My love language is quality time - his may not be/not a planner. Help!
July 20, 2017 11:05 PM   Subscribe

Boyfriend and I have been together for just under a year and lately a difference in love languages is becoming a bone of contention. I want to resolve this going forward.

Usually I see my boyfriend 2-3 times a week. It is usually given that we see each other once during the week and during the weekend, even for some of the time or the whole weekend.

However I come from a family of planners, meaning I make advance plans and usually enjoy doing so. But, sometimes, I like my partner to take the reigns with planning and told him this from the beginning. While I still do most planning he occasionally makes suggestions or plans something, which he never did before me. But I have made all plans for the last few weeks.

At the moment my boyfriend is in a very stressful job and leaves at 6am. Usually he asks me when I want to meet the following week and wants to make a plan - I am far too dead to the world to make plans at this point. But recently this has simply become 'so, i'll see ya next week' - by the time he actually made a plan with me during the week, my diary was filled up and we literally had just a few hours to spend together.

On top of this he has gone on a trip the whole weekend, not taking me with him. He is travelling to a last minute family event, which I was not invited to and felt a little hurt by (he says he did not think to invite me, 'but of course you are always invited wherever I go!!'). This morning when he said 'goodbye' with no mention of plans for the following week, I asked to see him on Monday, when he returns as he has the day off work. He said he would be 'really busy' catching up on domestic things and could see me Tues or Wed instead. Even if he is busy, I would just like to be in the same house as him, reading or something. I told him this and he was non-committal, so now he has gone to work with both of us grumpy.

I really love my boyfriend and think he's a wonderful person. We enjoy our time together, but I feel as though I want to spend more time together, miss him more when apart and feel hurt at the prospect that he doesn't share these feelings. Am I being needy? How can we sort this out?
posted by Kat_Dubs to Human Relations (34 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
 
my gentle hot take (warm take?): you're being needy.

he's gone from "never" doing the planning (before you) to occasionally planning, which is something you've told him you wanted him to do, though recently you've been covering the bulk of planning (which is your general inclination anyway). still, that's some sort of progress, right? 2~3 times a week, often including weekends, is pretty committed and normal for a year relationship, I feel.

on top of this, he has a "stressful" job and has to leave the house at an ungodly hour when even YOU, planner of planners, cannot plan, because it's hella early. (isn't he basically dead to the world then, too? but manages to hold it together because it's his paycheck?)

then before the upcoming family trip thingie, which you are still invited to (even if not formally or whatever), you ask to see him on his day off Monday, but he explains his need to catch up on house things, and offers to see you the next day? I mean, it's the next day... he still wants to see you very soon (like maybe even in less than 24 hours)...

I suppose I'm just imagining myself in his position. I am a slowww waker. I used to have a long work commute and even though the job wasn't bad, my apartment would become disgusting and STAY disgusting until I had at least 2 days to recuperate (so I'd only clean during national 3-day weekend holidays). and then if work was actually stressful? pfffft. also, I hate subjecting friends/lovers to the weirdness that is my family (unless they basically PROTESTED in order to attend a function with me, in which case, I'd still feel awkward and on edge, and I'd still be apologetic later).

in addition -- I don't know if this is simply an introvert thing, but -- I live basically on top of my partner + cat in a studio apartment where our bed takes up half the space. he and I (both introverts) work different shifts, so we have some time to ourselves. but on weekends and late nights we get NOTHING done around the house (/room) because no matter what we both ~mega-feel~ each other's presence, and *want* to spend time with each other (watching the same show, reading right alongside each other, clearing out the kitchen cabinets, etc.), and literally it's gotten to the point where I volunteer leave for a few hours to a café just so he can sweep the floor, browse the net, dink around some musical instruments, or fold laundry without feeling guilty that he's not spending more time with me. (his job is more stressful than mine at the mo'.)

I can totally imagine that your boyfriend loves you, and wants to spend time with you, but in between work junk and everything else, seriously needs a day off just to DO THE THINGS, the boring/obligatory things, and he's basically putting up [reasonable?] boundaries for himself WHILE STILL working with you on your desire to plan. is this accurate? do you basically feel seen, heard, appreciated, and that you can work each other into your lives? if, like, workaholic tendencies or perhaps a refusal to integrate you into his family sounded like they were more of THE problem, it might be different, but... as it is... seems kinda normal.

I also hear you somewhat on planning instincts: I'm an anxious person who gets off on planning things to death, but then I get stressed out by the disparity between my plans and my actual (lack of) actions, and then cool off hardcore planning for a while; the cycle usually starts back up when anxiety kicks in again. my live-in partner rolls with it by (I think semi- or sub-consciously) showing how he still gets things done without the extremely detailed planning process that I usually go through. sometimes he's right about it being ok to not have every half-hour block scheduled; sometimes I'm right about understanding when we need things done. I love him because he's chill and (more than) capable, he loves me because I'm detail-oriented and attentive. or, that's part of it, at least. :-)
posted by cluebucket at 11:44 PM on July 20, 2017 [18 favorites]


Response by poster: just to clarify as I should have included this: I have not met his family previously. This is because almost all of them live far away, but past bfs (I know he is a different person) have taken me to meet them sooner than this. It is something that - oh dear - would have to be planned for! I cannot accompany him as he leaves today and there was no notice/I could not get a day off work.

I accept that I am feeling more anxious and stressed than usual lately, which makes me more needy. But sometimes boyfriend is happy to spend many days apart, while I miss him in the interim. So how do I stay calm/stop myself from feeling hurt during moments when it is clear that he wants to make plans further apart than I would like?
posted by Kat_Dubs at 12:08 AM on July 21, 2017


Would it help to have a standing weekly date? Not necessarily a "date" date, but just a permanent together time blocked out each week. That way regardless of what else is going on, you know it's there. It would also alleviate some of the "planning" since it sounds like you're both tired/busy.

When plans are too far apart for your taste make interim plans with someone else.

My mom's a hoarder and my family's kinda...quirky and when I've been dating at a distance from them I'm not in any huge rush either. It's just a total PIA navigating who we stay with, not staying with my mom, letting someone see inside my mom's house, etc... Ugh. My husband's Australian and he didn't meet anyone until we were engaged. Don't fret.
posted by jrobin276 at 12:25 AM on July 21, 2017 [15 favorites]


Yes, just block time together at an interval that is acceptable to both of you. If one of you wants to spend that timeslot apart it requires active negotiation.

I have a busy job and at times work really long hrs/go on short notice trips and my family lives in another country. And if you're working in a somewhat intense environment you have one thing after the other and it can be never ending. Before you know it it's 3pm and your morning coffee still sits there untouched and you've not had any lunch either, nor answered any texts, returned any calls or even read emails. So perceived lack of attention to you may not have anything to do with his feelings for you. It may be that he doesn't have time to go the bathroom let alone miss you.

Also nthing the he may genuinely have just that one day to sort all his life stuff out over the next weeks. For me this simply doesn't happen after work. As example I am departing on a week long vacation on a Sunday afternoon because if I leave Fri after work or Sat am none of my life stuff will get done and I would come back to chaos and am going straight back to work on my return. Clearly he may be a lot less busy but just to give you insights of what life can turn into when you are very time poor.

Having a set in stone block of time every few days to focus on a partner would be the only way to go for me if you're not living together. It also allows for better plans because you have already taken some of the decision making out of the situation.
posted by koahiatamadl at 1:03 AM on July 21, 2017 [3 favorites]


If you asked him to plan and he tried to plan before leaving for work and you weren't responsive because the timing was wrong for you at 6am then I think you need to own your role in the lack of planning too. I get that it doesn't come naturally to you at 6am but it doesn't come naturally to him at all and he did try for a bit at least.

I would try to set up a regular time to see him as it seems like neither of you are doing well with ad hoc planning.

Did you tell him you were hurt that he didn't immediately think to take you to see his family? Not everyone cares if their family likes their partner. Half of my family are maniacs and I don't want them involved in my relationships or my life. It's not a reflection on how I feel about my husband that he has not met many of them, after 11 years together!
posted by intergalacticvelvet at 1:05 AM on July 21, 2017 [3 favorites]


Wow. I completely disagree about the comment with you being "needy". That is just dismissive and very patronizing. You have needs. And they are not unreasonable needs.

Look, I'm a super-planner. I have had boyfriends before who were either a) terrible at planning b) did not make me a priority and hence were terrible at planning/ any form of emotional labour. Does your boyfriend fall into category (a) or (b)? Really think about this. Either way, both (a) and (b) mean that you're not compatible.

My husband is also a planner. Let me tell you how refreshing it is to find someone on a similar wavelength. Our holidays are booked 6-9 months in advance, every year. Together, we have made life plans for the next 5 years. We track all our expenses and we can predict our cashflow (assuming nothing changes of course) for all eternity. We value each other's planning traits and need for certainty. I love coming home and have meals cooked by him without thinking about it, he loves that all our holidays are planned out in advance. These are not "bad" qualities and they are nothing to be ashamed of.

You mention your boyfriend has a stressful job. Perhaps he is temporarily a category (a) person, and once the stress disappears and you communicate your needs better, he's able to pick up the planning slack. But if this is just who he is, you need to decide whether you want to stick around with someone like this and what your own needs are. Personally, I won't deal. But you know your own situation best.
posted by moiraine at 1:21 AM on July 21, 2017 [10 favorites]


Hi. I'm just like you. My boyfriend an I actually broke up for a while because I was putting so much pressure on him to always hang out and he felt bad about letting me down (with a lot of work about a lot of things we're back together now). I can't recommend enoughthe "date night" system. Even if you're just able to schedule in a night or two a week where you know you'll be hanging out or sleeping over, it helps a lot. The other half of the date night system is letting your calendar fill up for those other times so you have other things to do and you're not just sitting by the phone waiting for him to call.

You need to give a little more. It sounds like he's having a really stressful time and is probably giving up more space than he likes right now. And trying to make plans at 6am before work sounds like a bad idea for both of you. Having a standing night or two a week will help take some of this out.
posted by raccoon409 at 4:20 AM on July 21, 2017 [2 favorites]


Usually he asks me when I want to meet the following week and wants to make a plan - I am far too dead to the world to make plans at this point. But recently this has simply become 'so, i'll see ya next week' - by the time he actually made a plan with me during the week, my diary was filled up and we literally had just a few hours to spend together.

It seems on both fronts here you are the limiter to making plans - one, because he engaged you to plan and you were too "dead to the world" to return engagement, and then two, because you left no room in your diary for him to actually fit in.

If a person wasn't willing to make a plan due to "dead to the world" and then didn't have time to fit me in, I'd take that as a very mixed message from "I want you to plan more" - it'd suggest, maybe, I'm not a planning priority for you.
posted by notorious medium at 5:04 AM on July 21, 2017 [16 favorites]


I don't think this is a planning problem. He plans his chores and tries to plan time with you. I think two standing dates would cover that off. Then I think it's that you want to feel like more of a top priority and that's a slightly different conversation.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:09 AM on July 21, 2017 [10 favorites]


On love languages --- have you read the part about how there are two parts to this? (1) The way you show love and (2) The way you like to receive love.

There are three main components to using these 2 sides:
(1) Does your BF make an effort to show love in the way you like to receive it? I would say yes from your description of his attempts to plan before he leaves for work. However, this wasn't quite right for you because of timing, which is OK. You can discuss again and ask him to try another way. I like the standing date idea personally.
(2) Does your BF show you love in his natural love language (touch, gifts, words of affirmation, acts of service) & do you recognize and receive those acts as an expression of his love? This helps me a lot. Gifts are my husband "show" love language and they honestly don't mean much to me...except that I know and cherish that he is trying to say "I love you."
(3) Do you show your BF love in his natural "receive" love language? This is not what your question is about and you have every right to be focused on your needs that aren't being met, but it is a 3rd component of love languages to think about.
posted by CMcG at 6:29 AM on July 21, 2017 [2 favorites]


"planning" is very undefined in the question, probably because you already know what you mean by it. but I don't and maybe he doesn't. to a lot of people in a defined and long-term relationship, it means you call up your boyfriend when you get home from work and say hey, do you want to come over now or are you too tired? instead just assuming he will. and super-mature advance planning means one of you asks that morning instead of in the evening.

I mean, you probably have discussed this all with him, but to me, the great benefit of being officially 'together' with someone is that it's understood that when you're not pre-committed to something else, you'll want to be with each other. so while you can still go on elaborate trips and out to dinner and shows and whatever, it's not like tentative early-stage dating where everything must be negotiated and set up in advance and...planned. if your primary issue is just that you don't see him enough, that's not exactly the same problem as him not being a planner -- if you didn't have a very official and fixed social calendar but were happy to see him on short notice whenever, would you still go days without seeing him?

because if the problem is your schedule fills up early and he doesn't schedule his life that way at all, that's annoying for both of you but not a fault of his; you can both compromise to fix it. if the problem is he doesn't arrange to see you more frequently because he doesn't especially want to, that's a bigger problem and is being masked by the "planning" thing. basically, is this (plus the "love language" idea) the way he explains himself and his personality, or the interpretation you came up with to explain him?
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:42 AM on July 21, 2017 [2 favorites]


According to what you've described, 6am Monday morning is not the ideal time for the two of you to attempt to make plans together.

If you want to make plans for the following week, maybe it would be better to have this conversation at noon on Sunday, when everyone is awake and not yet exhausted from their day and not mentally already into their next task.

Or maybe it would be better to have this conversation at 10am on Monday, again when everyone is awake.

Fwiw, in our relationship my hubby is the (uber) planner and I'm just not. For a long time he would try to ask me to make plans right as I was going to bed or right as I was rushing out the door for the day and I would blow him off, saying that I couldn't think about it at that moment. It was frustrating for both of us. Eventually I had to learn to plan enough to at least follow-up with him by calling him later in the day to finish the conversation (rather than what I did for a long time, which was stew over the frustration. I was immature, I admit).

Now we've figured out that we don't have to have all of these conversations in person, or even by speaking. We do the majority of our communicating during the work day; for quick "oh heyI just remembered. .." it's by text, for long-form ideas or planning purposes it's by email, often including links. These communications can be read according to the other person's schedule (since your bf is busy/stressed during the day). Only for urgent things do we actually call each other. All of that to say, perhaps a conversation with the bf about the most effective way to communicate with each other about making plans is in order.

Your post reads a little like you feel like you are being taken for granted, or that you do not feel like a priority in bf's life. That's a different conversation.
posted by vignettist at 7:19 AM on July 21, 2017 [5 favorites]


This does not sound like a planning problem; it sounds like a priority problem, in that he is not acting like you and your relationship together are a priority. Wanting to be more of a priority to him is not needy. It's what people who love and care about each other DO.

The question now becomes What Are You Going To Do About It?
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 7:36 AM on July 21, 2017 [2 favorites]


It sounds like he tries to plan, but it's not at a good time for you? Could this all be solved by setting up a time to talk about your schedules at some mutually agreed upon time, like after brunch on Sunday or something?

I do think it's unlikely that he'll ever become a planner extraordinaire. And just because you told him that this is what you need doesn't mean he can automatically deliver it or absolve you from being realistic about "okay, he's willing to work to learn this, but it's not his natural tendency, so I will probably need to [be patient with the learning process / accept a few slip-ups / keep my expectations moderate / keep an eye on this and be prepared for the possibility that it won't work]."

I have not met his family previously. This is because almost all of them live far away, but past bfs (I know he is a different person) have taken me to meet them sooner than this. It is something that - oh dear - would have to be planned for!

But c'mon now, that's just rude. I mean, I get that you're annoyed and venting away from him, but you already said that the plans came up at the last minute. So by your own admission, this wouldn't be a good time to meet them.

And, people have verrrrry different takes on when to have partners meet their family. Family issues in general (a partner's relationship with their family) are a place to cut your partner a LOT of slack. So if this snark reflects your general attitude, and if you're this far down the road in constructing a negative story about your partner and fitting new events into that story -- if you're already so out of patience and starting to make him into the bad guy -- this really may not be a good relationship for you.
posted by salvia at 8:15 AM on July 21, 2017 [2 favorites]


> But sometimes boyfriend is happy to spend many days apart, while I miss him in the interim. So how do I stay calm/stop myself from feeling hurt during moments when it is clear that he wants to make plans further apart than I would like?

Perhaps you could approach this part of the issue from a mindfulness perspective? What I mean is, instead of trying to avoid missing him or avoid feeling hurt, just accept those feelings as normal... you like being with him (yay!) and it's ok to sometimes be sad or otherwise uncomfortable when he's not around. And so when you feel that way, take a moment to acknowledge the feeling, accept it for what it is, and then move on to some other activity (whatever you need or want to do for yourself -- a hobby, a book, hanging out with other friends, cleaning, laundry, exercise, etc.).

It maybe sounds overly simplistic, but this has been a really useful tool for me in dealing with negative emotions recently. I hope it helps for you too.
posted by somanyamys at 8:52 AM on July 21, 2017 [2 favorites]


Coming from a difficult family, I can tell you it's much trickier for some of us when and how to introduce a new SO. It's a normal thing for a lot of people when they feel serious about a partner, by X time dating they will make sure they meet the family. But a difficult family (for whatever reason) makes some people tend to keep their dating life far far away from family. The fact that he needs a day to get it together again after visiting family might be an indication of this. (Or I could just be projecting.)
posted by Cranialtorque at 9:54 AM on July 21, 2017 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: I think I am not feeling like a priority/taken for granted. My boyfriend is, as I said, quite stressed. He broke down in tears in front of me a couple of weeks ago due to job stress. He is trying really hard to find a new job and I have been looking at applications etc with him.

Despite feeling a little neglected in terms of my own needs, I am not sure how to bring up feeling unimportant without making him feel worse? What specific examples can I give about not being made a priority/how to frame it?
posted by Kat_Dubs at 10:16 AM on July 21, 2017


It sounds like you want more plans, but his only time to make those plans is at a time that's not convenient for you. He's super stressed out right now. You can ask for more contact, and ask him to be more proactive, but that won't change his stress or his timing. You have every right to feel hurt that he's not meeting your needs, but he also has every right to take care of himself and meet his own needs. I think it's time to do some reflecting - if this was how things were a year from now, or two years from now, is that a dealbreaker? Do you just need to be with someone else who wants to spend as much time with you as you do with him?

Meanwhile, the best way to avoid sadness and hurt when he doesn't want to hang out as much as you is to make lots of plans and fill your life with lots of cool hobbies and interests. Meetups, book clubs, new hobbies, reaching out to old friends, etc. Staying busy is a great way to stay out of your head.
posted by violetish at 10:31 AM on July 21, 2017 [3 favorites]


Response by poster: Overall I want a partner that the relationship will develop with. I want to eventually move in together, potentially get married and I definitely want children at some point. I am not sure if my boyfriend wants these things with me someday and I think I am feeling insecure that he may not.

I am feeling vulnerable at the moment and am looking at his current stresses/being a low priority as an indication that he may not want those things with me. For the most part I absolutely love spending time with my boyfriend - and feel very uplifted when we do - but am struggling to just continue on as is without any indication to what the future might bring. And yet we have been together for just under a year so it doesn't seem like the time to raise it.
posted by Kat_Dubs at 10:54 AM on July 21, 2017


And this seems to be the real problem. You need to explain this to him because at the moment he can't do right for doing wrong - you will interpret every single normal stress/being overwhelmed reaction on his part as lack of interest until you address this with him.
posted by koahiatamadl at 11:10 AM on July 21, 2017 [3 favorites]


Response by poster: But how on earth do I broach this - do you or don't you want to marry me?! It seems too soon but I am not willing to continue investing my heart and emotions in a relationship where we are not on the same page.
posted by Kat_Dubs at 11:34 AM on July 21, 2017


Despite feeling a little neglected in terms of my own needs, I am not sure how to bring up feeling unimportant without making him feel worse? What specific examples can I give about not being made a priority/how to frame it?

It's possible that he doesn't want to burden you with his (very real) stress, or that he is used to/wants to unwind from this stuff alone. You might frame it in such a way: "well, hey, I know that I feel better when I'm around you because it reminds me that I'm important and that you've got my back! maybe hanging out more can help you in the same way with regards to your job stress!" (thinking about that Monday that he didn't want to hang out, for instance).

On update: wow, no! I don't think bringing up marriage right now is going to do any good at all.
posted by destructive cactus at 11:37 AM on July 21, 2017


Best answer: Can you look into attachment styles? I am a reform(ing) anxious attacher, myself, and a lot of what you wrote could have been me in the first year of my relationship. For some reason the anxiety really ramped up around the one year mark--I think that's when you get comfortable enough that some of that new-relationship anxiety fades, and secure attachers (like my boyfriend and maybe yours) aren't going as overboard with validation as they might have in the beginning, because hey! you're in a great relationship, what's the worry? Meanwhile anxious attachers like us are spiraling, especially as they get messages from the relationship escalator that it's time to move in! or get engaged! Add to that a situation like yours, where your boyfriend legitimately has no time and is freaking out over other life stuff, like finding a new job, and it's a perfect situation for you to feel neglected and for him to feel like he's failing you but not sure why.

I tried to bring up the very things you are suggesting in your updates to my partner when he was working 15 hour days and was not prioritizing me, and it did NOT go well, primarily because he felt that he was prioritizing our future/the relationship by working, and was frustrated that I didn't understand that 90 hours/week was a short-term situation and not the Way of the Future. I don't recommend going that route, really. What did work was for me to recognize that this was firmly a me-problem, and not an us-problem or a him-problem, and get myself to therapy to work on it. Having a neutral party to talk about my anxieties with and come up with self-soothing strategies was the only way I worked through it. Some of those self-soothing strategies are things already talked about in this thread; making weekly standing date plans, exercising to exhaustion to calm down anxiety-brain, making plans with other friends, etc. Because whether your boyfriend can articulate it or not, he can tell that you're unhappy and that you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself, him, and the relationship, and it just creates a vicious spiral.

Can you mentally tell yourself to just table this, and revisit in three months? I think time might sort some of this out, with a bit of effort on your part to reframe the way you're looking at this and to take the pressure off everyone involved. I'm not suggesting that you don't advocate for yourself, or that you let your needs and wants go unexpressed, but just...I think sometimes you have to take turns being the strong/supportive one when things aren't going great, and it sounds like he needs your support right now. You'll probably have a better chance of getting the outcome you want if you can bring up your desires for a future together when he isn't so stressed, and you aren't so unhappy.
posted by stellaluna at 12:32 PM on July 21, 2017 [3 favorites]


Best answer: Wow, okay, the guy is breaking down in tears due to work stress and working around the clock on applications, as well as some last-minute family thing that came up.

And here, this question has spiraled from not liking the way he plans, to not liking that he hasn't introduced you to his family, to wanting to resolve children and "do you or don't you want to marry me?! ...I am not willing to continue investing my heart and emotions in a relationship where we are not on the same page."

You are coming across to me as really anxious. I don't have enough evidence to know whether or not he's not making you a priority. As for "taking you for granted," I kind of think that by the one-year mark, it ought to be okay to relax a bit. Especially when the rest of your life is super-stressful.

From personal experience in your shoes, I can relate to this (someone else being really busy) setting off alarm bells. But if things are usually okay the rest of the time, then it's far better to relax and not to put your relationship in emergency mode, especially when they don't have the bandwidth to handle that. Let him go to the drycleaner or veg out in front of video games on Monday. Go for a run. Hang out with friends. At some point say "hey, you seem so busy and stressed with work and family stuff. I've been trying to work this out on my own, but my anxiety really ramps up when you're pre-occupied like that. I feel disconnected, and then my brain spirals out from there. Can we make time to reconnect, maybe have a special day together next weekend or the one after that?"

Back to the planning question. It seems really weird that the options are like, 6 am or nothing; and it seems really weird that if no plans get made, your calendar utterly fills up. Why not make Tuesdays and Thursdays and Sundays your days together or something? In other words, approach your need for planning and his lack of super-skillfulness at planning as a problem to solve, not as a "you're a bad planner" "I told him I needed him to do more planning" thing, much less as a "you're taking me for granted" "am I a priority to you??" "are we going to get married or not!??" thing. Just be practical about both of your styles and try to avoid blame etc.
posted by salvia at 12:45 PM on July 21, 2017 [9 favorites]


This might be totally wrong but I was *just* thinking this morning about all the times I started obsessing about whether or not a guy was into me, when what was really going on is that I had stopped being into him. Are YOU less interested in him? That is ok, if so. It's ok for you to use this time when he is really busy with work to take a step back and think about what you want from life and how you want your life to look. When you are ready to talk to him, it doesn't have to be "What do you want from this?" or a bunch of questions for him. It could be just saying "this is what I want" and then pausing to hear what he has to say in response.

Also, I really relate to what stellaluna said. I learned that my husband felt all of this pressure to provide for the two of us financially and that he was working so hard as a way to secure our future. The only way to know how he feels about this to talk to him though.

To continue the talk to him theme & related to my earlier answer: you cannot guess his love language and he cannot mind read yours or understand the context. My husband and I found one of those Internet quizzes and took it together. I can't remember which one of us sent it to the other, but it was a fun thing, done in the spirit of "let's learn more about each other with this silly 5 min internet quiz." This might be a door to the larger conversation about what you want from a relationship.
posted by CMcG at 1:16 PM on July 21, 2017 [1 favorite]


But how on earth do I broach this - do you or don't you want to marry me?!

You don't, unless you want this things to move a lot faster than they are now, instead of being gradual. It sounds like it's been way too gradual at this point because you're still pretty casually dating when you're trying to progress the relationship.

It sounds like you want to spend more time with him. So say that: "How can we spend more time together?" Frame it as wanting to help him feel less stressed, and that you're willing to do so not necessarily on his terms, but terms that are favorable for him, since it sounds like he has a heavier load for the time being. Maybe it means bringing food over to his place when he's busy and hanging out as he unwinds from work.

Making plans as he's leaving isn't working. Can he call you over lunch or during a point in the day when you're both free?
posted by mikeh at 1:43 PM on July 21, 2017 [2 favorites]


On the other hand, having read your previous questions (and assuming they're referring to the same guy): this guy doesn't know what kind of relationship this is, either.

The previous comments about him being frustrated at work to the extent he'd move to be with you abroad sound like they're a non-starter if you're helping him look for a new job. So I'm guessing he's going to be living where he is now, and you're going to be gone for eight or nine months.

If he's literally hanging out with you over the weekend, still going radio silent to the point he won't return your messages for over a day (!) and you're leaving... are you expecting he'll suddenly get good at texting and calling (or using skype, facetime, etc.)? Or are you going to have no communication for eight months and then expect to pick up where things left off? Again, assuming this is all the same guy, he's keeping this light because he's expecting to be out of the relationship when you leave.
posted by mikeh at 1:52 PM on July 21, 2017


Response by poster: mikeh - since then, he has got much better at communicating with me daily. We had a conversation about keeping the LDR going & he said he wants to Skype a few times a week. He has also booked a flight to come see me in autumn. I told him I am committed to keeping in touch and he said he is too. I can only take him at his word.

I feel like I am on the precipice of tanking the relationship due to my anxiety. I haven't experienced anxiety for a few years, but the impending move + my boyfriend's recently declined mental state seems to be sending me into overdrive. I can't remember the last time I had a decent sleep, or without nightmares.

I am definitely still really into him. I know he's crazy stressed, so after he fell asleep after dinner last night I made him some lunch to take to work today. He's definitely about acts of service, words and physical affection. I will talk to him about having a set date night every week as I think this would help to assuage my current anxiety a lot.
posted by Kat_Dubs at 2:34 PM on July 21, 2017 [2 favorites]


Well, just at the front I would note:

This relationship seems to make you super anxious, all the time, about everything. His family's money, your family's money, his family's politics, your communication, your schedules. Are you like that in other relationships? If so...are you doin' stuff to get your anxiety in hand?

Or is it just this one?

Because, gently, you do seem to have some unreasonably inflexible rules goin on here. If the time he can make plans is 6 am, man...you can get out of bed once a week and open your phone calendar to say "yeah...fine...Tuesday, gnight." If you don't want to, if something in you just deeply resists it, why?

Why are you reluctant to leave some time open for him, to the extent that your calendar fills up completely if he doesn't stake out his claims?

I say this because 99% of the time, when my friends or I start getting panicky about scheduling and start balking and certain compromises and getting all "how can he expect me to keep doing all this WORK if he isn't going to MARRY ME?!?!?" after just a few months, it's because that shit is not working and we are not ready to face the breakup. I feel like you might be wanting a kind of relationship that this dude cannot provide -- namely, one where he's around a lot more, talks a lot more, takes more initiative, and wants to get married like tomorrow.

And this dude might be perfectly great but man, you sure think about all the ways in which he isn't, an awful lot.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 3:19 PM on July 21, 2017 [3 favorites]


Best answer: My boyfriend is, as I said, quite stressed. He broke down in tears in front of me a couple of weeks ago due to job stress.

Do you have enough experience with him to know how easily he gets stressed? Because if he's in a truly toxic soul sucking job that's causing breakdowns, then this seems like a time you cut him some slack. I know from experience that it is miserable watching your partner be so stressed, being a support for them, and not getting any reciprocal support because they just don't have anything to spare. But if the relationship is worth it, you find a way to muddle through.

You also have a lost of stress going on, I wonder if maybe you need to focus a bit more on self-care than taking care of the relationship? Yes, 6 am sucks. I hated life when I had to get up at 6 am. But if you can't get up briefly to make plans, either you're too tired or not motivated. I can't tell you if you're not motivated because you're done with the relationship or just at the end of your rope in general.

You may both be in a place where you need to focus on self-care. That could be why he wants a day back home to get caught up on stuff (that's my polite way of saying I need to be alone, obviously may not apply to him). I'm not sure what you're equivalent is, but maybe do that instead of making plans together next week. Recharge a bit. See if you still want to work at making plans the following week, or if you're really enjoying the freedom.
posted by ghost phoneme at 4:22 PM on July 21, 2017 [1 favorite]


Chiming in late here -- read OP's responses and skimmed what other commenters have said. I don't think this is being needy at all. I think it's perfectly normal and reasonable to want to see the person you are dating on the regular, and it sounds like without a plan, sometimes that time together doesn't pan out very well, hence you wanting a plan ahead of time. I also think naturally the longer you are dating someone, the more you might spend time together as you can of move closer to moving in together at some point.

I think that the "standing date" idea is a good one. Like maybe once per week earlier in the week you can plan to have dinner together, or if you are allowed to take lunches/work close to each other, then lunch. And at that earlier-in-the-week standing date you can make plans later later in the week/the weekend.

I haven't dated a ton, but I personally think honestly would be the best policy here. "Hey, I love spending time with you but it's hard for me when I don't know when we will see each other next or whether you miss me like I miss you when we're apart. We've been dating for a year now and I just want to make sure we're on the same page." Either he doesn't realize you feel that way/that he hasn't been clear and he can improve his communication with you, or he doesn't feel the same way and you can get out of this relationship before you've wasted your time. But if you can't be honest with your boyfriend by this point, after a year, then that's probably a problem.

Hope you get what you need -- everyone has needs in relationships and it's your right to go after them!
posted by AppleTurnover at 5:08 PM on July 21, 2017 [1 favorite]


This update feels very important to the question:

I feel like I am on the precipice of tanking the relationship due to my anxiety. I haven't experienced anxiety for a few years, but the impending move + my boyfriend's recently declined mental state seems to be sending me into overdrive. I can't remember the last time I had a decent sleep, or without nightmares.

I think it's fine to let him know what is going on with you, but I would tackle your anxiety as priority one before having a serious sit-down about needing to know if your relationship is headed to marriage. Getting yourself in a place where your mental state is calmer and not in overdrive is key to success. Also I find saying what you want and suggesting a solution ("I'd love to spend more time with you. Can we have a standing date on Tuesdays?") might go down easier than a complaint on the lack of progress ("Hey, I don't feel like a priority. Do you see us ever moving in together??") See if the standing date helps you, take some actions to improving your sleep and anxiety, therapy if you're not in it, more exercise, self-care, then address the bigger issues. It might be the anxiety making a mountain out of a molehill. This sounds very fixable.
posted by *s at 9:51 AM on July 23, 2017 [2 favorites]


I thought about this over the weekend, and came to the realization that I've never really been able to progress a relationship when both myself and my partner were incredibly busy. Because at some point, if one partner is incredibly busy, the other has to flex in order to make it work. Once you're deeper into things, especially if you choose to live together, you get time in the same room -- it still might not be good relationship time, but it's coexisting in the same space -- and that's important just to flush out how your personal dynamic outside of "dates" really works.

I guess the question I'd pose is this: If he says he's available on a given day, and you check your calendar and have yoga class, can you ask yourself, "Given that I'm going to be out of the country for eight months, is it more important to go to yoga or spend an evening with him?"
posted by mikeh at 12:14 PM on July 24, 2017


Response by poster: ...how strange that I chose to come back & view this thread on a night I had chosen to do go to yoga (I know you really meant any 'X' activity, but still)! Actually, my mistake has been stopping the practice. It really calms my mind in a way most others things don't and is helping me to feel less anxious about moving. Bf & I spent time together last night & he surprised me by saying 'so, see you tomorrow?' - when I said no, that I had other plans after he didn't give me an answer (again all this had been said during that dozy 6am chat), he said 'I thought you said you wanted to see me?'. But now we have plans together all weekend and one development is that he has now said I am welcome to move in with him for the month I am between homes.

After a week, we are both doing better. My anxiety is down to a lot of big changes happening at once, the anniversary of a bereavement & being very nervous about making the LDR transition. I have spent more time on self care and working my way through a list of ALL THE THINGS. Also acknowledging that this anxiety may flare up from time to time, and that I may need to deal with that.

Previous posters were correct that he finds family time hard sometimes, hence taking a day off. After returning he was open about being needing that time to himself to regroup, keep searching for jobs and just rest really.

When my boyfriend is open like this, I find the relationship easy. When he gets stressed, and closes up, I feel like I'm banging against a fortress begging to be let in. That can be hard. But unlike prevous relationships, this one has more love and strength in it somehow. I'm going to spend time sustaining self care as much as possible. If I'm not thriving, the relationship definitely isn't thriving. Thank you all.
posted by Kat_Dubs at 3:07 PM on July 27, 2017 [2 favorites]


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