I need a poker face by Monday morning.
October 13, 2017 1:19 PM   Subscribe

I need to attend and participate in a meeting at work on Monday morning with my boss’ boss. I’m going to need help in giving off a neutral demeanor (positive may be a bit much to ask).

I work in a team of five other people, plus our boss. My boss’s boss has called a team meeting for Monday morning where she will be rolling out some new expectations and procedures for our team. I have negative opinions about a lot of these changes, but it’s not going to change anything if I express these concerns at this meeting. These changes are going to happen. (For the record, everyone else on my team, including our boss, shares my concerns except for our newest team member who is the son of our boss’s boss, but that’s another issue in itself).
I do not want to give off a negative vibe during this meeting. Things will not go well if I do. At the minimum, I need to appear neutral. My concern is that I DO NOT have a poker face. My feelings show up on my face. I need to NOT have this happen at this meeting, but I also need to look attentive and participate. There will only be 8 people at this meeting so I can’t hide. Not attending is not an option.
Any tips for me on how to prepare/get through this 60 minute meeting (beyond not sitting with my arms folded while staring or frowning) without having my face and body language say what I’m probably going to be thinking?
posted by bookmammal to Work & Money (24 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
 
I'm no expert in this kind of thing, but my instinct would be to force yourself this weekend to write out at least one or two good points (positive-sounding things to share) about each of the changes and practice saying them until they come out as naturally as possible. You'll know in your heart that the changes are bad, but if you can sidestep by saying "yes and it should raise our [corporate jargon] metric by X%!", that'll do. Sounding practiced is better than sounding negative!
posted by Grimp0teuthis at 1:30 PM on October 13, 2017 [3 favorites]


Try some mindfulness education with the headspace app. It's great training for removing yourself from any particular situation. If you can sit a bit outside yourself you can do a better job controlling yourself.

Going further than that, your job is to do your best to implement your boss's policy as well as you possibly can.

Let's say that the new policy is that all employees must spend at least 2 hours a day with their hands in a bucket full of fish. You can ask reasonable questions:

1. Is it two consecutive hours that our hands need to be in the bucket, or can e break it up?
2. Should we be grabbing the fish, or just letting our hands dangle idly?

etc.

Try to figure out how you can ask insightful questions without challenging the premise. Mostly though, just be quiet and neutral.

If everyone's unhappy with these policies it will probably show on other people as well, so you probably won't stick out as much as you think.
posted by sp160n at 1:32 PM on October 13, 2017 [2 favorites]


Take notes. If you need to, just write down verbatim what's being said, but try not to stray into angry doodles because people can tell the difference between writing and doodling even if they can't see the page.

By taking notes you'll look really attentive without needing to make much eye contact. Your hands will be occupied so you won't retreat to a defensive arms-crossed position. By referring to your notes you'll give yourself some time to formulate relevant comments while being slightly detached from your anger. And if you take good notes you might even be able to have more articulated thoughts about it all afterwards.
posted by Mizu at 1:35 PM on October 13, 2017 [31 favorites]


Best answer: I was literally in a meeting just like this on Friday, where I knew some stuff I didn't agree with was going to be said, but my expressing that in any way would only do more harm than good.

I took some time before the meeting to give myself a little talking to.
Think about a baby crying because its diaper is wet. Baby is crying because she knows the condition needs to be fixed, she can't fix it herself, and crying is the way to alert another human to come fix it please.
This is the same reason your brain wants to screw your face up and alert the others to come help you fix this condition that needs fixing.
Thing about this situation is that it doesn't need to be fixed. It doesn't matter. Your good good worker brain thinks it matters, but in reality it doesn't. There is nothing to alert the other humans about. All you have to do is sit there.
This is the talking to that I gave myself, and it worked out pretty good. During the meeting I just thought about how any of this mattering is an illusion, and it helped me keep a good demeanor. If you keep telling yourself that this doesn't matter and doesn't need to be fixed, and you really believe it in your heart, your brain won't tell your face to do anything.

Also, if you ever watched the show "Rugrats", there's one episode where one of the characters needs to be be brave and he tells himself "i'm a big brave dog I'm a big brave dog". I also repeated this to myself on the way to the meeting.

I hope that this helps!
posted by bleep at 1:43 PM on October 13, 2017 [10 favorites]


Best answer: I'm exactly like this. Much to my dismay, my feelings usually show up loud and clear on my face for anyone to read. That obviously doesn't work in situations like this (which I've been in as well). What works for me:

If I find something questionable or, worse, outright objectionable, I tend to frown without realizing I'm doing it. It's not an "I hate you" frown, more of a "hmm, I'm concentrating on this idea because I think there are problems with it." But the reason behind the frown doesn't matter--it just isn't a great impression to make. So...I deliberately try to smile ever so slightly (slightly--I don't want to look like a grinning fool!), raise my eyebrows back up from scrunch position, and open up my face. I have to keep reminding myself to do it, but at least it gives me something else to think about.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 1:56 PM on October 13, 2017


Get a manicure- fancy if that suits your gender presentation, invisible if that's more your style (nails buffed and shaped and trimmed but not colourful- it will be noticeable to you but not to others). Keep your hands clasped on the table. Every time you look at your perfect nails, re-compose yourself. I got through an infuriating legal proceeding with this tip and afterwards my attitude was praised.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 1:58 PM on October 13, 2017 [21 favorites]


Yes, it's hard to keep your face still and neutral, but it might be easier to mask annoyance as enthusiasm. Usually I "take notes" while smiling and nodding. I've tried before to achieve total stillness and think about a ball bouncing endlessly in an empty room, but I can never manage that one for long because somebody's horrible meetingtalk tic or inability to pronounce some stupid jargon word that is in the name of the initiative the team is meeting about--or the actual topic of the meeting being deeply insulting--will incite rage that will make me grimace. So I nod and smile and write the rudest things imaginable in my work meeting notebook. If anyone ever reads that thing, I will go to jail.
posted by Don Pepino at 1:58 PM on October 13, 2017 [8 favorites]


Best answer: I work on raising my eyebrows slightly which can change a somewhat negative and dour expression to one that looks a little inquisitive and awake. Takes notes, keep the eyebrows up, count the minutes.
posted by jessamyn at 2:08 PM on October 13, 2017 [2 favorites]


Best answer: At times I've thought about it like being an actor about to go out onstage. Before the meeting, go to a bathroom or other private place and do your warm-up. My routine goes something like this:

1. Loosen up your body. Jump up and down several times, shake out your limbs, massage out the tension in your jaw, smile widely at yourself in the mirror, make silly mouth-fart noises, etc.
2. Remind yourself that you are a champ and high-five yourself for doing this difficult grown-up thing.
3. You may also find it helpful to remind yourself of the things in the world that are beautiful and big and way more important than this piddling meeting -- people who have loved you, amazing experiences you've had, awesome night skies you've stood beneath -- close your eyes and really remember what those things feel like.
4. Right before the meeting, settle yourself in a physical posture that feels powerful and centered to you -- shoulders back, head up. Then do a brief centering meditation -- just three mindful breaths in and out can be enough.

I find this kind of routine helps me relax and reduce my base misery level -- it's a million times better than going into the meeting with shoulders up to my ears, already developing a headache, thinking obsessively about how much it's going to suck. If you notice yourself locking up again during the meeting, you can do a mini version of your warm-up right there and then -- loosen up your body, mentally give yourself a high-five for showing up, remind yourself of the bigger picture, take a breath to center yourself again -- and it will help you get back to neutral/positive.

A couple of other things that can help:
- Set up something nice for yourself after the meeting. Go out for a nice lunch, take the afternoon off, make yourself a special cup of tea -- any little thing can help provide something to look forward to.
- Wear or carry a talisman -- sounds cheesy but it can totally help. Do you have a good luck charm? A piece of jewelry that someone you care about gave to you? One of those little blue evil eye beads? A special pen? Wear it or carry it or put it in your pocket. An item you can fiddle with unobtrusively is best.
posted by ourobouros at 2:33 PM on October 13, 2017 [2 favorites]


Best answer: If you already know what's going to be said, and already know that your input won't be necessary, then a look of receptive interest is in your best interest. Spend some time this weekend memorizing an interesting poem or passage from a book you love while gazing interestedly at a potted plant or other inanimate object. When in the meeting, recite your poem or passage in your head repeatedly while mentally replacing the speaker with the aforementioned potted plant or other inanimate object. You will look engaged, and your facial expression will change slightly while you're mentally reciting lines, so you won't come across as disinterested.
posted by erst at 2:33 PM on October 13, 2017 [2 favorites]


Take notes, but only when you feel your face reacting, so you can look down and hide any involuntary signals. Every time your spinal cord buzzes, look down and write down what is being said. This does double duty in giving you a list of the stuff you don't like, to help you navigate as the changes wear on.
posted by rhizome at 2:39 PM on October 13, 2017 [1 favorite]


Best answer: I also have this problem and I have found it much easier to train myself to make an expression than to not make one. If I feel eye rolling coming on, I actively put on my Pleasant Smile Face and that keeps all the less appropriate faces off there.

Also I try and keep looking towards the eyeroll-inspiring person when they are speaking, because there's nothing worse than catching the eye of a fellow eyeroller and making inappropriate facial expressions together.
posted by quacks like a duck at 2:41 PM on October 13, 2017 [2 favorites]


I think all of the advice up above is just fantastic.

To be totally honest, I spend a fair amount of time in miserable meetings, er, remembering great sex I've had and/or imagining future great sex I might have.

#blush

Also, though, I try to remember that sometimes the unwelcome can lead to the unexpected in good ways. I've found it helpful to get into a state of acceptance before the meeting: to have switched from "critique" or "criticism" mode to "possible solutions to inevitable issues that will arise" and "best-case-scenario benefits" mode. That way, when I mentally check back in to that meeting, I can offer contributions that feel to me at least like they are positive and productive insofar as they are future-success oriented.
posted by pinkacademic at 4:05 PM on October 13, 2017


Best answer: You're giving this upcoming meeting a lot of space in your brain, and that gives it a lot of power over you.

I absolutely understand that preparing is important, but you also need to put it in its place, so to speak. Move your job in general and this meeting in particular farther from the center of your universe.

Spend this weekend focusing on all the other parts of your life that are going well and you have control over. What in your life is satisfying and fulfilling? Dwell on that. Do that. However many hours you're going to be in the meeting, make sure you put 10x as many hours into your Good Things in the coming weeks.

Rather than digging in so much, try to detach and keep reminding yourself that this isn't a huge part of your life and the decisions being announced--even if they will impact your workload and working conditions--aren't your responsibility.

If stepping back from work is something you have a hard time doing in general, put a little extra effort into detaching, just for the one day, or half-day. Test out a different mindset and see how it impacts your outlook. Heck, it might even work to "quit" your job in your head, go to the meeting as if you're just finding out what your successor will have to deal with, and after a day or two "rehire" yourself and come to the work with a new perspective.
posted by itesser at 4:34 PM on October 13, 2017 [2 favorites]


When I've been in meetings like this, I take excruciatingly detailed meeting notes. Everything everybody says, with attributions. Sketches of the powerpoint slides. Marginal notes about other activity in the room. Timestamps. Corrections and edits of previously-taken notes.

This helps keep focus on the content of the meeting because there's a level of granularity you can reach at which even the slowest, dullest meeting is throwing information at you like a firehose and your activity will leave you no mental space to dwell on feelings about the contents, or about the people involved.

You'll probably never need or use those notes again. It's also possible, depending on your organization, that you'll be asked to post those notes to the project wiki for the whole team to ignore. Either way you'll still have retained the substance of that meeting better than your colleagues, which is handy if your next lunchbreak with your peers turns into a gripe session about what went down.
posted by at by at 5:17 PM on October 13, 2017 [3 favorites]


Talk about your specific thoughts and feelings about each of these things being rolled out, in great detail, then repeat. If you can hash it out with individual coworkers (again?), do so. However many friends and family members you can ask to listen, spell it all out to each one of them individually. Tell it to yourself in the mirror as you get ready, and in the car driving, and whenever else. After repeating it enough times, the strong negative feelings start to fade and you just become sort of bored with the idea.
posted by Former Congressional Representative Lenny Lemming at 5:34 PM on October 13, 2017


With any luck, someone else in the meeting will be more antagonistic than you, which will give you cover.
posted by SemiSalt at 5:53 PM on October 13, 2017


Daydream about pleasant things. It sounds like you already know what's going to be discussed, so most of your brain can be elsewhere.
posted by metasarah at 7:07 PM on October 13, 2017


Damn, I have no poker face either, so I feel you. My strategies are:

1. Imagine I am looking at a good-looking celebrity or fictional character instead of the current rage-inducer. Tom Brady is telling me something very important and I need to pay close and positive attention.
2. Take notes that are mostly acronyms for rude phrases or mantras reminding me not to behave badly so that I, unlike Don Pepino, am never going to jail. For instance, "DTASSTGJIAL" might mean "Don't tell a sitting Senator to go jump in a lake." The mantras are mostly inoffensive snippets of song lyrics that mean "Shut up" in my personal vocabulary.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 7:08 PM on October 13, 2017


Response by poster: Thanks to everyone who answered—it actually made me feel so much better just to know that I’m not the only one who has this challenge.
The ones I marked as best answers are the ones that I can see myself using effectively in this specific situation, but I sincerely appreciate each one.
I love this place!
posted by bookmammal at 10:35 AM on October 14, 2017 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: Updating this to say that the meeting was actually worse than I imagined—afterwords I left the building at lunch and cried in my car—but thanks to answers here I was able to keep it together quite well during the meeting itself. My sincere thanks to everyone who offered suggestions.
posted by bookmammal at 9:06 PM on October 25, 2017 [2 favorites]


Oh dear. I'm sorry it was so awful! But I'm glad the suggestions here helped you even a bit.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 12:50 AM on October 26, 2017 [1 favorite]


Awww. Crying in your car as a coping strategy for terrible things with terrible people is not actually that bad. I am sorry this happened to you, but good on you for keeping it together.
posted by jessamyn at 8:07 AM on October 26, 2017 [1 favorite]


I'm so glad you kept your game face on and that you had a place of refuge to retreat to after the dreadfulness. I hope work gets less foul soon.
posted by Don Pepino at 10:18 AM on October 26, 2017 [1 favorite]


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