How do I enjoy sex more?

January 24, 2006 2:30 PM

Save professional psychiatric help, how do I learn to enjoy sex more? (ProbablyNotSafetoRead@Work...)

Just to clear this up, I am seeking professional help (with first appointment in a few weeks), so I'm not anti-psychiatry or anything... Just want some personal opinions and advice.

I'm a 21 y/o bisexual male who has had a few male partners (mostly ltr), no female partners, and is still fairly inexperienced sexually. I have had oral, anal, and mutual masturbation a few times with these few guys, but I've never orgasmed with a partner other than masturbating myself to orgasm. I tend to get very nervous, can't stop my mind from running/wandering, and tend to think only about the other person's stuff... So I'm not getting any complaints from partners (lol), but I feeling more and more unsatisfied with not being able to perform properly.

To make matters worse, in American society all I hear about in the media and from other guys (it seems) is that it's hard to *not* cum during sex and premature ejaculation is more common than anything. Kinda makes me feel like I'm the only guy in the world who can't do "it" right sometimes. Lol.

Has anyone else dealt with this problem or had success with a partner who has this situation? Am I thinking about this the wrong way? Any input would be appreciated at this point!

posted by mercurysm2 to health (11 comments total)

Here is a recent, similar post which you might find interesting.

Outside of the advice regarding anxiety given there, I suggest finding a partner you can trust and have fun with. Practice just doing what you find enjoyable, maybe for little bits at a time at first and then increasing as you can. Thing about things that turn you on. Focus on your body, or on a particular sensation. Learn how to forget about your self-consciousness and get lost in the feeling. It's all in the head. Once you've gotten past that roadblock a few times, it will get much easier. Enjoying yourself during sex doesn't mean the other person gets neglected. Often, just doing what feels good to you feels good to the other person, or turns him or her on. You'll have plenty of opportunity to do the other person favors as well. Don't neglect yourself.
posted by moira at 3:03 PM on January 24, 2006

First, you are not the only guy in the world who has trouble reaching orgasm. I don't have any specific advice, but you probably just need to feel comfortable with you partner -- and comfortable enough to ask for what you want. And maybe, since you say you're fairly inexperienced, you just need to get more used to sex with another person, kind of like how you've "gotten used" to masturbation. Also, are you on any medications that might affect your sex drive or "delay" orgasm?
posted by Airhen at 3:15 PM on January 24, 2006

It definitely sounds like you are thinking too much-- try to relax and just enjoy whatever happens. Don't focus on the end result, just take the experience for what it is at the time.

I had similar problems with an ex-girlfriend-- sometimes I just couldn't orgasm, and had no idea why. This bothered both of us a lot, since guys are supposed to cum at the drop of a hat. One day I just decided I didn't care whether I had an orgasm or not-- sex is pretty damn good either way, and it's not like I was neglecting her needs. After that I had an orgasm every time we had sex, no problem.
posted by InfidelZombie at 3:19 PM on January 24, 2006

Several years ago I was surprised to read a column in Bottom Line written by a sex therapist that suggested to focus on your own pleasure rather your partner's, which may sound selfish or evil but if you both are focusing on the partner's pleasure you're kind of distracted from your own so in the end no one gets off (heh).

I didn't orgasm in the presence of a partner (or maybe it was just during intercourse? not sure) until I was 19 years old. For me I needed someone I DIDN'T care about to remove that fear of loss causing me to care what he thought. Admittedly I felt comfortable with this person because he was very inexperienced (later he told me he lost his virginity to me which upset me because I had no idea and it certainly wasn't "special"!), thus making me feel more confident that I wouldn't be compared to someone else, or whatever. This one "step" made me feel more sexually confident in subsequent relationships. This person wasn't just any stranger, I had known him for a few years and we were sort of kind of "dating" (if you want to call it that).

I'm not necessarily suggesting that. I think it feels more wholesome to share sex with someone you love, and I think it can be kind of damaging to have sexual encounters void of intimacy, especially at a young age where you are impressionable. I think it can mess with your expectations of relationships, making them unrealistic or your beliefs about the opposite sex (or sex you're attracted to) a little skewed.....

I'm not sure if you're afraid of what you will look or sound like during orgasm, but I suggest picking up yourself a copy of "The Best of Eddie Murphy on Saturday Night Live" and watching it. There's a clip in it where Eddie Murphy makes fun of the way we all look (or maybe it was just men) during orgasm, saying we never do the same things while eating a slice of pizza that's "so good" - he contorts his face quite a bit and makes sounds you'd hear in a zoo. It brings light to the situation. Most people I've talked to generally worry about this, and porno doesn't set a good example because those people are actors and actresses who are acting. If you overfocus on controlling what you look like you will be out of touch with the pleasure you could feel. Really, anything else you focus on is going to distract you from the pleasure you could feel - remember, sex takes place largely in the brain. Good luck to you....
posted by mojabunni at 3:50 PM on January 24, 2006

Have you tried drugs? Seriously, one of the reasons that recreational drug use is often associated with sex is that it lowers inhabitions, and inhabitions are what you need lowered. Pot before therapy, that's my motto.
posted by klangklangston at 4:43 PM on January 24, 2006

Have you tried having sex with women?
posted by mkultra at 5:11 PM on January 24, 2006

Maybe you are just more used to getting yourself off (by jacking off). This is very common as no one knows yourself more than your own hand. Usually when one starts getting into relationships, its kinda awkward and ones idea of sensuality needs to be reworked, so to speak. Also, relaxing more, not feeling like you have to get yourself off and focusing on the other person sometimes helps the mind focus more to the task at hand.
posted by _zed_ at 8:10 PM on January 24, 2006

hmmm . . .I never worried about what I looked like during sex *until* I saw that Eddy Murphy bit. My advice is, A: Don't watch Eddy Murphy (ever, really, for any reason), and B: Don't focus on the Big 'O;' yours, his, or hers. Men are so goddamn goal oriented. I get nervous when I can sense the other guy is focused only on 'how to get to the O.' Slow and easy does it, nowhai'msayin?
posted by Zendogg at 10:42 PM on January 24, 2006

It might be masturbation-related, like _zed_ said: are you using an iron grip to jerk off? If so, loosen up on yourself; you could be desensitizing your dick, and the only way you'll be able to get off is with the instant feedback masturbation provides.

So. Gentle grip, lots of lube, and whatever you do, don't get frustrated and give up if it doesn't work: you'll just have to do without an orgasm that time. Train your tool to accept lighter stimulation and you may find you're got a shorter fuse during sex with a partner.
posted by S.C. at 11:33 PM on January 24, 2006

Practice improves things, and that applies to enjoying sex with the same partner, when possible. But really, there isn't anything wrong with just grooving on getting a partner off. I have gotten incredibly fond of driving my partner insane and having him explode in liquid fireworks. One can derive a lot of pleasure that way!

And the whole thing about being used to your hand is absolutely true. I suffered from that problem for years. But you know, when your sexual ideas are fixated on your partner's equipment, it is quite reasonable to be a bit awkward about yourself. I have a story about that I won't tell here.
posted by Goofyy at 1:09 AM on January 25, 2006

Maybe you are asexual.
posted by Monochrome at 6:15 PM on January 26, 2006