Please honey, I'm *trying* (Its just that I'm a bit dense)

January 24, 2006 8:09 AM

Please share your best ideas on showing the man/woman/etc. in your life that you love them, day-in day-out.

My wife is GORGEOUS. I'm not the only one who thinks so. I fought hard to wrest her from the eternal abyss of notbeingwithme and win her. I Love her dearly. I have, throughout our 4 years of dating and now our year and a half of marriage, come up with many fantastic large-scale surprises and delightful enjoyments that have both made her swoon and have fallen flatly deflated at our feet, as we laughed at my silliness. But now I am realizing {read as "she is making it clear -in the unspoken way that women are initiated upon marriage into using -that..."} I am not holding up my part of the daily bargin:

That is, letting her know how sexy *I think* she is, as the person i am sharing my daily life with. I don't need to sky-write it in 30 foot letters over her office, I just need to ... well that's where i get lost...

I've already read through this link (http://ask.metafilter.com/mefi/22967) regarding helping your wife feel sexy. But my lady is at a high point right now in the sexy-o-meter and its me that needs to catch up with her.
I am interested in the little daily things that can be done to build a solid foundation of intense infuriating infatuating desire upon which the two of us can float away into our fantasies. Any suggestions from the best things you've said/been said to you, to little rituals you two share that are deeply meaningful and intimate-between-souls. I know that these things are very idiosyncratic to particualr people and relationships, but I feel like a barren desert in need of a (b)rainstorm here.

posted by iurodivii to human relations (36 comments total)

God, I love a random sexy e-mails at work in the middle of the day. You know "I'm sitting here thinking about you and remembering last weekend when...." followed by some really sexy high point. "Can't wait to get home and see you tonight." This does wonders.
posted by Miko at 8:16 AM on January 24, 2006

The beauty of talking dirty in the sack is that you communicate it's not only your body which is aroused but your senses and mind as well. Maybe "dirty" isn't right for you, but something more articulate than "Uhh! Baby! Uhh!" is more convincing and more salient.

Imagine her alone, pondering the question of whether you enjoyed your last coitus. It's easier to remember specific things you may have said than to remember how passionately you were thrusting. It's hard to tell from what you've wrote, but your wife may be the kind of person who enjoys some ego-stroking. You clearly think the world of her, so the door is open to all degrees of praise and adoration, and hyperbole may not be a concern. You've got lots of room to work.
posted by scarabic at 8:32 AM on January 24, 2006

Try thoughtful little surprises, like bringing home the latest issue of her favourite magazine or the new CD by her favourite group or that specific thing she mentioned she wanted.

And don't underestimate the power of simply doing the basics. I have a lot of married friends who are thrilled to find the dishes done when they get home. Make sure you do your share of the housework, and that you do it well. Make sure you keep promises you make, that you pick up your underwear, that you're punctual when you agree to meet her anywhere, that if you use her car you fill up the gas tank. Left undone, these things can really erode a relationship. She deserves the same level of respect and consideration you'd show to a co-worker, and with daily contact it's so easy to get careless about such courtesies.
posted by orange swan at 8:34 AM on January 24, 2006

Is it that she wants to know you find her sexy, or that she wants you to show her that you love her? They're related, but slightly different. (And if she wants the latter, she might get turned off by too much of the former.)
posted by occhiblu at 8:37 AM on January 24, 2006

What scarabic said. The words.
posted by Miko at 8:37 AM on January 24, 2006

Leave little notes in her purse. Drives chicks wild, trust me.
posted by saladin at 8:38 AM on January 24, 2006

Words are indeed your friend. Something as simple as complimenting her appearance -- it needn't be lascivious, unless you're in the mood, just telling her that she looks beautiful or that her ass looks damn fine in those pants. Just remind her that you see a woman when you look at her, something you want to fill your senses with.

When I hug and kiss on my wife, I often comment on how good she smells. If she's warm, I let myself sink in a bit deeper. If she's cold, I'll grab her tight and make some comment about getting her warm. Yeah, it's kind of cheesy, but it's immediate and pulls you closer through the senses. Never fails.

I like the random dirty e-mails idea, if you're not worried about work monitoring or would have to write it in leetspeak to get around filters. "Baby I want to (u|\/| on your 7175" might not really do much for her. ;)
posted by middleclasstool at 8:50 AM on January 24, 2006

I have another one. Talk about her proudly to other people, both when she's there and when she's not there. I don't mean in an obvious way; but I can remember a few times when, at a party or a dinner or something, my ear caught my SO saying something really great about me and his feelings for me to someone else, not knowing I was listening. It's a real charge to hear someone openly saying how much they enjoy your company, how proud they are of you and your accomplishments, and how happy and lucky they consider themselves to be with you. I wouldn't suggest you stage this, just be open with the world about your good opinion of her. She'll notice.

Another thing -- in social settings like that, it's very hot to be involved in separate conversations and be across the room, but look over at your SO and catch them giving you an intense, steamy, smoldering gaze for no reason at all.

I guess it's all about attention -- letting her bask in the glow of your eyes and mind focusing on her.
posted by Miko at 8:53 AM on January 24, 2006

middleclasstool: Yeah, I stick to the web mail for these kinds of messages. Good point.
posted by Miko at 8:54 AM on January 24, 2006

good, no, Great stuff so far.

occhiblu: I feel confident that she knows I love her dearly, its the sexy thing. I might take it for granted, i'm not sure, but i think that's a good summary of the issue.

She is recently completing a diet/cleansing program (yes we are of the organic persuasion) and has lost some weight and feels vibrant and very high right now. I want to feed that feeling she is on. But all i can say is that I haven't even noticed that she lost the weight. Its true, i just flat-out think she's wonderful and she's never been anywhere near overweight; so in all honesty I haven't noticed that she has shed pounds! But she is a water polo player, big, strong (really sexy shoulders, i've told her about that many a time) and tough in a she-can-handle herself way--and i think that makes her bodily-self-conscious.

Notes in the purse, random emails, talking dirty, these are the things dreams are made of! keep them com-, flo-, er keep it up!
posted by iurodivii at 8:56 AM on January 24, 2006

Touch her, even if it's not explicitly sexual (or doesn't start out that way). If I get a back massage after a hard day, I melt like butta. Some women prefer getting their feet rubbed, or their neck, or their hands.

Kiss her when you go past. She's at the dining room table working on something, and you're just heading through the room on the way to the kitchen? Kiss her. Or instead of kissing her, trail your hand along her shoulder, or play with her hair, or whatever you guys prefer. (That said, if she's working on something you could help with . . . that'd also be nice.)

I also want to second everything orange swan said. For some guys, it seems like the big things matter more than the little things. But I don't think I know a woman who wouldn't be pleasantly surprised by little things -- it's as simple as helping her with dishes if you don't usually, or bringing home flowers (occasionally, and not the biggest bunch in the store), or shoveling her car out before she even realizes it.
posted by booksandlibretti at 8:56 AM on January 24, 2006

Respect her, let he know how much you respect every aspect of her, not just her looks, be nice, be helpful in advance of her requests, try to see the world through her eyes and give her what she would need and want to feel secure and satisfied, be her best friend. Words are great and necessary, but actions really do speak louder than words.
posted by caddis at 9:00 AM on January 24, 2006

Whenever she walks within a couple of feet of you, demand a hug.
posted by Aknaton at 9:03 AM on January 24, 2006

The random note has been a winner since time immemorial. The key is that you have to ask yourself what it is that you like about her and find most attractive. Then put it in the note. Don't forget non-physical or je n'sais quoi elements. There is much in the general physical movement of the women I've cared about that needed pointing out.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:09 AM on January 24, 2006

In that case: Flirt with her. Don't treat her like you've already "won" her. You say that you fought a hard battle to get her, so you've obviously got the skills down -- use them. What did you do at the beginning of your relationship to convince her that you were special, and that you wanted her? Start doing that again.
posted by occhiblu at 9:09 AM on January 24, 2006

Read up on "the five love languages." Some folks need gifts, some need words, some need hugs, some need chores done. That sort of thing.

And don't just grab her when the hormones are rising. Affection unconnected with sexuality has a power all its own-it communicates that you love HER, not just get turned ON by her. (not that there's anything wrond with the latter, of course.)
posted by konolia at 9:17 AM on January 24, 2006

But now I am realizing {read as "she is making it clear -in the unspoken way that women are initiated upon marriage into using -that..."} I am not holding up my part of the daily bargin:

You sound happy and that's great, but I'm wondering if you're working too hard at this i.e. have you asked what sort of things she would ike?
posted by anonpeon at 9:21 AM on January 24, 2006

No one single act works. It is little surprises and consistency. Something I always try to do is, when she has the night out, I fly through the house cleaning everything I can: dishes, laundry, vacuuming...and with an 8 month old and 4 year old, that can be tough, for both of us.

Further, something I mentioned is giving her the night out to do things that help her feel sexy. She gets two nights of Pilates and a yoga outing each week, plus massages, acupuncture, physical therapy as she needs it. She can go out and visit with friends. She came out of a relationship that was very limiting in the sense of her freedoms, so I try to keep opportunities open to her all the time so she can pursue her dreams. That is key!
posted by mic stand at 9:55 AM on January 24, 2006

Konolia has it right -- check out The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman. It will teach you how to pinpoint the specific language she speaks and interprets as expression of love. In the same way that a sly wink, a sensuous whisper or a strategic grasp might get the gears achurnin' for guys, this will radar-in on what exactly gets her gears agrinding simply by the things you've noticed about her.

I read the whole book in less than a day -- it's a pretty quick and easy read, but I wouldn't advise skipping ahead sections. Chances are it'll also help you figure out how to keep in good with the in-laws, parents, siblings and friends in the standard non-mate kinds of love, also.
posted by vanoakenfold at 10:05 AM on January 24, 2006

I have to speak as someone whose marriage has reached a point where sex is much less important than it used to be (not all marriages reach this point, don't despair!)... but I tell my wife I love her ever single day, at least once (I actually SAY THE WORDS. Never assume she knows). I kiss or hug or at least touch her every chance I get. I hold hands with her at random times. When she's in the recliner and I walk by, I tweak her big toe. The most important thing is to not take her, or her knowledge of your love for her, for granted. As I said above, don't assume!
posted by lhauser at 10:09 AM on January 24, 2006

Whenever she walks within a couple of feet of you, demand a hug.

Be good at reading her, though. I've annoyed my wife by doing this when she was feeling touchy or PMS-y and wanted to Get Things Done. The hugs are constant interruptions under such circumstances. Be sure to avoid doing this if it seems like you might be getting underfoot. But lots of physical contact is good, natch. Random, brief lovin' is nearly always welcome.

Third konolia's suggestion. It's a good book that helps you sort of categorize how you each desire and show love. Much common ground can be found if you both read it.
posted by middleclasstool at 10:25 AM on January 24, 2006

Be very conscious of how you touch her--not just sexually, but to convey your love/respect/intimacy every time you pass each other at home: touch the back of her earlobe, hollows of clavicles, soft underside-of-arm skin, backs of knees.
posted by soviet sleepover at 10:26 AM on January 24, 2006

If you're both the type (you with a talent for writing little poems, she with the heart to find little poems romantic), write her a little love poem on a regular basis.
I have given my woman a little notebook and try to write her that little poem as often as I can. It works!
posted by ollsen at 10:40 AM on January 24, 2006

My husband touches me. A lot. Hugs and cuddles and kisses, sure, plus I get looks and intimate touches just when walking by. And he tells me I'm beautiful/sexy/lovely fairly often, makes appreciative noises, that sort of thing. I love it.

Connected to this is the less physical aspect, just as important. He pays attention to me, is aware of how I feel and what is on my mind. He listens, asks questions. He doesn't do big romantic gestures; instead, he does countless little things every day that add up to so much more: comes home with a rose or chocolate if I've had a bad day, finds ways to make me more comfortable, takes a turn cooking dinner, brings a glass of water... endless little considerations. It's the attention and affection that make me feel not just loved, but truly important and, yes, attractive to him.

He gives this freely, and as a person who's never experienced anything like this, I feel awfully spoiled. He calls it "lavished." I do my best to return it.

We've been married for almost five years, and have a good, strong relationship.
posted by moira at 10:47 AM on January 24, 2006

One day I got in my car to find an unexpected love note from my husband on the steering wheel. That was sweet. Then, when I turned the car on "Let's Get It On" blared from the CD player. That was genius.
posted by jrossi4r at 10:56 AM on January 24, 2006

Oh, and ollsen's poem suggestion- My husband has written poems to me, as well, and it is wonderful. One in particular makes me smile to this day. I was at my boss's lab computer, burning chips, when I thought to multi-task by checking my e-mail and seeing if there was anything I could follow up on right there. Up popped a four line poem from my husband. It was hot. As I quickly scanned it, I turned bright red and glanced over my shoulder to make sure I was alone, then smacked Outlook down. I spent the rest of the day with a perma-grin.
posted by moira at 10:56 AM on January 24, 2006

Kiss the small of her back. Her wrist. The back of her neck. Sneak up, push aside what needs to be pushed aside, kiss and then walk away. It's an incredible high to get that little sugar drop of affection for no reason, out of nowhere, except you wanted to give it.
posted by headspace at 11:32 AM on January 24, 2006

Do not neglect the little and obvious stuff! Things like flowers (or better yet, a blooming live plant) or simply bringing her morning coffee shows you care. Do not neglect judicious hugs/kisses and yes, saying you love her. Take her on an old-fashioned date. Cook now and then.
posted by ilsa at 12:06 PM on January 24, 2006

I do the dates, I do the flowers, I've written more poems than I've spoken words (though i've let it lapse). I think its the touching...the random hugs, the quick kisses, the sultry glances that she is pining for. God I wish she'd just tell me what she wants (and i only say that because i do try)!!!!!

But that doesn't mean stop with the suggestions!
posted by iurodivii at 12:22 PM on January 24, 2006

Why are you (or she) making this such a mind-reading competition? *Ask* her what she wants, or at least the types of things she wants.
posted by occhiblu at 12:30 PM on January 24, 2006

Since we're also bringing up books here, I'm going to plug Gottman's 7 Principles. It's not specifically about love languages or the sexy thing, though they are addressed in their own way. It gives a broader, more rounded approach to what is important to focus on and what is important to avoid. It's very informative and useful.
posted by moira at 12:33 PM on January 24, 2006

...all i can say is that I haven't even noticed that she lost the weight. Its true, i just flat-out think she's wonderful and she's never been anywhere near overweight; so in all honesty I haven't noticed that she has shed pounds!

Iurodivil, I think you should give yourself a pat on the back, then look more closely at your wife's own inner dynamics when it comes to feeling sexy for clues about how to better your relationship. The fact that you are ignorant of her minor weight fluctuations is a credit to you, proof that your vision of her as a sexy woman has more to do with her whole being than her physical beauty. And that should make any woman feel like a million bucks. I've been in relationships with men who have loved my looks. My current boyfriend wouldn't notice if I grew a tail -- he is turned on by me as a woman, whether I'm having a fat day or haven't taken a shower or whatever. And THAT makes me feel sexy and desirable and free to explore my sexuality with him, more than I ever imagined possible.

It seems that you sense that your wife wants you to "make her feel" more. More what? More of everything that we all want -- that we're desirable and exciting and loved and wanted. Unfortunately, the realities of marraige and cohabitating make it nearly impossible to sustain these feelings day in and day out. Hey, somebody's got to take out the garbage and clean the toilet. And that ain't sexy. No matter how hard you work at it, iurodivil, there will be times in which she will have to accept that you can't rescue her from the mundane. You could discuss that with her, and express your sincere desire to please her all the time and your frustration that it's just not always going to be possible. She may also have her own things going on, as far as self-esteem and body image (you mentioned something about that). Most of us do. You can't fix that, you can only support her journey and love her.

That said, I think that the best thing that you can do to make her feel both loved and sexy is to communicate with her, often and on a deep, intimate level. Women (and maybe just all people) long to be heard, to be known and loved and accepted wholly. Over-the-top romantic gestures certainly have their place, and they can be charming and delightful, but you can't make yourself crazy trying to create that kind of romance all the time. Even if you did, it would eventually cancel itself out, become the "norm", and you'd be left trying to top yourself again.

Try talking to her about her recent fasting efforts, how she feels in her body, what losing a few pounds and cleansing her system means to her and how it makes her feel. Ask her what you could do to help her sustain the "high" she gets from doing these things. You could rub her neck or her feet while having this conversation, to help her focus more on the sensation of being in her body, so that she tunes in to both herself and your touch. I can't speak for all women, but there's nothing like feeling deeply understood and connected to my partner to help me open up and let the sexual energy flow.

Mostly, you're sincerely interested in pleasing her, and what woman could ask for more than that? Good luck!
posted by wetpaint at 1:26 PM on January 24, 2006

A hug and a kiss every morning and every night. Saying "I love you" every morning and every night.

Reaching out to hold hands every so often when you're together.

It's the simple things that count.
posted by KRS at 3:04 PM on January 24, 2006

This thread is useless without pics!

Now that that's out of the way, even something simple like a note on the mirror with dry-erase, or a polaroid with a quick message on it of you together or something silly... just convey how enthused you are that you've landed her, and how amazing she looks.

Also, print this thread out, or at least your question. You get the point across well, and while it's not subtle, sometimes it shouldn't be. It will let her know that you truly, deeply feel this way and want her to know it.
posted by disillusioned at 5:17 PM on January 24, 2006

moira mentioned cooking for her upthread, and I think it bears emphasis. When I was still single, cooking for a woman meant guaranteed sex. The emphasis changes a little after you go into serious relationship/marriage territory -- an element of comfort and (I think) security comes into the picture -- but still, most women find men who can cook, especially those who can cook things they haven't tried before, very sexy.

Your wife will feel like her man's taking care of her, the culinary equivalent of a hug, a foot massage, and a slow, soft kiss all rolled into one. Particularly if you occasionally do it up right with something other than basic vittles, a good bottle of wine and some good music and candlelight and -- I think this is the important part -- for no reason at all.

I think you'll also find out how gratifying it is for you, making a meal for someone else. And even if you don't make a production out of it, but just occasionally announce that you're cooking dinner so she doesn't have to and you don't have to order pizza for the thousandth time, she'll be delighted.

All this of course assuming that you don't already cook for her. I may be preaching to the choir. If not, I can recommend recipes if you e-mail me her tastes. I've got yards of cookbooks around here, and of course the internet is brimming with good stuff.
posted by middleclasstool at 6:09 PM on January 24, 2006

i really like it when my boyfriend really sees me. where i turn and i see he's been smiling just at being able to look at my face. i love that.

i actually fell in love the hardest once with someone based entirely on the way he'd look at me across rooms. it still makes me shiver, to sound all romance novel here. (smirk) but really, it did.

sometimes the ways that can't be articulated or transposed are the most touching.

i like soviet sleepover's thing about how you touch too--i never cared much for being groped randomly or smothered in a bear hug when i was making a bee line for the kitchen to Get Things Done etc...but to be explored, to have someone want to know my elbows and shoulder blades and curve of the back and collarbone--yes. it goes back to what others said about it being about conveying that you enjoy the experience of being with her in terms of your senses. that kind of wonder people who've just fallen in love still have for each other--that way the entire body says "wow! i can't believe you're here to smell, look at, touch, think about!" when it's all so new and exciting. boyish enthusiasm, you know.

and i think it's equal opportunity. it feels good to watch my partner, and smell him, and touch him too. so wonderful.

and ditto the little things. i was never into the showy stuff i guess women are supposed to stereotypically like like plane tickets and jewelry and fancy dining reservations. if i came home to my partner making me some tea because i'd called and said i'd had a rough day, or to clean dishes, i'd be very touched. or if i woke up one saturday to him eager to take me to that flea market that i mentioned offhand intrigued me a week ago, etc. knowing each other, wanting to make each other smile like that, y'know. knowing each other and showing you do and that knowing makes you glad, there's still no substitute for that.
posted by ifjuly at 10:47 AM on January 25, 2006