anti-blueberry or pro-cranberry conspiracy theories please
January 9, 2018 1:42 PM Subscribe
This is kind of random, but does anyone know of any pro-cranberry or anti-blueberry conspiracy theories (preferably posted on clearly disreputable web sites or blogs)? Preferably not both together.
I mean, clearly Big Blueberry is pushing blueberry consumption. Their health benefits have been touted, largely by liberal snowflakes, despite the fact that some folks are allergic to them. Where's the equality in that, snowflakes? Then there's the immigrant labor involved in their production - clearly a conspiracy to harm local economies in blueberry producing areas. Blueberry industry group web sites that share blueberry recipes without any hyperbolic health claims are also useful to me here.
Cranberries, on the other hand, are a superfood. They cure UTIs, of course, but also prevent cancer, clear up your skin and make it glow, improve brain power, and make you stronger and more agile. They are a traditional Western food (very, very traditional), so the anti-cranberry movement is clearly trying to usurp Western values and make us all weaker and dumber. New agey or other pseudoscience web sites that tout the health claims of cranberries in an obviously hyperbolic manner are also useful to me here.
Lacking any actual blueberry/cranberry conspiracy theories, if anyone has some spare time and would be amused in creating such a blog, I would be quite grateful. Thanks for your web searching help, as well!
I mean, clearly Big Blueberry is pushing blueberry consumption. Their health benefits have been touted, largely by liberal snowflakes, despite the fact that some folks are allergic to them. Where's the equality in that, snowflakes? Then there's the immigrant labor involved in their production - clearly a conspiracy to harm local economies in blueberry producing areas. Blueberry industry group web sites that share blueberry recipes without any hyperbolic health claims are also useful to me here.
Cranberries, on the other hand, are a superfood. They cure UTIs, of course, but also prevent cancer, clear up your skin and make it glow, improve brain power, and make you stronger and more agile. They are a traditional Western food (very, very traditional), so the anti-cranberry movement is clearly trying to usurp Western values and make us all weaker and dumber. New agey or other pseudoscience web sites that tout the health claims of cranberries in an obviously hyperbolic manner are also useful to me here.
Lacking any actual blueberry/cranberry conspiracy theories, if anyone has some spare time and would be amused in creating such a blog, I would be quite grateful. Thanks for your web searching help, as well!
I think you're looking for something that doesn't exist, so I can't help but think this is a very strange joke, and I'm gonna need a lot more clarification here.
I have never heard of any such conspiracy, and my family is closely affiliated with Ocean Spray and everything. Ocean Spray talks about the health benefits of cranberries, yeah, but they don't do so at the expense of any other food. Moreover:
They are a traditional Western food (very, very traditional), so the anti-cranberry movement is clearly trying to usurp Western values and make us all weaker and dumber.
This kind of argument wouldn't last two seconds, because blueberries and cranberries are both native to the United States, so therefore they are both "traditional Western foods" by whatever yardstick you'd be using to define "western foods".
So....are you looking for some kind of obviously-joke hyperbole here? Or are you looking for kook theories? Something else?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:57 PM on January 9, 2018 [4 favorites]
I have never heard of any such conspiracy, and my family is closely affiliated with Ocean Spray and everything. Ocean Spray talks about the health benefits of cranberries, yeah, but they don't do so at the expense of any other food. Moreover:
They are a traditional Western food (very, very traditional), so the anti-cranberry movement is clearly trying to usurp Western values and make us all weaker and dumber.
This kind of argument wouldn't last two seconds, because blueberries and cranberries are both native to the United States, so therefore they are both "traditional Western foods" by whatever yardstick you'd be using to define "western foods".
So....are you looking for some kind of obviously-joke hyperbole here? Or are you looking for kook theories? Something else?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:57 PM on January 9, 2018 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Well, I don’t have any cranberry conspiracy theories, but it seems mighty suspicious that the University of Idaho lost funding a few generations before achieving a domesticated huckleberry. Huckleberries would be a natural competitor to blueberries. Coincidence?!?
posted by bq at 1:58 PM on January 9, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by bq at 1:58 PM on January 9, 2018 [7 favorites]
Best answer: actual cranberry conspiracy allegations
posted by bq at 2:01 PM on January 9, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by bq at 2:01 PM on January 9, 2018 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Ah, the eternal struggle of bog and bush. Probably you can work "drain the swamp" in somewhere.
Also: fake blueberries!
posted by asperity at 2:06 PM on January 9, 2018 [6 favorites]
Also: fake blueberries!
posted by asperity at 2:06 PM on January 9, 2018 [6 favorites]
sorry but all berries are are naturally alive, electric & NOT man-made in an artificial labratory except cranberries
(Actually I'm not sure what the problem is with cranberries, but I do agree they're not electric.)
posted by The corpse in the library at 2:07 PM on January 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
(Actually I'm not sure what the problem is with cranberries, but I do agree they're not electric.)
posted by The corpse in the library at 2:07 PM on January 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: EmpressCallipygos, yes, I'm looking for obviously kook theories. It's for (local, not general distribution) political satire. (So, a joke on the surface, but with a serious argument against another argument underneath.)
posted by eviemath at 2:14 PM on January 9, 2018
posted by eviemath at 2:14 PM on January 9, 2018
Would some documentary footage of an interview with a cranberry grower be helpful? Wally Ballou interviews a cranberry grower.
posted by LizardBreath at 2:38 PM on January 9, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by LizardBreath at 2:38 PM on January 9, 2018 [1 favorite]
They cure UTIs, of course... unsweetened cranberry juice is said to, but the grocery shelves are full of super-sugary cranberry juice cocktail products which are bad for UTIs. One can sell a lot of bottles until the suffering buyer gets off the cycle and goes on proper antibiotics.
posted by Iris Gambol at 5:21 PM on January 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by Iris Gambol at 5:21 PM on January 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
There is the danger of sand in a box of fresh blueberries...
posted by SemiSalt at 5:42 PM on January 9, 2018
posted by SemiSalt at 5:42 PM on January 9, 2018
the conspiracy is that they're both nasty af and why would anyone eat them
— the bakeapple popular front.
posted by scruss at 8:08 PM on January 9, 2018 [1 favorite]
— the bakeapple popular front.
posted by scruss at 8:08 PM on January 9, 2018 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: asperity, didn't you mean "drain the bog"? :D
posted by eviemath at 5:49 AM on January 10, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by eviemath at 5:49 AM on January 10, 2018 [1 favorite]
Well, blueberries are blue, and cranberries are red, so both leave serious stains in colors associated with the major US parties. Draw your own conclusions.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 8:33 AM on January 10, 2018
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 8:33 AM on January 10, 2018
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:51 PM on January 9, 2018 [8 favorites]