-down chain restaurant like Applebees. Like others suggested, talking to the pastor will give you a good sense of what's appropriate.
posted by slogger at 8:13 AM on January 16, 2018

Response by poster: Thank you so much for your answers! You've really put my mind at ease. I'll try and talk to the pastor next time I go.
posted by colfax at 10:05 AM on January 16, 2018 [2 favorites]