College troubles

January 26, 2006 11:05 PM

I'm halfway through my first year of college and things are not going well.

It's not an academic problem, it's a social problem. I came to college off of a great summer, one of the best ways I can think of to end high school. I was out with friends every night (literally), there was always something to do, and always tons of people to do it with. There really never was a dull moment. And then I went to college.

For the first week or so, things seemed OK. Not great, but manageable. I met a bunch of people, but after that first week, I didn't see most of them ever again outside of the classroom. Slowly, I ended up simply spending every night with the exact same group doing the exact same thing: sitting on our asses, in my room, watching movies. Again and again. I am not terribly fond of these people. They are wildly diferent from my friends from home, and very different from me. We share almost no interests and came to college leaving behind vey different lives. We're "friends" because of convenience and nothing more; were I to never see these people again I simply would not care.

Then, I returned home for winter break and had a blast. Again I was out nightly, eating at great restaurants, going to parties, going to concerts, just having a great time.

And then I returned to college, and left the fun behind.

I am not having a good time at college. In fact, I'm having a terrible time. And I don't know how to fix this. Because I'm with the same few people in the same place every night, I am completely cut off from the social world outside of my room. If something's happening, I don't know about it. If there's interesting people out there, I'm not going to meet them. I have no idea what to do to break out of this, but I have to do something because this can not continue. Simple solutions are obvious: meet new people! But how, when I literally have no connections that extend beyond my room?

posted by anonymous to human relations (53 comments total)

The university I went to had no shortage of things like ski club, Italian/Chinese/Black/Irish/on into infinity Student Associations, a theatre group outside of the theatre department, religious groups, film societies-- something like 500 student clubs.

Does your institution have anything like this? I am willing to bet. All you need to do is find them-- our were all centrally located in the student union. You might have to call Campus Life or talk to your RA about it. These are great places to start.
posted by oflinkey at 11:11 PM on January 26, 2006

Sounds like you aren't reaching out to anyone besides classmates. Don't make yourself sound like such a victim...get off your ass, join some clubs, volunteer, and start meeting new people. Yes, it's that simple. I would suggest volunteering/working for your campus radio station...you'll meet lots of fun, outgoing people, and generally will be in the know about concerts and other fun things going on around campus and in the neighborhood.
posted by apple scruff at 11:16 PM on January 26, 2006

No connections at all? Really? Nobody in your classes? No extracurricular activities? What about the people down the hall? Do your boring people have other friends? You don't sound shy or anything – why not just walk up and talk to someone who looks like they're doing something interesting? If worst comes to worst just wait it out, and when it comes time to pick a dorm for next year, go somewhere away from the boring people in your room now.

Also, don't they have online social networking something now? Sorry, it's been ten years for me. But there oughta be tons of options. Are you just generally alienated from the kind of people who go to your school?
posted by furiousthought at 11:18 PM on January 26, 2006

So get out of that room. There are clubs in college. Join some. There are activities, posted with flyers, noted in the campus newspaper. Activitate. You have to make the life you want, nobody is going to hand it to you or take you by the hand to see all the cool stuff, meet all the cool people, do all the cool things. You have to do it. Don't wait around for a new girlfriend, or some new pals, or a new mystical spirit animal. Find your life. To sum up:

Figure out what you want. Then go get it.

It's that easy.
posted by user92371 at 11:18 PM on January 26, 2006

Doesn't every college student go through this? This phenomenon is natural—throw a bunch of random people into the same floor in residence and you've got a fair shot at finding a group of people completely unsuited to one another, or a group of people who form really tight bonds that remain once everyone graduates. You've found something in the middle: people you like, but not a whole lot. So far, you're doing well.

You say you've only got connections to the people you hang out with in residence, but that's patently not true. First-year classes suck, but sooner or later you'll get to know people in them. If your program's not that big, you've got a better shot at actually getting to know a bunch of them, whether through study groups, faculty meet-and-greets, or just stupid jokes about how your profs suck after class.

It's also fairly easy to find new connections: walk into a student club or organization that piques your interest. This is a surefire way to meet new people, and a decently successful way to meet people you'll like as well. At the very least, you'll share some interests, which is more than you can say for the people you hang out with now.

Also, to some extent, the problem of not meeting new people or knowing about cool things to do is a self-inflicted one. You absolutely can't just sit in your room and take the easy way out if you're serious about finding other people and interesting events. First year is always tough because you're not familiar with your environment, but chances are there are tons of things going on that you're missing out on. Take a look at bulletin boards, read the campus newspaper, walk around at night and get a feel for where you are.

Finally, two things. One, don't be afraid to spend time alone. I was lucky to have chosen a beautiful university to attend classes at, because it was a joy to walk around at night, especially during the summer. I met lots of cool people in my undergrad and did a lot of awesome things in the end, but some of my fondest memories are of riding my crappy bike by the lake shore during the summer nights I spent in my college town after classes were out. No people or events necessary: just a bike and a CD player.

Two, it may seem tough now, but things will get better with only the slightest of effort. I was the same way when I was a freshman. My floor wasn't great, I didn't feel like I had that many friends, and I was bored all the time when I wasn't in class (class time I used to nap!). By the time I got to second year I was tired of having my good college friend (who I'd met in high school) call me up and be all, "we should do something tonight... any ideas? We should meet more people." So I went out and volunteered for a bunch of stuff. Best thing I ever did, and all it took was to step in the front door.

You can't expect to recreate your high school situation immediately in college—big fish in a small pond and all that noise. You'll find your own place in college, just like you did in high school. Above all, don't worry so much that you forget to live your life in college.
posted by chrominance at 11:32 PM on January 26, 2006

If you're in a dorm, figure out which floor is the party floor and stop by when there's lots of people about. This is a pretty low-stress way to increase your chances of meeting good people. If you hate it, your room isn't far away.

Also, get outside and get to know your town. Even the most rural school towns have a good cafe or 2. Find one and spend time there. Read or study if you're not in the mood to talk. The important thing is getting outside of your 4 walls.
posted by rhiannon at 11:33 PM on January 26, 2006

You could move. Obvious solution. Maybe not right now, but maybe by spring.

oflinkey's club suggestion is a great one. I met people through a couple of clubs. Performing arts/writing stuff seemed to work best for me, but I know people who really had luck with intramural sports or salsa dancing. The international development crowd at my university was a pretty social and interesting group, too.

Join a few study groups in your classes. And see if you can add some strategically social classes, like group guitar or something.

You might also try just regularly hanging out at certain places around town. In addition to the likely student hangouts, I've found that anywhere I start to frequent on a regular basis, I'll eventually at least make acquaintances. I made friends and met women in college by hanging out in the Math/Computer Science building. If that can work, anyplace ought to.

If you're in a dorm, try going to another dorm's commons area regularly.

And I kindof hate to say it, since I'm a little wary about making the Intarweb the answer to anything, but the social networking sites can really work. I've made a bunch of new friends in the last year from trying a few. Pick one or two you like and email a random person who looks promising on a frequent basis.

Finally, an extra encouraging note. I've never experienced a time in my life where the people around me seemed more open to starting new connections with random people. I'm far from being a pickup artist of any kind, but I even found myself in situations where a first conversation would develop into an invitation for a date. Classmates. Random people on benches. Women I literally met walking home at night (and no, not those kind of women ;). Folks at the a'cappella club. People at the cafeteria. Yeah, when we're young we're often awkward, but we're often more open to possibility, less closed or wary, than many of us get as we get older. So consider that the strangers around you may well want to meet you too.
posted by weston at 11:37 PM on January 26, 2006

Ahem. "I've never experienced a time in my life where the people around me seemed more open to starting new connections with random people than I did in college."
posted by weston at 11:39 PM on January 26, 2006

I was in the same boat when I was in my first year of college. What's your college town like? Mine was an armpit, something I didn't really think about much when choosing a school. I spent my first year with a handful of friends, but mostly I was bored and lonely (not to mention painfully shy at age 18/19).

My solution was I moved. Changed to a different university and a different, more happening town. That's not what I recommend to you, mind you, but the point being you're going to have to take it upon yourself to change your environment.

Like the others have said, if your room is boring and depressing, get out of your room. And stay out. Make it a place where you sleep and change clothes. Study at the library. Study at coffee shops. If you like to drink, hit the bars.

Also, I've always made good friends (and met most of my girlfriends) at the workplace. Get a job at someplace you'd find interesting and fun, with folks you think you might like.
posted by zardoz at 11:39 PM on January 26, 2006

Actually, nix the bar suggestion--I forgot you're just a wee'un. But find some interesting places in your town to do things, I'm sure you'll find others in the same boat.
posted by zardoz at 11:44 PM on January 26, 2006

There is an Evelyn Waugh quote (from Brideshead Revisited, I think) about most of university being spent losing the friends you made in the first term. This was certainly true for me, and it is also common to most of my other friends who went through higher education. Most people who are in dorms/halls of residence suffer at some point from the "we've all been thrown together, we might as well be friends syndrome". For me, new friends came through getting involved in lots of societies - the student paper, rowing, football, the history society. I met much more like-minded people through this means. Then there's your faculty. Go to lectures, talk to people, even if it's just to say hi. Say hi to them again when you see them in the library, or in the corridors, or in the next lecture. Most people are just as keen to get to know others in their classes, you just need to get over the initial reserve. And think about your dorm/hall of residence as well. My set of friends in halls changed almost completely over the course of a year as I figured out who I liked. The people I initially though "no way" about are now some of my closest friends!

And what weston said - at no other point in your life will you have so many chances to meet new people who are all keen to make connections. You won't stay in touch with half of them, but it's still fun being friends at the time. Everyone else is in the same position - they have all left established networks of friends, and most will be just as keen to make new friends. Good luck - I won't pretend it isn't difficult, I was in a similar position when I started college 8 years ago and found it absolutely terrifying trying to expand my friendship groups. But give it a go, it gets much less scary after the first few times.
posted by greycap at 11:49 PM on January 26, 2006

I heartily second the suggestion to join a club. I met some great people in Model UN, to take one example. And some not so great. The idea is to subtly but definitely distance yourself from those people who don't really interest you. They won't be hurt. They won't even notice. Hell, they might be relieved. It's your freshman year, after all. Your social situation is fluid almost by definition.

Another suggestion, if practical: Get a part-time job. Some of my best friends in college, with whom I am still friends after 7 years, were my co-workers in the computer lab.

Also, maybe a little off-beat: Take art classes. During the 2 hours painting or drawing twice a week you can make good connections with people. Don't forget to ask them for their phone numbers at the end of the semester (not that I made that mistake, no). Or take a theater class. The big popular class in Madison for meeting people was, I shit you not, ballroom dancing. Learning to confidently dance cheek-to-cheek with a member of the opposite sex will pay off the rest of your life, I promise you. (Man, I wish I'd taken ballroom dancing.)

Aren't they doing speed dating at colleges these days?

The point is that there ought to be plenty of opportunities out there for the taking if your school is worth its salt. The formula for having a horrible time is to keep sitting on your ass watching movies with the boring losers you're currently hanging out with.

Be yourself; take some risks; talk to people in class. You'll figure it out. It'll get easier, I promise.
posted by gohlkus at 11:54 PM on January 26, 2006

My freshman year was a bit like this, too. I joined the radio station and a couple of other groups my sophomore year and everything changed -- it was a blast from that point forward.
posted by scody at 11:57 PM on January 26, 2006

A think it's time you grew up a bit. No snark intended, but college isn't just all about socializing and hanging out. If you think it's hard to have a social life in college (esp. considering most colleges have full systems such as clubs that specifically exhist for social purposes) imagine how hard it's going to be for you when you have a full-time job and work every day.

That said, surely your school has a campus newspaper. And surely that campus newspaper has listings of things going on around campus and in town. Clubs, artsy movies, performances, etc. Suck it up and just get out a bit.
posted by Brittanie at 12:11 AM on January 27, 2006

>>We're "friends" because of convenience and nothing more

Welcome to adulthood. Now is the time in your life where you will not be meeting people exactly like yourself, from your high school, or from whatever sub-sub culture you define yourself from. You probably will be miserable until you either adapt by becoming more social or expanding your area of interests to include what other people are doing (e.g. join a club). Or both.
posted by skallas at 12:16 AM on January 27, 2006

I know you get the message already, but I can't stop myself from joining the chorus and stating that it's activity that brings meaning and meaningful relationships. Please don't make my mistake and continue just doing what is comfortable. You don't even sound that scared of people, which already puts you ahead of where I was. Go join whatever club deals with the things you are interested. Try cultivating new interests.

Remember that just about anything you do outside the dorm will put you in contact with people, and that out of those people, you're bound to like at least one or two. Even a job--coffee jerk, library book checker-outer, research assisstant for a lab or prof--can lead to friendships.

Just do something. The reason people say that over and over again is that it actually is good advice.

I wish I had listened earlier.
posted by epugachev at 12:34 AM on January 27, 2006

Bars suck, clubs suck, volunteering sucks, 'going out and meeting people' really really sucks.

The solution? Networking. Sort of. OK, so you're surrounded by a bunch of people who you'd never miss. But those people may have friends - may have hit it off with someone you haven't met. Expand your list of contacts through the people you already know and despise - some of their friends or their friends' friends are likely to not suck. Expand your social circle through your horrible existent one and keep throwing spaghetti at the wall - something will stick. This adheres to one of the most important principles in life: if you can't like people, use them.
posted by Ryvar at 1:36 AM on January 27, 2006

If expanding your network of contacts doesn't work, you may want to transfer to a different college. One of the reasons I chose the school that I chose was to be around people with whom I'd have things in common. If it had turned out that I'd chosen incorrectly, I definitely would have transferred.

You obviously get along well with your high school friends. What schools are they attending? If those schools aren't an option, then perhaps you could at least use them as a standard against which you can judge your prospective institutions.

I recommend Lisa Birnbach's College Guide. It gives the inside poop on the social scene at colleges from coast to coast. Birnbach spent a day at each of the institutions she includes and, apparently, interviewed a slew of students on each campus. You'll find out how promiscuous the students are, what they do for fun, what kinds of drugs they do, and all the other stuff that that telephone book-esque college directories don't include. I really think you'll get a feel for each school and be able to judge whether it has potential.

As far as I can tell, there's been no update in more than a decade, but I really doubt things have changed dramatically at most of these schools. Of course, I haven't shopped for undergraduate institutions since around the time this book was published, so there may now be other resources (websites, books) that provide the same kind of info as Birnbach.
posted by Clay201 at 1:52 AM on January 27, 2006

I don't get why you're sitting in that room every night. What happens if you say to your group of de facto friends "why don't we go out and ______?".
posted by AmbroseChapel at 1:57 AM on January 27, 2006

Having taken some of the advice of going out and joining a club or too and following your individual interests take a cold, hard look at your group of friends. At college I found that there were indeed some pretty dull groups of people: dull because they were inward looking and did not like to socialise with others. Dull because they would always like to stick to the same places and routines. Dull because they used lack of money, size of academic "to do list" and general intertia to take the easiest option and stay home all the time. Dull because they acted as a group rather than a collection of individuals. Is your group like this or does it just seem this way to you because they are less bonded than your friends from home? As AmbroseChapel says a good test would be to see what happens when you suggest they go and do something more exciting.

The interesting groups at college would often be those who had sought each other out in a desperate attempt to escape from one of the dull people. If you find some intesting people move in with them: they normally share a passion for something: playing music, a particular sport, acting, voluntary work, etc.
posted by rongorongo at 3:28 AM on January 27, 2006

It does sound that this is pretty common for your first year of college. Joining the radio station was the best thing in the world for me. Also getting a job at my college library- we didn't have a student center, so the library was the place where everyone went to socialize. Hanging out behind the circulation desk I got to chat with a ton of people.

I'd also say to not totally dismiss those people you're hanging out with now- you're all going to change a lot in the next couple of years. I didn't give much of a chance to some of the people from my residence house freshman year, in later years they turned out to become some of my best friends (and are the only people I still keep in regular touch with from college).
posted by banjo_and_the_pork at 4:22 AM on January 27, 2006

This exact same thing happened to me my first year of college. I did everything I could to try to get out and make friends at the small Christian college in the small suburb I had chosen. Nothing worked- I would suggest we go places, but there was nowhere to go, and even if there was, nobody wanted to go. After two and a half years of torturing myself, I transferred to a college in a big city. Problem solved! Drastic, but still possible for you.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:32 AM on January 27, 2006 [1 favorite]

My first year in college, I got paired with a nutjob fundie roommate who made me want to kill myself and other people.

It sounds like your relationship with your hallmates is at least less acrimonious than that, so that's a positive.

I ended up meeting each and every one of the friends I have now, nearly four years later, because we took some class together (read: common interest) or through one another. A lot of people spend their freshman year taking classes they "have" to take -- don't do that. Take your required courses steadily throughout your college career, for two reasons:

1) It will be really, really nice to have an "easy" class while you're working on something else really seriously during Junior year. While none of my classes were cake, there were some classes, particularly things required for my major, that I just took whenever I felt like it, and next to writing my thesis or studying for the most godawful art history test ever, those easier classes provided some relief.

2) The stuff you take early that is just out of curiosity or interest is part of what helped me meet friends. I met my best atheist buddy in a philosophy class (he and his wife, also a friend of another friend, have remained close with me and my husband). My roommate of four years and I met in a literature class -- reading and art are what we have in common. So go ahead and take Intro to Northern European Art or whatever if that sounds cool. It's a 100 class, right? It probably counts for something. College is really about learning -- the degree, while important, is largely just a result of spending time being interested and engaged.

Also, just get out there. If you see people that you think are cool, then just go talk to them. It's college. You're a freshman. Everyone probably feels a little lost. You don't have to join every club that you're interested in--- just go and see what there is to see. If you're good at something like organizing or getting things done or whatever, volunteer to help out. Trust me, if a hermity type like me can make it, so can you. Good luck.
posted by Medieval Maven at 4:54 AM on January 27, 2006

You're disappointed because you aren't rocking out every night with cool people? I don't mean to be an ass... but, shouldn't you be studying?
posted by funkbrain at 5:11 AM on January 27, 2006

Go to your college's home athletic events. Students often can attend games for free.
posted by Carol Anne at 5:29 AM on January 27, 2006

Man, that first year can be tough. I wanted to quit, the only thing that kept me there was a stubborn voice that told me I was NOT going to fail.

I joined the moutain bike club, smashed my bike on the first ride and couldn't afford to fix it. I was miserable as hell.

However - you will meet people (eventually) that you like. People just attract individuals that are like themselves. Just stick at it.

And one tip - wear a t-shirt of a band that you really like - music is a great way of connecting with complete strangers.
posted by Blip at 5:34 AM on January 27, 2006

I went through a similar experience my first semester. I hated it. I missed my friends from back home, and I didn't like my roomates or people on my floor. And it was ALL MY FAULT. I thought I was the coolest thing going and wasn't open to anyone that was different from me. It wasn't until my second semester that I finally started to 'get it', and started to become a young adult who finally started to appreciate peope from different cultural, and socio-economic backgrounds.

The best social outlet I had that year was doing work-study at the business schools computer lab. If I could do it all over again I would have: joined a fraternity, joined an intramural team, joined an academic club, and joined a special interest club.

Meeting people and making friends is a lot more difficult in the real world. As noted above, college is ripe with people open for new experiences.
posted by jasondigitized at 6:06 AM on January 27, 2006

I spent my freshman year at a school with an extremely homogenous population; lots of people brought their entire friend group from high school with them to this podunk college town. Nobody was really interested in making new friends, or in going out; they just wanted to sit around playing beer pong with their high school buddies. I transferred to a more urban university after my first year, where the students were a lot more interested in "doing something" -- starting a band, working on art projects, social activism -- than the losers obsessed with bouncing balls into plastic cups. It still took me a long time to make close friends, but at least I could respect the people sitting around me in class for their interesting perspectives and pursuits.

I think for some people like me -- and maybe you too, the "traditional" college experience of home football games, greek parties, and Ultimate frisbee clubs just isn't satisfying. The entire culture of, "Let's binge drink cheap beer every weekend, and be friends forever!" is honestly pretty boring, and no amount of meeting new people is going to change the fact that beer pong is not nearly as fun as going to a great rock show. There are schools out there that have a different sort of culture; they're usually located in the middle of cities, and they have really good art/design programs. See if you can locate one near you.
posted by junkbox at 6:27 AM on January 27, 2006

Just another voice to chime in and say that the best thing about college, and in fact, the one thing that all colleges try to advertise relentlessly is one of the things you seem to loathe: "They are wildly diferent from my friends from home, and very different from me. We share almost no interests and came to college leaving behind vey different lives."

College is actually a great opportunity for you to expand your horizons and get a little uncomfortable. You should be embracing the opportunity, not running from it. The real world is not a bunch of people that are just like you, so think of it as practice for later on.

One other point to note is of course you're having a rocking time at home - these are people you've probably known for years who are just like you and share your interests, etc. I lived for breaks my first year in college, but as time passed, I found that when I was home, I was looking forward to going back to school.

Give it some time and listen to everyone here about getting involved. There is absolutely no reason that you and these new "friends" can't do the things you do at home (restaurants, concerts, etc). Additionally, why don't you ask the people you never see outside of the classroom to hang out outside of the classroom. All it takes is a simple invite after your morning class, "Hey, I'm about to grab some lunch, are you hungry?" Or even ask them about random stuff like clubs, cool restaurants, etc. It'll get the dialogue going and start the friend transition.

good luck
posted by ml98tu at 6:35 AM on January 27, 2006

Just another data point of the exact same scenario - my freshman year was a bore. The summer between freshman year and sophomore I got involved with a summer theatre project and everything changed. Then sophomore year I had the coolest roommate and met some of my favorite people in the world through her. I also got involved with the school paper. And started going to open mics & stuff like that. I was shocked to discover how many interesting things were going on around me...

In other words, you have to just get into stuff you're interested in - if you can't find a group that interests you, start one. If you are seriously seeking interesting people and none seem to exist on your campus, you can think about transferring, but first make an effort - join the radio station / theatre dept / school paper / or whatever strikes your fancy, and see what you get.
posted by mdn at 6:39 AM on January 27, 2006

I feel your pain. Freshman year of college I was coming off an awesome summer (and senior year) with wonderful friends who wanted to do awesome things every night. And when I hit college that all changed--it was especially hard to hear about my back-home friends having fun while I was stuck on a campus full of people whose idea of random, exciting adventures was stressing out endlessly over their classes all week then getting absolutely wasted on the weekends. Add this to a university that barely gives a crap about its undergraduate body and a poor advertising network for on-campus events, and damn, it can suck.

What made it better? Don't be afraid to talk with random strangers (a good group of friends I found was through a dude who just came up and started talking to me). Hang out with people outside of class. Hang out with friends-of-friends--seriously, the friends-of-friends thing is the most important part.

If you need to vent or talk more, feel free to email me.
posted by schroedinger at 6:39 AM on January 27, 2006

My husband had the same thing happen his first year of college. Then it turned around 100% when he met the right people, who are still some of his best friends today (15 yrs after college). This can turn around really really fast - but - as everyone above has pointed out you have to get yourself out there and give serendipity a chance to operate. Remember you don't have to totally rework your life, you just have to meet one or 2 people who you really like who introduce you to their friends. So, make a list of places you might meet said person, go to club meetings, etc., and it will happen.
posted by selfmedicating at 6:52 AM on January 27, 2006

You are responsible for your own happiness.

Fortunately, this is something that is easy to fix! Get rid of that TV so that sitting around watching movies is not an option. Look into becoming active in organizations and extracurricular activities. I belonged to a co-ed service organization in college and it was a blast! There are just so many opportunities in college to meet people and have fun - I think you just need to look around a bit more and involve yourself in some activities.
posted by Ostara at 7:00 AM on January 27, 2006

Can you appoint yourself the social coordinator for your floor or dorm? If you feel cut-off from what's going on "outside", than bring the outside in. Throw a party. Start a group of some kind (intramural sports team, study group for a certain subject, a special interest group of some sort) for your dorm-mates and encourage them to bring their friends from outside the dorm.

Nothing will change until you MAKE it change.

And for what it's worth, most of the people I know report similar experiences from their first year of college. This too shall pass, grasshopper. Soon you all will be more comfortable and confident striking out on your own.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 7:20 AM on January 27, 2006

I was the complete opposite of most people here. I was thrilled to get out of high school and loved my freshman year. My deepest and most long-lasting friendships were forged in college. Here are some of the ways I met friends:
*I accepted ALL invitations--even to things that didn't really interest me. Lots of pleasant surprises followed.
*I joined a lot of clubs. Many fell away once I found my "niche," but I never would have figured out where I belonged otherwise.
*One day I was walking down the hall and heard someone playing a great song. I poked my head in and complimented her on her taste in music. We started talking about bands and really hit it off. To this day, she's my best friend.
*When I heard about a party, I went. Even if I didn't know the person that well or at all. College parties are generally an open invite, so if you wait around for the host to call you specifically, you'll wait a long time. And once you're at a party, people start talking about the next party, and so on and so on.
*I organized goofy stuff and invited everybody. Scavenger hunts. Wine and cheesel parties. Video game competitions. Whatever. Anything to not be bored.
*I spent a lot of time in common areas. People would walk by, say "Hey rossi, we're on our way to __, wanna come?" and I'd be off.

So basically, just get out there and do something--anything. But if you're truly miserable, transfer. Quickly.
posted by jrossi4r at 7:33 AM on January 27, 2006

Don't really have time to read any of the above suggestions so I apologize if I'm reiterating...

What strikes me is that you say you had fun going out (parties, eating out, shows, etc) with your friends at home. Yet at college when hanging out with your associates you sit around. Of course you're not having fun. Go out and do stuff! Go to shows and parties, even if it's just to meet people. Remember that your associates have friends- just because you may not click entirely with one of them doesn't mean somebody in their social circle wont be a good social match for you. I met lots of friends in college that way...sit down with a floormate for dinner, they get joined by some friends, I befriend their friend, soon said friend and I are going to dinner together and doing stuff like hitting museums and such. Hell, talk to random people on campus who look interesting to you. Go sit outside with a chess board set up in front of you.

The key to all of this is that you have to be extremely outgoing. Don't be afraid to engage someone in an intimate conversation just because you've never spoken with them before. Also, try to aquire an extremely strange object you can pull out during uncomfortable silences. I have a friend who has three small stackable sombreros. Whenever he gets into an uncomfortable silence with people he doesn't know well, he breaks the silence by saying, "I have three small hats in my pocket." When people look at him strangely he produces them to much laughter thus breaking the silence. Have fun with that one, and remember to smile a lot.
posted by baphomet at 7:44 AM on January 27, 2006

And one tip - wear a t-shirt of a band that you really like - music is a great way of connecting with complete strangers. - Blip

This is a little thing, but it's great advice. My husband met his best friend because the guy was wearing a Metallica shirt standing aroud in the cafeteria one day and it got them talking.
posted by raedyn at 8:08 AM on January 27, 2006

I've been in your situation. I started traveling 40 minutes on the weekends to a different college. Eventually (3+ years later) I started to meet a few people who were "cool" or at least what I would consider more normal than suburbanites in training. Most likely if you're in a small school and your student body is in "out of small town high school" shock, they actually like doing nothing. I would use your current "friends" to branch out and try to find other people or other things to do. If they don't really want to do anything else (unmotivated to go out, won't meet new people) you need to slowly stop hanging out with these guys because they're doing you no good. It sounds cruel, but I was in a rut until I said "nope, not go going to talk to these guys, they're nice and all but keep me from doing what I want to do." I find that the art or theater students are usually a good way through the backdoor. They're very accepting, have a lot of strong bonds, and generally party whenever they get the chance. Try to find the other non-art,theater major within the group and go from there.

I feel dirty, like I'm telling you how to get tanked everynight. Don't burn bridges, but don't feel bad about dropping connections (if you're unhappy, they probably are too).
posted by geoff. at 8:33 AM on January 27, 2006

jasondigitized said: I went through a similar experience my first semester. I hated it. I missed my friends from back home, and I didn't like my roomates or people on my floor. And it was ALL MY FAULT. I thought I was the coolest thing going and wasn't open to anyone that was different from me. It wasn't until my second semester that I finally started to 'get it', and started to become a young adult who finally started to appreciate peope from different cultural, and socio-economic backgrounds.

Ding, ding, ding. That is the kind of sense I get from the submitter of this post. Of course it's hard leaving your clique from home, but this is what college is all about -- new people, new experiences, new ways to expand your boundaries.

My local-area dormmates never turned into great friends, but just a little walk down the hall, and some of those folks became some of my best friends. Later, I met people in the classes I liked or in coffee shops off-campus. Trust me, this will not be difficult for you, if you get over the us-vs-them mentality.

That being said, good luck. Please try to have fun. My freshman year started by watching movies with people in the dorms too. :P
posted by symphonik at 8:46 AM on January 27, 2006

I'll also jump on the "join stuff" bandwagon. I went to a large state university with tons of clubs and activities, but even the smallest schools have several clubs to join. If you're into community service, I am sure there are several service groups or community organizations to volunteer with. If your school has Greek life, consider rushing...even if you don't end up pledging you'll still meet a bunch of people. There are other sorts of fraternities/sororities out there too, if you aren't into the traditional social organizations. I joined a service fraternity my junior year and it was one of the best decisions I made.

You could also ask your friends from home what kind of things they do at their schools...that might give you some ideas.

Other things: I am not sure what your dorm culture is like, but when I lived in the dorm we all pretty much kept our room doors open when we were just hanging out in our rooms. (obviously not if we were studying for a big exam or something) I met several of my friends just because I happened to pass by in the hall and poked my head into their room to say hello, or vice versa.
I'm also kind of shy about just walking up to a stranger on the street to introduce myself, but I always end up yapping with whoever is seated next to me in class. That's how I got to know several people I probably would have been too chicken to meet otherwise. : )
posted by SisterHavana at 9:02 AM on January 27, 2006

This is par for the course. Let me be patronizing for a minute here: you're going to hate college until you forget what high school was like. Full stop.

Once you let your high school, home town self die, you'll be having a great time again, but in a different way. Your problem is that you've only got the one set of experiences to tell you what life should be like, so you can't make a fair comparison yet. See, I told you this would be patronizing.

This is only true if you (like me) really had a great time in high school. People who hated high school generally love college right off the bat, or don't like school at all.
posted by Hildago at 9:08 AM on January 27, 2006

I had sort of similar but opposite problem. I had a lot of high school friends go to the same college with me and we did the same thing night after night and I'm really bummed I didn't reach out to make new friends.

I heartily join in on everyone's suggestion to join a club. Colleges/universities have so many so you're bound to find something to your taste!

Intramural sports was always a good time since no one is that great (or else they'd be on the "official" team).

Check to see if you're school has a chapter of Alphi Phi Omega, which is a co-ed fraternity based on community service. The chapter at my school was really big and diverse.
posted by like_neon at 9:44 AM on January 27, 2006

The first year sucks. It just does. Join the radio station.
posted by unknowncommand at 9:44 AM on January 27, 2006

Middle aged lady chimes in, like a clueless mother: Why don't you try one of them there friendster-like thingies? Or My Space? Or, better yet, Facebook. Find one you like and get your high school friends to join, start building a network.
posted by generic230 at 10:41 AM on January 27, 2006

When you start trying some of the above suggestions, be ready for those do-nothing dorm mates to give you a hard time about it. "You don't want to hang with us anymore, you have cooler things to do now..." Most of the comments will be meaningless attempts at humor -- try to grin and brush them off.
posted by wryly at 11:30 AM on January 27, 2006

You must wage horrible, horrible war on another nearby dorm. There you will find your nemesis, a person just like you who is also bored to tears. The two of you will fight and struggle mightily. The tales of your pranks shall become that of legend. You will recruit new people to your cause and, in time, the war will fade and the spirit of detente shall fall upong you and your rival over a pitcher of beer your senior year. Hostilities will cease and you shall depart college with true allies and four good years.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 11:37 AM on January 27, 2006

Don't you have work to do? Seriously. If you have time to sit in your room watching movies every night, you're not working hard enough. As for being "out nightly, eating at great restaurants, going to parties, going to concerts": I don't know how you missed this, but college students tend to be broke. They're not eating at great restaurants and going to concerts every night because they can't afford to. And they have work to do, so there's not going to be a party every night.

Maybe you need to be at a "party school". Here's a list.
posted by mr_roboto at 11:41 AM on January 27, 2006

First, I'd say ignore people telling you how much work you should or should not be doing. Its your first semester. It'll only get harder.

Anyway, I went to a huge state universtiy and hated my first semester. By the second one I started taking more chances to meet people and it paid off. I met one of my closest friends (to this day) when I walked past his room in someone elses dorm and heard him playing a favorite punk band of mine. That was enough to get me to knock on the door. Eventually I joined the radio station and by the end of my sophomore year had met a ton of interesting and fun people. You just have to find your niche. It shouldn't be that hard at a major university but it does take some effort.
posted by m@L at 1:04 PM on January 27, 2006

While I wouldn't suggest starting, if you already smoke: There are usually areas outside heavily-used buildings where people gather to smoke, conversation is expected there, even from recluses. Repeated conversation easily leads to going & getting a drink or seeing someone at the dining hall and mind-if-I-join-you-ing etc. This presumably works in other situations (if you end up in line with the same people at the coffee kiosk, etc).

Unless you end up going to some sort of internet conference, you aren't likely to encounter a place where people are more open to random strangers than college.
If you aren't the approaching type, let them come to you. Do things in public, in courtyards and dining halls. Read books, listen to music, etc. Be approachable by strangers, both by looking approachable and by giving them possible openings (oh, hey, I read that book, or am in a statistics class too, or what are you listening to?)

Study sessions, too. After all, you studied together, you have to blow off steam after the test together too, right?
posted by fidelity at 1:10 PM on January 27, 2006

Something of this sort happened to me my first year of college. I was at that time terribly, terribly shy. Though I had made a great group of friends in high school, I made only two friends my first year in college, and I was horribly lonely and really depressed. What I did, and what you should do, is join a club or two or three. What do you like to do? You need to leave your little clique and join some clubs where you can meet people with similar interests. There should be plenty of clubs on campus, but if not , try groups on craigslist or try meetin.org. The point is that you have an obligation to go and make friends. You owe it to yourself. You can't just sit in your dorm room and expect things to get better. It took me thirteen years to learn that, but it's one of the most important things I've learned as an adult. I am responsible for my social life, and my dating life, and I am the only person who can make it better. Go join as many clubs as you can and have fun. Join the french club, or amnesty international, or start your own restaurant club. The possibilities are endless Also, you might consider going abroad next year for a change of pace.

Good luck
posted by bananafish at 1:39 PM on January 27, 2006

I also wanted to add that you shouldn't compare your visits home with college life. When you go home for winter break, everyone is in party mode so of course you're all going to meet up, go out, celebrate, do lots of activities, cause you probably all miss each other. Everyone's done with midterms/finals and since you're home you know what there is to do.

Also, if you're living in a dorm, don't you have a residence advisor or some sort? Like my dorm had a sophmore on each floor who, for free board, was in charge of keeping the freshies socialized, active, and generally happy. You may want to talk to that person and see if you can figure out some sort of dorm party (we had a pajama party with pizza and free dvd rentals from the campus store. No one really watched the movies, but it was a great casual getogether for everyone.)
posted by like_neon at 2:33 PM on January 27, 2006

Lots of good advice. However, I must add: if you join some clubs and really make an effort to meet people and you still don't like it, consider the possibility that you are at the wrong college. I didn't really like the university I went to, but I stayed because I was depressed and didn't think I could get in anywhere better. I did make one great friend, but mostly they just weren't my type of people. However, I did not join the radio station. That may have been my fatal mistake.

Anyway, good luck to you.
posted by 912 Greens at 3:04 PM on January 27, 2006

Yes joining a club sounds cheezy but you WILL meet people. Getting involved at my school's radio station (hence my username) was the best decision I've ever made. If you do something that meets in the evenings, afterwards suggest you go do something like get drinks or dinner or go to a frat party or whatever. It's scary meeting new people and I know how totally depressing the begginning of college can be, but you can make things better.
posted by radioamy at 12:52 PM on January 28, 2006