How do I quit talking like a valley girl?

January 24, 2006 11:11 AM

white girl ebonics filter: How can I learn to quit talking like a valley girl?

I am in my 30's and just started a highly specialized post graduate school program where I am required to speak, give presentations and sometimes teach, which isn't too much of a problem. I've mostly conquered a fear of public speaking, however, when I start feeling comfortable, I start channeling Spicolli. I have a tendency to use the word "like" entirely too frequently. Even more embarrasingly, I use words like 'dude,' 'totally,' 'super' and 'cool' more than I would like. I have reason to believe that I sound like a moron when I speak. I've spent the last 15 years working cubicle farm jobs where I didn't have to talk pretty.

I look a lot younger than I am. The combination of looking like a kid and talking like a kid is beginning to have the result of me not getting taken seriously. I know I am not the only person in my demographic to have this issue.

What can I do to start speaking like a civilized, intelligent adult? I already know about Toastmasters, but am lukewarm to the idea of joining (my local group is full of evangelical former co-workers who are hellbent on me joining their church).

posted by tinaguppie to education (29 comments total)

Speak more slowly. Think about where a sentence is going before speaking. You may seem a little overly deliberate for a while, but you'll be better gramatically and enunciate better as a bonus.
posted by mikeh at 11:17 AM on January 24, 2006

Maybe you could enlist some friends to help you.

When I was in elementary school I had a pretty bad lisp and a few annoying speech patterns (lots of "y'knows" and "likes"). My speech therapist helped me with the lisp by doing a lot of basic "ace ees eyes ohs oos" exercises, and she helped me with the tics by spending part of our session just chatting with me and calling me on them.

"I really liked Star Wars. It had spaceships, y'know?"

"No. I didn't know that."

over and over and over. She wasn't abusive or snotty about it ... she just reminded me of what I was trying to say and how the embellishments I was adding might obfuscate what I was trying to say.

Eventually it sank in, and sank in better than the teacher who'd just taken to saying "y'know y'know y'know!" in a sort of minah bird voice when I irritated her. Maybe your friends could provide the same sort of active, responsive listening?
posted by mph at 11:26 AM on January 24, 2006

I used to say "yeah, but" all the time. My Dad mockingly threatened to smack me with a newspaper every time I did it in conversation, just to give some idea of how out of hand it was.

Although you know you "like", it's good to listen to yourself do it and count the frequency, say, in a minute. To realise how prevalent it is in your speech. I think Mikeh's got it, too. Listen to yourself in real time. The delay is really worth it if you're putting your audience off by your mannerisms.
posted by sagwalla at 11:28 AM on January 24, 2006

If it's really a problem, there are voice coaches in major cities that serve actors. But really, it's all about word choices. Try reading a newspaper article out loud so you can hear what it sounds like to be making entirely different word choices. You can also experiment by practicing alone with speaking with different accents, which tend to focus your word choices (I dare you to sound like a Valley Girl with a formal British accent).

But honestly ... I'd embrace it rather than try to run from it. People like people that sound relaxed.
posted by frogan at 11:36 AM on January 24, 2006

How far are you from a different Toastmasters group?
posted by Kickstart70 at 11:37 AM on January 24, 2006

Ditto what mph said.

Where I work, when I first started, some co-workers and I had to get some training, then make a brief presentation. During our dry-runs, one guy (an older engineer, stickler about spelling and language) would simply count the number of times we said "uh", "um", "er", "y'know", "like", etc. It was startling. But it made me slow down and think before I let the words spill out.
posted by ObscureReferenceMan at 11:37 AM on January 24, 2006

I find people who speak naturally, tics and all, endearing. However, I'm probably not in your target audience.
posted by callmejay at 11:46 AM on January 24, 2006

Whenever I read more academic materials, that helps me form my vocabulary. Maybe there are things that you could start reading related to your studies that could prepare you?
posted by _zed_ at 11:47 AM on January 24, 2006

I have a similar issue, and I've noticed that my style of speaking tends to adapt to the group that I'm with. I speak one way, and use one type of words, with friends versus at work.

So you may notice that your speech naturally becomes more "professional" and "educated" sounding when you're around your new colleagues.

I think mikeh has it right - speak more slowly for awhile. I wouldn't get too hung up on it, but try to be conscious of it.

Congrats on entering the new program!
posted by KAS at 11:48 AM on January 24, 2006

Try taping yourself. then listen to it. It will help you hear what you're saying much better. Then you can start trying to improve it.

Once you've done that, try to simply pause instead of inserting whatever filler word you tend to fall back on (e.g. "like").

I used to teach for a living and did the same thing you did for a while until I got some help from other instructors. The extra benefit of learning to pause is that it makes you sound thoughtful instead of, like, dippy, ya'know?
posted by GuyZero at 12:04 PM on January 24, 2006

Coming from an entirely different background (I am a Glaswegian Scot) I have also experienced difficulties in speaking to groups because people hear the delivery (thick accent) before the content. I got over it by speaking more clearly and more deliberately than I would have normally. It feels stilted at first but you soon click and get going. Remember that most people modify their language when speaking to groups and as they become more comfortable head back to their natural talking style only slightly accentuated towards a public speaking rather than a conversational tone.
posted by ClanvidHorse at 12:17 PM on January 24, 2006

Seconding "Think about where a sentence is going before speaking." In conversation, you hold your place with various filler (I was really bad with "uhhhh") that you can and should totally ditch when presenting; the difference is that noone will jump in, thinking it's their turn. If you have to stop for four seconds in the middle of a sentence, do it; it's way better than "uhhhhhhh..."* (OP: what GuyZero said)

When you practice, tape-record yourself, and listen in horror.

*Incidentally, the "uhh" placeholder is different in other languages. Frenchmen think that "uh" is hilarious, but they have their own tics (which really are hilarious).

white girl ebonics filter
ivorics?
posted by Aknaton at 12:20 PM on January 24, 2006

Find a friend, read Jane Austen novels out loud to each other. Look up each and every unfamiliar word.

It's fun, your vocabulary will improve, and the long words will slow down your speech.
posted by Araucaria at 12:24 PM on January 24, 2006

You know, Toastmasters isn't all about the local established club. If you don't like the local club, get the books from the national club and get some friends to listen to you and evaluate you based upon the criteria in the book. What you need is structured practice.

Taping yourself is also a good advice. See if you can borrow a video camera from the school. Tape yourself giving the speech once through, NO STOPPING ALLOWED, and then sit down and watch it. Wash, rinse, repeat until you're satisfied with the result. Then do it again the next weekend with a different speech. You can also try doing impromptu - have someone give you a topic and talk about it for a set amount of time.

If there's a local community college, you might also look into taking a Public Speaking class. The one I had at my community college was ROUGH. The professor would videotape your speeches, and the class was set up as follows:
Class 1) Intro & Skills
Class 2) Introduction Speech
Class 3) Individual evaluations with the professor out in the hallway, watching the videotapes and listening to him pick you apart, while the TA did more skills stuff in the classroom.
... repeat that every week.
posted by SpecialK at 12:28 PM on January 24, 2006

Oh, and in someone who looks young -- I have the same issue, incurable baby-face -- a pause before speaking is not necessarily a bad thing. It shows that you're considering what they've said and you're formulating your thoughts.
posted by SpecialK at 12:30 PM on January 24, 2006

Do this: ask all your friends to audibly smack their palm on the tabletop (or another nearby surface) every time they hear you say a word on your 'valley' list. This works, and is really effective in a week's time. It's an exercise I learned in a communications class as a college undergrad.
posted by blindcarboncopy at 12:46 PM on January 24, 2006

Just follow up SpecialK, my wife has the same "eternal youth" problem - when she was 21 she was almost thrown out of a bar in the US (Boston) because the security guy decided her passport was a fake, she was asked for IDs to enter movies until the 30's and recently she couldn't sign her (minor, 20 years younger) sister college enrollment papers because the person in charge also decided she wasn't old enough to be responsible for a 17 year old. She found out that that dressing severely (as in bank executive, lawyer, Condolezza Rice) on occasion (specially when she have to give presentations, specially if to a new/unknown audience) helps a lot - people take the clothes for a hint and stop noticing she appears to be their daughter.
posted by nkyad at 12:57 PM on January 24, 2006

seconding the tape recording and the slowing down. As was mentioned above, these words and sounds are fillers. They make you sound like you haven't put much (or any) thought into was is coming out of your mouth. Know your topic inside out and upside down and be confident, those are the best ways to keep these things from coming out. good luck.
posted by bilabial at 1:13 PM on January 24, 2006

I used to learn by rote whole passages from Jane Austen, or any specialist writer in my field and give myself the same lecture in front of the mirror or in the car on the way to work. DO NOT listen to radio, DO NOt talk on the phone, try listening to a CD of a favorite novel, where you really like the style of presentation.
I came from what would in USian language be called a "white-trash" background and when I lectured in Ireland I had to really make an effort to be taken seriously. Slow, deliberate delivery once I had immersed myself in Austen worked a treat.
Good luck
posted by Wilder at 1:25 PM on January 24, 2006

I'm male, but have dealt with similar issues. I have a relatively high-power job, but look young.

I improved the language portion of the problem by making a point to expose myself to more well-spoken English. Nothing involved, but now I listen to A Way with Words, well-written Audiobooks, and I make a conscious effort to screen my speech for filler words.
posted by I Love Tacos at 1:26 PM on January 24, 2006

Speech is not an island. The way one talks tends to be linked to one's culture. Do (or did) most of your friends speak Valley?

Try immersing yourself in another culture. I think the "read Jane Austen" people have it right, but such tactics will only take you so far if Austen (or whatever more-sophisticated role-model you choose) is an isolated unit in your life. You'll get better results if you hurl yourself into a new culture -- if you let yourself sink into it. Read books by Jonathan Ames, P.G. Wodehouse, John Updike. Watch Whit Stillman movies. I'm sure people here can come up with other suggestions. Try to make it fun. You're playing a game to see if you can be an undercover agent in a country club.
posted by grumblebee at 1:57 PM on January 24, 2006

They have classes for speech. A woman I once dated was from rural Louisiana and she wanted to be a television news person. She spent time in the speech lab every day for four years and she spoke impeccably. When I met her mom and her sister I had an extremely difficult time understanding them.
posted by bukvich at 2:24 PM on January 24, 2006

Rehearse. Pretend you're the Queen of England. Play that character.
posted by orthogonality at 2:56 PM on January 24, 2006

Two suggestions to read/speak Jane Austen's writings. How amiable, as Lizzie described Fitzwilliam Darcy.
posted by Cranberry at 3:46 PM on January 24, 2006

Thank you for all of the excellent suggestions. I was afraid that everyone would tell me to take a speech class or join Toastmasters, so I especially appreciate the alternative ideas.

The ironic thing is, I have what I consider to be a pretty good vocabulary thanks to an extended stint as an English Literature student in undergrad. I'm well-read, have traveled to other countries and can hold my weight in a proper intelligent conversation. It's just that when I speak, I sound like an 18 year surfer chick. What's funny is that the majority of my peers speak exactly like I do, so it feels natural to slip into the established speaking patterns.
posted by tinaguppie at 5:54 PM on January 24, 2006

I used to say "um" and "like" a lot, and while I still sometimes have thoughts of joining Toastmasters just for the hell of it, I managed to get the worst of it out on my own.

For me, the key was to think before I speak, and listen while I speak. As far as "um" goes, look at it this way -- saying "um" is meaningless filler, and you don't want your speech to sounds like meaningless filler. Instead, you probably want it to sounds intelligent, and well thought out. Replace "um" with silence. A few seconds of silence can actually give the exact opposite impression that "um" does.

The word "like" is similar. Instead of replacing it with silence, though, just eliminate it entirely. And I mean entirely -- see how long you can go without saying the word at all. Don't say "I like that hat," or "it looks like rain," or even "what would you like for dinner?" Not only will you become increasingly aware of how often you say "like" -- which will help you avoid it -- but removing the word entirely will help you think about your speech more, and exercise your vocabulary and grammar.

Exercises like that can be interesting anyway. Get a "word a day" calendar. At the end of each week, pick one of the words that came up, and see how many times you can use it in conversation the next week (and make it natural, don't force it). Want a starter? Try "eschew."

The point of these isn't so much to eliminate bad behavior right away, but to make yourself more aware of your personal choices for wording and grammar.
posted by CrayDrygu at 6:17 PM on January 24, 2006

Record it and replay it. Or have a friend tick it for you. When I started teaching courses I had someone audit them and that's when I found out I said "okay" 50 times in a 45 minute lecture. I guess I was looking for affirmation. Once you find that out you conciously make an effort to stop doing it. It took me a while, but I got over it.
posted by furtive at 8:26 PM on January 24, 2006

Several of the suggestions (ie "read to improve your vocabulary") from other members are - while I'm sure they're well-meaning - kind of beside the point.

I'm fairly well-read and an acceptable vocabulary, but I still talk like a kid, so this is something I'm working on too. I have to talk on the phone a lot at my job and I find myself constantly saying things like "totally" in mid-conversation, which isn't necessarily rude, but tends to make people question my competence (which is high).

I haven't resorted to taping myself - though it is good advice - but I think the best thing you can do is be conscious of it and speak slowly, as people have advised. And practice! If I have to give an academic presentation, I run through it a few times, both for time and to make sure I don't stumble or lapse into "totally," or worse, laughing at my own jokes.
posted by SoftRain at 8:27 PM on January 24, 2006

I'd embrace it rather than try to run from it. People like people that sound relaxed.

No, no, no, no, no. People who talk the way tinaguppie describes sound like idiots. I don't mean they are idiots—I've heard people who are obviously extremely intelligent talk that way—but I have to consciously force myself to get past the Valley Girl sound and concentrate on the meaning. And I'm a very tolerant guy; I think a lot of people wouldn't bother struggling against appearances but would just assume the speaker was an idiot. Congratulations on making the effort; aside from the other recommendations, try to spend some time talking with older people whose speech you admire, and try to emulate them. You'll appreciate all the effort you put in when you can listen to a tape of yourself without flinching.
posted by languagehat at 6:05 AM on January 25, 2006