Daughter just started Grade 3 and is having a tough time.
September 8, 2017 11:36 AM Subscribe
My 7-year-old daughter suddenly doesn't want to go to school, spending the day crying and telling the teacher that she misses her mom. What could be the underlying reason?
A bit of background:
My wife and I have one daughter. No issues at home, happy family life, etc. Our 7-year-old is always smiling, pretty well-adjusted and happy-go-lucky.
She started Grade 3 this week. She was absolutely thrilled to be going back to school, talking about it as the summer drew to a close, looking forward to seeing her friends, etc.
Even talking to her after school on the first day, she was saying how much she likes her new teacher, etc.
On day two, something changed. She got through the day, but apparently was crying in the afternoon, telling the teacher that she wanted to go home and missed her mom. We chalked it up to tiredness and a new grade.
Day three, my wife dropped her off. She refused to leave her side. Sobbing and crying and telling her that she didn't want to go. It took an hour to get her in. By the afternoon, the principal called and said that she needed to be picked up because she was in a panic and was crying all day.
Needless to say, I've had a couple of extended, empathetic heart-to-hearts with her. She claims that nothing is wrong with the school (she says the work is easy), the teacher (who is wonderful), and has dismissed the notion of a class bully. When pressed, she admits that she's not used to grade 3 and is just nervous. I talk her down, she's able to articulate that she enjoys school, but that she doesn't know why and she wants to be with her mom.
She was never a particularly clingy child with her mother in the past, so his has completely come out of the blue.
Fast forward to today. She was dropped off without incident. By lunch time she was in he principal's office in tears asking for her mom.
She won't tell me in any concrete way what the issue is. Nothing I can fix. I've exhausted all options and can only settle on the fact that she's nearly 8, and as she's getting older, she's gaining independence. That independence is also scary for her. She realizes that being home with Mom is just safer. I suspect she has anxiety about what she doesn't know; all the new things coming in Grade 3.
She initially struggled in Grade 1 and she got over it.
Any advice that one could proffer would be much appreciated. This is completely out of left field and out of character.
A bit of background:
My wife and I have one daughter. No issues at home, happy family life, etc. Our 7-year-old is always smiling, pretty well-adjusted and happy-go-lucky.
She started Grade 3 this week. She was absolutely thrilled to be going back to school, talking about it as the summer drew to a close, looking forward to seeing her friends, etc.
Even talking to her after school on the first day, she was saying how much she likes her new teacher, etc.
On day two, something changed. She got through the day, but apparently was crying in the afternoon, telling the teacher that she wanted to go home and missed her mom. We chalked it up to tiredness and a new grade.
Day three, my wife dropped her off. She refused to leave her side. Sobbing and crying and telling her that she didn't want to go. It took an hour to get her in. By the afternoon, the principal called and said that she needed to be picked up because she was in a panic and was crying all day.
Needless to say, I've had a couple of extended, empathetic heart-to-hearts with her. She claims that nothing is wrong with the school (she says the work is easy), the teacher (who is wonderful), and has dismissed the notion of a class bully. When pressed, she admits that she's not used to grade 3 and is just nervous. I talk her down, she's able to articulate that she enjoys school, but that she doesn't know why and she wants to be with her mom.
She was never a particularly clingy child with her mother in the past, so his has completely come out of the blue.
Fast forward to today. She was dropped off without incident. By lunch time she was in he principal's office in tears asking for her mom.
She won't tell me in any concrete way what the issue is. Nothing I can fix. I've exhausted all options and can only settle on the fact that she's nearly 8, and as she's getting older, she's gaining independence. That independence is also scary for her. She realizes that being home with Mom is just safer. I suspect she has anxiety about what she doesn't know; all the new things coming in Grade 3.
She initially struggled in Grade 1 and she got over it.
Any advice that one could proffer would be much appreciated. This is completely out of left field and out of character.
Love the talisman idea above. Is it possible that your daughter heard of a classmate's mother falling ill while at school, or saw/heard somehting on the news? Or perhaps something about parents being separated from a child (e.g., recent terror attack in Barcelona or floods in Texas)? This is different, I know, but one of my nephews--the same age as your daughter--learned of a family's pet dying while they were on vacation and he became terrified of the thought. He even cried when visiting us as he was worried that when he left our dog would die! I wonder if your daughter has picked up on a thought like this?
posted by stillmoving at 11:48 AM on September 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by stillmoving at 11:48 AM on September 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
My first reaction was that there was some sort of issue (maybe on the playground?) with another student or group of students.
I would continue to inquire about the reasons with her. I would explain that separation can be anxious at any age or in any circumstance. I would acknowledge how hard it can be and that you appreciate her feelings. At the same time, I would insist she go to school and separate.
posted by AugustWest at 11:51 AM on September 8, 2017 [3 favorites]
I would continue to inquire about the reasons with her. I would explain that separation can be anxious at any age or in any circumstance. I would acknowledge how hard it can be and that you appreciate her feelings. At the same time, I would insist she go to school and separate.
posted by AugustWest at 11:51 AM on September 8, 2017 [3 favorites]
Third grade for my daughter was similar (she's now in 4th grade). She really disliked school out of the blue and at one point was saying her stomach hurt, felt like she was going to throw up, lots of reasons to stay home. She did open up eventually about a boy and a girl who weren't hardcore bullying but teasing her. Once they figured out how sensitive she is they seemed to escalate it. It didn't help that her teacher was not all that friendly like the previous teacher, she was more about getting down to 3rd grade business. The way we got our daughter to talk about it was through play. Kids open up a lot when you do role playing, like with Barbies. You can make up stories about the dolls and what and why they are doing things. It's a lot easier for them to articulate when they're playing like this. Maybe get the dolls out and guide them to a scenario that may help your daughter say why her doll doesn't like going to school or why she is afraid, nervous, etc. and stuff like that. It has to be natural, of course, so that your daughter doesn't feel pressured to talk about things she's afraid of but rather what the doll is afraid of. Once we learned about what our daughter was feeling about school and these other kids we talked to her teacher and the principal about it in a way that wan't accusatory or angry, just these are the facts and what should we all be doing to help her? They were great and eventually it got much better, the other kids stopped bothering her. I think it helped our daughter know that bad situations can get resolved,etc. Now she says she loves school.
posted by waving at 11:57 AM on September 8, 2017 [10 favorites]
posted by waving at 11:57 AM on September 8, 2017 [10 favorites]
Does she have a friend from the previous grade in her class? Maybe inviting this friend over to your home after school could help your daughter connect with him/her, and then she can feel that she has someone at the school that she feels close to and is her ally.
posted by Vispa Teresa at 11:59 AM on September 8, 2017
posted by Vispa Teresa at 11:59 AM on September 8, 2017
Can you find out from the teacher or principal if another cild in her grade (not necessarily someone she is close to) either separated or died or is seriously ill? Children discuss these events among themselves and may conclude this will also happen to them. When a family in my sons grade split and the boy moved to another country with the father but without the mother my son was terrified this would happen to us too despite the fact that their circumstances are not remotely like ours.
I did not find out from my son directly but from another parent when we discussed how clingy our 8-year-old s had suddenly become.
When i asked him directly ifhe worried that our family would split and he move to another country with dad, he looked relived and said yes. Apparently kids at school had discussed it and as my husband is often travelling other kids told him he would move next. Not with malice but based on whose dad travels most.
posted by 15L06 at 12:07 PM on September 8, 2017
I did not find out from my son directly but from another parent when we discussed how clingy our 8-year-old s had suddenly become.
When i asked him directly ifhe worried that our family would split and he move to another country with dad, he looked relived and said yes. Apparently kids at school had discussed it and as my husband is often travelling other kids told him he would move next. Not with malice but based on whose dad travels most.
posted by 15L06 at 12:07 PM on September 8, 2017
This reads so much like the behavior a sensitive kid would have in the wake of a bullying situation. I read the part where she said that's not what it is, but I'd still wonder. I'd imagine you might still wonder that, too. That's a tricky place to be in because you want to respect your kid's word, but you still have to allow for the possibility that it's either a matter of her not wanting to admit she's being bullied or not entirely understanding that's the case. My kid was bullied a bit and didn't want to admit it. We had to coax it out of him in stages and avoid actually using the word bullying, or anything else that would set him off.
Or course, if it's none of these, then the very idea is just noise and extra anxiety if you pursue it too loudly.
I wish you the best and you sound like a good parent. Trust your own instincts.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 12:08 PM on September 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
Or course, if it's none of these, then the very idea is just noise and extra anxiety if you pursue it too loudly.
I wish you the best and you sound like a good parent. Trust your own instincts.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 12:08 PM on September 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
True life story ripped from the headlines my 3rd grade life:
Might she have told a friend in confidence that she liked a particular boy and that secret got leaked and she won't say what went wrong because it's embarrassing to admit she has a crush?
p.s. Alison what you did was mean.
posted by phunniemee at 12:09 PM on September 8, 2017 [28 favorites]
Might she have told a friend in confidence that she liked a particular boy and that secret got leaked and she won't say what went wrong because it's embarrassing to admit she has a crush?
p.s. Alison what you did was mean.
posted by phunniemee at 12:09 PM on September 8, 2017 [28 favorites]
To find out if it's related to bullying, try to get her to talk about her classmates and other kids at school: "Who do you like best? Who do you like to play with during recess? Who would you want to work on a project with, and why? Who would you not like to work on a project with, and why not?"
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 12:11 PM on September 8, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 12:11 PM on September 8, 2017 [4 favorites]
Nobody comes pre-installed with anxiety management tools, they have to be learned. A lot of kids can only articulate anxiety as "stomach hurts" and it can also manifest as FOMO or homesickness. Third grade is kind of the point where you realize there are TWELVE total grades and you're going to be doing this a long-ass time, and that school has stakes and the way our culture is structured your life could be ruined if you don't do school right. Even without the additional layer of the social jungle, which is complicated even when things are pretty good, it's a tough gig. Who wouldn't want to go somewhere that feels safe?
There's a million learning tools out there for parents and kids, and you may have to do some experimentation before you find the ones that fit your personality and hers, but don't not do anything. Getting the skills for managing the anxiety, and learning communication skills for talking about it and asking for help and intelligently processing those feelings is a big deal, and important for her development. There doesn't have to be a bully (though one day it will be a bully, if not today) or sketchy situation or inciting incident to start learning and working on those skills.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:14 PM on September 8, 2017 [4 favorites]
There's a million learning tools out there for parents and kids, and you may have to do some experimentation before you find the ones that fit your personality and hers, but don't not do anything. Getting the skills for managing the anxiety, and learning communication skills for talking about it and asking for help and intelligently processing those feelings is a big deal, and important for her development. There doesn't have to be a bully (though one day it will be a bully, if not today) or sketchy situation or inciting incident to start learning and working on those skills.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:14 PM on September 8, 2017 [4 favorites]
I know it seems young but if she's almost 8 it could be hormones making their first appearance. She could just be really tired for some other health reason and her little brain is trying to cope by clinging to mom/safety. Might want to get her checked out just to rule stuff out.
posted by bleep at 12:14 PM on September 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by bleep at 12:14 PM on September 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
My son had a lot of anxiety at the start of each school year. It was not tied to a bully, just his own personality and a tough time with transitioning from summer to school. What helped was having a secret curated collection of home things in his backpack (or desk) that he could look at, touch, whenever he felt that anxiety (a preschool teacher started this concept for him, calling it his "Happy Box"). The ability to retreat to a tangible and assorted selection of things that represented a safe/calm/loving place helped him cope immensely. And the process of finding just the right things to put into the envelope/box/backpack section with his parents seemed to be a good act in itself/good time to talk about feelings. Good luck to your family.
posted by rabidsegue at 12:17 PM on September 8, 2017 [6 favorites]
posted by rabidsegue at 12:17 PM on September 8, 2017 [6 favorites]
This isn't intended to scare you at all, but I have struggled with episodes of depression and anxiety for most of my life, and they first manifested themselves when I was just a few months older than she is. What would have helped me back then (but never happened) would have been if someone had sat down with me and explained that it was OK to feel sad or scared, that sometimes people feel these things without fully understanding why, but that it doesn't last forever and there are things we can do to make it easier. Learning some simple mindfulness techniques would probably have helped me then (at least, they helped when I eventually discovered them 30 years later). I think Thich Nhat Hanh has written some books about teaching mindfulness to children. Whatever else you do, please keep encouraging her to talk to you about her feelings, and listen in a nonjudgmental way.
posted by Perodicticus potto at 12:53 PM on September 8, 2017 [10 favorites]
posted by Perodicticus potto at 12:53 PM on September 8, 2017 [10 favorites]
Is she eating her lunch and her snacks? My kiddo was skipping meals for a while because he wanted to play, and he felt that eating was taking time away from his playtime. But when his blood sugar gets low he's a mess (either crying or hangry) and he's not able to articulate why.
We began stressing to him the importance of both eating and keeping himself hydrated, and worked with him to begin to realize on bad days that his mood was tied to his lack of eating and drinking. We had him give input on lunch and snack items that he felt he could eat quickly. And we began bringing extra snacks and milk or water to pick up, having him eat as soon as he gets in the car before we even ask him about his day. It helps. We also don't send any sugar to school (sweets or juice) because he's equally a mess when he has a sugar crash.
posted by vignettist at 12:53 PM on September 8, 2017 [4 favorites]
We began stressing to him the importance of both eating and keeping himself hydrated, and worked with him to begin to realize on bad days that his mood was tied to his lack of eating and drinking. We had him give input on lunch and snack items that he felt he could eat quickly. And we began bringing extra snacks and milk or water to pick up, having him eat as soon as he gets in the car before we even ask him about his day. It helps. We also don't send any sugar to school (sweets or juice) because he's equally a mess when he has a sugar crash.
posted by vignettist at 12:53 PM on September 8, 2017 [4 favorites]
Excellent answers above. I'd just add that I think there's at least some possibility she is also going through a sort of delayed clinginess. I was reassured that it's healthy? You say she was never really clingy - I think it's a phase that all kids will go through eventually and repeatedly. I realize 8 is pretty late for that, but my nephew never went through it until about 6. Sorry, it's so hard to watch your children struggle.
posted by kitcat at 1:06 PM on September 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by kitcat at 1:06 PM on September 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
Either there is a bully or a perceived bully or the other kids are teasing her and she can't handle it but is accurately reporting that there is not a bully because she knows they are just teasing (kids are weird about accuracy in reporting). I almost guarantee it. The other option is that she has a medical or fear issue she doesn't want to discuss, pooping related is typical for kids that age but spiders in the bathroom or a fear something will happen to the home or family while she's gone are not uncommon. She might be more willing to talk to another older kid like a cousin or trusted adult, but only you know your kid that well.
posted by fshgrl at 1:53 PM on September 8, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by fshgrl at 1:53 PM on September 8, 2017 [3 favorites]
How is the anxiety level in the home? It's a pretty tense time out there right now for lots of people, so it might be her bringing some generalized anxiety into a new situation.
Not that that is necessarily a helpful observation, but perhaps bringing some stress-abatement practices into the home might be smart. (This came up in my extended family recently and there was a suggestion not to talk too much about politics.)
posted by vunder at 2:52 PM on September 8, 2017
Not that that is necessarily a helpful observation, but perhaps bringing some stress-abatement practices into the home might be smart. (This came up in my extended family recently and there was a suggestion not to talk too much about politics.)
posted by vunder at 2:52 PM on September 8, 2017
It sounds like she had a totally normal reaction to her new surroundings, and then she got what she wanted (to go home). Each day she repeats the crying and gets to go home. My best friend did the same thing in second grade, for what it's worth. IMHO you need to have a serious chat with her. If she feels upset she can go to the nurses office but ahe can't come home.
posted by pintapicasso at 3:08 PM on September 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by pintapicasso at 3:08 PM on September 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
That is around the age that my anxiety problem started to become what should, in retrospect, have been noticeable.
My adult life would have been massively easier if I'd started seeing a therapist when I had a minor problem as a child and not when I was a total mess in college. The fact that this isn't massively outside the realm of normal doesn't mean that it can't help to take it seriously--in fact, I think it's a good idea to model that CBT (or similar) exercises and talking to a therapist are well within the range of a normal and basically healthy life, and not a last resort.
posted by Sequence at 3:17 PM on September 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
My adult life would have been massively easier if I'd started seeing a therapist when I had a minor problem as a child and not when I was a total mess in college. The fact that this isn't massively outside the realm of normal doesn't mean that it can't help to take it seriously--in fact, I think it's a good idea to model that CBT (or similar) exercises and talking to a therapist are well within the range of a normal and basically healthy life, and not a last resort.
posted by Sequence at 3:17 PM on September 8, 2017 [2 favorites]
It doesn't necessarily have to be a bully situation. She could just feel unliked or unaccepted. Feeling like an outsider can come from many places. Mine was always self-inflicted. Looking back, I see that I was liked, but I never, ever felt that way. It was anxiety producing.
posted by Vaike at 3:35 PM on September 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Vaike at 3:35 PM on September 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
Like a terrier chasing a rat, I would pursue any and all scenarios that might involve teasing and/or bullying.
posted by Beholder at 6:04 PM on September 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Beholder at 6:04 PM on September 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
Ok a few things that have been an issue with us:
1. Teeth.
2. Growth spurts
3. Blood sugar/protein failure
4. Lunchtime social exhaustion...see above
5. Social pressure
6. Little llama being young -- birthday borderline on grade starts
First three things I woud try are dark chocolate almonds in lunch, Advil, extra hugging.
/parent of nine year old so not super-skilled
posted by A Terrible Llama at 6:41 PM on September 8, 2017 [3 favorites]
1. Teeth.
2. Growth spurts
3. Blood sugar/protein failure
4. Lunchtime social exhaustion...see above
5. Social pressure
6. Little llama being young -- birthday borderline on grade starts
First three things I woud try are dark chocolate almonds in lunch, Advil, extra hugging.
/parent of nine year old so not super-skilled
posted by A Terrible Llama at 6:41 PM on September 8, 2017 [3 favorites]
Would add this is the age where social pressure becomes a thing, so shore up communications avenues. Don't try to solve all things, bit try to make sure it's ok to talk about them.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 6:43 PM on September 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by A Terrible Llama at 6:43 PM on September 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
This year on the first day of school a friend's 3rd-grade daughter's class was told to "find a friend to share your table with". Subject 3rd grader has plenty of friends but is on the quiet side, so rather than scramble for a table partner she sat at a table and waited to see which friend would join her. In the end she did not have a table mate (odd number of kids in the class) and she was devastated, thinking no one liked her. Friend had to intervene with the teacher on her behalf. Could something similar have happened in your kiddo's classroom?
posted by vignettist at 10:19 PM on September 8, 2017
posted by vignettist at 10:19 PM on September 8, 2017
Don't forget that it is possible that Little Tenacious might not have any social problems - but could be coming down with something, so that she is feeling really tired and low ebb for purely physiological reasons. It may happen that the new schedule of attending school instead of summer off my be a physically demanding transition. If she has spent every morning in pajamas until 11 AM she might just be clingy because she wants to go back to bed.
Also consider that the new school environment may have sensory, non social triggers. If her classroom is just down the hall from the lunch room she may be spending the morning smelling cheap beef gravy heating up. Or that new fashionable outfit you bought for her that she really, really wants to wear might be made of some prickly fabric but obviously she's not going to want to toss the high status social marker, and telling you, "It itches!' is simply not an option for her - especially if she is overwhelmed and doesn't know what is making her feel so overloaded, what with noise, new faces, people who got together with each other over the summer, but not with her, a new teacher who doesn't seem to like her, and all the rest hitting at once.
posted by Jane the Brown at 4:52 AM on September 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
Also consider that the new school environment may have sensory, non social triggers. If her classroom is just down the hall from the lunch room she may be spending the morning smelling cheap beef gravy heating up. Or that new fashionable outfit you bought for her that she really, really wants to wear might be made of some prickly fabric but obviously she's not going to want to toss the high status social marker, and telling you, "It itches!' is simply not an option for her - especially if she is overwhelmed and doesn't know what is making her feel so overloaded, what with noise, new faces, people who got together with each other over the summer, but not with her, a new teacher who doesn't seem to like her, and all the rest hitting at once.
posted by Jane the Brown at 4:52 AM on September 9, 2017 [2 favorites]
I suggest getting her sight and hearing checked.
If she's having a hard time with either of those things it would explain her behavior.
posted by TooFewShoes at 12:49 AM on September 10, 2017
If she's having a hard time with either of those things it would explain her behavior.
posted by TooFewShoes at 12:49 AM on September 10, 2017
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posted by cacao at 11:40 AM on September 8, 2017 [7 favorites]