I miss my partner when he's away, but he doesn't want to live with me
October 1, 2017 4:29 AM Subscribe
My partner works away a lot so we sometimes go weeks without seeing one another. I can find this quite hard. I know I would find it easier if we lived together, but he doesn't want to. He is a bit of a loner/quiet and says he values his alone time. I know that he loves me, but I don't want to live apart forever. What should I do?
We've been together for almost two years, and we live in separate houseshares in the same city. We also work in the same industry so have many of the same work friends and colleagues (which is how we met). His job takes him away a lot while mine is mainly static. I miss him terribly when he's gone, which isn't helped by the fact that he's not always a great texter/skyper.
I recently got very upset when I discovered that on one of his recent work trips, 2 days of downtime had been built into the schedule (very rare) to allow everyone to take advantage of the other (work-related, but fun) activities that were happening in that city. I found out because I text him to ask how it was all going and he replied that he was just day-tripping. I was so sad about it because I could easily have made plans to join him (as other partners did) but he never thought to tell me and I'd never thought to ask. I think he was still kinda thinking of it as work-time, so the thought never crossed his mind. But to me it felt like we were being needlessly separated when time together is so precious, and we have only ever been on one holiday as a couple. We talked about this, and I think he saw my side of it, but I didn't really get the emotional reassurance I needed for the longterm.
I'm sure that I'd cope a lot better when he's away if I knew that he was always going to be coming home to be under the same roof as me at the end of each trip. At the moment scheduling time together even when we are both in the same city is a constant diary-management nightmare which I find stressful and upsetting and he finds pressurising. He doesn't like being asked to make plans too far in advance.
I know he's not cheating btw. I honestly trust him completely, and besides, I know so many of the people he travels with for work - many are joint contacts/colleagues.
To complicate things, the people I currently share a house with are likely to all move out at the end of our tenancy, and I live in an expensive city with a brutal rental market. I am starting to worry about my own housing. It's very possible that I will have to move to a much cheaper area if I have to find somewhere new on my own, which will surely make our relationship even harder to manage.
After two years together, part of me thinks he should want to live with me, but I also don't want to rock the boat because he's actually so sweet and kind and lovely - I've been out with some awful people in the past - and things can be so great between us when we're out on a date or just hanging out at one of our houses.
Has anyone got any experience of living separately from your partner throughout a long-term relationship? How did it work? How can I explain to him why us living together matters so much to me? Am I freaking out over nothing? How do I stop missing him so much?
We've been together for almost two years, and we live in separate houseshares in the same city. We also work in the same industry so have many of the same work friends and colleagues (which is how we met). His job takes him away a lot while mine is mainly static. I miss him terribly when he's gone, which isn't helped by the fact that he's not always a great texter/skyper.
I recently got very upset when I discovered that on one of his recent work trips, 2 days of downtime had been built into the schedule (very rare) to allow everyone to take advantage of the other (work-related, but fun) activities that were happening in that city. I found out because I text him to ask how it was all going and he replied that he was just day-tripping. I was so sad about it because I could easily have made plans to join him (as other partners did) but he never thought to tell me and I'd never thought to ask. I think he was still kinda thinking of it as work-time, so the thought never crossed his mind. But to me it felt like we were being needlessly separated when time together is so precious, and we have only ever been on one holiday as a couple. We talked about this, and I think he saw my side of it, but I didn't really get the emotional reassurance I needed for the longterm.
I'm sure that I'd cope a lot better when he's away if I knew that he was always going to be coming home to be under the same roof as me at the end of each trip. At the moment scheduling time together even when we are both in the same city is a constant diary-management nightmare which I find stressful and upsetting and he finds pressurising. He doesn't like being asked to make plans too far in advance.
I know he's not cheating btw. I honestly trust him completely, and besides, I know so many of the people he travels with for work - many are joint contacts/colleagues.
To complicate things, the people I currently share a house with are likely to all move out at the end of our tenancy, and I live in an expensive city with a brutal rental market. I am starting to worry about my own housing. It's very possible that I will have to move to a much cheaper area if I have to find somewhere new on my own, which will surely make our relationship even harder to manage.
After two years together, part of me thinks he should want to live with me, but I also don't want to rock the boat because he's actually so sweet and kind and lovely - I've been out with some awful people in the past - and things can be so great between us when we're out on a date or just hanging out at one of our houses.
Has anyone got any experience of living separately from your partner throughout a long-term relationship? How did it work? How can I explain to him why us living together matters so much to me? Am I freaking out over nothing? How do I stop missing him so much?
He knows you want to live together, he knows it's important to you and...
he doesn't care, which isn't what you want to hear but that's the reality. He is perfectly happy with the ways things are even though you're not. Sometimes the way a person asks a question here can show you actually do know the right answer, which is for you to end this and move on.
He doesn't text or doesn't want to hang out and is stressed by planning time to be with you. I really hope you can see that this person is not super-invested in your relationship and heaven knows you don't need this type of wishy-washy affection. Nobody needs this. It doesn't matter if he's cheating or not, what matters is that he's not treating you very well; of course he doesn't want to live together.
Look, I'm really sorry and this sucks but this guy is not all that into this relationship. Drop the idea of living together and drop him.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 4:56 AM on October 1, 2017 [63 favorites]
he doesn't care, which isn't what you want to hear but that's the reality. He is perfectly happy with the ways things are even though you're not. Sometimes the way a person asks a question here can show you actually do know the right answer, which is for you to end this and move on.
He doesn't text or doesn't want to hang out and is stressed by planning time to be with you. I really hope you can see that this person is not super-invested in your relationship and heaven knows you don't need this type of wishy-washy affection. Nobody needs this. It doesn't matter if he's cheating or not, what matters is that he's not treating you very well; of course he doesn't want to live together.
Look, I'm really sorry and this sucks but this guy is not all that into this relationship. Drop the idea of living together and drop him.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 4:56 AM on October 1, 2017 [63 favorites]
Do you really think when this trip was planned and the downtime was scheduled and his colleagues made plans to be joined by their partners this never came up in conversation with his co-workers? It seems to me that at that point he either decided not to suggest you meet him as well or he is so disengaged that it really didn't occur to him. Either way it does not give a lot of hope for your long-term future as couple.
posted by koahiatamadl at 5:18 AM on October 1, 2017 [6 favorites]
posted by koahiatamadl at 5:18 AM on October 1, 2017 [6 favorites]
It seems that your goals for this relationship aren't compatible with his. He wants a much more low-level thing than you do; he values his alone time a lot, you want more time together. Neither of those is bad, and I don't think that it means that he doesn't love you; nevertheless, it means that the two of you just aren't very compatible.
Explaining to him why you really want to live together will not solve this. Understanding why this is important to you will not magically make him want the same things that you want.
You two want different things out of life, and out of this relationship that you have. I don't see an easy way to resolve that while staying together. I'm so sorry!
posted by Too-Ticky at 5:18 AM on October 1, 2017 [31 favorites]
Explaining to him why you really want to live together will not solve this. Understanding why this is important to you will not magically make him want the same things that you want.
You two want different things out of life, and out of this relationship that you have. I don't see an easy way to resolve that while staying together. I'm so sorry!
posted by Too-Ticky at 5:18 AM on October 1, 2017 [31 favorites]
Honestly, if this guy wanted all of that, he'd be doing it. Instead, what he wants is a casual relationship on his terms that doesn't require him to worry about someone's feelings or get enmeshed in their life, or they in his. That's great if that's where you're at too. Doesn't sound like you are though and I hate to tell you, but no amount of conversation will make him be more committed to you. Time to move on.
posted by Jubey at 5:18 AM on October 1, 2017 [14 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 5:18 AM on October 1, 2017 [14 favorites]
Add my voice to the chorus that this is a clear signal that you're not on the same page, and it would be good for you to end it. You really, really do not want to stay in a relationship where you feel like you need to force these issues. That's soul killing.
posted by Sublimity at 6:03 AM on October 1, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by Sublimity at 6:03 AM on October 1, 2017 [2 favorites]
I know some of these responses aren't answering your questions of how to deal with this other than to DTMFA, but if living together is something you really want, breaking up might be your only answer. Sure, it's one thing in your relationship, and everything else is going fine, and he's lovely and sweet, but this one thing will gnaw at you; it will be that insatiable itch and it will become a much bigger problem as you move forward. You've already invested 2 years of your life with this man - not to put a timetable on your relationship - but at this point in most relationships you both should be talking about a future together in general. I don't see that happening the way you want it to and since it's not, it's time to cut and run.
You deserve someone who can't wait to see you and who would jump at the chance to spend time together. Staying with this man will only leave you unsatisfied and you will miss out on time better spent finding that someone else. These kinds of breakups are especially hard because everything else seems fine, there isn't a major issue you're fighting about, but it will become one. Also, thinking about your shared friends and similar careers - breaking it off amicably before it does get ugly is a good option. Face it, things aren't fine. On the surface they might look that way, but at the end of the day, your needs aren't being met and that is a problem. Additionally, your living situation seems like a good way to get a fresh start on things, look at it as a positive instead of a negative.
I'm sorry it isn't working out the way you want.
posted by NoraCharles at 6:27 AM on October 1, 2017 [16 favorites]
You deserve someone who can't wait to see you and who would jump at the chance to spend time together. Staying with this man will only leave you unsatisfied and you will miss out on time better spent finding that someone else. These kinds of breakups are especially hard because everything else seems fine, there isn't a major issue you're fighting about, but it will become one. Also, thinking about your shared friends and similar careers - breaking it off amicably before it does get ugly is a good option. Face it, things aren't fine. On the surface they might look that way, but at the end of the day, your needs aren't being met and that is a problem. Additionally, your living situation seems like a good way to get a fresh start on things, look at it as a positive instead of a negative.
I'm sorry it isn't working out the way you want.
posted by NoraCharles at 6:27 AM on October 1, 2017 [16 favorites]
Non traditional relationships can sometimes work. My cousin and his SO have lived next door to each other for years. I think they are somewhat unusual though.
Mr. gudrun and I also like our alone time. We are married and do indeed live together in the same apartment, but have built spaces into it that are where we can each have alone time, and neither of us minds the other person being behind a closed door for however long they need. Also, he is a terrible bedhog, so we each have our own twin bed, which we keep pushed together (though some people have separate bedrooms). We take vacations together, but also sometimes go do something by ourselves or with friends.
The key to these relationships is that there was discussion and buy in from both parties, and also, both couples love each other, express it frequently and well, enjoy spending time together, and build in couple time in the relationships.
So, you need to decide what you want from a relationship/this relationship, talk honestly with him, but also be prepared to break up if you can't find a way to be together that works for you both.
posted by gudrun at 6:33 AM on October 1, 2017 [10 favorites]
Mr. gudrun and I also like our alone time. We are married and do indeed live together in the same apartment, but have built spaces into it that are where we can each have alone time, and neither of us minds the other person being behind a closed door for however long they need. Also, he is a terrible bedhog, so we each have our own twin bed, which we keep pushed together (though some people have separate bedrooms). We take vacations together, but also sometimes go do something by ourselves or with friends.
The key to these relationships is that there was discussion and buy in from both parties, and also, both couples love each other, express it frequently and well, enjoy spending time together, and build in couple time in the relationships.
So, you need to decide what you want from a relationship/this relationship, talk honestly with him, but also be prepared to break up if you can't find a way to be together that works for you both.
posted by gudrun at 6:33 AM on October 1, 2017 [10 favorites]
The key to nontraditional relationships is that both partners want them that way.
You don't want that. You want the setup that adults typically have when they love each other and derive their comfort from each other, which is that they come home to each other. Other setups are find for people who like them. You don't.
This guy may love you in his way - although he doesn't sound real engaged tbh - but it's not how you want to live. Don't twist yourself up trying to make yourself ok with what he wants.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:32 AM on October 1, 2017 [25 favorites]
You don't want that. You want the setup that adults typically have when they love each other and derive their comfort from each other, which is that they come home to each other. Other setups are find for people who like them. You don't.
This guy may love you in his way - although he doesn't sound real engaged tbh - but it's not how you want to live. Don't twist yourself up trying to make yourself ok with what he wants.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:32 AM on October 1, 2017 [25 favorites]
I had a relationship previously with aspects like you're describing. We were together for years, living apart because he really didn't want to live with me and also valued his alone time (or so he said), despite me asking for moving in together for awhile. I just wanted to see him more, spend more time with him...life is short! He also used to do stuff like you describe with your partner's work trip. We had many discussions and fights about it. Eventually, I did convince him to move in with me, and he did - reluctantly. The relationship quickly went downhill from there. His "needing tons of alone time" always bothered me. Especially because it didn't really seem like it was about alone time (he was perfectly fine to hang out with his friends). Long story short, after investing nearly a decade into that relationship, I eventually ended things. Looking back now, I'm pretty sure he just didn't like spending that much time with me. I wanted more affection and more time from a partner than just like, once or twice a week hanging out for a couple hours.
All that to say, I super agree with the above advice. I don't think your partner will change, and if he does, he might resent you later (my ex-bf did, it happens). He knows it's important to you to spend time together, and still, he doesn't seem willing. You deserve someone who enthusiastically wants to spend time with you and is willing to meet you halfway with your needs.
posted by FireFountain at 9:12 AM on October 1, 2017 [3 favorites]
All that to say, I super agree with the above advice. I don't think your partner will change, and if he does, he might resent you later (my ex-bf did, it happens). He knows it's important to you to spend time together, and still, he doesn't seem willing. You deserve someone who enthusiastically wants to spend time with you and is willing to meet you halfway with your needs.
posted by FireFountain at 9:12 AM on October 1, 2017 [3 favorites]
I agree with all the other posters saying you and your boyfriend have incompatible desires for this relationship. He wants lots of alone time and not to live together; you want to spend time together and to live together. Neither of those things is a bad thing, but they're not compatible. I think in order to be happy you will have to go your separate ways.
I want to say one more thing, though: you are not weird, wrong, or needy to want what you want, and you are in good company. For every person who needs lots of alone time in their relationship, there's another who needs together time. And I say this as someone who likes alone time! But for me, I also need to spend time together with my partner because that's how we maintain intimacy, and we enjoy each other's company.
Women are often pressured to sublimate their needs for their male partners in order to avoid being called needy, among other things. Don't allow anyone else to downplay your need for bonding time with a partner. It doesn't make you strange or needy. It makes you who you are and it's a perfectly normal and valid way to be.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 9:22 AM on October 1, 2017 [30 favorites]
I want to say one more thing, though: you are not weird, wrong, or needy to want what you want, and you are in good company. For every person who needs lots of alone time in their relationship, there's another who needs together time. And I say this as someone who likes alone time! But for me, I also need to spend time together with my partner because that's how we maintain intimacy, and we enjoy each other's company.
Women are often pressured to sublimate their needs for their male partners in order to avoid being called needy, among other things. Don't allow anyone else to downplay your need for bonding time with a partner. It doesn't make you strange or needy. It makes you who you are and it's a perfectly normal and valid way to be.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 9:22 AM on October 1, 2017 [30 favorites]
The only way you can make this situation work is if you truly accept that your relationship will stay the way it is for as long as it lasts. This means that you'll have to be contented with the reality that your partner will never want to live with you, that you will continue to be spending weeks apart, that he won't invite you on business trips, that he won't ever be good about skyping or calling when he is away, and that he's going to continue to feel "pressured" when you try to arrange to spend time with him. True acceptance means being resigned to the fact that it will always be that way and never even asking your partner to change it because you understand that the answer will be no.
And that's not even the worst of it. When one settles for a relationship with a partner who's not fully on board, such wishy-washy partners are very, very prone to jumping ship without a qualm or a backward look when someone better comes along. There's an excellent chance that at some point your boyfriend will meet someone else whom he'd rather be with, and he'll then promptly and unapologetically dump you for her, spend all the time he can with her, keep in frequent touch with her when he's away, invite her on business trips whenever possible, and be eager to move in with her in less than a year's time.
So, while it is your decision, I would urge you to break things off with Absentee Guy and invest your time in looking for someone who loves spending time with you and makes you a priority and a real part of his life. Right now you're staying with this guy to get a small and sporadic amount of companionship and affection. I promise you that once you find a guy who really wants to be with you and gives you regular and increasing companionship and affection, it'll be far more rewarding and you'll wish you had left sooner.
posted by orange swan at 9:46 AM on October 1, 2017 [9 favorites]
And that's not even the worst of it. When one settles for a relationship with a partner who's not fully on board, such wishy-washy partners are very, very prone to jumping ship without a qualm or a backward look when someone better comes along. There's an excellent chance that at some point your boyfriend will meet someone else whom he'd rather be with, and he'll then promptly and unapologetically dump you for her, spend all the time he can with her, keep in frequent touch with her when he's away, invite her on business trips whenever possible, and be eager to move in with her in less than a year's time.
So, while it is your decision, I would urge you to break things off with Absentee Guy and invest your time in looking for someone who loves spending time with you and makes you a priority and a real part of his life. Right now you're staying with this guy to get a small and sporadic amount of companionship and affection. I promise you that once you find a guy who really wants to be with you and gives you regular and increasing companionship and affection, it'll be far more rewarding and you'll wish you had left sooner.
posted by orange swan at 9:46 AM on October 1, 2017 [9 favorites]
Relationships are always about compromise. He's not compromising. Instead of trying to find a solution that works for both of you, he's unilaterally decided your relationship will conform solely to his needs, regardless of yours.
It sounds like you have already expressed to him that his way is actively harmful to your emotional state, and he's chosen his way.
The answer to "what should I do" is: You should walk away from this guy who may love you, but not enough to compromise so both your needs can be met.
posted by invincible summer at 9:51 AM on October 1, 2017 [4 favorites]
It sounds like you have already expressed to him that his way is actively harmful to your emotional state, and he's chosen his way.
The answer to "what should I do" is: You should walk away from this guy who may love you, but not enough to compromise so both your needs can be met.
posted by invincible summer at 9:51 AM on October 1, 2017 [4 favorites]
One of the things I hate most about late capitalism is how it creates these rental markets that warp our ability to make good decisions in other areas of our lives. Grar.
Listen; everyone above is right. Your boyfriend may be lovely, and he may not be a jerk, but he's never going to move in with you, spend holidays with your parents, propose (if that's something you want), any of that. He isn't that into you. It's probably not about YOU -- he's probably just not that into ANYone. And you should leave him.
But whether or not you're going to leave him, you're in a position where your financial and residential security are perilous, and this dillweed isn't going to help you with that. So YOU HAVE TO GIVE THE SHIT. You have to do what is necessary to secure your future and your finances. If that means moving, and he balks at driving to your new place? So fucking be it.
You need to take care of you. Whatever you do re: this guy, you need to take care of you. Do not, repeat, do NOT risk going broke or homeless for a lukewarm dude.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:52 AM on October 1, 2017 [18 favorites]
Listen; everyone above is right. Your boyfriend may be lovely, and he may not be a jerk, but he's never going to move in with you, spend holidays with your parents, propose (if that's something you want), any of that. He isn't that into you. It's probably not about YOU -- he's probably just not that into ANYone. And you should leave him.
But whether or not you're going to leave him, you're in a position where your financial and residential security are perilous, and this dillweed isn't going to help you with that. So YOU HAVE TO GIVE THE SHIT. You have to do what is necessary to secure your future and your finances. If that means moving, and he balks at driving to your new place? So fucking be it.
You need to take care of you. Whatever you do re: this guy, you need to take care of you. Do not, repeat, do NOT risk going broke or homeless for a lukewarm dude.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:52 AM on October 1, 2017 [18 favorites]
I was your boyfriend in my last relationship, except the genders were reversed. We dated for 1 year. I value my alone time, and I was also slow to get into this relationship with my heart. He was all-in, he wanted everything. He started talking about a possibility to move in together after 3 months. When I had to take a business trip, his heart was breaking. He worried endlessly, he was being crushed inside. He nearly jeopardized his own work to take tome off to accompany me on some of these trips.
I felt that all of this was too soon, too much. I asked him repeatedly to give me space in this, give me time. He’d try, but he also felt hurt. He’s say that his pain and distress are not important to me, because I’m not making changes. I felt constantly under pressure, and yes, I tried to brush it off, which made him even more hurt, and resentful. A week wouldn’t go by when he would not bring up us living together, in increasingly wounded ways. On occasions I prioritized business meetings over spending quality time with him when I could possibly find ways around it. That hurt him too, and I understand, and I felt for him, but at that time I already felt that, because of the pressure, I have to push back. It was a constant struggle. His resentment built to a point that sometimes he’d treat me coldly when I was down or in pain. It’s like he almost wanted me to be punished for causing him his pain.
It became very unhealthy and I broke it off. I broke it of many times before (shameful but true), and after a few days he’d beg me to come back, he’d cry, tell me all the great things about us, and I would cave in.
However the last time, all the hurt was enough for him too, and he didn’t come back. We stayed apart for a couple of weeks, and I realized that I really love him. He is amazing, fantastic, caring, sensitive person who gets me, and I started to want him back. Want him back bad. I was heartbroken for months. Why didn’t I want to live with him? Why didn’t I want to have his babies? This was happiness knocking on my door, and because of my stubbornness, independence, aloofness, I ruined it. Or so I felt. (Of course, him constantly pushing my boundaries was a red flag, I realize it, and it’s probably all for the better). I tried getting him back, but it was too late.
So, what he should have done, (and what I think you should do with your boyfriend), is sit down with me, and explain to me, in no uncertain terms, that me being as distant and independent as I am was hurting him very deeply, and that some changes needed to be made. And I would explain to him that all the pressure is preventing me from making any changes. And for him, please, for once, I repeat, give me room to breathe, and time. After this conversation, he should have not mentioned moving in together for at least a month. Maybe even two months, keeping the relationship the same otherwise. That alone would probably feel like a relive for me, and would not prompt me to make any steps towards moving in together or progressing the relationship. At that point, this is important; he should have started to pull back little by little. “Sorry, I need to catch up on my bills and errands this week, won’t be able to make any plans to see you,” Sorry, I need to take a trip to visit my mom,” and schedule it at a time when I can’t go with him, and go on his own, and have a great time. Let ME miss HIM! Because I really loved him, a couple of weeks of him distancing would start driving me mad, and I would start making all the steps towards him that he wanted for so long. I would ask him to move in with me in a heartbeat because ultimately, it was a natural step in a relationship, and I loved him, and being with him, and he was so amazingly helpful around the house. I think you should try this distancing approach.
It is also possible, as a result, that your boyfriend will realize that being without you (and pressure from you) frees him up and feels great (although I doubt it, since he loves you, you say). But there’s a chance that could happen, and that will just tell you that he was never as into you as you deserve. As horribly painful as this realization might be, it’s better to know this now, then in 2 more years that you’ve wasted. Don’t be afraid to lose him. Pining for someone who can’t give you attention and love that you need and deserve is just a waste of time. You cannot “talk him into” wanting to be with you. Only distancing from him will allow him to feel this on his own, if he is capable.
posted by LakeDream at 9:54 AM on October 1, 2017 [12 favorites]
I felt that all of this was too soon, too much. I asked him repeatedly to give me space in this, give me time. He’d try, but he also felt hurt. He’s say that his pain and distress are not important to me, because I’m not making changes. I felt constantly under pressure, and yes, I tried to brush it off, which made him even more hurt, and resentful. A week wouldn’t go by when he would not bring up us living together, in increasingly wounded ways. On occasions I prioritized business meetings over spending quality time with him when I could possibly find ways around it. That hurt him too, and I understand, and I felt for him, but at that time I already felt that, because of the pressure, I have to push back. It was a constant struggle. His resentment built to a point that sometimes he’d treat me coldly when I was down or in pain. It’s like he almost wanted me to be punished for causing him his pain.
It became very unhealthy and I broke it off. I broke it of many times before (shameful but true), and after a few days he’d beg me to come back, he’d cry, tell me all the great things about us, and I would cave in.
However the last time, all the hurt was enough for him too, and he didn’t come back. We stayed apart for a couple of weeks, and I realized that I really love him. He is amazing, fantastic, caring, sensitive person who gets me, and I started to want him back. Want him back bad. I was heartbroken for months. Why didn’t I want to live with him? Why didn’t I want to have his babies? This was happiness knocking on my door, and because of my stubbornness, independence, aloofness, I ruined it. Or so I felt. (Of course, him constantly pushing my boundaries was a red flag, I realize it, and it’s probably all for the better). I tried getting him back, but it was too late.
So, what he should have done, (and what I think you should do with your boyfriend), is sit down with me, and explain to me, in no uncertain terms, that me being as distant and independent as I am was hurting him very deeply, and that some changes needed to be made. And I would explain to him that all the pressure is preventing me from making any changes. And for him, please, for once, I repeat, give me room to breathe, and time. After this conversation, he should have not mentioned moving in together for at least a month. Maybe even two months, keeping the relationship the same otherwise. That alone would probably feel like a relive for me, and would not prompt me to make any steps towards moving in together or progressing the relationship. At that point, this is important; he should have started to pull back little by little. “Sorry, I need to catch up on my bills and errands this week, won’t be able to make any plans to see you,” Sorry, I need to take a trip to visit my mom,” and schedule it at a time when I can’t go with him, and go on his own, and have a great time. Let ME miss HIM! Because I really loved him, a couple of weeks of him distancing would start driving me mad, and I would start making all the steps towards him that he wanted for so long. I would ask him to move in with me in a heartbeat because ultimately, it was a natural step in a relationship, and I loved him, and being with him, and he was so amazingly helpful around the house. I think you should try this distancing approach.
It is also possible, as a result, that your boyfriend will realize that being without you (and pressure from you) frees him up and feels great (although I doubt it, since he loves you, you say). But there’s a chance that could happen, and that will just tell you that he was never as into you as you deserve. As horribly painful as this realization might be, it’s better to know this now, then in 2 more years that you’ve wasted. Don’t be afraid to lose him. Pining for someone who can’t give you attention and love that you need and deserve is just a waste of time. You cannot “talk him into” wanting to be with you. Only distancing from him will allow him to feel this on his own, if he is capable.
posted by LakeDream at 9:54 AM on October 1, 2017 [12 favorites]
I think LakeDream is spot on - I would add that I think it really help you to change your expectations for the relationship. When you feel stressed, lonely or unhappy you want to turn to him for support and you feel let down when he isn't there. My suggestion to assume that (more often than not) he is not going to the one to be there for you. Develop your own resources and broaden your network of friends and family who you can reach out. Find new tools to manage your anxiety and build confidence that you can handle things on your own - having him in your life is just bonus. That will let you do the distance in a more real way, not just as a manipulative way to see if he will do want you want and suddenly change into a close and reliable partner. Then, if giving him distance helps him draw closer, you can slowly re-evaluate how much you can lean on him based on how much he is willing to be there for you. If he doesn't draw closer, then you will have more confidence moving forward in your life until you find someone who proves that they merit your love and trust.
posted by metahawk at 12:01 PM on October 1, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by metahawk at 12:01 PM on October 1, 2017 [1 favorite]
[Hey, super-brief, gentle reminder not to chose a gender for the OP when the OP hasn't stated one.]
posted by Iris Gambol at 12:38 PM on October 1, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Iris Gambol at 12:38 PM on October 1, 2017 [1 favorite]
Thank you for the reminder, Iris. I'm sorry, OP--I was projecting and making assumptions, and I apologize.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 12:45 PM on October 1, 2017
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 12:45 PM on October 1, 2017
It appears that your partner has made your relationship into a long-distance relationship, even though you live in the same city.
If you are spending more time sad and upset because your partner doesn't make you a priority, than happy *with* them, I'd say the cons outweigh the pros.
There are many people with many awesome qualities who just can't give you what you desire in a relationship. There's nothing wrong with you for wanting more, this person just isn't the one who can give it.
posted by 41swans at 2:10 PM on October 1, 2017
If you are spending more time sad and upset because your partner doesn't make you a priority, than happy *with* them, I'd say the cons outweigh the pros.
There are many people with many awesome qualities who just can't give you what you desire in a relationship. There's nothing wrong with you for wanting more, this person just isn't the one who can give it.
posted by 41swans at 2:10 PM on October 1, 2017
I like to defend people who don't want to regress back to roommate living just because they fall in love -- love is supposed to move you forward to a happier future, not backwards to when you didn't have your own place yet. except this guy is already/still in a houseshare!! wtf happened to his introversion and need for alone time? what alone time, if he's sharing a house with multiple people? and he is apparently happy to have housemates, just not to let you be one of them. that seems extremely suspect and very hard to believe and would make anyone feel unhappy. it would make me unhappy and I don't even want to live with anybody.
I suppose if he shares a house with strangers and feels no obligation to say hello or goodbye or hang out with them, it could feel more independent than living with a partner whom he couldn't treat that way. and I can imagine all sorts of reasons, from prudent fear of losing his home if the two of you ever break up, to being afraid of fighting if you have to live in too small a space together, because lack of privacy at home makes him irritable and he doesn't want you to see bad sides of him. but this is stuff that's easy to explain and discuss, if it's how he feels.
How can I explain to him why us living together matters so much to me?
"Living together matters so much to me. If I have to find a new place without roommates, I'll have to move so far away that I won't see you nearly as often. It hurts me to know that you'd choose to give up seeing me rather than move in together. " [add, if true]: "I understand if you don't think we're ready yet because living together is very serious for you, like getting married. I can wait [insert number of months/years]. but if you know it's never going to happen, tell me now, because I can't have a real, lasting, trusting relationship with someone who won't share a home with me."
and take your worries about rocking the boat and destroy them. you built this boat. you own a full half of the boat. it's your boat to rock. don't be scared of your own boyfriend! Being afraid of him and what he'll do if you talk to him is even worse than feeling unwanted. you're an equal; he should be afraid that if he can't explain his reasons for wanting to live alone, you'll leave him. you have power.
posted by queenofbithynia at 2:18 PM on October 1, 2017 [6 favorites]
I suppose if he shares a house with strangers and feels no obligation to say hello or goodbye or hang out with them, it could feel more independent than living with a partner whom he couldn't treat that way. and I can imagine all sorts of reasons, from prudent fear of losing his home if the two of you ever break up, to being afraid of fighting if you have to live in too small a space together, because lack of privacy at home makes him irritable and he doesn't want you to see bad sides of him. but this is stuff that's easy to explain and discuss, if it's how he feels.
How can I explain to him why us living together matters so much to me?
"Living together matters so much to me. If I have to find a new place without roommates, I'll have to move so far away that I won't see you nearly as often. It hurts me to know that you'd choose to give up seeing me rather than move in together. " [add, if true]: "I understand if you don't think we're ready yet because living together is very serious for you, like getting married. I can wait [insert number of months/years]. but if you know it's never going to happen, tell me now, because I can't have a real, lasting, trusting relationship with someone who won't share a home with me."
and take your worries about rocking the boat and destroy them. you built this boat. you own a full half of the boat. it's your boat to rock. don't be scared of your own boyfriend! Being afraid of him and what he'll do if you talk to him is even worse than feeling unwanted. you're an equal; he should be afraid that if he can't explain his reasons for wanting to live alone, you'll leave him. you have power.
posted by queenofbithynia at 2:18 PM on October 1, 2017 [6 favorites]
I think the living together issue is a red herring. The part that leaps out at me is that scheduling time to see each other is a nightmare, and he feels pressured when you try to do it in advance. It took me a while (2.5 years) to be ready to move in with my now-wife, and we had hectic schedules for a long time that made it hard to schedule time together, and I am an introvert who thrives on alone time, but you better believe that I was all about making plans in advance and texting her when we were apart and showing her in a myriad of ways that she was important to me. I wouldn't have invited her on a trip to do work-related activities, because that's not my idea of a good time. I would have planned time with her before and after, and I would have brought her a present. The point I'm trying to make is that your boyfriend can have a different personality and relationship style, and that's okay... but you should still feel like a priority to him and you should be seeing any effort to met your needs. I don't see that effort here. Do you see that effort?
posted by studioaudience at 3:30 PM on October 1, 2017 [6 favorites]
posted by studioaudience at 3:30 PM on October 1, 2017 [6 favorites]
"except this guy is already/still in a houseshare!! wtf happened to his introversion and need for alone time? what alone time, if he's sharing a house with multiple people? and he is apparently happy to have housemates, just not to let you be one of them. that seems extremely suspect and very hard to believe and would make anyone feel unhappy. it would make me unhappy and I don't even want to live with anybody."
Just a note that housemate relationships can be quite different than romantic partners. As an introvert, I've lived very happily with housemates that were friendly but distant. A live-in romantic partner expects and deserves quite a bit more attention. I don't find that suspect.
posted by studioaudience at 3:35 PM on October 1, 2017 [4 favorites]
Just a note that housemate relationships can be quite different than romantic partners. As an introvert, I've lived very happily with housemates that were friendly but distant. A live-in romantic partner expects and deserves quite a bit more attention. I don't find that suspect.
posted by studioaudience at 3:35 PM on October 1, 2017 [4 favorites]
I need a lot of alone time, but I also hated having to schedule time to see my boyfriend. We ended up getting a place together that has 2 apartments, so we each have our own living space. It's really great! two entire apartments is pretty expensive though, but maybe you guys could swing a 2 bedroom place together so that he still has his own part of the house o retreat to if he needs alone time?
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 11:13 PM on October 1, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 11:13 PM on October 1, 2017 [2 favorites]
I am a person who needs a ton of alone time (like, when partner and I moved in together ~4 years in which was still probably sooner than I would have if rental situations hadn't forced it, my one non negotiable was room of my own that is 100% mine and only my stuff is there and if I am in there recharging my loner self you basically do not interrupt me unless the house is on fire. ) And it would never in a million years occur to me to have my partner join me for a random day or two in the middle of a work trip unless it was some sort of once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
But all of that said, that works because my partner's needs are not precisely matched to but at least sort of in line with mine, and because we've done a ton of communicating about it and compromising from both sides about how to make our shared life work for both of us. We absolutely make plans in advance and schedule things to do together, and we communicate when we're apart in ways that work for both of us. It's possible to do. But it requires work and buy-in and active interest in making those compromises from both people. And it doesn't sound like he's able or willing to meet you partway on this one; you're starting from places too far apart.
I'm sure he's sweet and kind and lovely, but it also sounds like you two are fundamentally incompatible in this way. You just want very different things. There are people out there who are sweet and kind and lovely and will want to spend time with you as much as you do with them, plus or minus a reasonable amount of difference that you can work out without tying yourself into knots like this. I'm so sorry, but I think it's time to rock the boat. This warrants a real conversation about your differences, what you want, what he wants, and whether the two of you can both happily live in or near the overlap. If not, you both need to know sooner than later so you can part on good terms and move on to a better fit.
posted by Stacey at 6:55 AM on October 2, 2017 [2 favorites]
But all of that said, that works because my partner's needs are not precisely matched to but at least sort of in line with mine, and because we've done a ton of communicating about it and compromising from both sides about how to make our shared life work for both of us. We absolutely make plans in advance and schedule things to do together, and we communicate when we're apart in ways that work for both of us. It's possible to do. But it requires work and buy-in and active interest in making those compromises from both people. And it doesn't sound like he's able or willing to meet you partway on this one; you're starting from places too far apart.
I'm sure he's sweet and kind and lovely, but it also sounds like you two are fundamentally incompatible in this way. You just want very different things. There are people out there who are sweet and kind and lovely and will want to spend time with you as much as you do with them, plus or minus a reasonable amount of difference that you can work out without tying yourself into knots like this. I'm so sorry, but I think it's time to rock the boat. This warrants a real conversation about your differences, what you want, what he wants, and whether the two of you can both happily live in or near the overlap. If not, you both need to know sooner than later so you can part on good terms and move on to a better fit.
posted by Stacey at 6:55 AM on October 2, 2017 [2 favorites]
My partner and I have been together nearly 7 years. We still live separately and treasure that. The difference here is that this is not what you want. And that's OK. But if you want a partner who wants to live with you, and someone who wants to make plans with you, your current partner is not the person for you. I'm sorry. They have made it clear that your wishes, and the things that are important to you in a relationship, are not their priority. I hope that you find someone who wants the same things that you do. <3
posted by fiercecupcake at 9:01 AM on October 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by fiercecupcake at 9:01 AM on October 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
« Older Wanted: tiny camera for great baby photos | Need specific recommendations for cleaning service... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by amro at 4:42 AM on October 1, 2017 [23 favorites]