Suggestions for after-school care and combative co-parenting

September 1, 2017 8:20 AM

So school is about to start and I've picked up a part-time gig as a bus aid while training to be a driver. I have a morning run that they're trying to work around Agent K getting on the bus since I can't convince anyone to come feed him breakfast, dress him, and get him on the bus. The problem comes after my afternoon run. I'll be home an hour or two after he is. And thanks to my ex, I'm completely screwed.

You see, we had the most awesome sitter. In the divorce decree he is court ordered to pay half the child care expenses. I paid her my share faithfully every week. The ex? Owes this poor woman $400. So she understandably has ceased sitting for my son.

He did this to my mom, only she wasn't going to make it through her winter bills and I drained my savings to pay her. He has since refused to pay me back. Not a cent. He's also stopped paying his half of a court ordered debt and now owes me a couple hundred on that as well.

My mom died with him still owing $500 in truck repairs on a truck he owed my sister insurance and registration for a year, because when he had his own car repossessed they leant him their extra truck with the understanding he would put it in his name, pay the insurance, and then slowly buy the truck from them in payments. Instead he drove it around for a year leaving it registered to them, paid no insurance, and gave it back to them when the breaks went and mom refused to give him MORE money for the repairs.

This is the same guy by the way that just took his son to Disney for the week and got married in the park. His new wife supports him - she owns the house, bought him a car, pays his phone, etc. He works the summer season and then goes on unemployment so he can pay the least amount of child support possible, which is $75 a week, which is why paying half the child care was put in a separate decree.

So I have no sitter. I can't in good conscience hire a sitter with him because I know he'll screw them. If I just pay he'll never pay me back. I can't afford what people are charging for disabled sitters in Jersey.

Suggestions? Besides make a voodoo doll of my ex-husband to stick pins in. And no money for sitter = no money for lawyer.

posted by 80 Cats in a Dog Suit to Human Relations (19 answers total)

How old is your child? Is he disabled? Can he partake in an after-school program? My school district has an office that helps with after-care issues, does yours?
posted by amanda at 8:31 AM on September 1, 2017

I believe he is in contempt and you could contact the courts yourself to find out what to do about that without hiring a lawyer. Fun fact: this might result in jail time for him, or a suspended license, and while that won't get you any money it might be the wake up call he needs to stop acting like this.
posted by crunchy potato at 8:31 AM on September 1, 2017 [29 favorites]

Response by poster: He's 14. He's autistic with severe ADHD, anxiety disorder with panic attacks, and OCD.

The school has no after school programs except once a week clubs and sports.
posted by 80 Cats in a Dog Suit at 8:38 AM on September 1, 2017

Response by poster: I'll ask the parent group we have on Facebook, but to date the NT parents and kids avoid the disabled kids like the plague.
posted by 80 Cats in a Dog Suit at 8:39 AM on September 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

Reading your question, it sounds like your best option might be to go ahead and hire another sitter and then get help from the courts with enforcing the payment order for your ex. They have options of how to enforce, not only through docking his nonexistent wages. Document the failure to pay the previous sitter, with emails from the sitter herself if possible.
You might need to go back to court so the payments are not up to him to deliver anymore.

I have no experience with this but if you are in NJ, the court system certainly does!
Here is the page for NJ Child Support where you can locate your county office and call them.
posted by rmless at 8:49 AM on September 1, 2017 [7 favorites]

I can't give any advice on how to make your ex pay what he owes, but do you have any grad schools with a clinical psychology program near you? They may either 1) have some sort of program he could join (my university has a social program for autistic kids that's part of a research project), or 2) have grad students that are willing to work for less than the going rate for disability-specializing sitters in exchange for the experience/practice working with neurodivergent kids. They won't have the experience of someone whose career is sitting disabled kids, but they will likely have more knowledge/skill than your average sitter. Depends on your comfort level.

I'm a clinical psych student and I would be perfectly willing to take a reduced (but still reasonable, e.g. not less than you would pay a regular sitter who does not specialize in sitting disabled kids) rate in exchange for giving me some experience in a field I'm just moving into. If you can afford that, that might be at least a temporary option until you can work with the courts per the suggestions above.
posted by brook horse at 8:56 AM on September 1, 2017 [4 favorites]

Since he's 14 years old and at school all day, it might be better for you to get a job (retail/clerical etc.) while he's in school. After you pay for a sitter for before and after school care, it won't be worth much to work at the driving job.
posted by Coffeetyme at 8:57 AM on September 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

If his new wife has money, it is considered that the household, ie, he, has money - I believe she also can be held on the hook and her income can be calculated for his child support payments even if he is deliberately underemploying himself - perhaps even especially if he is deliberately underemploying himself.
posted by corb at 9:02 AM on September 1, 2017 [8 favorites]

Apologies if this is obvious, but are you plugged into whether the Division of Developmental Disabilities can do anything for you? I ask because my nephew, who is autistic (in a different state), was eligible for a certain amount of free respite care, which was provided by college students specializing in disabilities.

Also, my nephew's parents had good luck getting childcare help through a local church - though they were not members.
posted by FencingGal at 9:22 AM on September 1, 2017 [3 favorites]

Lawyers (in my jurisdiction) in this type of pretty clear cut situation can be willing to work for the fees that will be assessed against your ex by the court when you win. You need to go the legal route as an advocate for your son and everyone else in your family your ex has screwed. Another option is looking for law students that will help you draft documents to be self-represented in court. I'm sorry your ex is such an ass.
posted by saucysault at 9:28 AM on September 1, 2017 [3 favorites]

Can you find someone who also needs care who could help pay for the sitter via a sitter share?

I realize the sitter would want more than s/he was receiving but maybe if you get the sitter more money the sitter can help wait it out while you pursue him legally, or maybe if say you were paying $125/week and your spouse was paying $125, so $250, and now she wants $325 for each kid, you end up either paying $125 and working on your spouse and she waits, or you pay a little bit more but it's not double. (I hope this makes sense.)
posted by warriorqueen at 9:54 AM on September 1, 2017

If his new wife has money, it is considered that the household, ie, he, has money - I believe she also can be held on the hook and her income can be calculated for his child support payments even if he is deliberately underemploying himself - perhaps even especially if he is deliberately underemploying himself.

That depends on the state. My income didn't count in child support calculations for my stepdaughters in Connecticut.
posted by dlugoczaj at 10:32 AM on September 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

What kind of health insurance do you have? Can you get him ABA (with a non-abusive provider) during those hours? Or "community-based instruction" through his IEP? Maybe try calling SPAN and seeing if they have any ideas.

Or if your ex doesn't work, could he stay with your son? Orrrr would his wife be willing to pay to avoid that?
posted by Snarl Furillo at 10:33 AM on September 1, 2017

Here in my statem if my ex violates the agreement, I can take him to court and he is liable for the legal fees incurred to do so. What state are you in?
posted by lakersfan1222 at 11:32 AM on September 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: I'm in New Jersey.
posted by 80 Cats in a Dog Suit at 12:03 PM on September 1, 2017

Please check into the CRPD Medicaid Waiver program for NJ. This will not be an immediate solution. But it can be a long term solution, as they will offer both respite and other kinds of care (often in therapeutic and recreational settings) for your child.

My autistic daughter has waiver services, and her PAC takes her to Speech and Occupational therapy now that I have gone back into the workforce.
posted by headspace at 3:49 PM on September 1, 2017

This might help you out. I would definitely take up FencingGal's advice of going to the Division of Developmental Disabilities. I've just learned that in Wisconsin, children who were diagnosed with autism before the age of 8 are entitled to a certain number of free in-home therapy hours per week. There might be something similar in NJ.

Also, here are some non-profits you could reach out to that may help you (and there may be a lot more if you search for family support services in NJ; there were a lot of organization that I couldn't tell from a glance at their websites if they were non-profit or not but they very well might have been):
Advancing Opportunities, which offers respite care and in-home services.
The Arc Mercer, not sure if it's near you but it provides an after school respite care program. The Arc has a a lot of chapters throughout NJ, so if that one isn't near you, there may be another one that offers some form of respite care.
Durand, which will pay for in-home care after a referral from the Division of Developmental Disabilities. It specifically says they will either provide trained workers, or pay for the hiring of a friend, neighbor, or family member to provide care--so you may be able to keep your current sitter through this.
SCARC has a similar program which provides cash assistance for you to hire a caregiver of your choice.
The Special Parent Advocacy Group has a similar program as well as after school programs.
The Family Resource Network offers in-home respite care, after school programs, and a lot more.

You may also want to look into respite care that is done through a company rather than individual sitters; they may have sliding scale fees according to your income.
posted by brook horse at 7:14 PM on September 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

You absolutely need to be taking him to court, they can garnish his unemployment for non-payment. They can garnish his federal and state tax refunds. They can seize his bank accounts (or joint accounts with his wife). He (and/or his wife) can be prevented from selling property. In NJ, he can have ANY license -- drivers license, hunting license, fishing license, occupational license -- revoked if he is more than six months in arrears. And, yes, he can go to jail.

You definitely need to talk to a lawyer, because your ex can be made to pay your lawyer because you had to go back to court to get him to pay support he's already required to pay -- you don't necessarily need to pay up front. The court also has some discretion to order some kinds of (usually state-funded) service providers to provide services and for your ex to pay them directly, but for the provider to keep providing while the ex doesn't pay (and the provider gets to chase them down for the money). (There may be more available if you have a state medical card for your child.)

Moreover, in NJ, the court can find that your ex is purposely unemployed or underemployed, for the purpose of dodging or reducing child support obligations, and can calculate his child support based on what he WOULD be earning in his profession if he were working normally.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:19 PM on September 1, 2017 [5 favorites]

I'd just like to throw in a caution about therapy/waiver and respite services. These services are not a good answer to your current problem; at least in Iowa where I was a therapy and occasional respite provider, services were targeted toward the family. Respite could only be used when the parent was NOT at work to be sure the parent was actually getting a respite as well as the child.
posted by epj at 8:37 PM on September 1, 2017