Reaching out to an old friend

July 24, 2017 11:26 PM

How to deal with old friendships, reconnecting and what it all means... (Snowflakes inside.)

I have a friend, “Kate”, whom I have known since childhood. Kate grew up in a difficult family (ie: abusive) and struggled with learning disabilities. She would take her frustrations out on me and it was difficult. We had a rocky friendship because Kate would blame everything on me. I’m not perfect, but I didn’t deserve to be Kate’s punching bag.

My family knew of her situation and became almost like a second family to her. My mom would cook dinner for her and her sister; we would take her on vacations, etc.

As we got older, Kate gained more confidence, and she sort of learned how to cope with frustrating events and was a little more stable and fun to be around.
We were friends for a while and then we sort of lost touch. Kate would probably blame me, but she only called when she needed something and if I wasn’t around, she would get mad. She would expect me to drop everything for her and if I couldn’t, she would yell at me. She would interrogate me and ask me who I was with and where I was. When we did hang out, she would call me ugly and make fun of the way I look. (Kate is very pretty.) She was competitive and downright nasty.
I saw her at a mutual friend’s wedding and it was… awkward. Kate seemed nice at first, but then bragged about being there with her date and talked about how her life is so great.

I haven’t talked to or seen her in about 6 or 7 years. I found out through social media that she is getting married and emailed her to wish her congratulations. She did respond, but I don’t know if she’s just being nice or is glad to hear from me.

I don’t make friends easily, so I don’t know if I’m just lonely or reminiscing. She can be very sweet and funny; she’s very social and fun to be around, but I know of her “darker side” that rarely anyone knows about. It was almost like walking on eggshells around her. I am happy for her and it would be great to talk occasionally, but I don’t want to be sucked down that dark hole.

What do I do?

posted by Kobayashi Maru to Human Relations (10 answers total)

You want to talk occasionally, which sounds like a very achievable goal, given you both are adults now. Grown adults, especially married ones, don't tend to obsess over friends the way they might have as teens.

I say go for it, reach out and say hi. I'm sure you're fully equipped to hit the eject button if need be.

Two observations:

"... seemed nice at first, but then bragged about being there with her date and talked about how her life is so great."

You're presenting this as a sin, but, with kinder eyes, I could rephrase this as, "I'm so excited about my date and my life right now!" Maybe her tone was off, but I'm having trouble seeing how this makes her a bad person.

"...but I know of her “darker side” that rarely anyone knows about."

If this is really a problem, trust me, everyone knows about it. If they don't, give her credit for growing past that old dark side.

It sounds like you miss her. I'd reach out without worrying too much about potential downsides.
posted by flod at 12:12 AM on July 25, 2017 [2 favorites]

To me, the obvious answer is no. She sounds like she was a pretty mean person before! When approaching people that we know have mean tendencies to be our friends again, it is always worth taking a pause and asking why we are doing this. Are we hoping they have changed? That rarely tends to be the case. Do we feel at some level that it's worth risking criticism and meanness for them, because this person is a relic from our childhood? There is an indisputable power to that argument, but it is not a healthy or productive thing for us to do. I would not try to be friends with this woman again. That is not to say don't cherish the past, but you are more likely to have supportive and positive friendships with new people you don't know yet than this woman, with whom you're already starting at a deficit.
posted by benadryl at 3:01 AM on July 25, 2017 [10 favorites]

It sounds like you miss her but don't trust her. That's fine. If you can trust yourself to have boundaries and enforce them with her, go ahead and say hi. The interactions only have to go as far as you want them to and if things start to make you feel uncomfortable or bad you can always cease contact with her then. Just remember that you don't have to do or put up with anything you don't want to.
posted by Polychrome at 3:50 AM on July 25, 2017 [1 favorite]

It depends on what you're looking for.

The way you describe Kate, her upbringing and her behaviour, it sounds like she does not have healthy attachment skills. That is, she was not taught as an infant by her parents how to form normal healthy attachments.

So she loved you and was funny and sweet but blamed you and was mean and cruel too. Because that was the attachment style her childhood taught her.

She may have developed better attachment skills now. She may not. She may have developed better skills but still fall back into the old habits with you. She may not.

If you want to have an occasional friend you are on good terms with and see occasionally then get in touch. If you want a loving close best friend to be there for you then you might need to look elsewhere.
posted by intergalacticvelvet at 3:51 AM on July 25, 2017 [3 favorites]

On a scale of 1 - 10, how likely are you to get sucked back into her drama, demanding behaviours, and blame?

On a scale of 1 - 10, how likely are you to draw firm boundaries, calmly tell her when her comments are not acceptable, and walk away when she's abusive?
posted by DarlingBri at 7:14 AM on July 25, 2017 [3 favorites]

Probably 90% of adult friendships are occasionally touching base and keeping up on social media and maybe exchanging holiday cards. It's not like being kids where friendships are deeply intimate and intense.

And you probably shouldn't aim for any more than that, she's kind of awful. I don't think you should be looking to her for any sort of rekindling of a major relationship in your life.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:40 AM on July 25, 2017 [1 favorite]

I think I missed the part about why you think of this person as a friend.
posted by tillsbury at 4:15 PM on July 25, 2017 [4 favorites]

Response by poster: I just don't understand why I'm held to a different standard than other friends. Other people stopped talking to her or weren't nice to her, yet she still talks to them. She would use me to take her frustrations out on and when I don't want to take it, she got mad. I'm not perfect but I didn't deserve her treatment sometimes. Yet she would never take responsibility. We could never "talk things out". I was the "bad guy" every single time.

Again, not playing victim, but do I have the word "Doormat" stamped on my forehead? I don't get it.
posted by Kobayashi Maru at 11:00 AM on July 28, 2017

You get no guarantees in life that a person is going to treat you fairly or equitably. Whatever narrative she's created for herself about you has pinned you up as the bad guy. It's got nothing to do with reason or fairness or comparison to other people. This is what she decided about you, and you can take it or not take it, but you can't change what she has decided. This is her problem to solve, not yours.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:11 PM on July 28, 2017

Well look, if you got close to this person again, you would probably have a better answer to your question. You could see how she treats people poorly in some situations (I'm sure it's not selective to you - most people have quite a limited number of moves), and you could see how she treats people well in others, and analyze the difference. But you wouldn't get a friend out of this. She's not playing fair with you. It's very much ok and does not make you a doormat. You may be puzzled why you gave them so much honey and they gave you vinegar, but you do know the explanation at some level. Don't worry too too much about it.
posted by benadryl at 12:50 AM on July 29, 2017