existential angst-filter
September 18, 2017 4:12 AM Subscribe
My friend died. I am struggling with, I am sure, extremely normal feelings like "what's it all about anyway?" How do I work through this? My heart is telling me to quit my job and run away to the countryside but I'm fairly sure this is temporary craziness brought about by bereavement.
My friend died. We are in our 30s, it's the first time I've lost a person close in age to myself, and it really sucks. I really, really miss her, but this question is not about her, but about feelings that appear to have been brought about by her loss.
Since she left us, I have been obsessing about things like - if any of us could go at any time, shouldn't we just be focusing on the things that are meaningful to us, instead of persisting with the meaningless daily grind and small talk of the 9-5 life? I haven't taken any time off from work but I find it hard to focus at work and feel angry with my blameless colleagues most of the time. I am so tempted to leave the city and move to the countryside and get a dog and do all those things I have always told myself I would do 'one day'. How do I know if that day will come, after all? If my 35-year-old friend died, then I could too, anytime.
I've spoken with our mutual friends and realised this is a feeling we are all struggling with in the wake of losing our friend. So it must be fairly normal. How do I work through these feelings? It just seems really rash to suddenly change the entire direction of my life and I've always been a very risk-averse person. I feel so trapped by financial and sensible considerations and the conflicting desire to make my life actually mean something. So I don't really know if I should be making any concrete life changes based on these feelings, but then I'm stuck with the feelings.
It's not that I don't have good things in life (health, good friends, family) but more that I am just coming up face to face with the aspects of my life that don't contribute to my happiness and mean nothing - and unfortunately my job and where I live are two of them. I am sure the wise hivemind has some insights.
I know this seems like a very solipsistic question, I feel embarrassed about that too.
My friend died. We are in our 30s, it's the first time I've lost a person close in age to myself, and it really sucks. I really, really miss her, but this question is not about her, but about feelings that appear to have been brought about by her loss.
Since she left us, I have been obsessing about things like - if any of us could go at any time, shouldn't we just be focusing on the things that are meaningful to us, instead of persisting with the meaningless daily grind and small talk of the 9-5 life? I haven't taken any time off from work but I find it hard to focus at work and feel angry with my blameless colleagues most of the time. I am so tempted to leave the city and move to the countryside and get a dog and do all those things I have always told myself I would do 'one day'. How do I know if that day will come, after all? If my 35-year-old friend died, then I could too, anytime.
I've spoken with our mutual friends and realised this is a feeling we are all struggling with in the wake of losing our friend. So it must be fairly normal. How do I work through these feelings? It just seems really rash to suddenly change the entire direction of my life and I've always been a very risk-averse person. I feel so trapped by financial and sensible considerations and the conflicting desire to make my life actually mean something. So I don't really know if I should be making any concrete life changes based on these feelings, but then I'm stuck with the feelings.
It's not that I don't have good things in life (health, good friends, family) but more that I am just coming up face to face with the aspects of my life that don't contribute to my happiness and mean nothing - and unfortunately my job and where I live are two of them. I am sure the wise hivemind has some insights.
I know this seems like a very solipsistic question, I feel embarrassed about that too.
The first line of C. S. Lewis' "A Grief Observed" is, "No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear." In my experience with people who have lost someone, the need and desire to do something is really strong. The body, I think, goes into this place where it thinks all these big feelings must mean we're in danger and we need to act. And certainly acting is easier that being with all the difficult feelings. It may be true that you should move to the country side, but you should not do that now. Right now you need to ride the wave of the feelings until they soften. The feelings will not stay this strong. I promise you they will not. But the quickest way to weaken them is to feel them without distracting yourself with thoughts of moving. When you feel grief, stop what you are doing and sit down and feel it. It won't last long. You say you haven't taken time off from work, but I would take a day here and there to just be home and take care of yourself, whatever that means to you. I'm sorry that your friend died, but the existential crisis is most commonly a way to avoid grief. Feel the grief and on the other side decide if you want to live differently. My $.02
posted by orsonet at 5:26 AM on September 18, 2017 [20 favorites]
posted by orsonet at 5:26 AM on September 18, 2017 [20 favorites]
if any of us could go at any time, shouldn't we just be focusing on the things that are meaningful to us, instead of persisting with the meaningless daily grind and small talk of the 9-5 life? I haven't taken any time off from work but I find it hard to focus at work and feel angry with my blameless colleagues most of the time. I am so tempted to leave the city and move to the countryside and get a dog and do all those things I have always told myself I would do 'one day'. How do I know if that day will come, after all? If my 35-year-old friend died, then I could too, anytime.
Correct.
The longer I lived in the city, the crazier I could feel it getting. The only reason it took me forty years to move out is because I was born and raised there and it was home.
Chucking aside a high paid city career in order to move to a small rural village with no real plan beyond leaving the city behind was the second most positively consequential decision I've ever made, bettered only by deciding to marry ms. flabdablet.
If you have the wherewithal to do likewise, I earnestly recommend giving it serious consideration. Life is too short to spend any more of it than you absolutely have to in a beehive working bullshit jobs for assholes.
posted by flabdablet at 5:33 AM on September 18, 2017 [5 favorites]
Correct.
The longer I lived in the city, the crazier I could feel it getting. The only reason it took me forty years to move out is because I was born and raised there and it was home.
Chucking aside a high paid city career in order to move to a small rural village with no real plan beyond leaving the city behind was the second most positively consequential decision I've ever made, bettered only by deciding to marry ms. flabdablet.
If you have the wherewithal to do likewise, I earnestly recommend giving it serious consideration. Life is too short to spend any more of it than you absolutely have to in a beehive working bullshit jobs for assholes.
posted by flabdablet at 5:33 AM on September 18, 2017 [5 favorites]
...if any of us could go at any time, shouldn't we just be focusing on the things that are meaningful to us, instead of persisting with the meaningless daily grind and small talk of the 9-5 life?
In a word, yes. Consider it a gift from your friend that their death helped you see this at a relatively young age. It took my wife getting cancer at age 49 for us to see this. You don't necessarily want to quit your job tomorrow, but putting together a 6-12 month plan to make some changes can help with both the grief, and the possibility that you'll actually follow a different path. And if in 6 months you are all "meh" about uprooting your life and happy with the status quo, that is fine too.
posted by COD at 5:43 AM on September 18, 2017 [7 favorites]
In a word, yes. Consider it a gift from your friend that their death helped you see this at a relatively young age. It took my wife getting cancer at age 49 for us to see this. You don't necessarily want to quit your job tomorrow, but putting together a 6-12 month plan to make some changes can help with both the grief, and the possibility that you'll actually follow a different path. And if in 6 months you are all "meh" about uprooting your life and happy with the status quo, that is fine too.
posted by COD at 5:43 AM on September 18, 2017 [7 favorites]
Nthing flabdadablet. Can confirm moving from the big city is quite the adventure worth taking if you feel called. Your friend passing away so young is profound, why wouldn't that make you rethink your life? It should! That's a healthy. And normal.
Go hiking. See a therapist. Start a kundalini yoga practice. Go cycling, or swimming. Negative energy is just stagnant energy, so get out there and get moving and see what insights shake loose from your subconscious & see if any opportunities pop up.
Honor your friend and your grief when you feel up to it by getting moving and getting that positive flow going.
posted by jbenben at 5:51 AM on September 18, 2017 [1 favorite]
Go hiking. See a therapist. Start a kundalini yoga practice. Go cycling, or swimming. Negative energy is just stagnant energy, so get out there and get moving and see what insights shake loose from your subconscious & see if any opportunities pop up.
Honor your friend and your grief when you feel up to it by getting moving and getting that positive flow going.
posted by jbenben at 5:51 AM on September 18, 2017 [1 favorite]
How do I work through these feelings?
Therapy is the classic response.
As far as whether you should leave the city, that's a question you can work towards answering. Go visit another area - or two or three - and try to get a feel for what it might be like to live there. Look at what jobs are available, including remote opportunities. Put together a budget based on numbers from other areas. Factor in things like housing costs, transportation (particularly if you might have to buy a car), etc.
I left a big city for a smaller city which has more green spaces, better access to hiking spots, is generally quieter, and has other features which are important to me. It was the right decision for me and I'm happier here.
I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by bunderful at 5:58 AM on September 18, 2017 [1 favorite]
Therapy is the classic response.
As far as whether you should leave the city, that's a question you can work towards answering. Go visit another area - or two or three - and try to get a feel for what it might be like to live there. Look at what jobs are available, including remote opportunities. Put together a budget based on numbers from other areas. Factor in things like housing costs, transportation (particularly if you might have to buy a car), etc.
I left a big city for a smaller city which has more green spaces, better access to hiking spots, is generally quieter, and has other features which are important to me. It was the right decision for me and I'm happier here.
I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by bunderful at 5:58 AM on September 18, 2017 [1 favorite]
I'm so, so sorry for your loss. One of my best and most vibrant friends died unexpectedly two years ago, at age 28, so I think I understand what you're feeling.
The Monday after my friend's memorial service, one of our mutual friends walked into work and quit her job on the spot. I was taking the train into midtown with her and she said 'I think I'm going to quit my job today', and I laughed because I thought she was joking. She had hated it for years and this unexpected death was the last straw. I also got a new job within six months and did some international traveling that I know I would never do before.
I think you should take some time off work and take a trip outside of the city. Take that time to start thinking about what you really want for yourself. Write it down if that helps you form your thoughts. Then tackle it, one bite at a time.
As for how I deal with these feelings: therapy, taking pleasure in the mundane (right now I'm having a really delicious cup of coffee), having a solid grasp on my own mortality and how that effects my behavior. I'm much more in the moment and present now. When I'm with my friends, I'm there with them mentally and physically. When I'm playing with my cat, I'm also thinking about how one of us is going to die before the other so maybe I'll give him another pet now while I can. Kind of morbid, but there you go. There's a distinct mental before and after, though my day to day life does seem to have changed all that much.
Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more.
posted by pumpkinlatte at 6:28 AM on September 18, 2017 [6 favorites]
The Monday after my friend's memorial service, one of our mutual friends walked into work and quit her job on the spot. I was taking the train into midtown with her and she said 'I think I'm going to quit my job today', and I laughed because I thought she was joking. She had hated it for years and this unexpected death was the last straw. I also got a new job within six months and did some international traveling that I know I would never do before.
I think you should take some time off work and take a trip outside of the city. Take that time to start thinking about what you really want for yourself. Write it down if that helps you form your thoughts. Then tackle it, one bite at a time.
As for how I deal with these feelings: therapy, taking pleasure in the mundane (right now I'm having a really delicious cup of coffee), having a solid grasp on my own mortality and how that effects my behavior. I'm much more in the moment and present now. When I'm with my friends, I'm there with them mentally and physically. When I'm playing with my cat, I'm also thinking about how one of us is going to die before the other so maybe I'll give him another pet now while I can. Kind of morbid, but there you go. There's a distinct mental before and after, though my day to day life does seem to have changed all that much.
Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more.
posted by pumpkinlatte at 6:28 AM on September 18, 2017 [6 favorites]
if any of us could go at any time, shouldn't we just be focusing on the things that are meaningful to us, instead of persisting with the meaningless daily grind and small talk of the 9-5 life
Yeah, and yet so many don't. And we have a lot in common with those people even though we now "know better." Also, though we could go at any time, that's not what is happening right now. To act as if there's no future and run off somewhere to "live" is just a way of feeling more in control. These aren't feelings to get over, but to integrate into who you are.
posted by Obscure Reference at 6:49 AM on September 18, 2017 [3 favorites]
Yeah, and yet so many don't. And we have a lot in common with those people even though we now "know better." Also, though we could go at any time, that's not what is happening right now. To act as if there's no future and run off somewhere to "live" is just a way of feeling more in control. These aren't feelings to get over, but to integrate into who you are.
posted by Obscure Reference at 6:49 AM on September 18, 2017 [3 favorites]
Nthing the suggestions to take some time off - even if just a month. My best friend died 1 1/2 years ago and I did not do that. Then last spring (around the anniversary) I felt that something had to give, so I dialed back my responsibilities a bit, and I still feel like I'm going to need to take some time off. Another friend did quit her job.
It feels a bit lonely to lose a friend because it's such a grey area. I think other people in my life were thinking, well, she wasn't a lover or a spouse or family so you can't be grieving too badly, and it confused me that I was grieving that badly.
posted by maggiemaggie at 7:20 AM on September 18, 2017 [1 favorite]
It feels a bit lonely to lose a friend because it's such a grey area. I think other people in my life were thinking, well, she wasn't a lover or a spouse or family so you can't be grieving too badly, and it confused me that I was grieving that badly.
posted by maggiemaggie at 7:20 AM on September 18, 2017 [1 favorite]
I think other people in my life were thinking, well, she wasn't a lover or a spouse or family so you can't be grieving too badly, and it confused me that I was grieving that badly.
Really, really important to understand that grief is what it is and does what it does for as long as it takes, and that nobody has the right to tell another person they're grieving wrong.
posted by flabdablet at 7:25 AM on September 18, 2017 [4 favorites]
Really, really important to understand that grief is what it is and does what it does for as long as it takes, and that nobody has the right to tell another person they're grieving wrong.
posted by flabdablet at 7:25 AM on September 18, 2017 [4 favorites]
It's not that I don't have good things in life (health, good friends, family) but more that I am just coming up face to face with the aspects of my life that don't contribute to my happiness and mean nothing - and unfortunately my job and where I live are two of them. I am sure the wise hivemind has some insights.
One of my best friends died from cancer in 2010 at the age of 27. I was heartbroken, angry, and questioned everything. It was perhaps the tipping point during a major depressive episode that led to me ending my relationship, moving out of my home, and generally taking two months and throwing them in the garbage. Thankfully, I was able to reverse the damage I had caused as each of those things made my life markedly worse.
What I wish I could've said to that version of me is - grief does not lead to a series of epiphanies that your life is being lived wrong. Most likely you will live a much longer life than the person that died, and in doing so there are more things to consider than just "live in the moment because you could be gone tomorrow."
It feels like epiphanies, but that's largely because we want to find some meaning or silver lining to something that feels so wholeheartedly wrong.
I'll give you an example - my wife and I just bought a house, a house that feels so much like home and makes both of us happy. This is our forever place. The road to getting to this forever place involved sticking with jobs that, at times, frustrated the crap out of us. It also mean postponing life-altering European vacations so we could put together a downpayment. Being unemployed or spending every dime we had travelling would've meant this house would've sold to someone else and this happiness we have today would've been postponed or never actually realized.
While I grieved, I felt like throwing off the shackles of life and just traveling was the only thing that would make me truly happy. Freedom seemed like the only true way - however, in reflecting on the years that have passed since my friend Nick died, I realize that true life-long happiness is the returns on a series of investments (emotional, spiritual, financial, etc.) that were only possible by investing a little of the present in the future.
Grief is a taxing, emotional ride that will poison everything for a little while - particularly the stage of anger. A period of grieving is not the time to be making huge life choices. The best thing to do while grieving is to deeply connect with those around you, talk about how you feel (including your desires to throw everything away and move to the country) and process your emotions honestly and earnestly. Keep a journal and note any recurring feelings that, for example, your job and your city really are that bad, because six or twelve months down the road when you miss your friend but they're not dominating your emotional space, you may still want to make some changes. Wait this part out though.
posted by notorious medium at 7:27 AM on September 18, 2017 [13 favorites]
One of my best friends died from cancer in 2010 at the age of 27. I was heartbroken, angry, and questioned everything. It was perhaps the tipping point during a major depressive episode that led to me ending my relationship, moving out of my home, and generally taking two months and throwing them in the garbage. Thankfully, I was able to reverse the damage I had caused as each of those things made my life markedly worse.
What I wish I could've said to that version of me is - grief does not lead to a series of epiphanies that your life is being lived wrong. Most likely you will live a much longer life than the person that died, and in doing so there are more things to consider than just "live in the moment because you could be gone tomorrow."
It feels like epiphanies, but that's largely because we want to find some meaning or silver lining to something that feels so wholeheartedly wrong.
I'll give you an example - my wife and I just bought a house, a house that feels so much like home and makes both of us happy. This is our forever place. The road to getting to this forever place involved sticking with jobs that, at times, frustrated the crap out of us. It also mean postponing life-altering European vacations so we could put together a downpayment. Being unemployed or spending every dime we had travelling would've meant this house would've sold to someone else and this happiness we have today would've been postponed or never actually realized.
While I grieved, I felt like throwing off the shackles of life and just traveling was the only thing that would make me truly happy. Freedom seemed like the only true way - however, in reflecting on the years that have passed since my friend Nick died, I realize that true life-long happiness is the returns on a series of investments (emotional, spiritual, financial, etc.) that were only possible by investing a little of the present in the future.
Grief is a taxing, emotional ride that will poison everything for a little while - particularly the stage of anger. A period of grieving is not the time to be making huge life choices. The best thing to do while grieving is to deeply connect with those around you, talk about how you feel (including your desires to throw everything away and move to the country) and process your emotions honestly and earnestly. Keep a journal and note any recurring feelings that, for example, your job and your city really are that bad, because six or twelve months down the road when you miss your friend but they're not dominating your emotional space, you may still want to make some changes. Wait this part out though.
posted by notorious medium at 7:27 AM on September 18, 2017 [13 favorites]
I'm so sorry for your loss--how awful to lose a friend at any age, but particularly cruel when you are both young.
Grief after loss did make it much easier for me to realize what my real priorities were, and I definitely made some permanent changes to my life where I stopped doing things that were not important and caused me stress but I did them out of a sense of duty. I just quit doing them, guilt-free, and it was the best thing to do. At the same time, I was also told by the counsellor it's best to try not to make any major permanent decisions or changes for a year after loss, and the common examples they gave were quitting your job, divorcing a partner, or moving. I don't know--everyone is different and everyone's grief is different. That may not be the right thing for you, and a year may be too long, but I really was not myself for a while afterward and my judgment was a bit suspect. Perhaps not a whole year, but for a few months.
On preview: what notorious medium said.
Seconding those suggesting you do take time off to mourn and take stock, but maybe hold off for a little while on making big, life altering sudden changes. And again, I'm really sorry you are going through this.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 7:36 AM on September 18, 2017
Grief after loss did make it much easier for me to realize what my real priorities were, and I definitely made some permanent changes to my life where I stopped doing things that were not important and caused me stress but I did them out of a sense of duty. I just quit doing them, guilt-free, and it was the best thing to do. At the same time, I was also told by the counsellor it's best to try not to make any major permanent decisions or changes for a year after loss, and the common examples they gave were quitting your job, divorcing a partner, or moving. I don't know--everyone is different and everyone's grief is different. That may not be the right thing for you, and a year may be too long, but I really was not myself for a while afterward and my judgment was a bit suspect. Perhaps not a whole year, but for a few months.
On preview: what notorious medium said.
Seconding those suggesting you do take time off to mourn and take stock, but maybe hold off for a little while on making big, life altering sudden changes. And again, I'm really sorry you are going through this.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 7:36 AM on September 18, 2017
I know this seems like a very solipsistic question, I feel embarrassed about that too.
Solipsism is the belief that no other minds but mine exist; you probably mean "selfish" or "self-centered". Look, you shouldn't feel you need to apologize to anyone for considering deeply what kind of life you want to live, and how you are going to make that life possible. What kind of manipulative or toxic person would object to that?
posted by thelonius at 7:46 AM on September 18, 2017 [1 favorite]
Solipsism is the belief that no other minds but mine exist; you probably mean "selfish" or "self-centered". Look, you shouldn't feel you need to apologize to anyone for considering deeply what kind of life you want to live, and how you are going to make that life possible. What kind of manipulative or toxic person would object to that?
posted by thelonius at 7:46 AM on September 18, 2017 [1 favorite]
I know this seems like a very solipsistic question, I feel embarrassed about that too.
It is fine to think about your feelings, and to care about yourself.
My mother died this summer after a longish illness. We didn't even get along that well a lot of the time, and the grief comes in waves. I did, specifically, get a wave of what you are describing, succinctly summarized as "Am I living my best life?" And I'm still not sure. But I've also decided to give myself a bit more time to just one-foot-in-front-of-the-other in my current life just to get past some of the anger, some of the paperwork, some of the other-people's-feelings aspect of all of this.
It can be tempting to want to just throw in the towel, to trade the hassles you KNOW for the hassles you DON'T KNOW, especially when the situation you know does also not seem to be bringing you any joy. And that might be (I don't know, only you would know, and maybe not for a while) the grief talking. That the joy is there but it's subdued in the wake of your loss. Or maybe you just don't like what you do. But right now, when you are feeling sort of BLAH and sort of nothing, you may as well stick with some of the supports you have (has been my conclusion, personally) and not toss yourself into the deep end of the pool just because the shallow end feels bad. Everything may feel bad for a bit.
Therapy helped me. Exercise and getting outside, even just to sit, helped me. Being kind to myself helped me. Being kind to others helped me. Sometimes working through them means thinking a little, and then waiting, and then thinking some more later and investigating the changes between those. Meditation helped me find some space where I could experience the feelings but not feel like I needed to do something about them right now. That can be a useful skill to cultivate as you work through this.
I am sorry about your friend and sorry for you. It's hard. It will get better, no matter what path you choose for yourself.
posted by jessamyn at 9:30 AM on September 18, 2017 [4 favorites]
It is fine to think about your feelings, and to care about yourself.
My mother died this summer after a longish illness. We didn't even get along that well a lot of the time, and the grief comes in waves. I did, specifically, get a wave of what you are describing, succinctly summarized as "Am I living my best life?" And I'm still not sure. But I've also decided to give myself a bit more time to just one-foot-in-front-of-the-other in my current life just to get past some of the anger, some of the paperwork, some of the other-people's-feelings aspect of all of this.
It can be tempting to want to just throw in the towel, to trade the hassles you KNOW for the hassles you DON'T KNOW, especially when the situation you know does also not seem to be bringing you any joy. And that might be (I don't know, only you would know, and maybe not for a while) the grief talking. That the joy is there but it's subdued in the wake of your loss. Or maybe you just don't like what you do. But right now, when you are feeling sort of BLAH and sort of nothing, you may as well stick with some of the supports you have (has been my conclusion, personally) and not toss yourself into the deep end of the pool just because the shallow end feels bad. Everything may feel bad for a bit.
Therapy helped me. Exercise and getting outside, even just to sit, helped me. Being kind to myself helped me. Being kind to others helped me. Sometimes working through them means thinking a little, and then waiting, and then thinking some more later and investigating the changes between those. Meditation helped me find some space where I could experience the feelings but not feel like I needed to do something about them right now. That can be a useful skill to cultivate as you work through this.
I am sorry about your friend and sorry for you. It's hard. It will get better, no matter what path you choose for yourself.
posted by jessamyn at 9:30 AM on September 18, 2017 [4 favorites]
Even if you do nothing but wait, time will treat a lot of the raw pain.
That's not to say there's anything wrong with questioning. Ask questions. Ask yourself, ask trusted advisors, if you have access to people who are living a life you think you want for yourself, ask them. Journal all the answers, take long walks and think about the future. Start researching plans that look like what you want to do.
And there's nothing wrong with improving your healthy self-care for a while. More walks, make sure you're getting good sleep, drink more water, eat good healthy food.
Just don't make any serious irreversible life changes right away. Leave your housing and employment alone for now. Think carefully before making relationship/friendship changes (but on the other hand, if this wakes you up to bad actors in your life, or to people you could be a better friend to, take that action). Let time do what it does for a while. Don't burn bridges in your haste; burn them, if they need burning, with great deliberation and planning.
If you need to channel your energy into something, pick a cause to support. There's plenty that can use you right now.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:30 AM on September 18, 2017
That's not to say there's anything wrong with questioning. Ask questions. Ask yourself, ask trusted advisors, if you have access to people who are living a life you think you want for yourself, ask them. Journal all the answers, take long walks and think about the future. Start researching plans that look like what you want to do.
And there's nothing wrong with improving your healthy self-care for a while. More walks, make sure you're getting good sleep, drink more water, eat good healthy food.
Just don't make any serious irreversible life changes right away. Leave your housing and employment alone for now. Think carefully before making relationship/friendship changes (but on the other hand, if this wakes you up to bad actors in your life, or to people you could be a better friend to, take that action). Let time do what it does for a while. Don't burn bridges in your haste; burn them, if they need burning, with great deliberation and planning.
If you need to channel your energy into something, pick a cause to support. There's plenty that can use you right now.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:30 AM on September 18, 2017
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Take some time off, and visit someplace in the countryside. You'll have a good time, and when you come back you'll be better able either to 1. appreciate what you have ("God, my job isn't great, but I forgot that there are no restaurants/theaters/indoor toilets where I was") or 2. realize that you'd actually like to work towards the goal of moving ("that was great, I can really see myself living there and I'll figure out a way to do it") . Either way, you have some time off to mourn your friend and do something enjoyable for yourself after a rough emotional patch.
posted by kingdead at 5:20 AM on September 18, 2017 [9 favorites]