Help me torment my child with a screaming chicken
November 22, 2017 11:54 AM Subscribe
My 10 year old and I have been taking turns hiding one of those incredibly annoying screaming rubber chickens (yes, like the one Adam Savage used for his Ultimate Duck Army) to try to surprise and scare/annoy each other. So far he has gotten me MUCH worse than I have gotten him. I need to up the ante and come up with some creative new ways to annoy him with it. The more ridiculous, unexpected, Wile E. Coyote-esque, and over the top, the better.
Have you put it in his pillowcase yet? You'd want it on the bottom side so it's not immediately visible.
Or under a seatcushion or something for a similar effect.
posted by ernielundquist at 12:07 PM on November 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
Or under a seatcushion or something for a similar effect.
posted by ernielundquist at 12:07 PM on November 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
Best answer: easy mode: you could get 2 dozen more of them and put them between mattress and box spring (or bed platform surface, etc) so when he goes to sit on his bed it screams at him.
nightmare mode: get a life sized chicken costume and hide in his closet, leap out and scream in the middle of the night
posted by poffin boffin at 12:08 PM on November 22, 2017 [24 favorites]
nightmare mode: get a life sized chicken costume and hide in his closet, leap out and scream in the middle of the night
posted by poffin boffin at 12:08 PM on November 22, 2017 [24 favorites]
Response by poster: All obvious locations like pillowcases, under the mattress, under seat cushions etc. have been used.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 12:08 PM on November 22, 2017
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 12:08 PM on November 22, 2017
If there is only one, he won't be expecting the second one...
posted by nickggully at 12:09 PM on November 22, 2017 [11 favorites]
posted by nickggully at 12:09 PM on November 22, 2017 [11 favorites]
Best answer: can you rig it up to the chain in your toilet tank so that when he flushes it goes off?
posted by mannequito at 12:10 PM on November 22, 2017 [9 favorites]
posted by mannequito at 12:10 PM on November 22, 2017 [9 favorites]
Inside (what to all appearances is) a bucket of KFC
posted by LobsterMitten at 12:10 PM on November 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by LobsterMitten at 12:10 PM on November 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: mannequito, that is EXACTLY the kind of genius suggestion I was looking for! And he has his own bathroom in the house, so he would be the only one who could trigger it.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 12:11 PM on November 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 12:11 PM on November 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
If you have a shower curtain, you could also surreptitiously slip it under the bathmat while he's in the tub
posted by Mchelly at 12:12 PM on November 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by Mchelly at 12:12 PM on November 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Nothing says Wile E. Coyote like pulleys and overly complicated rigging. You could have the chicken tied to some cord that is draped over a light fixture/ceiling fan etc. Then the rope is pull taught to raise the chicken up. Then tie the other end of the rope to a piece of cardboard or something. Weight that something down with his backpack or something else he has to pick up. So when he picks up the backpack, the chicken swings free.
posted by advicepig at 12:20 PM on November 22, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by advicepig at 12:20 PM on November 22, 2017 [5 favorites]
Wedge it in the crook of a door such that it's triggered when the door is fully opened.
posted by phunniemee at 12:21 PM on November 22, 2017
posted by phunniemee at 12:21 PM on November 22, 2017
Best answer: you could get one of those musical birthday cards that play loud music when you open them, rerecord with the sound of 100 screaming chickens, and then attach the player and movement sensor thingy to something else, like the toilet lid, in the dark of night
posted by poffin boffin at 12:22 PM on November 22, 2017 [13 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 12:22 PM on November 22, 2017 [13 favorites]
Best answer: oh actually blank recordable cards exist in bulk
posted by poffin boffin at 12:23 PM on November 22, 2017 [7 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 12:23 PM on November 22, 2017 [7 favorites]
Does he sleep with his bedroom door closed? Might be possible to rig it above the door with a bit of twine so that opening the door causes it to swing down in his face and go off. Would probably scare the bejesus out of somebody.
posted by willnot at 12:31 PM on November 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by willnot at 12:31 PM on November 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
Rent a horror movie suitable for his age (Goosebumps, ParaNorman, maybe Gremlins), make note of the tense parts, arrange to be walking around as one comes up, and honk the chicken behind him.
posted by Wobbuffet at 12:40 PM on November 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Wobbuffet at 12:40 PM on November 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
If he has a windows computer, you can attach the sound to startup and other stuff. set up remote access and set it off. Ringtone. Set up a website. Put the address of the website in the hosts file. Put it in your calendar so that you randomly surprise him at least once a year for a long time. People tend to not look up. Look at the tops of curtains, light fixtures, etc., for opportunities.
posted by theora55 at 12:41 PM on November 22, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 12:41 PM on November 22, 2017 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Behind the drawers of his dresser, so when the drawer opens up, the duck screams, hidden in the darkness.
Crisper drawer in the fridge.
In the freezer, and you just bought his favorite ice cream.
Is he a sound sleeper? Picture your son, napping on the couch. The duck is compressed with a slip knot and tied to the couch and his ankle. He wakes up, moves, and AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH.
He takes his coat off the hook, and the duck is tied to the hook and the coat. AAHHHHHHHHH.
Really, I think a liberal use of slip knots/fishing line will be the trick.
posted by Grandysaur at 12:41 PM on November 22, 2017 [9 favorites]
Crisper drawer in the fridge.
In the freezer, and you just bought his favorite ice cream.
Is he a sound sleeper? Picture your son, napping on the couch. The duck is compressed with a slip knot and tied to the couch and his ankle. He wakes up, moves, and AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH.
He takes his coat off the hook, and the duck is tied to the hook and the coat. AAHHHHHHHHH.
Really, I think a liberal use of slip knots/fishing line will be the trick.
posted by Grandysaur at 12:41 PM on November 22, 2017 [9 favorites]
* Get an ipad/xbox one/Nintendo Switch cardboard box somehow and put the chicken in there. Wrap it up and put it under the Christmas tree.
* At night when he's in bed (with the blinds curtains pulled closed. Stealthily tape the the chicken to the outside of the window and then knock on the window loudly to freak him out. When he open the blinds the chicken will be there. Bonus points if it's the second story.
* Up the ante and get one of his friends or an aunt/uncle to prank him at their house using any method in this thread.
* Make a bag popcorn and then empty it and put the chicken in there and fasten it closed somehow. Next time when you guys watch a family movie or whatever; make a big deal about popcorn then go make a real bag so that he can hear and smell it. Sneakily switch the real bag for the prepared chicken bag. Then "go to the bathroom" and ask him to take the popcorn out and pour it a bowl.
posted by TomFoolery at 12:46 PM on November 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
* At night when he's in bed (with the blinds curtains pulled closed. Stealthily tape the the chicken to the outside of the window and then knock on the window loudly to freak him out. When he open the blinds the chicken will be there. Bonus points if it's the second story.
* Up the ante and get one of his friends or an aunt/uncle to prank him at their house using any method in this thread.
* Make a bag popcorn and then empty it and put the chicken in there and fasten it closed somehow. Next time when you guys watch a family movie or whatever; make a big deal about popcorn then go make a real bag so that he can hear and smell it. Sneakily switch the real bag for the prepared chicken bag. Then "go to the bathroom" and ask him to take the popcorn out and pour it a bowl.
posted by TomFoolery at 12:46 PM on November 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
Some more:
* take him fishing and fill the chicken with rocks so it sinks and then somehow get it on the end of his line so that he reels it in after an hour of just sitting there waiting for a bite.
* go hiking and "get lost" and wander into a patch of forest that has bunch of chickens hanging from the trees like the Blair Witch Project.
* record a bunch of random squawks and then send him the computer file and a link to a Morse code key and say there is a secret message leading to a prize if he can decipher it. (There's no prize, the squawks are random). He'll be listening and studying the chicken noise over and over. (or be less cruel and actually encode a message that leads him to a box with, you guessed it, a chicken inside!)
posted by TomFoolery at 12:55 PM on November 22, 2017
* take him fishing and fill the chicken with rocks so it sinks and then somehow get it on the end of his line so that he reels it in after an hour of just sitting there waiting for a bite.
* go hiking and "get lost" and wander into a patch of forest that has bunch of chickens hanging from the trees like the Blair Witch Project.
* record a bunch of random squawks and then send him the computer file and a link to a Morse code key and say there is a secret message leading to a prize if he can decipher it. (There's no prize, the squawks are random). He'll be listening and studying the chicken noise over and over. (or be less cruel and actually encode a message that leads him to a box with, you guessed it, a chicken inside!)
posted by TomFoolery at 12:55 PM on November 22, 2017
It might take a bit of experimentation to get them to honk, but I'm envisaging rubber chickens tied to the blades of a ceiling fan, with a pile of yellow craft feathers carefully balanced on top of each blade. Kid turns fan on, chickens honk, feathers fly everywhere. Rubber chicken massacre!
posted by embrangled at 1:51 PM on November 22, 2017 [6 favorites]
posted by embrangled at 1:51 PM on November 22, 2017 [6 favorites]
1. Depending how dark your sense of humor is, you can go with a dozen headless rubber chickens in a Dunkin Donuts box.
The next day, a box of Munchkins shows up filled with a dozen rubber chicken heads.
I guess you could do feet instead, so it would be a little more PG.
2. Could you manage to get the chicken into his school locker or desk? Maybe have one of his teachers say he has a special class partner to pair with him?
posted by dancinglamb at 1:56 PM on November 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
The next day, a box of Munchkins shows up filled with a dozen rubber chicken heads.
I guess you could do feet instead, so it would be a little more PG.
2. Could you manage to get the chicken into his school locker or desk? Maybe have one of his teachers say he has a special class partner to pair with him?
posted by dancinglamb at 1:56 PM on November 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Does he have his own phone, and do you have access to it?
1. Make a duck bomb ringtone.
2. After child is asleep, borrow phone.
3. Replace ringtone.
4. Turn ringer volume all the way up.
5. Place on bedside table.
6. 6am phone call.
Bonus: You still have the chicken for a secondary attack.
posted by SquidLips at 2:13 PM on November 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
1. Make a duck bomb ringtone.
2. After child is asleep, borrow phone.
3. Replace ringtone.
4. Turn ringer volume all the way up.
5. Place on bedside table.
6. 6am phone call.
Bonus: You still have the chicken for a secondary attack.
posted by SquidLips at 2:13 PM on November 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
Sunday night, put it in an inconspicuous bag and tuck it into the back of his backpack. When he throws the bag over his shoulder Monday morning and the chicken gets mashed between books and his back, SQUAAAWK!
posted by teremala at 2:20 PM on November 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by teremala at 2:20 PM on November 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
Dismember the rubber chicken. Put the pieces in a KFC box. Buy actual KFC for realism. Sit down for dinner and hand him the box of rubber chicken pieces to open. Hilarity (or possibly therapy bills and lifelong vegetarianism, depending on the temperament of your kid) ensues.
posted by embrangled at 2:22 PM on November 22, 2017
posted by embrangled at 2:22 PM on November 22, 2017
Are you making a turkey tomorrow? Ask him to get the giblets out, but instead, it's the chicken.
posted by teremala at 2:25 PM on November 22, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by teremala at 2:25 PM on November 22, 2017 [4 favorites]
Tucked inside a winter boot - he starts to put his foot in, SQUAAAAWK!
posted by beandip at 2:28 PM on November 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by beandip at 2:28 PM on November 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
Best answer: OKay, to threadsit on not my own post, it’s important to note that the duck screams on the EXHALE not the inhale! The opposite of a woopee cushion..
posted by Grandysaur at 3:41 PM on November 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by Grandysaur at 3:41 PM on November 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
DARNIT, I MEAN IT SCREAMS ON THE INHALE NOT THE EXHALE!
Something/somehow in his laundry. Folded into his stack of clean clothes to put away? At the bottom of his hamper if he does his own laundry?
Is his room a mess? Hide it under some clutter and tell him to go clean his room.
OH MAN If one of his chores is taking out the trash in the dark, just like when all the scary things happen in movies, stick it under the trash can lid so when he opens it, it screams!
posted by Grandysaur at 3:53 PM on November 22, 2017 [5 favorites]
Something/somehow in his laundry. Folded into his stack of clean clothes to put away? At the bottom of his hamper if he does his own laundry?
Is his room a mess? Hide it under some clutter and tell him to go clean his room.
OH MAN If one of his chores is taking out the trash in the dark, just like when all the scary things happen in movies, stick it under the trash can lid so when he opens it, it screams!
posted by Grandysaur at 3:53 PM on November 22, 2017 [5 favorites]
Well okay, in that case, if you don't mind embarrassing him at school, make sure his backpack is packed nice and tight, and then when he takes his first book out...!
posted by teremala at 4:44 PM on November 22, 2017
posted by teremala at 4:44 PM on November 22, 2017
Best answer: Find his chicken, do surgery on it and turn around the squawk box so that it does squawk on exhale.
posted by zengargoyle at 7:36 PM on November 22, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by zengargoyle at 7:36 PM on November 22, 2017 [3 favorites]
Not sure your location and family culture, is there a local shop that he is allowed to go to alone? Send him one evening to pick up milk or whatever, the counterperson whips it out when he comes up to pay.
posted by Meatbomb at 12:48 AM on November 23, 2017
posted by Meatbomb at 12:48 AM on November 23, 2017
Or alternately, any interactions with someone that is not you, where his guard will be down.
posted by Meatbomb at 12:49 AM on November 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Meatbomb at 12:49 AM on November 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
You can fold it up into the smallest possible space (so all the air is out), then put it under the heaviest book in his backpack (ideally in the morning just before he leaves for school).
posted by Mchelly at 4:04 AM on November 23, 2017
posted by Mchelly at 4:04 AM on November 23, 2017
Best answer: Missing ParentOfTheYear tag.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 7:49 AM on November 23, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 7:49 AM on November 23, 2017 [2 favorites]
Cut the head off the chicken and leave it on the table with a note that says "Sorry, playtime's over :(". Or you can just hand the whole thing to him and make a speech about how his last hiding place startled you for real and that you feel he took it a little too far, how the most important thing about a good joke is knowing when to stop. When he enters his room after that, of course, a hundred squeaking ducks shall rain upon him.
posted by Herr Zebrurka at 1:18 PM on November 23, 2017
posted by Herr Zebrurka at 1:18 PM on November 23, 2017
Best answer: Next time the chicken comes into your possession, hold on to it for a loooong time. Make him be on guard, constantly wondering when the chicken will appear again. Eventually he will forget about it and you can do one of the excellent suggestions above...
posted by GoldenEel at 10:41 AM on November 28, 2017
posted by GoldenEel at 10:41 AM on November 28, 2017
On the toilet cistern idea: if you tie its feet to something inside the bottom of the cistern using string just long enough to be sure its mouth ends up above the waterline so you don't drown it, there is a good chance that water pressure will do the rest.
posted by flabdablet at 2:14 PM on November 28, 2017
posted by flabdablet at 2:14 PM on November 28, 2017
This thread is closed to new comments.
2) Hollow out cake in center, insert chicken
3) Cover chicken with layer of scooped-out cake
4) Frost cake
...
6) Surprise
posted by Mchelly at 12:04 PM on November 22, 2017 [19 favorites]