I just broke up with my boyfriend, and am feeling really down about it.
October 29, 2017 2:49 PM Subscribe
Hey MeFi, ya'll give the best advice. So, I need it right now. If it helps, viewing my past two questions might give you a sense of who I am. I'm 25, a lady. Now ex-boyfriend is also 25.
I just broke up with my new boyfriend of 7 months, slightly in a fit of anger. But I'm realizing that I am not wrong. And it hurts. It hurts because I feel right. It hurts because I feel like I wasted my time, being a minor character in another person's love story. Is that the smart move?
I met my boyfriend (er, now ex) on an app. Things started off great. We were upfront with each other about everything, and for the most part, we have the same values. I still believe that, even though we are not together anymore. We also related over both of us having significant early childhood family traumas---he was in the foster care system, and adopted later on, I grew up with abusive parents who I am currently in low contact with.
I expressed to him how important it was for me to find a life partner, and build a family of choice. He talked about how he had done that with his adoptive parents, and his friends.
I informed him that I was previously with a narcissist who left with no warning and torpedoed my whole life. I told him that if things went south here, I wanted to talk about it. He promised me he would, and he told me he never gives up on a relationship without trying everything first. Again, values.
We had to work through quite a bit in the beginning---his communication style left...something to be desired. He doesn't talk much on the phone, and we talked about why. He told me that he was working on it, because it upset a lot of people in his life, especially his mother. Things got better, and he started calling me sometimes out of the blue, and he would call when I asked to talk.
We went places, did things. He has a bit of a harsh speaking style at times, which I pointed out to him. No name calling or anything, but sometimes, out of the blue, he was just harsh, or particularly when he got upset. With that being said, we've weathered many tough conversations where I felt heard and okay to share my feelings. I'm a former child of abuse too. I used to talk to people like my parents talked to me. I was defensive. I was convinced that there was something eternally wrong with me. I get it. He told me that he loved how much I "got him". I was really happy, but more importantly, I was willing to try something new. We gave each other space, we had our own lives, things my co-dependent self had never had before. I wanted to see where it went.
Sometime after that, I guess the cracks started to show. He has an ex that he dated for 2 years, but she grew up with him and they seem to have had an on and off thing prior to that. He mentioned that he thinks it's important to maintain a decent relationship with an ex, and he always watches how people talk about their exes. I was like, okay. Cool.
So here's the deal with the ex. They had been broken up 6 months before we started dating. We talked about it all.
Anyway, so, the ex. They share a lizard together, that they bought because he is allergic to furry animals. My ex said, "She paid for half, so she can see it whenever she wants." To be clear, I found out that she had actually taken him up on this offer about 3 months in. According to him, she had stopped by to see the lizard and leave a bong (?) at his house. I told him I thought that was disrespectful to our burgeoning relationship (the whole dropping by and leaving things at his house). And he said he could understand why that made me uncomfortable, that it wasn't a big deal.....and he defended her. He told me that she left "drug stuff" at his house, because she didn't want her landlord to find it while she traveled. (First of all, who's landlord goes through their stuff. Of all people, she chose him?). To top t off, she apparently called at a separate date and asked to get back together. He says he told her no, and seemed angry about the exchange.
We got into a big argument about that, to which he said that he had the freedom to invite any of his friends to come over whenever he wanted. After we took some time away, he cooled down, and apologized for putting me in the situation. I pressed him, and specifically said, I want to know what we're going to do differently here because I'm not sure that you just aren't gonna tell me when she contacts you. He told me that he was always trying to improve himself, and he would, but would not get specific.
We moved on, but this had always been a sore spot for me.
Other than that, the issues that came up were his sudden mood swings. This feels weird to say as someone who has struggled with depression and anxiety before, because it feels shitty having a problem with that. But I guess one of the things I learned when my depression/anxiety was not under control that it still didn't give me the right to take it out on my partner or shut them out or be rude to them consistently. Sometimes, sure. But not once a week. I recommended to him to check out therapy or medication, but he refused. He said he didn't need it. He told me he would work on being kinder, especially to me, given my history. For the most part, he has done that.
I guess I didn't realize these things were coming to a head for me. But, back to the ex. I had started feeling like he was still mourning the loss. He would talk about her often, and not necessarily when I prompted it. I got to the point where I didn't WANT to know anymore. For example, we happened to be watching something on tv and an ad came on about dating friends, and he laughs and goes, "Definitely don't do that. I lost my best friend over that." Previous comments out of the blue include, "I broke someone's heart. I had to move on. She resents me now."
With that being said, a few days ago, we got ridiculously high together and started talking. I shouldn't have said anything---and to be honest, I'm not quite sure exactly what I said, but I basically told him that I felt insecure with how much he talks about his ex. He basically told me that he would never get back together with her, and tried to start giving high person examples of why they don't work.
But the more and more he talked, the more passionate he became. He talked about how good she was to him, and how his worries about me attending graduate school (I'm in grad school, but obviously was planning to go before we met. I told him that upfront. He has expressed concerns a few times about how we won't get to spend as much time together) came from how when they were dating, she was still in school, and that we hang out the same amount of time they did. And, the kicker, he goes, "Well, like, I left a relationship where school was a big issue, and now I'm in another one. Are you supposed to be the exception?" At a later point in that said conversation, he mentioned that he still answers SOS calls from his ex sometimes.
I told him that it hurt me that he said that. I don't remember what he said back.
Sometime later, he went home. I ended up calling him because I was so angry and needed to talk more. In a bit of an avalanche, I told him that I felt he was somewhat disrespectful to me at times. He responded by saying that "this is just who he was. He's always been abrasive and disrespectful. Like I said before, maybe you'll find out that this doesn't work for you ultimately." I told him that I understood exactly who he was, but "disrespectful" was not a personality trait, and "disrespectful" actions were just that, actions, aka choices.
There was a long silence, and he told that I was "actually...right". I asked him what he thought. He told me that he didn't have anything to say because I was the one who had something to talk about, and then he was fine in the relationship. And that he would work on this for me/with me, for as long as he could.
Then, last night, for me, the rage didn't go away. It just swelled. I started thinking about how I had to BEG him to call me, but he was still answering emergency calls from his ex every now and again (and to be clear, we aren't talking about death or accident. He means I need emotional support now calls).
Then I thought about all the thought and care he put into dissecting his relationship with his ex, the wistfulness, the regret (not just from this highlighted conversation, but from our entire relationship), and I realized that this man is not in love with me. I thought back to all the things I had to ask him to do--ask him to take me on a date, ask him to cuddle me. I attributed some of this to his trauma history (which I share), but I'm not sure that is really the truth of it all.
I believe he loves me, and cares for me. But I am not that special girl for him, and I don't believe I ever will be.
So today, I reached out to him via text, tried to start a convo. Nothing. I mean, granted, we had a serious talk yesterday, and I know he typically needs some space after that. But by noon I hadn't heard anything, so I asked him if I could come by and give him something and that I wanted to talk. No answer, so I called. Declined.
He responds via text and says, "why are you calling me, and what do you want to give me? i'm busy."
I got angry, and I told him that I wanted to talk about breaking up and I would prefer to do it in person. And I wanted to give him some stuff back. I asked again if I could see him.
He told me no, and that if I was done, then it was done. I suspect that this was an anger response, of course, and that I'll maybe get a text or two later. But I guess we really are done.
But I myself am in a lot of pain now. I don't think I was crazy for doing that. But I am feeling super depressed. I am never "the girl" for anybody. As my post history suggests, I've had guys abruptly walk out of my life and NEVER look back. And now this guy. I'm just a placeholder. AND this relationship ended (by my hand) in the same amount of time. Not even sure I can have a long-term relationship.
I just feel like giving up on love and finding my person. I know that I'd rather be alone than be unhappy in a relationship, which is why I am in this situation now. But I think I'm done trying to find my person.
I met my boyfriend (er, now ex) on an app. Things started off great. We were upfront with each other about everything, and for the most part, we have the same values. I still believe that, even though we are not together anymore. We also related over both of us having significant early childhood family traumas---he was in the foster care system, and adopted later on, I grew up with abusive parents who I am currently in low contact with.
I expressed to him how important it was for me to find a life partner, and build a family of choice. He talked about how he had done that with his adoptive parents, and his friends.
I informed him that I was previously with a narcissist who left with no warning and torpedoed my whole life. I told him that if things went south here, I wanted to talk about it. He promised me he would, and he told me he never gives up on a relationship without trying everything first. Again, values.
We had to work through quite a bit in the beginning---his communication style left...something to be desired. He doesn't talk much on the phone, and we talked about why. He told me that he was working on it, because it upset a lot of people in his life, especially his mother. Things got better, and he started calling me sometimes out of the blue, and he would call when I asked to talk.
We went places, did things. He has a bit of a harsh speaking style at times, which I pointed out to him. No name calling or anything, but sometimes, out of the blue, he was just harsh, or particularly when he got upset. With that being said, we've weathered many tough conversations where I felt heard and okay to share my feelings. I'm a former child of abuse too. I used to talk to people like my parents talked to me. I was defensive. I was convinced that there was something eternally wrong with me. I get it. He told me that he loved how much I "got him". I was really happy, but more importantly, I was willing to try something new. We gave each other space, we had our own lives, things my co-dependent self had never had before. I wanted to see where it went.
Sometime after that, I guess the cracks started to show. He has an ex that he dated for 2 years, but she grew up with him and they seem to have had an on and off thing prior to that. He mentioned that he thinks it's important to maintain a decent relationship with an ex, and he always watches how people talk about their exes. I was like, okay. Cool.
So here's the deal with the ex. They had been broken up 6 months before we started dating. We talked about it all.
Anyway, so, the ex. They share a lizard together, that they bought because he is allergic to furry animals. My ex said, "She paid for half, so she can see it whenever she wants." To be clear, I found out that she had actually taken him up on this offer about 3 months in. According to him, she had stopped by to see the lizard and leave a bong (?) at his house. I told him I thought that was disrespectful to our burgeoning relationship (the whole dropping by and leaving things at his house). And he said he could understand why that made me uncomfortable, that it wasn't a big deal.....and he defended her. He told me that she left "drug stuff" at his house, because she didn't want her landlord to find it while she traveled. (First of all, who's landlord goes through their stuff. Of all people, she chose him?). To top t off, she apparently called at a separate date and asked to get back together. He says he told her no, and seemed angry about the exchange.
We got into a big argument about that, to which he said that he had the freedom to invite any of his friends to come over whenever he wanted. After we took some time away, he cooled down, and apologized for putting me in the situation. I pressed him, and specifically said, I want to know what we're going to do differently here because I'm not sure that you just aren't gonna tell me when she contacts you. He told me that he was always trying to improve himself, and he would, but would not get specific.
We moved on, but this had always been a sore spot for me.
Other than that, the issues that came up were his sudden mood swings. This feels weird to say as someone who has struggled with depression and anxiety before, because it feels shitty having a problem with that. But I guess one of the things I learned when my depression/anxiety was not under control that it still didn't give me the right to take it out on my partner or shut them out or be rude to them consistently. Sometimes, sure. But not once a week. I recommended to him to check out therapy or medication, but he refused. He said he didn't need it. He told me he would work on being kinder, especially to me, given my history. For the most part, he has done that.
I guess I didn't realize these things were coming to a head for me. But, back to the ex. I had started feeling like he was still mourning the loss. He would talk about her often, and not necessarily when I prompted it. I got to the point where I didn't WANT to know anymore. For example, we happened to be watching something on tv and an ad came on about dating friends, and he laughs and goes, "Definitely don't do that. I lost my best friend over that." Previous comments out of the blue include, "I broke someone's heart. I had to move on. She resents me now."
With that being said, a few days ago, we got ridiculously high together and started talking. I shouldn't have said anything---and to be honest, I'm not quite sure exactly what I said, but I basically told him that I felt insecure with how much he talks about his ex. He basically told me that he would never get back together with her, and tried to start giving high person examples of why they don't work.
But the more and more he talked, the more passionate he became. He talked about how good she was to him, and how his worries about me attending graduate school (I'm in grad school, but obviously was planning to go before we met. I told him that upfront. He has expressed concerns a few times about how we won't get to spend as much time together) came from how when they were dating, she was still in school, and that we hang out the same amount of time they did. And, the kicker, he goes, "Well, like, I left a relationship where school was a big issue, and now I'm in another one. Are you supposed to be the exception?" At a later point in that said conversation, he mentioned that he still answers SOS calls from his ex sometimes.
I told him that it hurt me that he said that. I don't remember what he said back.
Sometime later, he went home. I ended up calling him because I was so angry and needed to talk more. In a bit of an avalanche, I told him that I felt he was somewhat disrespectful to me at times. He responded by saying that "this is just who he was. He's always been abrasive and disrespectful. Like I said before, maybe you'll find out that this doesn't work for you ultimately." I told him that I understood exactly who he was, but "disrespectful" was not a personality trait, and "disrespectful" actions were just that, actions, aka choices.
There was a long silence, and he told that I was "actually...right". I asked him what he thought. He told me that he didn't have anything to say because I was the one who had something to talk about, and then he was fine in the relationship. And that he would work on this for me/with me, for as long as he could.
Then, last night, for me, the rage didn't go away. It just swelled. I started thinking about how I had to BEG him to call me, but he was still answering emergency calls from his ex every now and again (and to be clear, we aren't talking about death or accident. He means I need emotional support now calls).
Then I thought about all the thought and care he put into dissecting his relationship with his ex, the wistfulness, the regret (not just from this highlighted conversation, but from our entire relationship), and I realized that this man is not in love with me. I thought back to all the things I had to ask him to do--ask him to take me on a date, ask him to cuddle me. I attributed some of this to his trauma history (which I share), but I'm not sure that is really the truth of it all.
I believe he loves me, and cares for me. But I am not that special girl for him, and I don't believe I ever will be.
So today, I reached out to him via text, tried to start a convo. Nothing. I mean, granted, we had a serious talk yesterday, and I know he typically needs some space after that. But by noon I hadn't heard anything, so I asked him if I could come by and give him something and that I wanted to talk. No answer, so I called. Declined.
He responds via text and says, "why are you calling me, and what do you want to give me? i'm busy."
I got angry, and I told him that I wanted to talk about breaking up and I would prefer to do it in person. And I wanted to give him some stuff back. I asked again if I could see him.
He told me no, and that if I was done, then it was done. I suspect that this was an anger response, of course, and that I'll maybe get a text or two later. But I guess we really are done.
But I myself am in a lot of pain now. I don't think I was crazy for doing that. But I am feeling super depressed. I am never "the girl" for anybody. As my post history suggests, I've had guys abruptly walk out of my life and NEVER look back. And now this guy. I'm just a placeholder. AND this relationship ended (by my hand) in the same amount of time. Not even sure I can have a long-term relationship.
I just feel like giving up on love and finding my person. I know that I'd rather be alone than be unhappy in a relationship, which is why I am in this situation now. But I think I'm done trying to find my person.
Being alone is ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL compared to being in a lousy relationship.
(You also tend to end up with better relationships when you don't need to be in one.)
This guy sounds really immature, and like he doesn't understand what "love" entails (did he even say that he did love you?). 25 is far too young to decide that a string of blah relationships means you'll somehow be forever alone. It sounds like this guy needed dumping a while back, and, the whole thing is something you'll eventually just use as a good learning opportunity. I'm sure it hurts now, but evening you'll struggle to be able to remember his name. 'Time heals all wounds and wounds all heels,' and all that.
But -- I've read your question several times and I can't understand what you're trying to ask. What are your questions about this...?
posted by kmennie at 3:22 PM on October 29, 2017 [3 favorites]
(You also tend to end up with better relationships when you don't need to be in one.)
This guy sounds really immature, and like he doesn't understand what "love" entails (did he even say that he did love you?). 25 is far too young to decide that a string of blah relationships means you'll somehow be forever alone. It sounds like this guy needed dumping a while back, and, the whole thing is something you'll eventually just use as a good learning opportunity. I'm sure it hurts now, but evening you'll struggle to be able to remember his name. 'Time heals all wounds and wounds all heels,' and all that.
But -- I've read your question several times and I can't understand what you're trying to ask. What are your questions about this...?
posted by kmennie at 3:22 PM on October 29, 2017 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: I guess I was asking if I was crazy to break up, and also wondering if I've started a pattern of being unable to have meaningful long-term relationships, given my history.
posted by ladykitty5 at 3:26 PM on October 29, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by ladykitty5 at 3:26 PM on October 29, 2017 [1 favorite]
wondering if I've started a pattern of being unable to have meaningful long-term relationships, given my history.
One is not a pattern, so take heart on that score.
There are so infinitely many humans running around out there in the world. Finding your special person might take some time, and 25 is still very young. You still have a lot of time to change and grow -- all of us keep doing that the whole time we're alive, but for a lot of people, a lot of that changing and growing happens from the mid-teens to the early 30s or so. The person you are in five years may be quite different from the person you are now; a person who seems like 'the one' for you now may change and grow themselves in ways that make you both less compatible at 30. $DEITY knows the person I was with at age 25 was not 'the one' by the time I was 30 -- and I was no longer 'the one' for them, either. (Though for other people, that's *not* true! Humans: absurdly variable.)
Your 'meaningful long-term relationship' will very probably show up, eventually. Maybe in ten years, or maybe tomorrow, or maybe when you're not expecting it. In the meantime, keep processing the things you need to process, and keep an open mind. One swallow does not make a summer.
posted by halation at 3:51 PM on October 29, 2017 [1 favorite]
One is not a pattern, so take heart on that score.
There are so infinitely many humans running around out there in the world. Finding your special person might take some time, and 25 is still very young. You still have a lot of time to change and grow -- all of us keep doing that the whole time we're alive, but for a lot of people, a lot of that changing and growing happens from the mid-teens to the early 30s or so. The person you are in five years may be quite different from the person you are now; a person who seems like 'the one' for you now may change and grow themselves in ways that make you both less compatible at 30. $DEITY knows the person I was with at age 25 was not 'the one' by the time I was 30 -- and I was no longer 'the one' for them, either. (Though for other people, that's *not* true! Humans: absurdly variable.)
Your 'meaningful long-term relationship' will very probably show up, eventually. Maybe in ten years, or maybe tomorrow, or maybe when you're not expecting it. In the meantime, keep processing the things you need to process, and keep an open mind. One swallow does not make a summer.
posted by halation at 3:51 PM on October 29, 2017 [1 favorite]
I think you were right to break up. Staying with someone today prove to yourself you can handle a long term relationship is something I tried to do in my 20s. I think that you guys aren't right for each other, and you would be happier with someone with a similar communication style.
And 25 is plenty young to find the partner who's right for you!
posted by Valancy Rachel at 3:55 PM on October 29, 2017 [2 favorites]
And 25 is plenty young to find the partner who's right for you!
posted by Valancy Rachel at 3:55 PM on October 29, 2017 [2 favorites]
This relationship wasn't going anywhere and you were right to break up with him. I know how you are feeling right now, but you are just going to have to take our word that 25 years old is still really young and you have plenty of time to make mistakes and have some dud relationships. That's how you learn.
It sounds like he was very upfront with you that it was important to him that he have a good relationship with his ex, and you told him that was cool with you, but then you would get angry whenever they talked or spent time together. It's good to learn your boundaries and nor try to go along with things that make you unhappy.
posted by cakelite at 4:02 PM on October 29, 2017 [1 favorite]
It sounds like he was very upfront with you that it was important to him that he have a good relationship with his ex, and you told him that was cool with you, but then you would get angry whenever they talked or spent time together. It's good to learn your boundaries and nor try to go along with things that make you unhappy.
posted by cakelite at 4:02 PM on October 29, 2017 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I don't think you were crazy to break up. While your values may have seemed aligned at the beginning, I think the way everything played out suggests they aren't as similar as you think.
I come from an abuse background too, and had no hope of understanding what a healthy attachment or dynamic should look like between two people in a relationship. It took a looooong time and a few relationships where I let people walk all over me, but also sometimes puffed my chest about things that were perfectly reasonable things for my partner to do but because of my insecurity and baggage, I took them as personal insults. It still happens from time to time, but I am a bit better about not being so reactive these days.
Every relationship and person is different, and what works for me will not necessarily work for you. It is up to all of us to decide where our boundaries and 'deal breakers' lie. It took a lot of listening to myself when I got upset, then trying to unpack that, to understand what was really going on and where the feelings were coming from. I mean, yeah, this guy sounds like he's got some of his own baggage that stops him from making you a priority, regardless of how wonderful a girlfriend you were so this probably isn't a relationship worth putting a lot of emotional labour into. Sounds like he was gaslighting the shit out of you, plus he seems like a very passive aggressive communicator where you seem much more upfront. I also see some dysfunctional behaviour from your side (I'm not trying to be an asshole, I promise, I just recognise it because it is 100% the sort of stuff that I used to do in bad relationships), like not knowing when to walk away from an escalating argument so it just blows up even more.
Some people can have totally normal, respectful friendships with ex-partners (I do!) but I've always done my best to make it obvious to my current partner that there is zero to be concerned about there. It does not sound like your ex was doing this, so I can appreciate why it pissed you off so badly. Some people are not ok with their partner still being connected to exes, and I think that is something you have to sort out in the first couple months otherwise it is going to be a constant sore spot.
You sound like you are on a really good path to figuring out what works for you in a relationship, and in turn on the way to finding someone who you can be happy with long-term. I know it can be lonely in the interim, especially right now when your heart feels broken, but I promise you that the work you do now in figuring out how to keep yourself happy and healthy will be worth it when you meet someone else happy and healthy who doesn't make you feel like you are crazy and always in crisis-mode.
posted by BeeJiddy at 4:26 PM on October 29, 2017 [2 favorites]
I come from an abuse background too, and had no hope of understanding what a healthy attachment or dynamic should look like between two people in a relationship. It took a looooong time and a few relationships where I let people walk all over me, but also sometimes puffed my chest about things that were perfectly reasonable things for my partner to do but because of my insecurity and baggage, I took them as personal insults. It still happens from time to time, but I am a bit better about not being so reactive these days.
Every relationship and person is different, and what works for me will not necessarily work for you. It is up to all of us to decide where our boundaries and 'deal breakers' lie. It took a lot of listening to myself when I got upset, then trying to unpack that, to understand what was really going on and where the feelings were coming from. I mean, yeah, this guy sounds like he's got some of his own baggage that stops him from making you a priority, regardless of how wonderful a girlfriend you were so this probably isn't a relationship worth putting a lot of emotional labour into. Sounds like he was gaslighting the shit out of you, plus he seems like a very passive aggressive communicator where you seem much more upfront. I also see some dysfunctional behaviour from your side (I'm not trying to be an asshole, I promise, I just recognise it because it is 100% the sort of stuff that I used to do in bad relationships), like not knowing when to walk away from an escalating argument so it just blows up even more.
Some people can have totally normal, respectful friendships with ex-partners (I do!) but I've always done my best to make it obvious to my current partner that there is zero to be concerned about there. It does not sound like your ex was doing this, so I can appreciate why it pissed you off so badly. Some people are not ok with their partner still being connected to exes, and I think that is something you have to sort out in the first couple months otherwise it is going to be a constant sore spot.
You sound like you are on a really good path to figuring out what works for you in a relationship, and in turn on the way to finding someone who you can be happy with long-term. I know it can be lonely in the interim, especially right now when your heart feels broken, but I promise you that the work you do now in figuring out how to keep yourself happy and healthy will be worth it when you meet someone else happy and healthy who doesn't make you feel like you are crazy and always in crisis-mode.
posted by BeeJiddy at 4:26 PM on October 29, 2017 [2 favorites]
Best answer: you weren't wrong or crazy to break up with him. The reasons you were angry and frustrated with him all the time don't matter nearly as much as the fact that you were.
some absolute relationship values and rules are useful to modify as you grow and change. the ideal of 'trying everything' to save a relationship has some appeal, but sometimes it is good to end things permanently and suddenly when a line is crossed, the way you did: if you had kept your temper and made yourself talk it out first and try again and again, you would only have found out more about his stupid past relationship and avoidant habits and it would have hurt worse for longer. nobody wants to be dumped with no warning but that's not what you did to this guy -- every time the two of you talked about his ex, it was a warning. if he didn't know it, he wasn't listening. but I think he probably was. you were right to break up; he was right to accept it comprehensively and without protest. in that way, it wasn't just a role reversal from your previous breakups, it was a real positive change from your past pattern.
posted by queenofbithynia at 5:01 PM on October 29, 2017 [8 favorites]
some absolute relationship values and rules are useful to modify as you grow and change. the ideal of 'trying everything' to save a relationship has some appeal, but sometimes it is good to end things permanently and suddenly when a line is crossed, the way you did: if you had kept your temper and made yourself talk it out first and try again and again, you would only have found out more about his stupid past relationship and avoidant habits and it would have hurt worse for longer. nobody wants to be dumped with no warning but that's not what you did to this guy -- every time the two of you talked about his ex, it was a warning. if he didn't know it, he wasn't listening. but I think he probably was. you were right to break up; he was right to accept it comprehensively and without protest. in that way, it wasn't just a role reversal from your previous breakups, it was a real positive change from your past pattern.
posted by queenofbithynia at 5:01 PM on October 29, 2017 [8 favorites]
Best answer: In the long run, you will want to heal and move on from your abusive past. There are resources for this, and it is important that you do this work. If you get together with someone who has a similar past, it is hard to move into happiness, unless you both have done the healing work on your inner child, your current adult who has wounds and defenses. It is important to look out in the long view to see where you want to be, what you want to do to keep yourself happy, what work you want to do. I am sorry you are hurting right now, but you will do better if you go forward on your own, to find the joys in daily life, and then find someone to share them, who is more whole, more healed, and who has a a kinship group that will joyfully include you.
If you are full of pain still from the past, that will come out, when it is least handy, and it colors things that should be just fine. Take some time for yourself, and get a little more healing help.
posted by Oyéah at 5:38 PM on October 29, 2017 [1 favorite]
If you are full of pain still from the past, that will come out, when it is least handy, and it colors things that should be just fine. Take some time for yourself, and get a little more healing help.
posted by Oyéah at 5:38 PM on October 29, 2017 [1 favorite]
Seven months isn't even on the high end of figuring out a relationship isn't going to work out for you. There's usually a good bit of ambiguity the first 1-3 months, then a settling-in period, maybe a little questioning at 6 months, and then a lot of people start taking a hard look around 9 months. This is how most of Western culture does it, that's why it's called dating and not "instant marriage."
Yes, it is a smart move to leave a situation where you are a minor character and you feel like you're wasting your time.
Statistically, it's likely you have not even met the person you're going to settle down with for the long haul. 25 is a little young still, as far as the curve goes. You are at least a decade off from spinsterhood still. (Note: there is no such thing as spinsterhood.)
Maybe stop trying to "find your person" (why is this different from meeting and connecting strongly with someone?) and just go work on living a life you really love, which will attract people who love a similar life, and that'll help whittle down the field to really good candidates for a long-term partner.
Look, change hurts and disappointment hurts. That doesn't mean it's wrong or you did a bad thing. It's kind of like how exercising when you haven't in a while will leave you a little sore, but doesn't mean you should take to your sofa permanently. There will be discomfort in your life (there *should* be discomfort in your life, it's how we grow to be better people) and the important part is learning how to handle that rather than giving in at the first twinge.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:01 PM on October 29, 2017 [4 favorites]
Yes, it is a smart move to leave a situation where you are a minor character and you feel like you're wasting your time.
Statistically, it's likely you have not even met the person you're going to settle down with for the long haul. 25 is a little young still, as far as the curve goes. You are at least a decade off from spinsterhood still. (Note: there is no such thing as spinsterhood.)
Maybe stop trying to "find your person" (why is this different from meeting and connecting strongly with someone?) and just go work on living a life you really love, which will attract people who love a similar life, and that'll help whittle down the field to really good candidates for a long-term partner.
Look, change hurts and disappointment hurts. That doesn't mean it's wrong or you did a bad thing. It's kind of like how exercising when you haven't in a while will leave you a little sore, but doesn't mean you should take to your sofa permanently. There will be discomfort in your life (there *should* be discomfort in your life, it's how we grow to be better people) and the important part is learning how to handle that rather than giving in at the first twinge.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:01 PM on October 29, 2017 [4 favorites]
Give yourself time to grieve and move on. Focus on yourself. Focus on making friendships in grad school with people who have the same interests as you do.
It sounds to me like you were right to break up. You felt like he wasn’t as invested as you wanted him to be, and that’s a totally valid reason for breaking up. And seriously, good job on calling his b.s. and not letting it drag out. Good job on prioritizing yourself.
I really don’t think you need to worry about the stuff you’re worried about. When I was 25, I still had yet to have a couple relationships out of feelings of worthlessness before taking a self-improvement break and then meeting my now-fiancé (who I met when I was 28). I really remember feeling a lot of what you’re feeling in my mid-20s though - I think it’s perectly normal, and still really hard. I think the biggest mistake I made in relationships at that point in my life was dating to make me feel better about myself and not because I genuinely felt the person I was dating was a person I adored. I know it sounds trite, but the advice to focus on knowing and improving yourself is such good advice. Look at the long game
posted by DoubleLune at 7:20 PM on October 29, 2017 [2 favorites]
It sounds to me like you were right to break up. You felt like he wasn’t as invested as you wanted him to be, and that’s a totally valid reason for breaking up. And seriously, good job on calling his b.s. and not letting it drag out. Good job on prioritizing yourself.
I really don’t think you need to worry about the stuff you’re worried about. When I was 25, I still had yet to have a couple relationships out of feelings of worthlessness before taking a self-improvement break and then meeting my now-fiancé (who I met when I was 28). I really remember feeling a lot of what you’re feeling in my mid-20s though - I think it’s perectly normal, and still really hard. I think the biggest mistake I made in relationships at that point in my life was dating to make me feel better about myself and not because I genuinely felt the person I was dating was a person I adored. I know it sounds trite, but the advice to focus on knowing and improving yourself is such good advice. Look at the long game
posted by DoubleLune at 7:20 PM on October 29, 2017 [2 favorites]
You did the right thing and your instincts on spot on.
I just feel like giving up on love and finding my person.
Dude, just take a break. Take a break and just focus on you. You've been through a lot, not just with this relationship, you've got grad school as well. Make the next 6-12 months all about YOU.
posted by foxjacket at 9:06 PM on October 29, 2017 [1 favorite]
I just feel like giving up on love and finding my person.
Dude, just take a break. Take a break and just focus on you. You've been through a lot, not just with this relationship, you've got grad school as well. Make the next 6-12 months all about YOU.
posted by foxjacket at 9:06 PM on October 29, 2017 [1 favorite]
& also, dating apps and websites are as full of people hung up on their exes as stagnant water is of mosquitoes. I have dated those people and been that person, it's what keeps those places in business. but if being the rebound girlfriend is the hateful pattern you want to get out of, you can give up (even just temporarily) on dating apps without giving up on love. It's not you, it's them.
posted by queenofbithynia at 10:20 PM on October 29, 2017
posted by queenofbithynia at 10:20 PM on October 29, 2017
But I think I'm done trying to find my person.
Everybody is always done immediately in the aftermath of a breakup. One of two things happens: Either the feeling fades, or the feeling turns into "ugh why would I even WANT to be in a long term relationship", and in the latter case, that's a very good reason not to get into one, but more reflective of how relationships fit with your wants and needs than your actual capability to have one. You'll be done for a bit, and then either you'll change your mind or you'll feel okay with it.
Hurt now. Do nice things for yourself to make surviving the hurt easier. And then in a month or two, think about whether you want to date again. Not wanting to do it right now is just the normal and natural response to being in pain, like not wanting to think about dating while you have the flu. Also like having the flu, now is a good time to catch up on sleep, take some long baths or showers, and binge-watch some TV to rest up and feel ready to tackle the world again in a bit.
posted by Sequence at 2:12 AM on October 30, 2017
Everybody is always done immediately in the aftermath of a breakup. One of two things happens: Either the feeling fades, or the feeling turns into "ugh why would I even WANT to be in a long term relationship", and in the latter case, that's a very good reason not to get into one, but more reflective of how relationships fit with your wants and needs than your actual capability to have one. You'll be done for a bit, and then either you'll change your mind or you'll feel okay with it.
Hurt now. Do nice things for yourself to make surviving the hurt easier. And then in a month or two, think about whether you want to date again. Not wanting to do it right now is just the normal and natural response to being in pain, like not wanting to think about dating while you have the flu. Also like having the flu, now is a good time to catch up on sleep, take some long baths or showers, and binge-watch some TV to rest up and feel ready to tackle the world again in a bit.
posted by Sequence at 2:12 AM on October 30, 2017
Well done, seriously. I wish I’d had half the self-possession you have when I was 25. You’d had enough of his shit and you did something about it.
It still hurts though, even when it’s the right thing to do. It should hurt. It hurts because it mattered to you. There will be surprising little things every day that give you a new jolt of pain.
Underneath the pain, hold onto the knowledge that you did something so brave to stand up for what you want. You’re not done dating forever, I promise. You’re just done for a while. Making the decision to leave this guy now has freed up whole years in which you can find your person.
I’m terrible at listening to this advice, but take good care of yourself right now. Make yourself tea in a nice cup, get a massage, sleep in. You take care of yourself and time will take care of the pain a little bit each day.
posted by wreckofthehesperus at 4:19 AM on October 30, 2017
It still hurts though, even when it’s the right thing to do. It should hurt. It hurts because it mattered to you. There will be surprising little things every day that give you a new jolt of pain.
Underneath the pain, hold onto the knowledge that you did something so brave to stand up for what you want. You’re not done dating forever, I promise. You’re just done for a while. Making the decision to leave this guy now has freed up whole years in which you can find your person.
I’m terrible at listening to this advice, but take good care of yourself right now. Make yourself tea in a nice cup, get a massage, sleep in. You take care of yourself and time will take care of the pain a little bit each day.
posted by wreckofthehesperus at 4:19 AM on October 30, 2017
"I guess I was asking if I was crazy to break up"
You absolutely weren't. First off, you're describing this relationship while feelings of depression and sadness over it ending are still fresh, but your description of it reads differently: it reads as a compilation of everything that was difficult about it. What you have written is itself proof enough of the fact that you made a decision that is right for you. And I actually think it's right for him as well. Just the fact that the idea of being broken up with didn't seem to alarm him in the slightest is very telling: "I asked again if I could see him. He told me no, and that if I was done, then it was done."
You are very aware of what you want and don't want from a relationship. This person wasn't (capable of being) the person you're looking for. You will find people like this, sooner or later, and the relationship with them probably won't be as challenging as this one was, at least not right of the bat. And I think it will be more passionate, and it will make you feel more loved and wanted than this one did.
posted by Desertshore at 6:36 AM on October 30, 2017
You absolutely weren't. First off, you're describing this relationship while feelings of depression and sadness over it ending are still fresh, but your description of it reads differently: it reads as a compilation of everything that was difficult about it. What you have written is itself proof enough of the fact that you made a decision that is right for you. And I actually think it's right for him as well. Just the fact that the idea of being broken up with didn't seem to alarm him in the slightest is very telling: "I asked again if I could see him. He told me no, and that if I was done, then it was done."
You are very aware of what you want and don't want from a relationship. This person wasn't (capable of being) the person you're looking for. You will find people like this, sooner or later, and the relationship with them probably won't be as challenging as this one was, at least not right of the bat. And I think it will be more passionate, and it will make you feel more loved and wanted than this one did.
posted by Desertshore at 6:36 AM on October 30, 2017
Best answer: What a wonderful thing to figure out in your mid-20s--that you're unwilling to put up with a relationship where, for whatever reason, you feel like you're not a top priority in your partner's life.
Good for you for getting out of a bad relationship early rather than trying to rationalize the bad parts away or pretend that it's what you wanted and just make do. Far from making it look like you're incapable of long term relationships (you're not!), to me, this looks much more like you're unwilling to settle for a relationship that isn't a good fit for you simply because our culture tends to prioritize relationship longevity over relationship quality.
The anger that comes with feeling like you wasted your time is so, so real, and you're fortunate to have left when you were still measuring in months rather than years. Wasting years is a particularly bitter pill to swallow. To answer your question: yes, this was an extremely smart move!
I'm sorry this hurts. Breakups, even necessary ones, really suck and can do a number on your self-esteem for a time. Take care of yourself, know that you did what was right for you in this situation, and don't despair of ever finding the right person. Or if you do (because you can't really tell feelings what to do), give that despair an expiration date after which you stop caring and just go live your best life and be awesome.
posted by helloimjennsco at 7:38 AM on October 30, 2017 [1 favorite]
Good for you for getting out of a bad relationship early rather than trying to rationalize the bad parts away or pretend that it's what you wanted and just make do. Far from making it look like you're incapable of long term relationships (you're not!), to me, this looks much more like you're unwilling to settle for a relationship that isn't a good fit for you simply because our culture tends to prioritize relationship longevity over relationship quality.
The anger that comes with feeling like you wasted your time is so, so real, and you're fortunate to have left when you were still measuring in months rather than years. Wasting years is a particularly bitter pill to swallow. To answer your question: yes, this was an extremely smart move!
I'm sorry this hurts. Breakups, even necessary ones, really suck and can do a number on your self-esteem for a time. Take care of yourself, know that you did what was right for you in this situation, and don't despair of ever finding the right person. Or if you do (because you can't really tell feelings what to do), give that despair an expiration date after which you stop caring and just go live your best life and be awesome.
posted by helloimjennsco at 7:38 AM on October 30, 2017 [1 favorite]
You seem remarkably self-possessed and in touch with your own needs in a very healthy way. Especially for 25. Well done.
Dumping him sounds like a good decision.
posted by anthropomorphic at 7:32 PM on October 30, 2017
Dumping him sounds like a good decision.
posted by anthropomorphic at 7:32 PM on October 30, 2017
I guess I was asking if I was crazy to break up, and also wondering if I've started a pattern of being unable to have meaningful long-term relationships, given my history.
You are starting a pattern of being willing to end things with people who don't respect or value you. This is a good thing.
How you find a good relationship is to end poor relationships and free yourself up for better things.
Maybe those better things are other relationships, maybe it's being able to focus more on school, maybe it's just being able to relax on a Sunday by yourself instead of being saddled with someone who isn't good to you.
posted by yohko at 4:41 PM on November 2, 2017
You are starting a pattern of being willing to end things with people who don't respect or value you. This is a good thing.
How you find a good relationship is to end poor relationships and free yourself up for better things.
Maybe those better things are other relationships, maybe it's being able to focus more on school, maybe it's just being able to relax on a Sunday by yourself instead of being saddled with someone who isn't good to you.
posted by yohko at 4:41 PM on November 2, 2017
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When I got out of a really shitty relationship years ago, a surprising thing that my therapist told me was that holding onto some amount of anger was a good thing, especially if it helped me stay away from the person and away from wanting the bad relationship back. I'd advise the same for you - give yourself room to feel everything you're feeling here. It is absolutely okay and healthy to feel some anger when someone has been a jerk to you. Your feelings are valid.
posted by augustimagination at 3:11 PM on October 29, 2017 [9 favorites]