crouton petter to the max
October 20, 2017 3:16 PM Subscribe
I have to get rid of a lot of my worldly possessions, and it is making me sad.
I am preparing for a move in my city, with an eye to moving abroad in the near future. As I downsize from my own apartment to roommates (and eventually to some boxes at my mom's and a suitcase), I have to get rid of a lot of things. Like the couch I am currently lying on. And I am starting to cry just thinking about it, because I love this couch, and it represents a lot of things to me, and I am worried I am hurting its feelings by getting rid of it. And I don't want it to be sad.
Please help me not cry about the storage containers I got at IKEA feeling like I am abandoning them. This is a serious question. I am sad about moving as well, even though it represents a lot of positive things for me. The within-city move is harder, because I do love my current apartment so much.
I am preparing for a move in my city, with an eye to moving abroad in the near future. As I downsize from my own apartment to roommates (and eventually to some boxes at my mom's and a suitcase), I have to get rid of a lot of things. Like the couch I am currently lying on. And I am starting to cry just thinking about it, because I love this couch, and it represents a lot of things to me, and I am worried I am hurting its feelings by getting rid of it. And I don't want it to be sad.
Please help me not cry about the storage containers I got at IKEA feeling like I am abandoning them. This is a serious question. I am sad about moving as well, even though it represents a lot of positive things for me. The within-city move is harder, because I do love my current apartment so much.
Best answer: Try to at least freecycle your belongings. Knowing that someone else will get joy out of them should help. It has helped me (and I am the daughter of two hoarders, so I have to fight the BIG fight every day over attachment to things).
posted by clone boulevard at 3:23 PM on October 20, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by clone boulevard at 3:23 PM on October 20, 2017 [3 favorites]
Best answer: You are blessing someone else's life. I like to imagine the new lives my cast-off possessions have with single moms who are furnishing their first real apartment and dignified retired gentlemen who are learning how to cook to keep busy and scrappy college students who will sleep off many a well-earned hangover on that couch, etc. Crouton-petting can take many forms, friend.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 3:28 PM on October 20, 2017 [24 favorites]
posted by Snarl Furillo at 3:28 PM on October 20, 2017 [24 favorites]
Best answer: To take it a step further, if you really suspect that your belongings have inner lives, try to visualize that you are freeing your belongings to have new adventures. Maybe your couch has been lonely all this time, wanting another couch to chat with. In its new home, there is already a couch and they can be friends. Or maybe your couch would like a pet to hang with, and you don't have any. At least your couch will have something new to look at. Maybe its new owners will like better tv than you!
posted by clone boulevard at 3:29 PM on October 20, 2017 [25 favorites]
posted by clone boulevard at 3:29 PM on October 20, 2017 [25 favorites]
When I was getting rid of some possessions it helped for me to take pictures of the things and then let them go knowing I have a permanent memory of them.
posted by starlybri at 3:31 PM on October 20, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by starlybri at 3:31 PM on October 20, 2017 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Give yourself time and space to feel sad about downsizing. You may be projecting your own grief onto your objects, which is not really fair to them (spoken as a fellow crouton petter!) Journal, hire a therapist, make a date with a compassionate friend—whatever works to help feel and express your own natural ambivalence and grief about the changes in your life.
It might help to take a page from Marie Kondo. Thank your things for their service, and tell them what a good job they've done. Tell them that you're releasing them so that they can have new adventures with someone who needs them more than you do.
They'll be fine. You will be too. Sadness is just one shade in the ever-changing palette of human emotion. It has its own beauty. Acknowledge it, and let it pass like the weather.
posted by ottereroticist at 3:37 PM on October 20, 2017 [6 favorites]
It might help to take a page from Marie Kondo. Thank your things for their service, and tell them what a good job they've done. Tell them that you're releasing them so that they can have new adventures with someone who needs them more than you do.
They'll be fine. You will be too. Sadness is just one shade in the ever-changing palette of human emotion. It has its own beauty. Acknowledge it, and let it pass like the weather.
posted by ottereroticist at 3:37 PM on October 20, 2017 [6 favorites]
When one of my children needed to purge their room (we were moving too) of many of their outgrown toys, we had a ceremony/funeral/service for the objects. Most were donated and they wrote a note to put in the box for most of the toys wishing the new owner all the great times they had had with the toys. The toys and other things that were discarded, we spoke a few sentences, sort of a eulogy, and then finished with the Jewish mourners prayer.
posted by AugustWest at 3:49 PM on October 20, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by AugustWest at 3:49 PM on October 20, 2017 [4 favorites]
Were you more sad or excited when you left home? Maybe they are looking forward to a new adventure.
posted by amtho at 4:15 PM on October 20, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by amtho at 4:15 PM on October 20, 2017 [1 favorite]
It's okay to say goodbye to your stuff and tell it how much it has meant to you. And hug it.
posted by windykites at 5:10 PM on October 20, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by windykites at 5:10 PM on October 20, 2017 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Also like, it's ok to cry.
posted by windykites at 5:13 PM on October 20, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by windykites at 5:13 PM on October 20, 2017 [1 favorite]
Tell it a story about your leaving so it can be happy for you.
posted by corb at 5:14 PM on October 20, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by corb at 5:14 PM on October 20, 2017 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I did the Marie Kondo thing and it was really helpful in two ways that might help you:
- Remembering that your things were great for you at the time you bought or acquired them; at that time they sparked joy (her phrase) for you so the fact that circumstances have changed is no fault of theirs! Even those socks you bought and never took the tags off of? You still bought them for a reason. It's definitely OK if that reason isn't still valid - in fact, the fact that circumstances have changed almost encourages you to pass them on.
- Considering whether your things are helping you live for now, not the past, if a focus on the future is relevant to you. It sounds like having less stuff will help you open your life to new experiences you want to have; your stuff wants to support you and help you have that life. Letting it go means, in the end, living only with objects that support you.
I will say this, though - if you go the Kondo route, read the original book. The videos and segments I've seen on YouTube don't really encapsulate the method well, and the arc of the book wraps up in a really helpful and inspiring way. It is emphatically not a "de-cluttering" book or a book on "getting rid" of "crap".
posted by mdonley at 5:27 PM on October 20, 2017 [7 favorites]
- Remembering that your things were great for you at the time you bought or acquired them; at that time they sparked joy (her phrase) for you so the fact that circumstances have changed is no fault of theirs! Even those socks you bought and never took the tags off of? You still bought them for a reason. It's definitely OK if that reason isn't still valid - in fact, the fact that circumstances have changed almost encourages you to pass them on.
- Considering whether your things are helping you live for now, not the past, if a focus on the future is relevant to you. It sounds like having less stuff will help you open your life to new experiences you want to have; your stuff wants to support you and help you have that life. Letting it go means, in the end, living only with objects that support you.
I will say this, though - if you go the Kondo route, read the original book. The videos and segments I've seen on YouTube don't really encapsulate the method well, and the arc of the book wraps up in a really helpful and inspiring way. It is emphatically not a "de-cluttering" book or a book on "getting rid" of "crap".
posted by mdonley at 5:27 PM on October 20, 2017 [7 favorites]
Best answer: Howdy! I am moving out of the country in a few months and have to get rid of most of my stuff. I did this 8 years ago too, and it was a nightmare. Taking pictures, as mentioned above, really helped me. This is what is helping me this time:
1. Reminding myself that the items I like but haven't used much get to be used and loved by a more enthusiastic owner.
2. Reminding myself that there is no shortage of wonderful objects in the world and leaving this place and moving to another gives me a fresh opportunity to find different, still-wonderful objects.
3. Planning a moving sale that will partly benefit me and partly benefit a charity.
4. Keeping X (to be determined) number of things that truly matter to me as me, not as the me I was hoping to become or the old me or the me that someone else may think I am.
5. Taking pictures not only of objects but also my household and neighbourhood to help me bridge the transition.
6. Crying periodically, because moving is stressful, difficult, and sad. In my case, it's not only a necessary evil but also the path to living near my beloved grandchildren and getting to see them often, which I really, really want to be able to do.
Don't feel bad about feeling sad. That's totally normal. Do remind yourself of the adventures ahead of you. And do gently remind yourself that your feelings are more important than any object (I say this as someone who used to talk to rocks).
This was a great question! Thanks for asking, OP, and be of good cheer! There are adventures ahead for both of us and for our belongings as well. Safe travels!
posted by Bella Donna at 5:28 PM on October 20, 2017 [9 favorites]
1. Reminding myself that the items I like but haven't used much get to be used and loved by a more enthusiastic owner.
2. Reminding myself that there is no shortage of wonderful objects in the world and leaving this place and moving to another gives me a fresh opportunity to find different, still-wonderful objects.
3. Planning a moving sale that will partly benefit me and partly benefit a charity.
4. Keeping X (to be determined) number of things that truly matter to me as me, not as the me I was hoping to become or the old me or the me that someone else may think I am.
5. Taking pictures not only of objects but also my household and neighbourhood to help me bridge the transition.
6. Crying periodically, because moving is stressful, difficult, and sad. In my case, it's not only a necessary evil but also the path to living near my beloved grandchildren and getting to see them often, which I really, really want to be able to do.
Don't feel bad about feeling sad. That's totally normal. Do remind yourself of the adventures ahead of you. And do gently remind yourself that your feelings are more important than any object (I say this as someone who used to talk to rocks).
This was a great question! Thanks for asking, OP, and be of good cheer! There are adventures ahead for both of us and for our belongings as well. Safe travels!
posted by Bella Donna at 5:28 PM on October 20, 2017 [9 favorites]
The way you've phrased this really calls for this link. Ikea is giving you permission!
posted by praemunire at 6:40 PM on October 20, 2017
posted by praemunire at 6:40 PM on October 20, 2017
It might help to take a page from Marie Kondo. Thank your things for their service, and tell them what a good job they've done. Tell them that you're releasing them so that they can have new adventures with someone who needs them more than you do.
It really is incredibly helpful and effective! And if it's something that wasn't really effective for you or useful, you say something like, "Thank you for teaching me not to wear this color" or the like.
posted by jgirl at 6:57 PM on October 20, 2017 [6 favorites]
It really is incredibly helpful and effective! And if it's something that wasn't really effective for you or useful, you say something like, "Thank you for teaching me not to wear this color" or the like.
posted by jgirl at 6:57 PM on October 20, 2017 [6 favorites]
“I have the largest seashell collection in the world. I keep it scattered on beaches everywhere.” -Steven Wright
posted by bendy at 6:58 PM on October 20, 2017 [19 favorites]
posted by bendy at 6:58 PM on October 20, 2017 [19 favorites]
Best answer: To expand on some earlier suggestions, before you go any further, take pictures of your rooms, your things, your house, and any other beloved places or people that are specific to this place and this time in your life. And then, because you attach to physical objects and pet croutons, collect the pictures and get them printed in a physical book that you can take with you where you go so that you know that these precious memories are going with you and will not be abandoned or forgotten by you, even as you move forward into the next phase of your life.
posted by metahawk at 7:29 PM on October 20, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by metahawk at 7:29 PM on October 20, 2017 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Sometimes just saying goodbye can help. Like if it were me and the time came to say goodbye to my couch, I’d probably say something like, “Goodbye, couch. You were a good and comfy friend, and I wish you a long life with your new family.” And even just saying that can offer some closure.
Believe me—I totally get where you’re coming from. I’m the type of person who tucks her stuffed bear, Panic, into her suitcase before a trip while reassuring her, “Don’t worry—the trip won’t be too long. And I’ll see you on the other side.”
(And if it might offer any comic relief as you’re going through this, I also tweet about the things that I say to objects around the house at @HelloCroutons. Feel free to laugh at me if it helps.)
posted by Handcoding at 8:53 PM on October 20, 2017 [7 favorites]
Believe me—I totally get where you’re coming from. I’m the type of person who tucks her stuffed bear, Panic, into her suitcase before a trip while reassuring her, “Don’t worry—the trip won’t be too long. And I’ll see you on the other side.”
(And if it might offer any comic relief as you’re going through this, I also tweet about the things that I say to objects around the house at @HelloCroutons. Feel free to laugh at me if it helps.)
posted by Handcoding at 8:53 PM on October 20, 2017 [7 favorites]
A lot of my furniture came from other people. I like these specific things, but I also like that they had times and places before me. My couch was my grandmother's. I like that I can kind of squint and see it in her home with her too.
If you know anyone who needs things, it can be nice to pass them on to someone who knows you and will enjoy the connection to you. It doesn't have to be a close connection-- one of my mom's many friends heard I was back in town a year after getting married and asked my mom if we could use a kitchen table. She had been using it in its folded down version as a side table and said she didn't really need another one. It was amazing to have a pretty kitchen table and so lovely that she thought to reach out like that.
posted by Margalo Epps at 9:31 PM on October 20, 2017 [2 favorites]
If you know anyone who needs things, it can be nice to pass them on to someone who knows you and will enjoy the connection to you. It doesn't have to be a close connection-- one of my mom's many friends heard I was back in town a year after getting married and asked my mom if we could use a kitchen table. She had been using it in its folded down version as a side table and said she didn't really need another one. It was amazing to have a pretty kitchen table and so lovely that she thought to reach out like that.
posted by Margalo Epps at 9:31 PM on October 20, 2017 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Can you pass those things along to important people in your life? Really think about how many of those belongings are treasured and honored enough to be loved by someone YOU treasure and love.
Eleven days ago I lost my entire house and everything I owned in a fire...it was the best house I’d ever lived in, and it contained many decades of memories and things we loved. We got out with the clothes we wore and our beloved elderly dog (who we euthanized three days after the fire. We knew that was coming very soon, and had envisioned an entirely different last best day with lots of cheeseburgers in his familiar surroundings, but we did our best at a friend’s house.) Among all the many necessary calls etc., I’ve been making a list of the things I REALLY loved and honestly, it comes down to less than twenty things, from irreplaceable artwork to a silly little bedside battery clock that’s been with me for 40 + years. It’s cliche, but rebuilding a material life now is completely secondary to the love of friends and family. Best of luck in your future adventures.
posted by Gusaroo at 2:03 AM on October 21, 2017 [9 favorites]
Eleven days ago I lost my entire house and everything I owned in a fire...it was the best house I’d ever lived in, and it contained many decades of memories and things we loved. We got out with the clothes we wore and our beloved elderly dog (who we euthanized three days after the fire. We knew that was coming very soon, and had envisioned an entirely different last best day with lots of cheeseburgers in his familiar surroundings, but we did our best at a friend’s house.) Among all the many necessary calls etc., I’ve been making a list of the things I REALLY loved and honestly, it comes down to less than twenty things, from irreplaceable artwork to a silly little bedside battery clock that’s been with me for 40 + years. It’s cliche, but rebuilding a material life now is completely secondary to the love of friends and family. Best of luck in your future adventures.
posted by Gusaroo at 2:03 AM on October 21, 2017 [9 favorites]
Response by poster: thank you all, so much. i've marked as best answer the ones that particularly resonated for me, but i am gently petting all of your comments and kind words.
posted by quadrilaterals at 9:25 AM on October 21, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by quadrilaterals at 9:25 AM on October 21, 2017 [5 favorites]
Best answer: I did the Marie Kondo thing and it was really helpful in two ways that might help you:
- Remembering that your things were great for you at the time you bought or acquired them; at that time they sparked joy (her phrase) for you so the fact that circumstances have changed is no fault of theirs! Even those socks you bought and never took the tags off of? You still bought them for a reason. It's definitely OK if that reason isn't still valid - in fact, the fact that circumstances have changed almost encourages you to pass them on.
To expand on this a little, Kondo talks a lot about the purpose of things, and how many of the things we hold on to have already served their purpose. What really struck me was when she applied it to things that are still hanging in your closet with the price tags on, things that you've never worn. She says that perhaps their purpose was to make you feel good when you bought them. You tried that shirt on in the store and it looked great and made you feel good about yourself, and it's ok for that to be the extent of the shirt's purpose in your life. Now it's time to hand it on to someone else.
So to apply that to your situation (and this has helped me a lot), think about everything you are giving away, and identify a purpose for it. Your couch has served an amazing purpose in your life! How many times have you watched movies on it, napped on it, read a book on it? How many life events has it seen you through? How much comfortableness has it brought to your life? Now its purpose for you is almost at an end, so think about all the ways it has served you and then pass it on so that it can bring the same things to someone else.
(This sounds like a lot of emotional work, but once I got into it it was really fun, and quick. A potato masher? Wow, I remember that time I made amazing mashed potatoes with it and all of my friends were so impressed because they'd only ever had mashed potatoes from an envelope. Thanks potato masher! *clonk* Into the Goodwill box it goes.)
posted by lollymccatburglar at 10:37 AM on October 21, 2017 [6 favorites]
- Remembering that your things were great for you at the time you bought or acquired them; at that time they sparked joy (her phrase) for you so the fact that circumstances have changed is no fault of theirs! Even those socks you bought and never took the tags off of? You still bought them for a reason. It's definitely OK if that reason isn't still valid - in fact, the fact that circumstances have changed almost encourages you to pass them on.
To expand on this a little, Kondo talks a lot about the purpose of things, and how many of the things we hold on to have already served their purpose. What really struck me was when she applied it to things that are still hanging in your closet with the price tags on, things that you've never worn. She says that perhaps their purpose was to make you feel good when you bought them. You tried that shirt on in the store and it looked great and made you feel good about yourself, and it's ok for that to be the extent of the shirt's purpose in your life. Now it's time to hand it on to someone else.
So to apply that to your situation (and this has helped me a lot), think about everything you are giving away, and identify a purpose for it. Your couch has served an amazing purpose in your life! How many times have you watched movies on it, napped on it, read a book on it? How many life events has it seen you through? How much comfortableness has it brought to your life? Now its purpose for you is almost at an end, so think about all the ways it has served you and then pass it on so that it can bring the same things to someone else.
(This sounds like a lot of emotional work, but once I got into it it was really fun, and quick. A potato masher? Wow, I remember that time I made amazing mashed potatoes with it and all of my friends were so impressed because they'd only ever had mashed potatoes from an envelope. Thanks potato masher! *clonk* Into the Goodwill box it goes.)
posted by lollymccatburglar at 10:37 AM on October 21, 2017 [6 favorites]
Came here to ask a question, but I have to pipe in on this one. When my boyfriend and I were setting up housekeeping with not very much money we hit a freecycle jackpot and wound up getting a bunch of household goods from a couple who were moving to another city. Many years later and no longer in straitened circumstances we still use several of their items every day. I think of that couple fondly and hope they are doing well.
posted by HaveYouTriedRebooting at 1:15 PM on October 21, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by HaveYouTriedRebooting at 1:15 PM on October 21, 2017 [4 favorites]
Having literally just been in your situation, getting ready to move and feeling sad about giving up good and faithful possessions, putting stuff on Freecycle made me feel a lot better.
posted by sarcasticah at 4:47 PM on October 21, 2017
posted by sarcasticah at 4:47 PM on October 21, 2017
(Except my old stuffed animals. I tried to give some of them away to a neighbor, said neighbor ended up leaving them outside in the rain, the sight of my poor old teddy bear and pink bunny all slumped over sad and wet and dejected literally made me cry... and I asked the neighbor if I could have them back. She didn't mind, so I rescued them and ran them through the washer and dryer and promised to never abandon them again. I am a 45-year-old grown-up. Yeah.)
posted by sarcasticah at 4:50 PM on October 21, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by sarcasticah at 4:50 PM on October 21, 2017 [4 favorites]
My wife is an active member of a "Buy Nothing" group in our neighborhood. It's organized as a group on social media and the idea is that it helps build community in a local area by encouraging people to give away (free of charge) things that they no longer need, and to ask for things that they do need.
One of the tenets of the group is that when you express interest in receiving an item on offer, you should explain why you want it - not just "interested!" but "I'm interested in the 12 pack of mason jars because I'm planning on canning tomatoes this year". This is intended to create more of a positive emotional connection than just "we save money by sharing stuff".
We've given away a lot of useful stuff that we no longer needed or wanted, and we've received a lot of useful stuff that would have cost a lot more had we purchased it new or used. We haven't been keeping track of dollars, but I figure our karma is about even - we've given away a few "formerly high value" items like a flat screen TV set, an old but fairly high-end desk chair, and so forth.
If such a group exists in your area, it might give you some positive feelings to give your things away to local people in the community.
posted by theorique at 6:26 AM on October 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
One of the tenets of the group is that when you express interest in receiving an item on offer, you should explain why you want it - not just "interested!" but "I'm interested in the 12 pack of mason jars because I'm planning on canning tomatoes this year". This is intended to create more of a positive emotional connection than just "we save money by sharing stuff".
We've given away a lot of useful stuff that we no longer needed or wanted, and we've received a lot of useful stuff that would have cost a lot more had we purchased it new or used. We haven't been keeping track of dollars, but I figure our karma is about even - we've given away a few "formerly high value" items like a flat screen TV set, an old but fairly high-end desk chair, and so forth.
If such a group exists in your area, it might give you some positive feelings to give your things away to local people in the community.
posted by theorique at 6:26 AM on October 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
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