How does babby become well-adjusted adult?

January 10, 2018 7:07 AM

We are having a baby! We are both a little lost on what good parenting looks like. I would appreciate reading materials, websites, and any other reliable resources. I also need specific advice on raising a happy, empowered brown(ish?) girl in this Trumpy world.

We both come from authoritarian homes, with a narcissistic parent and an enabling one (nothing unforgivably abusive, let's just say lots of love but also moments of terror and physical violence). The way we were raised left both of us with some wounds and knowledge gaps we have worked to resolve (therapy, lots of talking, etc.). However, we're not sure the adult approach to learning emotional resiliency would work with a child.

Beyond general parenting resources (reading materials, examples of healthy families on TV, etc.), I would appreciate your input on these concerns in particular:

1. How do healthy families discipline their children? Do people really do the time out thing? The lines between discipline and abuse are blurry to us (we were hit, kicked. etc. rather than sent to time outs). I am fearful that to err on the side of caution I will be a little too lenient, on the other hand. I absolutely cannot even spank or slap my child, though. I just don't know what else is out there.
2. Part of my own empowerment was to learn to recognize manipulative behaviors and to become assertive about my own boundaries. At what age and how do you teach your child to identify boundary issues in others without making them paranoid? I would like our daughter to enjoy life and be happy, but I don't want her to be naive.
2.a How do I make sure that our racially mixed daughter knows about racism and misogyny without making her anxious or depressed? For example, how do I prepare her to successfully shut down a hypothetical MRA idiot and then continue enjoying her life and friendships?

Thank you!

posted by Tarumba to Human Relations (22 answers total)

There is a book called Becoming the Parent you Want to Be that is about ... that, and which covers a lot of what you talk about above. My copy is no longer in use and if you would like to PM me a mailing address, I'll be happy to send you mine!
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 7:16 AM on January 10, 2018 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I'm actually thinking of writing a book about the sexism/racism stuff so sorry that doesn't exist yet :)

The Gottman Institute, although more well-known for marriage resources, has a lot of info about positive parenting. They post a lot of curated content on Facebook that talks about building strong, resilient, empathetic kids.

One of the classics in this genre is How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids will Talk, which I have found useful. Another book that switched a light on for me was I Love You Rituals. There's a list of things to do to connect with your kids, which is great, but what really struck me is that the vast majority of the time the kid is acting out, they need MORE connection and love, not less. So I don't do time-outs. Er, I haven't had to do them yet (I have a 4yo and one on the way). We sit together and talk about the problem, and try to problem-solve together. I give choices like "

Kids will test boundaries, that's one of their developmental jobs. I think the way you handle this is you come up with boundaries, and you enforce them. No, you can't hurt me or others. No, we don't use those words in this house. Etc. And they are enforced by logical consequences. This starts at a young age -- for example, you can start using the concept of consent with babies! I've heard a suggestion to tell the baby you're going to pick them up rather than just doing it. With my kid, I will ask "Can I tickle you?" Sometimes the answer is yes, and I stop when he says stop; other times the answer is no, and there is no tickling. Another example: my kid was pretty rude when asked by a friend if they could walk out of class together. We talked through some alternatives of how that could have gone. My approach was to say "look, you don't have to walk out with them just to be nice. But you don't say, "NO I HATE YOU" and put up a big fuss, you can say "no thanks, I want to walk out with my mom, but maybe next time!"
posted by emkelley at 7:43 AM on January 10, 2018 [9 favorites]

Previously, from last year (specifically asked how to be a dad, but most replies apply to parenting in general).
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 8:07 AM on January 10, 2018 [1 favorite]

Also this question I asked previously.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 8:08 AM on January 10, 2018 [1 favorite]

We have liked No Bad Kids and the author Janet Lansbury a lot.
posted by vignettist at 8:14 AM on January 10, 2018 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Also, to answer your original question, good parenting does not (necessarily) result in a well-adjusted adult. There are plenty of well-parented children who disappoint their parents.

Part of good parenting to accept your children's independence and individuality. This sounds obvious and easy. It is not. Not for the religious fundamentalist with an atheist child, not for the passionate reader who ends up with an anti-intellectual jock, not for the parent with a passion for social justice whose daughter complains that her bonus won't pay for a summer house in the Hamptons, not for the the scientist whose son despises math, not for the family-focused mother whose children rarely call, not for the hiker whose teenager is glued to the X-Box.

And especially not for the parent of a severely ill or disabled child.

Do not try to make your children well-adjusted adults. Give them the childhood that will give them the opportunity to become well-adjusted.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 8:41 AM on January 10, 2018 [26 favorites]

Agree with the recommendation of "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids will Talk" - I found it so helpful. We tried time outs very briefly (before reading that book), and found them pretty ineffective. With our daughter, when she was in the temper tantrum stage we worked on teaching her techniques to calm herself down (deep breaths, counting to 5), then tried to understand where her frustrations were coming from. I was surprised at how little discipline is actually necessary once you focus on trying to understand what the kid is trying to tell you. A lot of the yelling/acting out is just frustration when they can't communicate how they are feeling, so once you make it clear that you want to understand their feelings and validate them, the problem behaviours seem to disappear.
posted by barnoley at 8:43 AM on January 10, 2018 [2 favorites]

Come back in a year or two. Nobody should be disciplining infants, and while you can talk to them about systemic racism, I've found their listening skills to be distinctly lacking.

Sure, you can read stuff now, but as a new parent of an infant, you will probably have your hands full with that. About all that matters there is meeting her basic needs, giving her lots of contact and affection, etc., and in my limited experience, that's enough to fill about 28 hours of your day ;)

One thing you can do with infants is make sure they are exposed to lots of different races/ages/genders/classes of people, so that their context of "normal" isn't just their close family.
posted by SaltySalticid at 8:45 AM on January 10, 2018 [5 favorites]

Best answer: We follow a mostly authoritative parenting style (authoritative vs authoritarian vs permissive style here). Lots of warmth and love, clear and high (but age appropriate!) expectations.

We do do 'time outs,' but handle them differently for our kids, as they have different needs. Unacceptable behaviour (yelling to get your way or violence) result in time outs. We frame this as an opportunity to catch your breath, calm down, and get back to our best selves. For one kid, this is time by himself because he needs the reduced stimulus to calm. For the other kid, it is quiet time with one parent because he needs that connection to calm down.

In moments of family stress (when the calm talking is met with yelling, or hits, or refusal to listen), it can be tempting to take a short-term authoritarian approach. It was certainly how I was raised! Because in that moment, I worry that my kid will never stop yelling or hitting or... But I am aware of research that shows that the kids parented along the 'authoritative to permissive' spectrum turn out pretty similarly (as long as there is warmth and clear expectations). This helps me chill out.

Because research DOES show worse outcomes for kids parented by authoritarian and uninvolved parents.

Remember to consider the age-appropriateness of your expectations if a child is really struggling. Good luck on your journey!
posted by Sauter Vaguely at 8:59 AM on January 10, 2018 [7 favorites]

Another potential resource is Happiest Toddler on the Block. It is an older one, and does include the use of time outs. Really the deal with parenting is to teach and not discipline in 2018. There may be natural concequences like losing a toy if you're trying to hit with it or leaving the park if you're doing a dangerous thing after being asked to stop. For a lot of modern parenting styles or particular kids, timeouts are not a thing. I only use these when I would be yelling at my kid otherwise (obviously yelling and corporal punishment are not going to be helpful in modern parenting). But the Happiest Toddler Book acknowledges that you have your own triggers related to your childhood and ways to honor that while parenting. So you may like that.
posted by Kalmya at 9:03 AM on January 10, 2018

Seconding the recommendation for "No Bad Kids" and other writing by Janet Lansbury. I had some similar questions (I had no idea how discipline was supposed to work either and was pretty worried about it) and that helped me a lot. The book is really just a collection of some of the essays on her website, so you can start there if you want. Mine's just two now, so who knows what the future will bring, but those techniques have been working great so far. Like others have mentioned, a lot of it is changing your frame of mind about what discipline means and why kids act out in the first place. It's developmentally normal, it's their job to test limits, and it's our job to calmly set and hold those limits and meet whatever needs aren't being met when they're really having a hard time (so often it's just about being hungry/tired/overwhelmed).

I suspect that the answer to your second question is mostly going to involve modeling healthy boundaries and helping her grow up surrounded by examples to emulate rather than behaviors to unlearn later. I did have a narcissistic paternal grandmother and my mom talked to me about her behavior in age-appropriate ways (often in a kind of "that was ridiculous, can you believe it" tone that let me know it wasn't normal) whenever she'd do something unacceptable. That really helped me see that kind of manipulative behavior in a clear light. We also didn't spend much time with her.
posted by omnie at 10:04 AM on January 10, 2018

Response by poster: Remember to consider the age-appropriateness of your expectations if a child is really struggling.

I feel like this will be my main issue. I don't and have never socialized with children and I have this fear that I will end up treating her like an adult, having irrational expectations, or exposing her to complex issues way too early.
posted by Tarumba at 10:15 AM on January 10, 2018

I am not qualified to give day-to-day parenting advice, so make of this what you will, but I I'd like to weight in briefly on question 2a. The answer, I think, is: you don't, for the time being. I know people with kids ranging in age from babies to teenagers, including some biracial kids. I feel really bad for the people with teenage kids right now, because they're old enough to be aware of this stuff and it's all very disorienting and confusing and disturbing. But it barely touches babies, toddlers, and even kids in lower grade school.

Look at it this way: ten or fifteen years ago, nobody was predicting the rise of the alt-right and the phrase "President Donald Trump" would have sounded like a crazy joke. Sure, racism and misogyny existed back then, and almost certainly will not evaporate in the next decade or so, but one thing I've learned is that these cultural currents change faster than people tend to realize. Hopefully things will get better by the time your kid reaches political consciousness. Maybe they won't. But whatever challenges exist at that time, they will very likely not be the challenges of 2017 (there could be, probably will be, some relationship between then and now, but we can't really predict what that relationship will be with much confidence), and you will help guide your child through them then. Until that time, don't worry about it, hope for the best, and be grateful that your child will be too young to remember this moment.
posted by breakin' the law at 10:31 AM on January 10, 2018

You and your partner might consider individual therapy now while you still have some time. I feel like this is the kind of thing that talk therapy is really good at - people who understand what they have gone through and want to understand what effects it might have on them in the long run.

Also, I like Hand in Hand Parenting as a resource.
posted by vunder at 10:55 AM on January 10, 2018

I agree you have awhile before this becomes an issue, but it's also good to start thinking now, before you need it. We have found the resources from Hand in Hand parenting helpful: https://www.handinhandparenting.org/

I know some people who do time outs, some don't; we haven't really used it that much yet but may consider it in the future (my kid is 3.5 years). We have been working on boundaries for quite awhile now - stuff like, if I didn't want to be sat on or grabbed at that second, "that's mama's body, mama gets to decide that she doesn't want you doing that". This is pretty effective but of course takes awhile to learn. Related, I strongly dislike telling my kid to be a "good girl" when she's fighting something unpleasant but necessary that we're doing to her (like, say, suctioning her nose if she's congested). So I try to be careful when we have to do something necessary that she doesn't want to her (strapping her into her carseat, suctioning her nose, giving her medicine, cutting her nails - you will discover your own long list!) not to correlate overpowering her with being "good" and instead explaining why we're doing and calling her "brave" because she's fighting because she's scared.
posted by john_snow at 11:28 AM on January 10, 2018 [4 favorites]

Best answer: I know it may seem right now like since you haven’t dealt much w kids you might be unable to tell what they are or aren’t ready for but I promise that when you are living and caring for one day in and out you will be INESCAPABLY HYPERAWARE of their capabilities and limitations at every micro stage of their lives. Like you’ll notice when they seem to be able to focus their eyes across the room vs focus their eyes on someone moving across the room. Or that they are developing preferences for how they like being asked to put their jackets on vs their shoes which will be glaringly different to you when they are 10 months or 15 months or 3 years or 7.

I guess I am just saying don’t worry that you’ll treat your child monolithically, you will be so enmeshed in their every microscopic development that it will be really hard / unlikely to see your child as Generic Child You Don’t Know How To Interface With.
posted by sestaaak at 11:28 AM on January 10, 2018 [5 favorites]

Best answer: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen is AMAZING.

But another book I don't see recommended enough is Raising Human Beings by Dr. Ross Greene. He uses a model called Collaborative and Proactive Solutions where you teach kids skills and help them solve problems with you collaboratively.

It has completely changed the way I look at parenting and teaching (I'm a high school teacher with 15 years of experience) and emphasises the things many of my students are lacking: learning to tolerate frustration, learning to make transitions, learning to manage distractions, learning to work collaborative and solve problems, etc. If all the parents of my students used CPS my job would be so, so easy.
posted by guster4lovers at 2:16 PM on January 10, 2018 [3 favorites]

I think there's no substitute for hands-on learning and modeling behavior. While the books are super helpful and give you a framework for how you want to parent, it can be hard to leap from there to using it well. I recommend finding a parent child class of some sort, that has the values you want, and a chance to practice and see how other people handle these same things. My daughter went to a cooperative preschool that required parent volunteers for about a third of the time the kids were there, modeled how to address behaviors with the kids constantly, and had parent education once a month. (If you're in Seattle, it was this one.) I recommend looking for something like that, where you're constantly learning with teachers who model the way you want to parent, and who you can ask questions of as they come up.
posted by Margalo Epps at 2:44 PM on January 10, 2018

Best answer: I have a ten month old and one thing I do recently is practice techniques for when he’s a little older - more for myself. So he’ll go to tug the dog’s tail and I’ll carry him away and say “the problem with touching sadie’s Tail is that it hurts her. Let’s wave to Sadie.” I know he doesn’t understand but the stakes are pretty low right now and it helps me think about how I might respond later on.
posted by melodykramer at 2:58 PM on January 10, 2018 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I feel like this will be my main issue. I don't and have never socialized with children and I have this fear that I will end up treating her like an adult, having irrational expectations, or exposing her to complex issues way too early.

Tarumba: I was terrified about this too. Don't get overwhelmed! You don't need to memorize a list of age appropriate expectations right now. You can google it (or Ask Metafilter) in the moment! And sestaaak is right to say:
you will be INESCAPABLY HYPERAWARE of their capabilities and limitations at every micro stage of their lives.

Typical times when you need to re-calibrate your expectations will go something like this:

Baby fusses and cries while you are trying to say goodbye at the end of a coffee date, interrupting the conversation of grown-ups. Key idea: The baby isn't bad or mean or selfishly ruining your day. Also, this totally acceptable behaviour for a baby who is tired, hungry, wet, or bored. So you say goodbye quickly and tend to the baby's needs.
or
Child is unable to sit still or speak quietly in a nice restaurant for dinner, even though you as a family were really excited to eat out. Key idea: Child is not selfishly ruining your meal on purpose. They are hungry, probably tired, and bored. So next time you might 1) go to a child friendly restaurant that brings the kid's meal right away or 2) try the fancy place at lunch when the child is less hungry.

You should both do your own therapy before baby arrives. And keep reflecting on your parenting (forever). I take comfort from the stat that even within a secure attachment, parents are only attuned to the baby about 30% of the time.

You've got this.
posted by Sauter Vaguely at 5:49 PM on January 10, 2018 [2 favorites]

Best answer: The Whole Brain Child also has age appropriate ideas for emotional well being and how to respond to kids needs and frustrations. If I remember correctly, the different chapters correspond to different ages.

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen is great and similar, though slightly more dated (so don't get too pissed off that their examples are teaching a little girl how to limit the number of cookies she eats, and the boy to not ruin his dad's tools).

I've also started to think some about mindfulness training for kids, but haven't found a great book yet. I just started 'building emotional intelligence,' which does discuss building resilience.

Finally, Daniel Tiger (the TV show and books) are the follow-up to Mr. Roger's Neighborhood, and are great (we're very anti-TV, but watch about an episode a month, and are always glad we did). If our 3 year old notices his older brother is angry he'll say 'If you feel so mad that you want to roar, take a deep breath (breath) and count to four, 1, 2, 3, 4)'. Their lessons are so simple, repeated enough times for little ones to understand them, and really helpful.

None of those deal with racism, that I have noticed anyway. I wish they all did.
posted by lab.beetle at 11:55 PM on January 10, 2018 [1 favorite]

Keep asking the question about how to be a good parent. With an infant, it's mostly about keeping them dry, fed and comforted, with a ton of exceptions if your infant hates to sleep or has colic or has allergies, so you have to ask about that. If your toddler is super-physical, climbing everything in sight and rarely sitting still, you'll have different questions than if your toddler is not very verbal, etc. from early on, babies and children are individuals, and you'll be doing a lot of adapting. Lots of good advice here, and your question, and the way you posed it, sound like you are on the right track. Congratulations!
posted by theora55 at 8:29 AM on January 11, 2018