Job searching with no confidence
October 13, 2017 4:18 PM Subscribe
My current job is ending in December and I should be job searching but I'm paralyzed by fear and a lack of confidence. I endured a year-long, painful job search to find my current job and I'm dreading going through that again. I'm also not sure what kind of work to apply for, as I HATE the role I have the most experience in (admin) and also don't feel like it's possible for any employer to want to hire me or to see my value. Another barrier is that I can no longer tolerate office politics, sexism, and hierarchy bs.
I am a fat woman and have faced quite a bit of size and gender discrimination in my 20+ years of working. I just can't really deal with it anymore. I don't do myself any favours, either, as I am shy, soft spoken, and lack confidence. I do dress well and am well-groomed, but, you know, still fat. I find that these things about me (fat, female, admin, shy) can invite nasty treatment. It also means I have to work really hard to convince people that I'm not lazy or stupid.
I only have a B.A. in the humanities. Most of my experience is in admin work, but that usually included a lot of visual design duties, writing, research, web content management, html/css, and light computer fixing/tinkering. I am pretty good at a lot of things, but not an expert at much. I think that's called being a generalist? I don't even know what job avenues are open to me. I absolutely cannot afford education right now. I *love* working hard, especially on projects (rather than tasks). My idea job would have flexible hours, be egalitarian, and be with friendly people.
I have a background of severe abuse and mental health crises, so I'm very anxious and not as resilient as others. For example, if a superior at work is regularly condescending to me I deal with it politely, but it does take a toll on me mentally.
I'd like to hear your strategies for appearing confident, when you are definitely not confident on the inside (especially if you are fat, female, trans, a POC, or different in any way that marks you as "lesser" in Western society). I'd also appreciate any career advice. Therapy is great, but I can't afford it. I'm also not going to lose weight, so I'd appreciate it if people didn't suggest those things.
I am a fat woman and have faced quite a bit of size and gender discrimination in my 20+ years of working. I just can't really deal with it anymore. I don't do myself any favours, either, as I am shy, soft spoken, and lack confidence. I do dress well and am well-groomed, but, you know, still fat. I find that these things about me (fat, female, admin, shy) can invite nasty treatment. It also means I have to work really hard to convince people that I'm not lazy or stupid.
I only have a B.A. in the humanities. Most of my experience is in admin work, but that usually included a lot of visual design duties, writing, research, web content management, html/css, and light computer fixing/tinkering. I am pretty good at a lot of things, but not an expert at much. I think that's called being a generalist? I don't even know what job avenues are open to me. I absolutely cannot afford education right now. I *love* working hard, especially on projects (rather than tasks). My idea job would have flexible hours, be egalitarian, and be with friendly people.
I have a background of severe abuse and mental health crises, so I'm very anxious and not as resilient as others. For example, if a superior at work is regularly condescending to me I deal with it politely, but it does take a toll on me mentally.
I'd like to hear your strategies for appearing confident, when you are definitely not confident on the inside (especially if you are fat, female, trans, a POC, or different in any way that marks you as "lesser" in Western society). I'd also appreciate any career advice. Therapy is great, but I can't afford it. I'm also not going to lose weight, so I'd appreciate it if people didn't suggest those things.
I understand that you can't afford therapy right now, but are you taking any medication? It sounds as if you are battling anxiety and/or depression and it's making a strong move to interfere with your job search, so it really needs to be addressed. It's damn hard to appear confident when your own "self" is yelling about your worthlessness in your inner ear. (It's a lie, of course, but so insidious...)
Also, on a far more superficial note, when was the last time you updated your hair/makeup/work wardrobe? There is no magic trick for making people take you seriously when you're in the "wrong kind of body," unfortunately, but a sleek and fashion-conscious look helps, and if the last time you redid everything was several years ago, your look may still be entirely appropriate and professional but not project the same degree of affluence. Which, stupidly, people respond to.
You may also have posture issues that affect what kind of energy you project. Could you afford to go see an RMT or an Alexander technique practitioner or really any sort of non-woo bodywork person to work on standing straighter? It's all so silly, but the difference in "authority" between a person all folded in on themselves and someone standing straight, shoulders back, chin neutral can be remarkable.
Finally--and I swear on my mother's eyes this is not code for "lose weight"--do you exercise right now? The great thing about sustaining an exercise routine is that it helps you feel more strong and confident in your body. Weightlifting in particular can be great for this.
posted by praemunire at 5:01 PM on October 13, 2017
Also, on a far more superficial note, when was the last time you updated your hair/makeup/work wardrobe? There is no magic trick for making people take you seriously when you're in the "wrong kind of body," unfortunately, but a sleek and fashion-conscious look helps, and if the last time you redid everything was several years ago, your look may still be entirely appropriate and professional but not project the same degree of affluence. Which, stupidly, people respond to.
You may also have posture issues that affect what kind of energy you project. Could you afford to go see an RMT or an Alexander technique practitioner or really any sort of non-woo bodywork person to work on standing straighter? It's all so silly, but the difference in "authority" between a person all folded in on themselves and someone standing straight, shoulders back, chin neutral can be remarkable.
Finally--and I swear on my mother's eyes this is not code for "lose weight"--do you exercise right now? The great thing about sustaining an exercise routine is that it helps you feel more strong and confident in your body. Weightlifting in particular can be great for this.
posted by praemunire at 5:01 PM on October 13, 2017
It helped me to watch The Good Wife and see all the different women characters with such different personalities who were all great at their jobs, and even though there were office machinations, they all had ways of coping with it and thriving. It's on Amazon prime video.
posted by Former Congressional Representative Lenny Lemming at 5:18 PM on October 13, 2017
posted by Former Congressional Representative Lenny Lemming at 5:18 PM on October 13, 2017
Call staffing agencies, just as a backup. December is still a couple months away, you'll look on-the-ball to the staffers, and if worse comes to worst, you'll be able to get hours through them and have the option of working at different kinds of companies. Some agencies are better at teasing out what you really should be doing with your skills, but if you got the same job you have now but in a better environment, would that be acceptible?
Another strategy that may just be working for me right now is to think of it as "talking yourself into the job." If you went for jobs like the one you have now, you know how to do it, there's always a learning curve but the basic outline is going to be very similar, so you can speak with authority (practice thinking of yourself as right and correct!) about the responsibilities, pitfalls, and all the other miscellanea. "Do you do [optional thing not mentioned in the job ad] here?" Stuff like that. It can also help to think of your interviewer as a job-robot expecting satisfactory input.
posted by rhizome at 6:22 PM on October 13, 2017
Another strategy that may just be working for me right now is to think of it as "talking yourself into the job." If you went for jobs like the one you have now, you know how to do it, there's always a learning curve but the basic outline is going to be very similar, so you can speak with authority (practice thinking of yourself as right and correct!) about the responsibilities, pitfalls, and all the other miscellanea. "Do you do [optional thing not mentioned in the job ad] here?" Stuff like that. It can also help to think of your interviewer as a job-robot expecting satisfactory input.
posted by rhizome at 6:22 PM on October 13, 2017
Love yourself. Seriously, love yourself and get as many other people in your life as possible to support you right now. I wish I could convey how normal these fears are - it's totally ok to ask for support from loved ones, friends, therapists, etcetera.
Don't say you're not resilient. You're VERY resilient. Marx pointed out wage slavery is alienating for a reason. Being sensitive to power dynamics and easily hurt is not a lack of resilience, it is a greater awareness and sensitivity to the real values that make life worth living. Honor your feelings. Your crappy feelings are part of a larger and more general experience.
You are allowed to draw a boundary for yourself right here, right now - you don't have to do any job that makes you unhappy.
Do remember that you are currently one of the most technologically advanced, educated people who as ever lived. I'm bowled over - I consider myself highly educated and can not do any of the technology things you listed.
Are you in therapy that is addressing this? Support and someone to talk to frankly are very vital during times of transition like this.
posted by karmachameleon at 10:06 PM on October 13, 2017 [2 favorites]
Don't say you're not resilient. You're VERY resilient. Marx pointed out wage slavery is alienating for a reason. Being sensitive to power dynamics and easily hurt is not a lack of resilience, it is a greater awareness and sensitivity to the real values that make life worth living. Honor your feelings. Your crappy feelings are part of a larger and more general experience.
You are allowed to draw a boundary for yourself right here, right now - you don't have to do any job that makes you unhappy.
Do remember that you are currently one of the most technologically advanced, educated people who as ever lived. I'm bowled over - I consider myself highly educated and can not do any of the technology things you listed.
Are you in therapy that is addressing this? Support and someone to talk to frankly are very vital during times of transition like this.
posted by karmachameleon at 10:06 PM on October 13, 2017 [2 favorites]
I really empathize with your description. I've experienced many of the same types of things myself -- trauma, ug, mental crises, ug, not resilient, ug, people's jerk behaviors affecting me more than the people around me, ug.
I don't have any advice to offer that hasn't already been offered, but I'll add my voice to the chorus saying projecting (relative) confidence is valuable. Sometimes you/I/one can’t make all the holistic, long lasting changes we'd like as quickly as we'd like to. Surprising how well a fake-it-while-you're-working-on-it strategy can work, even at the cost of feeding into imposter syndrome a bit. BTW, being generalists like us really doesn't help with imposter syndrome.
The other thought I had reading your question was that it can be really hard to accurately gauge how other people are perceiving you when you are in a crummy place, emotionally. In my case, from dealing with depression I learned that happening inside isn’t always what’s apparent outside, and vice-versa. It's a constant effort to remember this, particularly when my perceptions are most skewed. When I lose sight of it (like, weekly at least), I look back at times when I was more depressed and then less. From subsequent evidence, I know that I was perceiving people as feeling more negatively about me than they were, and people didn’t realize how depressed, uncertain and anxious I was. So I remind myself to tell the people who are supportive friends, and that things probably don't look that bad to people at work and other random folks.
So get out there, make some employer lucky. It sounds like if someone can put you in the right slot (projects, minimal admin), they'll really gain from it. Knowing what you are good at is something I've really only known mature people to be able to assess, and it's a real strength in an employee.
posted by manduca at 11:45 PM on October 13, 2017
I don't have any advice to offer that hasn't already been offered, but I'll add my voice to the chorus saying projecting (relative) confidence is valuable. Sometimes you/I/one can’t make all the holistic, long lasting changes we'd like as quickly as we'd like to. Surprising how well a fake-it-while-you're-working-on-it strategy can work, even at the cost of feeding into imposter syndrome a bit. BTW, being generalists like us really doesn't help with imposter syndrome.
The other thought I had reading your question was that it can be really hard to accurately gauge how other people are perceiving you when you are in a crummy place, emotionally. In my case, from dealing with depression I learned that happening inside isn’t always what’s apparent outside, and vice-versa. It's a constant effort to remember this, particularly when my perceptions are most skewed. When I lose sight of it (like, weekly at least), I look back at times when I was more depressed and then less. From subsequent evidence, I know that I was perceiving people as feeling more negatively about me than they were, and people didn’t realize how depressed, uncertain and anxious I was. So I remind myself to tell the people who are supportive friends, and that things probably don't look that bad to people at work and other random folks.
So get out there, make some employer lucky. It sounds like if someone can put you in the right slot (projects, minimal admin), they'll really gain from it. Knowing what you are good at is something I've really only known mature people to be able to assess, and it's a real strength in an employee.
posted by manduca at 11:45 PM on October 13, 2017
Your description of your skills and abilities makes me wish I could hire you for my team. You might find a good fit at a nonprofit where being able to do a lot of different things makes you especially valuable. If you start by looking at companies or agencies where you feel even somewhat aligned with the mission, you will probably be able to work up some enthusiasm at the prospect of working there. It's been my experience that nonprofits can be a lot more inclusive and accepting of people from different backgrounds.
You say you "only have a B.A. in the humanities" but that's something you should treat as an asset, not a liability. And if you said in a job interview that you really enjoy working hard on projects, my little heart would sing. People who want to dive in and produce are hard to find. You're a hidden gem and you don't see that. But you are. You also write very well and that is a valuable talent.
Finally there's a woman on my team who was hired in her mid-late 40's who is quite overweight and didn't come to us with the perfect skill set but we liked what we saw in her work ethic, enthusiasm for the role and willingness to jump in and try. Shut off that voice in your head that tells you you're less than worthy. Resolve that your inner voice is only going to speak to you the way you'd speak to a little girl or a treasured friend. No tearing down! Only building up. You have a lot to offer and it's time to allow yourself to believe it.
posted by Kangaroo at 5:32 AM on October 14, 2017 [3 favorites]
You say you "only have a B.A. in the humanities" but that's something you should treat as an asset, not a liability. And if you said in a job interview that you really enjoy working hard on projects, my little heart would sing. People who want to dive in and produce are hard to find. You're a hidden gem and you don't see that. But you are. You also write very well and that is a valuable talent.
Finally there's a woman on my team who was hired in her mid-late 40's who is quite overweight and didn't come to us with the perfect skill set but we liked what we saw in her work ethic, enthusiasm for the role and willingness to jump in and try. Shut off that voice in your head that tells you you're less than worthy. Resolve that your inner voice is only going to speak to you the way you'd speak to a little girl or a treasured friend. No tearing down! Only building up. You have a lot to offer and it's time to allow yourself to believe it.
posted by Kangaroo at 5:32 AM on October 14, 2017 [3 favorites]
A practical thing that helped me a lot when I was job-hunting at a low confidence point was to have friends and family forward me postings for jobs they thought I'd be qualified for, and to just commit myself to writing the best applications I could for the things they forwarded.
I knew my "hey, I could do this!" sense was broken, but I wanted to target my efforts and not apply for things that I genuinely didn't have a good shot at. Having someone else be my filter really helped.
For what it's worth, too, I'm visibly trans and this was shortly after I transitioned. I'm sure there were jobs I could have gotten under my old name that I didn't get considered for this time. But again, having other people who I trusted be my filter meant that I wasn't having to calibrate, like, "Okay, how much lower do I aim my sights?" and deal with the emotional fallout of dwelling on that. I could make it my business to stay as positive as I could, and let other people think about what level they could picture me getting hired at.
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:54 AM on October 14, 2017
I knew my "hey, I could do this!" sense was broken, but I wanted to target my efforts and not apply for things that I genuinely didn't have a good shot at. Having someone else be my filter really helped.
For what it's worth, too, I'm visibly trans and this was shortly after I transitioned. I'm sure there were jobs I could have gotten under my old name that I didn't get considered for this time. But again, having other people who I trusted be my filter meant that I wasn't having to calibrate, like, "Okay, how much lower do I aim my sights?" and deal with the emotional fallout of dwelling on that. I could make it my business to stay as positive as I could, and let other people think about what level they could picture me getting hired at.
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:54 AM on October 14, 2017
Put me down as wishing I had a spot for you on my team. My background is actually really similar to yours. I had a B.A. from a very liberal college, started working with databases of all things, and ended up in HR. College degrees don't define where you're going; they just speak to what you're interested in when you attended college.
For confidence issues, I would really recommend looking up "imposter syndrome". The basic idea is that as we progress in life, we get the idea that we're just fooling everyone, and someday someone's going to stand up and point at us and say, "They're just faking it! They don't have any idea what they're doing!" and everyone's going to laugh and take away our Grown-Up card and we're going to have to live with our parents and be grounded for the rest of our lives.
There's obviously a lot more to it than that, and it's a really common feeling. Person A gets promoted, and looks around, and Person B is doing their job amazingly. It looks so smooth and easy and perfect. Person A is struggling just to understand the lingo and they're sweating every day! How does Person B do it? Person A is so close to quitting two months in and they feel like they faked their way into their job. Until Person B takes them aside and says, you're doing great. You're doing way better than I did when I first got here.
Now imagine that conversation never happened and Person A just thought everyone around them had the secrets to everything. That's a little of what imposter syndrome can feel like. (I bet google had some better examples, but I'll leave this here anyway.)
Also, I would really recommend reading the blog askamanager.com . I have no affiliation whatsoever, but I am a loyal reader. She answers a lot of questions every day, and they can range from the mundane to the really weird, but some of them deal with the issues you mention. Her site is searchable, and she does have a few free publications you might be interested in. I would search for cover letters as well to read what she says about how to write those; I followed her advice and when I applied to my current job, the hiring manager said it was the best cover letter she'd seen in ten years of hiring. Her guide to interviewing is also amazing - costs money, but a lot of the content can also be found for free in her site, you just have to dig a bit.
Besides non-profits, one of the best spots for egalitarian type positions might be a university or state run organization. Good luck and I hope this helps!
posted by knitcrazybooknut at 9:29 PM on October 14, 2017
For confidence issues, I would really recommend looking up "imposter syndrome". The basic idea is that as we progress in life, we get the idea that we're just fooling everyone, and someday someone's going to stand up and point at us and say, "They're just faking it! They don't have any idea what they're doing!" and everyone's going to laugh and take away our Grown-Up card and we're going to have to live with our parents and be grounded for the rest of our lives.
There's obviously a lot more to it than that, and it's a really common feeling. Person A gets promoted, and looks around, and Person B is doing their job amazingly. It looks so smooth and easy and perfect. Person A is struggling just to understand the lingo and they're sweating every day! How does Person B do it? Person A is so close to quitting two months in and they feel like they faked their way into their job. Until Person B takes them aside and says, you're doing great. You're doing way better than I did when I first got here.
Now imagine that conversation never happened and Person A just thought everyone around them had the secrets to everything. That's a little of what imposter syndrome can feel like. (I bet google had some better examples, but I'll leave this here anyway.)
Also, I would really recommend reading the blog askamanager.com . I have no affiliation whatsoever, but I am a loyal reader. She answers a lot of questions every day, and they can range from the mundane to the really weird, but some of them deal with the issues you mention. Her site is searchable, and she does have a few free publications you might be interested in. I would search for cover letters as well to read what she says about how to write those; I followed her advice and when I applied to my current job, the hiring manager said it was the best cover letter she'd seen in ten years of hiring. Her guide to interviewing is also amazing - costs money, but a lot of the content can also be found for free in her site, you just have to dig a bit.
Besides non-profits, one of the best spots for egalitarian type positions might be a university or state run organization. Good luck and I hope this helps!
posted by knitcrazybooknut at 9:29 PM on October 14, 2017
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Think about what your dream job would be, and reconsider your experiences as leading up to that. Figure out what any crucial gaps are, and take measures to fill them - even if that's, "I'll need X certification, and I can't afford it, but I've found three websites that offer classes and I'm looking at how they can fit into a working schedule." Doesn't matter if you can't afford to do those steps; know what they are and what it'd take to do them - and if you got an interview for your dream job, you could say, "I know I don't have X thing, but here's my plan for making it happen."
Anyone who is honest and competent, which is defined as "not prone to fucking things up," is of incredible value to pretty much any company. Stop telling yourself you're not worth hiring. If you're capable of looking at a set of tasks and noting, "it will take me about X long to do most of this, and these three things, I cannot do at all and will need to get help or find someone else to do," you are VERY USEFUL. I cannot count the number of coworkers I've had who can't do that.
I am a fat, middle-aged woman in an industry that likes to hire recent college grads and almost nothing else. Part of my confidence is just years of experiene, that you may not have, but part is deciding that I am valuable, and knowing that comes across. I go into interviews thinking, "this seems like a good job, but do I really want to work here?" I'm there to find out if it's a good fit for me, not if they're willing to take me.
Get at least one interview-able outfit that makes you feel happy and confident. I recommend eshakti if you can afford them (if you "kinda maybe" can afford them, it's worth the push); their sizing is accurate to the charts they give, and all their dresses are made not just to size, but to your height, so you don't have to worry about a knee-length dress being lower-calf length because you got it in size 2x. (I'm size 20 on eshakti's charts. I now own 6 dresses and a jumpsuit, and I am ecstatic with all of them. Total strangers compliment me on this dress, which I have in burgundy but they're out of right now.) Check their overstock listings if the standard prices are too high.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 4:57 PM on October 13, 2017 [3 favorites]