What to expect, other than being as awkward as always.
September 15, 2017 4:40 PM   Subscribe

I, mid-30s, fat, incredibly introverted, and completely not at all cool, have been invited to a concert tonight for a group I'm really excited to see, with some people I know who're a few years younger than me. Problem: I have never before been to a concert at a bar like this, and I'm incredibly nervous about it because I have no idea what to expect. So how do events like this actually work?

In particular I'm a little concerned because I'm not sure I'm actually up to standing for several hours straight and it doesn't look like they actually have much seating. Also, it turns out the people I'm going with are actually going to be late and are expecting me to be there when they arrive, meaning I can't just latch onto someone who knows what they're doing. I have anxiety medication that I'm intending to take and will not be driving but will also not be drinking. Knowing what I'm getting into and how best to arrange this will help a lot.

I was definitely not cool enough to do this sort of thing in my 20s, and I'm only feeling less so now, but it's the Mountain Goats.
posted by Sequence to Society & Culture (22 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
Different bars are different, but often they'll have a few bar stools at the bar, or a small number of tables on one side. Getting there early could let you grab one.

That said, if you'd prefer to arrive after them, you could just parry with "oh, you guys won't be there until 9:15? I think I'll do one more thing on my own end then, and meet you there after that." These events are made for being fashionably late.

I'm sorry your anxiety is making this tough. I will say that concerts in bars are one of the easier social events, since you don't have to talk. But yeah, if you'd really like to get seating, get there early.

Bring earplugs if you have any. Other than that, there's not that much else to know. Did you have other specific questions?
posted by salvia at 4:50 PM on September 15, 2017 [3 favorites]


Best answer: OK, good news: Mountain Goats shows are pretty chill and full of introverted and deeply uncool 30-somethings (ask me how I know!)

For a show at a bar, I would get a drink (nonalcoholic) because it is something to do with your hands! I find that really calming. It'll also be nice for the time before the other folks show up -- you're doing a thing, even if that thing is drinking a Coke.

You may have to stand. It might be worth getting there just before the other people arrive to minimize the amount of standing. (How do you feel about leaning? I do a lot of leaning at bar concerts.)

If you are standing near the front, most people will be listening to the music more-or-less quietly. Towards the back people will be chattier, usually. Everybody will be minding their business and not worrying about what other people are doing. This is why I go to shows and not clubs :)

Have fun!!
posted by goodbyewaffles at 4:53 PM on September 15, 2017 [13 favorites]


+1 for earplugs and showing up early to claim a seat

I can't testify to how happy this makes people, but I think the standard protocol is for you to buy, hold, and possibly drink a beverage from the bar and use your telephone until the show starts and/or your friends arrive. It's not expected for you to interact with strangers at the venue, if that's what you're worried about.

Note also that bar stages are notorious for starting late, because they hope more people will come and the ones who are already there will buy another drink while they wait.
posted by d. z. wang at 4:54 PM on September 15, 2017 [17 favorites]


Best answer: A few months ago I went by myself to see a band I like at a club I'd never been to. Here is my strategy:
  • Once I get to the club, I stand outside for a few minutes to see exactly where people were going in, and if they're just walking in and wandering around or if someone is working the door.
  • I wait until there are a few people bunched up at the door trying to get in, and I get behind them so I'm not just standing there by myself.
  • As soon as I get inside, I move over to one wall away from the bar, sort of mid-way into the room. This way I'm not blocking traffic, and can see where people are congregating. This allows me to feel a bit less anxious because I'm not in a crowd of people, at least at first.
  • After about 10 minutes, I'll make my way to the bar and get my club soda with lime (I don't drink), and go back to my spot near the wall.
  • Once the band starts and people move closer to the stage, I move towards the middle of the room but in the back of the crowd.
I usually go see bands by myself, because I have weird taste in music and almost no one I know likes the bands I like. These steps allow me to enjoy myself with the least amount of anxiety.

And on preview, +1 for earplugs. Most of the venues I go to have a big jar of them sitting on the bar for free, but I always bring my own.
posted by ralan at 5:01 PM on September 15, 2017 [10 favorites]


Best answer: Mountain Goats shows are pretty chill and full of introverted and deeply uncool 30-somethings

also, this, totally. my guess is we are Your People. ;-)
posted by j_curiouser at 5:04 PM on September 15, 2017 [11 favorites]


Hey congrats cos you're obviously cool enough that young people have invited you to a great gig in a bar! Agreeing with buy a drink and play on your phone until they get there if that feels calming, then take your cue from them. But actually that's just a way to distract yourself. What would it be like to actually be there? Because really everyone else there is also just worried how they're coming across, at least on some level. So entertain yourself while you're waiting for your friends by mindfully engaging with what's happening rather than trying to be invisible. Look around, take it in, be curious about the other people sharing the same space and time as you, smile at people if you make accidental eye contact, be aware of the excitement of waiting to see a cool band. By the time they arrive you should hopefully be in a nice, alert place and excited about what's about to happen rather than worried that you're Doing It Wrong. Enjoy! Good luck!
posted by billiebee at 5:05 PM on September 15, 2017 [2 favorites]


Good news, there are plenty of bar stools including what look like prime spots facing the stage. If I know shows in bars (and I do) the best seats will fill up as soon as the doors open, so that argues for getting there early, but there's a lot of seating and you could probably snag a seat in the interval between the opening act and the headliner as people move closer to the stage.
posted by fedward at 5:11 PM on September 15, 2017


I've gone to numerous shows all by myself, including Mountain Goats, and I'm super-awkward in unstructured social settings and I did fine, but it did take some getting used to.

As others have said, a Mountain Goats show should be really chill. The one I went to, something wasn't working right with John Darnielle's sound, so he went unplugged and the bass player turned his amp way down and they basically did an acoustic set (the "band" was just those two guys). The place I saw them, where I saw most shows that I went to, was a 300-person capacity bar. There were a few barstools (like, 15), but I hardly ever got to sit on one, so I planted myself on a wall and leaned for the whole show (also because I'm 6'-5" and somewhat courteous, so I'd do less blocking of people's views at the side or back of the room). I'd usually get one beer and nurse it for a while, but most of the time I wouldn't be holding anything. The place I went had some old video games in a back room, so I'd go play those for a while.

I guess the big thing is: no one cares what you do. People will be watching the show or talking to their friends. It isn't like going to a regular bar where people are somewhat likely to be checking other people out. Once a band starts playing it'll be dark-ish and no one will be paying attention to other concertgoers.
posted by LionIndex at 5:15 PM on September 15, 2017 [2 favorites]


Response by poster: I'm honestly a bit baffled about the invitation itself because it's a coworker who has previously not shown much inclination to actually want to be sociable, but I'm rolling with it. Thanks for everything here and I think that'll have me set--I *think* I'll be okay if I can't sit down and if seats are more likely to open up later that's probably plenty. I don't have a particular problem with managing my nerves when I know what's coming, but completely new things are rough to do by myself. I might actually not die! (And thank god for Lyft, which is preventing the other nightmare that could have been, trying to figure out how to park in Benson on a Friday night.)
posted by Sequence at 5:24 PM on September 15, 2017 [5 favorites]


Ahead of time you can briefly mention a fake chronic knee, ankle, or back injury if you feel self-conscious about needing to sit or lean.

If your friends choose a spot where there's nothing to lean on, it is totally ok to say (maybe pick a moment that's kinda between special moments of band magic), "hey my back is kinda bugging me, I'm gonna go sit by the bar for a bit, see you soon!" If they look over, just smile and wave so they don't feel like you need rescuing.

It would also be ok to say "I wanna go up to the front and dance for a bit!" People may or may not join you, both are fine.

In most of my social circles it's considered pretty normal to separate from the group for whatever reason as long as you explain where you're going to avoid confusion.

Have fun!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 5:24 PM on September 15, 2017 [5 favorites]


Bar shows are great! It's so much better to see bands in intimate venues rather than huge stadiums. In my experience:

1) Definitely bring ear plugs
2) If you have a ticket already, you can usually just present it at the door. If you need to buy one, the box office is usually pretty easy to find. If your friends have left a ticket for you, inquire at the box office and tell them you have a "will call" ticket. (Some places may even have a separate will call window.)
3) When you present your ticket at the door, they'll probably ask to see your ID, stamp your hand (for readmission) and ask if you plan to drink alcohol; a lot of places give drinkers a wristband so the bartenders know who's legal to drink without having to card everyone all the time. There's no stigma attached to declining a wristband, it just means that the bar won't serve you booze; which, since you're not planning to drink, is a non-issue.
4) Once you're inside, you can pretty much chill out however you want until your friends show up.
5) If you wind up standing that can be drag sometimes, but you can usually at least find a wall or pole to lean on for a while. And you may find that you get so into the show that you don't even think about the fact you've been standing.
5a) What pseudostrabismus said about breaking away to sit down if you need to.
6) I've been at small club shows by myself (for the entire show, even) and absolutely nobody noticed or cared. (Something to consider if future bands you like come through town: when you go to shows by yourself you can sit or stand wherever you want, without having to find consensus with anyone else. It's kind of nice.)

You're going to have a great time!
posted by Funeral march of an old jawbone at 5:28 PM on September 15, 2017


Yeah, MG shows aren't stocked full of aggressive judgmental hipsters. You'll be fine. Just don't request "Golden Boy."
posted by praemunire at 5:34 PM on September 15, 2017 [1 favorite]


If you show up before your friends you're probably going to be able to grab a table, or at least a seat at the bar.

Nthing getting a nice non-boozy drink and playing with your phone until they arrive. If you are feeling brave, talk to the bartender. They are usually nice to chat with if it's not too busy.

Have fun! And congrats on having some super cool friends :)
posted by ananci at 6:05 PM on September 15, 2017


As a fellow introvert w/ anxiety who often goes to shows alone I try to skip the opener unless it's someone I actively like-- not because the opener itself is unpleasant (well, sometimes it is) but because the wait between sets always feels interminable. Of course you can play on your phone, but it's 20+ minutes (and sometimes way more) of people milling around talking. It seems with the chair issue there's a reason to arrive fairly early, so maybe just be prepared. Perhaps someone who has seen the Mountain Goats before can speak to whether they tend to be slowpokes in setting up.
posted by acidic at 6:12 PM on September 15, 2017


Earplugs, grab a drink non-alcoholic or otherwise, it'll probably be dark so no-one cares what people are doing, be your awkward self.
posted by TheAdamist at 6:17 PM on September 15, 2017


all these responses overspeak what i would tell you. go and have fun- part of going to a live, public performance is being a stranger among strangers. And as a bartender, I'll tell you I LOVE THE NONDRINKER. ginger ale! Iced tea! club and cran! If it comes out of the gun it is bottomless!
posted by vrakatar at 6:32 PM on September 15, 2017 [5 favorites]


It's mostly all been covered above, but a couple things, especially for the anxious:

1. Be aware that no matter where you stand, someone taller than you will shove in and stand in front of you. Don't take it personally, it's just what happens. It's annoying, but it's not personal.

2. If a band is playing and someone tries to start a conversation you don;t want to have, just point at your ears, then at the stage, then shrug and turn your attention back to the band. If you wanted to be extra polite about it, shout "Catch me after!" before you commence ignoring. No one will take that personally, it's a get-out-of-interaction-free card.

3. Believe the people who said to bring earplugs. Bring several pairs, you can give them out to people who forgot and make new friends!
posted by under_petticoat_rule at 6:48 PM on September 15, 2017


Best answer: No one's mentioned Advil, and maybe it's too late to mention it, but I take Advil before shows to prevent foot pain/swelling #old
posted by unknowncommand at 8:45 PM on September 15, 2017 [3 favorites]


I think the show's probably over by now, but a few cents worth for future reference:

- Looking at that venue (see the photos posted by fedward), I would get there early and grab a seat at the stools on the left. Good line of sight, your space will be protected.
- for other venues, it can be worth getting there earlyish and getting a standing position by the side of the venue (at least for me, my anxiety is less if I'm not in the middle of a crush of people). My alternative would be get there late and stand at the back.
- not everyone drinks (I wasn't drinking when I went to my last tMG concert). People aren't really too concerned about you; all you "have" to do is show up, cheer at the end of the song, sing along if you like, ideally don't talk all the way through the quiet songs (or sing along so loudly that John makes shushing noises at you, which happened the last time I saw them). Bands like the Mountain Goats have very chilled fans and a sense of community (as you have hopefully found out by now).
posted by Pink Frost at 9:14 PM on September 15, 2017


A couple things to add:
* No one will dance. Or if someone does, it's probably because they're drunk and lots of people are likely to sideye them.
* I've never been to that venue, but I doubt that the chairs on the left of the floor stay for showtime.
* I wouldn't be surprised if the chairs in the middle at the built in tables are taken out as well. Unless you're talking to people who've been to that venue during a sold out show, don't count on there being available chairs or stools.
* You probably can get a spot near a wall, which definitely makes standing for a while easier.
posted by cnc at 10:41 PM on September 15, 2017


Response by poster: It turned out not to be too loud, but I was glad I'd had the earplugs just in case. I wound up doing only enough of the anxiety meds to get there to let me get two drinks once they wore off, not because anybody else expected it but because it did help me relax. It also resulted in a micro-Metafilter-meetup when I ran into ephemerista at the bar before my coworker showed up!

Or if someone does, it's because they're drunk and lots of people are likely to sideye them.

The weird dancing person at this particular show, I regret to say, was not drunk but is just, uh, That Guy, which I know because it's the coworker who invited me. But he's a decent guy, if weird, and I did have a nice time. My feet kind of hurt but I did manage to get a spot at a booth for part of the time and that was enough.

Seriously, this did a lot for helping me to feel like I knew what I was getting into, and now I've been there, done that, and bought the t-shirt (literally), thanks to absolutely everybody who replied and I hope maybe it'll do the same for someone else in this position later.
posted by Sequence at 10:47 PM on September 15, 2017 [59 favorites]


MGs with mothers at the gothic theatre, denver 4/5.

MG drummer *kills*

mothers are awesome. lotta offtime rhythms, cool weird vocals.
posted by j_curiouser at 2:32 AM on September 17, 2017 [1 favorite]


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