Should I give up relationships

January 22, 2006 6:26 PM

Should I give up?

I am 48 years old, a University professor in the UK, male, and I've been celibate and indeed not in any sort of m/f relationship for five years. That came after a relationship with a woman that ended badly, but truth be told I don't think I've ever had a successful relationship, including my 3 year marriage that ended in divorce - no kids.

The last woman I went out with said she'd never gone longer than six months out of a relationship. For me it was much more usual to go two years or so. Six months later she met someone, got married, and had a child (which I think was what I wanted from the relationship, but she didn't - not with me mean.) Would I have been happy if it had happened? I wonder, but looking back it seems incredible I ever thought it could. Indeed, looking back it seems incredible I've ever had a relationship and inconceivable I might again. I literally just can't imagine it - I don't just mean imagine as in how on earth might I meet someone, but imagine as in how could I possibly "live" in a relationship.

I miss the sex, I enjoyed it, but at the same time I suppose at 48 I feel no more able to negotiate that than when I was 18. I still feel tongue-tied and incapable of making the right advances, sending the right messages to women. I don't think I'm ugly or anything like that, but at the same time I suppose I do think that women simply don't notice, or maybe better desire me.

So, I am alone, logging onto an electronic community of all things, but I think this is who I am. And I think I always will be alone now, that I am the solitary, introverted type, for whom relationships never really work. I suspect it is why I ended up in my profession too - it allows me great contact with people, but at arm's length, across a desk or a lectern. In fact, I really don't think I like people that much - all my fantasies of escape would be to empty places, not cities.

So, should I give up? Is this truth or depression speaking to me? Am I happy or should I be sad? It's so difficult to decide. I'm aware that writing this is potentially maudlin (another of my weaknesses) but at the same time I do feel I'd like to ask if other people feel or have felt like this and what their attitude is or was. I've never posted anything like this before.

posted by A189Nut to human relations (39 answers total)

my reeeeeeeeeally short glib answer is that you sound unhappy with yourself and that's it's difficult to have others be romantically attached to you when you feel that way. once you figure out what makes YOU happy, people will be naturally attracted to you. gotta be happy with yourself first.

people are different. there's someone out there for you at 48 just like she was at 18. you're not alone in this, but you probably just need to focus on you - don't be needy or overly submissive. :)
posted by kcm at 6:33 PM on January 22, 2006

Good for you for reaching out!

Now reach out to someone who is qualified to counsel you on these issues: a psychologist. Seriously, there's this whole group of people out there who are trained to answer your questions about depression, intimacy, and happiness. It might take some searching to find a therapist who's a good fit for you, but it's worth it.

Some people have preconceptions about therapy -- that it's useless, that everything can be cured with a pill now anyway, that only crazy people see therapists. None of the above are true. Therapists study the issues you name and have expertise in dealing with them.

Good luck!
posted by equipoise at 6:38 PM on January 22, 2006

A brighter outlook on life will certainly make you more attractive and improve your chances.

If you stop looking, thats when you'll find what youre looking for.
posted by lemonfridge at 6:43 PM on January 22, 2006 [1 favorite]

You sound very lonely. And I don't just mean b/c you aren't in a relationship - I mean that fundamental feeling of being alone, separate, different. And yes, I think that is definitely depression talking. I don't think it's the truth.

Go to a therapist. I think it is absolutely possible to improve your life a great deal. I know you think it's more complicated than I'm making it out to be, but that's depression talking. Depression and I have been around the block several times. In my experience, it clouds your vision and makes everything seem more difficult and complicated than need be.
posted by selfmedicating at 6:44 PM on January 22, 2006 [1 favorite]

But I'm not looking, that's my point. And I don't know if I want to start again.
posted by A189Nut at 6:44 PM on January 22, 2006

This may sound like silly pep-talk stuff, but an available 48-year old male can do OK with women his own age, from what I've seen. Just be decent, women that age seem to want confirmation that not all men are shitheels. and just listen to them. You'll be fine.
posted by jonmc at 6:49 PM on January 22, 2006

Honestly, I wouldn't start looking at this point. There are a lot of people who are single and happy - I'd focus on becoming one of them. And when your life is good solo, you may want to add a relationship to it. Or not. But really, you want to be fully engaged in and enjoying your own life, with or without a partner.
posted by selfmedicating at 6:49 PM on January 22, 2006

and that's why we say you sound really alone. it's a sign of depression, really - it's not a stigma, it happens to everyone, but success breeds success and it's hard to climb back up. I think it's more common than you think.

rather than starting out with a full-on codepdenent relationship, just make an effort (as I said above) to be happy with yourself and make friends both male and female, and do stuff that isn't romantically involved. it'll fall into place. a therapist may be worth a visit as suggested, but that's up to you - worth trying a few times, really.
posted by kcm at 6:50 PM on January 22, 2006

I should also ask: you want a full-on relationship someday, but do you want some encounters to stave off loneliness in the meantime? Because my advice still holds for that.
posted by jonmc at 6:53 PM on January 22, 2006

This is great, for you that is.

1. Don't give up. I'm only 37 but I've had to recreate myself many times. That's not what you're asking, but it's very helpful to know.

2. 50 is the new middle age. You're not there yet. Choose to be happy.

3. You appear to be a sensitive and intelligent man. Women/girls really love that in a man. It sounds as though you are maybe selling yourself short in regard to how you see yourself. Hence, re-read #1. You have many years ahead of you and it's never too late to fall in love.

As one man to another, I have had incredibly sad fate in the past with relationships, (suicidal death of wife) yes, I was going to quit too. So I just focused on the things that I love. Music, literature and film. By some miracle or divine intervention, I found someone who shares those things with me and we fell in love. So hang in there man, anyone with your depth deserves to have a mate.
posted by snsranch at 6:56 PM on January 22, 2006 [1 favorite]

You ask, "Should I give up?" I ask, "Could you?"

I felt the same as you about 15 years ago. Like you, I couldn't imagine ever being in a relationship. I figured I was destined to be alone. I even went to therapy to try to cope with a life by myself. (My therapist wouldn't let me get away with this. She pushed me to try relationships.)

Like you, I decided to "give up," but it didn't work. I STILL longed for companionship. What does giving up mean? Could you really just turn off your urges? I think the desire for companionship (love, sex, etc.) is part of being a human.

Like you, I am an introvert and sometimes a misanthrope (I also teach for a living -- for some of the same reasons you do.)

Then, out of the blue, I met the woman who is now my wife. And we've been together for a decade.

Coupling is an odds game. Yes, some people will go to their graves without partners, even if they do everything they can to make themselves a catch. But you CAN stack the odds in your favor.

This is much easier today than it was in the past. There is INFORMATION out there. There are counselors to help you, there are books, videos, etc. LEARN how to make yourself more attractive.

In my case, I resisted doing this sort of stuff for years. Partly this was due to pride (though I never would have admitted it). Why SHOULD I have to change? A REAL woman would be able to look through my quiet exterior and find the gem inside! Why should I have to play a damn game? Why should I have to sell myself?

Maybe it's sad, maybe it's fun when you get into it, maybe it's terrible, but it is what it is -- a mating game. Even if you hate it, it's worth playing, because the rewards are so great.

I also didn't want to play because I was scared. What if I try to improve my chances -- what if I put a ton of energy into it -- and FAIL? Of course, there IS that chance, but by trying you increase your odds of success.

Remember, there are also a ton of lonely women out there, looking for a good man.

Should you give up? I wouldn't if I were you. You're young. Don't think 48 is young? It is when it comes to love. Why? Because if you find love when you're 86, it STILL won't be too late. And if you live until you're 87, you'll have spent your last year in love. And that will be so much better than spending your last year alone. If you try, I expect you'll find someone before you're 86, but it's NEVER too late.
posted by grumblebee at 6:57 PM on January 22, 2006 [2 favorites]

See a therapist. So many people do these days, and they can help you with it. You sound like do miss being in a relationship, so this talk about "not wanting to start again" is silly.
Forget your age, there are lots of middle-aged singles. You say you don't think you're ugly, and you sound intelligent, personable and accomplished, so it sounds like all you need is a little confidence. Honestly, it sounds like a therapist will do you a world of good. Don't waste another second of life in your present situation.
And start looking again!
posted by Count Ziggurat at 7:10 PM on January 22, 2006

Should I give up?

No.

There is zero reason why you should give up, i.e. close off any and all possiblities of a relationship.


So don't give up.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:14 PM on January 22, 2006

Selfmedicating's answer is great: choose to be happy and single. It's a process, of course, not just some overnight equation that you can just magically "decide" to believe in. But therein, I really believe, is the secret: living an active, engaged life, deeply connected to yourself and to others, even when "others" don't include a romantic partner. It may mean you'll open the door to new relationships that wouldn't have come your way otherwise -- but even if it doesn't and you do stay happy and single, it beats the alternative of being unhappy and single by a mile.
posted by scody at 7:16 PM on January 22, 2006

If you stop looking, thats when you'll find what youre looking for.

This always sounds so horribly trite and perky when you're the suffering one. It also happens to be true for quite a lot of people. It's how I met my wife, in fact. And I, too, could not imagine myself living the married life. Funny old world.

The thing is, though you sound resigned to this "fate," you don't sound at peace with it. You sound saddened and even depressed by it. And in that state, you'll never find it. I'd say you need to focus on yourself. Focus on making yourself happy. If you think counseling could help, and I bet it could, do it.

In the meantime, be as good to yourself as you can be. Find things to do that you enjoy and do them. Buy yourself nice things. If you don't know how to cook, learn how, and cook things for yourself and your friends. Don't just fall into the cycle of getting up, going to work, coming home, reading, watching the news and going to bed. Go out for drinks with friends, go jogging or walking frequently. Have sex as the opportunity presents itself. Get a new suit. Take up woodworking, whatever. Just focus on building a life for yourself, and keep the door to that place open so strangers can drop by.

It sounds like Pollyanna shit, I know, but experience has taught me how horribly easy it is to build a wall around yourself without even realizing you've done it. Don't close off possibilities. But don't worry about Ms. Right. Worry about you.
posted by middleclasstool at 7:24 PM on January 22, 2006 [1 favorite]

I think equipoise is right on the money - you should seek counsel from someone who's good at these kinds of issues. Intelligence about these matters differs so vastly from the kind of intelligence it takes to be a university professor. If you were a genius in this area, you wouldn't be posting this question.

But there *are* people who are really smart and wise when it comes to this kind of thing. Your students seek out your instruction and counsel because you're the expert in your field; don't you suppose that you might consult an expert at something which you'd like to understand better?
posted by ikkyu2 at 7:32 PM on January 22, 2006

Argh! I hear what you're saying, this is me.

I also never look for relationships, and feel content when not in one (although I am currently in a satisfying long term relationship). When I'm not in a relationship, I do sort of feel like the effort required to be "in the market" is really more effort than I'm willing to expend.

You're clearly an intelligent person, and I don't want to overplay the obvious, especially as you already describe yourself as a "solitary, introverted type" (which I very much identify with), but for me I stopped beating myself up about this part of myself when I read this rather amusing article (a warning to sensitive extroverts reading this, the writer of this article does rather go on about how great introverts are, this is not my opinion).

Lots of things in the article made sense, but the part that really clicked for me was this: "many introverts, when socializing, feel like actors". Yay! Confirmation that I'm not alone! I shared the article with my boyfriend, and it has strangely made a world of difference to our relationship. I had felt much as you do, that relationships were something that would just never work for me in the long run. It sounds like a silly thing to "click", but we live in an extroverts world, I think it's hard for introverts to identify with themselves properly.

On the other hand, I also don't think you need to be in a relationship to be happy.

And also, if you are wondering if you are depressed, it sure wouldn't hurt to seek some guidance in that area too.
posted by ancamp at 7:37 PM on January 22, 2006 [1 favorite]

I'll go further than most and suggest that a precondition for truly falling in love is to be able to be happy, really happy, as a single person. Not everyone actually gets to or has to test that proposition, and those that don't are pretty lucky, I think.

So I would (and have, in fact) figure out what you can do in your life to make yourself really happy for yourself. Once you do that, you stand a good chance of finding something interesting. It's a long-term plan - this kind of thing doesn't happen overnight, but even if you never were to find someone you'd still be OK cause you'd be generally happy. Honestly, you may decide that you really like being single and not resign yourself to that life - as you seem to be on the verge of - but embrace it.
posted by mikel at 7:46 PM on January 22, 2006

Third/fourth the shrink idea. Can't hurt (except for the wallet.) No reason to just throw in the towel unless you really want to.
posted by callmejay at 7:48 PM on January 22, 2006

Everything I wanted to say has been said in previous comments.

So, life can be good and fun whether singly or in tandem. I hope you find your spark (I was going to say joy, but it sounded cheesey) again. I wish you all the luck in the world.
posted by TorontoSandy at 7:49 PM on January 22, 2006

well, i'm 48 and single ... and often have the same thoughts ... but how i'm dealing with it is to use this time to get some things together that i've never had the time to do, thanks to demanding and trying relationships ... i've had time and space to accomplish some things in the past year and a half ... i've had time and space to improve as a person and consider things

i'm not looking right now ... i kind of feel that i'm on a roll and should just keep doing what i'm doing and i'll know when the time is right to start exploring a relationship ... truth is, i'm more concerned with the future of my employment right now than anything else ... and kind of feel that i should hang loose for awhile because of that
posted by pyramid termite at 7:50 PM on January 22, 2006

Get a haircut, so something that may make you feel a little more cheered up. The night I met my mate, I met 3 other people who I got phone numbers from. It just happend that I got a haircut and was feeling pretty good about myself. People sense that and are attracted to that. People don't want to be around someone who brings them down. Unless maybe they are into goth or something like that ;)
posted by _zed_ at 8:01 PM on January 22, 2006

I've heard people say that we become more of who we are as we age - it's like time distills us. To some extent this means we become more set in our ways and maybe have less room for the compromises a relationship entails, but we also are much better aware of what we need from life, and this can mean that we know early on whether something will work or it won't. Don't give up, don't even think of it like that. Work on being happy and fulfilled in your life, make yourself and your life as close to how you really want them to be as you can, be open to possibility, be out there, but don't be "looking", and if the right person comes along, then they do.

I agree that you sound depressed and like you could benefit from seeing someone who can help you sort things out in your own head. But I also think that you don't need to think about this as some kind of decision you need to make, since it doesn't really work that way in my experience (I'm younger, and married, but I was VERY happily single for a number of years before I met my husband). 48 is SO not over the hill, especially if you're open minded and adventurous and challenge yourself. Do something you've always wanted to do, take a course, learn something new, shake things up a bit, if you meet someone, that's great, but there is also no reason you can't be happy and single.

I have thought exactly what you're describing, and all I can say is that I somehow came to the conclusion that wasting time trying to make decisions about things which were almost completely out of my hands was just silly. You don't find good relationships by deciding to find them, in my experience, most of the time good relationships just happen, as long as you keep yourself open to them, and don't become a hermit, and are comfortable enough in your own skin when someone interesting comes along that you can actually HAVE a good relationship with them.
posted by biscotti at 8:04 PM on January 22, 2006

This will be the obligatory mention of the cognitive therapy classics Intimate Connections and Feeling Good, by the same author.

You can only decide for yourself if relationships -- and the intimacy and sex especially -- are "worth" the trouble to you. Maybe they're not. But I'd expect that more likely than not, you're dealing with extended low-grade depression, what's sometimes called dysthymia -- the inability to enjoy.

I would check those books out and do the basic self-assessments in the early chapters to judge whether you have some kind of true depression, or unrealistic attitudes about relationships. The book alone may help you correct them, or perhaps help you decide to seek formal treatment. There are a wealth of anti-depressants available today that are safe (with some caveats: everyon'e brain is different) and effective (as effective as anything else, that is). Group therapy can also help, even if it doesn't seem right for you -- it's the one thing I did not follow through with enough when I was dealing with my last major depressive episode. But you'll have people you can talk to who understand your personal situation, rather than passing judgement.

You're 48. That isn't too old to start living, unless it's the 1600s.
posted by dhartung at 8:12 PM on January 22, 2006

My dad, reinvented himself at age 57...met a woman and got married (happily) for the last 15 years.

The real quesiton you have to ask yourself, is what are you doing today to live a happier life?

Therapy, perhaps? Dating, perhaps? The only thing you have to do, is be willing to get out there and be hurt. Be willing to make mistakes.

Ships are safe in a port, but that's not what ships are for.
posted by filmgeek at 8:22 PM on January 22, 2006

I want to second (or third, whatever), the advice about getting to a point where you don't feel like something is missing if you're not in a relationship.

I'm comparitively younger (27), single, and fine with it. I'm not looking, and I don't feel like I need to be with someone. I wouldn't turn my back on a relationship if it came along, and I certainly haven't "given up," but since I've been single it's become a kind of non-issue. I've found that I'm perfectly content on my own and live a very full life without a significant other.

I guess what I'm trying to say is- try and get yourself to a place where the question "should I give up?" isn't even raised. No, don't give up. But don't feel like "giving up" is something akin to defeat or loss.
posted by Meredith at 8:36 PM on January 22, 2006 [1 favorite]

I'm not sure what "giving up" would consist of, exactly. You might meet someone some day, or you might not; is there anything you really have to do differently if you assume one outcome or the other?

Even the most solitary among us need some kind of social contact, and the same behaviors that help you develop a fun and satisfying community of friends will also increase your chances of meeting someone with whom you might want a relationship. Maudlin and melancholy feelings will drift in at times, but these same behaviors will help keep them from taking over. A wise and skilful therapist can help you figure out what, in your case, those behaviors might be.

Also, to repeat what everyone else is saying: you aren't old, and five years isn't an outrageously long time. Your ex-gf with the six-month maximum gap? I'd guess she isn't very picky.
posted by tangerine at 10:03 PM on January 22, 2006 [1 favorite]

Single and 45 here. Never actively looking for relationships but open myself up to the idea when I meet someone interesting. I was divorced for the second time about seven years ago. I closed myself off for a good 5 years. What's nice now is feeling that I don't have to have a relationship but if I run into one I could chose to enter into it if I want to. The change in attitude has been freeing. I no longer feel lonely or desperate. I think the suggestions for counseling are very sound.
posted by Carbolic at 10:17 PM on January 22, 2006

Should I give up?

Yes, you should. Give up. Just totally, utterly give it up.

But not in the way you might think it means.

Give up on trying to fit into someone else's pre-existing pattern. Give up on trying to fit into your vision of what you think you "ought" to be doing. Give up on focusing on others.

Don't give up on yourself, though. Focus on yourself. Try it out for, say, six months. Work, exercise, eat right, watch movies, hang out with friends -- just hang out. Don't set limiters or expectations. Have trouble "connecting" with women? Give up. Just talk. And listen. Make no expectations.

It's hard. But this worked for me. I just stood up one day and said, "I give up. This isn't working." And I went off and did something else. And that's when it happened.
posted by frogan at 10:43 PM on January 22, 2006

Thank you. These are kind and helpful things to say. I don't know if I will change, but at least now I have a sense that others have been there - and come back.
posted by A189Nut at 12:01 AM on January 23, 2006

Hey there Nut - tell us, what sort of stuff are you into? Hiking? Rock concerts? Contemporary classical music? Arnold Schwartzenneger movies?

What kind of women would you like to meet?

Another great suggestion I've heard: start a blog. A GOOD blog, like Waiter Rant or the like, attracts women like flies. Often fellow introverts.
posted by By The Grace of God at 1:25 AM on January 23, 2006

The UK is a pretty shite place to be single or meet someone. I don't know if living somewhere else could be on the cards for you, but if you did fancy a change.
posted by lunkfish at 2:31 AM on January 23, 2006

I second/third the notion of being someone who is happy being single and pursuing interesting activities and goals. That alone will make you much more attractive.
posted by craniac at 6:35 AM on January 23, 2006

You are depressed. Talk to your GP about it - they really will help. It's unfortunately very common, but fortunately quite treatable (the only really bad thing about depression is that one of the symptoms is to convince yourself that it's not treatable).

Or if you prefer, here's the love algorithm:

1. Put out.
2. If you fail to attract a mate, lower your standards and go to 1.
3. If you get laid, but it doesn't work out, raise your standards and go to 1.
4. If it does work out, get married.

There will come a point where you're better off single than lowering your standards any further. While most women reach this point at some time in their lives, most men don't.

(Yes, I am ashamed for saying it, but more fool women who don't believe it and damn the lies of men who claim otherwise)
posted by hoverboards don't work on water at 8:48 AM on January 23, 2006

I think the question "should I give up?" reflects two things:
1. Your needs aren't being met, and you are considering "abandoning" those needs rather than planning how to meet them.
2. You aren't that interested in other people.

If you aren't interested in them, they won't be interested in you. This also works with dogs and children.

I don't know why you aren't curious about the people around you: what are their families like, what music do they like, what would they think of x (movie, music, sport, tee shirt).

Your lack of interest in people dooms you to boredom, since people are the most complicated unpredictable surprises of all time (light bulb? dill pickles? where do they come up with this stuff?). Take an interest. Ask whatever questions occur to you. Be a student of other people... and check back in six months.
posted by ewkpates at 8:53 AM on January 23, 2006

I think I've given up - do you want a report from this side of the fence? I'm 42 and I just got tired of the whole thing, quite like what you've described. So I've given up. Amazingly, it's changed nothing in my life although I do feel somewhat less stressed by my persistent and apparently eternal single state. I was proud of myself for giving up for a while, than resigned, and then I realized that the whole thing was semantics anyway. I wasn't dating before I gave up - I'm still not dating - maybe someone will come along and I'll date again, or maybe not, but either way the giving up hasn't changed a thing.

Basically, what I'm saying is that giving up isn't really possible while you're still breathing. You just have to go on about your life as best you can and figure that maybe someone else will be part of it, or maybe they won't - it's pretty much out of your control. That way, you realize that it isn't a question of giving up or not giving up - the only decision is whether to leave the whole relationship thing up to fate or to get all active about it.

If you opt for active you can start answering or running personal ads (an ungodly miserable thing to do, I've always found, YM, of course, MV) and going out to the bars (this has it's points ;-) ) and bumping into attractive people at the supermarket and starting conversations (I can't do this.) If you leave it all up to fate you can at least rail against the cruelty of it all, but on the other hand your chances are probably far far better with the active approach. I don't know. Like I said, I've given up.
posted by mygothlaundry at 2:31 PM on January 23, 2006

Being in a relationship/marriage is not necessarily all cuddlebunnies and butterflies. I have been where you are, and at 45 did find someone, but after being married for 5 years I can tell you, marriage is not easy. My other married friends agree. This weekend, one friend described it as "the process of arriving at compromises that please neither of you." We laughed, but it is sort of true. I have found marriage incredibly hard work, especially so late in life. It is not just two souls humming along into eternity, always holding each other and gazing into each other's eyes. Nor is it a guarantee of regular sex. Or someone to sit beside you and read the Sunday paper while you play classical music. Sometimes, that person doesn't like classical music, or wants to go for a vigorous hike. Sometimes they are so mad at you it makes you miserable for hours. They feel differently about life than you, and have their own particular quirks that sometimes drive you nuts. Sometimes, they're just in a bad mood and don't know why. And a lot of the time they really just want you to listen to their feelings, when you really just want them to shut the fuck up.

I loved being alone and single, but I think my marriage has made me much more connected to the world. Yeah, I am a loner and I don't like people either. All my fantasies also involved living alone in a place no one else lives, but I actually don't fare well mentally when that happens. I become very depressed, withdrawn, hopeless, and eventually, numb and disconnected.

Marriage is messy and because of that, it requires you to connect and engage and require more human things of yourself. Like understanding, compassion, and non-judgment. It is also filled with joy and laughter and a sense of facing the dreary world every day with an ally and a friend. I need that. More than I need my alone time. I need a fellow soldier in the trenches.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, there is a down side to being single and alone. There is an equal amount of down side to being in a relationship. In either one you can choose to be grateful and happy, or regretful and hopeless. In general, nothing you do in life is filled only with joy. It's always balanced by heartache. I have decided to embrace that. It's okay to be either: single or married. Just, don't decide that that's the thing that will save or destroy you.
posted by generic230 at 4:24 PM on January 23, 2006 [2 favorites]

What Dhartung said.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:36 PM on January 23, 2006

I hope you're still reading the responses to this entry; I'm coming to the party rather late. But life's been rather busy for me as of late.

My life is, in many ways, similar to your own. When I was reading the Wikipedia entry for the movie The 40-Year-Old Virgin, I noticed that they described the main character as being love-shy. I followed the link, and felt that the Wikipedia entry on love-shyness described me very, very well — almost disturbingly so.

I am not sure that the online community that is linked to is really a place of much health -- it seems to be the equivalent of a wailing wall, rather than a place where people can mutually bring themselves up. I would not recommend staying any length of time there; it does not seem to be a healthy place to congregate.

So I really don't have a solution for you on how to "cure" it, if you do indeed believe that this is what you have. I am working my way through the Gilmartin book they suggest (just put up with the brief 'Kirklian aura' forays — there is useful material in there), and I am trying to just live my life open to the possibility that things may work out romantically — and in the meantime, trying to give attention to other areas of my life that sorely need it and will make me feel better about myself anyway — such as taking care of my finances, and trying to lose a substantial amount of weight.

And I would recommend that if you are not in therapy, you get into it. It is not for lesser or weaker people, it is not that difficult to arrange if you are in a position of any sort of employment, it is not difficult to pay for. It is perhaps the biggest difference you can possibly make in your life.
posted by WCityMike at 9:05 AM on January 29, 2006