How to build more love in my life
September 2, 2017 7:22 PM Subscribe
I want to build more intimate and loving relationships
I'm not sure how to succinctly ask this, but I am in my late twenties. I recently did an exercise assessing different areas in my life (across career, health, and love) and realized that I'm relatively happy about a lot of things, but my love department is pretty sad.
I don't mean just romantic love, but a lack of feeling intimacy on a regular basis. I have two best friends who don't live in my city. And maybe three close friends, and a bunch of acquaintances. But certainly not many bridesmaids that I keep seeing others have. And no romantic partner for the past five years (but lots of dating). And honestly most of my life I've felt like an outsider, never in the "cool crowd."
I feel a certain emptiness, a lack of connection to others. I'm also starting a new grad program soon and feel like that a is a great time to practice my social skills. How do I build more intimate, lasting friendships? And have a better first impression on people, and build those into friendships? I'm a quiet person and an introvert and after reading How to talk to anyone I realized I have some minor things that I do that may drive people away, like crossing my arms a lot, fidgeting or not sharing a ton about myself until I trust that person.
But I'm confused about where to start. Do I get professional advice about what I'm doing wrong? A therapist is great but they don't see me in social settings. Do I strengthen my current friendships and not focus so much on new ones? Or is there ways to practice a better first impression?
I'm not sure how to succinctly ask this, but I am in my late twenties. I recently did an exercise assessing different areas in my life (across career, health, and love) and realized that I'm relatively happy about a lot of things, but my love department is pretty sad.
I don't mean just romantic love, but a lack of feeling intimacy on a regular basis. I have two best friends who don't live in my city. And maybe three close friends, and a bunch of acquaintances. But certainly not many bridesmaids that I keep seeing others have. And no romantic partner for the past five years (but lots of dating). And honestly most of my life I've felt like an outsider, never in the "cool crowd."
I feel a certain emptiness, a lack of connection to others. I'm also starting a new grad program soon and feel like that a is a great time to practice my social skills. How do I build more intimate, lasting friendships? And have a better first impression on people, and build those into friendships? I'm a quiet person and an introvert and after reading How to talk to anyone I realized I have some minor things that I do that may drive people away, like crossing my arms a lot, fidgeting or not sharing a ton about myself until I trust that person.
But I'm confused about where to start. Do I get professional advice about what I'm doing wrong? A therapist is great but they don't see me in social settings. Do I strengthen my current friendships and not focus so much on new ones? Or is there ways to practice a better first impression?
This is one of those hard things because it doesn't just depend on you but on other people too. Like, you yourself can decide to exercise and eat right, go to bed early, brush your teeth; but you can't decide to instantly have more/better friends.
So the first step is to have a peace, a letting go of what you can't control.
Second step: keep trying, keep being friendly and you'll be surprised what develops.
Be ok with letting things develop over time.
Say yes to things. Be open to unusual friendships. Notice people.
But ultimately, changes you make won't work for everyone. Be yourself and find "your people" .
posted by freethefeet at 8:13 PM on September 2, 2017 [3 favorites]
So the first step is to have a peace, a letting go of what you can't control.
Second step: keep trying, keep being friendly and you'll be surprised what develops.
Be ok with letting things develop over time.
Say yes to things. Be open to unusual friendships. Notice people.
But ultimately, changes you make won't work for everyone. Be yourself and find "your people" .
posted by freethefeet at 8:13 PM on September 2, 2017 [3 favorites]
I think as you embark on this worthy and exciting adventure, you should remember not to get too pedantic, in this sense of self-interrogation, "Is this love? Is this love?" etc. I'm not saying you will, but love does come in many forms.
I would consider, if I were you:
1) Regular or semi-regular catch ups. I have some separate groups of friends, one group we get dinner and a movie every six weeks or so. One group I do a dungeons and dragons night with once a month. One group I enter distance running races with. I'm not necessarily going to be calling up anyone in these groups if I need a kidney, however the interaction I get with them is rich, rewarding, and makes me happy. The structured nature of events means that a lot of guesswork is taken out of what we'll do, when we'll do it it. This can be useful for people who get a bit anxious. Think about clubs or activity-based groups you can join or make.
2) I could take a kidney from my cats, even if I wanted it, but they give me a surfeit of love, and it feels just as good as any other love out there, so I'll take it.
Best of luck OP, I admire you and I'd love to hear a check in from you this time next year.
posted by smoke at 8:44 PM on September 2, 2017
I would consider, if I were you:
1) Regular or semi-regular catch ups. I have some separate groups of friends, one group we get dinner and a movie every six weeks or so. One group I do a dungeons and dragons night with once a month. One group I enter distance running races with. I'm not necessarily going to be calling up anyone in these groups if I need a kidney, however the interaction I get with them is rich, rewarding, and makes me happy. The structured nature of events means that a lot of guesswork is taken out of what we'll do, when we'll do it it. This can be useful for people who get a bit anxious. Think about clubs or activity-based groups you can join or make.
2) I could take a kidney from my cats, even if I wanted it, but they give me a surfeit of love, and it feels just as good as any other love out there, so I'll take it.
Best of luck OP, I admire you and I'd love to hear a check in from you this time next year.
posted by smoke at 8:44 PM on September 2, 2017
I found a coffee place I liked, relatively near my studio space and made it my home away from home. To this day I fly into SLC, take trax train into town, catch a bus to that place, drag my suitcase with me and I am home again. I have friends there.
posted by Oyéah at 8:56 PM on September 2, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by Oyéah at 8:56 PM on September 2, 2017 [3 favorites]
Ask acquaintances for help with things. Offer to help others without being asked.
posted by deludingmyself at 9:17 PM on September 2, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by deludingmyself at 9:17 PM on September 2, 2017 [5 favorites]
There's intimacy and there's intimacy...
If you want soul-baring deep exchange of ideas find a couple of small groups that talk about intimate soul-baring deep exchange of ideas. This could range from a book club, writer's group, your religion's adult religious discussion group, a therapy group, a group of radicals who are organizing to protect the local water supply but show signs of getting sidetracked into social analysis (not ranting!) or a group that discusses your favourite fandom. But it should be a group that meets in person so that you can get eye contact and voices that convey feeling, not an on-line forum. Look for more than one group and don't settle for the first group you find, as not all intimate groups are safe places.
If you want community building look for a group that is doing something that really matters, not just a little bit and is making a difference at it. Look for a group which is overworked. This will mean actually putting yourself out so that you aren't just showing up for half-an-hour every fortnight to stuff envelopes. So join a group where you have to do things like cruise a neighbourhood for two days with a partner until you locate the stray dog you are looking for, and crawl under the foundation of a garage to lure her out, and come up with ideas for a fund raiser to cover her vet expenses, and then embarrass yourself in public manning a table in the mall at that fundraiser, again with a group partner. You will bond and get intimacy with members of the group over your shared goals and tribulations. Getting dragged out from under a foundation by the heels while trying to keep a grip on a frightened dog is the kind of thing that makes you feel close to people. Again, don't just join the first group you find and pick a group that does something that motivates you.
Another thing that builds intimacy is physical entrainment - that is doing the same thing in the same rhythm as other people. So you could look for opportunities to dance to the same music as other people, or do sports that require you to be in synch. You might get close to some people at a Tai Chi group with a combination of doing the moves in unison and going for green tea afterwards.
If you are looking for oxytocin based intimacy look for a group that practices hugging and physical acts of service to others, such as a volunteer group that visits seniors and provides them with physical care, such as brushing their hair. Foster animals that are cuddly. Iguanas may be adorable but might not provide you with enough body contact to make you feel adequately touched, but dogs, cats and such are often good for jumps and licks and laps. You can always become a volunteer at an animal shelter where you spend time socializing the animals if you can't foster at home.
It is likely that there will not be immediate opportunities at grad school for these things, but you can look for them or actively start them - a study group might be a good thing to look for. In high school the way to go was to ignore the cool kids and scan the crowd for kindred souls who appeared shy. If you drew them out (Introverts don't have to say anything to prospective target kindred souls for a few days, just stand near, nod, make brief eye-contact and smile.) you could end up with a decent tribe of your own. This is much harder in Uni and Grad because nobody is lingering in the halls nervous that they will get trampled or sneered at for having any interest less conventional that Taylor Swift and the school football team. They are likely about to dash off to leap into a car and go to work or accept the hand-off of their offspring from their partner. So look for these kinds of groups in your grad school.
Specifically see if there are any people in your grad school group who are useful, and see if you can join them in being useful. So if there is someone who volunteers to share a bunch of links with the group, this person is a social person who is attempting to, or is good at being a supporting member of the group. If you show them appreciation and join in with what they are doing you can end up with a very close knit group of classmates who are mutually supportive. If there are two of you searching out, sharing links and discussing which ones are good, there might become three, or more. By joining this person in what they do you will be being pro-social, affirm them, and make it a group norm that we help each other.
Don't worry too much about crossing your arms and looking stiff and making bad first impressions. Your stiffness will be useful for keeping away the kind of people who demand that you act and look right according to their limited culture perspective. You don't want to try to get close to people who will criticize you for hardly saying a word all evening. Everyone else will merely read it as a sign that you are shy. You are far from that high school place where the popular cheerleader was conceded the high status. She has moved on to become a salesperson. You are in grad school where a very different range of social abilities are needed to thrive.
Remember that this lack of connection to others that you feel is pretty much universal to human beings and right now you are in the biological position of being a loner in the wilderness. Like thirst you are wired to have it so that you will keep trying to stay with the tribe and join up with others. So it's not a defect in you, it's a sign that your programming is working perfectly and telling you that you need to be intensely involved. That intensity is a required part of the human life cycle. Without it conceptions tend not to happen, and when they do infant death from marasmus results. But even outside of the drive to breeding partner intimacy and infant-bonding, you are designed to constantly feel that you need to get into the middle of a group of people who really, really care for you (and visa versa) because your biology assumes that this is what will keep you alive if you drink some bad water and get a tummy bug that lays you out for a week.
posted by Jane the Brown at 5:03 AM on September 3, 2017 [7 favorites]
If you want soul-baring deep exchange of ideas find a couple of small groups that talk about intimate soul-baring deep exchange of ideas. This could range from a book club, writer's group, your religion's adult religious discussion group, a therapy group, a group of radicals who are organizing to protect the local water supply but show signs of getting sidetracked into social analysis (not ranting!) or a group that discusses your favourite fandom. But it should be a group that meets in person so that you can get eye contact and voices that convey feeling, not an on-line forum. Look for more than one group and don't settle for the first group you find, as not all intimate groups are safe places.
If you want community building look for a group that is doing something that really matters, not just a little bit and is making a difference at it. Look for a group which is overworked. This will mean actually putting yourself out so that you aren't just showing up for half-an-hour every fortnight to stuff envelopes. So join a group where you have to do things like cruise a neighbourhood for two days with a partner until you locate the stray dog you are looking for, and crawl under the foundation of a garage to lure her out, and come up with ideas for a fund raiser to cover her vet expenses, and then embarrass yourself in public manning a table in the mall at that fundraiser, again with a group partner. You will bond and get intimacy with members of the group over your shared goals and tribulations. Getting dragged out from under a foundation by the heels while trying to keep a grip on a frightened dog is the kind of thing that makes you feel close to people. Again, don't just join the first group you find and pick a group that does something that motivates you.
Another thing that builds intimacy is physical entrainment - that is doing the same thing in the same rhythm as other people. So you could look for opportunities to dance to the same music as other people, or do sports that require you to be in synch. You might get close to some people at a Tai Chi group with a combination of doing the moves in unison and going for green tea afterwards.
If you are looking for oxytocin based intimacy look for a group that practices hugging and physical acts of service to others, such as a volunteer group that visits seniors and provides them with physical care, such as brushing their hair. Foster animals that are cuddly. Iguanas may be adorable but might not provide you with enough body contact to make you feel adequately touched, but dogs, cats and such are often good for jumps and licks and laps. You can always become a volunteer at an animal shelter where you spend time socializing the animals if you can't foster at home.
It is likely that there will not be immediate opportunities at grad school for these things, but you can look for them or actively start them - a study group might be a good thing to look for. In high school the way to go was to ignore the cool kids and scan the crowd for kindred souls who appeared shy. If you drew them out (Introverts don't have to say anything to prospective target kindred souls for a few days, just stand near, nod, make brief eye-contact and smile.) you could end up with a decent tribe of your own. This is much harder in Uni and Grad because nobody is lingering in the halls nervous that they will get trampled or sneered at for having any interest less conventional that Taylor Swift and the school football team. They are likely about to dash off to leap into a car and go to work or accept the hand-off of their offspring from their partner. So look for these kinds of groups in your grad school.
Specifically see if there are any people in your grad school group who are useful, and see if you can join them in being useful. So if there is someone who volunteers to share a bunch of links with the group, this person is a social person who is attempting to, or is good at being a supporting member of the group. If you show them appreciation and join in with what they are doing you can end up with a very close knit group of classmates who are mutually supportive. If there are two of you searching out, sharing links and discussing which ones are good, there might become three, or more. By joining this person in what they do you will be being pro-social, affirm them, and make it a group norm that we help each other.
Don't worry too much about crossing your arms and looking stiff and making bad first impressions. Your stiffness will be useful for keeping away the kind of people who demand that you act and look right according to their limited culture perspective. You don't want to try to get close to people who will criticize you for hardly saying a word all evening. Everyone else will merely read it as a sign that you are shy. You are far from that high school place where the popular cheerleader was conceded the high status. She has moved on to become a salesperson. You are in grad school where a very different range of social abilities are needed to thrive.
Remember that this lack of connection to others that you feel is pretty much universal to human beings and right now you are in the biological position of being a loner in the wilderness. Like thirst you are wired to have it so that you will keep trying to stay with the tribe and join up with others. So it's not a defect in you, it's a sign that your programming is working perfectly and telling you that you need to be intensely involved. That intensity is a required part of the human life cycle. Without it conceptions tend not to happen, and when they do infant death from marasmus results. But even outside of the drive to breeding partner intimacy and infant-bonding, you are designed to constantly feel that you need to get into the middle of a group of people who really, really care for you (and visa versa) because your biology assumes that this is what will keep you alive if you drink some bad water and get a tummy bug that lays you out for a week.
posted by Jane the Brown at 5:03 AM on September 3, 2017 [7 favorites]
Make a point of saying "yes" to pretty much all invitations when your only reason for saying no is shyness or awkwardness.
Make your home a place you love having people in - the last time I moved I chose an accessible, beautiful apartment over a slightly cheaper, dingier, less accessible apartment because I knew I wanted to entertain once I made friends. Now I often have friends in my home and it makes me happy.
This may not apply to you because of the grad school program, but after a different move I was advised by a therapist to pick a recurring event and just make myself go to it every week for at least 2 months. I picked a community garden where people worked on Saturdays and I met a wonderful friend.
Another thing that has been helpful to me when taking classes is to make a point of talking to someone new before every class - learn their name and how they got into [subject].
posted by bunderful at 7:38 AM on September 3, 2017 [4 favorites]
Make your home a place you love having people in - the last time I moved I chose an accessible, beautiful apartment over a slightly cheaper, dingier, less accessible apartment because I knew I wanted to entertain once I made friends. Now I often have friends in my home and it makes me happy.
This may not apply to you because of the grad school program, but after a different move I was advised by a therapist to pick a recurring event and just make myself go to it every week for at least 2 months. I picked a community garden where people worked on Saturdays and I met a wonderful friend.
Another thing that has been helpful to me when taking classes is to make a point of talking to someone new before every class - learn their name and how they got into [subject].
posted by bunderful at 7:38 AM on September 3, 2017 [4 favorites]
I have a similar situation with some of my close friends living far away, and some of my close friends here being often unavailable (and one is even going to be moving away in a year).
But sometimes love and intimacy isn't necessarily a feeling you get from a person. One of the reasons I flog a bar near me as "the best bar in the world" so much is because it meets a weird need. I actually almost never drink there, bizarrely; I go for brunch. But I know it well, and the people there know me, and I always have a regular table and they have almost come to recognize that, and the owners know me and one even once told me when I showed up on a busy day and said something about not finding a seat that "there's always a place for you here", and....
I dunno, it meets a need. Sometimes things or places can give you that sense of belonging too. I mean, they shouldn't ENTIRELY replace people, but if you have a place that you just sort of....grok, then that also counts too.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:14 AM on September 3, 2017 [3 favorites]
But sometimes love and intimacy isn't necessarily a feeling you get from a person. One of the reasons I flog a bar near me as "the best bar in the world" so much is because it meets a weird need. I actually almost never drink there, bizarrely; I go for brunch. But I know it well, and the people there know me, and I always have a regular table and they have almost come to recognize that, and the owners know me and one even once told me when I showed up on a busy day and said something about not finding a seat that "there's always a place for you here", and....
I dunno, it meets a need. Sometimes things or places can give you that sense of belonging too. I mean, they shouldn't ENTIRELY replace people, but if you have a place that you just sort of....grok, then that also counts too.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:14 AM on September 3, 2017 [3 favorites]
This thread just prompted me to email three friends that I don't keep up with enough but that I consider my closest friends in my city. I created a recurring event and I am hoping they will have time to participate. I am calling the event Monthly Dinners, where we check our calendars to find one date once a month to host a dinner at our apartments (rotating from one apt to another) so we can all catch up. Sometimes I feel that we go months without talking (especially in the winter) and I want to change that. Also, I think the main takeaway from this will not be just catching up but LISTENING. Everyone has so much going on but sometimes we get so caught up in our own stuff and waiting for the opportunity to say our own thing about our own experiences that we don't give the one thing that people need most when it comes to intimacy - someone listening, really truly listening and taking it in.
Anyway. Food is my approach to love. I think when you give the event of food to draw people in, that love and intimacy you are looking for is just a few steps away! I'll let you know if my plan works out...
posted by cristinacristinacristina at 9:38 PM on September 3, 2017 [5 favorites]
Anyway. Food is my approach to love. I think when you give the event of food to draw people in, that love and intimacy you are looking for is just a few steps away! I'll let you know if my plan works out...
posted by cristinacristinacristina at 9:38 PM on September 3, 2017 [5 favorites]
Not sure if this is allowable since it is an ecourse, but Leo at Zen Habits posted last month on the Magic of Forming New Relationships (platonic and romantic)
posted by spamandkimchi at 6:12 PM on September 5, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by spamandkimchi at 6:12 PM on September 5, 2017 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
- Try to identify a few low-key social environments you can commit to taking part in weekly. You'll have the classes in your grad program to start -- maybe you can add on some time in a more social student study space? Or just making a plan to read at the same coffee shop one afternoon a week? I found the combination of gradually building up warmth and familiarity with a regular schedule I could anticipate to be really nice. For me, after some trial and error, I eventually found a really lovely weekly tea+art night for people with common identities.
- If you run across people that you share things in common with in group settings, try asking to do something similar one-on-one. For your classes, maybe there's somebody who would want to study together? Or at something like a hobby-based night, somebody might want to make art together or chat about a project over lunch? It might happen quickly if you have a spark of affinity with somebody, or it might take some time, and either is totally okay! Just being in the habit of being in these group settings and open to more connection should help with those empty and disconnected feels.
- Along those lines, I 10000% recommend adopting a cat or another animal if that's possible and of interest for you. I delayed doing this for so long, and wasn't sure if grad school was the right time for it, but it's been super super wonderful having a kitty in my life. It helps to have cuddles when you're working on building up connection with other people -- not a replacement, but a source of encouragement you can draw upon :) and if this isn't possible for you, grad students love to gush about their pets/tend to appreciate the offer to cat sit when they're out of town or join in while they walk their dog or other grad student pet life things!
- In general, this might be a good time to listen to your own emotions -- what type of connection feels the most rewarding for you? Is there a way of reaching out to your not-in-your-city friends that feels more rewarding than others? I used to be really shy about FaceTime and Skype until I realized blocking off a couple of hours on a weekend to video chat with a friend felt so so much better than just social media exchanges. Playing games while voicechatting or using a service like Rabbit to watch TV together can help cultivate a rewarding digital hangout vibe too. With your immediate surrounding day-to-day life, maybe there's a type of activity you assumed you weren't interested in but could lead to feeling more content or connected -- intramural sports or exercise classes? Exploring nature? I know sometimes the idea of personal growth and exploration gets exhausting when you just want a little more warmth and connection in your life. Grad school is a really good time though to compartimentalize and realize that, okay, I have to spend X hours being this academic person a week, but Y hours are unaccounted for -- what can I try out? What makes my heart sing?
Also, as far as first impressions go, I wouldn't worry about things like fidgeting or physical cues (and grad school on the whole skews towards our quirky/neurotic crowd anyways, thankfully!) I find that I connect best in random situations when I can tap into some kind of genuine interest and curiosity about the person I'm speaking with, and also remember to offer up a few honest things about myself/what I've experienced that day/etc. (being vulnerable provides that open invitation to connection, and I have to prod myself to not go too far down the always-a-listener path).
Also also: regarding the "cool crowd." There might be a group or two that emerge in grad school with that visible cliquey element (we have a "lounge crew" here) and it might be tempting to try to fit their mold and gain clique-acceptance. Don't worry too much about that part. I've found that some people will always want that jaded tribe within the bigger community feeling, and it works really well for them. But there's also plenty of space to make your own little patchwork of intimate loving friendships that don't rely on meeting certain codes of conduct or bashing other students or whatever. A few folks might even behave completely differently not in that group mindset. Regardless, I just mean to say that your own journey towards intimacy and connection and warmth might not look like others' outward displays of being part of a group, and that's totally okay!!
I hope something in there may possibly be of some help! You seem very genuine and thoughtful in your question and I'm excited for the new connections and experiences and moments that await you :)
posted by elephantsvanish at 8:04 PM on September 2, 2017 [16 favorites]