Post-breakup crisis
January 14, 2018 11:08 AM Subscribe
I recently ended a LDR that some of the people here on MeFi claimed was abusive. As I have travelled to see my boyfriend almost every weekend for the past year, I now find myself alone in the city with no friends or family. How do I deal with the breakup and rebuild my life all alone? (F, 26)
I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 3 years. After graduating from the uni I moved to the city and we were about 2 hours apart for the past year or so. We agreed that I will work here for about a year, gain some experience and then I'll find a job in his town and move in with him.
During the past 2 years I asked about the relationship here and after my last question everyone here agreed that I should leave asap as the relationship was toxic (if not abusive).
I tried ending the relationship back in October but for reasons that I'm not going to get into now, I gave him another chance (please don't judge, apparently I was not as strong as I should have been and I also loved him... as someone in the last thread pointed out, it often takes more attempts to leave a relationship like mine, and unfortunately that was my case too). I actually went to a therapist a few days after ending it and she said that even though the things he did were not OK, "no man is 100% perfect" and that maybe I should have focused on the good things he did (e.g. sending me flowers etc.). So this made me doubt my decision even more. Looking back now I don't think this was the best therapist to go to.
Anyway, I finally realized this can't go on and definitively ended the relationship last week. I feel awful but at the same time somewhat relieved.
The main problem is that during the week I spend most of the day at work and as I have travelled to see my boyfriend almost every weekend, I now have close to zero friends in the city. Apart from my colleagues and my two girlfriends who I live with, I don't know anyone here. Plus most of my colleagues are 10+ years older than me and have kids and all so there's no after-work socializing of any kind.
I am also absolutely heartbroken anytime I think about him. This was my longest relationship and I have so many amazing memories with him (also some shitty ones which I try to consciously remind myself of all the time, but it doesn't seem to be helping). Someone in my previous question suggested I make a list of all the situations when he acted like a jerk or when he embarrassed me and to read it whenever I doubt my decision to leave him. I think this might help but I haven't brought myself to do it yet because just thinking about him feels awful. I almost wish I could erase him from my memory as in the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
Apart from that I am somewhat pissed off for wasting the last 3 years in this relationship. I'll be 27 this year and I feel like such a failure for being single again. My parents don't know about it yet and I know they'll be so disappointed when I tell them (they really liked the dude because he was always so nice to them and he had a wonderful career and all this stuff that parents are usually impressed by).
So my question is - how to recover from a bad breakup when you have no support network? How do I meet new friends? I have a few hobbies that I participate in every week (ballet, painting course and a language class), but none of these seem to be a good place to make friends (after each lesson people just pack their stuff and leave). I also go to the gym and sometimes join a group workout, but that doesn't make much difference.
Also, how do I make sure I don't end up in a similar relationship again? How to date effectively as an adult? I think it's too soon for me to start dating again but I wonder how to do it when I'm ready. The last time I was single was back in college (single men everywhere). Now I spend most of my days in the office and I have no idea how to meet someone (online dating? speed dating? does any of that work?)
I would also welcome some strategies on how best to recover from a breakup. My two previous relationships ended in a friendly way and I recovered pretty quickly as I had my studies and friends to distract me. Now I try to push this whole thing out of my mind but I constantly find myself on the verge of tears, mostly because I know my boyfriend is devastated by the breakup and I feel so bad for him.
I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 3 years. After graduating from the uni I moved to the city and we were about 2 hours apart for the past year or so. We agreed that I will work here for about a year, gain some experience and then I'll find a job in his town and move in with him.
During the past 2 years I asked about the relationship here and after my last question everyone here agreed that I should leave asap as the relationship was toxic (if not abusive).
I tried ending the relationship back in October but for reasons that I'm not going to get into now, I gave him another chance (please don't judge, apparently I was not as strong as I should have been and I also loved him... as someone in the last thread pointed out, it often takes more attempts to leave a relationship like mine, and unfortunately that was my case too). I actually went to a therapist a few days after ending it and she said that even though the things he did were not OK, "no man is 100% perfect" and that maybe I should have focused on the good things he did (e.g. sending me flowers etc.). So this made me doubt my decision even more. Looking back now I don't think this was the best therapist to go to.
Anyway, I finally realized this can't go on and definitively ended the relationship last week. I feel awful but at the same time somewhat relieved.
The main problem is that during the week I spend most of the day at work and as I have travelled to see my boyfriend almost every weekend, I now have close to zero friends in the city. Apart from my colleagues and my two girlfriends who I live with, I don't know anyone here. Plus most of my colleagues are 10+ years older than me and have kids and all so there's no after-work socializing of any kind.
I am also absolutely heartbroken anytime I think about him. This was my longest relationship and I have so many amazing memories with him (also some shitty ones which I try to consciously remind myself of all the time, but it doesn't seem to be helping). Someone in my previous question suggested I make a list of all the situations when he acted like a jerk or when he embarrassed me and to read it whenever I doubt my decision to leave him. I think this might help but I haven't brought myself to do it yet because just thinking about him feels awful. I almost wish I could erase him from my memory as in the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
Apart from that I am somewhat pissed off for wasting the last 3 years in this relationship. I'll be 27 this year and I feel like such a failure for being single again. My parents don't know about it yet and I know they'll be so disappointed when I tell them (they really liked the dude because he was always so nice to them and he had a wonderful career and all this stuff that parents are usually impressed by).
So my question is - how to recover from a bad breakup when you have no support network? How do I meet new friends? I have a few hobbies that I participate in every week (ballet, painting course and a language class), but none of these seem to be a good place to make friends (after each lesson people just pack their stuff and leave). I also go to the gym and sometimes join a group workout, but that doesn't make much difference.
Also, how do I make sure I don't end up in a similar relationship again? How to date effectively as an adult? I think it's too soon for me to start dating again but I wonder how to do it when I'm ready. The last time I was single was back in college (single men everywhere). Now I spend most of my days in the office and I have no idea how to meet someone (online dating? speed dating? does any of that work?)
I would also welcome some strategies on how best to recover from a breakup. My two previous relationships ended in a friendly way and I recovered pretty quickly as I had my studies and friends to distract me. Now I try to push this whole thing out of my mind but I constantly find myself on the verge of tears, mostly because I know my boyfriend is devastated by the breakup and I feel so bad for him.
Good for you for making the choice to leave a relationship where you were not treated well. It sounds like it was really difficult and painful, but you are strong and courageous for making and following through on this hard decision.
Advice for how to move on and heal:
- Talk to friends or family members regularly. Even if your friends are far away, can you set up a weekly video chat with a few friends? It really helps to feel like there are people who care about you and can listen to you and be there for you. You might not have a local support network, but you still have people who support you.
- Find a therapist. You're right; that last one didn't sound helpful, so find a new person that you like.
- Work on trusting yourself and your judgement. One thing that can happen in abusive relationships* is you lose your sense of who you are and lose touch with/stop trusting your own judgement and ideas.
- Be kind to yourself. It's okay that you were in this relationship for 3 years. It's okay that you are sad and angry now. It seems like you are being pretty hard on yourself right now, but you deserve kindness and compassion from yourself.
Advice for meeting people:
- If you are in an area with other MeFites, you can set up an IRL meet-up!
- Do you have any friends who live elsewhere but know someone in your city they could introduce you to?
- For your existing hobbies: could you initiate a hang-out? Maybe you could invite everyone in the language class or painting class out for drinks after the last class session? Or have a movie night where you watch a movie in the language you're learning? Or if there is a particular person you'd like to befriend, approach them and invite them to coffee or lunch or something. You can outright say, "Hey, I'm kind of new in town and I'm trying to get to know more folks locally. You seem cool, would you like to get lunch sometime?"
- Potential new hobbies: board games (is there a local board-game night somewhere you could join?), social dancing (since you already do ballet; are you interested in partner dancing?), joining a community choir or orchestra or band,
- Meetup can also be good for meeting people who are specifically interested in meeting new folks.
- Other good ways to get to know people and bond enough that you can form friendships: do something that involves working with others towards a common goal. That can be a more fertile environment for new friendships than just seeing each other occasionally at the gym or whatever. So maybe: get involved in a political campaign or political organizing, get involved in community theater, get involved consistently in a local volunteer organization and meet other volunteers.
Good luck! Breakups just 100% suck, but you will be so much happier once you get on the other side of this period of suckitude.
*By the way, it sounds like you're not totally convinced that the relationship you were in was abusive, and that is okay. You get to make your own decisions about how you think about that relationship, and what labels you do or don't put on it. You are in charge of the narrative of your life. It's okay if you decide you want to call the relationship abusive, and also okay if you decide that label doesn't ring true or feel useful for you. The important part is that you decided you'd be better off out of the relationship, and you followed through on that decision.
posted by aka burlap at 11:42 AM on January 14, 2018 [9 favorites]
Advice for how to move on and heal:
- Talk to friends or family members regularly. Even if your friends are far away, can you set up a weekly video chat with a few friends? It really helps to feel like there are people who care about you and can listen to you and be there for you. You might not have a local support network, but you still have people who support you.
- Find a therapist. You're right; that last one didn't sound helpful, so find a new person that you like.
- Work on trusting yourself and your judgement. One thing that can happen in abusive relationships* is you lose your sense of who you are and lose touch with/stop trusting your own judgement and ideas.
- Be kind to yourself. It's okay that you were in this relationship for 3 years. It's okay that you are sad and angry now. It seems like you are being pretty hard on yourself right now, but you deserve kindness and compassion from yourself.
Advice for meeting people:
- If you are in an area with other MeFites, you can set up an IRL meet-up!
- Do you have any friends who live elsewhere but know someone in your city they could introduce you to?
- For your existing hobbies: could you initiate a hang-out? Maybe you could invite everyone in the language class or painting class out for drinks after the last class session? Or have a movie night where you watch a movie in the language you're learning? Or if there is a particular person you'd like to befriend, approach them and invite them to coffee or lunch or something. You can outright say, "Hey, I'm kind of new in town and I'm trying to get to know more folks locally. You seem cool, would you like to get lunch sometime?"
- Potential new hobbies: board games (is there a local board-game night somewhere you could join?), social dancing (since you already do ballet; are you interested in partner dancing?), joining a community choir or orchestra or band,
- Meetup can also be good for meeting people who are specifically interested in meeting new folks.
- Other good ways to get to know people and bond enough that you can form friendships: do something that involves working with others towards a common goal. That can be a more fertile environment for new friendships than just seeing each other occasionally at the gym or whatever. So maybe: get involved in a political campaign or political organizing, get involved in community theater, get involved consistently in a local volunteer organization and meet other volunteers.
Good luck! Breakups just 100% suck, but you will be so much happier once you get on the other side of this period of suckitude.
*By the way, it sounds like you're not totally convinced that the relationship you were in was abusive, and that is okay. You get to make your own decisions about how you think about that relationship, and what labels you do or don't put on it. You are in charge of the narrative of your life. It's okay if you decide you want to call the relationship abusive, and also okay if you decide that label doesn't ring true or feel useful for you. The important part is that you decided you'd be better off out of the relationship, and you followed through on that decision.
posted by aka burlap at 11:42 AM on January 14, 2018 [9 favorites]
Good for you. You know what, it doesn't matter that it took you a couple of times to really break up with him. You did it anyway.
Now I try to push this whole thing out of my mind but I constantly find myself on the verge of tears, mostly because I know my boyfriend is devastated by the breakup and I feel so bad for him.
It's not your job to feel bad for him. He is where he is because of his own choices--I mean you gave him another chance and he chose to keep being an asshole. It's your job right now to feel bad for yourself, so turn this into a project of making yourself better and focusing your energy on that.
Three places I've made good friends:
1) Book club. Lots of public libraries have book clubs you can join.
2) Knitting group. Your local yarn store might know of one, or you can find them on Meetup.com. Newbies are usually welcome--you can get a "teach yourself to knit" book or follow YouTube videos to start.
3) Community theatre. In my experience they're always looking for people to help out backstage, and you can get pretty tight with the other volunteers pretty quickly when you're spending every night of a run together.
Good luck! You did the right thing by breaking up with him. Try not to focus on thoughts of having wasted three years with him; you have actually saved yourself an unhappy lifetime by breaking it off when you did.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 11:46 AM on January 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
Now I try to push this whole thing out of my mind but I constantly find myself on the verge of tears, mostly because I know my boyfriend is devastated by the breakup and I feel so bad for him.
It's not your job to feel bad for him. He is where he is because of his own choices--I mean you gave him another chance and he chose to keep being an asshole. It's your job right now to feel bad for yourself, so turn this into a project of making yourself better and focusing your energy on that.
Three places I've made good friends:
1) Book club. Lots of public libraries have book clubs you can join.
2) Knitting group. Your local yarn store might know of one, or you can find them on Meetup.com. Newbies are usually welcome--you can get a "teach yourself to knit" book or follow YouTube videos to start.
3) Community theatre. In my experience they're always looking for people to help out backstage, and you can get pretty tight with the other volunteers pretty quickly when you're spending every night of a run together.
Good luck! You did the right thing by breaking up with him. Try not to focus on thoughts of having wasted three years with him; you have actually saved yourself an unhappy lifetime by breaking it off when you did.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 11:46 AM on January 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
I'll be 27 this year and I feel like such a failure for being single again
Being single has absolutely nothing to do with being a failure. If that's the case, Mother Theresa was a failure and so was Jane Austen, Louisa May Alcott, Susan B Anthony, Joan of Arc and many others. And me and many other notable MeFites. I'm very unhip on modern celebrities but I'm sure there are some good examples there too. I think it might be worthwhile to examine why you feel that you have to be coupled to be okay or successful.
Building a friend group takes a little time and patience but it definitely doable. Your activities sound great and a good way to keep yourself busy while you're dealing with the break up. You might consider some less structured activities like those mentioned above. I have many friends from my local unitarian church - I rarely go to services but I volunteer and go to their events regularly. You do have to sometimes be the person who breaks the ice, says hello, asks someone else to coffee - something that is hard for me.
Good for you ending this toxic relationship. It is normal to feel regret but it sounds like you always had mixed feelings about it. Give yourself time to grieve and take care of yourself.
posted by bunderful at 11:59 AM on January 14, 2018 [5 favorites]
Being single has absolutely nothing to do with being a failure. If that's the case, Mother Theresa was a failure and so was Jane Austen, Louisa May Alcott, Susan B Anthony, Joan of Arc and many others. And me and many other notable MeFites. I'm very unhip on modern celebrities but I'm sure there are some good examples there too. I think it might be worthwhile to examine why you feel that you have to be coupled to be okay or successful.
Building a friend group takes a little time and patience but it definitely doable. Your activities sound great and a good way to keep yourself busy while you're dealing with the break up. You might consider some less structured activities like those mentioned above. I have many friends from my local unitarian church - I rarely go to services but I volunteer and go to their events regularly. You do have to sometimes be the person who breaks the ice, says hello, asks someone else to coffee - something that is hard for me.
Good for you ending this toxic relationship. It is normal to feel regret but it sounds like you always had mixed feelings about it. Give yourself time to grieve and take care of yourself.
posted by bunderful at 11:59 AM on January 14, 2018 [5 favorites]
One of the best things I did after a painful breakup, compounded by moving a brand-new city where I knew exactly no one outside work, was to start going to a monthly science cafe (actually a bar, not a cafe). We listen to a science-themed talk for an hour or so, but because it's a bar, people are constantly entering/leaving, which I felt like gave me permission to bail if I started feeling down. And if I felt up for it, I had people to chat about the talk afterwards, over beers. Eighteen months later, it's one of my favorite events.
My other source of friends as an adult has been my book club, but it took me a while to find a book club that I clicked with. I agree with what others are saying about volunteerism or community-building activities as a good avenue to building friends as well.
posted by basalganglia at 12:13 PM on January 14, 2018 [4 favorites]
My other source of friends as an adult has been my book club, but it took me a while to find a book club that I clicked with. I agree with what others are saying about volunteerism or community-building activities as a good avenue to building friends as well.
posted by basalganglia at 12:13 PM on January 14, 2018 [4 favorites]
I almost wish I could erase him from my memory as in the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
So just a note on this (spoiler alert for anyone who hasn't seen that): Part of the point of that movie is that ultimately, erasing people from one's memory didn't work, and in fact led them to go through the same thing over and over again when they recognized the other person they'd cut out of their life, due to whatever memories they could bury deep in their subconscious during the process of memory eradication. The point is that if you forget, you can end up going through the same pain all over again, either with the same person or someone similar. I totally hear what you're saying—not to sidestep that, because what you're saying is that you're in pain and you wish you could make it stop. But I thought it was interesting that you mentioned that, and I wanted to caution you that burying things or pushing them aside doesn't work.
This is not to say you should cling to the bad memories of things he did and said, but rather that when it comes to toxic relationships, I can tell you from experience that "forgive and forget" is not necessarily an optimal coping strategy, because it leaves you open to being taken advantage of in the same ways, or to going back to something that's not good for you, or for staying in suboptimal situations for too long. Make the list not so you can ruminate on it, but precisely so you don't have to ruminate on it to keep a memory of why what he did was so problematic. Then you can work on not thinking about it as much while trusting that you have a way to remember and remind yourself of why it wasn't a good situation whenever you need it.
So make that list—it can include all your bad feelings about the situation, not just the specific actions he took or things he said. Get it all down. Keep the list safe somewhere and work on moving on. This is how it made you feel; it's important to have a record of that, because that's what you don't want. It can even take that form: Things I Don't Want in a Relationship. That can include ways you feel about yourself when you're with him, or things that his actions made you feel (e.g., embarrassment, self-doubt), or the loneliness and uncertainty you feel now. Those are all valid list items. Then make another list: Things I Want in a Partner. List all the good things you got out of the relationship that you want to find again in a partner. A therapist had me do this once after a devastating series of relationship experiences, and it really helped me define and focus on what I wanted and needed out of my relationships.
What needs do you have? For instance, what I'm reading in your questions is that you want to feel safe, to feel respected, to feel valued, to be able to be yourself, to be taken seriously, to be able to grow within a relationship and not have that downplayed or second-guessed, to be your own woman who has agency to make independent decisions, to feel wanted but not objectified, to feel safe but not overprotected, etc. What things did you like? I'm reading that you liked having a partner who is attractive, gets you flowers, will care for you when you're sick, is helpful when you're working on something, has a sense of humor, gets along with your parents, etc. Did I get any of that wrong or miss anything? I'm sure I did, because I'm not in your head. Add all the things to this second list that you may have thought were aspirational or that you could never get when you settled in with your previous partner, even down to stuff like eye color or hair color or things your future partner might like to do. The list won't be a prescription, but rather a way of defining what you need and want, which is ultimately the most important thing.
Otherwise, people have a lot of great advice already (and I'm sure will have more great advice) about how to get out there and meet people, get active, etc. I remember your last question and I'm so glad you made the decision to move on. Don't beat yourself up over perceived lost time. You're young and have plenty of time to figure things out. Don't compare yourself to where other people you know are in their lives (try not to torture yourself by doing things like looking at all the photos of people's partners and weddings and babies and vacations on social media, for instance, and thinking about how happy they must be—people's social-media posts tend to be performative and aspirational and often show how they wish things were, rather than how they actually are, so keep that in mind). You're on the right path.
posted by limeonaire at 12:41 PM on January 14, 2018 [6 favorites]
So just a note on this (spoiler alert for anyone who hasn't seen that): Part of the point of that movie is that ultimately, erasing people from one's memory didn't work, and in fact led them to go through the same thing over and over again when they recognized the other person they'd cut out of their life, due to whatever memories they could bury deep in their subconscious during the process of memory eradication. The point is that if you forget, you can end up going through the same pain all over again, either with the same person or someone similar. I totally hear what you're saying—not to sidestep that, because what you're saying is that you're in pain and you wish you could make it stop. But I thought it was interesting that you mentioned that, and I wanted to caution you that burying things or pushing them aside doesn't work.
This is not to say you should cling to the bad memories of things he did and said, but rather that when it comes to toxic relationships, I can tell you from experience that "forgive and forget" is not necessarily an optimal coping strategy, because it leaves you open to being taken advantage of in the same ways, or to going back to something that's not good for you, or for staying in suboptimal situations for too long. Make the list not so you can ruminate on it, but precisely so you don't have to ruminate on it to keep a memory of why what he did was so problematic. Then you can work on not thinking about it as much while trusting that you have a way to remember and remind yourself of why it wasn't a good situation whenever you need it.
So make that list—it can include all your bad feelings about the situation, not just the specific actions he took or things he said. Get it all down. Keep the list safe somewhere and work on moving on. This is how it made you feel; it's important to have a record of that, because that's what you don't want. It can even take that form: Things I Don't Want in a Relationship. That can include ways you feel about yourself when you're with him, or things that his actions made you feel (e.g., embarrassment, self-doubt), or the loneliness and uncertainty you feel now. Those are all valid list items. Then make another list: Things I Want in a Partner. List all the good things you got out of the relationship that you want to find again in a partner. A therapist had me do this once after a devastating series of relationship experiences, and it really helped me define and focus on what I wanted and needed out of my relationships.
What needs do you have? For instance, what I'm reading in your questions is that you want to feel safe, to feel respected, to feel valued, to be able to be yourself, to be taken seriously, to be able to grow within a relationship and not have that downplayed or second-guessed, to be your own woman who has agency to make independent decisions, to feel wanted but not objectified, to feel safe but not overprotected, etc. What things did you like? I'm reading that you liked having a partner who is attractive, gets you flowers, will care for you when you're sick, is helpful when you're working on something, has a sense of humor, gets along with your parents, etc. Did I get any of that wrong or miss anything? I'm sure I did, because I'm not in your head. Add all the things to this second list that you may have thought were aspirational or that you could never get when you settled in with your previous partner, even down to stuff like eye color or hair color or things your future partner might like to do. The list won't be a prescription, but rather a way of defining what you need and want, which is ultimately the most important thing.
Otherwise, people have a lot of great advice already (and I'm sure will have more great advice) about how to get out there and meet people, get active, etc. I remember your last question and I'm so glad you made the decision to move on. Don't beat yourself up over perceived lost time. You're young and have plenty of time to figure things out. Don't compare yourself to where other people you know are in their lives (try not to torture yourself by doing things like looking at all the photos of people's partners and weddings and babies and vacations on social media, for instance, and thinking about how happy they must be—people's social-media posts tend to be performative and aspirational and often show how they wish things were, rather than how they actually are, so keep that in mind). You're on the right path.
posted by limeonaire at 12:41 PM on January 14, 2018 [6 favorites]
I am very sorry you are going through this. It is never an easy thing to go through and I sympathize. Everyone's suggestions about reaching out to your family/existing support network, and working to make new friends and build on your network/hobbies/interests, is spot on and I agree wholeheartedly.
I am also going to advocate focusing on self insight and growth which is very important and helpful in finding healing and letting go of the relationship. There is a particular book that helped me process a relationship that is similar to yours in a lot of respects and explained a lot of the feelings that I had during and after it ended. It is called How to Break Your Addiction to a Person: When--and Why--Love Doesn't Work. It sounds super-selfhelpish but it was actually very explanatory and fairly deep (don't be scared off by the usage of the word 'addiction'). It helps us understand the compulsion to hold onto relationships that the mature/adult side of us know is not meeting our needs, but yet this powerful emotional part of us keeps us engaged and trying in vain to get what we need from it. It introduced me to the idea of walking around as an adult with unmet attachment needs from early life. Why do I think this book may be relevant to you? this: I feel awful but at the same time somewhat relieved. This is almost verbatim what the author writes in this book that people report feeling when ending a relationship such as this that lasted based on the reasons he lays out. The insights and explanations that this book provided helped to take the sting off a lot of the pain and made me feel much less alone- hopefully it could do the same for you. It also provides some good discussion on changing what you look for and are attracted to in others to avoid getting into unfulfilling, dysfunctional relationships again.
Also, another quick book recommendation that has just really good information on how we as humans function in relationships is Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love. For many people, just seeing the nuts and bolts of how we are wired can help take the acuteness and immediacy of the pain away- like taking a 30,000ft altitude view of your feelings in and after relationships.
A few practical things to try:
Meditation: It is great at preventing spirals of anxious thinking and promoting positive changes in the brain. It is now recommended by more and more therapists and mental health experts.
Somatic experiencing exercises (self soothing): This and this. They really do work. They can help you from spiraling downward in painful emotions and help support you while you do the processing and introspection that is going to get you to the other side.
All the best to you. There are all kinds of people, places, resources to lean on- both internal and external. You can do this.
posted by incolorinred at 12:58 PM on January 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
I am also going to advocate focusing on self insight and growth which is very important and helpful in finding healing and letting go of the relationship. There is a particular book that helped me process a relationship that is similar to yours in a lot of respects and explained a lot of the feelings that I had during and after it ended. It is called How to Break Your Addiction to a Person: When--and Why--Love Doesn't Work. It sounds super-selfhelpish but it was actually very explanatory and fairly deep (don't be scared off by the usage of the word 'addiction'). It helps us understand the compulsion to hold onto relationships that the mature/adult side of us know is not meeting our needs, but yet this powerful emotional part of us keeps us engaged and trying in vain to get what we need from it. It introduced me to the idea of walking around as an adult with unmet attachment needs from early life. Why do I think this book may be relevant to you? this: I feel awful but at the same time somewhat relieved. This is almost verbatim what the author writes in this book that people report feeling when ending a relationship such as this that lasted based on the reasons he lays out. The insights and explanations that this book provided helped to take the sting off a lot of the pain and made me feel much less alone- hopefully it could do the same for you. It also provides some good discussion on changing what you look for and are attracted to in others to avoid getting into unfulfilling, dysfunctional relationships again.
Also, another quick book recommendation that has just really good information on how we as humans function in relationships is Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love. For many people, just seeing the nuts and bolts of how we are wired can help take the acuteness and immediacy of the pain away- like taking a 30,000ft altitude view of your feelings in and after relationships.
A few practical things to try:
Meditation: It is great at preventing spirals of anxious thinking and promoting positive changes in the brain. It is now recommended by more and more therapists and mental health experts.
Somatic experiencing exercises (self soothing): This and this. They really do work. They can help you from spiraling downward in painful emotions and help support you while you do the processing and introspection that is going to get you to the other side.
All the best to you. There are all kinds of people, places, resources to lean on- both internal and external. You can do this.
posted by incolorinred at 12:58 PM on January 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
I can't give you great advice about meeting people but I can tell you that OF COURSE you will meet lots of new people. You are only 26 years old! You are only just beginning to even be an adult!
I can also tell you that you will look back on this guy and on how sad you are now and be like "lol wtf." Really. I know it seems hard to believe now. I say it as a woman who twice in my 20s was entirely devastated by having broken up with guys who were laughably bad matches (and by the way, even the one who was the biggest loser of the bunch would NEVER have yelled slurs out of a moving car, my god. Your guy was really a piece of work.)
Don't regret the "lost" time. It was just time. You learned a lot. Better to have learned it than not learned it and have to learn it later.
If your job is a bad social match it's ok to consider a larger or younger company where you may find more of a peer group. And yes, online dating is pretty much how it's done these days, as far as I can see.
And if you haven't already fired that therapist with extreme prejudice, do that. She sounds like she should have her license revoked.
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:52 PM on January 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
I can also tell you that you will look back on this guy and on how sad you are now and be like "lol wtf." Really. I know it seems hard to believe now. I say it as a woman who twice in my 20s was entirely devastated by having broken up with guys who were laughably bad matches (and by the way, even the one who was the biggest loser of the bunch would NEVER have yelled slurs out of a moving car, my god. Your guy was really a piece of work.)
Don't regret the "lost" time. It was just time. You learned a lot. Better to have learned it than not learned it and have to learn it later.
If your job is a bad social match it's ok to consider a larger or younger company where you may find more of a peer group. And yes, online dating is pretty much how it's done these days, as far as I can see.
And if you haven't already fired that therapist with extreme prejudice, do that. She sounds like she should have her license revoked.
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:52 PM on January 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
Your ex needs to learn how not to be a terrible, relationship-destroying monster to people, and he can't do that if you remain in a destroyed relationship with him and allow him to continue to be a monster to you--and women he sees wearing skirts on the street!?! You were doing him no favors staying in this thing and enabling his awfulness. Don't feel bad for him: he really needs to be devastated right now. And your parents don't know the whole story. If they did, they'd be delighted with this brave move by you. Nothing could get better for anybody involved in this while you stayed in it. Now things can get better for everyone. Whether they get better for your ex is up to him, but for you, who are in control of you and making sensible decisions? They can definitely get much better.
PS: I know it feels terrible, but: 27 is a baby. 3 years is not even an undergrad degree. Ten years from now it will be like trying to remember the pain of a stubbed toe.
posted by Don Pepino at 2:09 PM on January 14, 2018
PS: I know it feels terrible, but: 27 is a baby. 3 years is not even an undergrad degree. Ten years from now it will be like trying to remember the pain of a stubbed toe.
posted by Don Pepino at 2:09 PM on January 14, 2018
I will keep it short but you are LUCKY because holy shut the best way to make friends with adult women is during a break up. It’s really awkward to try and make friends and just be like “hey, I don’t have many friends here” but if you say “please come over and share a bottle wine with because break ups are the worst” HOLY SHIT PEOPLE SHOW UP. Seriously, I started making REAL friends in my city once I went through a breakup.
posted by raccoon409 at 2:50 PM on January 14, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by raccoon409 at 2:50 PM on January 14, 2018 [5 favorites]
I just want to start by commending you for all the things you’re already doing right: you have interesting hobbies that provide you a creative outlet, at least a couple friends who live with you, and you got out of a relationship that was unhealthy for you. You also walked away from a therapist who either (a) was unspeakably bad at the job or (b) didn’t put you enough at ease to open up about the relevant details of your situation — either way, you recognized a poor fit again, and you knew what to do about it.
Reread that last bit, because it’s SO crucial now: you are getting better and better at recognizing when a situation simply isn’t working and can’t be fixed, and finding a way out. You’ve probably done this in other areas of your life, or will soon in the next decade or so — with big things like jobs and cars, medium things like prescriptions and food allergies, tiny things like deodorant brands and regular brunch places. Remember each time you’ve said, “This doesn’t work for me, so I’m changing it.”
In all sorts of commitments, we often get the message that walking away is always failure, but sometimes it’s the only possible success.
Others have nicely covered strategies for making new connections and strengthening your support system. I just want to highlight your parents, because their possible disappointment seems to be looming over you. Did they only know the charming side of your ex? It’s a natural inclination to gloss over relationship problems with our families of origin; after all, we don’t want them to worry, and we want them to support our decisions and respect our autonomy. Just remember that their loyalty belongs to YOU, and you don’t have to be anyone’s volunteer PR specialist now. Can you make it home for a visit sometime? Can you frame the news as a difficult decision you’re nonetheless proud of, as proof that you know what’s best for you?
Finally, to get him off your mind (or at least reduce his share of your mental pie chart): in addition to your hobbies, you no doubt have goals. Do you have something to look forward to in this new year? It can be anything — a performance, a road race, some travel, a project or workshop... The only requirements are that you have to plan for it in advance and it has to excite you. Find something that pleasantly stretches you, something that makes you just a little nervous, in that giddy “here goes nothin’” way. Remember that feeling of being powerful enough to change your life for the better. Take it out for a joyride; see what else it can do.
posted by armeowda at 3:32 PM on January 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
Reread that last bit, because it’s SO crucial now: you are getting better and better at recognizing when a situation simply isn’t working and can’t be fixed, and finding a way out. You’ve probably done this in other areas of your life, or will soon in the next decade or so — with big things like jobs and cars, medium things like prescriptions and food allergies, tiny things like deodorant brands and regular brunch places. Remember each time you’ve said, “This doesn’t work for me, so I’m changing it.”
In all sorts of commitments, we often get the message that walking away is always failure, but sometimes it’s the only possible success.
Others have nicely covered strategies for making new connections and strengthening your support system. I just want to highlight your parents, because their possible disappointment seems to be looming over you. Did they only know the charming side of your ex? It’s a natural inclination to gloss over relationship problems with our families of origin; after all, we don’t want them to worry, and we want them to support our decisions and respect our autonomy. Just remember that their loyalty belongs to YOU, and you don’t have to be anyone’s volunteer PR specialist now. Can you make it home for a visit sometime? Can you frame the news as a difficult decision you’re nonetheless proud of, as proof that you know what’s best for you?
Finally, to get him off your mind (or at least reduce his share of your mental pie chart): in addition to your hobbies, you no doubt have goals. Do you have something to look forward to in this new year? It can be anything — a performance, a road race, some travel, a project or workshop... The only requirements are that you have to plan for it in advance and it has to excite you. Find something that pleasantly stretches you, something that makes you just a little nervous, in that giddy “here goes nothin’” way. Remember that feeling of being powerful enough to change your life for the better. Take it out for a joyride; see what else it can do.
posted by armeowda at 3:32 PM on January 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
Are you doing homework from your language class and painting? Because just attending the class is fun but going home and every day putting time into vocabulary and struggling through syntax with an online language buddy (there are websites that will match you with people to practise) and painting practices will help you very so much more out of the classes and fill your evenings with doing something, waking up your brain and creativity and becoming someone who dances and paints and speaks a new language. Print out pictures of amazing women who are single in their thirties and forties and inspire toy and pin them to your bedroom wall, cupboard and mirror so you think oh hey, I have something to look forward to. I'm in the company of amazing women.
And write that list. I reread mine twice after writing it and it helped a lot.
Install all the blocking on social media now before you get drunk and weepy. Do it while you are sober and firm, trust me. Ask a steady friend to keep tabs on him online and let you know if he turns stalker crazy or anything vital but otherwise refuse to tell you anything.
Spotify has excellent angry music soundtracks to scream and cry in the shower to.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 4:41 PM on January 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
And write that list. I reread mine twice after writing it and it helped a lot.
Install all the blocking on social media now before you get drunk and weepy. Do it while you are sober and firm, trust me. Ask a steady friend to keep tabs on him online and let you know if he turns stalker crazy or anything vital but otherwise refuse to tell you anything.
Spotify has excellent angry music soundtracks to scream and cry in the shower to.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 4:41 PM on January 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
First of all, meeting people at your age and beyond is hard. It just is. I say that not to discourage you but to get it out of the way up front. I sometimes find I am discouraged about making friends because I have a belief that it is "supposed to be easy" and that there's something wrong with me that I don't have a ton of friends around all the time. It's not easy. That's not about you. You are fine.
But it can be done. I have a few suggestions. I've moved around a lot as an adult and have thought about this a lot as a result.
First, it takes time, by which I don't mean that if you wait around it will happen. I mean that it takes a particular kind of time, which is the time it takes you to start recognizing the same people in the crowd of whatever scene you find that you are participating in, and for them to start recognizing you. People talk about making a good first impression but really I think that you have to make like five or six impressions before you can just walk up to someone and introduce yourself.
If you are in the same room with someone enough times, eventually it it just feels like you _should_ know each other's names. So your goal is to be in the same rooms enough times that you start to sense that, and then you can walk up to them and say "Hi, I'm so-and-so. I feel like I've seen you around town."
You want to wait until it is likely that the person you are introducing yourself to has the same sense of having seen you around town. You don't want to push a one-sided familiarity. So this is something that you just kind of have to feel out, and that will get easier with practice. So practice!
Second, there are people in every city who are connectors by personality or inclination. They are people who are good at introducing people, at feeling people out for common interests. These are people that, probably by virtue of having this trait, everybody seems to know. Once you have started noticing the same people in your social scene, the next step is to identify these connectors. You don't have to _set out_ to make acquaintance with them, although that wouldn't hurt, but you should spot who they are and, eventually, you will make acquaintance and it will probably help you. Remember that these folks occupy the social function that they do because they are friendly and interested in people.
Third, you might not be friends, five years down the road, with any of the first people you meet. In all likelihood you won't be, for a handful of reasons. But they may be the people at the start of a chain of acquaintance that leads you to real friendships and a happy social circle. People introduce you to people who introduce you to people who introduce you to people. Somewhere in there, you find a couple of friends.
Fourth, more people than you think are in the position that you are in. There is a dawning recognition among your (or perhaps our) generation that geographic mobility is not all it is cracked up to be. I think that a lot of people are thinking about their own community or the lack thereof, and are acting more intentionally because of the growing understanding that it is hard to up and make new friends. So know that you are not alone.
Fifth, make your own luck. When you have a handful of acquaintances that you know well enough that it wouldn't be weird, invite people over for dinner (I suggest potluck so you don't have to cook everything) or board games or poetry night or whatever you like. This will have the effect, over time, of actually building community, because community is not just knowing a lot of people. It is knowing people who know each other in turn.
Sixth, pay it forward. Notice the newcomers and make them welcome. Be a connector to the extent that you can. Some of them are newer than you are, even now.
You are going to be fine.
posted by gauche at 6:08 PM on January 14, 2018 [8 favorites]
But it can be done. I have a few suggestions. I've moved around a lot as an adult and have thought about this a lot as a result.
First, it takes time, by which I don't mean that if you wait around it will happen. I mean that it takes a particular kind of time, which is the time it takes you to start recognizing the same people in the crowd of whatever scene you find that you are participating in, and for them to start recognizing you. People talk about making a good first impression but really I think that you have to make like five or six impressions before you can just walk up to someone and introduce yourself.
If you are in the same room with someone enough times, eventually it it just feels like you _should_ know each other's names. So your goal is to be in the same rooms enough times that you start to sense that, and then you can walk up to them and say "Hi, I'm so-and-so. I feel like I've seen you around town."
You want to wait until it is likely that the person you are introducing yourself to has the same sense of having seen you around town. You don't want to push a one-sided familiarity. So this is something that you just kind of have to feel out, and that will get easier with practice. So practice!
Second, there are people in every city who are connectors by personality or inclination. They are people who are good at introducing people, at feeling people out for common interests. These are people that, probably by virtue of having this trait, everybody seems to know. Once you have started noticing the same people in your social scene, the next step is to identify these connectors. You don't have to _set out_ to make acquaintance with them, although that wouldn't hurt, but you should spot who they are and, eventually, you will make acquaintance and it will probably help you. Remember that these folks occupy the social function that they do because they are friendly and interested in people.
Third, you might not be friends, five years down the road, with any of the first people you meet. In all likelihood you won't be, for a handful of reasons. But they may be the people at the start of a chain of acquaintance that leads you to real friendships and a happy social circle. People introduce you to people who introduce you to people who introduce you to people. Somewhere in there, you find a couple of friends.
Fourth, more people than you think are in the position that you are in. There is a dawning recognition among your (or perhaps our) generation that geographic mobility is not all it is cracked up to be. I think that a lot of people are thinking about their own community or the lack thereof, and are acting more intentionally because of the growing understanding that it is hard to up and make new friends. So know that you are not alone.
Fifth, make your own luck. When you have a handful of acquaintances that you know well enough that it wouldn't be weird, invite people over for dinner (I suggest potluck so you don't have to cook everything) or board games or poetry night or whatever you like. This will have the effect, over time, of actually building community, because community is not just knowing a lot of people. It is knowing people who know each other in turn.
Sixth, pay it forward. Notice the newcomers and make them welcome. Be a connector to the extent that you can. Some of them are newer than you are, even now.
You are going to be fine.
posted by gauche at 6:08 PM on January 14, 2018 [8 favorites]
First off, you can do this. I left a 10 year relationship that had turned abusive, and like you I had almost no support network. It took work to build one and I had to take chances.
I have a few hobbies that I participate in every week (ballet, painting course and a language class), but none of these seem to be a good place to make friends (after each lesson people just pack their stuff and leave)
You have a lot going on! I would approach the person you like the most and ask them to go for coffee (a drink may seem too date-like). You already have at least one thing to talk about. You may not gel, but you can keep trying. I wouldn't rule out people 10 years older; there's really not that much difference between 27 and 37.
I'm surprised you're thinking about dating after only a week. I would give it six months at least; abusive relationships take a lot of work to recover from and it's likely you'll just repeat the pattern if you don't consciously work on it first.
posted by AFABulous at 6:11 PM on January 14, 2018 [6 favorites]
I have a few hobbies that I participate in every week (ballet, painting course and a language class), but none of these seem to be a good place to make friends (after each lesson people just pack their stuff and leave)
You have a lot going on! I would approach the person you like the most and ask them to go for coffee (a drink may seem too date-like). You already have at least one thing to talk about. You may not gel, but you can keep trying. I wouldn't rule out people 10 years older; there's really not that much difference between 27 and 37.
I'm surprised you're thinking about dating after only a week. I would give it six months at least; abusive relationships take a lot of work to recover from and it's likely you'll just repeat the pattern if you don't consciously work on it first.
posted by AFABulous at 6:11 PM on January 14, 2018 [6 favorites]
One thing I’d add is: give yourself time to grieve. Regardless of whether the relationship was good for you or not, it’s still a loss. After exiting the abusive relationship I was in, I was useless for about 2-3 months - I literally did nothing but work, eat and watch terrible movies one after the other. Then there was about a year of feeling emotionally wobbly while making new friends and connections. Everybody’s timeline for healing is different, so please allow yourself time to heal and mourn and be sad.
posted by eustacescrubb at 5:43 AM on January 15, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by eustacescrubb at 5:43 AM on January 15, 2018 [5 favorites]
What helped me when I was looking to date again after my long-term LDR dissolved was to make a list of things that my ex did that I now knew were definite deal breakers going forward. This had the two-fold effect of reminding me of the things he did that sucked (or at least were incompatible with my idea of what a partnership entailed) and giving me a little bit of a road map for meeting future people. It doesn't have to be a long list, and the things on it can be anything from "doesn't mansplain comic books to me" to "gets haircuts on a regular basis unprompted", but having some concrete preferences can help provide some structure in scary new waters. Good luck!
posted by helloimjennsco at 8:10 AM on January 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by helloimjennsco at 8:10 AM on January 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks again everyone. I joined a few meetup groups in my city and hopefully I can find some friendly people this way, or at least keep myself distracted by going to some of these events. I actually went to one this weekend but ended up slightly disappointed - it seems to me that most of the people there were single men looking for a partner, and it is just way too soon for me to start seriously thinking about dating again. Hopefully I'll be able to meet some like-minded girls next time.
Thanks for the support!
posted by U.N.Owen at 7:15 AM on January 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
Thanks for the support!
posted by U.N.Owen at 7:15 AM on January 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
A few pieces of advice:
- Don't be afraid to let the friends you do have know you need the support. It doesn't have to be a big heavy thing, but maybe with people like the friends you are living with, something like "hey, I'm feeling pretty raw from breaking up, could we do something this weekend to help take my mind off it?"
- I read somewhere that the key to making new friends was having regular, unplanned contact with people and working on something together. So things where you are actually working on a project together are better than classes. If you like dance, are there amateur-level dance troupes you can get involved in? For instance, I've made a few friends from being a member of my local community choir. IME classes can be good if it's something you're all really interested in and there are opportunities in the class for interaction - right now I'm doing a continuing education/professional certification program, and people are very friendly with each other because we have the same professional interests. Very different from just taking, say, a yoga class once a week.
In general, I would look for things that emphasize working together or community building.
- I know you had one terrible therapy experience (seriously, if you told her what you told us, that was criminally bad advice), but if you are struggling to stay broken up, I would definitely recommend seeing a different therapist who can help you come up with some strategies.
posted by lunasol at 11:23 AM on January 14, 2018 [2 favorites]