Help me be a bicurious man?
July 23, 2017 3:27 PM Subscribe
I'm a dude with a lot of heterosexual experience and small but non-zero homosexual experience, and I keep seeing beautiful men who awaken feelings in me, but I'm not sure what to do about them.
I'm really interested in exploring this area of my sexuality, but I want to do it in a way that is honest to my potential partners. The men that I am attracted to are primarily older than me (I'm late thirties) and in very good shape. I would generally identify my feelings as subbish in nature, but I don't think I'm really a bottom in the general sense.
To put it bluntly, I don't think I want to be fucked in the ass, nor do I especially want to fuck another man in the ass. But I very much do want to touch and kiss and explore the bodies of these men. How do I go about making that happen in a safe environment without making people angry or annoyed when I say that this is as far as I want to go?
Also, am I way off base in thinking this is even an option? I am a pudgy middle-aged dude. Do I have any chance of hooking up with beautiful and understanding older men?
I'm really interested in exploring this area of my sexuality, but I want to do it in a way that is honest to my potential partners. The men that I am attracted to are primarily older than me (I'm late thirties) and in very good shape. I would generally identify my feelings as subbish in nature, but I don't think I'm really a bottom in the general sense.
To put it bluntly, I don't think I want to be fucked in the ass, nor do I especially want to fuck another man in the ass. But I very much do want to touch and kiss and explore the bodies of these men. How do I go about making that happen in a safe environment without making people angry or annoyed when I say that this is as far as I want to go?
Also, am I way off base in thinking this is even an option? I am a pudgy middle-aged dude. Do I have any chance of hooking up with beautiful and understanding older men?
Yes, you have a chance. The desires and boundaries you're expressing are not uncommon. Do be up-front about them, and set expectations with your potential partners.
It's okay to not want to do anal. Plenty of gay men don't want to do that with their hookup partners (or at all). But you should think about what you do want to do. "Explore bodies" can mean anything from light massage to blowjobs. Express your comfort level with your partners.
And even with all that, some guys may still get annoyed that you don't want to go farther. That's not your problem. You were honest about your boundaries, and if they're annoyed that's on them.
posted by Banknote of the year at 4:52 PM on July 23, 2017 [7 favorites]
It's okay to not want to do anal. Plenty of gay men don't want to do that with their hookup partners (or at all). But you should think about what you do want to do. "Explore bodies" can mean anything from light massage to blowjobs. Express your comfort level with your partners.
And even with all that, some guys may still get annoyed that you don't want to go farther. That's not your problem. You were honest about your boundaries, and if they're annoyed that's on them.
posted by Banknote of the year at 4:52 PM on July 23, 2017 [7 favorites]
Yes, this is totally a thing. Depending on where you are, I used to find (in my single days) that different outlets are more receptive to different body types. If you don't want to risk keeping apps on your phone for reasons, set up a profile at Adam4Adam [NSFW, obvs] and explore at home. If that's not a concern, I'd say Scruff [yep, NSFW] is definitely in your demographic (skews older with more varied physiques - also a superior user interface in general). As with all relationships, casual and otherwise, communication is key.
If you want to keep this in the real world, bath houses are definitely still a thing ... here in L.A., at least. There may be too many sanitary or cultural variables for this to be a comfortable idea where you live, but they're not a complete casualty of the '80s. And in any half-decent one, the culture of consent applies and is well understood.
posted by mykescipark at 6:32 PM on July 23, 2017
If you want to keep this in the real world, bath houses are definitely still a thing ... here in L.A., at least. There may be too many sanitary or cultural variables for this to be a comfortable idea where you live, but they're not a complete casualty of the '80s. And in any half-decent one, the culture of consent applies and is well understood.
posted by mykescipark at 6:32 PM on July 23, 2017
I think you're brave and awesome for doing this, and I think ultimately you'll have positive and enriching experiences.
I'd start with these two things:
- look into attending LGBTQ+ groups and spaces in your area. A gay bar could work, especially if you could go with a friend, but a more low-key situation would be ideal such as a Meetup group or gay sports team. You want dates but also friends, too!
- create an OKCupid profile about yourself that includes much of what you've written above: who you are, what you want, and the like. Dating is hard for most people and comes with ups and downs for everyone. However, the more honest and direct you are will help you meet the kind of men you want and will set you up for success. (You know all of this!) As for your specific situation, many interested men will be understanding, most men won't mind, and some men will be very excited by it. Just delete/block anyone who sends you a message that is unfriendly or too forward. OKCupid takes a bit more work than Tinder and Grindr but also allows you to be more relaxed at first; the other sites can come with time if you're not feeling ready yet to jump into negotiating hookups. I am a queer woman but not a gay/bisexual/etc. man so I defer to folks who can offer more specific advice based on their experiences.
Do you ever read or listen to SavageLove? Dan Savage has great advice and surely has old episodes and articles that would pertain to you. Additionally, I'd recommend brushing up on safer sex techniques and finding an HIV testing location near you. I'd recommend this to anyone and everyone, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. It's good having quick access to a health clinic who understands what you're going through with health care providers who are empowering and non-judgmental. I'd hope that you feel comfortable talking about all of this with your GP but I know that sometimes it's easier starting fresh with people who are chill. PrEP is an important medical advance and perhaps something to look into. The aforementioned clinic could also help you with setting boundaries and expressing what you want. Seeing a gay-friendly therapist could also help provide support as you start to navigate this newer-to-you dating world as well as life in general!
I'm a bisexual/pansexual woman who had my "second coming out" of sorts in my early thirties so I can relate to your situation in many ways. While we still have a long way to go in terms of LGBTQ+ visibility and rights in the US, it has gotten so much better in these past ten years; in fact, it's actually a really good time to be doing this. If you'd like to chat a bit more via MeMail, you're welcome to send a message. I wish you the best of luck and much fun and happiness!
posted by smorgasbord at 4:46 AM on July 24, 2017
I'd start with these two things:
- look into attending LGBTQ+ groups and spaces in your area. A gay bar could work, especially if you could go with a friend, but a more low-key situation would be ideal such as a Meetup group or gay sports team. You want dates but also friends, too!
- create an OKCupid profile about yourself that includes much of what you've written above: who you are, what you want, and the like. Dating is hard for most people and comes with ups and downs for everyone. However, the more honest and direct you are will help you meet the kind of men you want and will set you up for success. (You know all of this!) As for your specific situation, many interested men will be understanding, most men won't mind, and some men will be very excited by it. Just delete/block anyone who sends you a message that is unfriendly or too forward. OKCupid takes a bit more work than Tinder and Grindr but also allows you to be more relaxed at first; the other sites can come with time if you're not feeling ready yet to jump into negotiating hookups. I am a queer woman but not a gay/bisexual/etc. man so I defer to folks who can offer more specific advice based on their experiences.
Do you ever read or listen to SavageLove? Dan Savage has great advice and surely has old episodes and articles that would pertain to you. Additionally, I'd recommend brushing up on safer sex techniques and finding an HIV testing location near you. I'd recommend this to anyone and everyone, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. It's good having quick access to a health clinic who understands what you're going through with health care providers who are empowering and non-judgmental. I'd hope that you feel comfortable talking about all of this with your GP but I know that sometimes it's easier starting fresh with people who are chill. PrEP is an important medical advance and perhaps something to look into. The aforementioned clinic could also help you with setting boundaries and expressing what you want. Seeing a gay-friendly therapist could also help provide support as you start to navigate this newer-to-you dating world as well as life in general!
I'm a bisexual/pansexual woman who had my "second coming out" of sorts in my early thirties so I can relate to your situation in many ways. While we still have a long way to go in terms of LGBTQ+ visibility and rights in the US, it has gotten so much better in these past ten years; in fact, it's actually a really good time to be doing this. If you'd like to chat a bit more via MeMail, you're welcome to send a message. I wish you the best of luck and much fun and happiness!
posted by smorgasbord at 4:46 AM on July 24, 2017
I'm not clear that the OP wants to date, in which case OKC is absolutely the wrong site. Scruff skews older but Jack'd is the most popular app. I wouldn't get freaked out by HIV if you're not doing anal stuff. You can get other STIs through oral sex.
I really don't think you'll have a problem finding guys who do not want anal play. Just communicate that clearly. I think you'll have the best luck with other beginner bi guys. The scene can be viciously shallow, but there are definitely guys into pudgier, "older" men (sorry, but anyone over 35 is an "older" man in the gay scene). But do you consider pudgier men to be "beautiful"? If not, why should they?
posted by AFABulous at 7:47 AM on July 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
I really don't think you'll have a problem finding guys who do not want anal play. Just communicate that clearly. I think you'll have the best luck with other beginner bi guys. The scene can be viciously shallow, but there are definitely guys into pudgier, "older" men (sorry, but anyone over 35 is an "older" man in the gay scene). But do you consider pudgier men to be "beautiful"? If not, why should they?
posted by AFABulous at 7:47 AM on July 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by sixfootaxolotl at 3:50 PM on July 23, 2017