Kid's birthday party etiquette help, SVP?

September 18, 2017 6:04 PM

My 1st grader has been invited to 2 birthday parties at the same time on the same day. I already accepted the first invite, how do I handle the 2nd?

The first invite I received of the two came a couple of weeks ago from one of his close friends, so I've already RSVP'd yes.

I just received the 2nd invite, from another one of his close friends. I'm pretty sure I can't replicate my kid and have him attend both, so what's the etiquette here? I'll need to turn down the second, but I assume I should invite the 2nd kid over for a birthday play date and lunch/ gift?

I know my kid will be soo happy to attend one, but will also be sad to miss the other. I also guess that I'm not the first to experience this, so what's worked well for others?

posted by cestmoi15 to Human Relations (13 answers total)

Best answer: I appreciate that you're trying to do the right thing here, but I think you're overthinking this. In this situation, I just RSVPed for the second party that I was sorry but my son couldn't make it because he had prior plans to attend another event.
posted by amro at 6:08 PM on September 18, 2017 [27 favorites]

Best answer: I'll need to turn down the second, but I assume I should invite the 2nd kid over for a birthday play date and lunch/ gift?

We do this.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 6:15 PM on September 18, 2017 [4 favorites]

Best answer: How tough. Are the kids in the same class? In that case it might be a kindness to let the mom of the 2nd kid know that you had previously rsvp'd to a classmate, so that she's not left wondering why half the class is sending regrets and thinking no one likes her kid.

If they are not in the same class/school, I agree to send regrets but ask for a play date within the following week.
posted by vignettist at 6:48 PM on September 18, 2017 [22 favorites]

Seconding that you're overthinking this (in a very kind way). At this age I doubt the second kid will even care/notice- they'll still have a party, and they'll still see your kid at other times. It's not an insult like it could be to an oversensitive adult. There's no need to give a reason at all unless you're very close to the family and e.g. they scheduled this party around your usual availability. Just "We're sorry we won't be able to make it, hope he/she has a great birthday!"

Source: we have a 7yo and a firm "up to 5 birthday parties per calendar year" rule because otherwise we would go nuts.
posted by cogitron at 6:49 PM on September 18, 2017 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Definitely turn down the second, then do a special birthday theme playdate at your place with that kid. Bonus points if you serve a birthday-related snack like a cupcake or cake but not necessary. It's sweet of you to do this, and all you have to say to your kid is that you'll be having a special time with Birthday Kid, and isn't that great and fun and exciting!!
posted by BlahLaLa at 7:03 PM on September 18, 2017 [1 favorite]

Best answer: if these kids are in the same class it would be a kindness to the second mom to let her know the date problem.

And yeah, answer is probably to send regrets to second party, and it would be nice to have the second kid over later (or even take them to a movie, that's a special treat.) However, there could be extenuating circumstances. Like if kid 2 is a special friend and having a small party (as opposed to a "everyone in the class is invited and your kid will never be missed" situation) it would be ok to quietly change the first RSVP.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:37 PM on September 18, 2017 [1 favorite]

Yeah I agree with the advice to just turn down the 2nd invitation; it's unfortunate but these things happen. As far as a birthday play date later on -- this is something I've never heard of and would be considered a bit overboard and strange, in my community at least. For a cousin I could see maybe giving a gift at a later time but that's about it.
posted by JenMarie at 11:28 PM on September 18, 2017 [6 favorites]

Best answer: Don't stress about it, I'm sure the second parents are already feeling annoyed they double booked with another party. They may even rearrange if the friend cross-over is big enough that everyone's already going to the first party.

Agree that it's fine to say "sorry, can't make it as we already have plans" (this generic excuse works for any reason). If it's a close friend then a playdate where you can give a birthday present (if that's what your kid wants to do) sounds nice.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 2:09 AM on September 19, 2017 [1 favorite]

We had this last year, first invite came 2 weeks before second, and so we had already rsvpd yes to first. Children all in the same class. I asked my son what he wanted. He told me that second one was done to spite child who invited first. I found out it was tru. Long story short he preferred attending first.
posted by 15L06 at 5:01 AM on September 19, 2017

True and recent story:

My daughter was invited to three birthday parties last Saturday. THREE. The first began twenty minutes away at the time that my other child's soccer game ended. We declined. The second was happening during both my daughter's and son's soccer games (they were back to back). We declined. The third party was an hour after my son's soccer game, but by the time we were invited to that one, we had already settled that because of the soccer schedule the following weekend we'd do a quick and easy family birthday party with a cousin sleepover for my daughter's birthday.

One child is the kid of a close friend of mine, one is a good friend of my daughter's though I'm not so so close to his parents, and the third is a friend my daughter has gone to daycare and school with since they were both two. Everyone was fine. Everyone understood. People have other commitments sometimes.

It's nice if you want to get your child together with his other friend for a playdate, but it's really okay not to do anything, too. Both kids are going to be so excited for their parties that it's going to take a lot for either kid to be upset at their own birthday party. BIRTHDAY PARTY is pretty much guaranteed to be a good day for the kid, regardless of guest count.
posted by zizzle at 6:22 AM on September 19, 2017

You just say, "Oh my gosh, we already committed to another birthday party at the same time! Happy birthday to little Buddy, I hope you have a great time!"
posted by latkes at 10:15 AM on September 19, 2017 [2 favorites]

You just say "Rats, the kid is already going to a party at the same time, sorry he can't make it." That's all. This will happen over and over and over through your parenting years, especially as kids are in the "invite the entire class" stage and once they start getting into team sports. Nobody takes it personally.
posted by The corpse in the library at 4:25 PM on September 19, 2017 [3 favorites]

Yep - early on I had to institute an "only one party per weekend" rule otherwise I'd find myself driving all over town in the little bit of free time I had each week.

No need to reciprocate with a gift if you don't go to the party. Believe me, they won't ever think a thing about it and may be just as happy not to have yet another thing to find a place for in their house (or is that just me?).
posted by dawkins_7 at 9:32 AM on September 21, 2017 [1 favorite]