Did I screw up telling a sober friend that I use marijuana?
January 8, 2018 8:31 AM Subscribe
I have a relatively new friend who 20+ years sober and is also a therapist/counselor for others in recovery. In a casual conversation, he asked me whether I had ever smoked pot and I said, "Yes, and I still do." (It's legal where we are.) I didn't want to be dishonest with him, but now I'm worried that I jeopardized our friendship. I'm a recovering alcoholic myself, so I respect his sobriety and wouldn't want to threaten it in any way. Do you think I screwed up?
I've typed out a few things here but keep deleting them because I don't know at all by what you mean when you say screwed up. In what way do you think just mentioning this might screw up the friendship?
posted by rtha at 8:38 AM on January 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by rtha at 8:38 AM on January 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
Sober people are used to living in an un-sober world. Unless you're lighting a joint in his living room, it's hard to see how he would dump you over this.
posted by something something at 8:41 AM on January 8, 2018 [25 favorites]
posted by something something at 8:41 AM on January 8, 2018 [25 favorites]
You say your friend is 20 years sober. He can probably handle having a friend who smokes pot in places that are not in front of him.
posted by bunderful at 8:45 AM on January 8, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by bunderful at 8:45 AM on January 8, 2018 [6 favorites]
I think he asked you a question and you gave him a truthful answer, and that's definitely better than lying. I have no idea what he's going to think of it, but you don't want to build friendships on lies, and you don't want to be a person who preemptively lies in order to manage what you perceive to be other people's possible reactions.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 8:46 AM on January 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 8:46 AM on January 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
It's good to be honest and I think people in recover especially understand that the world and the people in it are complicated. I don't think you did anything wrong by being honest with your friend.
posted by jessamyn at 8:58 AM on January 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by jessamyn at 8:58 AM on January 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
Did I screw up telling a sober friend that I use marijuana?
I don't know, but a very easy way to find out is to ask your friend. If you did say something disconcerting you can discuss it and smooth things over.
posted by FallowKing at 9:00 AM on January 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
I don't know, but a very easy way to find out is to ask your friend. If you did say something disconcerting you can discuss it and smooth things over.
posted by FallowKing at 9:00 AM on January 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
You might bring it up again, just to be sure there aren't any misconceptions. Tell him that you had some worries about how he might view your smoking, and see if there are any questions he has, or things you can explain that would give him a fuller picture of your recreational use.
posted by Rock Steady at 9:01 AM on January 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Rock Steady at 9:01 AM on January 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
You haven't included anything in your question to indicate that he reacted negatively - and I'm guessing that you would have, since you're so concerned about it. It seems like you're assuming that you'll be judged, but what are you basing this on?
Many sober people (in fact, the majority of sober people I know) are sober because they believe it's right for them, not because they think that it's necessary for everyone. Even those that believe drugs are generally harmful and people would be better off without them... don't think that makes someone who smokes pot an immoral degenerate.
(I think my roommate would be better off not using his laptop in bed. I think he's making a bad choice that negatively impacts his sleep and therefore his health, but it's not hurting our friendship...)
There are judgy people like that, but what makes you think your friend is one of them? Why are you so worried?
How dare he ask you something like that.
What a weird response. Friends often ask friends personal questions about their lives, even about things on which they differ in important ways; the mere act of asking isn't an act of judgment. I'd be offended if they were looking for something to judge or lecture me about, but without any indication that that's the case, "how dare he" isn't the direction I would go with this...
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 9:01 AM on January 8, 2018 [6 favorites]
Many sober people (in fact, the majority of sober people I know) are sober because they believe it's right for them, not because they think that it's necessary for everyone. Even those that believe drugs are generally harmful and people would be better off without them... don't think that makes someone who smokes pot an immoral degenerate.
(I think my roommate would be better off not using his laptop in bed. I think he's making a bad choice that negatively impacts his sleep and therefore his health, but it's not hurting our friendship...)
There are judgy people like that, but what makes you think your friend is one of them? Why are you so worried?
How dare he ask you something like that.
What a weird response. Friends often ask friends personal questions about their lives, even about things on which they differ in important ways; the mere act of asking isn't an act of judgment. I'd be offended if they were looking for something to judge or lecture me about, but without any indication that that's the case, "how dare he" isn't the direction I would go with this...
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 9:01 AM on January 8, 2018 [6 favorites]
No, the fact that you smoke weed should have no bearing on this person at all. Smoking around them or inviting them to do it would perhaps be a problem, but you haven't done that. If this person didn't want to know if you smoked pot, then they shouldn't have asked. You did nothing wrong by giving an honest answer to their question. I just wouldn't talk about it again, unless they again prompt the conversation.
posted by AppleTurnover at 9:01 AM on January 8, 2018
posted by AppleTurnover at 9:01 AM on January 8, 2018
Your friend has a good enough grip on his own sobriety to be a counselor to people who don't have theirs under control, which means he's immersed in the world of substance abuse on a far greater scale than most people who are actively sober. The disrespectful thing to do would have been to lie to your friend.
posted by griphus at 9:39 AM on January 8, 2018 [8 favorites]
posted by griphus at 9:39 AM on January 8, 2018 [8 favorites]
(It's legal where we are.) I didn't want to be dishonest with him, but now I'm worried that I jeopardized our friendship. I'm a recovering alcoholic myself, so I respect his sobriety and wouldn't want to threaten it in any way. Do you think I screwed up?
How do you think you jeopardized the friendship? I don't see how your use of marijuana would threaten HIS 20+ years of sobriety at all.
He is, of course, allowed to have opinions. It is entirely possible that he may not approve of use of marijuana by people in recovery--some people don't consider it to be consistent with sobriety. It is possible that may feel less comfortable around you knowing that you use it. However, lying about it would a be far, far worse screw-up.
You don't need to guess, though. Ask him. Say "you asked me a question about pot, and I answered honestly, and now I'm worried that it will affect our friendship. Can we talk about this?" If he's uncomfortable with the use of pot, I think it would be fair for him to say that he doesn't want to interact socially with you while you're under the influence of anything. But depending on your smoking habits, that may not even be an issue, or it may be something that is easy for you to adjust?
posted by desuetude at 9:44 AM on January 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
How do you think you jeopardized the friendship? I don't see how your use of marijuana would threaten HIS 20+ years of sobriety at all.
He is, of course, allowed to have opinions. It is entirely possible that he may not approve of use of marijuana by people in recovery--some people don't consider it to be consistent with sobriety. It is possible that may feel less comfortable around you knowing that you use it. However, lying about it would a be far, far worse screw-up.
You don't need to guess, though. Ask him. Say "you asked me a question about pot, and I answered honestly, and now I'm worried that it will affect our friendship. Can we talk about this?" If he's uncomfortable with the use of pot, I think it would be fair for him to say that he doesn't want to interact socially with you while you're under the influence of anything. But depending on your smoking habits, that may not even be an issue, or it may be something that is easy for you to adjust?
posted by desuetude at 9:44 AM on January 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
I have a family member who has been sober for decades, has been an addiction counselor, and regularly houses addicts who are newly sober. His entire opinion on other people drinking (and I think this would extend to weed?) is if someone handles it and it's not a problem, then it's not a problem. It's a problem for him and the people he helps, but he's fully aware we're all individuals with individual thresholds and challenges. I don't think your friend would feel any differently.
posted by I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today! at 9:59 AM on January 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today! at 9:59 AM on January 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
I've been sober for almost 19 years and I know there's a mindset amongst some recovering alcoholics (not me) that if someone has a problem with alcohol and gets sober, then they shouldn't take any other kind of mind-altering substance. The rationale behind this is the 'slippery slope' argument, or that if you smoke marijuana, it'll weaken your resistance and you'll end up drinking. Or that if you smoke marijuana recreationally "You're not sober".
But addiction takes many forms. For example, I was addicted to alcohol, but never gambling. So I can play the lottery once a week and when I go to Vegas I allow myself $100 silly money to spend, and once it's gone, it's gone. I don't chase it and lose my house trying to win that $100 back. So I know that's not a problem for me. For others it is, and losing money on the horses will set them on the path to self-destruction. It doesn't mean I'm not sober simply because I dabble from time to time in something that other people are addicted to.
And take Anthony Bourdain - who was a heroin addict for years. He doesn't have a problem with alcohol, he's one of those (fairly rare) ex-junkies who can drink safely, as it doesn't lead him back to heroin. I don't think anyone would argue that he's still a junkie because he's able to drink safely.
I've never smoked (not even a cigarette), so I can't say how this would pan out for me, but I know for some people they end up relapsing on alcohol after getting stoned, and so have to stay away from it. Other people can smoke the odd joint now and again with no adverse repercussions.
So I understand why you're thinking you might have screwed up - but as others have said, if you are okay with smoking marijuana and it doesn't lead you to relapse on alcohol, then that's nobody else's business but yours.
And if your friend's mindset is that drink/drugs are the same and you're on the first steps on the road back to hell, then that's his business. It's up to him how he wants to handle it.
posted by essexjan at 11:00 AM on January 8, 2018
But addiction takes many forms. For example, I was addicted to alcohol, but never gambling. So I can play the lottery once a week and when I go to Vegas I allow myself $100 silly money to spend, and once it's gone, it's gone. I don't chase it and lose my house trying to win that $100 back. So I know that's not a problem for me. For others it is, and losing money on the horses will set them on the path to self-destruction. It doesn't mean I'm not sober simply because I dabble from time to time in something that other people are addicted to.
And take Anthony Bourdain - who was a heroin addict for years. He doesn't have a problem with alcohol, he's one of those (fairly rare) ex-junkies who can drink safely, as it doesn't lead him back to heroin. I don't think anyone would argue that he's still a junkie because he's able to drink safely.
I've never smoked (not even a cigarette), so I can't say how this would pan out for me, but I know for some people they end up relapsing on alcohol after getting stoned, and so have to stay away from it. Other people can smoke the odd joint now and again with no adverse repercussions.
So I understand why you're thinking you might have screwed up - but as others have said, if you are okay with smoking marijuana and it doesn't lead you to relapse on alcohol, then that's nobody else's business but yours.
And if your friend's mindset is that drink/drugs are the same and you're on the first steps on the road back to hell, then that's his business. It's up to him how he wants to handle it.
posted by essexjan at 11:00 AM on January 8, 2018
If he ends your friendship because of this, consider yourself lucky. A good friend doesn't force their opinions and lifestyle on others.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 11:36 AM on January 8, 2018
posted by schroedingersgirl at 11:36 AM on January 8, 2018
Is your friendship based on your shared sobriety, and you are worried that your disclosing that you use marijuana will undermine that foundation? I have certainly known sober people who relied on their fellow sober friends to be their Sober Friends; I can imagine one of those people finding a disclosure by a Sober Friend that the Sober Friend uses a different substance other than the one they both no longer use to be somehow a violation of an unspoken Sober Friend pact. So, maybe?
posted by devinemissk at 12:18 PM on January 8, 2018
posted by devinemissk at 12:18 PM on January 8, 2018
If he ends your friendship because of this, consider yourself lucky. A good friend doesn't force their opinions and lifestyle on others.
I think them ending the friendship only means that they're doing the best thing for themselves, not passing judgment or forcing opinions or lifestyle. A clean and sober friend of mine told me last year that she could no longer spend time with me because of my alcohol and pot use and I understood completely. I thanked her for setting this boundary for herself and wished her all the best.
posted by bendy at 9:37 PM on January 8, 2018 [8 favorites]
I think them ending the friendship only means that they're doing the best thing for themselves, not passing judgment or forcing opinions or lifestyle. A clean and sober friend of mine told me last year that she could no longer spend time with me because of my alcohol and pot use and I understood completely. I thanked her for setting this boundary for herself and wished her all the best.
posted by bendy at 9:37 PM on January 8, 2018 [8 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by tchemgrrl at 8:38 AM on January 8, 2018 [58 favorites]