Will you put me in her shoes?
January 1, 2018 5:58 AM Subscribe
My sister/flatmate and I have pretty different temperaments and childhood experiences. I've been worried that she is depressed or has an eating disorder BASED ON WHAT I SEE AND INTERPRET. She assures me that she doesn't. I am trying to establish good boundaries, so please help me understand what it might be like for her so that I don't just worry.
** I get that even if she IS struggling with something, part of the good boundary thing is knowing and holding to the belief that it's not my responsibility or within my control to fix her. It's hard for me though, so if MeFiters want to remind me, that's cool, too.**
I am a morning person. I go to bed at 11 and wake up at 5:30 everyday. I have a hard time lounging around-- I need a project as soon as vacations start. I fidget. If I don't go out for a walk for three consecutive days I get very antsy. I eat a lot of meal-time real foods and rarely any junk food. When I get very stressed out, or when I am very tired, my instinct is to eat (a small meal). If I am hungry I don't even think twice before getting up from the couch and go fix myself something. I am, paradoxically, intensely introvert and don't see many friends.
My sister/flatmate stays up till 4 often and sleeps through the morning. She sleeps a lot. She's pretty good at spending all day in bed or in her room, and she doesn't leave the house if she doesn't have to. She grazes on snacks all day and eats very small portions of real food. She'd rather stay in bed than to get up and find food. She can be a bit of a social butterfly, though, and typically has plans for weekends.
We had been more or less this way for most of our lives. When we were kids it was often my responsibility to take care of her, and to make sure that she eats her lunch at school. I am five years older, and I was big and strong for my age; my sister was always the tiniest in her class. My parents were really anxiosuly preoccupied and stressed out about how little she ate at meal times, and I felt like a jerk all the time for eating well. All of this is to say that we are probably both psychologically f-ed up a little, and I know this is a big part of why I feel responsible (and am trying not to). I have been working on this in therapy. My sister believes that she's totally fine and well-adjusted and doesn't need therapy.
Last winter and again this winter, my sister has been working from home on projects without a clear deadline. Some of the things she does raise a lot of red flags for me, based on how I move through life. These include:
- sleeping for 10 to 12 hours a day
- watching a lot of TV in bed
- cancelling plans made with friends
- rarely leaving curtained room
- eats very small portions of real food and often have half-eaten bowls in the fridge. She keeps a lot of snacks in her room, though, so I have no idea how much she does actually eat. (we buy and cook our own groceries and eat on our own)
- complains about being cold and tired often
- saying that she isn't hungry when i asked if she has eaten
- hasn't left the house, showered, or gotten dressed in weeks.
These observations are of course colored by my own perspectives and preerences. For all intents and purposes she might say that she knows how to properly relax and stay cozy and eats a reasonable amount (and would probably say that I don't sleep enough, fidget too much, and eat weirdly infrequent big portions).
I have more than sufficiently expressed my concerns and offered all the possible physicological or emotional causes I can think of. She insists that she is fine and this is just how her body is and this is how she likes to do winter.
My whole concern really just boils down to: if I do all the things she does, I would be so extremely uncomfortable and unhappy. I associate a lot of these things with the times in my life when I tried to starve myself in unhealthy ways-- the cold, the lack of energy, the general malaise, the inability to concentrate-- or when I was deeply depressed and wanted to be self destructive. My instinctive interpretation is that my sister is intentionally negligent about her health; she wants to be kind of sick, for whatever reason.
I know it's possible that that's REALLY not be the case for her, and she might really just be doing what feels good to her. I'd like to hear from different perspectives-- help putting me in her shoes. If you resonate with my sister, please explain to me how it feels and how you feel a sense of well being.
Short of that, I'd also welcome tips for watching your loved ones self-destruct and shoring up my own boundaries.
** as adults we are the same height and the same size. It's really hard for me to imagine that she really needs that much less calories and nutrients than I do.
** I get that even if she IS struggling with something, part of the good boundary thing is knowing and holding to the belief that it's not my responsibility or within my control to fix her. It's hard for me though, so if MeFiters want to remind me, that's cool, too.**
I am a morning person. I go to bed at 11 and wake up at 5:30 everyday. I have a hard time lounging around-- I need a project as soon as vacations start. I fidget. If I don't go out for a walk for three consecutive days I get very antsy. I eat a lot of meal-time real foods and rarely any junk food. When I get very stressed out, or when I am very tired, my instinct is to eat (a small meal). If I am hungry I don't even think twice before getting up from the couch and go fix myself something. I am, paradoxically, intensely introvert and don't see many friends.
My sister/flatmate stays up till 4 often and sleeps through the morning. She sleeps a lot. She's pretty good at spending all day in bed or in her room, and she doesn't leave the house if she doesn't have to. She grazes on snacks all day and eats very small portions of real food. She'd rather stay in bed than to get up and find food. She can be a bit of a social butterfly, though, and typically has plans for weekends.
We had been more or less this way for most of our lives. When we were kids it was often my responsibility to take care of her, and to make sure that she eats her lunch at school. I am five years older, and I was big and strong for my age; my sister was always the tiniest in her class. My parents were really anxiosuly preoccupied and stressed out about how little she ate at meal times, and I felt like a jerk all the time for eating well. All of this is to say that we are probably both psychologically f-ed up a little, and I know this is a big part of why I feel responsible (and am trying not to). I have been working on this in therapy. My sister believes that she's totally fine and well-adjusted and doesn't need therapy.
Last winter and again this winter, my sister has been working from home on projects without a clear deadline. Some of the things she does raise a lot of red flags for me, based on how I move through life. These include:
- sleeping for 10 to 12 hours a day
- watching a lot of TV in bed
- cancelling plans made with friends
- rarely leaving curtained room
- eats very small portions of real food and often have half-eaten bowls in the fridge. She keeps a lot of snacks in her room, though, so I have no idea how much she does actually eat. (we buy and cook our own groceries and eat on our own)
- complains about being cold and tired often
- saying that she isn't hungry when i asked if she has eaten
- hasn't left the house, showered, or gotten dressed in weeks.
These observations are of course colored by my own perspectives and preerences. For all intents and purposes she might say that she knows how to properly relax and stay cozy and eats a reasonable amount (and would probably say that I don't sleep enough, fidget too much, and eat weirdly infrequent big portions).
I have more than sufficiently expressed my concerns and offered all the possible physicological or emotional causes I can think of. She insists that she is fine and this is just how her body is and this is how she likes to do winter.
My whole concern really just boils down to: if I do all the things she does, I would be so extremely uncomfortable and unhappy. I associate a lot of these things with the times in my life when I tried to starve myself in unhealthy ways-- the cold, the lack of energy, the general malaise, the inability to concentrate-- or when I was deeply depressed and wanted to be self destructive. My instinctive interpretation is that my sister is intentionally negligent about her health; she wants to be kind of sick, for whatever reason.
I know it's possible that that's REALLY not be the case for her, and she might really just be doing what feels good to her. I'd like to hear from different perspectives-- help putting me in her shoes. If you resonate with my sister, please explain to me how it feels and how you feel a sense of well being.
Short of that, I'd also welcome tips for watching your loved ones self-destruct and shoring up my own boundaries.
** as adults we are the same height and the same size. It's really hard for me to imagine that she really needs that much less calories and nutrients than I do.
I'm guessing you're both in college and she's been not showering, etc during winter break - is that accurate?
If she is depressed, that can definitely mess with your appetite too.
posted by bunderful at 6:43 AM on January 1, 2018 [2 favorites]
If she is depressed, that can definitely mess with your appetite too.
posted by bunderful at 6:43 AM on January 1, 2018 [2 favorites]
I'm with peanut, it's really only the showering thing that gives me pause. But even then, that is not your responsibility. Think about how you would feel if your sister was constantly monitoring your behavior and pressuring you to eat less, or be more social. You're not her parent, and even if you were, she's an adult. It's not impossible that she's secluding herself to avoid dealing with the micromanaging; honestly that's what I'd do in her shoes. What you can do is open the lines of communication, and try to be a person who will listen to her feelings without judgement and without trying to "fix" her.
posted by gennessee at 6:45 AM on January 1, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by gennessee at 6:45 AM on January 1, 2018 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: Yeah, I just want to reiterate that I am not asking for tips on how to control her. Maybe my original post did not make this clear. I don't want to control her. The kind of information I'm hoping for are variations of something like:
"Yeah, I'm a person with a healthily low metabolism. I eat small meals and am totally fine and I don't feel sick or anything."
or
"Yeah I'm in your sister's position among my siblings. No it's really possible this could happen and be totally fine."
It would be easier if I just ask my sister to explain to me. But I am turning to MeFi precisely because I don't want to make her feel like she needs to justify herself.
Re: shower-- yes, and yes because of winter break.
posted by atetrachordofthree at 6:45 AM on January 1, 2018
"Yeah, I'm a person with a healthily low metabolism. I eat small meals and am totally fine and I don't feel sick or anything."
or
"Yeah I'm in your sister's position among my siblings. No it's really possible this could happen and be totally fine."
It would be easier if I just ask my sister to explain to me. But I am turning to MeFi precisely because I don't want to make her feel like she needs to justify herself.
Re: shower-- yes, and yes because of winter break.
posted by atetrachordofthree at 6:45 AM on January 1, 2018
Best answer: I think you need to move. Please hear me out.
This seems like a somewhat distressing situation but far more importantly, this is not your job.
While as kids you took care of your sister, you're both now adults and this isn't something you need to be doing. It's not fair to either of you.
I suggest you take a MASSIVE step back and consider if this is really what you want to be doing with yourself. I'm being serious--this isn't necessarily about food intake or extroverts versus introverts or hygiene.
The far larger issue is that you've taken on the role of caregiver to an adult who is probably capable of pulling themselves together. Not only is this exhausting, but it's not healthy for either one of you.
If your sister is managing to earn income and have some semblance of a life, and it appears she does, then you should find a new place to live.
If she's genuinely unhealthy (are you really sure she has not bathed in WEEKS?), then most of my advice still holds as far as moving out, but first you need to sit with her and explain that she needs to get help. Get her an appointment with someone to discuss possible mental health issues. Empower her by creating a plan for positive movement, but do not remain as her caretaker.
This isn't about food or sleeping patterns. It's about creating and maintaining healthier boundaries with your little sister.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 6:46 AM on January 1, 2018 [39 favorites]
This seems like a somewhat distressing situation but far more importantly, this is not your job.
While as kids you took care of your sister, you're both now adults and this isn't something you need to be doing. It's not fair to either of you.
I suggest you take a MASSIVE step back and consider if this is really what you want to be doing with yourself. I'm being serious--this isn't necessarily about food intake or extroverts versus introverts or hygiene.
The far larger issue is that you've taken on the role of caregiver to an adult who is probably capable of pulling themselves together. Not only is this exhausting, but it's not healthy for either one of you.
If your sister is managing to earn income and have some semblance of a life, and it appears she does, then you should find a new place to live.
If she's genuinely unhealthy (are you really sure she has not bathed in WEEKS?), then most of my advice still holds as far as moving out, but first you need to sit with her and explain that she needs to get help. Get her an appointment with someone to discuss possible mental health issues. Empower her by creating a plan for positive movement, but do not remain as her caretaker.
This isn't about food or sleeping patterns. It's about creating and maintaining healthier boundaries with your little sister.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 6:46 AM on January 1, 2018 [39 favorites]
Upon your update, no, it's not normal or healthy to remain unbathed for weeks, but I think you probably know that, right?
If you're asking if it's normal for different people to eat different amounts of food, then the answer is sure. Of course that's normal.
But again, I really don't think you're seeing the forest for the trees here. This isn't about food intake--it's about a far less healthy relationship you have with your sister; one that is not fair to either one of you.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 6:49 AM on January 1, 2018 [8 favorites]
If you're asking if it's normal for different people to eat different amounts of food, then the answer is sure. Of course that's normal.
But again, I really don't think you're seeing the forest for the trees here. This isn't about food intake--it's about a far less healthy relationship you have with your sister; one that is not fair to either one of you.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 6:49 AM on January 1, 2018 [8 favorites]
That sounds like depression to me. One of those things alone (eating lots of small meals, or sleeping a lot, for example) doesn't necessarily mean anything bad, but all of those things together would make me concerned too.
I wouldn't frame it--even to yourself--though as your sister "wanting" to be sick. I don't think that it's productive to think of it that way. A more accurate way of looking at it might be: if she's depressed, then she's not capable of taking good care of herself right now.
I would encourage her to talk to a doctor about her mental health and leave the eating habits out of it for now.
posted by colfax at 6:50 AM on January 1, 2018 [4 favorites]
I wouldn't frame it--even to yourself--though as your sister "wanting" to be sick. I don't think that it's productive to think of it that way. A more accurate way of looking at it might be: if she's depressed, then she's not capable of taking good care of herself right now.
I would encourage her to talk to a doctor about her mental health and leave the eating habits out of it for now.
posted by colfax at 6:50 AM on January 1, 2018 [4 favorites]
As a former anorexic, yeah, she probably has an ED(and yes, it's still an ED if it's being triggered by depression). Typically if you have a hunch about someone having one, they have one. The metabolism/other unknown health problem excuse is common too, I still keep in touch with some of my support groups and there's never been an easier time to relapse because it's now considered intolerant to "skinny shame" or imply someone is not eating enough. It is not normal to eat so little, no matter what BS people try to pull about metabolism or not being hungry. Even if her lack of appetite is caused by depression, that's still within the criteria for anorexia/EDNOS. The added fact of a lack of hygiene makes me think she's pretty severely sick too, for both the ED and depression the only place for her to go is inpatient care from this point, if it's really been weeks with no bodily care.
But honestly, I think you should move. If she's as deep in denial as it sounds, there's nothing you can do. You might have to let her hit rock bottom on her own. You also need to put your own oxygen mask on first and not be living in a situation where you're witnessing and enabling this. The best thing in my opinion, having been much like your sister, is to be there on the sidelines with resources should she choose to seek help. But you can't help her until she wants help,really.
posted by InkDrinker at 6:57 AM on January 1, 2018 [4 favorites]
But honestly, I think you should move. If she's as deep in denial as it sounds, there's nothing you can do. You might have to let her hit rock bottom on her own. You also need to put your own oxygen mask on first and not be living in a situation where you're witnessing and enabling this. The best thing in my opinion, having been much like your sister, is to be there on the sidelines with resources should she choose to seek help. But you can't help her until she wants help,really.
posted by InkDrinker at 6:57 AM on January 1, 2018 [4 favorites]
If you two are the same size then she's likely not starving herself. I think you've allowed your parents' anxieties about her size (which seems to have rectified itself) to infiltrate your relationship with her and like your parents you would be more comfortable if she were just more "normal" about these things. For what it's worth, I have struggled with ED in the past and the very best way for me to eat is to graze throughout the day.
Everything you describe sounds like very typical college winter break stuff. You know you're projecting your terms for happiness and fulfillment on her and you seem to sense that's not fair of you. I happen to agree. If this behavior were happening all the time there would cause for concern about depression/etc, but on winter break? I was always shocked I saw some of my college going friends at all during break.
posted by I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today! at 6:57 AM on January 1, 2018 [8 favorites]
Everything you describe sounds like very typical college winter break stuff. You know you're projecting your terms for happiness and fulfillment on her and you seem to sense that's not fair of you. I happen to agree. If this behavior were happening all the time there would cause for concern about depression/etc, but on winter break? I was always shocked I saw some of my college going friends at all during break.
posted by I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today! at 6:57 AM on January 1, 2018 [8 favorites]
I had a similar thought to yes I said yes I will Yes re: moving out. If you have an unhealthy dynamic, it's probably making things worse for both for both of you to live together. I can imagine showering less or holing up in my room if I didn't feel I had enough privacy, particularly from someone I had a bad dynamic with.
If she doesn't pull it back together when school resumes, that would be a warning that it's time to intervene.
Is it possible to have an honest conversation with her? Tell her that you feel that your upbringing set you up to be rather vigilant about her behavior and while you want a more healthy relationships now, you're struggling and not sure how to go about it.
In the meantime, look into moving out. If you have a bad dynamic, living together is more than likely making things worse for her. If moving out right away isn't feasible, try going to visit friends for a weekend or something to give you both a break. Or getting involved in a project that gets you out of the house every day, just to give you both a break. It will help you stop obsessing over her issues, and it will give her a break from being obsessed over and, probably, feeling "watched."
posted by bunderful at 6:58 AM on January 1, 2018 [6 favorites]
If she doesn't pull it back together when school resumes, that would be a warning that it's time to intervene.
Is it possible to have an honest conversation with her? Tell her that you feel that your upbringing set you up to be rather vigilant about her behavior and while you want a more healthy relationships now, you're struggling and not sure how to go about it.
In the meantime, look into moving out. If you have a bad dynamic, living together is more than likely making things worse for her. If moving out right away isn't feasible, try going to visit friends for a weekend or something to give you both a break. Or getting involved in a project that gets you out of the house every day, just to give you both a break. It will help you stop obsessing over her issues, and it will give her a break from being obsessed over and, probably, feeling "watched."
posted by bunderful at 6:58 AM on January 1, 2018 [6 favorites]
To answer the actual question: I am a healthy person who needs lots of sleep (9 hours a day is my ideal) and would generally sleep 12 hours a day for about two weeks after the end of each semester in university (catching up on lost sleep); and who doesn't seem to need as much food as most people I know. People do have different metabolisms, and (relatedly) I am often cold as well, but eating more calories doesn't change that. On the other hand, I do shower regularly and am not such a night owl.
With mental health issues, one red flag is changes in sleeping, eating, and hygiene habits. It sounds like your sister's eating habits have not changed. The sleeping habits might be a change due to opportunity, since she currently has no scheduled committments during the day (perhaps for the first time in her life?). The lack of bathing is, as others have noted above, potentially a concern. Since you have clarified that your sister is a student on winter break, however, her behavior does not sound inconsistent with many, say, male college students on break. If she keeps the same habits and is unable to get out of the house for scheduled things or meet deadlines once classes resume, that will be the time to worry. Otherwise, yes, it sounds like you have taken on your parentally imposed burden and are being a little judgey about your sister simply having a different lifestyle than you (which may be her particular reaction to the family dynamic that your parents created, or her internalizing the problem child role in a similar way to how you have internalized the responsible child role?).
posted by eviemath at 7:13 AM on January 1, 2018 [12 favorites]
With mental health issues, one red flag is changes in sleeping, eating, and hygiene habits. It sounds like your sister's eating habits have not changed. The sleeping habits might be a change due to opportunity, since she currently has no scheduled committments during the day (perhaps for the first time in her life?). The lack of bathing is, as others have noted above, potentially a concern. Since you have clarified that your sister is a student on winter break, however, her behavior does not sound inconsistent with many, say, male college students on break. If she keeps the same habits and is unable to get out of the house for scheduled things or meet deadlines once classes resume, that will be the time to worry. Otherwise, yes, it sounds like you have taken on your parentally imposed burden and are being a little judgey about your sister simply having a different lifestyle than you (which may be her particular reaction to the family dynamic that your parents created, or her internalizing the problem child role in a similar way to how you have internalized the responsible child role?).
posted by eviemath at 7:13 AM on January 1, 2018 [12 favorites]
Best answer: You guys are falling into the classic overfunctioner/underfunctioner dynamic. Your parents started it by ridiculously putting you in charge of your sibling’s meals (!!)
I agree the best is for you to move out. If you can’t (or even if you can), the best long term plan is for you to share your own struggles and vulnerabilities first with yourself and maybe second or third with her. How often do you ask her opinion, genuinely, about something to do with your life where you are unsure? How often do you let yourself eat popcorn for dinner and chill out? What in your own life are you neglecting by focusing on hers? Who would you be if you needed her help and she didn’t need yours?
I recommend talking to your therapist about this but also maybe look into Harriet Lerner’s books and also Brene Brown. You could also check out Ellyn Satter’s books on food (spelling might be wrong here) for how your parents perhaps should/could have handled it better.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:13 AM on January 1, 2018 [16 favorites]
I agree the best is for you to move out. If you can’t (or even if you can), the best long term plan is for you to share your own struggles and vulnerabilities first with yourself and maybe second or third with her. How often do you ask her opinion, genuinely, about something to do with your life where you are unsure? How often do you let yourself eat popcorn for dinner and chill out? What in your own life are you neglecting by focusing on hers? Who would you be if you needed her help and she didn’t need yours?
I recommend talking to your therapist about this but also maybe look into Harriet Lerner’s books and also Brene Brown. You could also check out Ellyn Satter’s books on food (spelling might be wrong here) for how your parents perhaps should/could have handled it better.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:13 AM on January 1, 2018 [16 favorites]
Is it possible she's bathing when you're out of the house because she is avoiding you?
posted by unknowncommand at 7:14 AM on January 1, 2018 [9 favorites]
posted by unknowncommand at 7:14 AM on January 1, 2018 [9 favorites]
In summary, you don’t need to be in her shoes. You need to be more firmly in your own.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:15 AM on January 1, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by warriorqueen at 7:15 AM on January 1, 2018 [5 favorites]
Best answer: * Hey atetrachordofthree, what follows is an odd way of answering your question but I hope it's helpful and actually puts you in (one possible version of) your sister's shoes. You sound like a good person and a loving sister and it's plain as day that you are trying as hard as you can to do the right thing. That said, peace for you will not be found in an independent validation that every choice that your sister makes is objectively healthy and correct. She's a person just like all people; she may go through hard times and make mistakes sometimes, and that still doesn't give you the right or responsibility to intervene in her choices. That's a hard thing to learn -- maybe the hardest! -- but it sounds like you're making good progress. Again, I hope this little imagined stream-of-consciousness is useful to you.
---
I love my sister. I really do. And I know she loves me. That's why it's so hard living with her.
I don't know -- maybe this is just how families are? They pick one of their members to be the problem child (me), and then spend the rest of their lives nitpicking everything that person does? It's certainly how my parents treated me all my life. They taught her to do the same. It's relentless, the monitoring, the hovering. Sometimes I catch her poking at my leftovers in the fridge, evaluating whether I've eaten enough, at the right time, of the right kind of food. It feels like being in prison sometimes, with no privacy, no space at all.
Sometimes it makes me so resentful. And then I stop myself. She loves me, I tell myself. She's just doing it to help me. And besides, maybe there is actually something wrong with me. I'm so different to the rest of my family; maybe they're right that my difference is a sign of wrongness. She's always been the busy one, the strong one, the achieving one; maybe it really is me that is wrong, wrong to my core. How could I ever measure up to my parents' expectations (that she is fulfilling so much better than I am)? And the resentment subsides into a resigned despair.
Sometimes I think maybe I do have something wrong with me -- depression or an eating disorder or one of the million other things she's researched and suggested to me -- but the truth is, how could I even know? I have no space to figure out how I feel when she's tapping and poking at me all the time. If only I could have some space without being watched and judged and constantly evaluated. Maybe I'm just different than them. Maybe there's nothing wrong with that. Maybe the only thing wrong with me is that I believe the family story that I'm defective. If only I could have some space to get to know who I am, without the storm of judgments whirling around me. Is it too much to ask? Does she really think I'm so incapable of taking care of myself?
Sure, maybe I'll screw up. Maybe I'll make mistakes. But at least they'll be MY mistakes! Why does she get to make her own choices in life, but denies me the right to make mine? And then I feel guilty again, for being angry at her. It's not her fault. She's just doing what our parents taught her. She's just trying to help.
Sometimes I think -- and I know my family would dismiss me instantly if I ever said it out loud, but still -- sometimes I think it's not her helping me, but me helping her. After all, she's got so much anxiety and fear in her -- it keeps her running, working all the time, as though if she stops for a second, something terrible will happen. Just slow down, I want to tell her sometimes. Lay around for a weekend, fail to accomplish one of your million carefully planned projects. Maybe if you try it, you'll find out for yourself that there's no monster waiting to pounce on you, and you can relax! But she would never listen to that from me, the problem child, the defective one. No, my role is simple: I give her something to focus on, someone to take care of like a sick kitten. I'm not exactly a person to her, but a problem she can solve if she just tries hard enough -- and it's so very important that she solves it! Every little thing I do is a piece of evidence to collect and dissect and analyze; there's always work to be done to fix me. I'm the most endless, the most urgent project she has. And that's how I help her: I distract her so she doesn't have to think about her own overwhelming anxiety.
I feel bad for saying that -- I don't mean to be harsh. After all, she grew up with my parents too, and their demands on her were so relentless. In a way, I got off easy -- they decided early on that I was defective, and put all the pressure to perform on her. It was like there was this constant comparison between us, which just led to both of us feeling guilty and inadequate -- me for not being good enough, her for not being able to fix me. Truly, it sucked for both of us.
Point is: I love my sister. I know she loves me. I know she's working on this with her therapist. I hope it works, because honestly, I could use some space.
---
*One last thing: I highly recommend that you consider trying some form of meditation -- it's helpful both for quieting your own anxiety (which speaks loud and clear through your question) as well as cultivating an attitude of loving, compassionate non-judgement towards other people (which sounds like it might be a useful change to your usual approach to your sister). I've been really enjoying the Headspace app lately, but there are also lots of free meditations available online. Here's one free set of guided meditations I really like; if you search Ask Metafilter for others, you'll find plenty of recommendations.
posted by ourobouros at 7:20 AM on January 1, 2018 [36 favorites]
---
I love my sister. I really do. And I know she loves me. That's why it's so hard living with her.
I don't know -- maybe this is just how families are? They pick one of their members to be the problem child (me), and then spend the rest of their lives nitpicking everything that person does? It's certainly how my parents treated me all my life. They taught her to do the same. It's relentless, the monitoring, the hovering. Sometimes I catch her poking at my leftovers in the fridge, evaluating whether I've eaten enough, at the right time, of the right kind of food. It feels like being in prison sometimes, with no privacy, no space at all.
Sometimes it makes me so resentful. And then I stop myself. She loves me, I tell myself. She's just doing it to help me. And besides, maybe there is actually something wrong with me. I'm so different to the rest of my family; maybe they're right that my difference is a sign of wrongness. She's always been the busy one, the strong one, the achieving one; maybe it really is me that is wrong, wrong to my core. How could I ever measure up to my parents' expectations (that she is fulfilling so much better than I am)? And the resentment subsides into a resigned despair.
Sometimes I think maybe I do have something wrong with me -- depression or an eating disorder or one of the million other things she's researched and suggested to me -- but the truth is, how could I even know? I have no space to figure out how I feel when she's tapping and poking at me all the time. If only I could have some space without being watched and judged and constantly evaluated. Maybe I'm just different than them. Maybe there's nothing wrong with that. Maybe the only thing wrong with me is that I believe the family story that I'm defective. If only I could have some space to get to know who I am, without the storm of judgments whirling around me. Is it too much to ask? Does she really think I'm so incapable of taking care of myself?
Sure, maybe I'll screw up. Maybe I'll make mistakes. But at least they'll be MY mistakes! Why does she get to make her own choices in life, but denies me the right to make mine? And then I feel guilty again, for being angry at her. It's not her fault. She's just doing what our parents taught her. She's just trying to help.
Sometimes I think -- and I know my family would dismiss me instantly if I ever said it out loud, but still -- sometimes I think it's not her helping me, but me helping her. After all, she's got so much anxiety and fear in her -- it keeps her running, working all the time, as though if she stops for a second, something terrible will happen. Just slow down, I want to tell her sometimes. Lay around for a weekend, fail to accomplish one of your million carefully planned projects. Maybe if you try it, you'll find out for yourself that there's no monster waiting to pounce on you, and you can relax! But she would never listen to that from me, the problem child, the defective one. No, my role is simple: I give her something to focus on, someone to take care of like a sick kitten. I'm not exactly a person to her, but a problem she can solve if she just tries hard enough -- and it's so very important that she solves it! Every little thing I do is a piece of evidence to collect and dissect and analyze; there's always work to be done to fix me. I'm the most endless, the most urgent project she has. And that's how I help her: I distract her so she doesn't have to think about her own overwhelming anxiety.
I feel bad for saying that -- I don't mean to be harsh. After all, she grew up with my parents too, and their demands on her were so relentless. In a way, I got off easy -- they decided early on that I was defective, and put all the pressure to perform on her. It was like there was this constant comparison between us, which just led to both of us feeling guilty and inadequate -- me for not being good enough, her for not being able to fix me. Truly, it sucked for both of us.
Point is: I love my sister. I know she loves me. I know she's working on this with her therapist. I hope it works, because honestly, I could use some space.
---
*One last thing: I highly recommend that you consider trying some form of meditation -- it's helpful both for quieting your own anxiety (which speaks loud and clear through your question) as well as cultivating an attitude of loving, compassionate non-judgement towards other people (which sounds like it might be a useful change to your usual approach to your sister). I've been really enjoying the Headspace app lately, but there are also lots of free meditations available online. Here's one free set of guided meditations I really like; if you search Ask Metafilter for others, you'll find plenty of recommendations.
posted by ourobouros at 7:20 AM on January 1, 2018 [36 favorites]
Everything you re describing other than this is 100% absolutely fine -- some of us are hibernators -- except this:
hasn't left the house, showered, or gotten dressed in weeks.
Can you please put a quantitative value on that? Because that sounds like hyperbole. I mean, I've gone 10 days max but that's gross and also a sign of depression / grief / other acute situational symptom.
Regardless of the reason, the healthy boundary you asked for is: when sharing space with other people, she has an obligation to not smell and to maintain basic hygiene. End of.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:22 AM on January 1, 2018 [2 favorites]
hasn't left the house, showered, or gotten dressed in weeks.
Can you please put a quantitative value on that? Because that sounds like hyperbole. I mean, I've gone 10 days max but that's gross and also a sign of depression / grief / other acute situational symptom.
Regardless of the reason, the healthy boundary you asked for is: when sharing space with other people, she has an obligation to not smell and to maintain basic hygiene. End of.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:22 AM on January 1, 2018 [2 favorites]
Yes, it sounds like your sister might have an eating disorder. I was bulimic for years, and at my worst, I did everything in that list up there (and, unfortunately, more).
For what it's worth, if I were in her shoes, I wouldn't like someone else keeping tabs on what I ate or didn't eat (I already did that myself). In fact, other people's attention always made it worse for me. You can tell her you care about her, but after that I would second another commenter's suggestion to move the hell out. Sometimes I wish my family/friends did this, instead of being so accommodating/understanding — because their love came with this unspoken pressure to get well (as in, they needed me to get well, for their mental sanity, so they didn't have to worry). I resented them for it. I'd rather they have severed ties, moved out, whatever, and allowed me to figure out for myself whether I wanted to get well or not.
posted by Spiderwoman at 7:25 AM on January 1, 2018 [3 favorites]
For what it's worth, if I were in her shoes, I wouldn't like someone else keeping tabs on what I ate or didn't eat (I already did that myself). In fact, other people's attention always made it worse for me. You can tell her you care about her, but after that I would second another commenter's suggestion to move the hell out. Sometimes I wish my family/friends did this, instead of being so accommodating/understanding — because their love came with this unspoken pressure to get well (as in, they needed me to get well, for their mental sanity, so they didn't have to worry). I resented them for it. I'd rather they have severed ties, moved out, whatever, and allowed me to figure out for myself whether I wanted to get well or not.
posted by Spiderwoman at 7:25 AM on January 1, 2018 [3 favorites]
Best answer: The showering is the only thing that gives me pause there, and I suppose even then it’s a matter mostly of timing. Like, she’s on winter break, enjoying a large quantity of being cozy and hanging in her room, not doing anything that gets her sweaty or gross, if she wants to skip a few days and have some vacation dirtbag time, why not? Weeks is excessive and potentially worrisome but I can’t tell if you mean like “a week and a half” or “two months” and they’re different points on a worrisome spectrum.
My perspective, for what it’s worth, is from someone who is always sort of low-key depressed but that is very clearly differentiated from times in my life when I’ve had major depressive episodes. The latter screws with my basic functionality and keeps me from doing decently at work/school. The former? It’s just who I am, even after years of meds and therapy. I’m always going to be a person with particular sleep, eating, and social habits that might seem less than ideal to an outsider but it’s honestly not anything to worry about, and my therapists would tell you the same. It’s a way of living my life that works fine for me.
It does seem like you two might be bouncing off each other in a way that exacerbates things for both of you. You’re worrying about her and maybe don’t need to. For her, well. Honestly I can imagine that if my sibling/roommate were up at the crack of dawn constantly working on projects and visibly monitoring my food habits and rarely out of our shared space, I might end up retreating further into my own room, snacking rather than coming out for meals, taking my showers when my sister is out for her walks, etc.
You sound like a good and caring sister who wants to do the right thing here, but it also sounds like maybe you could both use a bit more space from each other. Maybe it would be a good idea to float the idea of moving out, at some point. Short term, I think I would just keep working with your therapist on your own life stuff, and leave your sister be, beyond generally taking an interest in her life as you would anyway, and being someone she can ask for help if she does need it.
posted by Stacey at 7:32 AM on January 1, 2018 [7 favorites]
My perspective, for what it’s worth, is from someone who is always sort of low-key depressed but that is very clearly differentiated from times in my life when I’ve had major depressive episodes. The latter screws with my basic functionality and keeps me from doing decently at work/school. The former? It’s just who I am, even after years of meds and therapy. I’m always going to be a person with particular sleep, eating, and social habits that might seem less than ideal to an outsider but it’s honestly not anything to worry about, and my therapists would tell you the same. It’s a way of living my life that works fine for me.
It does seem like you two might be bouncing off each other in a way that exacerbates things for both of you. You’re worrying about her and maybe don’t need to. For her, well. Honestly I can imagine that if my sibling/roommate were up at the crack of dawn constantly working on projects and visibly monitoring my food habits and rarely out of our shared space, I might end up retreating further into my own room, snacking rather than coming out for meals, taking my showers when my sister is out for her walks, etc.
You sound like a good and caring sister who wants to do the right thing here, but it also sounds like maybe you could both use a bit more space from each other. Maybe it would be a good idea to float the idea of moving out, at some point. Short term, I think I would just keep working with your therapist on your own life stuff, and leave your sister be, beyond generally taking an interest in her life as you would anyway, and being someone she can ask for help if she does need it.
posted by Stacey at 7:32 AM on January 1, 2018 [7 favorites]
2nding Harriet Lerner - you can probably find her books at the library.
posted by bunderful at 7:51 AM on January 1, 2018
posted by bunderful at 7:51 AM on January 1, 2018
Typically if you have a hunch about someone having one, they have one.
I lost a bunch of weight when I was 15. Completely unrelated, I tend to vomit if I exercise on a full stomach. I would ask to have PE scheduled before lunch, but was usually refused. So, people heard me throwing up a few times and saw that I had lost weight, and before you know it, it was in my permanent school record that I had bulimia. Teachers abd even other students would ask me about it right up until the time I graduated. So, I'd put a LOT of stress on that “typically.”
posted by The Underpants Monster at 7:56 AM on January 1, 2018 [8 favorites]
I lost a bunch of weight when I was 15. Completely unrelated, I tend to vomit if I exercise on a full stomach. I would ask to have PE scheduled before lunch, but was usually refused. So, people heard me throwing up a few times and saw that I had lost weight, and before you know it, it was in my permanent school record that I had bulimia. Teachers abd even other students would ask me about it right up until the time I graduated. So, I'd put a LOT of stress on that “typically.”
posted by The Underpants Monster at 7:56 AM on January 1, 2018 [8 favorites]
These things don't make me thinking "eating disorder" as much as they make me think "depression". This is what depression looks like for me and many people I've known. That said, I'm not sure there is much you can do.
posted by mkuhnell at 9:23 AM on January 1, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by mkuhnell at 9:23 AM on January 1, 2018 [3 favorites]
Also more in the depression camp than ED, but they could be somewhat intertwined, based on possible malnutrition. I was basically very much the same as your sister when I was massively malnourished in terms of B vitamins.
Based on your comment that she complains of being cold and tired often, I would suggest that your sister needs a good thyroid work up. There may be an issue there.
Good comments above about the codependency in your relationship. But it's a separate issue/Ask.
posted by vignettist at 9:47 AM on January 1, 2018
Based on your comment that she complains of being cold and tired often, I would suggest that your sister needs a good thyroid work up. There may be an issue there.
Good comments above about the codependency in your relationship. But it's a separate issue/Ask.
posted by vignettist at 9:47 AM on January 1, 2018
I'll give a stab at answering your question of what it's like to be that person. Here are the list of things you are concerned about:
-sleeping for 10 to 12 hours a day
- watching a lot of TV in bed
- cancelling plans made with friends
- rarely leaving curtained room
- eats very small portions of real food and often have half-eaten bowls in the fridge. She keeps a lot of snacks in her room, though, so I have no idea how much she does actually eat. (we buy and cook our own groceries and eat on our own)
- complains about being cold and tired often
- saying that she isn't hungry when i asked if she has eaten
- hasn't left the house, showered, or gotten dressed in weeks.
This sounds like winter vacation to me - particularly in a cold area. I think people who aren't bothered by the cold don't really understand how debilitating feeling cold can be. I had to move to a warm location because it was so bad for me. After a hard semester, in a cold climate, hiding out for a month in my room, in bed where it is warm(!!) and watching TV sounds like paradise. Isn't it 5 degrees in most of North America right now? Why anyone is leaving their bed at all is a mystery to me.
Not showering is not something I can relate to though.
Questions for you: What is the temperature in your house? Are there space heaters? Can you set them up with warm blankets in other parts of the house? Is your house drafty? Are your windows covered?
Also, why are you asking her if she has eaten? Your not her mom and she is an adult. Step off. That is at least how I would see it.
It sounds like you are pretty judgmental of her choices - whether or not you are airing them to her, she knows. I wouldn't want to leave my room either if my roommate/sister was going to be looking me over and monitoring my eating and showering habits. One of the luxuries of being at home is being able to be independent, and sometimes, gross. It may be helpful to her if you actually left the house for large parts of the day - or even did an overnight somewhere else to give her space. It sounds suffocating.
posted by Toddles at 10:07 AM on January 1, 2018 [4 favorites]
-sleeping for 10 to 12 hours a day
- watching a lot of TV in bed
- cancelling plans made with friends
- rarely leaving curtained room
- eats very small portions of real food and often have half-eaten bowls in the fridge. She keeps a lot of snacks in her room, though, so I have no idea how much she does actually eat. (we buy and cook our own groceries and eat on our own)
- complains about being cold and tired often
- saying that she isn't hungry when i asked if she has eaten
- hasn't left the house, showered, or gotten dressed in weeks.
This sounds like winter vacation to me - particularly in a cold area. I think people who aren't bothered by the cold don't really understand how debilitating feeling cold can be. I had to move to a warm location because it was so bad for me. After a hard semester, in a cold climate, hiding out for a month in my room, in bed where it is warm(!!) and watching TV sounds like paradise. Isn't it 5 degrees in most of North America right now? Why anyone is leaving their bed at all is a mystery to me.
Not showering is not something I can relate to though.
Questions for you: What is the temperature in your house? Are there space heaters? Can you set them up with warm blankets in other parts of the house? Is your house drafty? Are your windows covered?
Also, why are you asking her if she has eaten? Your not her mom and she is an adult. Step off. That is at least how I would see it.
It sounds like you are pretty judgmental of her choices - whether or not you are airing them to her, she knows. I wouldn't want to leave my room either if my roommate/sister was going to be looking me over and monitoring my eating and showering habits. One of the luxuries of being at home is being able to be independent, and sometimes, gross. It may be helpful to her if you actually left the house for large parts of the day - or even did an overnight somewhere else to give her space. It sounds suffocating.
posted by Toddles at 10:07 AM on January 1, 2018 [4 favorites]
I kind of get where you're coming from. I was the oldest of four kids, so I had to take on a fair amount of childcare responsibilities, too. So first, of course, you're not her parent despite having had a more parental role than most siblings, but also, even if you were her parent, she is an adult and it doesn't sound like you're treating her like one. She is a grownup now, and it's really important for her to be able to make adult decisions on her own, without constant, unsolicited input from 'parental' figures, especially at such a low level.
And it's really important for people to understand the difference between empathy and projection. Most of these behaviors are pretty well within normal things that people do, even if they'd indicate a problem if you did them. She is a different person from you, and you cannot meaningfully experience the world from her perspective, particularly when you're using yourself as a measure for what's normal. If she's telling you that she's OK and these are her normal, healthy preferences, putting yourself in her shoes would require you to suspend the skepticism a bit and consider that yeah, these behaviors can be normal and well adjusted for other people. A lot of people do kind of hibernate in cold weather.
So you are almost definitely right that this is a perspective thing, and that your preferences would seem weird to others too. (Or even BE weird for others.)
Young people adopt some pretty dysfunctional eating habits sometimes, especially when they're first out on their own. And people have a hair trigger for 'diagnosing' young women with eating disorders (that has also happened to me, to the point that I could swear people were actively trying to give me an eating disorder), so please be mindful of how closely you're monitoring what she's eating. Young men always seem to get away with a couple years of living on junk food without people making those assumptions. She's probably just tired of you telling her what to eat. Maybe she's in her room eating donuts and Cheetos all day just because she can.
And with the showering, are you really sure it's weeks? When the hygiene challenged people I've known went more than, say, a week without bathing, it would stink up the whole place. If she'd gone multiple weeks, I'd expect your question to revolve primarily around that. A multi-week unbathed person will fill your whole living space, in my experience, with the smell of sewage, rotten fruit, and/or raw, rotting chicken. Hell, the fact that you are still cooking and eating in your living space indicates it's probably not been as long as you think. The smell of someone staying indoors, eating junk food, and not bathing for literally weeks is outright nauseating, and you don't get fully used to it, especially if you spend time outside the house.
I'd agree that it's probably a good idea to move to separate quarters if you can, but I know how big an if that is, so I'll just suggest you back off a bit, let her know you're there for her if she does have issues, and at least for the duration of her winter break, leave her be.
posted by ernielundquist at 2:00 PM on January 1, 2018 [5 favorites]
And it's really important for people to understand the difference between empathy and projection. Most of these behaviors are pretty well within normal things that people do, even if they'd indicate a problem if you did them. She is a different person from you, and you cannot meaningfully experience the world from her perspective, particularly when you're using yourself as a measure for what's normal. If she's telling you that she's OK and these are her normal, healthy preferences, putting yourself in her shoes would require you to suspend the skepticism a bit and consider that yeah, these behaviors can be normal and well adjusted for other people. A lot of people do kind of hibernate in cold weather.
So you are almost definitely right that this is a perspective thing, and that your preferences would seem weird to others too. (Or even BE weird for others.)
Young people adopt some pretty dysfunctional eating habits sometimes, especially when they're first out on their own. And people have a hair trigger for 'diagnosing' young women with eating disorders (that has also happened to me, to the point that I could swear people were actively trying to give me an eating disorder), so please be mindful of how closely you're monitoring what she's eating. Young men always seem to get away with a couple years of living on junk food without people making those assumptions. She's probably just tired of you telling her what to eat. Maybe she's in her room eating donuts and Cheetos all day just because she can.
And with the showering, are you really sure it's weeks? When the hygiene challenged people I've known went more than, say, a week without bathing, it would stink up the whole place. If she'd gone multiple weeks, I'd expect your question to revolve primarily around that. A multi-week unbathed person will fill your whole living space, in my experience, with the smell of sewage, rotten fruit, and/or raw, rotting chicken. Hell, the fact that you are still cooking and eating in your living space indicates it's probably not been as long as you think. The smell of someone staying indoors, eating junk food, and not bathing for literally weeks is outright nauseating, and you don't get fully used to it, especially if you spend time outside the house.
I'd agree that it's probably a good idea to move to separate quarters if you can, but I know how big an if that is, so I'll just suggest you back off a bit, let her know you're there for her if she does have issues, and at least for the duration of her winter break, leave her be.
posted by ernielundquist at 2:00 PM on January 1, 2018 [5 favorites]
If she’s laying around all day, she doesn’t need as many calories as someone who is going to work, etc.
I can flip this on you and say that you are not getting a healthy amount of sleep. People need different things and while they’re not all optimal choices, for most adults they ARE a choice.
posted by AFABulous at 2:31 PM on January 1, 2018 [1 favorite]
I can flip this on you and say that you are not getting a healthy amount of sleep. People need different things and while they’re not all optimal choices, for most adults they ARE a choice.
posted by AFABulous at 2:31 PM on January 1, 2018 [1 favorite]
if I do all the things she does, I would be so extremely uncomfortable and unhappy.
As a person whose body has a relationship with the day/night cycle similar to your sister's, I'm pretty sure that if she did all the things you do, she would be extremely uncomfortable and unhappy.
For what it's worth, I also find it quite wearing to be around people who get antsy without something to do. I enjoy the company of my fellow contemplatives rather more.
My sister believes that she's totally fine and well-adjusted and doesn't need therapy.
I recommend extending her the courtesy of believing her.
posted by flabdablet at 8:51 PM on January 1, 2018 [4 favorites]
As a person whose body has a relationship with the day/night cycle similar to your sister's, I'm pretty sure that if she did all the things you do, she would be extremely uncomfortable and unhappy.
For what it's worth, I also find it quite wearing to be around people who get antsy without something to do. I enjoy the company of my fellow contemplatives rather more.
My sister believes that she's totally fine and well-adjusted and doesn't need therapy.
I recommend extending her the courtesy of believing her.
posted by flabdablet at 8:51 PM on January 1, 2018 [4 favorites]
Gonna suggest that your sister may have sensory processing issues - food textures might be one reason why she doesn't eat the same kind of meals you do. Tags and seams might be why she does get dressed. Staying up until four AM could be because those are the quiet hours. Not showering? Do you have any idea how violently stimulating showering can be?
Now when I say sensory processing issues, what I mean is your sister may have the gift of being more sensitive than you are. Sensory processing is not disordered unless it is making her unhappy or making it hard for her to manage. But from the sound of it, your sister with her comfy bed, and her slow metabolism that doesn't require as many calories as yours does, has set up her life to enjoy winter on her own terms.
Most people do not like skiing, or ice skating, or winter hiking. They run from the house to the car while wearing an insubstantial jacket and from the car to the store. And they complain it's cold every darn day of winter because they don't like it ever being colder than room temperature, even for a few minutes. It could be that your sister has a more normal metabolism than you do!
Since you want to help your sister, perhaps you could figure out what kind of help she actually enjoys getting. Ask her! "If you had a secret friend, what would you want your secret friend to do?" or "I'm going out to the store. Can I do any shopping for you?" And then do those things for her - whatever they might be, ranging from being quiet until she wakes up at 1 PM, or buying fresh flowers or never slowing down the apartment internet connection by doing downloads without checking in with her first. You can turn your anxiety about looking after her into practical things without suspecting or feeling that she is defective.
posted by Jane the Brown at 8:31 AM on January 2, 2018
Now when I say sensory processing issues, what I mean is your sister may have the gift of being more sensitive than you are. Sensory processing is not disordered unless it is making her unhappy or making it hard for her to manage. But from the sound of it, your sister with her comfy bed, and her slow metabolism that doesn't require as many calories as yours does, has set up her life to enjoy winter on her own terms.
Most people do not like skiing, or ice skating, or winter hiking. They run from the house to the car while wearing an insubstantial jacket and from the car to the store. And they complain it's cold every darn day of winter because they don't like it ever being colder than room temperature, even for a few minutes. It could be that your sister has a more normal metabolism than you do!
Since you want to help your sister, perhaps you could figure out what kind of help she actually enjoys getting. Ask her! "If you had a secret friend, what would you want your secret friend to do?" or "I'm going out to the store. Can I do any shopping for you?" And then do those things for her - whatever they might be, ranging from being quiet until she wakes up at 1 PM, or buying fresh flowers or never slowing down the apartment internet connection by doing downloads without checking in with her first. You can turn your anxiety about looking after her into practical things without suspecting or feeling that she is defective.
posted by Jane the Brown at 8:31 AM on January 2, 2018
Typically if you have a hunch about someone having one, they have one.
I'm someone who's been suspected of having an eating disorder by multiple family members over the years but I really don't. When I was in college, I ate smaller meals or didn't eat proper meals at all on some days but it was never over some sort of preoccupation with my weight. It's not at all unusual for college students to have eating habits like this, in my experience. You no longer have an adult monitoring your food intake actively and you're also young enough that you don't yet see obvious consequences to eating unhealthily.
All of the other stuff also just sounds like normal college student slovenliness. Maybe there is some other underlying problem there but I don't think what you describe is nearly enough grounds to be sure there is one. Sleeping and eating in weird patterns and not taking regular showers is one thing when you have a job and real adult responsibilities but in my experience, not at all atypical among college students. Especially for a few weeks. If she acts like this after break is over or it has serious, disruptive effects on any part of her life (missing a job or internship interview or something or failing a class), there might be reason to pry further.
posted by armadillo1224 at 1:31 PM on January 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
I'm someone who's been suspected of having an eating disorder by multiple family members over the years but I really don't. When I was in college, I ate smaller meals or didn't eat proper meals at all on some days but it was never over some sort of preoccupation with my weight. It's not at all unusual for college students to have eating habits like this, in my experience. You no longer have an adult monitoring your food intake actively and you're also young enough that you don't yet see obvious consequences to eating unhealthily.
All of the other stuff also just sounds like normal college student slovenliness. Maybe there is some other underlying problem there but I don't think what you describe is nearly enough grounds to be sure there is one. Sleeping and eating in weird patterns and not taking regular showers is one thing when you have a job and real adult responsibilities but in my experience, not at all atypical among college students. Especially for a few weeks. If she acts like this after break is over or it has serious, disruptive effects on any part of her life (missing a job or internship interview or something or failing a class), there might be reason to pry further.
posted by armadillo1224 at 1:31 PM on January 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
« Older Can someone tell me where the quotation mark key... | Upgrade my point-and-shoot or move to DSLR? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
Truly, the only thing on your list that gave me pause is that you say she has not showered in weeks. Is that accurate?
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 6:28 AM on January 1, 2018 [12 favorites]