I need hope or some other way to motivate myself to keep dating
September 4, 2017 10:11 AM Subscribe
I'm a 40 year old female and never been in a committed romantic relationship. Done the FWB thing a few times, dated a guy for a year one time, but starting to feel hopeless about ever finding an actual "Relationship".
I had social phobia when I was younger, but plenty of people (most actually) in my shyness /anxiety support group have partners so I don't know if that's the problem. I'm rarely attracted to anyone and thought I might be Asexual for awhile, but I was REALLY attracted to the guy I dated for a year. It ended because he wanted me to be a "medium girlfriend" that he would never commit to. I was upset when it ended in part because I thought I was never going to have to date again!
I realize that dating is luck and that I can influence the chances by meeting more people but I just find it exhausting. And I feel like I'm missing out on doing fun things with my friends while out on a date. I hear a lot of advice to just look at it as a fun evening out or do something new and exciting with a date, but I'd just rather do those things with my friends.
I read a similar thread that suggested I should message guys I find interesting. But I don't see anyone I find very interesting very often (lately it seems like never).
I've tried to "gamify" the process by making up prizes I can win for myself by meeting new people, but it still just seems like a chore. Meetups aren't much better. And I do feel somewhat hopeless about finding someone.
I just want to skip to the fun part - having a comfortable relationship with someone who is my best friend and I can go on adventures with. But how can I motivate myself to keep looking and /or have a more positive attitude about it?
I had social phobia when I was younger, but plenty of people (most actually) in my shyness /anxiety support group have partners so I don't know if that's the problem. I'm rarely attracted to anyone and thought I might be Asexual for awhile, but I was REALLY attracted to the guy I dated for a year. It ended because he wanted me to be a "medium girlfriend" that he would never commit to. I was upset when it ended in part because I thought I was never going to have to date again!
I realize that dating is luck and that I can influence the chances by meeting more people but I just find it exhausting. And I feel like I'm missing out on doing fun things with my friends while out on a date. I hear a lot of advice to just look at it as a fun evening out or do something new and exciting with a date, but I'd just rather do those things with my friends.
I read a similar thread that suggested I should message guys I find interesting. But I don't see anyone I find very interesting very often (lately it seems like never).
I've tried to "gamify" the process by making up prizes I can win for myself by meeting new people, but it still just seems like a chore. Meetups aren't much better. And I do feel somewhat hopeless about finding someone.
I just want to skip to the fun part - having a comfortable relationship with someone who is my best friend and I can go on adventures with. But how can I motivate myself to keep looking and /or have a more positive attitude about it?
Dating really is a chore. I did best with it when I thought of it as a second job. I checked OKC regularly and sent emails every night. Kept first dates short and didn't expect too much of any particular date while knowing that the more dates I went on, the greater my chance of meeting someone. However if you aren't finding interesting people online ...
When you are out with your friends, do you find that members of the group sometimes talk to other people outside the group? Perhaps you have one or two friends who will act as your wingwomen and help facilitate conversation.
posted by bunderful at 10:43 AM on September 4, 2017 [3 favorites]
When you are out with your friends, do you find that members of the group sometimes talk to other people outside the group? Perhaps you have one or two friends who will act as your wingwomen and help facilitate conversation.
posted by bunderful at 10:43 AM on September 4, 2017 [3 favorites]
It sounds like solo dating is too socially restrictive and expectation-focused for you. Why not ease off on the search and just participate in social group activities (hobbyist clubs, hikes, photo safaris) and see if any of the single men in the group appeal to you as possible romantic partners?
posted by Scram at 11:27 AM on September 4, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by Scram at 11:27 AM on September 4, 2017 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Going from alone to producing the vision you have in your head ("comfortable relationship with someone who is my best friend and I can go on adventures with") is an impossibly heavy lift. it doesn't work that way. You don't go out and cast for that movie. In so doing, you're making yourself undesirable and failing to develop the human connection skills underpinning all of this.
You're cutting out chapters. And those are some of the best (and most essential) chapters. As long as you're trying to project the image in your head, you'll be existing in a fantasy world, not real life. Consider ditching the fantasy and try, instead, this. What you wind up with may not correspond in any way with your projections. But it will be terrific, and it will have a solid underpinning.
posted by Quisp Lover at 11:40 AM on September 4, 2017 [13 favorites]
You're cutting out chapters. And those are some of the best (and most essential) chapters. As long as you're trying to project the image in your head, you'll be existing in a fantasy world, not real life. Consider ditching the fantasy and try, instead, this. What you wind up with may not correspond in any way with your projections. But it will be terrific, and it will have a solid underpinning.
posted by Quisp Lover at 11:40 AM on September 4, 2017 [13 favorites]
Whoa, this is a really interesting question. Especially in light of your prior ones. Everyone tends to feel "meh" to me when I'm in a bad mood - I don't want to expend the energy to figure out what is lovely about them, so there is a chance it's an overall mood thing for you. Meeting most people while depressed is like chewing something that you can never swallow, it does take a truly exceptional person to stand out. But if you do genuinely enjoy your friends and feel in the flow when with them, then it's a question of why not a relationship. Either you don't have a good sense of what's appealing to you or you're not meeting the right people. It really is that.
You should be looking for someone who is capable and is genuinely confident in themselves but is also kind. And is available for a relationship. Many people aren't great at presenting themselves that way and many people are not that way. I've found it helpful to understand why things don't work out when people (or myself) are not bringing these qualities to a relationship. Do keep these factors in mind.
posted by benadryl at 11:57 AM on September 4, 2017 [2 favorites]
You should be looking for someone who is capable and is genuinely confident in themselves but is also kind. And is available for a relationship. Many people aren't great at presenting themselves that way and many people are not that way. I've found it helpful to understand why things don't work out when people (or myself) are not bringing these qualities to a relationship. Do keep these factors in mind.
posted by benadryl at 11:57 AM on September 4, 2017 [2 favorites]
Hey, I had a pretty similar relationship history to you up until my mid-thirties and at some point in there I said to myself, "I would literally rather spend the rest of my life alone than go on one more fucking OKCupid date." As it happened, I met someone who I do have a great, comfortable, companionate, long-term relationship with within a year or two of that decision (in a school-ish work-ish kind of environment). But I don't think this was a "once you stop looking, it will happen!" kind of situation, and even if I hadn't met my fella, I'm pretty sure I would STILL be happy with that decision.
I was talking to a (single-at-40) friend about this a few months ago, and I said the same thing to her, basically that if you're essentially happy with your life and you hate dating, DON'T DATE! And she was like, "That's what I've been thinking, but it seems crazy!" But I really don't think it's crazy! You don't have to date anyone. It's OK. Dating is an OK way to meet people. I don't think it works for everyone. Being happy alone is way better than a lot of relationships!
posted by mskyle at 12:02 PM on September 4, 2017 [19 favorites]
I was talking to a (single-at-40) friend about this a few months ago, and I said the same thing to her, basically that if you're essentially happy with your life and you hate dating, DON'T DATE! And she was like, "That's what I've been thinking, but it seems crazy!" But I really don't think it's crazy! You don't have to date anyone. It's OK. Dating is an OK way to meet people. I don't think it works for everyone. Being happy alone is way better than a lot of relationships!
posted by mskyle at 12:02 PM on September 4, 2017 [19 favorites]
Best answer: On a scale of 1-10, how badly do you want a relationship? Are you wanting it that badly to go through all of the work of dating, even if it takes years and shitloads of bad fish and boring or worse dates, to find someone? If your answer to this is pretty low, then...well, hell, don't bother dating. You can't go "one, two, skip a few, long-term happy relationship," unfortunately.
I'm kinda similar to you in this post, but in all honesty I don't want to do the work of dating, so I'm not going to find someone unless I inexplicably get lucky. And I'm fine with that. It's extremely rare for me to like anyone and it sounds like it's the same for you, so I think of dating as having to go through a ton of guys I have zero interest (and then dealing with the joys of guys who get scary when rejected) in the hopes that some miracle happens and I actually get interested in someone. I very, very, very rarely like someone like that and don't really match with people (and even worse, I don't want kids so that's 95% of people ruled out there), so it sounds like a whole lot of work doing what I do not want to do at all in hopes that a miracle happens.
If you don't want to date, then don't date. Maybe instead just go out and try different things and go to things you wouldn't necessarily normally go to. That at least ups your number of people to meet, if nothing else, and then you don't have to deal with someone in Dating Context. On the other hand, that means you may meet people but none of the hot ones are single because you're not meeting them in Dating Context...but that's up to you. I'd rather meet someone in an interesting way doing things I'm interested in than swiping right, honestly. I'm not going to keep up the work of that when the odds are kinda like winning the lottery.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:10 PM on September 4, 2017 [7 favorites]
I'm kinda similar to you in this post, but in all honesty I don't want to do the work of dating, so I'm not going to find someone unless I inexplicably get lucky. And I'm fine with that. It's extremely rare for me to like anyone and it sounds like it's the same for you, so I think of dating as having to go through a ton of guys I have zero interest (and then dealing with the joys of guys who get scary when rejected) in the hopes that some miracle happens and I actually get interested in someone. I very, very, very rarely like someone like that and don't really match with people (and even worse, I don't want kids so that's 95% of people ruled out there), so it sounds like a whole lot of work doing what I do not want to do at all in hopes that a miracle happens.
If you don't want to date, then don't date. Maybe instead just go out and try different things and go to things you wouldn't necessarily normally go to. That at least ups your number of people to meet, if nothing else, and then you don't have to deal with someone in Dating Context. On the other hand, that means you may meet people but none of the hot ones are single because you're not meeting them in Dating Context...but that's up to you. I'd rather meet someone in an interesting way doing things I'm interested in than swiping right, honestly. I'm not going to keep up the work of that when the odds are kinda like winning the lottery.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:10 PM on September 4, 2017 [7 favorites]
One more for team Can't Be Arsed With Dating
I heard once that the odds of winning the lottery are so astronomical that the difference in odds between buying the winning ticket and finding it on the ground are almost indistinguishable.
For some people dating is fun, they enjoy going out and having fun, they like fun.
Good luck to them, I'm not buying any more lottery tickets.
posted by fullerine at 12:39 AM on September 5, 2017 [4 favorites]
I heard once that the odds of winning the lottery are so astronomical that the difference in odds between buying the winning ticket and finding it on the ground are almost indistinguishable.
For some people dating is fun, they enjoy going out and having fun, they like fun.
Good luck to them, I'm not buying any more lottery tickets.
posted by fullerine at 12:39 AM on September 5, 2017 [4 favorites]
Best answer: It sounds like you do want to keep your toe in the dating pool a little. I'd definitely recommend messaging the rare guys that you do find interesting, and being ruthless about not agreeing to a date with anyone that makes you feel a bit iffy when someone messages you. Only go on (fewer) dates with people you are kinda curious/nervous about/intrigued by. No more "eh, they might be better in person" dates, a bit more reaching out for potential rare sparks.
One thing I did with my OK cupid also when I decided to properly start messaging guys I thought seemed interesting was sort by compatibility % and search for looking for casual sex and clicked and clicked hiding the profile of every guy who came up, so then when I did a search for "looking for long term dating" sorted by match % I was only seeing guys NOT also looking for casual sex. YMMV regarding "looking for casual sex" but for me that quick hack upped the overall quality a bit.
posted by hotcoroner at 4:26 AM on September 5, 2017 [3 favorites]
One thing I did with my OK cupid also when I decided to properly start messaging guys I thought seemed interesting was sort by compatibility % and search for looking for casual sex and clicked and clicked hiding the profile of every guy who came up, so then when I did a search for "looking for long term dating" sorted by match % I was only seeing guys NOT also looking for casual sex. YMMV regarding "looking for casual sex" but for me that quick hack upped the overall quality a bit.
posted by hotcoroner at 4:26 AM on September 5, 2017 [3 favorites]
Best answer: So, for what it's worth, I'm a former reality TV dating producer. And there's a couple of very obvious lessons you learn just from the scale of watching people date the same ways over and over again. And one of them is that dates - in the traditional sense - don't work. They just don't.
You go to meet at a bar or a dinner or coffee. Something low impact and high atmosphere. And then everyone goes into the kabuki. She says the five things she's supposed to say and tentatively asks the three questions it's okay to ask. He tells about where he's from and relates many of the things that he's been told girls like and that you should bring up. Rinse. Repeat. Something about the specifics of the sit down date force us into it as much as our formal voice comes out during job interviews. It's the nature of the beast.
So my first advice: don't. Instead, do something you wanted to do yourself. If you like going to the comic book store, do that. Or walking shelter dogs, do that. Or singing piano bar songs, DO THAT. Seriously. If you like going to the yarn store, ask a guy to come yarn shopping with you. Forget the whole "he plans the first date" because by and large his ideas are going to be "what's the most impressive/least offensive thing I can thing of" variety. Which is you and he at a bar with Edison bulbs doing the kabuki.
But you take him to the yarn store and act like yourself and you'll know if he's into that. Or if he's flexible enough to be into the girl you really are when YOU'RE into that. Dating should be a chance to find someone who's into you for you. And the sooner you find out someone's not into that, great. Move on. But in the meantime you did something you were into doing and would have done anyway if they WEREN'T there.
Also, in general, when it's an action, you get a different result. Like I said, when you're seated in front of each other with cocktails and ambiance music, it's pretty easy to slide into the kabuki. Watch a dozen shows in dating and that's the constant. But when you're getting pulled by three scrappy shelter dogs who are pooing all over stuff? Yeah, that facade just falls off. People get real because they aren't great at multitasking in dating. It's a chew gum and walk situation. So at least they're going to be a little more honest.
And if you DO make it past that, you ask him to take you to something HE likes for his date. Maybe it'll be something really interesting. And you'll know him better after. And you might learn something you didn't know about too. Or maybe it's just another inoffensive bar. Fine. At least you're less likely to have that same talk you usually do because you're a little past that now.
So that's the big recommend. The small one? Keyword searching on OKCupid. When you can be honest about the things you are and that you like, you can sometimes find a better pool by targeting. Like my friend who's very environmentally conscious, has a dog and doesn't like metrosexual guys? She started searching "camping." The guys who came back were a LOT more in line with all the things she was into (respecting ecosystems, being cool with animals around you and going strong on beards) just by hitting that one word.
Anyway for what it's worth, I saw your OKC. You're really cute and have a fun profile. So stick with it. Maybe try some of this stuff. I think you might have better results.
posted by rileyray3000 at 12:35 PM on September 5, 2017 [17 favorites]
You go to meet at a bar or a dinner or coffee. Something low impact and high atmosphere. And then everyone goes into the kabuki. She says the five things she's supposed to say and tentatively asks the three questions it's okay to ask. He tells about where he's from and relates many of the things that he's been told girls like and that you should bring up. Rinse. Repeat. Something about the specifics of the sit down date force us into it as much as our formal voice comes out during job interviews. It's the nature of the beast.
So my first advice: don't. Instead, do something you wanted to do yourself. If you like going to the comic book store, do that. Or walking shelter dogs, do that. Or singing piano bar songs, DO THAT. Seriously. If you like going to the yarn store, ask a guy to come yarn shopping with you. Forget the whole "he plans the first date" because by and large his ideas are going to be "what's the most impressive/least offensive thing I can thing of" variety. Which is you and he at a bar with Edison bulbs doing the kabuki.
But you take him to the yarn store and act like yourself and you'll know if he's into that. Or if he's flexible enough to be into the girl you really are when YOU'RE into that. Dating should be a chance to find someone who's into you for you. And the sooner you find out someone's not into that, great. Move on. But in the meantime you did something you were into doing and would have done anyway if they WEREN'T there.
Also, in general, when it's an action, you get a different result. Like I said, when you're seated in front of each other with cocktails and ambiance music, it's pretty easy to slide into the kabuki. Watch a dozen shows in dating and that's the constant. But when you're getting pulled by three scrappy shelter dogs who are pooing all over stuff? Yeah, that facade just falls off. People get real because they aren't great at multitasking in dating. It's a chew gum and walk situation. So at least they're going to be a little more honest.
And if you DO make it past that, you ask him to take you to something HE likes for his date. Maybe it'll be something really interesting. And you'll know him better after. And you might learn something you didn't know about too. Or maybe it's just another inoffensive bar. Fine. At least you're less likely to have that same talk you usually do because you're a little past that now.
So that's the big recommend. The small one? Keyword searching on OKCupid. When you can be honest about the things you are and that you like, you can sometimes find a better pool by targeting. Like my friend who's very environmentally conscious, has a dog and doesn't like metrosexual guys? She started searching "camping." The guys who came back were a LOT more in line with all the things she was into (respecting ecosystems, being cool with animals around you and going strong on beards) just by hitting that one word.
Anyway for what it's worth, I saw your OKC. You're really cute and have a fun profile. So stick with it. Maybe try some of this stuff. I think you might have better results.
posted by rileyray3000 at 12:35 PM on September 5, 2017 [17 favorites]
I am in a similar situation although male not female. I am about to the point of giving up also and just getting a couple of rescue dogs. It is difficult to find women in my area I have things in common with and when I do see one they will not return a message. I have gotten so burned out that now even if I see someone who I am interested in I just don't even bother. The though of deleting the dating apps is starting to feel good.
Sorry no real advice here but feel your pain, for what its worth if we lived any where near each other I would send you a message on OKC.
posted by Justin Case at 1:05 PM on September 5, 2017
Sorry no real advice here but feel your pain, for what its worth if we lived any where near each other I would send you a message on OKC.
posted by Justin Case at 1:05 PM on September 5, 2017
Response by poster: Thanks everyone!
All of the answers were helpful, I marked as best the ones that resonated the most with me.
I really DO want to be in a relationship, so I'm going to keep dating but taking the advice to be more selective, to do things I want to do anyway on dates, and to try to go to more things where I might meet people offline.
I'm going to limit the time I spend on OKC and dating so I don't get too burned out and can still enjoy the rest of my life.
Quisp Lover - the paragraph you linked to was very interesting, although I'm not sure how I would attempt that in practice. If a guy is interested in me, he'll ask me out which means the whole "romantic recruitment" thing is on.
jenfullmoon - oh yeah, I forget to mention that I don't want kids. It does seem to rule out about 95% of potential mates.
In thinking more about this, I realized a lot of my resistance to it was due to feeling that it's "unfair" that I'm in this situation. Once I let go of that, I think I can tolerate a few hours of tediousness a week to give myself a better chance to get what I want.
posted by seraph9 at 7:29 AM on September 10, 2017
All of the answers were helpful, I marked as best the ones that resonated the most with me.
I really DO want to be in a relationship, so I'm going to keep dating but taking the advice to be more selective, to do things I want to do anyway on dates, and to try to go to more things where I might meet people offline.
I'm going to limit the time I spend on OKC and dating so I don't get too burned out and can still enjoy the rest of my life.
Quisp Lover - the paragraph you linked to was very interesting, although I'm not sure how I would attempt that in practice. If a guy is interested in me, he'll ask me out which means the whole "romantic recruitment" thing is on.
jenfullmoon - oh yeah, I forget to mention that I don't want kids. It does seem to rule out about 95% of potential mates.
In thinking more about this, I realized a lot of my resistance to it was due to feeling that it's "unfair" that I'm in this situation. Once I let go of that, I think I can tolerate a few hours of tediousness a week to give myself a better chance to get what I want.
posted by seraph9 at 7:29 AM on September 10, 2017
This thread is closed to new comments.
Since you like spending time with your friends, what about talking to a few of them and suggesting they bring a single guy acquaintance of theirs on a friend outing? Everyone meets new people, potential dates see you at your best, and people that your friends vouch for are more likely to have things in common with you. They might have to come to a few outings to trigger the 'repeated spontaneous run-ins' that supposedly lead to attraction, but at worst, your group expands.
posted by batter_my_heart at 10:31 AM on September 4, 2017 [2 favorites]