Delicate balance of respecting the ex and just getting on with my life
October 27, 2017 5:38 AM   Subscribe

It's been almost three months since I broke up with T after a fairly intense four-month relationship - a non-mutual decision that you can read about here if you wish. Respectfully, I've been avoiding events where I know he's likely to be, but how long do I have to do this for? And how can I, as the dumper, be kindest when I run into him again?

Though the cracks in the relationship felt obvious to me, when I told him it was over he was blindsided and very upset. After the break up I left the ball in his court in terms of being in touch and he has been no contact. Fine with me.

This question arises today, because last night was the first time since the breakup that I met up with the friend who helped to set up T and I. Her partner is one of T's best friends.

She and I had a great evening. I was worried beforehand about potential awkwardness discussing T and the breakup - although I trust her, her partner isn't the most sensitive and is liable to quote me back to T. Fortunately, we were able to talk about it in neutral and abstract terms as a sad decision but one that I feel was the correct one and she sympathised, agreed that I'd done the right thing as I wasn't feeling it, but was polite enough not to press for details. I've just started online dating again, so we talked about that and a whole heap of other stuff and, phew, it was like old times.

The sticky issue occurred later. She was going along to meet her partner at a gig at which some of her friends were playing. I'd been aware of it via Facebook and was interested, so I suggested going along with her. Her face fell, and she said, "Oh, but I think T is going..." - the implication being that he would not want to be in the same room as me.

During the whole of our previous conversation I'd noticed that she'd been very careful to avoid any mention of T's perspective or feelings about the breakup. I got the message though, bowed out and went to a class instead, but this has left me in a quandary. I've never had to navigate a small town breakup as a dumper before.

TL;DR questions:

1. As a dumper in a small town breakup, when the dumpee has clearly gone no contact, how long should you avoid events where you know they'll be there? I want to respect his feelings, but I'd also like to live my life again, y'know?
2. How can I be kindest when we do inevitably run into each other? Potentially at events where we'll be in the same tiny room for the evening?
3. Do I have any responsibility to let him know if/when I begin dating someone again?

Thanks in advance.
posted by doornoise to Human Relations (9 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
Best answer: I'm sorry I don't come from a small town background, but you dated for 4 months and you've been no contact for 3? Dude, it's fine. Live your life. You've gone above and beyond in terms of respectful distance (I normally calculate half the time I've been with someone as the 'get over' period) and any hurt feelings he's still holding onto is definitely his problem, not yours.

When you do run into each other, just be your normal friendly self. You seem like a nice person. Don't try and coddle his feelings. Just do you.

Do I have any responsibility to let him know if/when I begin dating someone again? Oh hells no.
posted by like_neon at 6:07 AM on October 27, 2017 [28 favorites]


Agreed 4 months dating + 3 months no contact you can do what you like with whomever you like.

Fingers crossed that you might some nice guys who are not so connected to your old scene, even in small towns it is possible!
posted by lafemma at 6:26 AM on October 27, 2017 [1 favorite]


Best answer: I think in this specific case, as you were suggesting arriving with your ex's best friend (where presumably they would want to hang out together), she was correct to dissuade you. But I don't think you should self-impose an exile on yourself - just be mindful that some people are going to feel more loyalty to one or the other of you and for now stick with those that are not as close to your ex.
posted by saucysault at 7:40 AM on October 27, 2017 [9 favorites]


Best answer: yeah, her carefulness here has to do with the special relationship she and her partner have with T, and the reasonable expectation that they'd want to hang out with T at the event. It's not about you "being in the same room" with him.

There's no reasonable expectation that you'd never be anywhere he is. Don't worry about it.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:48 AM on October 27, 2017 [4 favorites]


Response by poster: Of course! That makes much more sense now.

I didn't clock the potential dynamic at the gig if I turned up with my friend and then her partner and T were already there together, I was just going on the bare fact that T would be there. I think it's because she personally is not particularly close to T that I missed the implications - but fortunately she didn't, because that experience would have been awkward to say the least.

Wise people - thank you! And thanks for the more general dumper etiquette advice too. Seems I've served my time!
posted by doornoise at 8:10 AM on October 27, 2017 [3 favorites]


Best answer: 1. As a dumper in a small town breakup, when the dumpee has clearly gone no contact, how long should you avoid events where you know they'll be there? I want to respect his feelings, but I'd also like to live my life again, y'know?

You are more than fine on this. Live your life.

2. How can I be kindest when we do inevitably run into each other? Potentially at events where we'll be in the same tiny room for the evening?

Polite but detached. Just nod and smile to acknowledge his existence and be generally pleasant. Don't try to chat with him specifically.

3. Do I have any responsibility to let him know if/when I begin dating someone again?


Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
posted by desuetude at 12:32 PM on October 27, 2017 [2 favorites]


Best answer: I would actually start reintegrating. It was kind of you to do this, but there comes a point where he is going to think he actually deserves all the tiptoeing around and that bar is 'his' and those friends are 'his' and you're being controlled by way of his hurt feelings. (He might not be that personality type but I've also had friends try that out on me and all it was, was that they didn't want to to deal with temporary awkwardness.) It was four months, not a twenty year marriage. Rip the bandaid off, smile and nod and both of you will share the town. If he can't cope, he can leave.
posted by Jubey at 1:29 PM on October 27, 2017 [3 favorites]


Best answer: 3. Do I have any responsibility to let him know if/when I begin dating someone again?

What? No! What possible reason could there be for this. He's not entitled to any details about your life. And he went no contact - he doesn't want to know. So continue to respect that.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 1:30 PM on October 27, 2017


Best answer: I agree with the advice above--in this specific instance, you were polite to avoid the situation.

You might want to consider doing the same in another situation where a mutual friend raises a concern, unless it involves something that you really want to do or someone else it's very important to see. I'd warn against being too accommodating, though, lest everyone, including T, start thinking that you are the one who will always give way.

Beyond considering specific individual concerns if they are brought to your attention, do as you please and be polite but distant if you run into this guy. You both deserve the chance to get on with your lives.
posted by rpfields at 5:33 PM on October 27, 2017


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