Help with the jealous dark side

January 23, 2006 2:25 PM

Man I am a dumbass. I have a wonderful new boyfriend of about 6 months - who I absolutely truly adore - on the heels of surviving a really crappy five year marriage and divorce last year. Long story short, we were out over the weekend, drank a LOT, and he gave some (nice actually) girl that we were talking to a hug, told her that she felt "little and cute." I think the girl hugged me too. There was NOTHING lascivious there, he's just like that. Very warm person. Out of nowhere, I got very emotional. Told him that it upset me and we went 'round, tears and all. I am crazy about this guy, and really not a jealous person, this was deep, drunken, and came out of what seemed like nowhere from a dark place inside . We're cool, a little strained, it's weird things have been absolutley perfect up until this point, but no talk about putting the breaks on. I need help with two things one- how can I stop beating myself up over this and two-where in the hell did this jealousy come from? I really really like this guy...and we're cool, just mentally doing the equivalent of slapping my head with a shoe...I do not want to be a jealous person...
posted by mad_little_monkey to human relations (30 comments total)

Allow yourself to make mistakes. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Allow yourself to be irrational and silly at times. Allow it all. It's just you, warts and all. Embrace yourself as imperfect AND loveable. Those two things are not mutually exclusive. I promise. (I'm in the process of learning the same thing myself!)
posted by scody at 2:31 PM on January 23, 2006

It is normal for you to be at least slightly jealous of him hugging another girl in front of you - but you shouldn't get too paranoid about it.

It is even more normal for you to feel a bit of concern about his remarks, that she feels "little and cute" - he's complimenting another girl (and flirting a bit) in front of you.

It is yet even MORE normal for these feelings that should range from minor to medium to be amplified greatly by alcohol.

While this is only my opinion, I would say the following:

Anyone who says they're "not a jealous person" has either never really liked someone a lot, or is way too trusting.

This is a bit of a cynical view, but I don't think we're genetically predisposed to monogamy - it's something we have to force ourselves into. However, we're socially conditioned enough through our culture that we feel massive amounts of guilt if we don't stick to this whole monogamy thing.

If it has blown over a bit (ie if this was a week ago) - probably just let it slide and don't bring it up.

If it hasn't blown over entirely just yet, then talk to him, explain that you were drunk and that emotions were amplified. Explain that you're normally not a jealous or paranoid person, and that you trust him, and that this reaction must obviously mean you like him quite a bit -- he'll take that as a compliment.

As a guy, I don't think it's unfair of me to ask my girlfriend to try to limit her affections with other men while I'm watching. A greeting hug is fine, but a flirty comment/compliment would bother me a bit too - you're not abnormal.

As far as where the jealousy comes from: One of two places:

1) Some sort of mistrust -- do you see a pattern of things that indicate you don't fully trust him yet? That you've ever suspected him of wandering eyes? Maybe it's unrelated to him entirely -- Were you cheated on in a previous relationship?

2) Less negatively -- maybe you just haven't really felt this strongly about someone before, so you've never really been affected as much by their flirtations/interactions with others.


I think from what you describe (with no other context of course) it sounds like you'll be just fine. Just be open and honest with each other. As cliche as it is, communication is key. Just remember that for every concession you ask him to make (i.e. "could you maybe avoid making comments like that in front of me? it intimidates me a bit") - you should be willing to make one for him.
posted by twiggy at 2:34 PM on January 23, 2006

Several things--first, you do feel jealousy. Nobody is a "jealous person," but some people feel jealousy more than others, and some express that more than others.

(1) Stopping beating yourself up.
(a) First, acknowledge you did feel jealous. Then acknowledge that you are a human being and that human beings feel jealousy from time to time. The fact that you did so means very little, it appears. You can write down that you feel angry at yourself when you do and then write down that it is normal to occasionally feel jealous from time to time.
(b) get a little counter thing. Every time you feel like beating yourself up about it, click the counter. Seems weird, but the beating up part will go away rather fast.
(2) Where did it come from?
Um, you are occasionally afraid that you will lose someone you have strong feelings for. That's as human as it gets. Its fine to feel that way--happens to people all of the time. There's nothing wrong with it. When it becomes an obession, then you have a problem. But the odds of that are low if you are honest with yourself and start being your own best friend.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:34 PM on January 23, 2006

Relationships aren't perfect. Accepting only perfectin means accepting failure. Apologies and making-up make relationships work. Apologize, enjoy what you have and move on.
posted by caddis at 2:34 PM on January 23, 2006

Also--you are not a dumbass--or rather every person who has been in a sexual relationship is a dumbass. Either way, no need to beat yourself up. Not helpful.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:36 PM on January 23, 2006

god you guys are awesome
it is just helping not to feel abnormal about this
I'm a pretty lovable girl (I think) and i do just really deeply care about this man, and I was scorched in my former marriage.
embracing myself as imperfect is not easy, but what i need to do...and this ((Anyone who says they're "not a jealous person" has either never really liked someone a lot, or is way too trusting)) really helped too.
/still hitting my head with the show, just not as hard
posted by mad_little_monkey at 2:38 PM on January 23, 2006

/shoe
posted by mad_little_monkey at 2:38 PM on January 23, 2006

Who wouldn't be jealous? He was flirting right in front of you. Either accept it, or confront it. Of course, if he finds it ok to tell a girl she feels "little and cute" in his arms, it's not too far from "you've got a nice little ass".

Or you could take the dr. phil approach, which scody already has covered.

(and everyone will disagree with me I know, but if you wouldn't have been there, where does that conversation go? So disagree with me, or hate me, but if I told a girl she felt little and cute, it's not the same as talking about a puppy dog.)

Lastly, your guy + drinking - you = trouble.
posted by justgary at 2:41 PM on January 23, 2006

god thanks again. i have a pedometer here on my desk that i'm going to hack into a counter and click when I beat up on myself. i don't even want to ask him not to do this, he's a warm guy and i don't want him to change. i need to just chill and let go of this, and continue to really be crazy about him but figure out how to not overdo it because i feel so crappy right now...

/coming in off the ledge, putting down the shoe
posted by mad_little_monkey at 2:43 PM on January 23, 2006

still wondering where all this comes from though...and how to not be overzealous from here on in...
posted by mad_little_monkey at 2:56 PM on January 23, 2006

I have much confidence in the results.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:59 PM on January 23, 2006

Don't drink so much when you're out.
posted by Paris Hilton at 2:59 PM on January 23, 2006

This is a bit of a cynical view, but I don't think we're genetically predisposed to monogamy - it's something we have to force ourselves into. However, we're socially conditioned enough through our culture that we feel massive amounts of guilt if we don't stick to this whole monogamy thing.

It's not all social conditioning.
posted by Paris Hilton at 3:00 PM on January 23, 2006

Don't worry so much, that's what got you into trouble in the first place. If you're drunk, tired, sick, or even just a little out of your element you're bound to let some of the worries you've held inside pour out. Don't feel crappy -- nearly everyone I know has done this at some point.

Where did it come from? That's easy, you're human! Everyone has things they worry about and they often come out in moments like that. I've had a similar moment with my girlfriend and it wasn't even anything I did -- she'd just had a few drinks and had been talking to some old friends she ran into. I'd imagine it brought out some memories that made her lash out, or maybe it was me anyway.

Just file away what he did in your mind -- don't disregard it as "that was my fault" just because you happened to blow up afterward, but it's not worth a confrontation. Then realize that you did what you did because you like him, and because you worry about relationships because of your past experience. There's some rational stuff behind all that emotion.
posted by mikeh at 3:04 PM on January 23, 2006

If I could pass one new law in this country about marriage it would state: no one is allowed to get remarried untill that person has not been married for five years. Ever. After a broken marriage or long-term relationship, any one would be in an emotional whirlwind and unsure of what he or she is doing and why etc....it does take time to clear the aire (so to speak) from that earlier relationship, and in a new one, you are still breathing that air.

You can expect to do stupid things when you drink too much. Most people do. You can expect to be jealous: most people are. You can expect a guy or woman to be a bit flirtatious with an attractive person no matter how much that person cares for you. If the guy (or girl) is careful not to do such things early in the game, he or she will shortly after marriage or after a long-term relationship.
posted by Postroad at 3:08 PM on January 23, 2006

Don't drink so much when you're out.

Yeah, this is mostly what this is about. Part of your jealousy, I'm sure, is the residue of the crappy five-year marriage, but it would never have come out minus the excess of alcohol. I'm not being judgmental at all—I've done equally embarrassing things when drunk—just pointing out a factor you shouldn't omit to consider.

And you sound like a really nice gal who really loves her man; I suspect you won't have a hard time reassuring him things are OK.
posted by languagehat at 3:08 PM on January 23, 2006

I think justgary made some good points actually. You say you have known him for six months and thus far, have had a "perfect" relationship? Why then are you guys acting "cool" towards each other even after you (presumably) apologized after this one isolated event? Or is it only him who is being a little withdrawn now? You mention his wonderfulness and how you don't want him to change but why not consider your own and what good things you've been bringing to this relationship as well. Obviously you have to be doing something right if you are still dating after six months, right? I think you are castigating yourself so so much here---cut yourself some slack.

Finally as others have said, just watch the excessive drinking so you'll be able handle any insecurities differently. Getting past and well over a 5-year crap marriage is not easy for you--- and I hope he knows that.
posted by clon7 at 3:35 PM on January 23, 2006

You say you have known him for six months and thus far, have had a "perfect" relationship? Why then are you guys acting "cool" towards each other even after you (presumably) apologized after this one isolated event? Or is it only him who is being a little withdrawn now?

you know - we're not acting "cool" to each other, just both in a little bit of shock because things have really been blissful. The whole night was blissful that night, up until the Great Hug Incident of 2006. It was like it just jarred something loose in me.

I do need to cut myself some slack, I do. I'm just freaked. My marriage was hell, this relationship is bliss. Truly. I don't want to be a jackass and screw it up at all...

I'm just scared to death that some residuals from my marriage are still in there, and god knows I do not want them to ruin my chances of being happy in the future. Especally with this person, he is really neat, really cool.
I also know that I am pretty vulnerable right now, and am scared to death that the other shoe is going to drop.

This guy is fantastic, it's just been the first time in 6 months that things have been anything but pure happiness. I really want him to know that this is not my way (it's not, although I really don't know how I'd feel to see him give affection to someone else, judging on the other night I guess I'd come unglued).

I've just given over my heart, I think that's the scary part. I don't want to be stupid, and by trusting him, I don't think I am, its just, while fantastic, scary at the same time.

Being happy, post divorce, does feel strangely scary...
posted by mad_little_monkey at 3:54 PM on January 23, 2006

my mantra has become "stop comparing myself to other women." I had to kick myself in the tookus a few times to realize that the reason my awesome, fabulous, loving, and thoughtful boyfriend is with me is perhaps maybe that he thinks *I'm* awesome, too, and together we have something special that just any ol' 'cute' and 'little' girl at the bar wouldn't understand 8-)

It can take a little while to build up that feeling of security and stability in a relationship. Don't beat yourself up for feeling a momentary lapse or for feeling a little unsteady after your spat.
posted by missmobtown at 4:00 PM on January 23, 2006

I'll play Dr. Phil here and disagree with the "it's OK, you're only human, don't worry about it" sentiment. I mean, I don't think you should beat yourself up over it, but clearly, there's some insecurity here. A hug turned into tears. Something ain't right, and it's likely still hanging around.

You say you were scorched by your previous marriage. That's a strong term. Perhaps some simple, low-impact counseling could help? Or heck -- find a friend and lay the cards on the table. At the very least, you'd be speaking to a human, instead of reading a forum thread -- albeit a very helpful one.
posted by frogan at 4:00 PM on January 23, 2006

I'm just scared to death that some residuals from my marriage are still in there, and god knows I do not want them to ruin my chances of being happy in the future. [...] This guy is fantastic, it's just been the first time in 6 months that things have been anything but pure happiness. I really want him to know that this is not my way.

I keep recommending this book in other threads and I'm going to recommend it again here (no, I swear, I get no kickbacks from the publisher), because it's so good about addressing exactly these issues in what I find to be a really insightful and even transformative in a very simple, compassionate way.
posted by scody at 4:30 PM on January 23, 2006

I think you came to askme with this question more for support than an answer. Your 'best answers' are basically "you're ok, we're ok, you're just human" answers, which, while they have their place don't really solve everything. For everything there is a season, and a time....beautiful and true. Doesn't help.

As cliche as it is, communication is key. Just remember that for every concession you ask him to make (i.e. "could you maybe avoid making comments like that in front of me? it intimidates me a bit") - you should be willing to make one for him.

So make those comments when she's not around? And not flirting with with other females in front of her is a 'concession'? And we wonder why relationships don't work.
posted by justgary at 5:08 PM on January 23, 2006

You were drunk.
Your inhibitions were down.

And you got jealous.

Now that you're sober...do you still feel this way? What happens the next time you drink too much?

I think this line is the most telling:
on the heels of surviving a really crappy five year marriage and divorce last year.

Realistically you got into this relationship too soon. You still have some distrust of men, especially when your inhibitions are lowered.

Slow down. If he's the bestest guy ever, adding an extra six months, ain't going to hurt anyone.

Oh, and you're beating yourself up because you behaved poorly - the sooner you admit to it, apologize and move on the sooner it'll be history.
posted by filmgeek at 5:39 PM on January 23, 2006

Yeah, I did behave poorly.

I have apologized profusely. He's been fine, direct, honest, coming by later so we can "hug it out. "

But I know I shook him up, and for that I hate myself right now, because I really, really dig this man. I hate that I made things the least bit uncomfortable, hence slapping my own head with a shoe. I am so freaking sorry that its hard to move on...

I hate that I was the one in this wonderful thing to be an ass. Part of me feels human about it, I mean, watching someone I like so much throw his arms around a stranger and be affectionate was jarring.

I mean, it wasn't huge, just tears in a Steak and Shake at 3am, and a sulky, hung over Sunday. I didn't go bananas, frankly was just shocked at the depths of my feelings for this guy.

I really really want to move on. I'll see him tonight - I want to act like nothing happened, but on the inside I just want to throw my arms around him and be sorry...
posted by mad_little_monkey at 5:54 PM on January 23, 2006

Suggest throwing arms around him if its been six months. Don't be a nut, but its OK to allow yourself to feel relieved. You're just human. That's all.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:32 PM on January 23, 2006

I get jealous and/or mentally bent way too far out of shape about things like that when I'm PMSing. Could hormones have been part of the issue in your case, esp. in conjunction with the alcohol? (Just a question—'cause for my part, I've learned to check out that contingency whenever I overreact to something like that.)

In any case, just throw your arms around him and explain how you feel like you overreacted. You guys can laugh it off, and then potentially talk about how to deal with small overreactions like that in the future.
posted by limeonaire at 8:38 PM on January 23, 2006

I would talk to him - but don't overreact about the overreacting. Tell him how you feel, but just keep it short and simple. If you belabor it, he's way more likely to do so as well.

Maybe it just really hit you how much you like him, and you got scared. It's okay to feel that way, and it's natural to be scared you might lose that. But don't react to that by grasping too tightly - here's some of the best relationship advice I ever got: "If you grasp a fish too tightly, it will always slip out of your grasp. Hold it loosely." It came from a fortune cookie, but it's become kind of a mantra for me.

Enjoy what you have with this guy, and don't let worry cloud that for you.
posted by KAS at 7:05 AM on January 24, 2006

Well, ok. Having been there and back again.

First, of course there is going to be some residual stuff from your former marriage still hanging around. You will probably never get rid of it. In general, this is a good thing because if we started completely fresh with every relationship, we wouldn't learn from our mistakes. What helps is learning to recognize when you are falling into the trap of assuming your current partner is just like some old relationship.

Second, how much of this is due to "first big fight" jitters? My first big fights are almost always terrifying. And lets face it, "don't go to bed mad" does not always work. There are going to be some disagreements that will leave the both of you cool, awkward and insecure for some time afterwards. Personally, I think that learning to fight together is as important as learning to have fun together. But we tend to talk a lot more about how to have sex with a person for the first time than how to fight with a person for the first time.

I don't think it's a good idea to pretend that nothing happened. On the other hand, apologizing and talking it to death is just as bad.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 7:24 AM on January 24, 2006

"I think the girl hugged me too."

And just what was that about? Was a three-way being hinted at? Too much booze and too much fooling around with emotions. It's time you and your guy talked, without alcohol's "help."
posted by Carol Anne at 5:39 AM on January 25, 2006

Everybody has little irrational emotions (spikes of jealousy or anger, mini-crushes, etc.). However, because they're irrational, we ignore them, and they go away. When you're drunk, though, your overall rationality is impaired, and emotions are amplified, so you tend to do stupid things like overreacting to your boyfriend giving another girl a hug, or making out (etc.) with a stranger you otherwise would ignore, or having a fight with your friend about whether there's any point to reading Faulkner, or eating a Monte Cristo. These things (mostly) aren't signs that you're a jealous person, a slut, a combative pedant, or a glutton; they're silly irrational things that go on in everyone's head and only escaped yours because alcohol fucks with your output filters.

Except when they're manifestations of something strong you don't want to admit is going on in your head and suppress when you're sober. In which case, it's a problem you need to do some serious thinking about and/or get some qualified help with. The only person who can tell you which it is is yourself.
posted by fidelity at 9:11 AM on January 25, 2006