How to deal with a friend that I feel is being passive-aggressive?
December 12, 2017 5:03 AM   Subscribe

My friend is ignoring me, for what seems like no real good reason, after some weirdness with my ex boyfriend. She's ignored me before, over a situation where she felt like I wasn't communicating enough with her- when my dad was literally dying, and I had actually made efforts to reach out. We're supposed to be going away together - just the two of us - for new year and I'm considering telling her this can't happen. However, I always second guess myself and my feelings, and know I can be sensitive. Perhaps I care too much about this, and should keep her as a superficial friend if not a close one? I just feel personally (especially lately) like life is perhaps a little too short for this sort of stuff, which is causing me a lot of worry on top of an already mammoth amount of processing of difficult stuff from the last three years.

Friend (of about 15 years, though not close for all of that time, and she has lived in another city for the last ten years) told me a few weeks ago that my ex-boyfriend (whose behaviour can be quite disrespectful of normal boundaries - he has a lot of slightly off friendships with inappropriate women) had gotten in touch with her on social media and proceeded to ask her when she was next in our city (he had seen she was there that day)...this then led to a chat and him asking her if she wanted to go for a coffee. These guys have met three times maximum, over like ten years, always at a party of mine - so I am their only link, but they know how much the other one means to me.

This isn't a serious long-term ex, but it is someone that I had a very intense six months with about six years ago and who had become quite a good friend of mine since. He even came to my father's funeral recently, for instance. She said she wanted to let me know and check with me before getting back to him, that she obviously found it a little weird, she didn't want to upset me and would never do anything, didn't fancy him etc (I had said recently that I sometimes wondered whether I still had feelings for him, and also had been wondering whether he had grown up a bit since we had our thing six years ago).

I said I didn't own either of them, but obviously I would find it a bit weird if anything happened between them, especially as I'd spoken to her about considering whether it was worth picking up with him again (I have gotten the sense through the years that he might still have feelings for me buried somewhere, and a good friend of ours recently said she thinks that is the case).

She said she wouldn't meet with him and had thought it was completely innocent. I accepted that explanation, and said that she wasn't to know he could be iffy like that and that it was kind of unsurprising and in a way, maybe quite positive he'd done that as it reminded me who he was - always getting himself into weird ambiguous situations (ours had been a bit like that too - could never tell where his head was at, and then when I broke it off he pursued me for ages after saying he'd just been too defensive because he didn't know where MY head was at and didn't want to be hurt. A head f*** to say the least).

I was due to see said ex-boyfriend for lunch and to exchange something I'd borrowed from him the week after. During lunch, I lightheartedly said I'd heard he'd been in touch with friend for a coffee, and teased him about it (we have a very lighthearted relationship, and tease each other a lot - we also have both had a few different partners since, so this didn't feel out of bounds). In all honesty, I felt disrespected and quite hurt that he would approach my friend - especially at such a vulnerable time for me - and wanted him to know this without making a big deal out of it. I assumed that he would understand and say he hadn't meant to offend and that he'd back off. I guess cos I'd never dream of approaching a friend of his.

He kind of deflected the subject, saying that he'd never go out with someone that he didn't live in the city as again. I replied to say that I would find it weird if anything happened with her as she was a close friend, and he didn't seem to register this.

Later in the day said friend texted me about something else, and I replied and mentioned I'd seen ex for coffee. Relayed what had been said and said that ex had really annoyed me and made me feel a bit betrayed by not even registering that it might be weird if he was pursuing a mutual friend romantically. This was in the context of saying that I felt like I was just starting to properly grieve for my dad, and that my head was all over the place with the confusing situation with my current boyfriend etc.

Since then, friend has gone from several texts a week or even day to nothing for, like, three weeks.I have reached out in a light touch way a couple of times, and she's replied very curtly, once saying she was sick (there was then a picture posted on Facebook of her out drinking) and then another saying she had been busy (I know she has been, but she always makes time to reply, and the tone was very passive aggressive). I've also noticed that she has started liking all of his Instagram posts (yes, I realise this is very petty to have noticed even) -- he has been liking all of hers for weeks now.

This kind of reminds me of earlier this year, when we'd been talking about going away for last new year's and I'd been non-committal because my dad was terminally ill and I was looking after him a lot. It was very difficult to predict what was going on and I basically couldn't confirm anything till last minute. She knew this and had said she understood it was difficult to plan, yet was really moody with me for months.

I eventually saw her in person and asked why she was being weird and she said she 'missed her friend' and that she'd noticed I was leaving my job on Facebook and that I hadn't;t told her and she felt hurt at that (I was basically having a breakdown at the time from a very stressful three years of caring for people with cancer, and had dropped out of the job at pretty short notice - it wasn't like it was a carefully planned exit).

I was completely understanding, said I was sorry communication had been patchy and that it had been nothing personal. This was after six months of similar passive aggressive behaviour - going hot then cold, inviting me to things then saying 'it's fine if you don't come' in a really dismissive way etc. I feel that she made what was the most difficult period in my life about her, and that this behaviour was petty. She said she was glad I'd bought it up as she never would have herself, that she loved me and wanted to be there for me etc, but in all honesty I just felt exhausted that I had to do the work in that situation.

We are supposed to be going away - just the two of us - for new year. Yesterday I sent her a short text asking if everything was okay as she'd gone quiet, and there's been no reply. I'm considering sending another in a few days if I don't hear back telling her that I don't have energy for this passive aggressive behaviour and calling the trip off. I just can't handle all of this power play and feel that ignoring her in turn is going as low as she is. However, it also gives her ammo to say she was just busy and I'm massively overreacting.

I guess I also have other misgivings about her as a person, which I've never judged her on, but which do maybe point to someone who can act a little shiftily. For example, seeming to show no remorse for having an affair with a married man; cheating on her two long-term boyfriends; declaring herself bankrupt just so she could start afresh and go on very expensive holidays on credit etc.

How would you deal with it?
posted by starstarstar to Human Relations (25 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
This is just me, but I want people to do what feels good to them. People I once dated, people I crush on, friends... if doinking so-and-so makes them happy, who am I to stop them.

At the same time, you recently lost your father and people ought to be more considerate if your feelings.
posted by little_dog_laughing at 5:21 AM on December 12, 2017 [3 favorites]


You don't like that this person is seeing your ex, and based on your last paragraph, you don't like her in general, either. Cancel the trip and slow fade on her. There isn't anything here to "deal with".
posted by ElectricGoat at 5:23 AM on December 12, 2017 [10 favorites]


Response by poster: Thanks. Just to be clear, it would feel weird if something happened between them, but I broadly agree with you - I have no rights over either of them. The thing that is upsetting me here is the silent treatment, and lack of speaking up if she is annoyed with me. Seeing as she said she wasn't interested at all in the ex, and I am close to both of them, I didn't think it'd be a problem me mentioning he'd been in touch (if that's what she is even annoyed about).
posted by starstarstar at 5:24 AM on December 12, 2017


Life shouldn't be an episode of Three's Company where the plot is driven by misunderstanding due to not communicating. Speak to your friend. Tell them what you think and feel.
posted by srboisvert at 5:31 AM on December 12, 2017 [5 favorites]


Response by poster: I agree....I've tried reaching out, three times, to no response or one-liners. Not sure how else I can reach out at this point.
posted by starstarstar at 5:33 AM on December 12, 2017


in all honesty I just felt exhausted that I had to do the work in that situation.

This does not seem likely to change. Your friend is selfish. If I were you, I would not expend any more energy to maintain this friendship. If your friend wants to put in the work, that's great! If not, there's your answer.
posted by coppermoss at 5:34 AM on December 12, 2017 [2 favorites]


This part:

"During lunch, I lightheartedly said I'd heard he'd been in touch with friend for a coffee, and teased him about it (we have a very lighthearted relationship, and tease each other a lot - we also have both had a few different partners since, so this didn't feel out of bounds). In all honesty, I felt disrespected and quite hurt that he would approach my friend - especially at such a vulnerable time for me - and wanted him to know this without making a big deal out of it. I assumed that he would understand and say he hadn't meant to offend and that he'd back off. I guess cos I'd never dream of approaching a friend of his."

suggests that it might be beneficial to communicate a little more directly about your feelings, to both of the other parties in this situation. You brought it up in a lighthearted way, and assumed that he'd know that you felt seriously disrespected and hurt. From the information you've given us, it's not necessarily fair to expect that he'd infer that. If I were your ex, and friend, I'd want to know if something I'd done had hurt you. The best way to do that is by saying so directly.
posted by ITheCosmos at 5:34 AM on December 12, 2017 [25 favorites]


I'm going to work backwards from the end of your post here.

Last of all, you think your friend is a bad person and you back that up with one count of adultery, two counts of cheating and one count of quasi-fraudulent handling of finances.

Well, why would you want to be friends with someone as untrustworthy as that? Vice versa, why would she want to be friends with someone who thinks she's that untrustworthy?

Second-last of all, you say she's ignoring you and dodging firming up plans for the New Year. Well, you can avoid conflict by saying "it looks like New Year's plans aren't panning out, so, if I don't see you, etc."

Third-last of all, you say she showed a complete lack of empathy for your inability to socialize while your father was dying. Again, why would you want to be friends with someone like that?

And prior to that, some business with an ex you may or may not have been hoping to rekindle things with, versus the ex and your friend stirring the pot and triangulating with you about possibly dating each other and vice versa, all of which you were trying to police.

Well, on the one hand it's disingenuous and controlling of you to try to monitor the dating of a guy you say you have options on but aren't currently dating. On the other hand it's provocative and manipulative of them to have drawn you into a triangle like this - but it's working, isn't it? You're all-in on the triangle and pulling your weight. In fact one of the interpretations of this question is that it boils down to: is my ex, who I have dibs on, dating my friend and should I drop her over it?

The answer is to drop both of them, because you consider the two of them shady human beings apparently with good reason, and because regardless of history and/or how shady the two of them are as human beings they nevertheless have the right to date each other without being policed by his ex.

As for downgrading someone to a more casual friend: I can only speak for myself but I don't do any form of "we're friends, but I don't care about you".

I would also suggest that drawing firmer boundaries might help - consider not remaining friends with exes if what you really want is to rekindle things, consider ending friendships with people who don't show basic empathy, consider not being friends with people you think of as immoral/untrustworthy.

tl;dr if I were to suggest one course of action it would be to take a step back and ask yourself what your definition of "friend" is going to be from now on.
posted by tel3path at 5:34 AM on December 12, 2017 [35 favorites]


And I just wanna add that I'm sorry because I know how extra very hurtful it is to lose friends right on the heels of losing your father. That's its own very poignant kind of grief, when your friends are still living and are walking around and talking and could talk to you if they wanted to, but they don't.

At the same time, here's your opportunity to clean house and rid yourself of shitty friends now and in the future.
posted by tel3path at 5:38 AM on December 12, 2017 [3 favorites]


Just ask her if she still wants to do the New Year's thing. If she doesn't respond enthusiastically, tell her that you'll make other plans. If she responds enthusiastically then you can use the trip to reconnect and work shit out.

I think that your current fragile state is leading you to inadvertently escalate drama and stir things up/ overreact unnecessarily. And it sounds like she's someone who's very sensitive to perceived faults. If you don't think you're a good fit, end your friendship, but given that you've been close in the past, it sounds like you might want to keep her.
posted by metasarah at 5:47 AM on December 12, 2017 [4 favorites]


Mod note: A couple deleted. Sorry, starstarstar, but Ask Metafilter isn't meant to be a conversation or back and forth; it's basically just: ask a question, get various answers to consider, choose what seems most helpful, and then perhaps report at the end on how things worked out or if you were able to make a decision. If something needs clarification, or if someone asks a non-rhetorical direct question you want to answer that's usually okay (within limits), but aside from that, it's fine just to relax and read the advice.
posted by taz (staff) at 5:54 AM on December 12, 2017


Honestly, it sounds like you have trouble with boundaries and forming healthy friendships, and have sought out this kind of unreliable woman and then formed an unreliable friendship with her. Your behavior seems unlikely to get you what you want - you want friends who don't hook up with friends' high-intensity exes, you want friends who don't do the silent treatment when they're angry, you want friends with whom you can communicate directly, you want friends who will be more thoughtful about what you are going through and adjust their wishes in response....and you have this woman. It may be that the dynamic between you is what's unhealthy and she's a perfectly lovely person most of the time - I've definitely had a couple of friends where we brought out the worst in each other.

As to what to do: ask her if she still wants to go to New Year's and ask her directly if she wants to date this dude and that's what is making things awkward between you. Give her a chance to be direct. Maybe she can't manage "I am totally upfront with my feelings" right now, but a good friend will manage "I'm going to be a little more direct and responsive to the best of my ability".

In the long term, can you seek out therapy and/or other social milieux? Think about five years down the road - will you feel good about five years more of off-and-on communication, stress, etc? It seems like if you could work on communicating more directly, either in therapy or in some kind of "journaling and self-help books" way, and if you could seek out people who are more reliably adult about communication, you could have a really better situation down the road. Learning to be more direct might be enough to set your relationship with this woman on a new track, even.

This all just seems like a shame - a lot of conflict and stress for you over things that should be resolvable through actually talking.
posted by Frowner at 5:55 AM on December 12, 2017 [2 favorites]


I think that your assumption that "obviously" you would find it weird if your friend went on a date with someone you dated for six months, six YEARS ago is off base. That is really pretty ancient history, I'm surprised you even still define your relationship with him as "my ex boyfriend" instead of just "my friend."

I think for as long as you try to be friends with this person who you still have feelings for, six years later, you're going to invite drama like this into your life.
posted by cakelite at 6:28 AM on December 12, 2017 [28 favorites]


So, do you want to hang out with her at New Year's or not? I'm not actually sure. Your friendship with this woman seems like a lot of work on your side and not a lot of reward from her in terms of support (or even consideration). It's OK to just let this friendship die! (Even if she says stuff like, "I miss my friend!" - oh well.)

If you want to salvage the friendship, sure, try and have it out with her and explain how you feel and ask for what you need. But it sounds like asking for what you want is hard for you, and being supportive is hard for her, so maybe you guys are just not meant to be friends right now - you're currently kind of incompatible. It seems unlikely that you guys are in a position where you can have the kind of discussion that will resolve things between you.

If I were you, I would send a text that says, "Hey, it seems like neither of us is really feeling this New Year's plan - let's call it off for this year."
posted by mskyle at 6:31 AM on December 12, 2017 [3 favorites]


I think these two sound like absolute nonsense, but I like them for you right now. They seem both entirely expendable and preternaturally gifted at creating silly distracting drama. It will take years to get through the acute stage of grieving your father, and there's no shame in relieving some of the pain early on by indulging in angst over some penny ante acquaintances. Meanwhile, where are your reliable standby friends/family? Are they stepping up? Seek them out. Spend your real energies on them and use these guys the way you use Netflix.
posted by Don Pepino at 7:10 AM on December 12, 2017 [3 favorites]


I read this question and think you are the one who is passive aggressive - she has coffee with an ex from years ago who wasn't even super serious and you're harbouring all these feelings about it that it doesn't sound like you were very clear about, not to mention keeping a laundry list of things that she's done wrong but you're "not judging her" for (hint: you are.)

You seem constantly willing to assume the worst about her and I guess I wonder if maybe she's on to the fact you have been scorekeeping on what a petty, passive aggressive, cheating, shifty person you think she is (all words you used to describe her in this question) and honestly is not that interested in your drama anymore.
posted by notorious medium at 7:14 AM on December 12, 2017 [34 favorites]


You’re completely, totally, 100% in the wrong RE: keeping them apart.

Look, these are the rules regarding friends dating other friends and/or exes: you have no authority whatsoever to stop it. If they ask about your feelings, it is merely to give you a warning like a “heads up” and in no way obligates them to not get together. You’re all adults; it’s been literally years since you dated this guy. Any crush you’re harboring towards him is super unhealthy on your part anyway. Your father’s death has nothing to do with it. I’m truly sorry for your loss, but that still doesn’t give you a pass in this situation.

You admit she has bad taste in men and your ex was kind of a jerk. Perhaps it will crash and burn, or perhaps their brands of jerkiness will somehow mesh perfectly. It’s not your business and not your concern. Your really weird ambush of your ex and telling him “lightheartedly” that you “know” his private business of asking your fiend out and it would be “weird” if he dated her is so out of line. He obviously doesn’t care, because he never asked you to begin with, before asking her out. The only one who cared about you feelings was your long term friend, who you then shut down and triangulated and went behind her back to tell this dude what she told you.

Now you’re in this frankly stupid position of losing your friend who actually cares about you, yet keeping around this jerk who clearly doesn’t, out of some foolish and unhealthy romantic attachment.

Apologize to your friend. Tell her you were out of line and you’re sorry and you shouldn’t have gotten between her and the ex. Be sincere. Good luck.
posted by stockpuppet at 8:03 AM on December 12, 2017 [21 favorites]


This might have gotten lost, but are you really upset with her possibly dating your brief ex of 6 years ago when you have a "current boyfriend"? I feel like she has behaved passive-aggressively, but you have some unreasonable expectations about having dibs on another person and you are not communicating clearly either. It is understandable with the grief haze you must be in, but don't do anything too rash.

1) New Year's: Do you want to go with your friend? If so, use some means that is not a one-line text. FB? Email? Call? If not, just cancel and let her know you're doing that. It is okay to say outright: hey, I am overwhelmed with my feelings right now and don't have the energy to hunt you down, help!

2) If you have feelings for your ex, you are not communicating clearly about that. It's not fair to be dating someone else and want to keep him in reserve in case you decide to pursue him. It is not obvious that your friend and your ex shouldn't date. There are not force fields that automatically descend around people you dated (even intensely) during Obama's first term. If it's that important to you, don't hide it in a lighthearted joke.

3) If you're not feeling your current boyfriend to the point of considering dating shady ex, maybe he's not for you.

I am sorry you're going through this, but I feel like you may not be seeing your role in the drama swirling around.
posted by *s at 9:23 AM on December 12, 2017 [11 favorites]


Hello! Whilst I think everyone's opinion here is useful and valid, I just wanted to drop in on the "someone dating your ex is TOTALLY weird and it's totally fine to feel weird about it" side, because I personally don't think you're in the wrong there.

You have enough reason to dump this friend because of every other thing in your post on their own, let alone together. But for me, there's a right way to go about dating one's friend's ex, and I think it looks quite different to how this panned out.

I mean - are you that surprised? It sounds like she's been behaving in a not-great way both to you and other people in her life, for what sounds like a while now. I have a friend who has been through times like this, and when their "I want to have what I want and I don't care who it impacts or how" behaviours kick in, I just step right away, and stay away until they show signs of being actually someone I want in my life again.
posted by greenish at 9:51 AM on December 12, 2017 [1 favorite]


Seconding this one part - you have a current boyfriend and you seem to be harboring a lot of issues around this ex-boyfriend (that you only dated for six months, six years ago). It might be useful to look at this a little more. It's not fair to current boyfriend or your ex or your friend to be keeping this ex on the back burner, especially while you are in a sensitive and unstable place like grief.

Maybe step away from all three, at least while you are grieving? You really do not seem invested in the current guy; look how deeply he was buried in your question.
posted by queensissy at 11:40 AM on December 12, 2017 [2 favorites]


I get it. You want to be loved the most. By the ex, by the friend. You need love and if they love each other you don't get The Most. You deserve love, too, and need it especially after three heartbreaking years. But I suggest you delete these people from your instagram, text the friend that you are canceling New Years, and focus on the people who love you in ways that make you feel safe.
posted by charlielxxv at 11:41 AM on December 12, 2017


If you stick to the rule of not being friends with or dating people you don't respect, you'll save yourself a lot of drama, as well as avoid the risk of dragging yourself down morally. We don't need to score all the bad behavior here precisely--there's plenty on both sides, you don't own the ex, especially after six years; a good friend should be supportive after a parent's death--to know that down deep you don't respect this woman, you're judging her for a lot of things, and so you should gently fade away on the friendship.

Also, don't string along your current boyfriend while you're still hung up on this ex from six years ago. It's one thing to have leftover longings and regrets; it's another to gossip about whether he still likes you and start posting no-trespassing signs around him. To be honest, it doesn't sound like you respect the ex either, but, either way, you're not being fair to current boyfriend.
posted by praemunire at 12:04 PM on December 12, 2017 [5 favorites]


Best answer: I just read your previous questions and I remember you now. I'm very sorry, you've been through an awful lot of trauma.

I don't know if this situation is really about your friend and your ex at all. You've just lost your father, it sounds like you came quite close to losing your boyfriend to cancer too. I wonder if on some level, you're so scared of losing people that you want to keep this ex as a backup just in case something happens to the man you're with? I think what you've been through makes you want to hold onto relationships extra tight, even when it's not appropriate.

It's a cliche, but you would probably really benefit from someone to talk to about this. I wish you and your boyfriend all the best and hope things get better.
posted by Jubey at 1:38 PM on December 12, 2017 [3 favorites]


Sometimes you have a needy friend and you're just tapped out, and have to take a step back. Especially when you suspect that said friend might be closer to a frenemy, always comparing their life to yours, judging you, resenting you when you're doing better and lording your mistakes over your head.
You don't sound like you're this woman's friend, but rather her frenemy. If you can't let go of her flaws and speak honestly to her, sometimes being the bigger person even when it's not fair that you have to do so, that's not really a solid friendship.
The only thing I will say is that a 15 year long relationship is a helluva thing to throw away. You can do that if you really think she's not worth the trouble, but I'd think carefully about whether it's worth ending the friendship over her imperfect behavior when you have not really been so honest and kind in your interactions here yourself. I think you'll feel better in the long run if you apologize for being bratty about your ex and tell her you truly miss her and want her in your life. And then for goodness sakes use your words when you're hurting. Be the bigger woman, it doesn't make you a sucker it makes you a generous soul.
posted by ch1x0r at 3:56 PM on December 12, 2017 [3 favorites]


It sounds like you feel like you're doing a lot of work for this friendship. I can't tell from what you've written whether this work is actually required by your friend or whether it's more a product of your general level of exhaustion and stress lately making small obstacles and disagreements feel insurmountable. They might care about you very much but their lives aren't your life, and the stresses that are central to your life are only tangential to theirs. A good friend will remember what you are going through and respect it, but they are also living their own lives at the same time and may not understand what an impact it's having on you unless they've been through something similar themselves.

To get to a less jumbled place in your mind, I think you probably need to give yourself some room to breathe and rest and focus on what's most important to you right now. If you want to just go through the motions with your friend for a little while while you do that, that's okay. Or you might conclude that the way you've been thinking about your ex is unhealthy for your actual relationship and your mental health, or that it points to a weakness in your current relationship that you need to address. Or sometimes experiencing personal tragedy does push people apart, when they find they can't relate to each other the way they used to, and you might find this has happened with you and some of your old friends. These are all possibilities but I think you're the only one who can figure out what you want here.
posted by Lady Li at 6:03 PM on December 12, 2017 [1 favorite]


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