We're splitting up over photographs!
October 15, 2017 5:08 PM   Subscribe

My boyfriend didn't take any pictures of me in our two years together, and as soon as he took some, he also photographed an ex-love.

For the two years we've been together I've been feeling hurt about the fact that my partner doesn't end up photographing me. I've expressed it multiple times. His excuse is that because I'm always around, we're not long distance, he doesn't need photographs. That makes me feel taken for granted (and we do spend something like two months apart every year).

Then, recently, we went off traveling for three months and he started to take pictures of me, making me very happy. But as part of the trip we stayed a long time (too long, in retrospect) with a woman he used to have a crush on for a very long time. They're only friends now and she lives with her partner and son and I thought it would be okay, but it was very difficult situation for me even though she and I got along well. He tried to make it easier some of the time, but not very hard. He even at one point broke my trust by telling her about what I felt when I explicitly told him not to. And then we got back and I suddenly found he'd taken a bunch of pictures of her while we were there... her alone, at different times, smiling into the camera.

Most likely it was innocent as he says—she's an old friend now and they haven't met in a long time. But given that he chased her for years, and I've been expressing my hurt so clearly to him, at the very least it seems terribly insensitive to my feelings. And it just seems strange to take so many pictures, as if he was trying to flatter her and make her feel beautiful (there's just one of her partner, and one of another good male friend who was with us)

He is very angry and defensive, says I'm over-reacting, in fact we're on the verge of splitting up over this. If it was totally innocent (which most of my brain believes, if not all) I would at last want sensitivity about hurting my feelings instead of a justificaiton of the whole thing.

Help me here, am I over-reacting?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (39 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
People who deeply care about you are generally happy to do stuff that makes you happy, especially when it's zero-stakes for them personally. They don't devalue your feelings, disrespect your private communications, or shrug or get mad when you express a concern or insecurity.

This isn't really about the pictures, but you are being given a pretty loud and clear message here about your relationship.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:14 PM on October 15, 2017 [78 favorites]


He's very cold and insensitive towards you, generally. Absolutely break up with him. It's not about the pictures, it's about the fact that he's fine doing things to make you feel badly. That is not good partner behavior. Caring about the other person's feelings is the bare minimum for a romantic relationship.

He can't manage the bare minimum towards you. Dump him. Don't take him back. Put yourself first.
posted by jbenben at 5:15 PM on October 15, 2017 [18 favorites]


I've been feeling hurt about the fact that my partner doesn't end up photographing me. I've expressed it multiple times. His excuse is that [silly excuses deleted]

His excuses for this really stopped mattering when you told him that you felt bad that he didn't photograph you. He doesn't care whether you feel bad, at least not enough to lift a finger to do something so remarkably easy to help you feel better.

You're not overreacting.
posted by grouse at 5:23 PM on October 15, 2017 [6 favorites]


Yeeeees this is... wrong. The ground has shifted under your feet for a good reason. I would get out.
posted by karmachameleon at 5:24 PM on October 15, 2017 [6 favorites]


For me, the reason to break up would have been his telling her about private feelings after being asked not to. "You're overreacting" can be another way of saying, "I don't respect these bad feelings that you have."
posted by wryly at 5:37 PM on October 15, 2017 [20 favorites]


I don't think you're overreacting.

It may be true that "nothing happened" of a physical nature between them. But this isn't about cheating in that way. He had to have known you would be upset by his actions, and he did them anyway. It suggests that he doesn't respect you, cherish you, and want to make you happy.

Photographing this other woman suggests he cares for her in a way that he doesn't care for you. It's not unreasonable for you to want that from him. If he doesn't see that, he's either clueless, or just not wanting to admit he understands exactly why you're angry and hurt.
posted by tuesdayschild at 5:38 PM on October 15, 2017 [4 favorites]


Mod note: This is a followup from the asker.
I feel I left out an important detail. He's offered to delete the pictures, break off contact with her (though he would resent that), do whatever I need to feel better, he's not entirely cold. But what I need is some acknowledgment that what he did to begin with was insensitive, and it gets to me that he justifies taking all those pictures in this context. He should have known I'd be hurt . And my holding on to this demand for an apology is what angers him and makes him feel blamed.
posted by cortex (staff) at 5:39 PM on October 15, 2017


My husband and I had a fight 7 years ago because he never asked about how my day was. He's asked about my day every day since then. If a guy cares, he will do what you need to be happy, especially when it's as simple as taking more pictures or asking a question. The pictures of the other woman is another level of messed up; he is either utterly insensitive, or he's both utterly insensitive and also still into this other woman.
posted by gatorae at 5:43 PM on October 15, 2017 [22 favorites]


I can’t imagine being with someone who didn’t want pictures of me to show his friends, or post pictures with me, etc. I’m usually on the “work it out” camp, but someone who didn’t care enough to want pictures of me would absolutely be a dealbreaker.
posted by DoubleLune at 5:44 PM on October 15, 2017 [12 favorites]


Uhhhhh. Just as an alternative point of view...

He doesn't make a point of photographing you because he sees you all the time. He did photograph his friend because he hadn't seen her in a long time and sees her only rarely.

But regardless, you being upset about him not taking photos of you is a no-win. Because what you actually want is for him to want to take photos of you. And he doesn't, at least not in the everyday way you want him to.

I would think about what him taking photos of you actually means to you: that he thinks you're beautiful, or attractive, or that it provides social media proof of your relationship, or any of a million other things. Then think about if he demonstrates those things in other ways.

Because frankly, this reads to me as really insecure and needy, and that isn't something it is your boyfriend's job to fix through literal performance art.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:49 PM on October 15, 2017 [34 favorites]


Pictures of people aren't that important to some people; they just don't learn to connect emotions to them (I'm talking about myself here). I'm not saying they're not missing out! I definitely wish I'd taken more photographs of people when I was younger; in truth, I don't think I took _any_, not even of people I felt strongly about.

One possible benign explanation is that your boyfriend never really felt strongly about photos of _anyone_, then once he started photographing you, he kind of saw the point suddenly, and decided, hey, maybe I should photograph other significant people.

In truth, this one set of behaviors is not enough to evaluate your relationship or your boyfriend's feelings. You know the whole pattern of his behavior; that's how to make sense of this. That, and talking to him, and seeing how he acts from now on.
posted by amtho at 5:51 PM on October 15, 2017 [3 favorites]


This is so weird and gross on way too many levels. You're doing the right thing.
posted by bleep at 5:59 PM on October 15, 2017 [10 favorites]


And my holding on to this demand for an apology is what angers him and makes him feel blamed.

Him offering you some sort of penance by destroying his friendship with this women isn't enough to answer your insecurities. And it's those you need to address.

I'm sorry this is harsh, but your relationship probably won't survive, but for other reasons than the other people have stated here.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 6:32 PM on October 15, 2017 [4 favorites]


He just doesn't prioritize your feelings. He's either incapable of prioritizing your feelings right now (being self-absorbed), or chooses not to. It's not a partnership.
posted by thesockpuppet at 6:42 PM on October 15, 2017 [5 favorites]


And then we got back and I suddenly found he'd taken a bunch of pictures of her while we were there... her alone, at different times, smiling into the camera.

Likr, were you snooping on his phone/device and found these photos today tucked into their own folder? Or were they a part of the album with all of the other pictures, not hidden?

I dunno, some people don’t take pictures because their family didnt take a lot of pictures. You seem to consider pictures of you as a kind of love language. So while I don’t think he did anything egregiously wrong (speaking as someone who is still friendly with exes), you should break up.
posted by kimberussell at 6:43 PM on October 15, 2017 [7 favorites]


I have a friend who had been with her boyfriend for almost a year and he had never once posted a photo of her on Instagram, either with him or alone. He was very active on social media, posting multiple times a day, and either didn’t value the relationship enough to include her in the visual story of his life OR he was trying to keep his options open with other women. I’m a very casual social media user and it still struck me as glaringly obvious. He broke up with her right before the year mark. All of this is not to say that the same thing is happening here, just to say that your feelings are valid, it isn’t needy or insecure and he is neglecting your needs. I married the guy who posted a photo of me in his hometown sports T-shirt a month after we started dating - that’s the kind of guy you want and therefore it’s what you deserve.
posted by tatiana wishbone at 6:59 PM on October 15, 2017 [8 favorites]


My husband jokingly says that he doesn't perceive other women besides me. I know that's not literally true and it's a little weird to say but that's a thing he does to help me feel comfortable and secure in our relationship. It's a small thing but it's a thing.

Maybe your boyfriend doesn't take pictures of you. My husband doesn't take pictures of me unless I'm making a weird face and sure, I wish he thought I was so impossibly gorgeous that he just had to take pictures of me all the time (though if I said that to him, I think he'd feel sad because he does think I'm pretty - he's just doesn't take a lot of pictures). But it sounds like your boyfriend isn't doing much to make you feel comfortable and secure in your relationship.

I obviously don't know but it sounds like the pictures aren't the problem but they're part of a pattern of you feeling like your boyfriend doesn't value you as much as you think he should and that this issue is something tangible you can point to. Rereading your question, you mention feeling taken for granted and feeling like he's not respecting your feelings. Those things are worth ending a relationship over. It's about the pictures and this woman but it's also not. Go with your gut - if he's not going to respect your feelings, you need to.
posted by kat518 at 7:33 PM on October 15, 2017 [5 favorites]


Help me here, am I over-reacting?

I think so.

If it was totally innocent (which most of my brain believes, if not all) I would at last want sensitivity about hurting my feelings instead of a justificaiton of the whole thing.

If I took some totally innocent pictures I would at least want the benefit of the doubt from somebody I've been with for two years instead of accusations of emotional infidelity. If I didn't get that, I'd probably get

He is very angry and defensive, says I'm over-reacting

whoomp there it is
posted by obiwanwasabi at 7:44 PM on October 15, 2017 [3 favorites]


As another data point, my bf is not the stereotypical "romantic" type. He might occasionally ask if I want him to take a photo of me, but it isn't something he wants to do. That said, my car wouldn't start the other day, and he brought a flatbed trailer and hand cranked it up and towed it for me. I mentioned wanting a garden and three raised beds filled with soil appeared within days. When I am late or have an event, he makes sure I have something to eat waiting when I get home. This is to say that people express love in many different ways, and you need to consider the whole. He's not going to buy flowers and cards, but he does a lot of thoughtful things nonetheless. If it's just the photo thing and he's otherwise great, take more selfies. If it's more than that, maybe there's a problem. You can't make people love and express themselves like you might.
posted by OneSmartMonkey at 7:45 PM on October 15, 2017 [12 favorites]


Dude, everyone saying “maybe his family doesn’t take pictures” or “maybe you’re just insecure” is possibly missing the part where he took a bunch of pictures? Of this other woman? Without being asked?

It’s possibly true that he doesn’t take pictures of you because he sees you all the time and this took many pictures of this woman as he DOESN’T see her all the time but I don’t think it’s necessarily insecure to want to feel cherished by him, and if you’re not getting that in other ways then maybe your expressing it over this photo thing because it’s one thing that you personally know you would like. So if he’s so unaffectionate that you’re ready to break up over this, was it a long time coming?

I mean “you’re insecure” is meaningless without larger context; trusting and loving a person who makes no effort to make you feel safe will do that to almost anyone. If he’s actually affectionate and great then maybe it’s just you, but that’s not a given. “Just fix your emotional deficiencies” is useless advice if his are directly related to yours. “Identify his weaknesses so you don’t feel guilty for what he does wrong and then maybe leave” is just as good.
posted by stoneandstar at 8:29 PM on October 15, 2017 [17 favorites]


Dude, everyone saying “maybe his family doesn’t take pictures” or “maybe you’re just insecure” is possibly missing the part where he took a bunch of pictures? Of this other woman? Without being asked?

And maybe missed the part where you told him several times that his behavior bothered you and you wanted him to take more photos.

You expressed your needs; he didn't change. He then did something that hurt you; rather than apologizing, he's being defensive. Those don't automatically mean that you need to break up, but I don't think you're overreacting.
posted by lazuli at 8:41 PM on October 15, 2017 [21 favorites]


I'd have to know about your previous requests. Did you express clearly why you wanted him to take more pictures? (Presumably because you think he doesn't find you attractive or important or something.) Did you say directly that you were hurt (using that specific word)? Did he acknowledge that, and promise to try? If so, then you have a case here. Otherwise it's completely plausible he didn't know how important it is to you.

I think he should apologize for disclosing a secret to her, but I think you are being stubborn about making him apologize for taking the photos of her. It's a weird hill to die on if you otherwise feel supported and loved.
posted by AFABulous at 10:03 PM on October 15, 2017 [1 favorite]


I don't think it's about the pictures. I suspect you're picking up on something else that's harder to explain, but the pictures are easier to explain. Fundamentally, things don't feel right to you and it doesn't matter if other people think you're overreacting. You're not going to be happy with him if it doesn't feel right.
posted by bighappyhairydog at 10:34 PM on October 15, 2017 [17 favorites]


He ignores your feelings in other ways, too, doesn't he?
If so, re-think this guy.
posted by SLC Mom at 11:39 PM on October 15, 2017 [2 favorites]


You expressed your needs; he didn't change. He then did something that hurt you; rather than apologizing, he's being defensive.

This. It says SO much.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 2:31 AM on October 16, 2017 [8 favorites]


He's offered to delete the pictures, break off contact with her (though he would resent that), do whatever I need to feel better, he's not entirely cold.

So he still doesn't get that this isn't really about her, or even about the pictures he now has of her, per se; it's the fact of his having done so with such incredible casualness and the contrast between that and the insane historical resistance to taking pictures of you. Which would have cost him approximately zero time, approximately zero effort and literally zero money, but seems to have become a hill he's trying to make your relationship die on and for what? Fucknuckle.

But what I need is some acknowledgment that what he did to begin with was insensitive

...which, reality check, it totally was...

and it gets to me that he justifies taking all those pictures in this context. He should have known I'd be hurt.

Yes he should, unless he's utterly incredibly dim.

And my holding on to this demand for an apology is what angers him and makes him feel blamed.

Fuck that noise. He's being blamed for doing a thing because he's done the thing. So he can learn to suck that up and he can fuck off with the anger drama while he's at it.

On the other hand, if you've repeatedly asked for an apology and none has been forthcoming, why would you actually accept an apology he did eventually cave in and issue? You know perfectly well he'd only be making some words come out the front of his head that he thinks you want to hear; they won't mean anything because he's completely incapable of understanding what it was he did wrong because he is an UTTER DICKHEAD and oh he's making me cranky now.

You expressed your needs; he didn't change. He then did something that hurt you; rather than apologizing, he's being defensive.

This.

You are right. He is wrong. End of.

Not that knowing that actually helps you, unfortunately.

Some people are just hard work. Up to you whether you want to keep doing it. I wouldn't.
posted by flabdablet at 4:55 AM on October 16, 2017 [8 favorites]


By the way: if I were your partner and you kept asking me to photograph you, I would think that was kind of weird and yeah, it might sometimes strike me as somewhat of a chore and not something I'd really have thought of to do spontaneously, because I'm also not the kind of guy who spends any time looking at photos and I would also much rather actually look right at you.

But if you were my partner and I knew that taking photos of you was a thing I could do that pleased you then why the hell would I not do that? It makes no kind of sense whatsoever. As relationship maintenance work goes, taking photos is easy.

Ms flabdablet hates being photographed, bless her.
posted by flabdablet at 5:08 AM on October 16, 2017 [5 favorites]


The not taking pictures of you thing strikes me as selfish. His reasons for not taking a picture of you are all because he doesn’t benefit from it. But the thing is, in a solid relationship people do things for the other person that don’t benefit themselves all the time except that they want to do something nice for the other person because they think they’re awesome so why not do something nice for them. I mean, that’s the minimum really.

The thing about taking pics of his friend. Again selfish. Doesn’t really matter if he has feelings for her or not. He followed through on the same activity because he liked to and wanted to. Telling her stuff that was a private matter between the two of you? Selfish because he wanted the attention from her.

Don’t be fooled into thinking him offering to cut off ties with her is somehow not selfish. It’s also selfish. He’s just offering something to get himself some peace and also make you feel like the bad guy at the same time. So fucking selfish. This is why you don’t actually feel good about this offer. Because it doesn’t actually come from a place to try and make you feel valued and loved. It comes from a selfish place.
posted by like_neon at 5:10 AM on October 16, 2017 [8 favorites]


I’m sensing a general lack of clarity; as in the two of you could perhaps benefit from identifying your needs, expressing them to each other, and affirming that the other is understood. Staying with his ex for an extended period— Did you check in with yourself, honestly, before agreeing to that? The issue of wanting to be photographed— Did he seriously appreciate the importance of your request? Or, might it have bounced off his head without being absorbed?

So much about successful relationships comes down to communication. And both/all parties are accountable in it.

DTMFA if he can’t get past being defensive, though, when you’re speaking gently to him.
posted by little_dog_laughing at 5:58 AM on October 16, 2017 [1 favorite]


I feel like this data point may have been missed by some respondents:

Then, recently, we went off traveling for three months and he started to take pictures of me, making me very happy.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:00 AM on October 16, 2017 [2 favorites]


I mean, I'm not a picture person, either. But if the lady I loved told me this was a thing I could do that would make her feel loved, I'd be thrilled. I mean, it's easy, and clear, and it's a thing you can get good at, and by virtue of it being a thing I did that made her feel loved, I'd for sure develop an attachment to those pictures, too.

Of course it's not the dumb pictures. It's the fact that he doesn't respect you or your feelings, in several contexts. And I agree with others -- you're holding out for an apology that can't possibly mean much, at this point. It sounds more like you're really holding out for an acknowledgment that you're not crazy.

And needing to do that in a relationship is a really bad sign.
posted by schadenfrau at 6:15 AM on October 16, 2017


You told your partner I feel bad because you don't do this very simple thing. He refused to do this very simple thing and threw up a smokescreen of reasons. The reasons are BS. This behavior is sometimes referred to as gaslighting.

You go traveling and stay with his crush. He shares things you ask him not to share. I would describe that as betrayal. Also, sounds like he spent lots of time with her, and was generally disloyal. Staying too long with an old gf who he has unresolved feelings for - not a good idea.

I think there's more gong on with her than he is saying. I think he probably isn't very nice to you but bullies you and tells you he's wonderful and your feelings and perceptions are wrong. Take a long hard look. Is he really good to you? Does he make you, or let you, feel good about yourself? Are you better off with him or without him? I suspect the answers are No, No, and Without him. I hardly ever say DTMFA, but I think you deserve way better than this.
posted by theora55 at 6:15 AM on October 16, 2017 [2 favorites]


I feel like this data point may have been missed by some respondents:

Then, recently, we went off traveling for three months and he started to take pictures of me, making me very happy.


I noted that data point, evaluated it in the light of

I'm always around, we're not long distance, he doesn't need photographs

and concluded that the guy was most likely taking photos while traveling because taking photos is a thing people do while traveling because trips are worth remembering in a way that one's partner's face from earlier years is not. I'd be surprised if he was doing it primarily to please the OP.
posted by flabdablet at 6:56 AM on October 16, 2017 [3 favorites]


Nah, you aren't overreacting.

-He knows you're hurt that he doesn't take your picture
-He takes some pictures of you on this trip (which makes you happy)
-But also takes several pictures of his former crush alone. She is the only one who gets this treatment during the trip (treatment that you've explicitly asked for because it hurts you that you are not treated this way)
-When you express to him AGAIN that him doing the thing that you said hurts you has hurt you, he gets angry and defensive

Look, every single time I have had my feelings hurt or gotten upset and the other person minimized that by getting angry and defensive, I have later come to realize that actually, I was not overreacting or being stupid for having feelings hurt, and that their response (which unfailingly made me feel worse) was meant to make me feel worse about myself, to co-opt the blame to me, and absolutely designed to protect the person who had done the thing. Your boyfriend has minimized your desire to have pictures taken of you by saying he doesn't need them, but then took a ton of pictures of his ex-crush. So what does that mean, that he needs pictures of her but not you? He knew that would upset you--he knew how you would take that. He probably never meant for you to find the pictures. Now that you're actually upset, he's trying to gaslight you into thinking you shouldn't be upset.

I don't know what is going through his head but based just on what you've written I am not getting a sense of respect or caring. In some ways this seems like such a small thing, but the way he is acting...well, it's not a small thing.
posted by Polychrome at 7:23 AM on October 16, 2017 [7 favorites]


I personally wouldn’t read too much into the photograph thing without more information, because photos mean different things to different people and I’m not sure how direct your requests were and some people are dumb about certain things, but breaking your trust by telling his ex things ABOUT YOU that you specifically ASKED HIM NOT TO is HUGE. That would be an enormous betrayal to me, worse than being physically slapped.
posted by metasarah at 7:59 AM on October 16, 2017 [1 favorite]


Is he a photographer - like is it a hobby or a job? Because that would definitely make sense to me to be upset about - that he sees art all around, and in people's faces, but not with you.

he'd taken a bunch of pictures of her while we were there... her alone, at different times, smiling into the camera.
Let me guess - the pictures he took of you were more passive, less interactive, felt less...intimate?

as if he was trying to flatter her and make her feel beautiful
Pictures or no, he doesn't make you feel this way, does he? He has excuses about how you're always around and "of course" he thinks you're beautiful, but he doesn't flatter, right? He doesn't express it unless it feels like a chore?

And here we come to the oddest part of his behavior:
He's offered to delete the pictures, break off contact with her (though he would resent that), do whatever I need to feel better, he's not entirely cold. [...] He should have known I'd be hurt . And my holding on to this demand for an apology is what angers him and makes him feel blamed.
So he would delete pictures that matter to him, because it's an old friend who he hasn't seen - he would break off contact with her (blaming you for it, no doubt), he will do whatever you need to feel better? Except...he won't simply say "I did know it would hurt you to share what you said and I should have known the pictures would hurt you because of past discussions we've had. I'm sorry and I'll try not to hurt you in the future." This is the line that is too far? That doesn't actually make sense.

I can't say if you're being too insecure or he's being too aloof/cruel/not into you, but your communications about things - tiny things even - have hit an impasse and you both either have to figure out how to get back on the same team (have you actually felt on his team and him on yours?) or it's time to move on.
posted by I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today! at 9:49 AM on October 16, 2017 [4 favorites]


You expressed your needs; he didn't change.

Except he did - he took photos of OP.

He then did something that hurt you

No. He did something. OP felt hurt. Adults take responsibility for their own emotional states. See the immediate double standard:

rather than apologizing, he's being defensive.

What a bastard. How dare he not think coldly and rationally about this like OP is. Except he deleted the pics and offered to sever all contact.

Let's flip this around:

'I was on holiday with my SO. We stayed for a long time with a friend of mine. I used to carry a torch for her but she's got her own life now with a kid and I've been with my SO for two years. My SO used to complain that I didn't take pics of them so I made extra effort to do so on this trip. However, I also took pics of my friend. This upset my SO, so I deleted the pics and offered to sever all contact. SO just won't let it go, though, and is threatening to break up with me. What do?'

Now who's wrong?
posted by obiwanwasabi at 4:26 PM on October 16, 2017 [4 favorites]


People in relationships take photos of each other. If the person is shy and doesn't want to share them on Facebook/Instagram, they at least share them with friends/family privately. Considering he took photos of an old crush and not you is a deal breaker for me. It tells me he's not that into you and is biding his time for someone better. I hate people who do this to others.
posted by GiveUpNed at 1:24 PM on October 17, 2017


People in relationships take photos of each other.

There are zero -- zero -- rules for how all people in all relationships are. My spouse and I do not take photos of one another. We take photos of the dogs, and of the places we go together, but not one another.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:52 AM on October 18, 2017 [5 favorites]


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