Raising prosocial kids: apology addition
July 21, 2017 8:42 PM Subscribe
I am raising a boy, and I am on a quest for ideas to help him become a good apologizer as he grows up. Details inside...
I don't want him to resent the process, or feel like he must be humiliated/weak to apologize and therefore resist it. I want to offer my son as much as I can to help him have success in this area. I want to teach empathy and apology as a logical consequence of empathy.
What are your thoughts about how to promote effective apology in a child? What are the worst things to do for this end goal? How can I help my son avoid the sexist stuff out there that says apology puts you in a one down position etc? I have seen many stories of men who won't admit fault, who resist offering apology, and I am hoping there is something in the socialization and parenting process that I can address to reduce the chance that my son will become like that.
Assume that my child isn't likely to see consistent modeling of both genders apologizing to each other, as much as I wish he would see that. My spouse was raised with forced apologies and "that wasn't good enough; do it properly" messages which has sort of ruined any contrition process and turned it all into a power struggle.
I want to help my son be able to feel contrition and act on it appropriately. Please help me make that happen.
I don't want him to resent the process, or feel like he must be humiliated/weak to apologize and therefore resist it. I want to offer my son as much as I can to help him have success in this area. I want to teach empathy and apology as a logical consequence of empathy.
What are your thoughts about how to promote effective apology in a child? What are the worst things to do for this end goal? How can I help my son avoid the sexist stuff out there that says apology puts you in a one down position etc? I have seen many stories of men who won't admit fault, who resist offering apology, and I am hoping there is something in the socialization and parenting process that I can address to reduce the chance that my son will become like that.
Assume that my child isn't likely to see consistent modeling of both genders apologizing to each other, as much as I wish he would see that. My spouse was raised with forced apologies and "that wasn't good enough; do it properly" messages which has sort of ruined any contrition process and turned it all into a power struggle.
I want to help my son be able to feel contrition and act on it appropriately. Please help me make that happen.
For me, learning to apologize and being comfortable with it has been about learning how apologizing well can heal a relationship and ease someone's pain. Most people who want an apology, it seems, are looking for someone to say they care about them and prioritize their feelings. What is the message it sends when you refuse to apologize? That you're insecure, that you're defensive, that you're afraid - it's the total opposite of showing power.
I could describe it as apologizing from a place of integrity. You know yourself and your actions, you know what you did was hurtful to someone else, and you intend to do better in the future.
posted by Lady Li at 9:58 PM on July 21, 2017 [18 favorites]
I could describe it as apologizing from a place of integrity. You know yourself and your actions, you know what you did was hurtful to someone else, and you intend to do better in the future.
posted by Lady Li at 9:58 PM on July 21, 2017 [18 favorites]
I agree with Lady Li's observation. I think sincere, meaningful apologies come from a broader sense that it's important to always own up to your responsibilities -- whether you've done well and whether you've erred in some way. This has become clearer to me in the past few years as I've worked with someone who positively never, ever, ever, ever, ever will own any mistake or error. No matter if it's major or minor, no matter if she's inconvenienced someone else or not, no matter if she costs the company money or makes someone else look bad -- in five years, I've never heard her utter the words "sorry" or "my mistake" or "I apologize" once. And the entire department has observed it repeatedly, and all of us (with the exception of our boss, who gives her a pass every time for reasons none of us can understand) consider it a pretty fundamental character flaw.
Which is a kind of roundabout way of saying that I think by cultivating integrity and trustworthiness in your son, along with empathy, that you'll be guiding him in building the kind of personal character so that he can see apologizing not as a matter of humiliation, but as a matter of honor.
posted by the return of the thin white sock at 11:04 PM on July 21, 2017 [4 favorites]
Which is a kind of roundabout way of saying that I think by cultivating integrity and trustworthiness in your son, along with empathy, that you'll be guiding him in building the kind of personal character so that he can see apologizing not as a matter of humiliation, but as a matter of honor.
posted by the return of the thin white sock at 11:04 PM on July 21, 2017 [4 favorites]
Move to Canada! (I'm here all week, try the veal, etc.)
Seriously, though, I think it's a fine line: If he feels you're being overbearing, he'll end up resenting the apology process. And while you may have good reason for gendering your ideas about apologizing, it would likely be a mistake to pass those on to your son.
I agree with you that a lot of people are raised to be defensive rather than forthright when they do wrong--I know I was, a flaw I somehow outgrew in my 20s, praise jebus--and that adults would be well served if they didn't have that problem.
I think one thing you can do is to avoid monumentalizing the apology process. If it's "normal" (you'll have to model this yourself, I think), maybe it won't feel so onerous to your son.
You end with your desire that he "be able to feel contrition." That's an even trickier thing--there's not a lot you can do intentionally to program specific feelings into your child, imo.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 11:05 PM on July 21, 2017 [3 favorites]
Seriously, though, I think it's a fine line: If he feels you're being overbearing, he'll end up resenting the apology process. And while you may have good reason for gendering your ideas about apologizing, it would likely be a mistake to pass those on to your son.
I agree with you that a lot of people are raised to be defensive rather than forthright when they do wrong--I know I was, a flaw I somehow outgrew in my 20s, praise jebus--and that adults would be well served if they didn't have that problem.
I think one thing you can do is to avoid monumentalizing the apology process. If it's "normal" (you'll have to model this yourself, I think), maybe it won't feel so onerous to your son.
You end with your desire that he "be able to feel contrition." That's an even trickier thing--there's not a lot you can do intentionally to program specific feelings into your child, imo.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 11:05 PM on July 21, 2017 [3 favorites]
Best answer: As a prerequisite to feeling anything in particular, I think an important part of at least some kinds of effective expression of remorse and contrition is being able to think about and articulate one's own motives and feelings and reasoning, how you're reacting to other people, and how they're reacting to you. I want to use the word "metacognition" for this but that term seems to have a precise technical meaning.
Basically, it often seems to help alleviate tension to be able to say "I was thinking U, which is why I said V, which probably made you feel W and I'm sorry for making you feel that way. I want X and you want Y and maybe we can do Z and each get some or all of what we want." Even if there's suspicion or distrust, simply laying it all out explicitly allows people to center themselves and feel more sure-footed in how to proceed in an interaction. It can make relating to one's interlocutor feel more feasible if you can both get on the same page.
I would also think that merely preparing oneself for the attempt to articulate the situation this way can lead to empathy, in the process of coming up with words to describe how the other person is feeling and thinking.
Also, if it's actually you who is being unreasonable, it may help to realize this if you put together a description of what you're thinking and why you're thinking it and it comes out sounding kind of crazy. And then you're able to make a more sincere apology and maybe laugh at yourself a little bit with the person who you wronged or made to feel threatened, if you caught yourself before going too far.
So as a practical approach, maybe start off by pausing in the course of reading a story or watching a movie and prompt your child to describe what each person in a scene is feeling and thinking and why they're feeling and thinking those things?
Another thought is: maybe a good step towards the sorts of goals you're focused on would be to very explicitly point out things your child doesn't need to apologize for, and make sure they genuinely feel unashamed and ready to defy attempts at manipulative criticism and stand up for themselves when they're right. If I'm familiar with the same sort of power struggle you mention, I think the capacity for those things would be very important.
posted by XMLicious at 11:21 PM on July 21, 2017 [4 favorites]
Basically, it often seems to help alleviate tension to be able to say "I was thinking U, which is why I said V, which probably made you feel W and I'm sorry for making you feel that way. I want X and you want Y and maybe we can do Z and each get some or all of what we want." Even if there's suspicion or distrust, simply laying it all out explicitly allows people to center themselves and feel more sure-footed in how to proceed in an interaction. It can make relating to one's interlocutor feel more feasible if you can both get on the same page.
I would also think that merely preparing oneself for the attempt to articulate the situation this way can lead to empathy, in the process of coming up with words to describe how the other person is feeling and thinking.
Also, if it's actually you who is being unreasonable, it may help to realize this if you put together a description of what you're thinking and why you're thinking it and it comes out sounding kind of crazy. And then you're able to make a more sincere apology and maybe laugh at yourself a little bit with the person who you wronged or made to feel threatened, if you caught yourself before going too far.
So as a practical approach, maybe start off by pausing in the course of reading a story or watching a movie and prompt your child to describe what each person in a scene is feeling and thinking and why they're feeling and thinking those things?
Another thought is: maybe a good step towards the sorts of goals you're focused on would be to very explicitly point out things your child doesn't need to apologize for, and make sure they genuinely feel unashamed and ready to defy attempts at manipulative criticism and stand up for themselves when they're right. If I'm familiar with the same sort of power struggle you mention, I think the capacity for those things would be very important.
posted by XMLicious at 11:21 PM on July 21, 2017 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Just recently, I read Harriet Lerner's book, "Why Won't You Apologize?" and I thought it provided excellent insight -- far more than I expected -- on what causes people trouble with apologizing, with learning how to apologize, and with getting the apologies they want and/or feel they need. While there's no "how to" for children, there are some discussions of gender constructs and mindsets, and I was really struck by how much I learned about communication styles and how they can help or hinder the entire experience. It's an easy read by a respected psychologist and well-known author.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 11:57 PM on July 21, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 11:57 PM on July 21, 2017 [5 favorites]
There's no other way than to show him how it's done. Don't "promote" the theory, live it out in practice. Apologize when there's need to apologize, in the fashion you think your son later needs to be able to apologize. Explain what you're doing only if asked. Kids pick up good behavior just as easily as any other behavior.
posted by Namlit at 12:43 AM on July 22, 2017 [11 favorites]
posted by Namlit at 12:43 AM on July 22, 2017 [11 favorites]
Best answer: I think the foundation for this is a broader support for emotions. Letting them happen, verbalizing and sportscasting, validating and talking about other people's feelings as well. And apologizing to the child when warranted. There's a lot to do to counter social pressures of limiting emotions and their expressions for boys.
posted by meijusa at 12:48 AM on July 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by meijusa at 12:48 AM on July 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
I agree with Namlit. Set a good example. Apologise to him if it's appropriate.
posted by Segundus at 1:10 AM on July 22, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by Segundus at 1:10 AM on July 22, 2017 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Thirding Namlit - learning by example seems useful. I vividly remember the one time (yup, one time) my father apologised to me as a child. He wasn't big on admitting he'd done something wrong. I decided not to be like that with my kids. I obviously don't always get it right, but I do (often) apologise. And when they need to apologise, a thing that works with us is a prompt or question rather than a demand: "I think you might owe mum an apology for..." (needs to be specific on what the apology is about - recognising the act/omission/etc.) or "Do you need to apologise for that?".
posted by IncognitoErgoSum at 1:53 AM on July 22, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by IncognitoErgoSum at 1:53 AM on July 22, 2017 [4 favorites]
Maybe should add in the context of the question - I'm male and I have three boys all in their teens now. Apologising shouldn't be a gendered thing.
posted by IncognitoErgoSum at 1:56 AM on July 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by IncognitoErgoSum at 1:56 AM on July 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
Treat him with respect at all times and he'll get the idea. I didn't as a parent and wouldn't recommend focusing on apologising as a specific thing.
posted by mewsic at 1:59 AM on July 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by mewsic at 1:59 AM on July 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
I really liked this article: A Better Way To Say Sorry. I'm not a parent but when I shared this article on facebook, a number of parents of my acquaintance responded positively to it.
posted by Cheese Monster at 2:11 AM on July 22, 2017 [7 favorites]
posted by Cheese Monster at 2:11 AM on July 22, 2017 [7 favorites]
Teach (and use!) the Four Part Apology (I am sorry for X. It was wrong because Y. Next time I will Z. Can you forgive me?). It's used by a lot of teachers in the classroom, and it's powerful. You have to walk kids through it at first but eventually they get it.
One thing it avoids is justifying the action ... It's entirely about identifying what you did that hurt someone else and what you can do differently next time. There's no place in the model for "Okay I hurt your feelings but I had a really good REASON." People usually do have a good reason! But apologies often turn into nonpologies on the shoals of self justification so just don't make room for that.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 2:50 AM on July 22, 2017 [9 favorites]
One thing it avoids is justifying the action ... It's entirely about identifying what you did that hurt someone else and what you can do differently next time. There's no place in the model for "Okay I hurt your feelings but I had a really good REASON." People usually do have a good reason! But apologies often turn into nonpologies on the shoals of self justification so just don't make room for that.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 2:50 AM on July 22, 2017 [9 favorites]
Forget about gender and as you raise him some of the most important things you can do are:
1. Model appropriate apologies. Don't overdo it; just be a model of saying you're sorry when you make mistakes.
2. As he's growing, a wonderful parenting strategy when kids are having difficult/about to tantrum moments is to not back them into corners and to give them choices. This way, he'll learn that rarely in life do we have to do this ONE THING right now which may not be a really good idea, and one that we will apologize for later.
For example, instead of saying he has to go to bed in 10 minutes (which may lead to a conflict), tell him it's bedtime in 10 minutes and does he want to read a book on his own or together.
3. When he does something that requires an apology (he took your nail polish and painted the dog), don't force him to say he's sorry. Instead tell him in a factual way why what he did wasn't okay and you would like to know he's thought about it and sees where he made a mistake. But don't force him to say he's sorry--all that's going to do is teach him those words are meaningless and we say them to get people off our backs.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 5:52 AM on July 22, 2017 [3 favorites]
1. Model appropriate apologies. Don't overdo it; just be a model of saying you're sorry when you make mistakes.
2. As he's growing, a wonderful parenting strategy when kids are having difficult/about to tantrum moments is to not back them into corners and to give them choices. This way, he'll learn that rarely in life do we have to do this ONE THING right now which may not be a really good idea, and one that we will apologize for later.
For example, instead of saying he has to go to bed in 10 minutes (which may lead to a conflict), tell him it's bedtime in 10 minutes and does he want to read a book on his own or together.
3. When he does something that requires an apology (he took your nail polish and painted the dog), don't force him to say he's sorry. Instead tell him in a factual way why what he did wasn't okay and you would like to know he's thought about it and sees where he made a mistake. But don't force him to say he's sorry--all that's going to do is teach him those words are meaningless and we say them to get people off our backs.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 5:52 AM on July 22, 2017 [3 favorites]
Even better, you can model why we make mistakes and how to avoid them. In general, we screw up because of either impulsivity or miscommunication. Teach him to be thoughtful in his decisions and to take time before doing something. For mistakes related to miscommunication, teach him it's far better to ask clarifying questions when he's unsure about something instead of jumping in and doing something wrong.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 6:25 AM on July 22, 2017
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 6:25 AM on July 22, 2017
I like a lot of the ideas here but I also note that your spouse's response to apologies is probably related to his entire experience of growing up and not just because apologies were demanded...it sounds like he had a pretty stern/autocratic parent and that's probably why feelings of shame are so overwhelming for him.
The best book I know about developing a full parenting philosophy of respect and dignity is Barbara Coloroso's Kids Are Worth It! and her book on bullying is also worth a read. From that lens, helping a child grow from the selfish little creatures we all are at the start to a thoughtful human being is not really "slice and dice" behaviours like how do we get a kid to apologize well, not steal, not chew with his mouth full, etc., although those are all points of discussion.
It's more about raising connected and ethical human beings. From that lens, treat your child with respect and dignity, provide firm but flexible and consistently ethical and caring rules around the house, and be explicit about what you are doing "You saw I apologized to daddy...I was so cranky this morning but I should not have yelled about the dog."
Also take the time to demand accountability from your child in a warm, connected way, that's age-appropriate. An example would be: kid breaks neighbour's window. Rather than marching kid over to apologize, first you sit down and say "I know we've discussed not playing baseball near the window. Still, you must be shocked that happened. And our neighbours have a broken window! Let's come up with a plan for that." Then you LET the child brainstorm ALL KINDS of crazy solutions, from moving to another street to winning the lottery and sharing the earnings. Then you whittle it down to something like the child using allowance money to pay for (or help pay for) repairs, and writing a note, or whatever it is. This last bit is in the book in some form and she gives a whole bunch of examples for how to facilitate that and it's really, really helpful.
My oldest is 11 so he has lots of time to prove me wrong but my husband and I have tried (often failing) to set up a parenting philosophy in line with Kids Are Worth It and some other books where we create the warm and caring environment, that also demands accountability from everyone in the family, and so far so good, for their ages my kids are pretty good about things with others. Last month my 11 year old was dancing on stage after a party with a group of kids and accidentally knocked a small child into the rail. On his own he took that child (who was crying) to find his parents and apologized to the child and the parents, and then went and got him one of the treats from the dessert table. He still has time to turn into a miscreant but I was pretty proud! I share this to show that it's not really about the apology, it's about an overall sense of responsibility that is much broader.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:58 AM on July 22, 2017 [13 favorites]
The best book I know about developing a full parenting philosophy of respect and dignity is Barbara Coloroso's Kids Are Worth It! and her book on bullying is also worth a read. From that lens, helping a child grow from the selfish little creatures we all are at the start to a thoughtful human being is not really "slice and dice" behaviours like how do we get a kid to apologize well, not steal, not chew with his mouth full, etc., although those are all points of discussion.
It's more about raising connected and ethical human beings. From that lens, treat your child with respect and dignity, provide firm but flexible and consistently ethical and caring rules around the house, and be explicit about what you are doing "You saw I apologized to daddy...I was so cranky this morning but I should not have yelled about the dog."
Also take the time to demand accountability from your child in a warm, connected way, that's age-appropriate. An example would be: kid breaks neighbour's window. Rather than marching kid over to apologize, first you sit down and say "I know we've discussed not playing baseball near the window. Still, you must be shocked that happened. And our neighbours have a broken window! Let's come up with a plan for that." Then you LET the child brainstorm ALL KINDS of crazy solutions, from moving to another street to winning the lottery and sharing the earnings. Then you whittle it down to something like the child using allowance money to pay for (or help pay for) repairs, and writing a note, or whatever it is. This last bit is in the book in some form and she gives a whole bunch of examples for how to facilitate that and it's really, really helpful.
My oldest is 11 so he has lots of time to prove me wrong but my husband and I have tried (often failing) to set up a parenting philosophy in line with Kids Are Worth It and some other books where we create the warm and caring environment, that also demands accountability from everyone in the family, and so far so good, for their ages my kids are pretty good about things with others. Last month my 11 year old was dancing on stage after a party with a group of kids and accidentally knocked a small child into the rail. On his own he took that child (who was crying) to find his parents and apologized to the child and the parents, and then went and got him one of the treats from the dessert table. He still has time to turn into a miscreant but I was pretty proud! I share this to show that it's not really about the apology, it's about an overall sense of responsibility that is much broader.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:58 AM on July 22, 2017 [13 favorites]
Please, please don't do the thing I see so many parents and teachers doing, which is to demand that a misbehaving kid apologize on the spot to the person they've attacked.
Invariably what this leads to is a perfunctory, entirely insincere and irrelevant "sorry!" which puts the onus on the person who got attacked to accept the "apology", adding insult to injury.
Focus less on apology and more on preventative empathy. If your kid does hurt someone, let them take the time to reflect on it - away from the victim - and don't force false apologies when they're not meant. They solve nothing.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:30 AM on July 22, 2017
Invariably what this leads to is a perfunctory, entirely insincere and irrelevant "sorry!" which puts the onus on the person who got attacked to accept the "apology", adding insult to injury.
Focus less on apology and more on preventative empathy. If your kid does hurt someone, let them take the time to reflect on it - away from the victim - and don't force false apologies when they're not meant. They solve nothing.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:30 AM on July 22, 2017
You may find it useful to read up on the development of Theory of Mind. This is basically the idea that other people have their own thoughts, ideas, emotions and motivations that are distinct from one's own. Understanding that is key to empathy, I would think.
posted by JenMarie at 8:05 AM on July 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by JenMarie at 8:05 AM on July 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
My son is only 2.5, so I am still fully in the active experimentation phase of this, but in case this is helpful to anyone else: one thing my son seems to have trouble with is the performance anxiety aspect of apologizing. I can SEE he is ashamed and upset when he's accidentally hurt someone, especially if it was due to thoughtlessly breaking a rule (kid loooves rules -- he is the cautious type who likes to know how things are supposed to go), but actually having to say "I'm sorry" was a huge sticking point for him - he wanted to go and have a private cry, not acknowledge the mistake in any way. My partner and I have been modelling lots of apologies of varying levels of elaborateness, both to him and to each other. When my son clearly needs to apologize, one of us will often validate his feelings to him ("You feel bad that mommy's hurt, don't you? You forgot that we don't climb on people's bellies") and then apologize on his behalf, "_son'sname_ is so sorry he hurt you! It was an accident and next time he will remember that bellies are too soft to climb on" Once everyone has calmed down, we remind him that saying the word "sorry" shows the person that you feel sad, and it is important to say it because then they know you didn't mean to hurt them. Finally, we have also tried to really normalize making mistakes and being wrong - we point out our own mistakes frequently and cheerfully ("oops! I forgot the 'no shoes in the house' rule! I will take my shoes off right now and sweep up this sand!"), and whenever one of us is wrong about a factual thing, we call it out in a very neutral, no-big-deal way: "Oh hey, beans DO grow on vines! Daddy was right and I was wrong!" I think maaaaybe this has been improving things, because just this past few weeks he has been coming out with the occasional casual "sorry!" in low-stakes situations, and he seems a bit less angst-ridden in general about messing up. Next step will be the "fixing it" phase of the apology - we have been tackling this one battle at a time!
posted by TheLittlestRobot at 11:31 AM on July 22, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by TheLittlestRobot at 11:31 AM on July 22, 2017 [3 favorites]
How old is your son currently? We use the Daniel Tiger jingle here: Saying sorry is the first step, then how can I help? Our kid is quick to bark out a perfunctory "Sorry!" but Daniel Tiger reminds him that just saying sorry isn't enough if you don't also express empathy towards the person who you hurt. "How can I help?" is sometimes fairly straightforward (pick up the thing you kicked, fix the thing you broke, give back the thing you took) but a lot of the time requires a discussion of helping someone emotionally, or just trying extra hard to not do the thing again and expressing that commitment.
posted by soren_lorensen at 11:33 AM on July 22, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by soren_lorensen at 11:33 AM on July 22, 2017 [5 favorites]
What helped for me (I'm a man) was descriptive and formulaic explanations of apologizing.
By descriptive, I mean, not trying to derive apologizing from norms of integrity or respect but predicting without getting into the etiology how people respond to your behaviors. It was a very transactional explanation of apology: regardless of whether I feel truly remorseful in the moment (often that only comes later), I still recognize that I want to keep open the option of a good relationship with this person in the future, and an effective technique for achieving that would be to apologize.
A key insight was that a lot of arguments start off small, but spiral out of control as people take turns egging each other on just a little bit more, and eventually end at a level that nobody would have wanted at the beginning. Apologizing early avoids that spiral. People are expected to back off when I apologize. That doesn't mean they really forgive me in their heart of hearts. They may well go find a friend and describe in detail how terrible I am. But it at least ends our interaction, and limits the damage to what has already been done.
By formulaic, I mean, giving specific formulae, mad-libs style. A few people have done that here. I found this helpful because I often need to apologize at moments when I'm not feeling particularly apologetic and probably not thinking very clearly. The template reduces how much original thought I need to do at that moment.
A minor quibble with Eyebrows McGee's template: I like to hear what people were thinking, and (crucially) what they now consider to be incorrect about that. It gives me more confidence that they'll avoid not just the specific thing they promised to stop doing, but also variations on the theme.
On the theme of not thinking particularly clearly in the moment, this probably all needs to be taught not while your son is in the act of offending or apologizing to someone. He won't be calm enough to learn what you're trying to teach at that moment.
posted by d. z. wang at 12:24 PM on July 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
By descriptive, I mean, not trying to derive apologizing from norms of integrity or respect but predicting without getting into the etiology how people respond to your behaviors. It was a very transactional explanation of apology: regardless of whether I feel truly remorseful in the moment (often that only comes later), I still recognize that I want to keep open the option of a good relationship with this person in the future, and an effective technique for achieving that would be to apologize.
A key insight was that a lot of arguments start off small, but spiral out of control as people take turns egging each other on just a little bit more, and eventually end at a level that nobody would have wanted at the beginning. Apologizing early avoids that spiral. People are expected to back off when I apologize. That doesn't mean they really forgive me in their heart of hearts. They may well go find a friend and describe in detail how terrible I am. But it at least ends our interaction, and limits the damage to what has already been done.
By formulaic, I mean, giving specific formulae, mad-libs style. A few people have done that here. I found this helpful because I often need to apologize at moments when I'm not feeling particularly apologetic and probably not thinking very clearly. The template reduces how much original thought I need to do at that moment.
A minor quibble with Eyebrows McGee's template: I like to hear what people were thinking, and (crucially) what they now consider to be incorrect about that. It gives me more confidence that they'll avoid not just the specific thing they promised to stop doing, but also variations on the theme.
On the theme of not thinking particularly clearly in the moment, this probably all needs to be taught not while your son is in the act of offending or apologizing to someone. He won't be calm enough to learn what you're trying to teach at that moment.
posted by d. z. wang at 12:24 PM on July 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
It's great that you're giving this some thought and I wanted to chime in with comment similar to the one brought up by WCityMike. I know someone whose parents brought him up to be kind, considerate, polite and all of that good stuff, and he truly does care about the feelings of those around him. But he apologizes for every tiny infraction, like being two minutes late or five minutes early. He apologizes for things that aren't a big deal at all and are not even his fault or within his control. All of the apologies, while absolutely coming from a place of caring, can become tiresome very quickly. And I don't think he realizes this, but sometimes when you over-apologize it's not about the apologizer making amends, but rather the apologizer is looking for reassurance from the apologizee, so again, this is kind of exhausting to deal with sometimes.
posted by kitty teeth at 4:19 PM on July 22, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by kitty teeth at 4:19 PM on July 22, 2017 [4 favorites]
Best answer: One thing I've noticed is that people who are good at giving sincere apologies are the ones that have a lot of self-confidence. For them, make a mistake is a problem to be fixed. For people who are insecure, messing up makes them feel like they are a bad person and apologizing means admitting what a screw-up they are.
So work on helping your child take mistakes in stride. Not just the ones that need apologies but all mistakes. And the advice above that focuses on warm, empathetic response on your side will help the kiddo get the message that he is a good, lovable person who made a mistake, not a bad person. Kids tend toward black and white thinking - I did a bad thing so I am a bad person - so this is something that you will need to actively teach and/or model for them.
posted by metahawk at 8:08 PM on July 22, 2017 [4 favorites]
So work on helping your child take mistakes in stride. Not just the ones that need apologies but all mistakes. And the advice above that focuses on warm, empathetic response on your side will help the kiddo get the message that he is a good, lovable person who made a mistake, not a bad person. Kids tend toward black and white thinking - I did a bad thing so I am a bad person - so this is something that you will need to actively teach and/or model for them.
posted by metahawk at 8:08 PM on July 22, 2017 [4 favorites]
Learning to offer an apology for a minor offense as a polite social reflex involving no deep feelings is an immensely valuable thing. the type of person that I think of as being the absolute worst at apologies is the type who will not ever say it unless they feel it enough for their own liking. I like your ambition of teaching really solid empathy skills but I don't think the two issues need to be so directly connected.
& the best way to teach apologies without shame is for you and any other parental figures to offer them, unforced -- showing the kid that saying sorry when you make a mistake in no way destabilizes the power dynamic or detracts from your authority. Mom, you forgot to sign my permission slip! Oh, sorry, I'll do that right now. low-key, like that. but to avoid any gender problems, your spouse has to do it too. if he's male, you can't have your kid growing up with a mom who always apologizes without fuss when she's wrong, and a dad who never does.
posted by queenofbithynia at 9:12 PM on July 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
& the best way to teach apologies without shame is for you and any other parental figures to offer them, unforced -- showing the kid that saying sorry when you make a mistake in no way destabilizes the power dynamic or detracts from your authority. Mom, you forgot to sign my permission slip! Oh, sorry, I'll do that right now. low-key, like that. but to avoid any gender problems, your spouse has to do it too. if he's male, you can't have your kid growing up with a mom who always apologizes without fuss when she's wrong, and a dad who never does.
posted by queenofbithynia at 9:12 PM on July 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
kitty teeth's answer reminded me of don't say sorry when you mean thank you. After your son has a solid grip on apologies, that might be level 2.
posted by Edna Million at 9:45 PM on July 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by Edna Million at 9:45 PM on July 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by John Cohen at 9:34 PM on July 21, 2017 [11 favorites]