Mystery Sexy Theater 3000
September 20, 2017 10:16 PM   Subscribe

I've been invited to a bad erotica reading. I need ridiculous erotica!

Basically, I need erotica that would turn up on MST3K if MST3K were about reading erotica.

It needs to be a) in the same zipcode as sexy, b) inept, c) have spirit and d) make drunks with low senses of humor laugh.

This is a fantastic example of what I'm looking for (and you should listen to it anyway if you're not at work, it's hilarious)

Other ridiculous sexy-adjacent stuff could work too, like old-timey marriage manuals or fundy how-to-not-masturbate texts. Sexy fanfic would be great for this.
posted by Sauce Trough to Media & Arts (22 answers total) 24 users marked this as a favorite
 
My friend, I have been told that there us a site called literotica.com that is nicely categorized, has a decent search engine, uses tags, and starred rankings including number ratings from zero to five. So I have been told.
posted by jadepearl at 10:22 PM on September 20, 2017 [12 favorites]




At any bad erotica potluck somebody's gotta bring the Chuck Tingle. Maybe it's you? Also potentially of interest is Belinda Blinked, which is such monumentally bad erotica that the author's son was able to parlay reading it into a long-running and hilarious podcast.
posted by contraption at 10:36 PM on September 20, 2017 [7 favorites]


Just try to dramatically read any of the 50 Shades of Whatever novels out loud. It's awful writing that began as Twilight fanfic.
posted by erst at 10:59 PM on September 20, 2017 [2 favorites]


I'd be very tempted to bring something from the consentacles fanfic tag.
posted by restless_nomad at 10:59 PM on September 20, 2017


(also nthing the Chuck Tingle because oh my dog it is amazing -- perhaps "Gay T-Rex Law Firm," "Space Raptor Butt Invasion," or "Pounded in the Butt by My Own Butt"?)
posted by erst at 11:01 PM on September 20, 2017 [1 favorite]


If ridiculous-on-purpose is acceptable, there's A Gronking to Remember.
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:17 AM on September 21, 2017 [1 favorite]


25 years ago, Madonna published a book called Sex. One night, while half a dozen of us were at a friend's apartment drinking what were probably gin and tonics, somebody discovered the host's copy and we took turns performing dramatic readings of it. Because, if I can remember it well and accurately, despite the big budget and production values the prose was some awfully high-profile inadvertent hilarity.
posted by ardgedee at 3:22 AM on September 21, 2017


The Lightning-Struck Heart by TJ Klune would be perfect for this - it's a hilarious gay romance with adhd and a unicorn, and has amazing dialogue during the sexy-esque bits!
posted by 168 at 4:57 AM on September 21, 2017


Best answer: A lot of it will be in your delivery, but for sources check out the The Guardian's Bad Sex Awards, or just grab any romance novel with the most ridiculously bodice-ripping cover you can find at the corner shop and give it a go.
posted by TwoStride at 5:17 AM on September 21, 2017


The most amazing wtf-inducing yet not, like, on purpose bad or on purpose ultra kinky or in any way famous fic I read in the Doctor Who fandom is called Disheveled. Someone legit thiouht they were writing sexy, romantic erotica. There is alien anatomy.
posted by soren_lorensen at 5:31 AM on September 21, 2017


OMG. Look for Siren Publishing -- there are free excerpts on their site. Here's an example -- Jana Downs has this series of gay shapeshifting angels:

https://www.amazon.com/Guardian-Publishing-LoveXtreme-Forever-ManLove-ebook/dp/B007XJ6ZSM

[Siren LoveXtreme Forever ManLove: Erotic Alternative Fantasy Menage Romance, M/M/M/M/M/M, angels, HEA]

Yes, the M/M/M/M/M/M means what you think it does.

I used to edit for them and it was a trip.
posted by fiercecupcake at 7:05 AM on September 21, 2017


There's a scene in the first Game of Thrones book. I won't spoil it here, but it contains an element of non consent, and GRRM really, really doesn't know what's going on in a woman's mind. A friend of mine read it to me once, a long time ago, and it was pretty funny. Memail me if you want the specific section.
posted by Night_owl at 7:33 AM on September 21, 2017


The Gor series has some serious problems, but it is also some of the worst/funniest erotica I've ever seen.
posted by SaltySalticid at 8:00 AM on September 21, 2017


Best answer: Oh. OH. You want to do a reading from The Three-Ring Binders.

I used to belong to a Livejournal community called "Weeping Cock", which was entirely devoted to this exact kind of bad erotica - both published and unpublished. And one day, one member shared something.....the backstory was that they were helping a friend settle in to a new house, and: well, I'll quote from the source directly.
So about three days ago, a friend of mine and I were scoping out her new basement, brainstormiing ideas for what she could turn it into. She hadn't had the time to explore every nook and cranny of the house yet, and, in a cabinet beneath the sink, we found a most unlikely treasure -- a box of three-ring binders, each containing a ream of neatly type-written erotic stories. Some are long, some are short, all are really hilarious, and I've been reading nothing but for three nights now.
This poster then gave us an abridged verison of one of the stories (lots of exerpts with her own commentary). We LOVED IT - it was HILARIOUSLY terrible.

The poster shared another story a bit later. And then another one later. Ultimately they shared nine such stories from the Three Ring Binder Porn series - and then vanished as mysteriously as they'd appeared. We repeatedly begged her to post the whole collection on a web site (a bunch of us even offered to do the transcription and take over), but....no word. All we have are the nine stories they originally shared.

This is an index with links to the nine stories. And they are all equally hilariously terrible, and all have similar elements which we all came to know and love:

* All of the stories feature threesomes.
* All of the stories have characters who are French, but have WILDLY un-French names.
* All of the stories say things about male anatomy that are absolutely impossible.
* All of the stories have wildly tortured metaphors.

Enjoy.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:01 AM on September 21, 2017 [8 favorites]


Best answer: There is always Morrissey. He won and award for it.
posted by 4ster at 8:23 AM on September 21, 2017


Erotica Written By An Alien Pretending Not To Be Horrified By The Human Body

http://the-toast.net/2014/04/02/alien-erotica/
posted by bunderful at 11:07 AM on September 21, 2017 [2 favorites]


You want some Silk and Steel by Ron Miller. It is one of the funniest things I have ever read.
posted by bibliogrrl at 12:46 PM on September 21, 2017


You absolutely need to bring I Don't Care If My Best Friend's Mom is a Sasquatch, She's Hot and I'm Taking a Shower With Her. Seriously. You won't be disappointed.
posted by gnutron at 2:55 PM on September 21, 2017


You might enjoy The Act of Marriage by Tim and Beverly LaHaye. Tim LaHaye being none other than the author of the Left Behind series of books about the Rapture.

The porn-y part is where they go into GRAPHIC detail about the process of a woman's orgasm, describing what to do, her reactions ("her body becomes sensitive to the touch, her breathing becomes more rapid, her face may grimace as if in pain, and she may groan audibly - and her husband finds this all very exhilarating..."). I actually did keep it on my erotica shelf for a time. Alas, it is no longer there so I'm not able to look up all the parts I found intriguing.

Actually a lot of the advice is very good, considering the intended audience is young, inexperienced newlyweds, particularly in teaching the man that his wife's orgasm is as important as his own, and graphic instructions on how to give her one. Although I suspect any young man reading this before his wedding night is going to wind up with a massive boner he's not supposed to touch :p

Also fun is the question and answer section. This is where we get into some Christian ridiculousness of the "thou shalt not" variety. As I recall, a question about oral sex was answered basically "there is nothing in the Bible about it, but it doesn't seem very Christian-like so we think not." And a young widow with ahem "needs" asks what is she to do now that her apparently incredibly active sex life has abruptly ceased, and is told basically to pray the horny away.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 4:47 PM on September 21, 2017


Well, there is always Slenderman porn.
posted by moons in june at 3:17 AM on September 22, 2017


How has nobody mentioned My Dad Wrote a Porno podcast yet? It is exactly this.
posted by iamkimiam at 7:02 AM on September 22, 2017


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