How to dump a FWB

October 3, 2017 8:58 PM

I'm a woman who has recently acquired a male FWB. I've enjoyed the sex and, at first, the conversation. As I've gotten to know him better, I realize that our general sensibilities clash so much that I've lost interest. The only trouble is that I don't know how to break things off when the relationship merits more than ghosting but less than a long, tearful conversation.

As I said, I've felt happy with the sex I've had with him, but even that part has been problematic. Because of scheduling/time management issues on his part, there hasn't even been a lot of sex. So a lot of our interactions have just been via text or email, and I keep finding places where our sensibilities wildly diverge. Just to give some examples of what I mean, he doesn't do well with witty banter (whereas witty banter is one of my life's great delights), he seems to have some ideas about women needing rescuing, and in an email yesterday he passed off some wisdom that he'd gotten from a bumper sticker. I don't want to split hairs about those things; I just wanted to give some examples of the things that are adding up to one big turn-off. Between those things and the irregularity of our sex--plus a very strong gut feeling that this is about to get unpleasant--I would like to end this.

So how do I do that? In the past I've gotten burned by spelling things out for people (though I usually just do that when they keep asking). It usually backfires because then they have something to argue with, should they want to. And no amount of arguing or discussion will make us compatible. I want to be polite and decent while minimizing the opportunity for him to think this is a negotiation. I don't feel it would be productive to say we have different sensibilities or complain about his scheduling. And I realize I don't have to give a reason, but I'd like to say more than "This is over. Take care." What's a good middle ground here?

posted by mermaidcafe to Human Relations (18 answers total)

This situation is what ghosting was invented for. In my opinion, you’re not obliged to engage more than that. He’ll get the hint.
posted by ejs at 9:13 PM on October 3, 2017 [7 favorites]

Because of scheduling/time management issues on his part, there hasn't even been a lot of sex.

I have never been in this situation but given the above plus your gut feeling that the situation of a FWB just isn't going to go where you want it to go... I think ghosting is totally okay. Stop texting. Stop emailing. Find someone else to be involved with. Be busy with other things. If for some reason he presses you, you can say, "Yeah, I guess I'm not feeling it anymore. We should see other people." And then let him go. I can see how you'd love to get closure but given the things about his character you mentioned are unlikely to change, I don't think you get anywhere by bringing them up. It's no crime to be unwitty, sexist and boring. But you don't have to use your time on such a person and he's better off with someone who likes him for who he is. Just move on. No big confrontation or truth telling is necessary or warranted.
posted by amanda at 9:20 PM on October 3, 2017 [3 favorites]

Ordinarily I'd say a text along the lines of "Bob, you're lovely but this doesn't feel right to me so let's call it off. Wishing you all good things" is in order. But you say you have a gut feeling that this is going to get unpleasant? If your gut just wants to ghost, that's ok too. It's fine.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:32 PM on October 3, 2017 [14 favorites]

Are you okay with fibbing? Because you could always say you've started seeing someone else and want to see where things go with that.
posted by roger ackroyd at 10:02 PM on October 3, 2017 [10 favorites]

When I was in a similar situation, I just said something in the neighborhood of, "Hey, things have changed for me, and this just won't work for me right now, but it was really fun, thanks so much!" They don't need to know that what changed is that you don't want to have sex again.

The response I got from that guy was sort of, "Oh OK, hope it was nothing I did, you can feel free to get back in touch later if you want."

My thing was different from yours, so YMMV, but "this just won't work for me right now" would seem to work pretty fine for many casual situations, since it's pretty nonspecific and also pretty definitive.

But if you think the guy is going to try to fight about it, definitely just ghost.
posted by emumimic at 10:12 PM on October 3, 2017 [42 favorites]

This is exactly why increased delays between text or email responses and, "I can't, I'm busy" were invented. Just be too busy to respond or hang out.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 3:12 AM on October 4, 2017 [2 favorites]

It doesn't sound like you see each other that often, nor does it sound like you're in contact all that often. If you're the one who usually initiates, just stop and wait for him to do so (it sort of seems like he probably won't). If he does, then just take longer to respond & do the whole "I'm busy" that's noted above.

If he's someone you do see socially (if you have friends in common, for example) or want to maintain some kind of super-casual friendship with, that can be more complicated, but I think even then, you can work around that ("Oh, I can't, but I'll see you at X's party, probably" or "Oh, I can't, but did you see last night's game?" or whatever).

(But if you think this will get unpleasant, you're fine just never contacting him or responding to him if he does contact you.)
posted by darksong at 4:48 AM on October 4, 2017 [1 favorite]

Yeah, I‘d wait it out and be less available. If he‘s as lazy / scheduling challenged as he sounds, he will let it die out because chasing you will be too much effort.
posted by Omnomnom at 5:20 AM on October 4, 2017 [4 favorites]

I'd let things get very cool because he's not good at scheduling / you're busy and then just be able to say, this isn't working out and I need to concentrate on other areas of my life right now. If he offers to get better at making time you can just say, that you've had a lot of time to reflect lately and you need to take your time for yourself now, or whatever. Basically a version of "that won't be possible."
posted by Medieval Maven at 6:44 AM on October 4, 2017

Ghosting is utterly cruel, and really only appropriate in situations where you think the person you're dumping might become dangerous.

I would just tell him, "Hey, I'm not really feeling this after all. Good luck with everything!" or something similar.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 6:46 AM on October 4, 2017 [22 favorites]

I'm a big fan of getting together for a friendly drink to say, "thanks, I appreciate the time, but this isn't working for me so I'm calling it quits." It's true that ppl like to argue that it really IS working but tbh most of the time they are stunned speechless that I have the integrity to say what I mean, in person, and even pay for the drinks, and consequently are too gobsmacked to put up a fuss.
posted by janey47 at 6:53 AM on October 4, 2017 [2 favorites]

Depends on how you define “ghosting”. Literally falling off the face of the earth - bit rude, especially if you think he’s likely to take it badly anyway. Just leaving more and more time between responses, and being “too busy” to meet up, is fine.
posted by tinkletown at 7:16 AM on October 4, 2017

Yeah, I think the "Hey, this really isn't what I want anymore" is vague and kindish and accurate. He might try to push back, and in that case, just block and ignore.
posted by superlibby at 8:53 AM on October 4, 2017 [3 favorites]

Ghosting is cowardly, rude, and juvenile, and I'm surprised that some people are recommending it so casually. Ghosting is for guys who have proven themselves to be dickheads, assholes, or otherwise incapable of adult communication.

Send him a short text/email and let him know that while you've enjoyed spending time with him, you've decided it's best to move on to other people. No other explanation necessary. If he's rude or hostile in reply, then of course ghost or ignore him. But sending a text takes 10 seconds and allows you both to move on with a minimum of fuss and without having to sit around wondering what's going on.
posted by venividivici at 9:17 AM on October 4, 2017 [10 favorites]

Ghosting is cowardly, rude, and juvenile,

You’ve obviously never had someone freak out and threaten you when you tried to end things like an adult.
posted by roger ackroyd at 9:21 AM on October 4, 2017 [9 favorites]

If he's literally a friend, i.e. you have mutual friends and will surely bump into him, say "there have been some changes in my life, and while I've enjoyed our time together the time has come for it to end" -- don't say you should "see other people", presumably you aren't in an exclusive relationship so either of you might already be seeing other people.

If you aren't going to be crossing paths anywhere else, there is the option to say you've met someone and it's over.
posted by yohko at 10:12 AM on October 4, 2017

I wouldn't ghost, because it sucks to be on the receiving end of that, and I also would not spell out the reasons why you're ending it. Just text him saying it's not working out. There is no need to explain further, and if he asks for an explanation, don't answer.
posted by a strong female character at 7:20 PM on October 4, 2017 [1 favorite]

Yeah, I think the "Hey, this really isn't what I want anymore" is vague and kindish and accurate. He might try to push back, and in that case, just block and ignore.

Seconded. Send and immediately block, if you're really concerned. Sending and then ignoring is totally fine.

I think that ghosting is off the table once you've shared fluids, but I'm old fashioned that way.
posted by Capt. Renault at 12:08 PM on October 6, 2017