I haven't told my dad I'm pregnant. Meh or is this a mistake?

September 18, 2017 12:32 AM

I'm an only child. I'm pregnant in my late 30s with my first child and therefore my dad's first and possibly only grandchild. My dad is about 75. So yeah I guess he could die or get really sick in the near future. We don't have a good relationship, but we're not deliberately estranged nor am I formally disowned.

I'll be the first to admit that I'm not the most mature or emotionally healthy person. But basically part of me wants to keep the grandchild a secret because I think it's a fitting punishment for what an awful father (and husband to my mother) my father has been. An abbreviated list of reasons why I still have this urge to punish him:

- He was a wife beater. I wasn't supposed to see it as a kid, and they probably hid most episodes from me, but one of my most vivid memories is opening a door and seeing my dad kick my mom in the stomach with these heavy boots while she was on the floor crying. They both worked at the same place and he would leave her to do his work so he could go to his political events. As a kid I never processed these images so oddly they haunt me and disturb me more in my 30s than they ever did when I was younger. Btw he never hit me. Also, the wife beating wasn't constant. It definitely tapered off and basically stopped after my mom called the police once and my dad was apparently shocked to discover that this sort of thing isn't just winked at in this country.

- But other than wife beating there was lots of threats, throwing things, yelling. Once at a dinner my dad threatened to kill my mom right in front of me (and one of his friends). Another time he called her a prostitute in front of me and a big group of his friends.

- In college I actually interviewed him over the phone about domestic violence for a class and pointedly asked him his views on what he'd done. At that time, he expressed that he was provoked by my mother's constant nagging. In short, he did not take responsibility or apologize and did not seem to understand that his actions were damaging to not only her, but to me.

In context, although I don't view this as an excuse at all, he spent five extremely rough years in a Communist laogai in his teen years. No doubt he was tortured. Maybe he was even raped. Obviously it damaged him in ways I can't even begin to fathom. Yet, however much that damaged him, he never beat random strangers or other men. Just my mom. And none of his brothers beat their wives, and I don't think he saw his father do it.

- When she left him because I'd finally gone to college he again threatened to track her down and kill her. My mom just wanted to get the divorce over with quickly, so she never hired a lawyer. He gave her some money, but later when he sold the house he gave her nothing. Legally she made a mistake in signing a settlement so early, but she had no idea. But he wasn't fair to her. Morally he should have given her a big cut of the house profit because she worked for over 20 years to pay that mortgage.

- He dragged me into a big dispute with his relatives in the last few years, which I later found out was more for his financial benefit. On top of that, he remarried and put his new wife's name on title. I seriously doubt he's taken any concrete steps to ensure that I get any part of the house if he were to die. And in my culture this matters and means something.

- I never call him on his bday or Father's Day and likewise in the last few years he stopped calling me on my bday. He once claimed it was because he didn't know my new number since I'd moved abroad. But really I recall telling him I kept the same number and anyway he could have made an effort if he really wanted to.

More context: he was an excellent father to me as a child. He was doting, attentive, loving. I actually have no doubt that at least back then, he really really loved me. And when his temper hasn't taken over, he's actually a pretty good conversationalist, cheerful, and friendly.

I also know that he really wants me to have a kid. I don't know why people want grandkids - maybe it's just for bragging rights or for the vanity of having "descendants," but in the past he's asked me when I'm going to have kids.

We are probably not going to end up living near him, so really it doesn't matter in terms of setting visitation, etc. I just think it would really burn him to eventually find out that I had a kid, but to realize that I never shared it with him.

My mom does not like it when I completely bash him with insults, but she is also totally fine with me never telling him about his grandchild. Maybe she also realizes it would be a fitting punishment?

No, forgiveness has never entered my mind. Should it? Maybe on his deathbed? I have discussed this occasionally when I have a therapist, but a therapist will never tell you what they think.

posted by KatNips to Human Relations (26 answers total)

I wouldn't frame this as punishing your father, but as keeping your child safe from a toxic and dangerous individual.
posted by rockindata at 1:02 AM on September 18, 2017 [68 favorites]

How connected are you to extended relatives? Because the stress of keeping your pregnancy and child hidden from him if you have cousins who will let slip to their moms - the family network can be intense, and a firstborn baby is big news. If you know you never run into relatives and the risk is very low, and you trust your mom's side of the family to not spill, then I'd say go for silence.

He was loving and attentive when you were a small and affectionate child dependent on him, which is a very different relationship and power dynamic to adult father-daughters. My abusive father was actually healthier in some ways as an adult-to-adult but you don't seem to have the same feeling. Trust your gut. If this isn't someone you feel safe around, then you don't have to let tradition or politeness risk your own child or yourself.

If you know it'll be super drama and too stressful to keep the baby a secret, then set very clear boundaries to reduce contact. Recruit a sympathetic relative who's not your mom to play go-between for updates about the baby. Use medical stuff as excuses if you have to, and act as a very fussy helicopter mother around the baby when your dad is near.

It is okay not to forgive him. He hurt your mom. He took money that your mom could have and probably would have used to make your life and future easier, so he could make his life easier and better. He was loving to you when you were the easiest age as a kid to love, and the moment it became slightly difficult, he chose himself over his family. That was his choice but now he reaps the consequences which is that he doesn't have a family in his old age.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 2:18 AM on September 18, 2017 [6 favorites]

It doesn't sound like you particularly want to tell him, and nor are you under any obligation to do so.
posted by threetwentytwo at 2:41 AM on September 18, 2017 [4 favorites]

You're a grownup, you get to decide who you want to have in your life, for whatever reason. For many personal reasons you've decided that you don't want your dad in your life right now. That's completely acceptable. All you've done is set some healthy, reasonable boundaries for somebody who unapologetically abused your mother. There is nothing wrong with that.


Your dad isn't in your life right now, so he doesn't have access to information about you. It's as simple as that. If somebody else tells him you're fine with him knowing, but you're not going to go out of your way to tell him. There's nothing wrong with that course of action (or inaction.)
posted by TooFewShoes at 2:46 AM on September 18, 2017 [1 favorite]

I wouldn't frame this as punishing your father, but as keeping your child safe from a toxic and dangerous individual.

This.

As a parent-to-be, now is a pretty good time to start wrapping your head around the idea that decisions bearing moral weight become a hell of a lot clearer and easier once you adopt the policy that having chosen to bring an initially completely helpless child into the world, it's only fair to prioritize the needs of that child above all else until they're mature enough to cope with the world on their own.

And that absolutely involves keeping people known to have a history of domestic violence as far away from your child as you possibly can, by whatever means are available to you, regardless of any putative claims that such people might make on your loyalty.

I strongly recommend adopting the view that your primary loyalty is owed to your child, and if other loyalties ever come into conflict with that one, child automatically wins.
posted by flabdablet at 2:50 AM on September 18, 2017 [13 favorites]

Processing injuries and abuse from your childhood in your thirties is not a sign of immaturity. This is when it happens for a lot of us with early childhood disruptions, violence and trauma.

If part of the processing of the traumatic events you witnessed and experienced is that you take your time to tell your father about your pregnancy, if at all, then that is okay. You don't need to know why you are reluctant exactly, but it makes complete sense to me that your pregnancy would ignite some of the issues of attachment you have with him.

This is a good time to process some of these things, in particular the very important point made by rockindata above - that your child needs to be kept safe. Just like you needed to be as a child, and clearly you weren't. 'Punishment' as a description of what you are contemplating around the pregnancy information is an interesting one. That is the model of relations that has been passed on through your childhood experiences, and your identification as a woman with your mother's trauma. 'Protection' is a fitting model for the relations you want going forward I think.
posted by honey-barbara at 3:20 AM on September 18, 2017 [6 favorites]

I'm not sure the act of not telling him will come across as punishment; if he's hurt by it, he's not going to connect it to anything he's done, and he's not going to think it's his fault.

But you don't have to tell him if you don't want to. You don't have to maintain a relationship with him, nor do you have to have him near your child. Maybe use this as an opportunity to increase the distance between him and you, if not cutting ties altogether.

Do it for your own peace of mind and for your child's future, but don't assume he'll interpret it the way you mean it.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:00 AM on September 18, 2017 [2 favorites]

I'm not sure the act of not telling him will come across as punishment; if he's hurt by it, he's not going to connect it to anything he's done, and he's not going to think it's his fault.

It's definitely possible that he'll hear about this and think it's just really puzzling or that you are being weird. People who are abusive tend to have a lot of defenses up and they can incorporate something like this into their self-justifying narrative pretty smoothly. Would you be OK with that? Maybe as a thought experiment, list out some of the possible outcomes and which ones you could live with. (My father, when we were partially estranged, went around telling relatives that he had NOT been an abusive parent, which kept getting back to me.)

That said, it's precisely at the moment when they have have kids of their own that a lot of people realize how much they need to distance themselves from abusive parents. You are far from being alone here. And if part of this is about solidarity with your mother, that is just fine in my book.
posted by BibiRose at 4:41 AM on September 18, 2017 [5 favorites]

I had and have some bad feelings about my childhood. My father was abusive and an alcoholic and very anxious and our homelife was very tense because of his behaviors. My mother was the peacemaker. He abused her as well but not physically as far as I know. But mentally and emotionally he was a ticking bomb. Parents! Deal with your shit!!

My mother never left him and he did get treatment for his alcoholism and depression. He worked on it in my teen years as well. Which is it's own sort of torture – being there for a parent's recovery. But he could also be a really funny, warm hearted guy and on his good days a model for the kind of man you would want in your life.

But if he hadn't died, I don't know that I would have had my child. I had my daughter over a year after he died. My mom was sad that he missed out on grandkids, and especially that first year of my baby would bring up this fact. Finally I snapped at her one day when she was getting sniffly about "your father would have loved this!" I said, "I could have never left her with him. I don't think I could have left her alone with the two of you! He was so unpredictable and could be so damaging and also plainly negligent that I would have had to be on my guard at all times with him." She seemed both shocked by this but also acknowledged the truth of it. To her credit, she's never said anything like that again.

I think I had a feeling (and I feel like it's not uncommon) that parents are an uncontrolled force in our lives. Because as kids, that is really true. You are powerless in the family home to make an adult change or be good or get help. So the thought of bringing a child in and not having control over my Dad was terrifying. But of course, as an adult, you have more control and power including 100% denying access. First off, my heart goes out to you and all women and men who struggle in this way. We were kids! It's not fair and it's not right. Secondly, take it as it comes. You don't need to make this decision now. You have no obligation to your father to "do the right thing" or forgive him his sins. A grandparent can absolutely do better than they did as a parent but it's not your duty to allow your father this absolution.

Consider a therapist. I wish I had done so at that time. I've worked through a lot of things pretty well and there's nothing like your own kid to give you some perspective. Some of which has been very healing. And hopefully your partner is on board with supporting you as you work through this.
posted by amanda at 5:04 AM on September 18, 2017 [7 favorites]

I would be worried that if he knew he has a grandchild, and you keep him away from the child, he would threaten you for denying visits - like he threatened your mom after she left. This is particularly true as he longs for a grandchild as a gratifying extension of hinself (not as an individual with rights of her/his own).

I'm not saying "allow him access", I'm saying he sounds like he could be a real threat given this incentive. Act accordingly.
posted by Omnomnom at 5:20 AM on September 18, 2017

I agree with rockindata. You are under no obligation to allow him into your child's life. But I would consider the conversation you'll have with the child in the future about why they never knew their Grandfather. It's one thing to hear "Your Grandfather hurt your Grandmother and me and never took responsibility for that, and so I decided that I wouldn't allow him into your life because you're too precious." It's another to hear "I just thought it would really burn him to eventually find out that I had a kid, but to realize that I never shared it with him." In general it's not fantastic for adults to use children to enact revenge on people. So if your decision is based purely on a wish to hurt him I'd think a little deeper about that, perhaps in therapy. But if it is to protect you and your family or because you simply don't want him involved in the next generation then you don't need to justify anything to anyone.
posted by billiebee at 5:33 AM on September 18, 2017 [16 favorites]

Mail him a birth announcement. You are more likely to regret not telling him than you will regret telling him. I think that just doing it will keep him from taking up as much headspace, since you won't have to wonder if you SHOULD tell him. (This is assuming that you don't anticipate that this would put you in any physical or emotional danger; it didn't sound like this was an issue from your post.)
posted by metasarah at 5:38 AM on September 18, 2017 [4 favorites]

I agree with Billiebee. The first thing I thought when I read this question is that although I'm sure this is not what you intend, I'm troubled by your framing of this as punishment or something that would really "burn him" because it sounds like you are using your child as a weapon against him, kind of the way some divorced parents do. I am not sure what you should do--I have close toxic relatives I have moved to the periphery of my life as much as possible without formally cutting them out entirely, so I do understand that part--but I do think you need to reframe your reasons.
posted by tiger tiger at 6:08 AM on September 18, 2017 [3 favorites]

Have you talked to a therapist? This sounds really painful and hard to unpack, and it sounds like there are good reasons not to tell your dad and good reasons to tell your dad (eventually). It seems like a therapist who was a compassionate and attentive listener (not just a CBT/process-and-move-on) person could really help you work out your feelings and decide what to do.

What about telling yourself "I am keeping it open that I can tell my dad later, but I've decided not to tell him right now"? It seems like just saying "Maybe when my child is [born/a toddler/whatever] I will revisit this decision, but for now I have definitely decided not to tell him" might give you a little breathing room, so to speak? You don't have to make a decision for forever right now.

In terms of forgiving your dad: this seems like something to explore with a therapist. On a practical level, I personally don't think you need to forgive your dad. First, because forgiving someone is up to the injured party, and second because he's not sorry, as far as we know. But also, maybe you wish you could forgive him, if you're thinking about it? If part of you wants to forgive him, that's worth exploring - even if the end result is "that part of me is wrong, I don't forgive him".
posted by Frowner at 6:54 AM on September 18, 2017 [1 favorite]

I cut ties with my father when my children were very little and haven't had a moment's concern when explaining to them why they don't have the full complement of grandfathers. It comes up every so often and I give them whatever response is both honest and age appropriate at the time. They're young teenagers now so I imagine they'll be getting the full dirt soon.

I do not for one minute regret my choice to keep my father out of my, and my children's lives. And my dad sounds like a peach compared to yours.
posted by padraigin at 7:22 AM on September 18, 2017 [1 favorite]

More context: he was an excellent father to me as a child.

I'd argue he wasn't. And I'm sorry.

Don't tell him. You don't want to. Why *would* you?

Do get some therapy to talk about the need to punish him: punishment will never undo what he did, you will never get the satisfaction of making it right because it can't be made right, he will never be different, and revenge can't possibly be satisfying ultimately because your revenge can't undo what he put you through. Ultimately, carrying it around is your burden now, not his. You don't want that burden. Look into ways you can set that burden down and focus on the future.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 7:26 AM on September 18, 2017 [5 favorites]

In my family, you better tell someone up front, or all you'll hear is 'how they heard about --insert major life event here-- from the grapevine'. In some of my relatives minds, that's tantamount to murder, lol. I'm sure he'll hear from someone in your extended family that your pregnant/just gave birth. Send some sort of announcement. Later you can decide on the amount of contact he can have with the child.
posted by PJMoore at 7:36 AM on September 18, 2017

I'm not going to directly answer your question, but here are two things to think about:

-Is there a chance that he is going to want to get more involved in your life with a grandkid in the picture? Is this why you don't want to tell him?

-If you don't tell him, what are the odds that he finds out from someone else? If that happened, how would it go?
posted by breakin' the law at 7:57 AM on September 18, 2017 [1 favorite]

- He was a wife beater. I wasn't supposed to see it as a kid, and they probably hid most episodes from me, but one of my most vivid memories is opening a door and seeing my dad kick my mom in the stomach with these heavy boots while she was on the floor crying. They both worked at the same place and he would leave her to do his work so he could go to his political events. As a kid I never processed these images so oddly they haunt me and disturb me more in my 30s than they ever did when I was younger.… But other than wife beating there was lots of threats, throwing things, yelling. Once at a dinner my dad threatened to kill my mom right in front of me…

That isn't being "an excellent father" to you. When a child sees one parent abusing the other parent, the child is abused too.

I see no reason to tell him and every reason not to. I agree with the first comment: keep your child away from someone who's abusive. He could still be physically abusive as a septuagenarian, and even if he isn't he seems likely to be psychologically abusive.
posted by John Cohen at 9:07 AM on September 18, 2017 [6 favorites]

I don't know the answer to your question, but I do want to point out one thing:

There is a difference between not telling someone something, and keeping it a secret.

Not telling him means, basically, you never mention it. It never comes up. If he mentions it, you deflect "Oh, yeah, I do have a kid. So, anyway..."

Keeping it a secret is different, and harder. It may, eventually, involve you asking other people to lie for you -- not just lies of omission, but real actual lies.

I grew up as a secret child. My father knew I existed, and I knew his name, but the community at large was not supposed to know my connection to him. Its a tough way to grow up.

Anyway, as I said above, I don't know what you should do. But do think carefully about the difference between keeping it a secret and simply not telling him.
posted by anastasiav at 10:22 AM on September 18, 2017 [4 favorites]

You have every right not to tell him, of course -- he was a loathsome, abusive, horrible man and any dad who beats his kid's mother is NOT a good dad no matter how he thinks he's treating the kid. (I understand the impulse to hurt him and if it was a question of slashing his tires I would say go for it.)

However, it sounds to me as if the decision to not tell him will take up far more space in your mind than telling him would -- if you don't tell him, you will constantly be wondering about it. If he's heard about it, what his reaction has been, if he is going to call you, if the reason he's not calling you is that he's hurt the way you wanted, or because he doesn't care enough... and I think ultimately this will cause you more turmoil than just telling him, and then phasing him out would do.

So my vote is tell, for your own good not his; so that you can start your life as a parent without this cloud of drama hanging over you. After that I would phase him out.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:23 AM on September 18, 2017 [1 favorite]

Beating your mother, multiple threats and/or attempts at murder, zero remorse: you cannot let this person near your child. I think your anger towards your father, the complicated feelings you have knowing about him growing up in trauma in the laogai-- these are things you can work out in therapy, over time. For now, try not to feel guilty about these strong feelings of anger and desire to punish your father-- anger can be a powerful teacher. Right now, focus on the vital thing your anger is trying to tell you-- that your father is a danger to your baby and that you must protect her from him, even if that means hurting or "punishing" him. This isn't a childish thing to feel, it's your instincts as a mother trying to let you know that you need to take care of your baby.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 1:45 PM on September 18, 2017 [2 favorites]

I get why people think that using a child as a "punishment" is over the line. But this is not at all like divorced parents. OP didn't fall out of love with her father, he abused his family and there's often lifelong trauma especially if the abused doesn't get appropriate therapy and resolution. I did love my father but his death was a kind of resolution. I could stop thinking about my ongoing relationship with him and how hard it was to maintain because my trauma was unresolved. Honestly, it can never be resolved. I can live with it. I can change my perspective. I can marry a very good man who has proven to me that men don't just accidentally become horrible fathers and husbands. I can become a parent and prove that family life doesn't have to be that way. My father even tried to make amends. I wrapped that up in the box with all the hurt and it's not unhelpful but the trauma will always be there.

I didn't get to see my father be a way better grandfather than a father to my daughter. But if I had, I would have found that painful. He gets a do-over? What do I get? So, I totally get the punishment angle. I did get to see my father have a better, more loving, less anxious relationship with my younger brother. It was painful. If I could have orchestrated a way to have my younger brother totally reject my father, I would have done so. Just to punish him! Luckily, I was headed out of the house by then and it didn't occur to me given how focused I was to leave.

The truth is, sadly, that the punishment won't work. You may feel that you are creating an active punishment but your father won't take it that way. You can't take the poison yourself and expect someone else to get sick. It doesn't work that way. I think it's very healthy that you're recognizing this. The punishment won't work, not the way you want, not in any way that will heal you. So, let that go. Let that action go but don't force yourself to choose anything. You can tell him in your own time. Again, you have no obligation to tell anyone anything about your pregnancy or your body or your life. If you have nosy family, you don't have to tell them anything either. If someone asks you can just release that anger gently by saying, "I haven't gotten around to it." And if they press, "Why is this so important to you?" and finally, "It's really none of your business." He'll find out when he finds out. And you'll give him the access and information that you want and you'll protect your child and yourself.
posted by amanda at 1:47 PM on September 18, 2017 [2 favorites]

I have no relationship with my father as an adult.

I have elected that he will continue to have no relationship with my children. Once they stopped being hypothetical children and became real children there was a brief moment of emotional confusion about whether they should meet with some very mild family pressure / invitation to facilitate without my involvement, but ultimately I realised I can do what I like and I don't believe grandparents own the right to meet their grandchildren. I choose to arrange my family this way to minimise stress and pain to myself from having to see these people and it works for me. It's not intended for punishment but self-protection.
posted by chiquitita at 3:30 PM on September 18, 2017 [2 favorites]

This is my opinion: just don't. Don't actively invite someone into your child's life who is likely to constitute an adverse childhood experience.

Don't tell your dad about the arrival of his grandchild because it's a fitting punishment for what an awful father he was; do it because unless you can be certain that your father would not be a harmful person in your child's life, you're choosing not to take the risk with your child's sense of security, attachment, health and well-being.

Do continue to surround yourself with good support and allow yourself to process the post-traumatic memories that are likely to arise as you experience the fragility of the parent-child relationship from the parent's perspective for the first time. As your child grows, it will be easier to appreciate how vulnerable and powerless children truly are. Seeing how your child experiences the world will help you understand how truly vulnerable and powerless you were in the face of your father's terrifying violence*. You may wind up feeling very differently about the risk level associated with your father once your child is actually here.

*IANAT, however, between the abrupt violent nature of your father's abuse of your mother and the increasing vividness you're experiencing with the memory-images you've described, I think it's safe to say many from the trauma-infused perspective would express concern that more post-traumatic stuff could surface (in terms of intrusive images and/or feelings associated with them) once your child is here. Do you want your father around in the event you find yourself struggling with that? Do you really trust that your father is as concerned with your feelings about your life experiences as you are in this post with his?

Anyhow, I don't see any harm (or punishment) in waiting to see how you feel as a mother, once your baby is here. In the event he eventually finds out, you're well within your right to fall back on anastasiav's "Oh, yeah, I did have a kid. So, anyway..."

FWIW, no grandkids were born in my family until after my dad died. Our mom expresses similar confusion about how to reflect on his role in our lives as your mother does.
posted by human ecologist at 3:51 PM on September 18, 2017 [4 favorites]

At least where I live (Australia) grandparents rights are about the right to maintain an existing relationship rather than the right to form a relationship with the child, but yes check your local rules.
posted by chiquitita at 6:27 AM on September 20, 2017