Is this generalized angst, mid-life angst, or something more?

September 4, 2017 8:10 PM

I've had peaks and valleys of depression and contentment (never outright blissful joy, I'm just not made that way). Recently, I've found myself to be in a lot more valleys than peaks and I want to get some perspective on whether this is a thing or A Thing.

Not asking MeFi to diagnose me, I do have access to mental health providers who are good but I like to use them sparingly if possible.

On paper, my life circumstances are pretty good. Stable loving marriage, two healthy and happy children, plenty of work that is interesting and mostly rewarding, supportive friends, and other than hurricane threats and extremely red politics all around me, a pretty good quality of life.

And yet. I find myself getting jealous of dead people. As in, they finally get to get off of the merry-go-round and I'm stuck going around again and again. I get mentally exhausted reading the news or trying to stay engaged in the world. I frequently wonder, "what is the point?" of just about most pursuits. My reading has been self-censored to the point of absurdity because I can't stand encountering difficult content (abuse, violence, etc). I almost didn't make it through Game of Thrones this season due to this. I often think about what it would be like to go to sleep and never wake up. (NOTE: I am not actively contemplating anything in the realm of self-harm.)

My children at 7 and 4.75. The 7 year old is taking 7 out for a spin of epic proportions and it is freaking exhausting. I can count on one hand the number of times I have enjoyed spending time with him this summer and this breaks my heart. I feel as if I am going to be chained to the Sisephyan tasks of laundry, kid shuttling, and household managing for the long and foreseeable future. I feel as if I don't have a lot of capital with my spouse as their job requires long hours and outearns me at least 3 to 1.

Add in the existential angst surrounding our current political climate, particularly living in Trump country, and I'm sometimes amazed that I make it out of bed in the morning. But, if I don't, no one will.

So, should I follow up with my provider? Is asking strangers on the internet this question the equivalent of saying yes?

posted by tafetta, darling! to Human Relations (18 answers total)

"I find myself getting jealous of dead people."

I think there's only one answer once that comes into play. Maybe 95% of it is just a thing, but that one piece sounds like A Thing to me [who has very little experience with all of this, but *is* a dude on the Internet]. Because other things you could feel are:
-Jealous of rich people
-Jealous of people who can wait out all this insanity in a mountain cabin somewhere
-Jealous of people who have lost everything and can start with a blank slate in some far off country
-Jealous of the deluded proletariat who are happy drinking their lattes while the world burns

And if you tried eventually to become the people you're jealous of, you would wind up being a living person somewhere -- instead of a dead person.
posted by hammurderer at 8:26 PM on September 4, 2017 [3 favorites]

See a doctor if you feel depressed, yes.

Beyond that, to me, it really sounds like you need help with childcare. A break, some time for you, and time to connect with friends and hopeful people who are working on changing things. (But mostly, help with childcare. You sound extremely burned out.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:29 PM on September 4, 2017 [4 favorites]

> I feel as if I don't have a lot of capital with my spouse as their job requires long hours and outearns me at least 3 to 1.

I understand feeling this way, but your spouse's income doesn't give them carte blanche to completely dismiss your mental health. What you do is work, and whatever else is going on, it's too much for you. You're getting little reward for a lot of work with probably a hefty side order of guilt and self recrimination. Let them just try one of your days. Something needs to be figured out (perhaps you could ask for help from extended family, if money's at issue? If it's not at issue, your partner needs to get their head out of their ass and pay for help). You need to have that conversation.
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:34 PM on September 4, 2017 [17 favorites]

Many, many people don't watch Game of Thrones because of the gratuitous violence. Don't worry, you're 100% normal.

Hire cleaners once a week, up your takeout budget, and stop worrying about that bullshit. Don't kid yourself, there's no satisfaction in having cleaned the house yet again or having prepared yet another gourmet dinner if pizza would have done just fine.

Having said that, you don't like yourself, and you don't like your life. Start changing things. Taking to your healthcare provider is a good first step, but it's probably not the solution you're looking for. As long as you go into your appointment with realistic expectations, by all means, go for it.

What are your hobbies? What do you do for yourself? Do you need recommendations?
posted by halogen at 8:37 PM on September 4, 2017 [1 favorite]

I'm a licensed therapist. I really, really urge you to seek out your mental health providers. "I'm regularly jealous of dead people" falls, for me, outside the realm of "normal ennui" and well into the spectrum of "deserving ongoing help to feel better."
posted by lazuli at 9:22 PM on September 4, 2017 [15 favorites]

You don't have to meet some predetermined level of "you must be THIS sick to start actually taking care of yourself". It's enough to say that you're not feeling as well as you think you should be for your life circumstances. There are things to do about this kind of stuff that aren't just "take an SSRI forever" kind of thing. My control of my anxiety right now involves occasional use of medication... and a lot of management of my daily activities, diet, exercise, and media.

I still have a lot of what I think of as "ugh thoughts", but they don't really linger. The thoughts themselves aren't things that you have to make stop at all costs. To me, they're just... signals. If you're having a lot of them and not having a lot of things that you take pleasure in, then some things about your life need to change. I think too often people frame things as "am I depressed/anxious or am I normal", when I think the reality is that some level of depression or anxiety is normal, in the way that high blood pressure in middle age is normal. The number of people who are happy and functional with no effort to manage their mental health is not as high as you think it is, although I think many functional people don't know that's what they're doing.
posted by Sequence at 9:30 PM on September 4, 2017 [10 favorites]

My guess is chronic fatigue. You sound tired. You likely are tired. You are probably mentally exhausted from doing a ton of logistics and planning juggling multiple roles, and likely running at way too high a rev. in terms of anxiety. You need to be spending less time doing laundry and being on time and then trying to recharge in a sedentary way with passive entertainment like the internet, and more time out walking in large nature parks with your seven-year-old talking about birds and the sky and whether the bay is after the second turn off and what lies down this side path, with a detour to explore that path, or similar type activities.

Having said that I expect the logistics of adding a three hour picnic hike to every week is probably logistically laughable right now. But it is what I would recommend. I suggest the seven-year old and you alone so that you can go as hard and fast as the seven year old can be encouraged to go, and outdoors so that there is no mess to clean up afterwards, and without the nearly-five year old as you need to be trotting fast enough that you both come home tired from all the territory you covered. The seven-year-old should need a bath after he gets home and, sorry, his clothes should need to go in the laundry. It's also a good time to get him started on doing laundry, by getting him to bring his clothes to the laundry room and turn the machine on that you have preset. In another month he can also help you drag the clothes into laundry baskets, no folding, and stuff wet clothes into the dryer, and discuss with you over what setting is best for a given load (cold or hot, fast or slow). Dropping his dirty clothes off in the laundry room can be his reward for getting the three hour one-on-one expedition time with the special picnic food, and pressing the washer on button is of course another treat.

Very often depression is situational rather than biological, and very often depression is actually a symptom of being physically sick. You definitely sound on the dysthemic/depressed side of things, so I would start treating yourself for depression, but I would start treating underlying causes rather than using pharmaceutical causes.

The keywords, "On paper, my life circumstances are pretty good.." because you are clearly trying to convince yourself of that fact, which clearly means that you don't feel like they are good, and you don't feel that you can safely admit to it.

You may wish to look into advice on how to be a good parent to a very seven-year-old seven-year-old in case some of the exhaustion comes from inability to keep up with the kid and can be rectified by some change in your strategies when you interact with him. I am thinking setting more boundaries, and arranging to get him bloody exhausted from physical play as much as possible.

For example getting some other parent to drop off their younger kid on a play-date with your younger kid and taking your older kid to a strenuous sports activity with their older kid is the kind of thing that might help. Then your older kid gets exercise to make him less epic and you hopefully get the younger one slightly more tired out at the end of the day too, without adding to your logistics and making you do the running around, or try to keep younger kid from being bored while big brother runs around a field but he has to stay beside you in the bleachers pretending to not also be bored.

If you are drinking at all, stop. Even if you are drinking quite minor and quite reasonable amounts, stop. Alcohol is a depressant. A bottle of wine drunk over the course of a week, or four beer on the weekend could be sufficient to tip you into the glums through the next two weeks if you are a susceptible individual. And if you are not you can prove it by stopping drinking.

Some of your dysthemia may stem from feeling helpless, stuck and low status, what with that 1/3 income. So finding something that you do well and excelling at it to make yourself feel better about yourself might also help. Excelling at things generally takes about fifteen minutes a day over a year, and since you would pick something that you do well at since you enjoy it, you would not find it a heavy additional chore to add it to your schedule, I hope. It doesn't have to lead to income, or even output, just a community that agrees that you are really good at doing this thing, or a firm sense in yourself that you have now become really good at this thing.

But be prepared for a crash and going for mental health help on short notice. It can be a very short distance from envying dead people to discovering that you yourself are suicidal. So get the number of the mental health crisis group and put it where you can find it no matter where or when you are, and make a commitment that as soon as suicidal ideation hits with anything that vaguely resembles a plan YOU WILL CALL THAT NUMBER.
posted by Jane the Brown at 9:46 PM on September 4, 2017 [6 favorites]

Taken together, feeling jealous of dead people, wondering what it would be like to not wake up, and general joylessness from things that should give you joy are definitely A Thing.

Not many people see the black dog sneaking up on them, but you might have just done that. Best to get some support before he decides to move in for good.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 10:33 PM on September 4, 2017 [3 favorites]

Do you have any kind of personal outlet - painting, music, sculpting, writing, gym, whatever?

Is there something yours that you can get passionate about?

Does your 7-year-old do sport/drama - can you wear them out that way?

Can you give Game of Thrones a miss?
posted by heyjude at 1:10 AM on September 5, 2017

Why do you feel you don't deserve mental health services more than sparingly? If you described your state as a friend to yourself, you would urge that friend to seek help. You've got empathy enough that you can't bear GoT, you're thinking of death, and you're exhausted and afraid of how this affects your children. You don't mention family, friends, and your spouse is only that as they earn more, you can't ask them for more.

That's part of your brain lying to you. You deserve help. Not just so you can be a good mother, wife etc, but because you should get to wake up and think about the day ahead sometimes with pleasure, hope or just a 'right, ok'. Not with a longing to be dead. You deserve help and support. Posting this is brave, go and ask for it, keep asking.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 2:34 AM on September 5, 2017 [4 favorites]

It sounds like I share a lot of your life circumstance. My husband makes a lot more money than I do, a 9 year old child, a great education; a pretty darn good life. I think the part about not enjoying spending time with your child is resonates the most for me. I feel shame, anyway, how could I not appreciate this gift that I never wanted to part with when she was born? It hurts my chest to think about how I resent how much time she takes, attention, has so many needs that I cannot possibly fulfill, how I need to be the strong one and constantly tell her no so that she doesn't grow up entitled. It's really hard to live with this feeling of confusion so I often just sort of ignore it, shut it down, cry, rarely talk about it and certainly don't talk about my intermittent regrets of having a child and instead continuing to live in various countries and do research without the worry of someone else. BUT then I remember how I felt when I was doing all that and after years of it I got tired of that too, felt unfulfilled, first world angst, guilt for not feel more appreciative and grateful for what I had, eager to bring a life into the world so I could give something back. Also, I think it helps to remember that I could always do more to fulfill those needs that I'm just not bothered to do, so how much do I really miss that stuff? Probably not as much as I think. Escape is so enticing until it becomes a real decision to make. Keeping it at arms length keeps it appealing but also very destructive to living and enjoying the moment. I think the advice of getting child care is a good one, even if it's one afternoon and evening a week whereby you can have free time to to something or to waste. I have also set up lofty goals for myself with regard to learning coding and physical fitness. I'm sure you have goals that you have pushed aside, maybe re-investigate those. If you aren't there mentally maybe just wait for it to show up some day soon, don't pressure yourself.
posted by waving at 5:15 AM on September 5, 2017 [1 favorite]

You are having suicidal ideation. The suggestions to get outside more, etc., are all well and good, and probably helpful in a longterm sort of way, but right now you need to get yourself in front of a licensed mental health professional for some in-person help. That needs to be your first step here.
posted by lazuli at 5:56 AM on September 5, 2017 [3 favorites]

For me, when I start asking if I should try antidepressant medication, the answer is always "yes" (therapy has been rather hit or miss for me). Mostly this is because I've been mulling on the question for months and should finally do something about it. I was surprised a couple months ago, however, to find that I ranked higher on the anxiety screening than the depression screening. I have a 4.5 year old and on paper am living a very fortunate life, but going on meds helped silence the constant train of "you should be enjoying your child more" / "you have a good job and should be able to just suck it up right now" / "your family members' health issues aren't as bad as what some other people have, so you should feel more thankful" thoughts. It turns down the dial on my self-critical constant monologue, and helps me actually see the light at the end of the tunnel (rather than beat myself up over not being able to really believe that it's there).

So I would talk to someone, try out some meds, and see if that can help shift your perspective or improve your ability to cope with the stress of being a working parent living in these awful political times. (And I watched the previous season of Game of Thrones mostly by surfing around on my phone so I didn't have to watch the gory stuff - you are totally not alone)
posted by Maarika at 10:35 AM on September 5, 2017

That definitely sounds like depression. For me, "I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up" marks Level 1 of suicidal ideation. I've learned to treat it as an alert to step up my self-care, make sure I'm getting exercise and sunshine, be diligent about taking my meds and supplements on schedule, etc.
posted by Lexica at 11:15 AM on September 5, 2017 [1 favorite]

I find myself getting jealous of dead people.
I frequently wonder, "what is the point?" of just about most pursuits.
I often think about what it would be like to go to sleep and never wake up.

These are strong signs of clinical depression!

I have been there and it is important to do something about it when your feelings reach this level. Please, at least visit a doctor or therapist to get advice on if/how you should be treated for this.

You say you want to be sparing about visiting mental health professionals. This is understandable -- but also, if you have depression, the depression will often tell you that you don't "deserve" certain kinds of assistance even if you're in a very bad place or in a situation where most outside observers would consider you very deserving. So your thoughts about avoiding help may well be strongest when you need that help the most!

Also -- even a person whose mental health issues aren't the most major can see a therapist, and often should if they have the resources. I've seen therapists write that they appreciate the "worried well" with only minor problems for helping them maintain a stable practice that also serves people with very severe problems, so don't think that you're taking resources away from someone who might need them more. And remind yourself, if it helps, that a couple visits to a doctor/therapist aren't a commitment to long-term frequent visits (or to anything!).
posted by anotherthink at 12:29 PM on September 5, 2017 [3 favorites]

Hey there buddy, to answer your title question, "something more".

Feelings like this can certainly sneak up on a person, and when you're in this headspace it can be easy to be fatalistic about it. "this is just what being a parent is like" ; "this is just who I am, I'm just not as happy as other people" etc.

It doesn't have to be this way, if you don't want it to be.

Doctors will often ask you a serious of questions like this top determine how much you are affected by depression or anxiety. Perhaps you could have a go at filling this out yourself if you need some justification to see a professional (not that I think you do, you can see someone about your mental health whenever you feel like it).

There are a bunch of ways someone will be able to help you, you'll be able to pursue a range of proven treatments if you want and they are not scary at all.

You are not alone, op, in these feelings. Experienced healthcare professionals have seen people with what you're describing many times, and they've helped those people. Let them help you too.

Best of luck.
posted by smoke at 2:16 PM on September 5, 2017

My guess is chronic fatigue.

Very possible... Get all the practical and therapeutic assistance you can - it's also worth excluding possible contributing factors (and getting a blood panel - thyroid, vitamin deficiencies, etc.). I don't think that's the whole story, at all, but maybe check that stuff out too.
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:40 PM on September 5, 2017

The depression angle has been covered, so I'll second that this could be a medical issue. Thyroid, hormonal imbalances, sleep disorders, vitamin deficiencies, these can all cause massive fatigue and make it impossible to enjoy a supposedly good life.

Whatever the cause - you need help. There is no shame in that. Resources are here for us to use.

Get help with childcare. Get help with meal planning. Get a house cleaner in. Whatever you need to do, do it. Take care of yourself.
posted by Ahniya at 3:20 PM on September 6, 2017