Do I include a painful relative in an obituary if he ghosted everyone?
January 14, 2018 4:17 AM Subscribe
When my dad dies, he leaves behind a sibling he did not know for decades even existed, one who appeared and then has ghosted him and the rest of us. My mentioning him in an obituary as a family member will infuriate my sister and he might not care, anyway. But what if he does?
My father is in the last stages of life and as the executor, I am beginning preparations for funeral, obituary, etc. A decade ago, a man came forward who explained he was my dad’s secret half-brother from an overseas affair their shared father had some 80 years ago. My dad and I saw paperwork and photos confirming this, and while Dad had many conflicting feelings about finding out his father had betrayed his mother in such a fashion, he was overall gently welcoming and they stayed in touch (they met just once for coffee, and then emailed sometimes, but it was a very superficial relationship) until Dad fell ill. This Secret Uncle had no relationship with my grandfather/their shared father after his birth. Neither my dad nor I met any family on Secret Uncle's side, nor have we ever been in touch. Secret Uncle made contact, showed up and was on his way again within hours, never to be seen again.
While I was interested to meet him, my sister, who did not meet him, has loathed the entire reveal as it placed our long-gone grandfather in what she considered was a horrifying betrayal to his first/our family. She has very strong feelings about this, which I respect.
Surprise Uncle was in email contact with me for about a year, and then stopped responding to Christmas cards and emails from me and my dad several years ago, though he still sends a generic greeting card to my dad yearly. We don't know why he faded away, but it does appear via social media peeking I've done that Uncle is still alive. We are not connected via social media or in any way.
When our dad dies, my sister will likely be terribly upset if I attempt to include information about this uncle (Ex: “Parent is survived by Anon, Anon’s Sister, and Secret Uncle.”). Dad is not in a state to indicate wishes of any sort. I lost contact with Secret Uncle several years ago, as explained above, so I know I don’t have to include him, but I also do not want to hurt him if he does discover that he wasn’t listed as a relative of dad's or mentioned in some way. That just seems like what one should do. But then again, he seems to have gotten what he wanted-meeting his sibling, and then dropped us for whatever reason. Maybe he's over it.
Do I include Secret Uncle in the obit? I really lean toward not doing so, as my sister’s wishes are so, so important to me, and he was only “in” the family for a few months, in a vague way, and does not seem attached to us or Dad now. But what if he IS hurt? I don’t want to reject someone who felt rejected on a much bigger level for decades by being this big secret.
I don’t want to hurt anyone. If I include him, I upset my sister. If I exclude him, I potentially hurt him. Should he only be included as a someone left behind if he's an active member of the family? Is that the yardstick for these things?
My father is in the last stages of life and as the executor, I am beginning preparations for funeral, obituary, etc. A decade ago, a man came forward who explained he was my dad’s secret half-brother from an overseas affair their shared father had some 80 years ago. My dad and I saw paperwork and photos confirming this, and while Dad had many conflicting feelings about finding out his father had betrayed his mother in such a fashion, he was overall gently welcoming and they stayed in touch (they met just once for coffee, and then emailed sometimes, but it was a very superficial relationship) until Dad fell ill. This Secret Uncle had no relationship with my grandfather/their shared father after his birth. Neither my dad nor I met any family on Secret Uncle's side, nor have we ever been in touch. Secret Uncle made contact, showed up and was on his way again within hours, never to be seen again.
While I was interested to meet him, my sister, who did not meet him, has loathed the entire reveal as it placed our long-gone grandfather in what she considered was a horrifying betrayal to his first/our family. She has very strong feelings about this, which I respect.
Surprise Uncle was in email contact with me for about a year, and then stopped responding to Christmas cards and emails from me and my dad several years ago, though he still sends a generic greeting card to my dad yearly. We don't know why he faded away, but it does appear via social media peeking I've done that Uncle is still alive. We are not connected via social media or in any way.
When our dad dies, my sister will likely be terribly upset if I attempt to include information about this uncle (Ex: “Parent is survived by Anon, Anon’s Sister, and Secret Uncle.”). Dad is not in a state to indicate wishes of any sort. I lost contact with Secret Uncle several years ago, as explained above, so I know I don’t have to include him, but I also do not want to hurt him if he does discover that he wasn’t listed as a relative of dad's or mentioned in some way. That just seems like what one should do. But then again, he seems to have gotten what he wanted-meeting his sibling, and then dropped us for whatever reason. Maybe he's over it.
Do I include Secret Uncle in the obit? I really lean toward not doing so, as my sister’s wishes are so, so important to me, and he was only “in” the family for a few months, in a vague way, and does not seem attached to us or Dad now. But what if he IS hurt? I don’t want to reject someone who felt rejected on a much bigger level for decades by being this big secret.
I don’t want to hurt anyone. If I include him, I upset my sister. If I exclude him, I potentially hurt him. Should he only be included as a someone left behind if he's an active member of the family? Is that the yardstick for these things?
Hmm. I'd probably leave him off. I don't think it takes much explaining. You're close to your sister and never even met secret uncle. Whose feelings are more important then?
posted by chasles at 4:41 AM on January 14, 2018 [13 favorites]
posted by chasles at 4:41 AM on January 14, 2018 [13 favorites]
I would do whatever makes it easier for those who will be grieving your father's loss. Maybe word it "he will be missed by ..." if you leave uncle Anon out.
Somebody should reach out and let your uncle know when your father dies but I believe the priority should be on what feels best for those who were close.
posted by InkaLomax at 4:41 AM on January 14, 2018 [13 favorites]
Somebody should reach out and let your uncle know when your father dies but I believe the priority should be on what feels best for those who were close.
posted by InkaLomax at 4:41 AM on January 14, 2018 [13 favorites]
I think if ghosting uncle’s feelings are important enough to be considered, an opportunity to say a last farewell to his brother would be the best option. Then play it by ear/your sisters ear. Have you told you told him his brother is dying ?
posted by taff at 4:46 AM on January 14, 2018 [17 favorites]
posted by taff at 4:46 AM on January 14, 2018 [17 favorites]
Obituaries are for the living, even if they're of the dead, and they're not meant to serve as an official record of a life so much as a gentle memorial. In this case, you should feel no qualms about leaving your barely-known uncle out.
posted by tapir-whorf at 4:47 AM on January 14, 2018 [43 favorites]
posted by tapir-whorf at 4:47 AM on January 14, 2018 [43 favorites]
IMO you should tell the truth, because secrets hurt people. Then they get hurt all over again when the secret leaks out in some way that you can't influence.
Maybe you can say it like this: "He leaves his two children, Anon and Anon's Sister. Late in life, he also learned of the existence of a half-brother, Secret Uncle."
You should also try to get a message to Secret Uncle that his half-brother is dying. His response might give you further clues about how to handle this, but that's unrelated to his right to know what's happening.
You have my sympathy at this difficult time.
posted by rd45 at 6:20 AM on January 14, 2018 [15 favorites]
Maybe you can say it like this: "He leaves his two children, Anon and Anon's Sister. Late in life, he also learned of the existence of a half-brother, Secret Uncle."
You should also try to get a message to Secret Uncle that his half-brother is dying. His response might give you further clues about how to handle this, but that's unrelated to his right to know what's happening.
You have my sympathy at this difficult time.
posted by rd45 at 6:20 AM on January 14, 2018 [15 favorites]
Also useful for future historians.
posted by PinkMoose at 6:29 AM on January 14, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by PinkMoose at 6:29 AM on January 14, 2018 [5 favorites]
Your sister is being ridiculous. Sounds like Secret Uncle got screwed out of having a dad and there are probably a lot of complicated feelings that go along with that which might explain the ghosting. He did nothing wrong and leaving him out of the obituary is unnecessarily hurtful.
posted by amro at 6:30 AM on January 14, 2018 [12 favorites]
posted by amro at 6:30 AM on January 14, 2018 [12 favorites]
Do you know Secret Uncle would want to be included in the obituary?
posted by devinemissk at 6:51 AM on January 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by devinemissk at 6:51 AM on January 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
I vote not to include him. Obituaries are a record of someone's life, and the people listed in them are the people who were significant to that person and who mourn that person's loss. They're not an official inventory of a person's blood relations. It sucks that your secret uncle wasn't able to have that kind of relationship with your dad, but he didn't. He met your father once. You can tack on something at the end of the list of survivors like "and many other friends and family members" and figure he's included in that.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 7:03 AM on January 14, 2018 [14 favorites]
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 7:03 AM on January 14, 2018 [14 favorites]
I think you should honor your dad's wishes. What does he want? Can you go over a version of his obituary with him soon? (This may sound morbid to younger people but is something I've learned older folks commonly do.) Why not ask your dad if he'd like for you to make contact with this brother or even just contact the brother yourself and see if he'd like to reach out?
FWIW, your dad's secret half-brother had every right to disappear after having made that initial contact. Clearly, it was an uncomfortable situation for him. Honestly, it sounds like the brother is dealing with it very well and is thoughtful to send that generic holiday card, which is par for the course for more distant but thoughtful extended family. That's not really ghosting but rather keeping it casual and low-pressure.
Your sister can feel however she does but it is very unfair of her to punish the child -- even if he's an adult -- for the mistake of a parent. Based on your description, this uncle was not abusive or inappropriate so her wishes are about protecting a false image of your grandfather who passed many years ago. But whatever, do what feels best to you. There are ways to side-step this: you can also include a line in the obit such as "Also surviving [Father] are many more dear friends and family members."
posted by smorgasbord at 7:05 AM on January 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
FWIW, your dad's secret half-brother had every right to disappear after having made that initial contact. Clearly, it was an uncomfortable situation for him. Honestly, it sounds like the brother is dealing with it very well and is thoughtful to send that generic holiday card, which is par for the course for more distant but thoughtful extended family. That's not really ghosting but rather keeping it casual and low-pressure.
Your sister can feel however she does but it is very unfair of her to punish the child -- even if he's an adult -- for the mistake of a parent. Based on your description, this uncle was not abusive or inappropriate so her wishes are about protecting a false image of your grandfather who passed many years ago. But whatever, do what feels best to you. There are ways to side-step this: you can also include a line in the obit such as "Also surviving [Father] are many more dear friends and family members."
posted by smorgasbord at 7:05 AM on January 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
Smorgasbord: Dad is not in a state to indicate wishes of any sort.
posted by InkaLomax at 7:11 AM on January 14, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by InkaLomax at 7:11 AM on January 14, 2018 [7 favorites]
Thanks for the clarification, InkaLomax. I still stand by all of my advice with the update of "What do you think your dad would want?"
posted by smorgasbord at 7:14 AM on January 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by smorgasbord at 7:14 AM on January 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
Trust your heart.
I think you can include the uncle in spirit, without naming him directly. If I were in your position I would include the most direct, active family members by name, and then add some verbiage about other much-loved family and and friends (or maybe extended family and friends).
As someone who has been left out of close blood-relatives obituaries under not dis-similar circumstances, I have the utmost understanding if you were to exclude referencing the uncle by name (or at all). I can imagine a scenario where folks sending sympathy cards or attending a memorial service might inquire about how said uncle were doing if they were to read about him. I imagine you would prefer to spend time with those people remembering your dad and his life, instead of spending that time discussing the family tree.
Also, there is no way to know for certain whether including his name might actually be more painful for Surprise Uncle than if you were to exclude him.
posted by TheCavorter at 7:15 AM on January 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
I think you can include the uncle in spirit, without naming him directly. If I were in your position I would include the most direct, active family members by name, and then add some verbiage about other much-loved family and and friends (or maybe extended family and friends).
As someone who has been left out of close blood-relatives obituaries under not dis-similar circumstances, I have the utmost understanding if you were to exclude referencing the uncle by name (or at all). I can imagine a scenario where folks sending sympathy cards or attending a memorial service might inquire about how said uncle were doing if they were to read about him. I imagine you would prefer to spend time with those people remembering your dad and his life, instead of spending that time discussing the family tree.
Also, there is no way to know for certain whether including his name might actually be more painful for Surprise Uncle than if you were to exclude him.
posted by TheCavorter at 7:15 AM on January 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
Your sister can feel however she does but it is very unfair of her to punish the child -- even if he's an adult -- for the mistake of a parent.It is not "punishing" someone to fail to list them as a brother in the obituary of someone to whom they never functioned as a brother. It may, however, be punishing the sister to raise this issue at a time when she is grieving. I think it's very likely that people are going to notice and comment. "Hey, I didn't know that your dad, Bob Smith, had a brother called Giuseppi Rinaldi from Parma, Italy. What's the story with that?" And then they get to spend the day of their dad's funeral explaining the salacious story about their grandfather's infidelity, rather than mourning their dad.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 7:16 AM on January 14, 2018 [18 favorites]
It's worth remembering that nowadays, obituaries are published online and any names within them become searchable via Google, etc. For someone with a fairly unique name and an otherwise light web presence, this can mean the obit is one of their top search hits. Consider that your secret Uncle may not wish to be forever linked to a family he was not actually part of in real life. He may not have shared this information with anyone in his own family. Is this really your story to tell? In this particular manner?
posted by Jemstar at 7:42 AM on January 14, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by Jemstar at 7:42 AM on January 14, 2018 [6 favorites]
Your job right now (and for some time to come) is too challenging for you to worry about things like this. Do you consider this man a real part of your family? Then include him. If you don't, don't.
An obit doesn't have to serve as The Ultimate Truth when it comes to who is family and who is not. It's just a death notice.
Be gentle with yourself. This is some hard stuff.
posted by 41swans at 7:42 AM on January 14, 2018 [5 favorites]
An obit doesn't have to serve as The Ultimate Truth when it comes to who is family and who is not. It's just a death notice.
Be gentle with yourself. This is some hard stuff.
posted by 41swans at 7:42 AM on January 14, 2018 [5 favorites]
If you think it's what your dad would want, I'd mention your uncle in a very matter-of-fact way, i.e. "he will be greatly missed by his children, XXX. He is also survived by his half-brother YYY."
You don't have to give him any "credit" for being in your dad's life, or use any language that implies an emotional connection, but his existence, and his blood relationship to your father, is a fact.
posted by rpfields at 7:43 AM on January 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
You don't have to give him any "credit" for being in your dad's life, or use any language that implies an emotional connection, but his existence, and his blood relationship to your father, is a fact.
posted by rpfields at 7:43 AM on January 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
I don’t want to hurt anyone.
That may not be an option and you, yourself, are hurting. My mother wrote her own obituary before she died and wow was it helpful. My foster brother took offense at being called a foster brother and it was SO much easier to say "Well that may feel weird and I am sorry but that is how she wrote it"
So, if it were me, and using my own moral compass, I would leave Secret Uncle off and if it comes up in the future somehow, just say that is what your dad wanted. I'm aware this may not work for everyone, but I'd think of it as a way to be kind to yourself, kind to the people whose feelings you are trying to be mindful of, and fairly accurate to the historical record.
You might also want to run this idea past MeFi's Own ColdChef who has gone through similarly complicated processes thousands of time and might be able to give better advice. Feel free to MeFi Mail me if you'd like his number. I am sorry for what you are going through, it's very hard.
posted by jessamyn at 7:50 AM on January 14, 2018 [9 favorites]
That may not be an option and you, yourself, are hurting. My mother wrote her own obituary before she died and wow was it helpful. My foster brother took offense at being called a foster brother and it was SO much easier to say "Well that may feel weird and I am sorry but that is how she wrote it"
So, if it were me, and using my own moral compass, I would leave Secret Uncle off and if it comes up in the future somehow, just say that is what your dad wanted. I'm aware this may not work for everyone, but I'd think of it as a way to be kind to yourself, kind to the people whose feelings you are trying to be mindful of, and fairly accurate to the historical record.
You might also want to run this idea past MeFi's Own ColdChef who has gone through similarly complicated processes thousands of time and might be able to give better advice. Feel free to MeFi Mail me if you'd like his number. I am sorry for what you are going through, it's very hard.
posted by jessamyn at 7:50 AM on January 14, 2018 [9 favorites]
Hi! I’m a secret child just like Secret Uncle, except I come from a very brief first marriage, and while I know about the half siblings I have through my father’s second marriage, I have never met them. Frankly, even if I did meet them, I doubt we could ever be close, and if any of them died, I would not be offended in the least to not be listed as surviving family in their obit. I’m going to guess that Secret Uncle would not be offended either. Obits are for listing the people who had the most significant connection with the deceased. Secret Uncle has decided not to be close to your family, for his own reasons, and therefore is probably not expecting to be included in an obit.
If you want to make the effort (and are prepared to be rebuffed), you could reach out to Secret Uncle via social media and let him know about your father’s prognosis. But truly, if Secret Uncle was especially concerned about being named in an obit, he’d be there with you, helping out. I think it would be okay to leave him out of it, and then apologize and blame the “error” on grief if ever called out on it. But my gut tells me he won’t mind.
posted by palomar at 8:04 AM on January 14, 2018 [5 favorites]
If you want to make the effort (and are prepared to be rebuffed), you could reach out to Secret Uncle via social media and let him know about your father’s prognosis. But truly, if Secret Uncle was especially concerned about being named in an obit, he’d be there with you, helping out. I think it would be okay to leave him out of it, and then apologize and blame the “error” on grief if ever called out on it. But my gut tells me he won’t mind.
posted by palomar at 8:04 AM on January 14, 2018 [5 favorites]
The math here is really easy. Secret half brother miiiight care about being left off the obit, if he even ever sees it, but probably not; he doesn't even respond to nice overtures made during life.
Sister, whose father is dying, will care very much, and contrary to what someone said above, she's not being "ridiculous"; she doesn't want to spend her mourning fielding questions about grandpop's sexy secret. This is perfectly reasonable and it would be perverse to force the issue.
Do not do this.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:10 AM on January 14, 2018 [15 favorites]
Sister, whose father is dying, will care very much, and contrary to what someone said above, she's not being "ridiculous"; she doesn't want to spend her mourning fielding questions about grandpop's sexy secret. This is perfectly reasonable and it would be perverse to force the issue.
Do not do this.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:10 AM on January 14, 2018 [15 favorites]
I am also a Secret Child. Although I share genes with a family I barely know, we don't share much of a history. I agree with Palomar, although I should say that we don't necessarily represent Secret Children everywhere.
That being said, your sister's desire to exclude Secret Uncle is childish, but the result (no mention in the obit) is the right choice.
posted by Elly Vortex at 8:16 AM on January 14, 2018 [7 favorites]
That being said, your sister's desire to exclude Secret Uncle is childish, but the result (no mention in the obit) is the right choice.
posted by Elly Vortex at 8:16 AM on January 14, 2018 [7 favorites]
Absolutely include him. It's a formality that relatives are listed at all, and there's no reason not to. Your sister needs to move on with her life and not be mad about what her grandparents did many years ago presumably before she even existed. Furthermore, this guy didn't have a say in the circumstances of his conception. What a petty thing to hold against someone.
posted by so fucking future at 9:01 AM on January 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by so fucking future at 9:01 AM on January 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
If you're under too much strain to want to worry about this, don't. but if his half-brother is going to be upset by anything, it won't be getting left out of the obituary; it will be not being told his half-brother is dying. It sounds like nobody has informed him. it also sounds like they're not close enough for you to have to worry about a surprise visit and whatever consequent inappropriate reaction your sister might choose to make your problem. but if you still have his email address and want to do something, you could let him know. Don't consult your sister about this.
Give in to your sister's wishes on little things, like the obit, to make life easier for yourself. but inform the brother when your father dies; before that, if you can. He's the one who took all the initiative to seek out and find your father; you say he still sends cards to him every year -- don't let him find out about your dad's sickness and death from an obituary. whether his own name is in it or not will be the least upsetting thing about it.
posted by queenofbithynia at 9:04 AM on January 14, 2018 [14 favorites]
Give in to your sister's wishes on little things, like the obit, to make life easier for yourself. but inform the brother when your father dies; before that, if you can. He's the one who took all the initiative to seek out and find your father; you say he still sends cards to him every year -- don't let him find out about your dad's sickness and death from an obituary. whether his own name is in it or not will be the least upsetting thing about it.
posted by queenofbithynia at 9:04 AM on January 14, 2018 [14 favorites]
> I vote not to include him. Obituaries are a record of someone's life, and the people listed in them are the people who were significant to that person and who mourn that person's loss. They're not an official inventory of a person's blood relations.
Exactly right. And I really don't understand people who are being judgy about the sister; she has a right to feel however she feels.
posted by languagehat at 9:24 AM on January 14, 2018 [7 favorites]
Exactly right. And I really don't understand people who are being judgy about the sister; she has a right to feel however she feels.
posted by languagehat at 9:24 AM on January 14, 2018 [7 favorites]
Personally I'd prioritize your relationship with your sister and leave him out.
I have not lost my parents, but I have watched other people lose theirs. People act very unusually in times of intense grief and sometimes regress a bit, emotionally. Insisting that they should be rational and reasonable (especially over something that was a sore point anyway) is not likely to be productive. Bitter feuds develop and people stop talking for years over small, petty things - including actions performed by decent people with the best of intentions. It does not have to be rationally based to have very real consequences.
During his life, did your father share the information about his brother with other people, such as the people who will be attending the funeral? Did he openly tell folks "I just found out I have a brother!" It doesn't really sound like it from your description, and it doesn't sound as if your uncle did either. That should give you an indication. You might also consider whether your uncle would want to be outed in an obituary. If he kept his origins a secret from his circle, and if he is named in a will, a simple google will undo that.
I'm so sorry.
posted by bunderful at 9:26 AM on January 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
I have not lost my parents, but I have watched other people lose theirs. People act very unusually in times of intense grief and sometimes regress a bit, emotionally. Insisting that they should be rational and reasonable (especially over something that was a sore point anyway) is not likely to be productive. Bitter feuds develop and people stop talking for years over small, petty things - including actions performed by decent people with the best of intentions. It does not have to be rationally based to have very real consequences.
During his life, did your father share the information about his brother with other people, such as the people who will be attending the funeral? Did he openly tell folks "I just found out I have a brother!" It doesn't really sound like it from your description, and it doesn't sound as if your uncle did either. That should give you an indication. You might also consider whether your uncle would want to be outed in an obituary. If he kept his origins a secret from his circle, and if he is named in a will, a simple google will undo that.
I'm so sorry.
posted by bunderful at 9:26 AM on January 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
"And then they get to spend the day of their dad's funeral explaining the salacious story about their grandfather's infidelity, rather than mourning their dad."
Anyone who would bring this up at your father's funeral would be a jerk. You can choose whether or not to include the half-brother out of respect for your sister's feelings but you should never feel pressured to exclude by the threat of potential petty gossip. Life is complicated and people can deal. Do what feels best to you: you can always write two versions of the obituary and then take a family vote when the time comes.
Clearly, you are a very caring child, sibling, and niece/nephew, and that's what counts. It's also why your father chose you to be the executor: he trusts you and your decisions, and would surely respect and appreciate whatever choice you make here. My condolences to you and your family at this difficult time.
posted by smorgasbord at 9:28 AM on January 14, 2018 [5 favorites]
Anyone who would bring this up at your father's funeral would be a jerk. You can choose whether or not to include the half-brother out of respect for your sister's feelings but you should never feel pressured to exclude by the threat of potential petty gossip. Life is complicated and people can deal. Do what feels best to you: you can always write two versions of the obituary and then take a family vote when the time comes.
Clearly, you are a very caring child, sibling, and niece/nephew, and that's what counts. It's also why your father chose you to be the executor: he trusts you and your decisions, and would surely respect and appreciate whatever choice you make here. My condolences to you and your family at this difficult time.
posted by smorgasbord at 9:28 AM on January 14, 2018 [5 favorites]
If you think your sister or others would be bothered by the specific inclusion of uncle, you could instead word the notice as " family left behind (or surviving family) include ..." where you don't name uncle. It does not specifically include him but does not specifically exclude him as well.
I'm sorry about your dad.
posted by vignettist at 10:13 AM on January 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry about your dad.
posted by vignettist at 10:13 AM on January 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
Your sister is being ridiculous.
I mean, yeah. But it also sounds like your sister might be fixating on her anger at your uncle's existence as a way of coping with bereavement. This is the kind of irrational grief behavior that can easily escalate to high drama, and if leaving your uncle out of the printed obit will head it off, you have this internet stranger's permission to do so.
That being said, if you're worried about your uncle being shunned unfairly from the family during this time, I think you should make an effort to contact him and let him know that your father is dying. You don't know why he ghosted on the family, and if he's nearing 80, you don't know what kind of health situation he's in himself-- I know I fell behind on learning that semi-estranged family members were seriously ill because our only contact was through facebook and a close family member of theirs was maintaining their account, focusing on news and positive interactions without disclosing their illness. He may have suddenly dropped your family, or he might himself have fallen ill and a spouse is sending generic cards to everyone in his address book.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 10:15 AM on January 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
I mean, yeah. But it also sounds like your sister might be fixating on her anger at your uncle's existence as a way of coping with bereavement. This is the kind of irrational grief behavior that can easily escalate to high drama, and if leaving your uncle out of the printed obit will head it off, you have this internet stranger's permission to do so.
That being said, if you're worried about your uncle being shunned unfairly from the family during this time, I think you should make an effort to contact him and let him know that your father is dying. You don't know why he ghosted on the family, and if he's nearing 80, you don't know what kind of health situation he's in himself-- I know I fell behind on learning that semi-estranged family members were seriously ill because our only contact was through facebook and a close family member of theirs was maintaining their account, focusing on news and positive interactions without disclosing their illness. He may have suddenly dropped your family, or he might himself have fallen ill and a spouse is sending generic cards to everyone in his address book.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 10:15 AM on January 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
It seems to me that your dad's half brother has made it pretty clear that he does not want to be considered part of your family. It's possible he may not want this part of his past outed for him online. It sounds like he contacted your dad out of curiosity, satisfied that curiosity and moved on.. I say go with your sister's feelings rather that the maybe/what if feelings of a man who doesn't answer your emails.
posted by BoscosMom at 10:43 AM on January 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by BoscosMom at 10:43 AM on January 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
I think under the circumstances, if he is not responding to you-especially if you let him know dad is dying-I would leave him off.
Have you directly asked your sister about the obit specifically? If not, do that. She might surprise you.
And I agree that the last thing you want to happen when your dad does pass is have to deal with the curiousity of others regarding secret brother. Just because it would be crass to bring it up does not mean people will leave the topic alone. People can be ridiculous at funerals.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 10:56 AM on January 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
Have you directly asked your sister about the obit specifically? If not, do that. She might surprise you.
And I agree that the last thing you want to happen when your dad does pass is have to deal with the curiousity of others regarding secret brother. Just because it would be crass to bring it up does not mean people will leave the topic alone. People can be ridiculous at funerals.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 10:56 AM on January 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
I think it would be in poor taste to include Secret Uncle. It may seem like drama-stirring, even though I know you have the very best intentions.
posted by Knowyournuts at 11:20 AM on January 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by Knowyournuts at 11:20 AM on January 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
Just because it would be crass to bring it up does not mean people will leave the topic alone. People can be ridiculous at funerals.
Yeah, basing decisions on how people *should* behave is a recipe for disappointment.
posted by bunderful at 12:02 PM on January 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
Yeah, basing decisions on how people *should* behave is a recipe for disappointment.
posted by bunderful at 12:02 PM on January 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
Secret uncle has made it pretty clear that he does not want to be close to your part of the family, I really doubt he'd be happy to be included in the obit. It would be a kindness to notify him, and reach out privately, but including him publicly will likely upset him just as much as it upsets your sister.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 12:18 PM on January 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 12:18 PM on January 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
Another vote to leave him out, assuming you don’t hear from him. This might be a secret to people he knows as well. If he contacts you, you can say that you were concerned about invading his privacy. As noted above, the obituary will come up if someone he knows searches for him.
But also agree that you should try to let him know his brother is dying. Even if he’s sending just one card a year to your dad, that’s not completely ghosting. And if he does respond, you can ask him about the obituary. In that case, if he wants to be included, I’d include him. Your sister doesn’t get to rewrite history. And it’s not like anyone now would be completely horrified by an affair that took place eighty years ago.
And sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else. I hope someone is looking out for your feelings.
posted by FencingGal at 12:39 PM on January 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
But also agree that you should try to let him know his brother is dying. Even if he’s sending just one card a year to your dad, that’s not completely ghosting. And if he does respond, you can ask him about the obituary. In that case, if he wants to be included, I’d include him. Your sister doesn’t get to rewrite history. And it’s not like anyone now would be completely horrified by an affair that took place eighty years ago.
And sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else. I hope someone is looking out for your feelings.
posted by FencingGal at 12:39 PM on January 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
IF, and only if, you are sure of the facts (and it seems you are) - put him in. Sister will be upset, that is ok, she IS upset with the situation but that does not change reality.
Family secrets cause a great deal of anguish, for example Secret Uncle`s children/relatives may wish to contact you/yours in the future and if this is buried now such events will be all the more traumatic.
posted by GeeEmm at 2:18 PM on January 14, 2018
Family secrets cause a great deal of anguish, for example Secret Uncle`s children/relatives may wish to contact you/yours in the future and if this is buried now such events will be all the more traumatic.
posted by GeeEmm at 2:18 PM on January 14, 2018
Do I include Secret Uncle in the obit? I really lean toward not doing so, as my sister’s wishes are so, so important to me, and he was only “in” the family for a few months, in a vague way, and does not seem attached to us or Dad now. But what if he IS hurt? I don’t want to reject someone who felt rejected on a much bigger level for decades by being this big secret.
Listen to your heart. You're doing your best. I get the sense you don't want to include Secret Uncle in the obituary. This internet stranger honestly thinks that is okay. It's not even like there's a guarantee Secret Uncle is going to even read this obit, right, if he is out of touch with your dad? If he does ask why he wasn't mentioned in the obituary, say you were concerned about potentially invading his privacy and didn't know how to contact him.
Whatever you decide know you did your best and you're not going to be able to please everybody.
This is such a hard time for you and I'm sorry that you are having to focus on this when you have such huge stuff going on. My condolences.
posted by Ziggy500 at 3:35 PM on January 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
Listen to your heart. You're doing your best. I get the sense you don't want to include Secret Uncle in the obituary. This internet stranger honestly thinks that is okay. It's not even like there's a guarantee Secret Uncle is going to even read this obit, right, if he is out of touch with your dad? If he does ask why he wasn't mentioned in the obituary, say you were concerned about potentially invading his privacy and didn't know how to contact him.
Whatever you decide know you did your best and you're not going to be able to please everybody.
This is such a hard time for you and I'm sorry that you are having to focus on this when you have such huge stuff going on. My condolences.
posted by Ziggy500 at 3:35 PM on January 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
Another vote for leaving him out.
But what if he IS hurt? I don’t want to reject someone who felt rejected on a much bigger level for decades by being this big secret.
He might feel left out, he might not. The fact that you don't know what he feels is a direct result of him not being in contact. He made contact and then eased away - his reasons are his own but essentially he has told you that he doesn't consider himself part of the family.
posted by ninazer0 at 3:45 PM on January 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
But what if he IS hurt? I don’t want to reject someone who felt rejected on a much bigger level for decades by being this big secret.
He might feel left out, he might not. The fact that you don't know what he feels is a direct result of him not being in contact. He made contact and then eased away - his reasons are his own but essentially he has told you that he doesn't consider himself part of the family.
posted by ninazer0 at 3:45 PM on January 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
1. If you haven’t already, let Secret Uncle know about your father’s situation. No-one wants to find that out from an obituary.
2. Leave him out of the obituary. Your sister doesn’t need this now.
3. Include a generic “many family and friends” phrase in there somewhere. It covers him but also anyone else who thinks they should be mentioned without you realising (yes, this happens). If anyone, including Secret Uncle, says anything about who’s mentioned or not mentioned then you can say “oh i didn’t have time/room to list everyone important and I was a bit afraid I’d leave someone out because he was blessed with so many people who cared about him. By the way, how are you coping, etc, change the subject”
posted by harriet vane at 3:56 AM on January 15, 2018 [3 favorites]
2. Leave him out of the obituary. Your sister doesn’t need this now.
3. Include a generic “many family and friends” phrase in there somewhere. It covers him but also anyone else who thinks they should be mentioned without you realising (yes, this happens). If anyone, including Secret Uncle, says anything about who’s mentioned or not mentioned then you can say “oh i didn’t have time/room to list everyone important and I was a bit afraid I’d leave someone out because he was blessed with so many people who cared about him. By the way, how are you coping, etc, change the subject”
posted by harriet vane at 3:56 AM on January 15, 2018 [3 favorites]
I'd leave Secret Uncle out. As the executor, you're going to have to be dealing with your sister on estate issues, and an enormous amount of work with other things like cleaning out your father's home. If this is a Big Deal to her, it may make all of the tasks that you may need her cooperation on more difficult.
As much as she might want to, sister doesn't get to erase Secret Uncle, but the Obit may not be the place to reveal his existence to everyone.
posted by thenormshow at 10:14 AM on January 15, 2018 [2 favorites]
As much as she might want to, sister doesn't get to erase Secret Uncle, but the Obit may not be the place to reveal his existence to everyone.
posted by thenormshow at 10:14 AM on January 15, 2018 [2 favorites]
Prioritize the family member who you know will care, and with whom you have a current and ongoing relationship.
posted by spindrifter at 1:50 PM on January 15, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by spindrifter at 1:50 PM on January 15, 2018 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
and personally, i'd include your uncle. it seems like theres no bad blood between your dad & him, and it's not your uncles fault he was born. your sis will be mad, sure, but again, that's something she'll have to come to terms with.
posted by speakeasy at 4:34 AM on January 14, 2018 [6 favorites]