how to get used to parents being in a nursing home?

October 29, 2017 3:41 PM

Parents have been in a nursing home for five months and Im finding it hard to get used to.I visit 3 times a week and we talk on the phone, but Im finding it hard to transition into a non carer role.

Mum is a high falls risk and dad has a touch of vascular dementia and occasional confusion, but otherwise very well. They both have settled in well, finally, but Mum refuses to visit the family home (where I live) . She is nearly 90 and Dad is 89. There's a lot of sadness for them about being in a nursing home compared to being at home...but the caring responsibilities just could not be managed for two of them, which makes me very sad. I guess Im just looking for ways to make it better for them, and some light at the end of the tunnel for this sadness about the big changes for me. Thanks!

posted by sparkle55 to Human Relations (4 answers total)

The big positive that comes to my mind is the social aspect. Most nursing homes have lots of activities and opportunities for residents to form friendships.

According to this article:
Most of the time, moving into a more structured environment creates a step up in quality of life for seniors. The paradox is that, while people may feel reluctant to leave their homes for a nursing facility, seniors in these settings are often happier, healthier, more functional, more socially active, and live longer than those who continue to stay in their homes. Nursing homes are professionals at caring for seniors, and provide a valuable spectrum of services.

IMO one of most significant reasons that moving a loved one into a nursing home is so sad and difficult is that we expect it to be their last move. Additionally, it often signals an acknowledgement that they won't regain their independence, and that's a loss which has to be mourned. However, as the linked article points out, the whole idea behind nursing homes is to prolong life and make it safer and healthier than remaining at home.

Good luck to you.
posted by bunderful at 4:05 PM on October 29, 2017 [5 favorites]

My family went through this with my mom, under pretty different circumstances. It really does just take time to get used to the new normal. I know how depressing this can feel, but try to think about the relief you can now feel of never worrying about her having a fall at home again. You will get used to it, and you made the right decision.
posted by cakelite at 4:05 PM on October 29, 2017

Best answer: Would it help to think of your responsibilities as transitioning rather than ending? You have still adopted the responsibility for visiting them all the time. You will need to build new traditions for them in their new home and out of it. Do you do Sunday donuts or anything? What are you guys going to do this Thanksgiving? Are you going to go there and bring Thanksgiving with you, or are you all going to someone else's home, or what?

When my dad was in a similar facility, there was also a lot of practical stuff that still needed to be done -- doctor's appointments and shopping, plus drives to see Christmas lights or Halloween decorations etc.

Don't think they don't need you. They do.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:19 PM on October 29, 2017 [9 favorites]

Best answer: “Mum refuses to visit the family home” tells me that she has some level of resentment that she can no longer live in her own home. She will need time to get over that, if she ever does.

Many older parents ask their children to "promise you won't put me in a home.” My advice always is - don’t ask for that promise and don’t make that promise. Often nursing home care is just what the parent needs.
posted by yclipse at 4:12 AM on October 30, 2017 [1 favorite]